What’s so wrong with being a hoe???

When I was a hormonal adolescent, I was a bit of a hoochie coochie…
…don’t shudder, I’m 98% certain my mother doesn’t read my blog…

So, where was I…right, bit of a rep in high school…ahem…

Yesterday, my 14 year old son walks into the house with four of his friends.

My daughter and I are sitting at the dining room table scrapbooking…YES! I scrabook! Don’t look so surprised.

My daughter is almost 12.
She’d just finished dance class, so was wearing her leggings and a super cute tank top.

I look at those four boys in my living room, and say to her, “Zoe, you are so lucky to have older brothers.”
“Why?” She’s not yet boy crazy so she’s completely oblivious to the testosterone circulating four feet away from us.

“Because when you’re older, you’re going to have your pick of any boy you want. AND they’ll be in your own house.”…I’m momentarily imagining how easy my life would have been if I’d had 2 older brothers and their hot friends.
So for a few seconds, I’m staring wistfully off into space…

“Mom!” she says. “That’s so gross!”

“You think it’s gross now, but when you’re 16, and there are hot blooded young men at your immediate disposal, you’ll…”

“MOM! Stop!”

…dramatic exit as she gracefully flits to her room.

So I repeat the scene to my husband.

“…so then, she got all mad at me. But you know, once those hormones kick in, she’ll appreciate what I just told her.”

His reply: “She won’t be like that.”

“Won’t be like what?”

No answer.

“Like what?”

Still no answer.

“Like what? Like me? Is that what you’re thinking? She won’t be like me?”

Not a word.

“Are you saying there’s something wrong with the way I was?”

He’s walking away now, staring at the football game on tv, saying, “Oh, I think my team just scored.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t have anything bad to say about girls like me when you were in high school, though, did you!”

He has now put his earphones on.

Yeah, I knew that last comment would shut him up.

I love it when I win the argument.

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66 Responses to What’s so wrong with being a hoe???
  1. Maxwell
    September 12, 2011 | 3:07 pm

    You’re evil. I’m just saying that on behalf of your husband.

    If he buys a shotgun within the next couple of years, you may have to revisit this argument.

  2. Tamika
    September 12, 2011 | 3:07 pm

    LMAO oh boy….I”m kinda glad in a way that my girl is my oldest with the four boys to follow…

    Or am I not….that means HER friends will have 4 boys drooling over them when they come over….

    crap…..now *I’m* gonna be in the bad books of men like your husband! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

  3. Linda Medrano
    September 12, 2011 | 3:08 pm

    I was a hoochie mama too, but not a “ho”. Ho’s make money doing it. I just did it because I liked it. Change your “hoe” to “ho”. A hoe is a gardening implement. I know this because of the old agriculture class joke:

    “My sister’s a ho and she don’t look like that!”

  4. Kelley
    September 12, 2011 | 3:09 pm

    She is lucky! She walked away “disgusted”, but you know she thought about what you said and secretly agreed!

  5. Daffy
    September 12, 2011 | 3:16 pm

    Thank God for stepfamiles! lil Duck will have two older brothers whom I KNOW will put the hurtin on anyone who doesn’t treat her right (not to mention provide lots of opps for giggle time with mom…unless she thinks its gross to talk about it with me too…sigh…damn…thanks for bursting my bubble).

    Nice costume pic btw…I might have to track that one down *wink*

  6. Gigi
    September 12, 2011 | 3:17 pm

    Hi I’m new to blogging and I stumbled across your website! What a lovely way to first meet you! Thought it was hilarious!

  7. randi
    September 12, 2011 | 3:24 pm

    lol…
    it’s TOTAL double standard.. and it sucks!!!

  8. Kristina P.
    September 12, 2011 | 3:25 pm

    Wait, you were OK with being a garden tool?

  9. Bouncin' Barb
    September 12, 2011 | 3:27 pm

    Sandra…Why would scrapbooking surprise us? They are pictures of yourself right? Or your kids and you or your hubs and you? So what’s wrong with that?

    I wrote a post a while ago and it was all about how I had 4 older brothers and they had the hottest friends and I begged these guys to take me out etc. and they wouldn’t come near me because they were afraid my brothers would beat the crap out of them. So just wanted to give you a different perspective!!! I bet your daughter is a beauty!

  10. Melissa
    September 12, 2011 | 3:30 pm

    You are hilarious! You are evil,lol

  11. Zombie Goddess
    September 12, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a gardening utensil! Oh, wait…you didn’t mean that lol.

  12. Marie
    September 12, 2011 | 3:34 pm

    I had the total opposite. I have 3 older brother and the one closest to me in age was a huge dungeons and dragons geek. So his friends would come over and drool over me with all their pimples and dragon shit or dungeon shit, whatever. One of them even asked me to prom (I’m 3 years younger)…SO DISGUSTING!!!

  13. Rita
    September 12, 2011 | 3:37 pm

    You scrapbook!!?? ;)

  14. Ian
    September 12, 2011 | 3:42 pm

    I am gay and I have a gay older brother, it didn’t really work well in our scenario. I wish your daughter better luck than me.

    Hilarious post.

  15. XLMIC
    September 12, 2011 | 3:44 pm

    Don’t encourage her :P

  16. Ruth
    September 12, 2011 | 3:52 pm

    Your husband probably doesn’t want to think that she will ever be old enough to do things like that.

  17. Renegades
    September 12, 2011 | 3:53 pm

    I’m still in shock that you srapbook.

  18. Leauxra
    September 12, 2011 | 3:53 pm

    I had an older brother who had lots of friends that were hot varsity track guys, and it did NOT work out that way. Because they were friends of my OLDER BROTHER, they all treated me like I was their younger sister. They never had a CLUE that I was lusting after them. It was horrible.

  19. Angie Uncovered
    September 12, 2011 | 3:56 pm

    When my now grown daughter admitted to me (after much prodding on my part) that she had had sex with her boyfriend she followed it up with the following, “We haven’t done it since and it’s NOT because I regret it because I DON’T!!!!” But they broke up a few months later and she didn’t date anyone for nearly two years or leave the house. BONUS!

  20. Emily
    September 12, 2011 | 3:56 pm

    HILARIOUS!! I love it!!!

  21. LB
    September 12, 2011 | 4:02 pm

    LOL! He knew better than to fall into that trap.

    I personally didn’t hit my prime as a hoe until college. I had my V card up until my senior year of high school! I made up for lost time a few years later. God, I pray my daughter isn’t anything like me!

  22. Diana a.k.a. Meme
    September 12, 2011 | 4:20 pm

    Oh God help you both when she is 16!! We called it “the dark side”~ we said they went to it! Good news is when the girls were about 20, they came back around!

  23. Coffeypot
    September 12, 2011 | 4:41 pm

    His team may have scored, but I bet he didn’t later…unless the schoolgirl ho resurfaced. And the boys were out of the house. Those guys will never know how close they came to nirvana.

  24. Amelia
    September 12, 2011 | 4:47 pm

    I was too..I was too.

  25. Aubrey Anne
    September 12, 2011 | 4:56 pm

    You may want to just go ahead and buy that shotgun yourself. Just sayin’. Dance class… your offspring… put some locks on the windows, too… that can only be opened from the outside, with a key that you hide somewhere realllly safe. Like your vagina.

    At least, that’s what I would do if I had a teenage girl…

  26. McKenzie
    September 12, 2011 | 5:08 pm

    Reading that, and knowing how I was in high school, I am so glad I have three boys! HAHA! I couldn’t help but laugh at this post ☺

  27. Katie
    September 12, 2011 | 5:32 pm

    I have all boys – well, except for the former stepdaughter who is 18 and will talk to ME instead of her mom about sex. yeah, she asked for advice on what kind of vibrator to get herself. Her little experience in high school with her boyfriend was less than stellar. Lol. I told her to find an older man who could give references or to buy a toy and teach her man how to use it!

    I do not put out on the first date. It’s AFTER the first date – you know – after dinner – after the movie – etc. Lol!

    ::snort::

  28. bluzdude
    September 12, 2011 | 5:35 pm

    He knew that if he didn’t shut it, his team would be the only ones scoring in the foreseeable future.

  29. RedShoes51
    September 12, 2011 | 5:45 pm

    What’s not to like about gals like that!?!?! Unless it happens to be your daughter!!! That can rearrange the way one feels!!! ;o)

    ~shoes~

  30. becca
    September 12, 2011 | 5:50 pm

    OMG you are evil and you fight dirty but i love that you won the arguement. you go girl

  31. Heather
    September 12, 2011 | 5:57 pm

    My husband liked me when I was a ho in high school. But…his little girl is a different story! He’d like to lock her in a closet until she’s 30! I keep telling him that he can’t punish her for the way we were back then!

  32. joann mannix
    September 12, 2011 | 5:59 pm

    Oh, I miss you when I’m not here! Sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been working on manuscripts and such.

    And here’s me, high fiving a fellow hooch!

    But listen, don’t think for a second, your daughter will have it made.

    I have three big brothers, all of them who were on our championship high school wrestling team. Needless to say, all the studs hang out at our house. But my brothers were ridiculous with their overprotection. They would have killed any of their friends who dared to lay a finger on me. Some of them did, by the way. What brothers don’t know…But they would hurt, I mean physically hurt my dates before they made it to the door. We had a basketball hoop in our driveway and they would always happen to be playing when one of my dates was scheduled to arrive. Those shitheads even gave one of my dates a black eye with the ole elbow shot.

    Don’t think your boys won’t be the same.

  33. Shelly (La Tejana)
    September 12, 2011 | 6:30 pm

    She will grow to L-O-V-E those friends of her older brothers-

  34. Nicky
    September 12, 2011 | 7:05 pm

    Ok, I’m not going to make fun of you for being a garden tool when you were growing up. I am, however, going to make fun of you for scrapbooking. I needed something to get over how flat your stomach is. Thank you.

  35. Tara @ Sweat like a Pig
    September 12, 2011 | 8:05 pm

    I didn’t have an older brother, but my best friend did – I certainly took advantage of all those hot older boys!

  36. Faith
    September 12, 2011 | 8:33 pm

    hahaha, too funny! you def. won that argument!! feels good to win!

  37. BusyWorkingMama
    September 12, 2011 | 8:47 pm

    Lucky Zoe!! :)

  38. Alison@Mama Wants This
    September 12, 2011 | 8:51 pm

    I’m sorry, I haven’t got past the fact that you scrapbook to comment on the gardening utensil reference.

  39. So. Cal. Gal
    September 12, 2011 | 8:55 pm

    As the recipient of a crapload of brothers, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I didn’t have my 1st crush til I was 18. Up til then, all boys had cooties.

  40. Dr. Reginia
    September 12, 2011 | 9:25 pm

    Ha! I love the title of this post. I didn’t have older brother but if I did…… what happens during the teenage years, stays in the teenage years.

  41. Anita
    September 12, 2011 | 10:03 pm

    So what brought you around to being a sweet, monogamous wife? :)

  42. Jo-Anne
    September 12, 2011 | 10:37 pm

    You crack me up this was so bloody funny

  43. Yvonne J. Salvatierra
    September 12, 2011 | 11:06 pm

    You showed HIM! lol

  44. Sue Gerth
    September 12, 2011 | 11:28 pm

    I had older brothers and they did not bring home hot guys. Creeps more like it.

  45. The Real Jack_Fabulous
    September 12, 2011 | 11:36 pm

    OMFG! THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!

  46. Nicole
    September 12, 2011 | 11:59 pm

    bahaha.. that’s good. Yeah – I think I was born with raging hormones.

  47. Karie McRae
    September 13, 2011 | 12:22 am

    At least you had a little fun. I was a nice girl, married the 1st guy I ever slept with and then got divorced. When you do what I did, you never know if what you get (i.e. in bed) is good or not. You have nothing to compare it to. Needless to say, when I got divorced, I went a little wild.

    I struggle with this topic; what kind of mother would tell her daughter to try a few guys out? Knowing me, I will lie and tell her to be a good girl.

    Bye. :)

  48. Kyla
    September 13, 2011 | 12:36 am

    HAHA. Staring willfilly off into space. Fantastic.

  49. Josie
    September 13, 2011 | 12:57 am

    Yupp. I’m planning on moving away so that my daughter’s friends won’t be like “My dad said he used to fool around with your mom” or “My mom says your mom stole like 3 of her boyfriends”.

    Maybe that will prevent her from being like me…..

  50. Tracie
    September 13, 2011 | 1:46 am

    You SO won that argument!

    I should have had a little hoochie coochie time before I settled down.

  51. Andréa
    September 13, 2011 | 2:24 am

    i’m pretty sure i ALWAYS win too :)

  52. Barbara
    September 13, 2011 | 3:39 am

    I’m wondering about the transition from hoochie coochie to scrapbooker!

  53. Kimberly
    September 13, 2011 | 8:49 am

    So it is true that hoochies can change…scrapbooking eh?
    (Ps. I scrapbook too. Perhaps it’s a way of saying “Sorry Mom and Dad for tormenting you with thoughts of early pregnancy in highschool”…like a redemption)

  54. Julie @ mamamash
    September 13, 2011 | 9:22 am

    Maybe it wasn’t that you were talking about boys that disgusted her and made her leave. Maybe it was all the phallic shapes you began cutting out of festive cardstock. ;)

  55. Nora Blithe
    September 13, 2011 | 10:19 am

    That first sentence about your mom cracked me up! My HUSBAND is always freaked out when my mom reads my blog.

  56. Slyde
    September 13, 2011 | 10:31 am

    sometimes, when im feeling naughty, i put on that same outfit……

  57. annabelle
    September 13, 2011 | 11:48 am

    Hmph…

    I say the apple won’t fall far from the boy crazy tree.

  58. Monkey Man
    September 13, 2011 | 11:51 am

    I’m with hubby on this one….why encourage that? Just let her be a kid. Adulthood comes too early to start force feeding ideas like that. Sheesh.

  59. Rebecca
    September 13, 2011 | 12:40 pm

    What, no picture of hoochie coochie high school you? no fair.

  60. Missy | The Literal Mom
    September 13, 2011 | 1:48 pm

    I thought the end of your story was going to be “so your brothers can kick the ass of any boy who tries to mess with you!”

    Pretty funny.

  61. meleah rebeccah
    September 13, 2011 | 3:29 pm

    I think almost ALL girls go through a little bit of a ‘slutty’ phase. But hopefully your daughter wont! not that there’s anything wrong with going through a little bit of a ‘slutty’ phase.

    And, KUDOS on winning the argument with the hubby!

  62. The Accidental Somebody
    September 13, 2011 | 4:20 pm

    I was the exact opposite in high school…you couldn’t have spread my legs with the jaws of life! When I separated from my ex….now that’s a whole different story. :)

  63. Impulsive Addict
    September 13, 2011 | 4:27 pm

    I had a younger brother that’s 6 years younger. His friends were HOT! I prayed that one of them would sneak into my bedroom at night….you know, when they were 18 and I was 24. Never happened. Probably because I wasn’t living at home anymore.

    Can you write a book? It would be a hit. You could give out all of your advice and tips and tell us more funny stories. You would be rich and you’d only owe me 10% since I talked you into doing it.

  64. Hopes@Staying Afloat!
    September 13, 2011 | 6:05 pm

    TOTALLY thought you were going to go with the older brothers defending her and looking out for her where boys are concerned! LOL!!

  65. Amber
    September 13, 2011 | 6:37 pm

    IA is right, I demand a Sandra’s Book of Wits and Wisdom.

    Any chance she was acting like she didn’t care and was grossed out because she didn’t want to admit that that was what she was thinking all along? Because that’s how I was when I was that age…

  66. JennyBean
    September 15, 2011 | 9:07 pm

    I’m still trying to get past the fact that you scrapbook??!!

    XOXO, your BBFF

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