Don’t hate me because I think mean things

Finally, FINALLY the day I’ve been waiting for since June 28, 2011.

My kids are going back to school.

I’ve calculated the amount of time I’ve had in my own house, by myself, since that date, and it was 2 hours, 23 minutes.

I’m sure the nice mommies are all, “Ugh! There she goes again, saying mean shit about her kids!”
Yes. Yes. I’ve been saying mean shit about my kids all the live long fucking day!

I didn’t say it outloud…well, some I did, but most I communicated to them mentally.
Child psychologists concur this is less traumatic.

So when Zoe asked me, “Will you miss us tomorrow?”
I replied, “No.”
Then I felt bad, so I said, “Well, not the first couple of hours. But by lunch time I’ll be missing you.”
But no. No I won’t be missing her at all.

My oldest sons are on to me.
They’re like, “Mom, it’s going to be the happiest day of the year for you.”
My reply, “Just the first day back. Afterwards, it will feel really empty around here without you guys.”
But no. No, it really won’t feel empty at all. It’ll feel like fucking heaven.

My 8 year old asked, “Mom, will you be walking me to school tomorrow?”
“Of course!”
His reply, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
Cool! ‘Cause I really don’t want to.

In the end though, he reconsidered, and said he did want me there.
Well, there goes 15 minutes.

I’m not going to give the old “I love my kids, but it’s just that it’s been a long summer” speech in order to alleviate my guilt for being in such a hurry to get them out the door.

I feel no guilt.

I’m good with wanting them the hell out of my house.

I’m sick to death of them.

This evening I went to a bootcamp run by my trainers.
Even in the midst of searching the room for the best place to vomit without drawing too much attention to myself, I was thinking, “Please don’t let the torture end please don’t let the torture end!” because then I’d have to go back home. To a firing squad of  neediness.

After the workout, when I climbed into my vehicle, my cell phone alerted me to a new text.
When I read it, it was from my daughter the Cling-On, who doesn’t have a phone because I know she’d spend all her minutes calling me.
My text read, “Hi Mom! I downloaded an app onto my iPod so I can text you now!!!!!!”
She’s so clever.

“When are you coming home. I really want to see you before I go to bed.”
Because apparently, two months of seeing me…like seeing me from really close-up, so close she’s pointed out crusties in my nostrils, wasn’t enough.

And if I was even contemplating any sort of guilt, it was quickly squashed moments ago when my 8 year old climbed into bed with me.

Family time never ends in this house.
Shoot me.

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91 Responses to Don’t hate me because I think mean things
  1. Belle
    September 7, 2011 | 1:12 am

    “a firing squad of neediness” Yes, that is exactly what it is. Fantastic post and sooo funny.

  2. Kristina P.
    September 7, 2011 | 1:15 am

    Time for naked Tuesdays and Thursdays!

  3. Ruth
    September 7, 2011 | 1:18 am

    God, I am glad I stopped at one.

  4. Alison@Mama Wants This
    September 7, 2011 | 1:19 am

    Your honesty is what makes me love you. Kisses. xoxo

  5. Crystal
    September 7, 2011 | 2:06 am

    I love a good post workout vomit too!! We really do have soooo much in common.

  6. Maxwell
    September 7, 2011 | 2:21 am

    And people wonder why I don’t want kids… can I link back to this post whenever people ask me to explain my desire for exactly zero children?

  7. The Accidental Somebody
    September 7, 2011 | 2:23 am

    Congratulations on surviving the summer and may this school year bring you QUIET.

  8. Marie
    September 7, 2011 | 2:23 am

    Yeah, but once you get through the day without them then it’s homework time. I’d rather have all four of mine home all day for summer than contend with helping with homework during the school year. It’s like a hour and a half of 2 of mine whining and crying because they need help and the other 2 fighting for the attention the others are getting while I’m trying to cook a dinner that they are totally gonna hate and whine about…

  9. Andréa
    September 7, 2011 | 2:26 am

    lmao! ah … i’d probably be the same if i had kids … there’s a reason i haven’t … 1. b/c i’m selfish … 2. b/c i can’t have them.

    yeah … i feel for ya

  10. Tara @ Sweat like a Pig
    September 7, 2011 | 2:41 am

    Haha this was hilarious! I’m definitely not ready to have kids….yet :)

  11. Jessica
    September 7, 2011 | 2:51 am

    HAHAHA!! Dear GOD I cant wait until my kids are in school. GOODBYE “firing squad of neediness”, at least for a couple of hours!!

  12. Margaret (Nanny Goats)
    September 7, 2011 | 3:26 am

    I won’t hate you for saying mean things if you won’t hate me for saying I have no kids.

    My favorite line: “a firing squad of neediness”

  13. Barbara
    September 7, 2011 | 4:31 am

    This is why I can’t wait until to next year!

  14. Gigi
    September 7, 2011 | 5:39 am

    No judgment from me. My little family can get on my last nerve when they aren’t even home!

  15. Padded Cell Princess
    September 7, 2011 | 7:00 am

    Off to get more birth control today…thanks for the reminder!

  16. Nicky
    September 7, 2011 | 7:19 am

    Ok, if I don’t hate you for your abs, I’m not gonna hate you for thinking mean things about your kids. If anything, I’d like to ask that you think mean things about my kids too. It’s gotten to the point where all I can think is $%!* %$(#!@ you $&#*^#! why #@$*#&! your *@&@^!% ever *@^!@&.

  17. Jewels
    September 7, 2011 | 7:26 am

    I cannot tell you how excited I was yesterday when the kids went back to school. Possibly the best day in a year! I didn’t mind most of the summer but the last 3 1/2 weeks I had all 4 kids home, going bananas, and essentially driving me to drink and develop that condition where you pull out your own hair. I LOVE going back to school. I used to love it when I was in school (I’m a dork like that), I loved it when I was a teacher, and now I love it as a nanny…get those kids out of the damned house!!

  18. Zombie Goddess
    September 7, 2011 | 7:41 am

    At first, when I finished this, I honestly thought, “Wow. She really *is* mean! Does she not like her kids *this* much???”

    And then I sat back and thought, “Wait one minute there you crazy bitch. You do the same thing. You hid in your bedroom with the door blocked, watching ‘Sucker Punch’ and doing laundry. You will make your run last an extra hour to avoid having to interact with any one under 5 feet tall. Whatcha gonna say about that one?”

    Inner conversation sucks total ass.

    I love my kids to the nth degree.

    I just don’t want them to touch me.

    Or talk.

    Or move around.

    Or blink.

    That blinking thing is so fucking annoying.

    Praise the lord for school!!!

  19. Rita
    September 7, 2011 | 7:45 am

    Thank God you didn’t decide to home school! ROFL!! ;)

  20. Karie McRae
    September 7, 2011 | 8:13 am

    You make me laugh. You just say what the rest of us are thinking and are to chicken to admit it! I couldn’t wait for my kids to go back to school. I had a day off yesterday and I didn’t do a damn thing. My son asked me if I missed them…I replied “yes;” when really I was thinking “Hell No.”

  21. raquel
    September 7, 2011 | 8:29 am

    Did you crack my brain open and spill my thoughts out onto your blog?

    I have two teen boys and a preteen (a lil one too) But them damn boys ate all our food supply for the winter. EVERYTHING!!! ALL they did all summer was eat and play video games,,,,,well that and masturbate. They seriously broke my budget I am so glad they are back in school!

  22. ChiTown Girl
    September 7, 2011 | 8:40 am

    I heart you!

  23. Soph
    September 7, 2011 | 8:51 am

    HaHa I LOVED this post!! I laughed so loudly when you called your daughter the cling-on!! That was so honest. Just when I was getting all broody too…keep taking them pills Soph!

  24. Erin
    September 7, 2011 | 8:58 am

    Enjoy your freedom today!!!!!!! Your posts always crack me up, and I love how you always talk so openly and honestly about yourself and your family. I don’t have kids but know from everyone who’s honest about it, your kids annoy you at times. I love how you have the guts to say what everyone else is thinking Sandra!!!! :)

  25. Jen
    September 7, 2011 | 9:22 am

    haha. haha. hahahaha

  26. Stephanie D
    September 7, 2011 | 9:33 am

    I was excited about the school year starting as well….shhhhhhh…..don’t tell Peanut.

  27. Cheryl P.
    September 7, 2011 | 10:07 am

    That is absolutely the funniest post I have read…well maybe ever. I once told a friend that I thought that God’s master plan was that 18 year olds leave for college just because that coincides with the time that most mothers want to kill their offspring. The bitch dropped me as one of her friends. Tell me I am wrong.

  28. RachelJoy
    September 7, 2011 | 10:12 am

    I homeschool so the thought of my children leaving me for a couple of hours to go to school doesn’t happen…no don’t feel sorry for me. I also have nannies =) so therefore I can leave them for a couple of hours whenever I feel like it (which is almost everyday….OK I was just being motherly with ALMOST. It’s just EVERYDAY!)

  29. Lizbeth
    September 7, 2011 | 10:16 am

    OK, if you really must know, if there was a firing squad out back shooting you for all of your lack of remorse for the kids being back in school, I’d be standing right next to you. I’m in heaven from 9-3:30.

  30. Bouncin Barb
    September 7, 2011 | 10:38 am

    You are the best mom. Who could hate you? Your kids being clingy and needy tell me how much they love you and that’s because you’re really a sap for hugs and kisses from those germy extensions of you! I’m onto you! haha. Can you believe it’s school time already? Where did this summer go? Love ya sweetie!

  31. Hillary
    September 7, 2011 | 10:48 am

    I said on my facebook the day the kids were going back that i know most moms were saying they couldn’t stand the time apart but i honestly felt like it was going to be awesome. some of my friends came out of the woodworks and said, YES ME TOO!! and then others said i had “no soul”. hahahaha! people need to get over themselves, of course they’re happy their kids are at school, duh! absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if your kids are excited to be going back to school, why make them dismiss the excitement by telling them they’ll be missed and should stay home, LAME! i’m with ya 100%!

  32. Carolyn
    September 7, 2011 | 10:48 am

    We all need some alone time. I don’t think we realized alone time would be the number one sacrifice we’d make when we had kids!

  33. C.B.
    September 7, 2011 | 11:17 am

    I suggest you go to the bathroom right this minute to take a dump! You know nobody will be around…..that will be heaven right!

  34. Catherine Dabels
    September 7, 2011 | 11:24 am

    I took my kids to school ten minutes early today because they wouldn’t stop jumping on my couch and setting off the alarm in my truck. When I dropped them off I told them I hoped the next 7 hours were the slowest hours of my life.

    I feel no guilt.

  35. Mandy
    September 7, 2011 | 11:52 am

    My seven-year-old son is super needy and clingy. My one-year-old daughter could take or leave me. What gives? I have to beg that boy to stop touching me and I beg her to give me one hug but she just psychs me out and runs past me.

  36. RoryBore
    September 7, 2011 | 11:55 am

    Just 2 very important questions:

    1. where the hell did you find 2 hours, 23 minutes!?

    2. “firing squad of neediness”….do you sell motivational posters or plaques?

  37. diane rene
    September 7, 2011 | 12:11 pm

    this was the first summer that I wasn’t ready for it to end. normally, I am SO ready to send them back that I don’t even mind the fact that I actually have to crawl out of my warm cocoon to take them to school! but this year, we enjoyed each other …

    or I am just a step closer to insanity and didn’t realize that I should be pulling my hair out and screaming

    either way, I am enjoying my alone time, and my trips to target without having to stroll through the toy aisle :)

  38. Jessica
    September 7, 2011 | 12:56 pm

    If I ever have a small little thought about having more than one kid, I think these same things. We don’t like near family so I don’t have a “dump off” location.
    LOVE YOU! Honest can be mean, but they should just toughen up!

  39. (FL) Girl with a New Life
    September 7, 2011 | 12:57 pm

    Oh, how I’ve missed you. Following you on twitter now via flgirlnewlife.

  40. Possum
    September 7, 2011 | 1:04 pm

    Now I dont feel bad not having kids.
    You’re not mean…you just know your own truth!!

  41. Angie Uncovered
    September 7, 2011 | 2:16 pm

    I miss my son right now because he just moved in with his dad. Aside from that I haven’t felt guilt or missed them for like 18 years? Okay there was 1 hard year where the kids’ father took them every other weekend. Since that ONE DAMN YEAR… I’ve done it on my own and I have declared any day the house is mine and mine alone to be Guilt Free Naked Wine Time.

  42. Impulsive Addict
    September 7, 2011 | 2:29 pm

    I know we’re really close in age, but I really want you as my mom. I would bring all my friends to the house and I would finally get to be the coolest kid in school.

    Was the song Stacy’s Mom written about you? I think so.

  43. Paula @ thewilyweez
    September 7, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    I love that you feel no guilt! Rock on sista!

  44. nitebyrd
    September 7, 2011 | 2:52 pm

    My 26 year old moved back home with the gf. It’s like a non-stop party. In HELL! His work hours are the same as mine so there is NO alone time. Between him and the X being there every minute of every day when I’m there, I just may take out a contract on myself.

    I feel your pain.

  45. Lola
    September 7, 2011 | 3:18 pm

    Back to school was always my favorite day of the year. You are not mean. You just want a life.


  46. JennyBean
    September 7, 2011 | 4:40 pm

    She TEXTED you?! From her iPod! Oh, honey, you better enjoy what little freedom you have. I see HELL in your future. Buy some tequilia. You’re going to need it.

    Hugs, your BBFF (best bloggy friend forever)

  47. Carri
    September 7, 2011 | 4:43 pm

    I won’t hate you if you don’t hate me for wanting to kick every single mom on Facebook who talks about how she cries when her kids go back to school. “What am I going to do all day?” Well for one, you can get a fucking life!

  48. Queen B
    September 7, 2011 | 5:36 pm

    You’re obviously a great mom – your kids love you :) this means, of course, you can say whatever you want about them!

  49. Kyla
    September 7, 2011 | 5:37 pm

    “it feels like fucking heaven” LMAO!

  50. Kimberly
    September 7, 2011 | 6:00 pm

    I love your honesty. Enjoy your new-found freedom!

  51. Monkey Man
    September 7, 2011 | 6:10 pm

    Have you ever stopped to think the feeling might be mutual? Wait….now for a tired cliche’.

    “You’ll miss them when they’re gone.”

  52. Bridget
    September 7, 2011 | 6:26 pm

    YAY for school!!! Mine is enjoying it, and I’m enjoying him having something to do besides eat and play video games and skateboard.

  53. sara@domesticallychallenged
    September 7, 2011 | 6:50 pm

    The ONLY reason I never counted the days till they went back to school is because that meant I had to as well. This year? WHOOOOOOOTTT!

  54. Juanita Olson
    September 7, 2011 | 8:53 pm

    I raised five kids, I know where you are coming from and I thought I would really torture myself and teach 2nd grade for six years. My hair is totally gray. LOL
    Enjoy your blog!!

  55. Kande
    September 7, 2011 | 9:43 pm

    I fired my sitter and found a new one, because she made me feel guilty if I took my kid to daycare while I was home. Did I mention that I worked fulltime, have no family around to help, so other than the 7 hours 5 days a week that I work, my kid ( now kids) are with me??? Every evening, very night, every weekend. And my “days at home” were primarily the maybe 2-3 days I was SICK and at most 2 days per YEAR I wanted one fucking day with no people around me? Guess what – I kicked my husband to the curb those days too! Love my family, but we all deserve some alone time, and alone time shoukdn’t always have to be only when taking a shower or a dump! Yeesh. And to top it off, she still wanted to be paid, even if my kid was home with me!

  56. Missy | The Literal Mom
    September 7, 2011 | 9:48 pm

    June 28th? What the hell? Mine were out the first week of June. They have been back for 2.5 weeks now, so maybe that math adds up correctly, but what do you all do there to keep your kids in school until June 28th? 15 snow days?

  57. Wombat Central
    September 7, 2011 | 10:13 pm

    Mine came home doubly wired from their first day back today. What the hell?! Aren’t they supposed to wear them out?

  58. Drizzle
    September 7, 2011 | 11:57 pm

    I’m glad you’re so honest about everything.
    Don’t EVER feel guilty about that!
    Seriously, as a mom of multiple kids, you deserve to bitch about your children freely.


  59. Hopes@Staying Afloat!
    September 8, 2011 | 12:57 am

    The kids and their constant needs can drive me batty sometimes! I’m seriously considering implementing a “Mommy Needs” day where they have to attend to all my needs.

    Turn arounds fair play right?

  60. My Inner Chick
    September 8, 2011 | 1:40 am

    No guilt. Everybody feels the same…They just won’t admit it :) Enjoy your empty house Biatch.

  61. gigi
    September 8, 2011 | 1:59 am

    You really need to learn to express your emotions better.

    I LOVE this post. Tell it like it is, my friend. They get super annoying after awhile. Especially when they find crap hanging out of your nose.

  62. Shannon
    September 8, 2011 | 2:37 am

    you are my hero. I write this sitting on my bathroom floor just hoping the kids are asleep.

  63. Terri
    September 8, 2011 | 2:41 am

    This is great birth control. ;)

  64. Mama Spaghetti
    September 8, 2011 | 3:23 am

    Haha! I’ve got nothin’, but you made me laugh!

  65. Kimberly
    September 8, 2011 | 8:04 am

    This is why I love the shit out of you. Keep it real. I’ll keep coming back and laughing my ass off

  66. Joanne
    September 8, 2011 | 9:19 am

    Very funny!And I see you are also a night owl like me posting at 1:06 AM or maybe that is the only time you really have to yourself when everyone else is in bed. Thanks for following my blog! Happy to have you.

  67. sushmita
    September 8, 2011 | 10:01 am

    no matter what you write… what goes on inside your head… why do i get a feeling that you are an amazing mom… why would the kids want to cling on to you …. just a thot… am glad you will have time for yourself now :)

  68. Megan (Best of Fates)
    September 8, 2011 | 1:15 pm

    Have you considered blocking her? It works with all my friends.

  69. twelvedaysold
    September 8, 2011 | 2:06 pm

    You are hilarious. And Carri in the comments made me LOL too. Great post!

  70. Jenine
    September 8, 2011 | 2:55 pm

    I feel exactly the same way. Only thing is I must be a total glutton for punishment. I homeschool two kids so they never ‘go back to school’. Arrrrgh. Yeah, there are days when I’m pulling my hair out and ready to pack up and move to Montana.

  71. emz
    September 8, 2011 | 3:13 pm

    I freaking love your posts. CRACK me up. I don’t comment nearly enough. Keep on posting. They seriously make my day.

  72. Lola
    September 8, 2011 | 3:42 pm

    Hate you because you say mean things? That’s the main reason I LIKE you! Who else is going to make me look like nice? And nurturing? And wholesome? Who I ask? Who?

  73. meleah rebeccah
    September 8, 2011 | 4:17 pm

    You seriously CRACK ME UP.

    And I am totally on the same page as you. Even though I only have one child, I was THRILLED when he went back to school!

    “I feel no guilt.I’m good with wanting them the hell out of my house. I’m sick to death of them.”


  74. MikeWJ
    September 8, 2011 | 6:51 pm

    I think the phrase “coming home…to a firing squad of neediness” might be the most brilliant description of parenthood that I’ve read.

  75. Rachel
    September 8, 2011 | 7:12 pm

    My heavens this post was extremely refreshing! Like a big ol glass of lemonade on a hot summer day! I don’t have kids but even I am tired of hearing people moan and groan about how much they will miss their little angels while they are at school. My mom I am certain threw a party the day after labor day every year just as the bus took all 6 of her little angels off for 8 hours! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog Picture This! I am going to book mark your page since I enjoyed this post so very much!

  76. Ally
    September 8, 2011 | 8:41 pm

    Texted you from her iPod – LOL. She’ll be lucky if it doesn’t accidentally get broken in the near future… My son went back to school at the same time as my husband started training for his new job – the one that he will drive away to an office for. And not be working upstairs in our office. In the house. All the time. Talking to his computer. I don’t know how I’ll feel about it in four months, but right now I am in Heaven.

  77. BusyWorkingMama
    September 8, 2011 | 8:59 pm

    I hate to do it, I REALLY hate to go there…but stay at home moms or partial stay at home moms just have a different perspective than us idiots who somehow got roped into working all but 4-5 weeks out of the whole FREAKING year. I constantly read these posts and then go to my husband and ask “what the hell is wrong with me, why do I have to work all the fucken time?! Why can’t you support me better?!” (note, I must be serious since I’m cursing on your blog. Sorry. It is a sore subject.) I want to be there right along with you, whining about the bratty clingon kids. Then again…maybe not :)

  78. Linda Medrano
    September 8, 2011 | 10:02 pm

    Sweetie, I understand perfectly. I get so tired when Alex is home. It’s always something. And it’s usually something related to food. What are we going to have for lunch asked as he’s shoving his last piece of english muffin and egg and bacon in his mouth at 8 in the morning. You want to hold up your hand like a traffic cop and say “Just Stop”.

    Then he leaves and I whine even worse.

  79. Kate
    September 8, 2011 | 10:26 pm

    I hear you. I’ve said more than once that I’d love to be a stay at home mom as long as my kids were gone all day long. I’ve also said, to my children, “What do you think I am, your mom?”…which of course I am, but that doesn’t mean I want to be taking care of them all the time. Seriously.

    And the answer to “Will you miss us?” is “Certainly, because my aim gets worse the further away you are.”

  80. Working Mommy
    September 8, 2011 | 10:34 pm

    I love that you are so (brutally) honest!! Those who are saying they won’t enjoy being by themselves for the first time all summer are lying…that is the worst!


  81. rhapsody
    September 8, 2011 | 11:22 pm

    It’s been a minute. How you doing?
    I think all mothers/parents for that matter think the same thing. the only difference is you are vocalizing it.

    Have a splendid weekend…
    pop on in sometime.

  82. Nellie (The Midlife Cruiser)
    September 9, 2011 | 6:23 pm

    The kid posts crack me up THE MOST!! I always read them out loud to the mister. You’re awesome!
    “Cling-On” bahahahahahahaha!!!! Now you see why I don’t have kids. By choice.

  83. sparkling74
    September 9, 2011 | 9:43 pm

    All of you mothers out there who are so excited to be rid of your children for 6-8 hours a day? Go blow. I’ve been back for 3 days and I’m tired of talking, so I’m going to lay in my hammock and hope that Monday never comes.

  84. Making It Work Mom
    September 10, 2011 | 7:06 pm

    I am not even home with my kids all day and I was so happy to get them out of my house. The amount of sheer garbage that is generated around the house because of them is enough to make me think mean thoughts.

    Let’s raise a glass to school starting.

  85. Jen R
    September 11, 2011 | 1:26 am

    You have said what so many moms think. It doesn’t make us bad, it makes us real. Though I love my kids, summer time is LONG and there is so much together time that it smothers after awhile. Bless your heart…

  86. Rudy Flores
    September 12, 2011 | 1:17 pm

    this is awesome…and is also the reason my wife and i have chosen to NEVER have children! i like being selfish and only caring about myself and my wife. we are happy that way and don’t really need the bullshit of one of our spawns coming into our “me” time…especially during “naughty me” time. don’t get me wrong i love kids, hell i used to get payed pretty well to play tag and make sure they didn’t get hit by cars, but i really love those six o’clock kids. you know the ones i can give back at six so i can go home and watch porn…er i mean some adult contemporary cinema…yeah that’s it. ok so maybe using the word porn after talking about watching kids is bad but i was 19 at the time and my feelings for older plastic women were something i needed to address….alone….in my room….shit…i may have said too much.

  87. Faith
    September 12, 2011 | 8:44 pm

    all i have to say is i wonder if my mom thought the same thing … i always thought she cried in her room when we left for the first day of school … but now i have this odd feeling that she did some type of celebration! i’m going to have a talk with her.


  88. Lily
    September 13, 2011 | 1:32 pm

    My dad used to hide the Back To School sale fliers from the newspaper under my sheets so when I climbed into bed I’d find them. He felt no guilt and I turned out (relatively) normal. :-)

    I always think about the staples commercial that showed the father riding the cart up and down the aisles to the Christmas tune “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”.

    It’s all good Sandra! You are not alone! :-)

  89. Katherine
    September 13, 2011 | 9:14 pm

    I can’t help but agree with you (without guilt) 110%

  90. Rebecca Germain
    September 19, 2011 | 12:48 pm

    Best. Blog. Ever.

  91. [...] a humorous look at her life and her passions. With blog posts such as: Ladies Do NOT Fart! and Don’t Hate Me Because I Think Mean Things, how can you possibly go [...]

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