The makings of a Facebook profile picture

This is my current Facebook profile picture:

I finally uploaded it a few days ago after having had the same profile picture for almost one year.

Why did I have the same picture for so long?
Because it was a good picture.

And let’s face it, a Facebook picture is worth a thousand words.

It tells your current friends that you’re doing well.
“Look at me,” it says, “my lifelong battle with ecsema and dry skin hasn’t spread to my face.”

It tells your old high school rivals, who for some reason have “friended” you despite the fact that they scribbled the word ‘BITCH’ on your locker when you were 15, “Sorry to disappoint you, but my unruly frizzy hair is better than ever because NOW I can afford expensive hair products. Bitch!”

It tells your relatives, “We have awesome genes!”

It tells the relatives you don’t like, “My side of the family has awesome genes.”

It tells your old boyfriends, “You could have been tapping this ass.”

However, that having been said, it’s no small feat creating a profile picture capable of conveying so many messages.
It can take hours, sometimes days of preparation.

The picture displayed above took approximately 45 minutes to capture, and that’s not counting prep time for wardrobe, hair, and makeup.

I came down stairs after fucking with my hair for over an hour combing my long flowing locks, and gave the camera to my seven year old because he doesn’t know to flee in terror yet.
I don’t even ask my husband to do the honours anymore because his eyerolls and sighs only make me want to jam the camera up his ass.

“Terran,” I said, “take a picture of me, ok?”
“Sure,” he said.

Let’s begin.

What the hell am I wearing?
Looks like I should be wearing this jacket over a pair of fuzzy pyjama bottoms and slippers with bunny heads.

Next.

Blurry.

Next.

Super good one, except my head is cut off.

…at this point, my husband, Wayne, walked by, and said, “I thought we were going for supper?”

“We are,” I said.
“Are you posing for a Facebook picture?”
“I am.”
“I guess this means I have time to change the breaks on your van.”

…Fucker.

Next.

Hell no! No closeups.
You can see my nose hairs this close up.
…My daughter walks by, and says, “Is this for your Facebook, Mom?”

“Yes.”
“Give me the camera,” she says to her little brother. “I’m starving!”

Next.

Not too bad, but it’s a little blurry, and my smile is too subdued.
It doesn’t convey my exuberance and joie de vivre.
Next.
What the fuck am I doing jutting my ass out like that?
Not only is this blurry again, but it screams, “I need to see a chiropractor for a hip realignment.”
Next.

…well, the photographer got distracted, and found a new subject.

Next.

What am I doing?

Why is my head at that angle?
Am I being exorcised?
Is my head going to spin 360 degrees?
What?

Next.

Not only is this super cheesy, but I look flat as a board.
Where are my boobs?
I want big tits!
So at this point I explained to my daughter that I was going to go put on my padded bra, to which every member of the household exclaimed in unison, “Let’s go!”

Ok.
Fine.
Fine.

Next.

I still don’t look like I’m stacked, but if we miss the Happy Hour special at the restaurant, my cheapass husband will never let me live it down.
And speaking of boobies, my friend Poppy at Funny or Snot is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. Your generosity would be greatly appreciate. To support Poppy, click here to donate.

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90 Responses to The makings of a Facebook profile picture
  1. Renegades
    April 24, 2011 | 1:13 am

    What a funny story and a good picture in the end!

  2. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    April 24, 2011 | 1:14 am

    You know what's worse then getting your little kids to take your picture? Trying to take one yourself. I have tried and failed numerous times. Which is why I have the avatar that you see. One day, I will be a real girl.

  3. Kimberly
    April 24, 2011 | 1:14 am

    love the picture you picked! I know it takes me forever to get a good picture these days.

    Happy Easter!

  4. Ange
    April 24, 2011 | 1:19 am

    If the facebook profile picture says that much I should probably change mine. Mine is currently me fresh out of bed (and skipping a shower) shoving contacts in my eyes.

  5. SherilinR
    April 24, 2011 | 1:21 am

    oh my gosh, we totally have the facebook photo sessions here too. but i've given up letting my family attempt to take the pic & now i take it of myself. all my facebook pics are self taken now or never a decent photo would exist. the one negative is that they're all closeups & i don't get to show off my giant knockers.

  6. The WholeFamDamily
    April 24, 2011 | 1:25 am

    hilariousness, i do this as well, except it's always me taking the pics of myself cuz everyone else could give a damn…unless it's for my style blog and then it's my 6 or 8yr old and they know not to make me spit fire at them for making the pic blurry, they just keep snapping until i'm somewhat happy with the results. taking pics is hard biznASS! ;)

  7. Mrs. C
    April 24, 2011 | 1:27 am

    LoL Love the post and the picture! Have a great weekend!

  8. Making It Work Mom
    April 24, 2011 | 1:32 am

    Which is why I haven't updated my Facebook picture in over a year. My children take horrible pictures…

  9. Kristina P.
    April 24, 2011 | 1:36 am

    How did you not end up topless and spread eagle?

  10. Bouncin' Barb
    April 24, 2011 | 1:39 am

    Sorry, but that closeup photo of you is awesome. You look great in that one. That's my pick. Happy Easter!!

  11. Lin
    April 24, 2011 | 1:43 am

    And that would be why I have a freaking flower as my FB “face”. I never got a good shot. :(

  12. Portia
    April 24, 2011 | 1:46 am

    My facebook photo is a few years old but I looked GOOD! I've since gained some weight. A lot of weight. But when old rivals look me up, I look pretty good!

    Happy Easter!

    Your photo came out great!

  13. Coffeypot
    April 24, 2011 | 1:46 am

    My Facebook picture hasn't gotten me laid yet…not even a flirty comment. And you look great in everyone of your pictures so quit bitching. In you photo section you can have them all posted.

  14. Rebecca
    April 24, 2011 | 1:48 am

    Nice post! I always love a fashion show, even if it is with the same outfit ;)

  15. jo.irish.rose
    April 24, 2011 | 1:49 am

    this is the first time i have seen your post…super funny…and might i add, i do the same!! i go thru 10~15 shots, then have hubby try, still don't like them, try again…and then again!! but you pic turned out pretty good.

  16. The Onion
    April 24, 2011 | 1:52 am

    I love you so much, this most is HILARIOUS!

    I was worrying I had scared prudes away from my blog on my last post, but all I have to do is come over here to die laughing over poop, pubes, and the lifelong quest to make high school classmates jealous. And, with cursing.

    Me loves you long time too.

    http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

  17. Mejis
    April 24, 2011 | 2:11 am

    I've resorted to posting pictures of my dog as my profile pick. Sad but true.

  18. knitwit
    April 24, 2011 | 2:13 am

    You look better than the (now fat, wrinkly) bitches from high school in all of them, but I see your point. Why settle for great when perfection is a possibility?
    That said, I usually give up after half an hour and go with the picture of my kid with the dog.

  19. Deborah
    April 24, 2011 | 2:14 am

    I think this is my favorite post yet!! :) I do that with my daughter, but i didn't have the guts to tell anyone I do that! haha You're the best!!

  20. mintifresh
    April 24, 2011 | 2:20 am

    When my kids take my picture it looks like I am the giant lady attacking a city of innocent people. Maybe that's just how I look in real life but I don't want to admit it.

  21. Yandie, Goddess of Pickles.
    April 24, 2011 | 2:21 am

    Yeah, if I had to go through that everytime I changed my FB pic, I'd only change it once a year too.

    Fortunately, I have little to no pride, so my profile album has about 200 pics in it. Some of them are flattering. A fifth of them are cartoon versions of myself. Most of these are more flattering than the real thing.

    My superhero self has wings. True story.

  22. Queen B
    April 24, 2011 | 2:23 am

    definitely the most roundabout way to get to a breast cancer donation opportunity ;)

    all the takes were definitely worth it – that pictures says everything a fb profile pic needs to!

  23. Marianne
    April 24, 2011 | 3:20 am

    HAHAHAHA!! This post is so fucking dead on!! I love your analysis of what your profile picture says to different people. Lookin' good, sexy lady. But you already knew that ;)

  24. Annabelle
    April 24, 2011 | 3:22 am

    See, that's why I'm tryin' to get all up in yo gene pool ; )

    Most of my profile shots aren't even of me. I have an angry flag I fly, to warn the villagers. A gorgeous photo of a flower, that looks like a vagina. A shot and a beer. My lucky symbols, that sort.

    stay lovely

  25. Rita
    April 24, 2011 | 3:29 am

    I like the closeup one, too. But if you want to show a variety of people that you still have a rockin' bod, I guess you'd need the longer shot. ;)

  26. Simeon
    April 24, 2011 | 3:39 am

    Ha!

  27. Yvonne
    April 24, 2011 | 5:03 am

    Great pic! But I like the one with the one where your hip looks like it gave out the best!

  28. Symdaddy
    April 24, 2011 | 5:40 am

    Fancy having the same Facebook profile pic for a year!

    I thought 11 years was standard. I look [insert your own description] in mine (that's my dog on the right,not me…OK?), which was taken in 2000 at the Big Pineapple, Queensland, Australia.

    Sad to say, I've thinned in one area and broadened in another since those days … a camera can no longer be seen as a 'friend'.

  29. Flying high in the sky....
    April 24, 2011 | 5:56 am

    you are too cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! see the twinkle in your eyes….i can almost see the child lurking there!!! loved your take on facebook profile photos .. haa…haa… so so so very true!!! keep writing…and remain the person you are…pure and beautiful!!!

  30. A Daft Scots Lass
    April 24, 2011 | 6:06 am

    Happy Easter.

    Great run-through of you FB picture.

    i normally choose one that doesn't make me like a moose. I don't look too much into it.

    your process is very calculated

  31. Big a
    April 24, 2011 | 6:43 am

    you're just so fucking funny … i love you

  32. Valerie
    April 24, 2011 | 6:50 am

    “You could be tapping this ass.” Love it. I think my facebook photo hints at “She must be day drunk again.”

  33. Lalis
    April 24, 2011 | 7:01 am

    I'm just so damn grateful you don't do the myspace pose… (You know, hold the camera up high, look up, pucker up with a face that says, “f**k me!” and usually with the bathroom in the background). My friends' moms do that!

    Yours is classy. Who cares if it took forever to take it? ;)

  34. C
    April 24, 2011 | 9:47 am

    you are so funny, and beautiful too! i do the same with taking my picture… hahahaha

  35. Julianna
    April 24, 2011 | 11:23 am

    Oh, honey… at one point I put up a picture of my tattoo. :)

    My kids love taking pictures… except they'll get a good pic of me, and then I'll be like “What the hell is that behind me?, I really should have cleaned before we did this…”

  36. Gigi
    April 24, 2011 | 12:26 pm

    And this is why my Facebook photo is the same one it's been from the beginning of time……

  37. Alittlesprite
    April 24, 2011 | 12:52 pm

    After all that, the one you picked is really really nice :)

    I have the Pokemon cat as my pic.. Meaning, I have no decent pictures of me.

  38. Mamma has spoken
    April 24, 2011 | 1:04 pm

    Well you could do like many of my facebook friends do and hold the camera yourself while taking your own picture :o /
    It's chessey as hell but hey, so is posing, jk,jk,jk…..

  39. j-tony
    April 24, 2011 | 1:05 pm

    Too funny. It must be a chick thing. My DW is the same way with her profile pic. Us guys have pics of our kids or something someone else took in a drunken moment. Oh and I apologize I just realized I wasn't following. Totally am now.

  40. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    April 24, 2011 | 1:06 pm

    HILARIOUS!!! Also, you look good. Don't worry. Your old bfs won't be in the “I could be tapping that ass” territory, they would be going “God, HOW COULD I LET SUPERMEGAFOXY WOMAN GO? I should just don my cone of shame now.”

  41. The Minute Man's Wife
    April 24, 2011 | 1:09 pm

    LOL! You're crazy beautiful… or well, maybe just crazy!

  42. becca
    April 24, 2011 | 1:09 pm

    Have a Happy Easter

  43. Sparkling
    April 24, 2011 | 1:09 pm

    You know what I'm busy doing when I look at all of these pictures (I meean, once I get past your gorgoues locks and huge knockers) I'm busy looking at what's around you in the pictures. I wonder “what kind of decorating does the narcissist do?”. I'm curious about this quilt I keep seeing….

  44. TanaLicious
    April 24, 2011 | 1:33 pm

    So true – I even read parts aloud to my hubby! Have a fabulous Easter :)

    ~Tana
    iamtanalicious.blogspot.com

  45. LuLu Kellogg
    April 24, 2011 | 2:13 pm

    Blurry pics or not, you're still gawgus!

    Happy Easter!

    LuLu~*xoxo

  46. Kat
    April 24, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    I have so few pics of myself because I'm always the one holding the camera! When my kids do take pictures of me they tend to be the most unflattering things you could ever see. Can I borrow your kids?

  47. Nicole
    April 24, 2011 | 2:43 pm

    Funny! But all those pictures look lovely, darling.

  48. MommaKiss
    April 24, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    I always have to take self portraits because my husband is an asshole. And over a foot taller than me. The pictures never turn out.

    Thanks for the support for Poppy & our team! BOOBIES NEED HELP!!

  49. Kimberly
    April 24, 2011 | 2:56 pm

    You know…you are SO right. I'm sure there's a market for someone to make a company that promises “the perfect profile picture in ten minutes”…I know I'd let them have their way with me…that elusive profile pic is priceless!

  50. Raven
    April 24, 2011 | 3:38 pm

    LMAO my Midget would tell me to get bent if I pulled out my camera for FB pics. Mine are all ones I took myself. I don't have any current ones though. Now I just post funny pics as my profile pic and will continue to do so until I lose weight.

  51. Kimberly
    April 24, 2011 | 3:55 pm

    Easter Bunny (I wanted to say Jesus but since it's his big day and all I thought that I should refrain from using his name in vain or whatever)
    You are gorgeous and I'm sure that everyone on your Facebook hates the shit out of you. Kidding. But I bet they are madly jealous.
    You rock mah socks woman! (In a non-lesbian way of course)

  52. XLMIC
    April 24, 2011 | 4:25 pm

    And this is why I remain shrouded in mystery ;-)

    This is just so true!

  53. H A R R Y G O A Z
    April 24, 2011 | 6:30 pm

    Happy Easter!

  54. Bossy Betty
    April 24, 2011 | 6:41 pm

    So funny! I think you've touched on an experience a lot of people have here!

  55. Impulsive Addict
    April 24, 2011 | 8:22 pm

    You are so funny AND gorgeous! Ok, so I'm completely jealous.

  56. Ginger
    April 24, 2011 | 9:23 pm

    Sandra you look fab as always. I could so friend you on Facebook…In fact I could give up men for you.
    p.s. Cant wait for the next installment where you tell us of the ex boyfriends trying to hit you up :)
    p.p.s. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am the only one who can take my picture and I look good in it.

  57. Stephanie
    April 24, 2011 | 10:27 pm

    BAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry that I don't have anything intelligent to add other than that. I just wanted to convey my appreciation for your kind of funny! :)

  58. Rebecca
    April 24, 2011 | 11:46 pm

    You are so pretty, will you be my friend?

  59. qandlequeen
    April 25, 2011 | 2:53 am

    Every shot, even the blurry ones are gorgeous. Currently my profile picture is a toilet – a lovely gift left in my front yard a few weeks ago by a practical joke coworker.

  60. Mik
    April 25, 2011 | 4:13 am

    Nice picture, my Facebook profile pic was one I took while laying on the bed, and I use as my avatar everywhere as I usually don't like pictures of myself.

  61. StephanieC
    April 25, 2011 | 4:24 am

    I hate self-photos. I have a scar from my old nose piercing that I see in every shot.

    At least you had success!!

    My guy hates having to take pictures of me with the new puppy, but HELLO! I cannot do it myself when she is sleeping on my lap!

  62. Not Blessed Mama
    April 25, 2011 | 9:41 am

    no fair! i didn't know you could have your kids take 500 pictures of you until you got a decent one. i feel cheated!

  63. myevil3yearold
    April 25, 2011 | 10:55 am

    My seven year old is not that good with a camera.

  64. Beckysworld
    April 25, 2011 | 12:32 pm

    Yay someone who totally gets it, except I had never thought to have the princess play camera girl. I'm so working on a new FB pic later today. Gotta use these kids while they're still around and useful. Love the new pic by the way, totally spit pepsi out my nose reading some of the captions for the out takes photos though.

  65. Snake
    April 25, 2011 | 1:26 pm

    A great pic . . . Some comments . . . Your boobs are just fine . . . You do have great genes . . . Your youngest is going to be a great photographer someday . . . I hope you made it to Happy Hour . . . :) Ciao

  66. Elly Lou
    April 25, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    I think your boobs look stupendous. Well done. And your booty looks miniscule.

  67. DCHY
    April 25, 2011 | 2:37 pm

    Loved the progress! Me? I go for “in the moment” pics…but I don't change my profile pics often. Like to keep it real…just like you. ;)

  68. CRY
    April 25, 2011 | 3:00 pm

    You make me laugh and everything you said is so true about highschool and such.
    I love you honesty and just that you are REAL!

  69. nitebyrd
    April 25, 2011 | 3:42 pm

    My profile picture is Vampira. Took all of 2 seconds to crop and upload. Confuses the family and friends I haven't seen in 30 years. Works for me!

    BTW, you look FABULOUS!

  70. NerdyRedneck Rob
    April 25, 2011 | 4:14 pm

    Silly girl! All you needed was that bikini picture from a few posts back!

    Funny, women ALWAYS think putting things ON makes them look good. Men know the opposite is true.

  71. Lazarus
    April 25, 2011 | 4:43 pm

    Wow, I would've never thought that much effort went into it! I'll appreciate the photo a bit more next time I leave a snarky comment under one of your status updates. I'm sure the family is happy that they can have peace for another year (unless you're going to update the photo more frequently…)

  72. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    April 25, 2011 | 6:09 pm

    Hahaha, than you so much for exposing the underbelly of a good Facebook photo session! You look fab, dawling.

    Thankfully I have a boyfriend who miraculously takes good photos of me in one take.

  73. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    April 25, 2011 | 7:16 pm

    I had no Facebook photo for about three years. I'm not sure what that says about me, but it can't be good.

  74. Suniverse
    April 25, 2011 | 7:22 pm

    This is why my facebook photo is of Wonder Woman – otherwise it's just too stressful to find a photo I like. Or make someone take a photo I like.

  75. Lourie
    April 25, 2011 | 7:26 pm

    I can totally relate to this post. I hate HATE having my picture taken. I pretty much hate every single picture there is of me. Yours is great.

  76. Nikki
    April 25, 2011 | 7:55 pm

    Ahahahah! I loved this. I seriously laughed loud at work and now people are staring.

  77. Toriz
    April 25, 2011 | 8:08 pm

    I've always hated photos of myself. Now, thankfully, I don't have to look at them. For some reason others like looking at them though… Can't think why!

  78. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com
    April 25, 2011 | 8:21 pm

    You are a gorgeous lady.
    xoRobyn

  79. Linda Medrano
    April 25, 2011 | 10:11 pm

    You are gorgeous and plenty stacked. I love all the photos but wonder why it's so hard to get a husband to take a decent shot. I'll send you a recent one that Alex took of me. Really a good picture.

    xoxo

  80. Poppy
    April 25, 2011 | 10:27 pm

    I love that you dime yourself out, but love the picture even more. You don't have to fish for a compliment here, but Wayne is pretty funny too. Thank you for the pimp and the huge contribution!!!

  81. Rob Slaven
    April 25, 2011 | 11:32 pm

    Overthinkage, ahoy. Candid photography is the only way to go. Be yourself and the masses will either love you or hate you… but at least it'll be less effort than grinning all the time.

  82. The Empress
    April 26, 2011 | 3:08 am

    close ups.

    SO THAT”S WHAT I”M DOING WRONG.

  83. Kelley
    April 26, 2011 | 4:06 am

    You crack me up! Every time I say I don't like a picture of me, my husband always gets so annoyed. “But, that's you!”, as if you can't look better or worse in different pictures. I love the picture you chose, but any of them would have been great! Especially the one where you needed a chiropractor.

  84. meleah rebeccah
    April 26, 2011 | 6:26 pm

    I love ALL of your Facebook photos, and I'm happy we are FB 'friends' now too!!

  85. Jill
    April 27, 2011 | 2:42 am

    I love it. And trust me, we all work that hard for a good pic!

  86. Kim Thomas
    April 27, 2011 | 3:31 am

    This is the funniest post I have read on any blog in weeks!!!! LMAO I may have to link back to this post….

  87. SuzRocks
    April 27, 2011 | 5:52 pm

    My husband always tries to get me to keep doing stuff (usually physical activitY) by saying, 'we'll take a picture and put it on facebook and you'll look really cool.'

    Sadly enough, that usually works. Bastard.

  88. Julie from Momspective
    April 28, 2011 | 7:58 pm

    Oh I go out every single Friday night and my friend brings his high tech camera and takes about 200 pics throughout the night and posts them on his page. All of us go through them looking for the perfect profile pics so I feel you. Beautiful!

  89. Aubrey Anne
    August 24, 2011 | 12:15 pm

    Ok, apparently none of the pictures on your blog work for me. :( I can’t see them! Sad!

  90. Marie
    August 29, 2011 | 4:23 am

    The pics don’t work for me either…I’m totally bummed!

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