Fashion roadkill

No, I didn’t come up with the clever title on my own.
I stole it from an episode of Sex in the City in which Carrie falls flat on her face on the runway during a big NYC fashion show, and one of the gay guy’s says something along the lines of “Oh my God. She’s fashion roadkill.”

I may end up being fashion roadkill. During my bikini competition in March.
I can’t walk in heels for the life of me.

Sadly, I’m not that elegant lady walking down the street in expensive stilletoes.
I traipse around in Uggs and running shoes.
I have no fashion sense.
I’m the girl who calls you before going out to ask, “What are you wearing? Can you wear something else, so I can borrow that?” because I don’t have a clue what looks good and what doesn’t.
…ahem…I’m that chick that keeps commenting over at Carri’s from Mommy’s Little Monster Blake that I think Uggs and booty shorts are super cute together.

Anyway, the day after my competition, I will be photographed by David Ford.
I need a wardrobe for this. I need to put together outfits that I want to be photographed in…well, not really outfits, because it’s the day after the bikini contest, I’m pretty much going to want to be half naked to show off, ’cause that’s what I do.

So I emailed my coach and asked her for suggestions. She told me to have a look in the Victoria’s Secret website, maybe that would give me ideas.

So I went to the website, browsed around, and what to my wondering eyes did appear (no, I didn’t make that up either, I stole that from The Night Before Christmas) but the boot section.

Boots, people!
I love boots. I mean, I’m pretty sure I love them more than the average person. Like probably more than anyone in the world.

As soon as I saw these, I knew they had to be photographed on me:

Of course I would need to pair them up with something.
So I found this:


I could totally make that work.

During the shoot, I can paw in the direction of the camera, and be all, “Rawr! Rawr! I’m a leopard!”

That’s not awkward, right?

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47 Responses to Fashion roadkill
  1. Jessica
    December 14, 2011 | 12:14 am

    Awkward?! No, not at all.

  2. Alison@Mama Wants This
    December 14, 2011 | 12:48 am

    You will make one hell of a sexy leopard.

  3. Ashley
    December 14, 2011 | 1:05 am

    That episode cracks me up. “F*ck me hard!” My current hair style was inspired by Heidi’s in that one. I love it!

    So what competition is this for? I did something like that about a year ago. I did a modeling contest for a radio station’s calendar, and competed in swimsuit and club wear. (I got June 2011!) I am also incompetent in heels, so I stuck with 2 inch to be on the safe side, even though everyone advised me to get the highest heel I could find since I am only 5’2 and this was a *modeling* contest (tall women preferred) but I knew that 4 or more inches was going to put me flat on my face as fashion roadkill just like Carrie. I didn’t want to take that risk, so I said that they can either except me as a shorty or not at all.

    So other than that, my advice would be to practice, and find shoes that you are comfortable with. Good luck!

  4. Chris B
    December 14, 2011 | 1:41 am

    “That’s not awkward, right?”

    You should practice it now and throw it on youtube for your next post so we can help you get the pawing action right ;)

  5. Sushmita
    December 14, 2011 | 1:53 am

    oh…….lovely!!! you will be 200% better than other beauties!!! go girl go!!! will wait for the photographs… best of luck!!! :) :):) God Bless!

  6. Maxwell (@MisanthropyBlog)
    December 14, 2011 | 1:55 am

    So, boots are hideous and you should be ashamed of yourself for wearing them. But that is a forgivable offense.

    Uggs? GTFO.

    I would actually be less disgusted if you said you like to adopt puppies, dissect them, and feed them to your children. Uggs are AWFUL.

  7. Tara @ Sweat like a Pig
    December 14, 2011 | 5:29 am

    Haha! HOT!

    The thing I’m looking forward to most after competing is getting the photos! Hello inflated ego :)

  8. ChiTown Girl
    December 14, 2011 | 8:10 am

    Every once in a while, I like to be reminded of exactly why I love you the way I do.

    Mission accomplished!!

  9. Diane@BeStillaMinute
    December 14, 2011 | 8:27 am

    That’s a whole lotta leopard, girl I’m sure you’ll rock it well! But yeah, the pawing and rawring may be just a tad bit much…maybe just stick with a low purr! ;)

  10. Mark
    December 14, 2011 | 8:57 am

    Oh God, you exhaust me. Must I come up there and teach you how to walk in a pair of stilletoes?
    Honestly, what’s with you women?

  11. Mayor Gia
    December 14, 2011 | 9:17 am

    Not awkward at all! I’ve blogged about acting like a SEXY LIONESS ( ) for Boyfriend. I like to pretend he likes it (he doesnt)

  12. The Accidental Somebody
    December 14, 2011 | 10:09 am

    Can I come to the photo shoot..PUHLEEEEEZEEEEEE?? I so wanna be there to cheer you on in that rockin outfit. I mean, you’re gonna look so fucking hot to begin with, just IMAGINE you with that get-up!

  13. Ally
    December 14, 2011 | 10:26 am

    I’m dying here. But honestly, you could make all that leopard work. David Ford’s work is awesome – very cool that you are being photographed by him!

  14. Just Plain Tired
    December 14, 2011 | 10:43 am

    Well, that’d be an outfit that would rock the walkway I’d bet.

  15. Leauxra
    December 14, 2011 | 10:49 am

    I think the current fashion is to MIX animal prints… you need some zebra stripes to make that work…

  16. Mandy
    December 14, 2011 | 10:57 am

    Too many leopards! They will fight with each other and then someone will get hurt and cry. Wear the leopard boots with a nice sold bikini: black, gold, tan, brown, red. Whatever. But not leopard.

    Wear the leopard bikini with sold boots. Black. Gold. Tan. Brown. Red. Whatever.

    There. You now have two outfits picked for your photoshoot. you can thank me later.

    My fashion advising is done. If it goes anything like previous fashion advising, you, the advisee, will completely ignore it.

  17. Catherine
    December 14, 2011 | 11:23 am

    Nope not awkward. In fact, I will give one bazillion dollars to do it.

    Do it.

  18. Kristina P.
    December 14, 2011 | 11:32 am

    Rawr! Go for it!!

  19. Jillian
    December 14, 2011 | 12:16 pm

    I’m actually with Mandy. Leopard bikini-solid boots. Solid bikini- leopard boots. Never, never both at the same time.Plus, that’s one less outfit you have to plan. Seriously. Both together would be WAY overkill.

  20. Angie Uncovered
    December 14, 2011 | 1:32 pm

    So the outfit part has to be a bikini? Because VS has some kick ass sports wear! They have the most AMAZING fitness booty shorts. I wear them for workouts AND for strutting around my bedroom pretending I’m the most amazing thing since Flat Out Sliders ( and hummus!

  21. Linda Medrano
    December 14, 2011 | 2:28 pm

    Uhm, Sandra, I think you need a rush visit to Mama Linda’s house. I have not walked in anything but high heels since 1960. I can teach you. And I even have a pair of leopard stilettos. Those boots are well, sort of fugly if you know what I mean. In your bikini we need an open toed sandal. Maybe a wedge heel. They fool your foot that you are walking in flats.

  22. Sara
    December 14, 2011 | 2:35 pm

    Yep, you can totally rock that!

    It’s funny because I was just complementing a friend on her “effortless style” and me? Well, I miss more often than I hit. Stilettos make my toes go numb and tingly, so no heels. Currently, I’m rocking leggings, a dress that shrunk and is more like a shirt, and Tom’s. Yeh, it’s that awesome.

  23. Julie
    December 14, 2011 | 3:16 pm

    I think if your body is as banging as you say it is, it won’t matter what the hell you wear. Let the lines speak for themselves.

  24. Carri
    December 14, 2011 | 4:10 pm

    Oh Sandra… Step away from the boots with the furrrrrr! Maybe you can find some hot boots there.

  25. totsymae1011
    December 14, 2011 | 4:20 pm

    Well, I do hope you give us the dibs on the fashion shoot. Don’t know how rockin’ those boots are though. I’m thinking along the lines of a pair that comes up the thighs. Is that too much? I don’t have a good sense for fashion either.

  26. The Bearded Iris
    December 14, 2011 | 4:58 pm

    I’m totally picturing that scene in Little Miss Sunshine where the little girl does the pageant dance routine choreographed by her recently deceased horn-dog Grandpa!!! LMAO!

  27. Lola
    December 14, 2011 | 5:11 pm

    Good plan. I like it. Bikini + Boots = Sexy Sandra


  28. Nenette
    December 14, 2011 | 6:06 pm

    Gah! No! No footwear at all! If you’re doing bikini, it’s either sexy barefoot or go all out with leather thigh-highs.
    Uggs. [sigh] Where do you live? I’m coming over for an intervention.

  29. Missy | Literal Mom
    December 14, 2011 | 8:40 pm

    I can’t walk in heels either. And when I watch women do it like it’s second nature – I think they must not be humans. It’s. Hard.

  30. Kimberly
    December 14, 2011 | 11:12 pm

    That might be the hottest look ever! As long as you’re the model.

  31. Coffeypot
    December 14, 2011 | 11:55 pm

    Hell, wear the Uggs with your bikini. No one is gonna look lower than you keens anyways. Well, the men and a few odd ladies anyway.

  32. XLMIC
    December 15, 2011 | 12:53 am

    The prints are too close but not identical to be worn together…meaning they clash. I think you should be barefooting it. Bare feet are sexier than those boots.

  33. RoryBore
    December 15, 2011 | 1:09 am

    Sandra, Sandra you are undeniably hot, but girlfriends don’t let girlfriends dress in head to toe animal print. LOL
    Keep the boots – so unique and unexpected. but you need frilly/girlie and light for the suit to balance it out.

    Very Sexy Beaded triangle top one gets my vote.

  34. Bridget
    December 15, 2011 | 10:28 am

    Bikini contest? What the what?

  35. Kimberly
    December 15, 2011 | 10:59 am

    It would only be awkward if your vagina lip fell out.
    Just sayin.

  36. Crystal
    December 15, 2011 | 3:12 pm

    LOL!! Hey, if you can pull it off, then more power to ya! ALthough, I would LOVE to help you shop and come up with outfits!! Truly VS has some good ones in there: some sexy, booty hugging trousers, stilletos (you better start practicing) and a killer top (and a great padded, push-up bra). You’ll be smokin’!

  37. Kimberly
    December 15, 2011 | 3:14 pm

    I am so mad at myself right now. In the car on my way to work yesterday I realized it was the 14th and thought, “I totally need to write Sandra and tell her happy birthday!” Then I worked all day and it slipped my mind. And when I commented last night I didn’t even put two and two together. Anywho, happy (belated) birthday, gorgeous lady! I hope it was amazing!!

  38. diana lesjak
    December 15, 2011 | 3:15 pm

    That is a splendid idea! Very creative! You will be looking very “dangerous”! Good luck~

  39. ms caboo
    December 15, 2011 | 5:32 pm

    Girl, you are crazy!

  40. My Inner Chick
    December 15, 2011 | 8:27 pm

    —I do not wear flats, but I loooooooove those boots.

    I really love them.

    I watched that episode of Sex and the City.

    Awesome. :) )) You must wear those boots, Sandra/

  41. Sarcasm Goddess
    December 16, 2011 | 2:59 am

    You are totally going to look awesome sausage in the outfit! You must share pics with us!

    Loved that episode of Sex and the City!!

  42. meleah rebeccah
    December 16, 2011 | 12:55 pm

    you could wear a paper bag and look fantastic. So there.

  43. Mrs. Tuna
    December 16, 2011 | 9:43 pm

    Ummm….no, not awkward at all. Me, no Uggs, when its 105 degrees those of us in Arizona lean towards flip flops.

  44. hpretty
    December 17, 2011 | 4:29 am

    Oh you’re an animal!


  45. Lin
    December 17, 2011 | 4:59 am

    Awkward? No. Awesomely sexy…definitely ;) lol

  46. Middle Aged Dater
    December 17, 2011 | 6:27 pm

    I have four (4) pairs of Uggs. How many do you have?

    NOW I see your comment on my blog as HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!

  47. Lily
    December 20, 2011 | 2:13 pm

    You are gunna wear those right? I think you need to! At the very least, you need to wear the boots!

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