This blog will not change

So here’s something you may not know about me: I am totally drawn to spiritual, tranquil, serene people.
I get goose bumps when I’m around them.
One of my best friends is a very deep thinker and our conversations can get so introspective and thought-provoking, that by the time she’s done speaking, I’m almost in a trance-like state….for about 30 seconds.

Then I bounce out of her house, drop the ‘f’ bomb a few times as I step out into the cold, and speed home with my Glee cd blaring, all the while singing “Don’t Stop Believing” at the top of my voice.

I have often given thought to changing the direction of not only myself, but also my blog.
I figure if I change the tone of my writing, I’ll be forced into changing the tone of my thoughts.

I want to be that girl who mesmerizes people with her ethereal presence.
I want to speak in a soft, slow, sing-song voice.
I want to acknowledge the universe and the energy that flows within us all.
I want to wear long flowery frocks and Birkenstocks.
…ok, not really that last part. ‘Cause then I’d have to make sure I always had polish on my toes, and I don’t have time for regular pedicures.

So tonight I decided it was time to return to my hot yoga class.
I had not been in a few weeks.
I figured at least there, in the heat of the room, struggling to control my breathing and hold the poses, I would be forced into a state of serenity.

The problem is though, hot yoga has never been about that for me.
As per everything in my life, I can’t just sit there.
Nope.
Not me.

I flit into the room.
I roll my yoga mat out with a flourish.
I drop down on my back with a thud.

I’m tapping my feet.
I’m looking around at the other still bodies next to me, as we await our instructor.

Finally we start.
I’m lunging as deeply as I can.
I’m pushing every pose to its limit.
I’m like, “Look at me doing the splits! I haven’t done them since I was 17, and now…well, I’m not 17, and I can still do them!”

The instructor gives us the option to walk our feet to the top of the mat or jump.
You know I’m fucken jumping.
I land with a thump.

We are given the option of laying on our stomach or doing an extra vinyasa, which is sort of like a push-up, and of course, I chose…you guessed it! The vinyasa.
Only I don’t do just one.
I do about seven power vinyasas in a row.

I swear if I knew the instructor wouldn’t kick me out, I’d be doing jumping jacks and the running man.

I cannot slow down.

…until…

The nausea hits.

Suddenly, thirteen minutes into my practice, I’m laying on my back, wondering where I should barf.

I finish the class.

I come home.

And sit on the floor by the toilet, laying my face on the cold porcelain, burping up the chicken pot pie I had for supper.

My husband Wayne comes in.
I’ve been mean to him this week as he’s battled the sniffles an awful, debilitating flu bug.

He sees me and says, “Tried to show off again?”

I reply, “Yup.”

He stares at me and says, “That’s karma for ya.”

Hugging the toilet bowl tightly, I reply, “Fuck off.”

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80 Responses to This blog will not change
  1. Kristina P.
    April 8, 2011 | 4:10 am

    Yoga is the Mario Lopez of exercise. Nope, not remotely for me.

  2. stephanie
    April 8, 2011 | 4:17 am

    This cracked me up just because I can sympathize. slightly different scenario but I have been there!

  3. Red Shoes
    April 8, 2011 | 4:21 am

    LMAO @ 'the Mario Lopez of exercize…'

    At work, my friend, KP, tells me that he thinks me to be enlightened… I tell him he's full of shiznit… in a nice way, of course… :o D

    All in all, I like serenity in my Life… it's great to have..

    ~shoes~

  4. Mountain Witch
    April 8, 2011 | 4:22 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay, just so ya' know, you and I should never attend a yoga class together, we would def. be kicked out!

  5. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    April 8, 2011 | 4:23 am

    lol, all I can picture is an instructor saying in a calm voice, “And now we practice the Porcelain Pose… take a deep breath in, that's it, and ouuuuuut comes your dinner.”

  6. Yvonne
    April 8, 2011 | 4:24 am

    Karma's a bitch, Sandra!!!! lol I predict you will “asked to leave” the Yoga class one day. Bet? muahahaha!

  7. Annabelle
    April 8, 2011 | 4:31 am

    Karma shmarma.

    While I believe in it, I don't think this is it.

    No, this is further fodder for the epic man vs woman battle. Here it is proven not only are they titty babies when they're sick, they suck at nursing us, when we're down.

    Even if it was our own hot yoga binge that turned out stomachs.

  8. Bridget
    April 8, 2011 | 4:47 am

    That's what you get for being an overachiever. ;)

    And that is why I don't do yoga…

    I hope your blog nevah changes

  9. Natalie
    April 8, 2011 | 5:03 am

    Um yeah…what Bridget posted above me! You are so funny and so real…it's why we keep coming back (and reading even if I never leave you a comment)…but this one was too good NOT to leave a comment on!

  10. Lazarus
    April 8, 2011 | 5:08 am

    Sandra, my only thought here: Don't change the tone of your blog. “Don't Stop Believing” can easily be heard as “Don't Stop Blogging…”

  11. From Tracie
    April 8, 2011 | 5:08 am

    I would like to mesmerize people with my ethereal presence too…but I have yet to find it.

    I hope that your blog never changes…and that you are feeling better!

  12. Jessica
    April 8, 2011 | 5:46 am

    I hope your blog never changes. Very few people can make me laugh the way you do.

  13. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    April 8, 2011 | 5:46 am

    I think I prefer the full of life people, etherreal sounds zombie like

  14. Josie
    April 8, 2011 | 5:56 am

    The last time I did yoga I was the only senior in a PE class full of sophomores. I FINALLY got kicked out of class when I started making elephant noises and accused a girl of farting.

  15. Gina
    April 8, 2011 | 6:00 am

    Change? Why would you want to do that? Don't you know we depend on you for our daily quota of fart jokes and swearing. Now shut up and get back to what you do best!

  16. LOLA
    April 8, 2011 | 6:22 am

    Does hot yoga mean that you're only allowed in because you're so hot?

    Infinities of love,
    Lola

  17. Sarahf
    April 8, 2011 | 6:37 am

    I thought about doing hot yoga until I remembered how much I hate the humid summer here. So, I'm never going to be serene. I will always be a bit whiny and annoying. But at least I will be so in a cool environment.

  18. The Restaurant Manager
    April 8, 2011 | 6:48 am

    “You know I'm fucken jumping.” ~ Holy crap! What a funny line! Great post!

  19. Valerie
    April 8, 2011 | 7:34 am

    Ah, yes, the “check the ego at the door” think is lost on us westerners – and we pay later. Been doing Yoga for 13 years – it gets easier to not worry what everyone else around us is doing. Then every once in a while I hear my inner Buddha smackin off with “Dude, please – don't even THINK you are going to hang out in chaturanga longer than me.” Namaste, Ms. Thang, Namaste!

  20. JoJo
    April 8, 2011 | 7:50 am

    Hahaha I admire your motivation at the yoga. I've been meaning to try it out one of these days. Bought the mat and the cute clothes but not the class. One step at a time.

    Oh and please don't EVER get birkenstocks!

  21. Misfits Vintage
    April 8, 2011 | 8:03 am

    I totally puked in the one and only pilates class I went to. See – it's science – exercise is bad for you!

    Sarah xxx

  22. Gigi
    April 8, 2011 | 10:10 am

    You, my friend, are hilarious!

  23. Julianna
    April 8, 2011 | 11:05 am

    This must be why you love me… my thought provoking posts. :)

    and hugging the toilet bowl??? This is why I don't do yoga anymore.

  24. Kimberly
    April 8, 2011 | 11:06 am

    LOVE IT! I wish I could be soft-spoken and gentle sometimes too. But, I just am not. There's too much energy inside me for that. I can't contain it.

    And for that very reason, I don't even attempt hot yoga :(

  25. DCHY
    April 8, 2011 | 11:28 am

    I prefer to say “Karma's a bitch and she has sisters” instead of “Karma is a bitch”. ;)

    I like being serene…and I know that attracts people like flies. People always ask me how to be calm and I'd say, “Just take a breath, find your center, and then off you go.”

    I'd like to try bikram. Yes, I know what the official word for hot yoga is. ;)

  26. Portia
    April 8, 2011 | 11:32 am

    See? I always knew Yoga was bad for your health! Living in Florida, Bikram yoga is like just going outside. Yuck. Give me air conditioned comfort any time!

  27. Eliza
    April 8, 2011 | 11:42 am

    Sorry I'm LMAO, I wish I had your energy :-)

  28. Peevie Juice
    April 8, 2011 | 11:47 am

    Don't stop believing! On top of my get psyched mix. Sheer power.

    I come from the land of yoga, India. You should watch Indians to yoga sometimes. You'll crack up. Youtube “swami ramdev”. Trust me, it'll be worth it. best.yoga.guru.ever

  29. Mark
    April 8, 2011 | 12:24 pm

    Yeah, um, I agree with you. You're not the “serene” type.
    m.

  30. -stephanie-
    April 8, 2011 | 12:30 pm

    Maybe you just caught your husbands, uhhh sniffles.

  31. TheUnSoccerMom
    April 8, 2011 | 12:41 pm

    don't hate me.. but I laughed…

    I'm the one who does the MINIMUM when I exercise just so I don't barf… :o )

    but then again, I haven't graced the door of a gym in over a year… the only “ladies only” gym in my town closed down and I just can't see myself getting all sweaty w/ guys all around me… fantasy to some, panic attack in the making to me…

  32. laughingmom
    April 8, 2011 | 12:49 pm

    My serenity comes in a pharmacy bottle – who needs tranquility when there's chemistry!

  33. Snake
    April 8, 2011 | 12:56 pm

    Not sure throwing up is the result of karma, as much as too much exercise on a full stomach . . . :) Yeah, serenity is a plus, and it doesn't cost a dime . . . OM baby! Ciao

  34. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    April 8, 2011 | 1:00 pm

    This makes me want to do a little yoga today. Sans the barfing. I need someone like you around to get my walking to the top of the mat butt moving. You'd make a good drill sgt. I mean, fitness coach.

  35. jules
    April 8, 2011 | 1:14 pm

    hee hee hee. As someone who also does the hot yoga, I totally feel you on this. I don't have the energy to show off for the first 13 minutes though. I keep thinking yoga is going to make me calm and serene also but its hard when you end up focusing on not vomiting if you ate too recently, or not passing out if you didn't eat enough before hand!

  36. Joy
    April 8, 2011 | 1:21 pm

    Yep, you're great the way you are. Don't stop believing!!!!

  37. Stephanie
    April 8, 2011 | 1:54 pm

    Hahahah. Don't stop believing…hold on to that feeeling. But please stop singing the Glee version and stick with Journey. :) I think you just sold me on yoga.

  38. Rita
    April 8, 2011 | 1:59 pm

    You are only supposed to be the best YOU! Not anyone else. No matter if you can't see it or are trying to hide it, we can see your shiny, sparkly soul. Keep singing, lady!! ;)

  39. SuzRocks
    April 8, 2011 | 2:09 pm

    I'm impressed that you can do all that yoga stuff. I'm so inflexible, I'm working on stretching so I can TOUCH MY TOES. Yeah, you read that right.

    I'm not sure you should change your tone. I like your tone. I like it a lot. Unless you WANT to. I'm assuming that even if you changed your tone, you wouldn't be able to help yourself from dropping the f-bomb, so then I'd be happy.

  40. karensomethingorother
    April 8, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    OH, I can certainly be a maniac too, but almost never of the EXCERCISE variety. More's the pity.

  41. Lizbeth
    April 8, 2011 | 2:25 pm

    Yet another reason NOT to do youga or eat chicken pot pies…

    And don't change your tone. Please! If this is any sign of karma you're gonna be a lot closer to that toilet bowl if you do… ;)

  42. Cake Betch
    April 8, 2011 | 3:11 pm

    You are so freaking cute and spunky. I don't want you to go all ethereal and worldly. You were put here on this earth to be crazy, goddammit.

    What kind of subscription have you been talking about on my blog? An email subscription? I have a follow bar, but I could probably put the email thing on there too. I just didn't think anyone would use it.

  43. Bibliomama
    April 8, 2011 | 3:14 pm

    You can only be what you are – a funny, profane, stupidly hot freak with a weird thing for Justin Bieber.

  44. Brandy@YDK
    April 8, 2011 | 3:27 pm

    bummer. feel better soon.

  45. Monkey Man
    April 8, 2011 | 3:41 pm

    I know the feeling. For me the mind is 25 but the body is….well….older.

  46. Lola
    April 8, 2011 | 3:50 pm

    No you DID NOT just try to show off in Yoga!! Girlfriend, I just joined a small group strength and endurance training class and I swear I cannot control myself! Yesterday I nearly blacked out and my ears were popping! Then the nausea hit. I walked it off but seriously? I HAD to outdo the other women!. Why do we get so competitive when in a group? We would have a serious blast training together. You, me, our matching Lulu Lemon outfits and our trainer who doesn't understand why every session ends with a barfathon as neither of us will let the other “win”.

  47. Raven
    April 8, 2011 | 4:03 pm

    Oh girl, I just love you. But not in a creepy way, I promise. You so crack me up. You rock my world. :D

  48. Queen B
    April 8, 2011 | 4:20 pm

    I've been doing P90x in the mornings, and I must admit that when I roll out of bed and do the yoga dvd before I'm fully awake I kinda feel zen afterwards. I mean, that lasts about 10 minutes until I go back downstairs and interact with the husband in his early morning joyful state.

    I like the idea of doing multiple vinyasas. I tend to do one slow one, but I'm liking the idea of multiple fast ones. good tip!

  49. Bossy Betty
    April 8, 2011 | 4:26 pm

    Oh, I've tried. I've TRIED Yoga.

    I generally have the same results as you.

  50. suz
    April 8, 2011 | 5:10 pm

    There are tyose of us with too much “serenity,” we wish we had your evergy!

  51. Heather
    April 8, 2011 | 5:41 pm

    Don't change a thing. We like your potty mouth and your mouth in the potty.

    I kill me.

    (Birkenstocks? Really?)

  52. Coffeypot
    April 8, 2011 | 6:15 pm

    You can change your blog look and makeup and go into all that 60's hippi-dippi karma soul searching shit all you want…as long as you show your boobs every now and then. Don't take it all away from me.

  53. Leila
    April 8, 2011 | 6:55 pm

    I do not like the beginning of your post. I think you can awe/mesmerize people in your own way. You cannot force a personality or temperamental change upon yourself, and doing so by forcibly changing your habits will only result in a mechanized and lifeless countenance on your part rather than a substantial and inspiring change. Besides, personalities are more complex than that… A lot of people think I'm introspective and withdrawn, but I'm actually a boisterous, easy-going person. I like to laugh really loudly over stupid things and go out with friends. I have fun in everything I do. You don't have to assume the cliches of reticent individuals to look intelligent Sandra.

  54. Anonymous
    April 8, 2011 | 6:56 pm

    Don't you DARE change….love your posts just the way they are!!!

  55. Roxie-Girl
    April 8, 2011 | 7:06 pm

    I get it, I really get it! Your posts are phenomenal!!
    The part about your hubby knowing you showed off…fuckin priceless!!!!

    xoxo
    Roxie-Girl

  56. Mrsblogalot
    April 8, 2011 | 7:21 pm

    HAAA!! Don't listen to him. You're Karma is freaken awesome!!!

  57. becca
    April 8, 2011 | 7:44 pm

    please whatever you do don't change i adore you and your blog just the way they are

  58. Diane
    April 8, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    BwaHa! Wayne knows you well, doesn't he?

    Definitely don't change your blog. Love it! Just as it is.

    Btw, I loathe vinyasas.

  59. Bouncin' Barb
    April 8, 2011 | 9:14 pm

    Your hubs is probably high fiving the air since you made fun of him but hey, maybe he writes a secret blog and he's thinking he can write about you! Let him have this one cuz we know better! Hope it passed quickly! Love ya!

  60. Silliyak
    April 8, 2011 | 10:27 pm

    I don't know if you still read comments after 59, but here goes. Strive to be the least competitive person in your class. (That's almost a koan really) “God grant me patience, and I want it right now!” Lastly, and seriously, if you state your intentions, think about your intentions and maybe write them down sometimes, you'll probably achieve what you ask for although it may not look like what you think now. I'm REALLY OLD, so you might think I know what I'm talking about. It's a crap shoot.

  61. The Onion
    April 8, 2011 | 11:32 pm

    I knew why I liked you when you said you drove home jamming to the GLEE CD. I also have one in my car right now.

    I knew I loved your husband when he saw you on the floor and knew you had tried to go for it and ended up puny. Special Agent and your hubs would get each other.

    But your response to him sealed the deal.

    http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

  62. EmptyNester
    April 9, 2011 | 12:32 am

    DD2 loves her hot yoga class. I am not a fan of yoga. And I'm a huge not nice person when I get hot. Therefore, hot yoga + me = someone's gonna get hurt- and it won't be me. LOL

    Love this post!

  63. Belle
    April 9, 2011 | 1:00 am

    Ah, wasn't it nice you made your husband's day?!

  64. Tracy
    April 9, 2011 | 1:15 am

    Bless you…haha, you made me laugh-yoga and I do not get along…AT ALL!!!

  65. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    April 9, 2011 | 1:19 am

    No, Never Change! Besides, fuck off isn't nearly as powerful when you're wearing flowery frocks and Birkenstocks.

  66. Bring Pretty Back
    April 9, 2011 | 3:13 am

    Girl! You gotta be YOU! Don't change a thing!!
    Have a pretty day!
    Kristin

  67. Shabbygal
    April 9, 2011 | 3:47 am

    You had better not change the tone of your blog! That is why we love you ! Just the way you are! REAL! Traci

  68. Big a
    April 9, 2011 | 5:29 am

    this cracked me up … thank you for coming by my blog and following … i may not have found you otherwise and i can soooo relate to the competitive yoga experience.

    even though the practise is supposed to be about your own journey … i'm at war with everyone in the class.

    nice to meet ya … a kindred spirit

  69. Sorta Southern Single Mom
    April 9, 2011 | 10:39 am

    I don't mean to laugh in the face of your discomfort, but HOLY COW… I think I might pee my pants!

    I have this vision of channeling my inner southern bell and gliding all over the place… and then I barge into the room like the northerner I am and everyone looks at me. NOPE… you can take the girl outta the north, but you can't take the north outta the girl!

  70. The Family Stone
    April 9, 2011 | 11:32 am

    I just read your last few posts…laughed out loud at least four times, scaring my toddler sitting next to me watching Barney. Good times. Will be back

  71. Holly Ruggiero
    April 9, 2011 | 2:28 pm

    I wasn’t sure where the post was headed but when it got there, it did it with your usual finesse. I’m glad I wasn’t’ drinking my tea at the time.

  72. Debra Ann Elliott
    April 9, 2011 | 2:40 pm

    Love it!

  73. Dr. Heckle
    April 9, 2011 | 4:49 pm

    I love burping chicken pot pie! It's like…second dinner!

  74. Mamma has spoken
    April 9, 2011 | 5:21 pm

    Tranquility is overrated…

  75. meleah rebeccah
    April 9, 2011 | 6:54 pm

    Oh girl, I feel your pain.

    I wasn't even TRYING to show-off and I still almost tossed my cookies – the first and ONLY time I ever attended a hot Yoga class.

  76. The Boob Nazi
    April 9, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    I cannot stand yoga. I'm all for stretching and ish like that, but I CANNOT DO IT. I can't “center” myself and whatever crap they tell you to do.

  77. LuLu Kellogg
    April 9, 2011 | 8:13 pm

    “burping up the chicken pot pie…”….ROFL!

    No one Blogs like you. Don't change.

    LuLu~*xoxo

  78. Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry
    April 9, 2011 | 9:28 pm

    well, don't change a thing.
    freakin' awesome.

    i tried Yoga, i think it's not for me i ca't control my breathing.

    betty

  79. Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry
    April 9, 2011 | 9:29 pm

    Oops, I meant to say, you're freakin' awesome.
    But you already know that!

  80. Sparkling
    April 13, 2011 | 2:32 pm

    This is EXACTLY what I do in a yoga class!! It's why I can't “do” yoga! I can't sit still. I push EVERY pose to the limit and then wonder why it hurts a little. I'm always looking at myself in the mirror. Even though it's always dark. Being an instructor, I can't help looking at everyone else and noticing that they aren't doing it “right”. Yoga has too much “whatever” for me. It's not strict enough. I always figure I'll do it when I'm old.

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