bitch bitch bitch…

I have two voices.
The voice I use when I’m reviewing a product, guestposting, and writing at In the Powder Room.
Essentially, it’s my indoor voice…although at In the Powder Room, give me some time to start feeling at home, and you know my dirty, screeching outdoor voice will come roaring through.

Then there is my real voice.
A voice I imagine as being sassy, loud, exuberant, and fun.
This is not only the voice I use to write, it is the voice I use to communicate with all those in my life…when I’m rested…’cause when I’m tired, my voice tends to be more of the, “Beat it!” variety.

The first day I was on vacation in Daytona Beach, I couldn’t contain my happiness.
In one email that I sent my friend, I was all, “Ooo emmm gee! I can’t believe how much fun I’m having!”

Her reply: “Are you being sarcastic?”

So emailed back, “No, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m having a great time. This is awesome!”

Her reply: “Who are you and why have you hijacked Sandra’s email account?”

Over the next few days, I continued to send her daily updates of our holiday: the beautiful condo on the beach, watching the ocean waves lapping at the shore from our bedroom window, the sun on my skin, cuddling with…

Her reply: “What? Now you’re Mary Fucken Sunshine?”

I was a little startled at first, because, well, yeah. I am Mary Fucken Sunshine.
Well, in the version of me in my mind I am.
I’m joyful, enthusiastic, giggly, witty.

Until the fifth day of the holiday.

On the fifth day, I emailed her to tell of the giant wave that took all eight of our towels out to sea.
How I had to lug those eight soaking wet, sand encrusted towels up the beach, through the winding hallways of our building, up six flights to our condo.

Her reply: “There’s my girl!”

The next few emails were more of the same from me: I’m tired; I can’t sleep on that damn mattress; I’m itchy; the kids are always around;, I can’t hear myself think…

And as I typed, I realized that my friend is right: I’m not this unencumbered person with no worries, rays of sunshine and light shooting from my asshole.
I have complaints.
I complain.
But I smile when I do it, so I don’t realize that I’m doing it.
I’m like a closet-complainer, only not.

Of course I could try and change this aspect of myself.
But remember the part at the beginning of this post where I wrote that when I’m tired, I’m all “Go away, I hate you”?
Well, for me to put in the effort and energy required to stop complaining would be exhausting, and then if I was constantly exhausted, not only would I complain, but I’d tell you to “Go away, I hate you!”
And I wouldn’t do it with a smile.
I’d be all scowly and my brow would be furrowed, which would only make me scowl even more at the thought of the new wrinkles.

Lose-lose for everyone involved.

So I emailed my friend back, and wrote, “Remember when we were in our twenties, and we joked that if we ever had twins, we would name them Smiley and Toasty, and wouldn’t that be so cute. People would be all, “Oh, you’re twins have such charming names!”? Well, I have names for us too: Bitchy and Cranky. I get dibs on Bitchy.”

And as I was typing, I was exuberant, joyful, and smiling.
Because really, how badass would we be with matching tshirts on which the words Bitchy and Cranky are emblazoned in neon pink across the back…

No need to answer. Of course that question is totally rhetorical.

Alright my friends, I have yet another request for you. Mama Spaghetti has been competing in Blogger Idol.
She’s made it to Top 3!
If you could click here and scroll down to Mama Spaghetti, all you have to do is click on the little circle to vote for her.

I think we could move her along into the top spot!

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32 Responses to bitch bitch bitch…
  1. C.B.
    August 31, 2011 | 1:38 pm

    That t-shirt is perfect for me since I’m french I won’t be bitchy ever (’cause french week days don’t end with y) Ha! if only it worked that way!

  2. Stephanie D
    August 31, 2011 | 1:44 pm

    You just keep on being you, and I’ll keep on reading what you have to say…thanks for the laughter, your posts always make me smile, and laugh…so hard that I sometimes snort milk thru my nose.
    On my way to vote for Mama Spaghetti!

  3. Mama Spaghetti
    August 31, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    I like the version of you that is you-iest. (Maybe I still have totally detoxed from my Dr. Seuss party).

    Thanks for the awesome plug, my friend! I owe you…

  4. Belle
    August 31, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    We bitch, moan and complain in my family and then laugh. It seems like a good way to get through life.

  5. Linda Medrano
    August 31, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    Darling Sandra, you can use your inside voice, your church voice, your brothel voice, your saloon voice, or your degenerate voice and I will still love you.

  6. Aubrey Anne
    August 31, 2011 | 2:08 pm

    Yesterday at work a super nice lady asked me when my baby was due. Until then, I’d felt all pretty and fancy in my dress and my cute shoes (even though my feet were killing me), because I usually wear the same old, boring black pants to work every day. Yesterday I went BOLD and wore a super-cute dress with a belt and leggings… Long story short, I threw the dress away and wrote a bitchy blog post when I got home, and then spent a long night wallowing in my own self-pity about my post-baby body.

    The truth of the matter is, I’m not sunshiney. I’m a complainer. I’m a bitch. The first response I got? My dad, telling me I’ve disappointed him.

    This post explains EXACTLY what I want to say today.

  7. Megan (Best of Fates)
    August 31, 2011 | 2:22 pm

    Voting accomplished. And I think you’re bitchy to the perfect extent.

  8. pattypunker
    August 31, 2011 | 2:46 pm

    i think it’s totally cool to do anything with enthusiasm. whether it’s really digging something or bitching about it, as long as you have some passion and aren’t indifferent to every fucking thing, then you’re my kind people.

  9. Yankee Girl
    August 31, 2011 | 3:39 pm

    Lately all I can do is bitch.

    And I have become very, very good at it.

  10. nitebyrd
    August 31, 2011 | 3:57 pm

    Bitchy is already taken. But it’s BITCHY! on my driver’s license.

    It’s probably just being in Florida ’cause it’s so freakin’ hot. Every.Damn.Day.

    I voted for Mama!

  11. Missy | The Literal Mom
    August 31, 2011 | 4:21 pm

    I have many voices/personas too. Depends on the day, sometimes the hour. I think it makes life much more interesting.

  12. Rita
    August 31, 2011 | 5:17 pm

    Hey, nobody can be bitchy all the time. What’s her problem anyways? ;)

  13. Kimberly
    August 31, 2011 | 5:26 pm

    I have different voices that I use depending on different moods. Isn’t that what makes us women? ;)

  14. Gigi
    August 31, 2011 | 5:36 pm

    I DEFINITELY need that t-shirt on most days; but especially today!

  15. Samantha L
    August 31, 2011 | 5:40 pm

    Your post? I love it.

    This quote right here:

    “Well, for me to put in the effort and energy required to stop complaining would be exhausting, and then if I was constantly exhausted, not only would I complain, but I’d tell you to “Go away, I hate you!”


    Typically when people ask me if I like where I live I say “no” and then I explain myself. Last week a stranger asked me (in the presence of my friends) the same question and I decided to say “You know? It’s a neat experience” and my friends just burst out laughing.

    Guess that’s why I’m called Saucy and not Sunny.

  16. Jessica
    August 31, 2011 | 5:41 pm

    We might have to share the title of Bitchy.

  17. Lola
    August 31, 2011 | 6:36 pm

    I’m not “Bitchy.” My t-shirt should say “Fuck you and I mean that in the nicest way possible.”


  18. BusyWorkingMama
    August 31, 2011 | 7:42 pm

    Haha, I’d be bitchy AND cranky having to drag those towels in. Why didn’t you delegate it to one of your little minions??

  19. fizzgig
    August 31, 2011 | 8:33 pm

    this is one of those libertys you take from being a woman. we are entitled to have different personalities, voices, and looks! Its the only joy you get considering we are saddled with more body fat, periods, pms, and child birth!

  20. Coffeypot
    August 31, 2011 | 8:59 pm

    Soooo…you are on the beach and the wave takes your towel? The same ocean you were yards from and the water sneaks up on you one wave at a time? Like the tides is coming in and all? And you just sit there? You deserve to loose them. And you stayed in a hotel that you had to walk up six fucking flights of stairs? No elevator? You have been in the snow country too long. Next time let me know when you are coming South and I’ll help y’all out.

  21. Brandy
    August 31, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    I have 5 more wks to blame it on being preggo then its back to “fuck off, I do what I want”…

  22. Mrs. Tuna
    August 31, 2011 | 9:34 pm

    I once completed blanked out on a guys name and resorted to introducing him at a big company meeting as his back room nickname…..WBC

    Whine, Bitch and Complain…

    Miss you my little hussy.

  23. Hopes@Staying Afloat!
    August 31, 2011 | 9:51 pm

    It’s too much work to be something your not or to not show your true emotions! Sometimes I’m bitchy (okay, alot lately) but sometimes I’m not. Bobby Brown’s song “It’s My Prerogative” just came into my head…hmmm not sure why! :)

  24. The Accidental Somebody
    August 31, 2011 | 10:06 pm

    It’s not humanly possible to stay happy all the time, and with four kids I’d be a complete bitch too! Just pepper some of that asshole-beaming sunsine around once in a while and call it good!

  25. Kimberly
    August 31, 2011 | 10:43 pm

    Sometimes it’s fun to use our outdoor voices. And sometimes it’s just plain necessary. Cranky sounds like it could also be a nickname for a drug addict… Just saying.

  26. Ruth
    August 31, 2011 | 11:05 pm

    You know what Honeyman told me once? That all women have a bit of bitch in them. That’s just the way it is.

  27. Crystal
    August 31, 2011 | 11:20 pm

    I love to complain with a smile on too! It’s the best way. Then everybody feels sorry for you and all…

  28. Alison@Mama Wants This
    September 1, 2011 | 1:16 am

    Hello, fellow Bitchy one! Wanna hang out?

  29. Cool Gal
    September 1, 2011 | 8:46 am

    No Stepford wife here, either.

    It’s not humanly possible to be happy all of the time. Anyone that says they are needs therapy. I don’t buy it one bit!

    I’d totally pick bitchy!

  30. Lola
    September 1, 2011 | 12:13 pm

    I’m all confused. Is being called a Bitch bad? Because I’ve been taking it as a compliment for years! Boy is MY face red! Oh…and as long as I’m asking questions…what about “Whore”? Just wondering if I’m supposed to be offended or not.

  31. Deborah
    September 2, 2011 | 7:25 am

    Don’t forget the cousins! Complacent and ornery. They are so much fun!

  32. Joanne
    September 4, 2011 | 11:48 am

    Yep the first few days are great until you find you’re the only one cleaning up and you are the last to get ready so you look like hell while everyone looks great. You have made sure to pack everyone’s bags with everything they could posssibly need, but find you have packed only two pair of underwear for yourself And have forgotten the hair products that keep your hair from going little Orphan Annie on ya.
    Oh , I’m having flashbacks!
    Blessings, Joanne

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