The fairest blogger in the land!

You know how the parenting books are always saying: Choose your battles?
Well, I have chosen.

I have chosen to battle my son for the stupid hat he has worn all day, every day since last November.

I’m pretty sure he even sleeps with it on, but I can’t be certain because I’m usually sleeping when he is, so it’s basically his word against mine.

Oh, I know, it’s just a hat, right.
But my son is a good looking kid.
If he was ugly, he could wear the hat. Pull it down over his face even.
But he’s not.

And not only does the hat take away from his chances of being more than the weirdo buddy all the girls like to hang out with, but it also gives him the identity of Cat in the Hat.
He actually referred to his siblings as Thing 1 and Thing 2.
He didn’t.
But it’s coming.

So this weekend he wanted new clothes.
I was thrilled.
The kid never asks for anything.
Except his hat.

We went shopping, I bought him tons of new stuff, he got a new haircut, then I said, “This means you don’t wear the hat anymore.”

This is the funny part: he actually obeyed me.
He hasn’t worn it since I issued the decree.

I’ve been telling him that all his friends are going to say, “Wyatt, you’re so good looking without that ugly hat,” to which he replied, “Nobody will say that.”

But I was insistent. People would take notice. People would walk up to him in the halls and be all like, “Dude, you’re rockin’ without that fugly hat.”

Evidently I was wrong.
My son said that his friends have started a petition that will eventually make its way into my hands, in which the fine citizens of his high school are requesting the hat be returned because, in their words, “Dude, I can’t even recognize you without the hat. I almost walked right by you!”

Stupid teenagers. As if you almost walked right by him.

I will not be deterred by this.
I will stand my ground.
This is the battle I have chosen.

Oh sure, I could stand firmer on the issue of incomplete homework and the towels I find all over his bathroom floor.
But homework is inconsequential in the scheme of things.
So what if he doesn’t hand in his science project.
They’ll be others. He’s still got three more years of high school in which to hand in science projects.
Or not.
I don’t really care.
I just want that hat off his head.

Of course  my family has tried bringing up my mild fascination with princess crowns.

I don’t find anything unusual about this.
Princess crowns should be worn more often.

Why should I always have to wait for Halloween to dress up as a fucken fairy princess?



I look so pretty as a princess!
If I knew I wouldn’t trip over the dress and take a few eyes out with the wand, I’d totally wear this costume everywhere.

Not to mention, the crown is very handy when I’m having a bad hair day.

In this picture though, your eyes are probably drawn to my boobs, right.
I don’t blame you.
I’m wearing a really great bra…ahem…Lulu Lemon folks, I could really use plane fair to BlogHer 2011…

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82 Responses to The fairest blogger in the land!
  1. SkippyMom
    April 5, 2011 | 2:10 pm

    giggle – I hope you get your plane fare to Blogher and the kids recognize your son without his hat.

    Have you ever considered just dying his hair in the same strip pattern.

    That would work – and no hat! :)

  2. ms. caboo
    April 5, 2011 | 2:12 pm

    Wearing a crown is so not the same thing as wearing a hat. Geez, don't people get that?!

  3. DCHY
    April 5, 2011 | 2:12 pm

    Stand your ground, even if it turns out to be a pyrrhic battle. ;) I once knew a guy who wore red socks and “rabbit” hat all the time. Every damn day. Nobody would let him live it down since then and he hasn't worn either in decades. DECADES.

  4. Saimi
    April 5, 2011 | 2:21 pm

    I'd trade a cat in the hat hat any day over saggy jeans! I hate that and hated it even more when my once teenage sons donned that fashion!

    Keep the Tiara it's very fitting!

  5. Deborah
    April 5, 2011 | 2:26 pm

    LOL … you are simpy great!

  6. vickilikesfrogs
    April 5, 2011 | 2:27 pm

    No. Nonononono….the crown is COMPLETELY different from the hat. The hat covers him up…it hides him…it's striped. The crown? It glitters! It's sparkly! Not the same thing at all.

  7. Mark
    April 5, 2011 | 2:34 pm

    Oh my, I almost posted a picture of me wearing that same princess dress on my blog today. Now that would have been embarrassing. And how'd you know I was checking out your awesome rack? But not in the way your other male follower were.
    Your Friend, m.

  8. Heather
    April 5, 2011 | 2:35 pm

    I am looking to you for inspiration. I am hoping to get the burnt orange UT sweat shirt off of my 15 year old before the temperature heats up to the 90's.

    (Your son is so cute…I want to see the new haircut sans hat!)

  9. Rebecca
    April 5, 2011 | 2:38 pm

    That fairy costume looks like you could get married in it! Did you?

  10. stephanie
    April 5, 2011 | 2:45 pm

    I wear a tiara religiously. My husband makes fun of me but what does he know- it makes cleaning so much more fun!

    Stand your ground- who cares about homework when there's a cat in the hat on the loose? :)

  11. LL Cool Joe
    April 5, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    I have to admit I was drawn to your boobs, and I'm not even into boobs at all, so that is a bit worrying.

  12. Misfits Vintage
    April 5, 2011 | 2:53 pm

    I wasn't looking at your boobs – I was looking at your arms. I have arm envy.

    Is he on crack, ice or crystal meth? Is he knocking up chicks a la Juno? Is he stealing cars and robbing banks? Is he listening to Justin Beebah? No?

    Your arms are hot. I need to do some triceratops work or some shit – the backs of my arms are all jiggly wiggly. Also your hair is shiny and awesome.


  13. Jeannie
    April 5, 2011 | 2:55 pm

    Hey – you have to look at his head at least twice a day. You only look at report cards – what? 3 times a year? ptth.

    (ps my kids did not do that great in high school – one is running his Dad's paving company, one is an engineer, and one is rocking the Dean's list in 3rd year)

    I vetoed many hats. The engineer unfortunately tends to wear them still but not all the time.

  14. dddiva
    April 5, 2011 | 3:01 pm

    I'm with you on the crown thing- they made bashing people over the head with your scepter some sort of crime or something so how do they expect people to know they are to bow down and worship the ground you walk on any more without it? Plus, sparkly. It's all about the sparkly.

    The hat thing- some fashion statement or something- dumb kids.

    Hope you get the free ride to BlogHer. Hope we all do. I'd wear a tutu and a tiara. Oh, wait, I do that randomly anyways. ;)

  15. Josie
    April 5, 2011 | 3:04 pm

    I want a tiara!!!………..

  16. Brandy@YDK
    April 5, 2011 | 3:05 pm

    hahaha. awesome.

  17. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    April 5, 2011 | 3:10 pm

    All I have to say is be careful what you wish for. Ok, that isn't all I have to say. You see, my oldest wore this chain around his next in HS. It was short and had links that looked like a dog collar. I tried to get him to take it off all during HS. Nope, nothing. Now, it is off. I think it broke. But now…. NOW… he has tattoos and ear plugs. So you may want to reconsider the hat.

  18. Raven
    April 5, 2011 | 3:10 pm

    LMAO I think that's hilarious that no one recognized him without the hat, and the petition thing had me ROFL.

    Personally I love the Princess crowns. They suit you. :D

    I need that bra!

  19. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    April 5, 2011 | 3:18 pm

    I love his hat and would have TOTALLY dated him and his hat in high school. I say you find pride in the fact that he has a signature look. People will remember that hat at his 10 year reunion.

  20. Lizbeth
    April 5, 2011 | 3:23 pm

    Damn, how did you know my eyes went right to your boobs?!? Bwaah!

    You could make a deal with him–he gets the hat if you pick him up every day from school in your princess attire. Sounds fair to me…

  21. Brutalism
    April 5, 2011 | 3:23 pm

    Every woman needs a tiara. And a feather boa. And a pool boy…

  22. Kristina P.
    April 5, 2011 | 3:29 pm

    Maybe you should make *him* wear the tiara.

  23. Sparkling
    April 5, 2011 | 3:30 pm

    any dress that takes up an entire couch is a great dress. and should be worn. often.

  24. Belle
    April 5, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    From the time he was around 10 until he was 18 my grandson wore hats. He's a redhead and hates his hair. I can't believe he finally quit wearing hats. It's about time! I feel your pain!

  25. Colleen
    April 5, 2011 | 3:45 pm

    Love the tiaras. Mom's are queens…you should be wearing one!
    I'm guessing he'll eventually outgrown the hat…I just hope he washes it occasionally. LOL

  26. twelvedaysold
    April 5, 2011 | 4:29 pm

    I actually did start a petition when I was in middle school. It was to make the 10 minute break a 15 minute break. And it totally worked! However I was too much of a pansy and asked my best friend if she would give it to the principal and I would just stand next to her. So she got the credit.

    I still need my own crown to wear around the house. Maybe that would make me actually do chores! Or maybe I would just be the prettiest princess of all the land watching television.

  27. Bridget
    April 5, 2011 | 4:38 pm

    I am so getting a crown to do housework in…

    Good luck with the hat. My son has a baseball cap that he seems to wear all the time. I would be okay if it wasn't neon green and black…it goes with nothing. Nothing!

  28. Snake
    April 5, 2011 | 4:40 pm

    Drawn to your boobs? Umm, yeah, OK, busted . . . (Wow! Was that pun intended, or not?) But I'm a guy and I'm supposed notice those things . . . lol As far as the princess crown/hat, I'm quite sure there's a genetic connection happening here! And if he starts his own blog, that'll nail it! :) BTW, the hat/crown gene was identified in the Human Genome Project as being on the long arm of 17Q . . . Pretty sure you both have it! Hah!

  29. Raquel's World
    April 5, 2011 | 4:43 pm

    Well, I think the hat is cute. I have a step son that lives in a hat, sleeps in it and I think even showers in it. Nonetheless this post was hilarious as usual.

  30. Nicole
    April 5, 2011 | 4:46 pm

    Don't go to Disneyland. They will not let you in if you are over age nine and dressed like a princess. True story! But you CAN wear a tiara. But sometimes a gal just wants a ballgown, right?

  31. Big Fat Gini
    April 5, 2011 | 4:51 pm

    He's like Kenny! Only, without the whole dying a horrible death during every episode…

  32. Vanessa
    April 5, 2011 | 5:02 pm

    Wear the tiara every time you take him out in public with you. But only if it embarrasses the shit outta him!


  33. Madge
    April 5, 2011 | 5:02 pm

    I'm so glad you put up some good pix of yourself, your profile pic is disturbing. You are super pretty. I was beginning to believe you were a mush faced freak. :)
    Do you think you could convince him that wearing a hat will make him go bald?

  34. Yvonne
    April 5, 2011 | 5:07 pm

    I have a tiara I wear when I'm feeling sad. Don't judge me! I really need all help I can get! lol I think forcing the issue with your son will only make him want to do it more. However, those fuckers at the school need to be taught not to mess with da momma! :)

  35. Making It Work Mom
    April 5, 2011 | 5:22 pm

    I think you are going to have to give in to the hat. His friends are right – that hat gives him character, makes him uinque, positive attention. Without the hat he just blends in to all those other faceless blobs of teenagers -he is better than that.

    Where is that petition? I will sign it!!

  36. Jessica
    April 5, 2011 | 5:32 pm

    Hopefully your son doesn't start wearing the princess crown to school.

  37. Wow, that was awkward
    April 5, 2011 | 5:33 pm

    My boys are quite a bit younger than your high school cat in the hat, but my battles (which aren't really battles cuz I let him do it) have been over where he wears red sparkly shoes and dresses. Yes, I said “he.”

  38. FatAngryBlog
    April 5, 2011 | 6:21 pm

    I *love* SkippyMom's suggestion!!

  39. purplume
    April 5, 2011 | 6:44 pm

    I totally see the tiara thing. It's like how wearing fairy wings makes you stand up taller. Wearing a tiara is empowering.
    I think the hat suits your son. It makes him look interesting and fun — he probably gets that from you.

  40. Alice X
    April 5, 2011 | 7:33 pm

    Every girl deserves a tiara, i just wish we could all have a prince charming too.

  41. Coffeypot
    April 5, 2011 | 7:39 pm

    Dude(ette), kids need stuff in their life that makes them individuals, especially in a cattle herd mixing of kids of the same age, size, pimples, etc. If that beanie is all the problem you are having, you are indeed a lucky mother (as in a real mother, not the kind of mother I’m usually called.) Let him have his token of individually.

    And YES, I was looking at your boobs…as always. Even if you post a headshot, I am looking over the bottom (like looking over a fence) to see if I can see your boobs. Oh! And nice butt, too. For a mom!

  42. What I Did Today
    April 5, 2011 | 7:46 pm

    Hahah! You could always accidentally throw it away on purpose. That's what I do when my husband wears anything to the point that it looks disgusting. Guys just can't tell. And teenagers tend to my rather stupid as a group. Talk to them individually and they' probably all admit the hat is less than attractive. Love the crowns. Very regal. I should go rummage around in my cupboards and find mine!

  43. -stephanie-
    April 5, 2011 | 7:51 pm

    Nope, not the boobs, it is the lack of muffin top that I am looking at.

  44. Rita
    April 5, 2011 | 8:31 pm

    The hat wouldn't be the line I'd draw. But that is what makes you as individual as your son–LOL! ;)

  45. Holly Ruggiero
    April 5, 2011 | 8:48 pm

    There is nothing wrong with wearing a tiara. All royal wear them. Did you save the hat? Bronze it for future generations?

  46. Julianna
    April 5, 2011 | 8:55 pm

    Wait for the petition… then we'll counter with negotiating terms…

    We'll see how well the “leaders of tomorrow” handle the “war vetrans” of today.

  47. XLMIC
    April 5, 2011 | 8:56 pm

    You can dress like a princess any time it feels right. Why not tomorrow? It doesn't HAVE to be Halloween. And I agree with wearing the tiara on days he wears the hat… at least to pick him up or drop him off at school… or anywhere his friends are sure to see you :)

  48. Monkey Man
    April 5, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    The more you harass the boy about his hat the more he will want to wear it just as an eff you. Wait it out. Or get one of your own….not the crown variety.

  49. becca
    April 5, 2011 | 9:10 pm

    hugs you laways make me smile with your amazing stories

  50. Misty
    April 5, 2011 | 9:29 pm

    My DD will be 14 on the 10th. If they were to mate, we would have a mix id 'cat-n-hat + female tim burton!
    PS I did NOT look at your 'perky' boobs!

    Hummer Hugs,
    hummingbird204 at comcast dot net

  51. StephanieC
    April 5, 2011 | 9:32 pm

    You can bet your ass I am wearing a princess tiara to my wedding, come hell or high water.

    (Or a delay in customs 'cause those things aren't cheap and mine is coming straight from China! lol)

    Oh yeah, and stand firm with the hat.

    Seriously?… Reeeally??… Seriously?


  52. Gigi
    April 5, 2011 | 9:52 pm

    Okay, dammit! Now I NEED a tiara too! Maybe that will make these people in this house realize that I AM the queen and in charge around here!

  53. Antares Cryptos
    April 5, 2011 | 10:22 pm

    Pick your battles, Abnarc, he might retaliate by wearing your tiaras. The hat makes him blend in…

  54. Portia
    April 5, 2011 | 10:29 pm

    I love high school kids! Really I do! They are a riot!

    Tiaras are an important part of a girls wardrobe! Duh! My granddaughter will get one as soon as she is old enough to not hurt herself on it.

  55. Ginger
    April 5, 2011 | 10:33 pm

    She wears tiaras?! Sigh…They do look good on you princess. Sonny and cap reminds me of my niece and her yellow sweatshirt. We finally got rid of it after a 3yr runnin battle. But I ended up missin it cos honestly i didnt recognise her without it.

  56. caterpillar
    April 5, 2011 | 11:06 pm

    I want one of those tiaras…:)

  57. Rebecca
    April 5, 2011 | 11:20 pm

    I think a Tiara is always acceptable.

  58. Bouncin' Barb
    April 5, 2011 | 11:21 pm

    Sandra…I missed you terribly! You could tell him a little fib about how wearing a hat day in and day out will cause male pattern baldness. Or that it can clog the pores in the scalp and cause oblagoblagopsy (my father's favorite disease of threat). I wear a tiara crown too. I'll have to find a pic or have a new one taken just for you! We sure do rock don't we?

  59. Bouncin' Barb
    April 5, 2011 | 11:21 pm

    Sandra…I missed you terribly! You could tell him a little fib about how wearing a hat day in and day out will cause male pattern baldness. Or that it can clog the pores in the scalp and cause oblagoblagopsy (my father's favorite disease of threat). I wear a tiara crown too. I'll have to find a pic or have a new one taken just for you! We sure do rock don't we?

  60. Sarahf
    April 5, 2011 | 11:39 pm

    I'm hoping the hat got washed while he wasn't wearing it. The good thing about a tiara is that it doesn't smell the way wool does when worn for months on end. And yeah, everyone went straight to the boobs.

  61. " Hit It......."
    April 5, 2011 | 11:49 pm

    I agree with you about the “fugly hat.”

    I like your crown. I was thinking you need a t-shirt with one on it!

  62. FreeFlying
    April 5, 2011 | 11:49 pm

    You're not going to like me, but… I like the hat. I know. But it's a thing. It's fun to have a thing. Like your thing is tiaras and boobs. And mine is saying stupid stuff in public. It's how people recognize us.


  63. myevil3yearold
    April 6, 2011 | 12:31 am

    Well, I wasn't originally looking at your boobs but then I had to scroll back up ad check them out since you said something. It would have been rude of me not to.

  64. Raven
    April 6, 2011 | 12:57 am

    HAHAHAHAHA Love this! Totally laughed out loud. Oh man, even though my kids are only 3 and 1, I have had to choose some battles myself!

    And you rock the princess crown!

    p.s. Your boobs look great. I love lululemon, they make boobs and asses look phenomenal!

  65. LOLA
    April 6, 2011 | 1:31 am

    Easy problem to solve: Send him to a school where they don't allow the kids to wear hats. Kids couldn't wear hats where I taught (ever so briefly) and it was a really awful school. You should be able to find a school, for better or worse, where he can't wear the hat. He can make new friends who will recognize him without the hat and they will all admire his nicely boobed mom.

    Infinities of love,

  66. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    April 6, 2011 | 2:03 am

    You should try to convince him to try a new look. Or pay a hot chick to compliment him without the hat on.

    Or bribe him with cookies to not wear that hat.

    Actually, I think some girls would find the hat cute. It's kind of like Crocs. Some people hate it, some people love it.

  67. Bibliomama
    April 6, 2011 | 2:21 am

    I think the hat thing is cool, but I get that quirky charming things are more quirkily charming when other people's kids display them. And yeah, that bra would totally make my boobs look like that. Totally.

  68. Mamma has spoken
    April 6, 2011 | 2:54 am

    I'm surprise that he's alloud to wear that hat in school.
    Crowns are totally fun to wear, any time anywhere.

  69. DysFUNctional Mom
    April 6, 2011 | 5:39 am

    I love that they've started a petition! I mean I'm with you on the hat, but that petition is freaking awesome.

  70. Lynn
    April 6, 2011 | 8:58 am

    I thought you were going to say it turned into a royal battle over the hat (royal because you are a princess, after all ;) – he sounds like a cool kid.

    I'll have to look up lulu lemon. :)

  71. Nicky
    April 6, 2011 | 9:29 am

    Ah, the hell with the Blogher conference! Come to TBCon instead! It's closer and I'll probably grab your boobs if you go :-)

    And I don't wear hats.

  72. Amy Cappelli
    April 6, 2011 | 10:50 am

    OMG! I was fighting the same battle over here. Over a similar hat. Ok my 14 year old's hat doesn't have stripes- but it freaking smells of oily teen hair. The thing is so ripe- that when I sneak it into the wash, the other clothes jump out of the washer. Since it is getting warmer outside- he hasn't worn it as much. Instead he's decided that now is the time to play with a new hairstyle. He keeps pushing the front part of his curly hair straight up so that it looks like a hedge.

    I love your princess crown. You look very natural wearing it.

  73. Lola
    April 6, 2011 | 11:44 am

    I should have known you would have a fascination with tiaras and crowns. Soul sistas, I tell ya! Do you think we can add crowns to our Crime Fighting Sexy Superhero Costumes? I would request boas as well, but any Sexy Hot Super Hero crime fighter knows that villains can use a boa against her…like to tie her up. I also thought about stilettos but they will just slow down our progress even though our legs would look phenomenal. I guess for now? Tiaras and crowns will work.

  74. Rachel
    April 6, 2011 | 12:05 pm

    Totally different. Crowns denote royalty. Where's Waldo is a serf.


  75. TheUnSoccerMom
    April 6, 2011 | 1:41 pm

    RYC: really?? ;o)

    LOVE the crown. It's WAY prettier than the “where's waldo” hat… :o )

  76. Tipsy -
    April 6, 2011 | 6:00 pm

    hahaha, you stick to your guns about that hat! And hey, wear that tiara any damn time you like, it's fab.

  77. Queen B
    April 6, 2011 | 8:53 pm

    I saw a t-shirt with Waldo on it at the mall this weekend and thought of you :)

    that is actually kinda cool that your kid is petitioning authority. LOL

    tiaras need no explanation or excuse

  78. Linda Medrano
    April 6, 2011 | 10:19 pm

    My grandson, age 18, wears baseball hats every day. They have to be 'just so' too. I've told him it will make him bald, but he ignores me. Those suckers cost about $40 each and he has one for every day of the year I think. I hate them. Your son's hat is way cuter.

  79. Megan
    April 7, 2011 | 12:42 am

    Good luck on the hat battle!

    In the meantime, keep wearing your princess crown :)

    I'm your newest follower, by the way :)

  80. Cake Betch
    April 7, 2011 | 12:51 am

    Bleach. Bleach spills really easily. On clothes sometimes.

    Just sayin. Not saying, just sayin.


  81. MommaKiss
    April 7, 2011 | 1:39 am

    I was not looking at your boobs AT ALL. Nope.

    I have a crown. It's from high school. And it's fabulous. You wear those crowns whenever you want, honey. It's your right.

  82. Shell
    April 7, 2011 | 5:19 am

    He's allowed to wear it in school?

    I'm cracking up at you saying he could pull it down over his face if he was ugly!

    And yes, princess crowns should be worn more often. I used to keep one in the closet of my classroom when I was teaching. When I felt like playing Princess(which was often) I would wear it. My principal walked in to do an observation once while I was wearing it. I kept right on wearing it, though. You don't say anything negative in a review about a princess.

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