How a blogger begs for mercy

One of the aspects of my training is a tri-weekly event called conditioning camp, or as it is suitably nicknamed: booty camp.
As in: for the butt. To boost it. From the back of my knees to where it belongs.

Don’t let the cute little nickname, “Booty Camp”, fool you into thinking this is a nice, beeboppy aerobic class, in which the ladies are all matchy-matchy, and smile at their reflection in the mirror, as they “step 2-3-4…to the left…to the right!”

The first time I attended conditioning camp in September, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly thought I was fit and strong, and could keep up to the pack.

Enter the pack.

Fitter, stronger competitors who substitute pushups for these motherfucking exercises:

Handstand pushups.
Because apparently, regular pushups aren’t hard enough.

My trainers are a husband/wife team.

Darren, a funny, enthusiastic man leads the class through each step of the one hour of circuits.

Christina, his wife, an intimidatingly beautiful woman fools us into thinking she’s shy and laid back, until she lets out her three telltale claps, and shoots up the stairs at the speed of light, leaving us mere mortals to wipe her dust from our chins well, from my chin…I can’t speak for the others.

Here’s the thing with my trainers; just when you think you can’t take another step forward or do another fucking tuck jump, Christina yells out, while in midair, an encouraging, “Go girl!”

And Darren will shout out something so motivational, it deserves to be tweeted and/or made into a teeshirt. Tweeting is cheaper.

My personal favourites:
1. This is not a marathon, it is a sprint.

2. Don’t pace yourself. Push yourself.
And although I feel like I’m about to push my bladder right out through my vagina from all the squatting and jumping, I do find myself digging deeper (and clenching vaginal muscles a little tighter so my uterus doesn’t hit the matt).

Last week’s famous one-liner:
3. The uglier you are in here, the prettier you are out there.

I must be so fucking pretty out there, because it don’t get uglier than me in that class: my face squashed up in concentration and pain; trying desperately to get in one more pushup, one more long jump; hoping to hell nobody can smell the noxious fumes propelled from my butt during that last sprint.

Today however, marked the best quote of all time, when he had us doing burpees:


“Chest to the ground! Chest to the ground!” he kept repeating.
Then, very eloquently, he added:
4. If you’re busting your teeth on the floor, it’s because your chest didn’t hit the ground first.
See, it’s this kind of careful attention to detail which makes him a cut above all the rest. What other coach would give dental advice at the same time as fitness advice? None, I tell you!

The guy is a fountain of sayings:
5. If you can’t lift that weight up over your shoulders, how are you going to lift your trophee!
Good point.

Tonight when I was helping Wayne clean up from supper, I was bending over to get a bowl from a lower cupboard.
I said, “If you were asking me to do this tomorrow, I would probably be too sore to bend.”
Wayne replied, “Well, Darren would probably say, “If you’re able to bend right now, it’s because you didn’t work hard enough.”

Ya…ummm…fuck off.

I was in no way sponsored to write this post by my coaches. I’m basically kissing their asses so that next conditioning camp they’ll…oh, who am I kidding.
I’ve just made myself a moving target…

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40 Responses to How a blogger begs for mercy
  1. Pearl
    December 18, 2011 | 1:19 pm

    My favorite phrase: The mind always gives up before the body.


    Now c’mon, girl!! One more! You got one more in you!!



  2. Karie McRae
    December 18, 2011 | 1:30 pm

    I am tired just thinking about it. I am proud of you. Post a picture…I bet you are in “kick ass shape.” My resolution is going to start January 2nd.

    Merry Christmas.

  3. Jackie
    December 18, 2011 | 1:36 pm

    Sounds like my boot camp class. I swear, I seem to be the only one suffering while everyone looks like they have no problems keeping up. And those burpees… I hate them!

  4. Vapid Vixen
    December 18, 2011 | 1:43 pm

    “Ya…ummm…fuck off”.

    I’m so glad you said it cause I was totally thinking it.

  5. Sable@SquatLikeALady
    December 18, 2011 | 1:47 pm

    hahaha! Your coaches sound AWESOME! And hey don’t worry. If anyone in that class has the time/energy to smell your noxious fumes it’s OBVIOUSLY because they aren’t working hard enough. =)

  6. sparkling74
    December 18, 2011 | 1:56 pm

    The uglier you are in here, the prettier you are out there that might be my favorite line ever. And if I were a trainer, I would definitely get t-shirts made with that. But wearing them outside the gym won’t make sense.

    I hate burpees more than any other exercise. Seriously. more than any other one. You can ask me to jump squat, do all of those really dangerous kettle bell moves, sprints, mountain climbers, anything. But burpees? FUCK THEM.

  7. Mayor Gia
    December 18, 2011 | 2:02 pm

    “Burpees” …what a name.

    Anyway, he sounds super motivational, which is awesome. I’m almost motivated to get off my couch reading this. Almost.

  8. Belle
    December 18, 2011 | 2:24 pm

    I admire your tenacity and grit because I don’t have these two traits.

  9. Kristina P.
    December 18, 2011 | 3:11 pm

    I was going to eat 2 cookies before reading this, and now I’m eating 4.

  10. Bouncin Barb
    December 18, 2011 | 3:27 pm

    You’re hysterical. Seriously though…you really are my hero. You are doing all of this, raising 4 kids, taking care of a home and hubby, nursing school, etc. etc. and you aren’t 25. You really are an inspiration for woman over 40! I think it’s fantastic and I’m very proud of you. Now all that serious mush aside, I want to see that ass!! haha. Love you.

  11. Lola
    December 18, 2011 | 3:48 pm

    Of course you’re fucking pretty, honey. My husband used to tell me that all the time. Oops! No, he said, you’re pretty fucking $%&*@!!


  12. Marie from Rock The Kasbah
    December 18, 2011 | 3:54 pm

    Damn I think it’s about time for a picture with all that hard work!

  13. Kimberly
    December 18, 2011 | 3:56 pm

    But really though…
    Do they make you cry?
    Where are the photos?
    I’m eating a cookie.
    So na na na.

  14. Kristy @PampersandPinot
    December 18, 2011 | 4:41 pm

    I was doing Jillian this morning, and my son said, “Mommy, doesn’t this lady make people die?” Ha, ha, ha!

  15. Alison@Mama Wants This
    December 18, 2011 | 5:40 pm

    I feel like I just worked out reading this. I need a cookie.

  16. charlotte
    December 18, 2011 | 6:36 pm

    Yah. They aren’t people, they’re machines. I particularly loved it when Madam Lash (as we dubbed her) would get right-in-your-face when you were doing a pushup and tell you to do four more. Madam Lash was about sixty and her butt could crack walnuts.

  17. Tara @ Sweat like a Pig
    December 18, 2011 | 6:50 pm

    The uglier you are in here, the prettier you are out there.

    I LOVE this. And it certainly makes me feel better about the sweaty, stinky mess I am at the gym!!

  18. Jo-Anne
    December 18, 2011 | 7:12 pm

    I am short fat and out of shape so there is no way I would be able to do any of those things but hey if you can way to go girl.

  19. XLMIC
    December 18, 2011 | 8:03 pm

    I’ll bet your ass is bootylicious by now :)

  20. Natalie
    December 18, 2011 | 8:22 pm

    What? You think those are hard?
    KIDDING… of course they are hard, if they were easy more people would go! Darren and Chris are the reasons I am where I am. Amazing people, like no others!

  21. Snake
    December 18, 2011 | 8:41 pm

    Love all those fitness cliches . . . Be the MOVING target, not the standing target . . . Hang the f*ck on! Was that a cliche? lol Outta here!

  22. RoryBore
    December 18, 2011 | 9:04 pm

    ugh….the dreaded burpee. as soon as I saw this method of torture, I hightailed it over to the treadmill where I belong. I think I am ok over there for awhile — my ass is quite touching the back of my knees yet.

  23. diana lesjak
    December 18, 2011 | 9:41 pm

    Oh I am sure you did make yourself a target. Good luck with all your training!!

  24. Lazarus
    December 18, 2011 | 10:06 pm

    Sandra, I hate to say it (actually, I don’t!) but your pain is our pleasure!

  25. Missy | The Literal Mom
    December 18, 2011 | 10:17 pm

    Burpees are hell. Just sayin.

  26. Carri
    December 18, 2011 | 10:19 pm

    Jebus… If that’s what I need to go through to get your body, I’ll just stay fat and lazy.

  27. Last Girl Standing
    December 18, 2011 | 10:29 pm

    If that ‘the uglier you look in here, the prettier you are out there’ rule holds true I’d be a f–king supermodel. I took a boxing boot camp once. I remember running laps and seeing a guy in front of me that had sweated so much it had run down his back and pooled at his butt. I was Little Miss Judgey until I passed a mirror and, yup, I totally looked like a pants-wetter. The next week I layered up in an effort to absorb the sweat. Bike shorts, athletic shorts and then sweats. It may not have looked like I peed myself but when I ran past the mirror… totally looked like I was wearing depends.

    Needless to say, I didn’t go back.

  28. Alexandra
    December 19, 2011 | 12:53 am

    I wouldn’t last one minute.

    Hence, why I look the way I do.

    And, your body kicks holy effin’ ass.


  29. Jessica
    December 19, 2011 | 1:44 am

    You have made it farther with this conditioning than I would have been able to. Keep it up.

  30. Sarcasm Goddess
    December 19, 2011 | 2:13 am

    My butt is sore just reading this. But at least it’s firmer. Thanks!

  31. JennyBean
    December 19, 2011 | 4:19 am

    So glad I’m comfy in my bed. If it makes you feel better, Sandra, I had vicarious pain when I read this.


  32. Lola
    December 19, 2011 | 8:14 am

    I just want to know why you aren’t posting pics of yourself all over this joint? We all want to see the results of the training. You know, so that we can all go back to hating ourselves.

  33. ms caboo
    December 19, 2011 | 9:14 am

    I gotta say, I’d rather have coaches like that then weenies. Sounds like they are working your ass into the ground! And you can smack your hubby for me.

  34. Ally
    December 19, 2011 | 10:31 am

    That Wayne – he likes to put his life on the line, huh? :)
    What the hell do you do this time of year when every where you go you are surrounded by SUGAR??? Seriously, the more I’m trying to avoid it, the more it is around. My neighbors delivered and ENTIRE rum cake to our house yesterday. What the hell is my family of three going to do with an ENTIRE rum cake?
    Just keep posting so I can keep being inspired, mmmkay?

  35. Dr. Cynicism
    December 19, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    Those hand stand pushups looks like Psycho Camp.

  36. Angie Uncovered
    December 19, 2011 | 4:29 pm

    This sounds like Cardio Box-Circuits! The instructor seems sweet and cute until she is screaming at you all Lt. Dan “GET YOUR ASS DOWN” during mountain climbers (with slippery pads under your feet)!

    Keep up the great work! I’m sure your booty is looking amazing!

  37. My Inner Chick
    December 20, 2011 | 12:02 am

    Stop making me feel like a big fat ugly loser!

    Don’t mind me…I’m just envious as hell…

    Good for you. Keep pumping iron, baby !! :) ) X

  38. andréa
    December 20, 2011 | 2:24 am

    i’ve been set free to go to the gym again … my triceps are pleasantly painful.

  39. meleah rebeccah
    December 20, 2011 | 8:06 am

    Handstand pushups? Holy hell.

    And I love the motto “The uglier you are in here, the prettier you are out there”

  40. abeerfortheshower
    December 20, 2011 | 9:33 am

    If your body is a machine, then doesn’t it stand to reason that the more noxious gas you emit, the better your productivity? Maybe I’m just reaching for an excuse to eat more burritos. Fuck the environment. You’re in it to win it!

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