So let’s pretend this is my journal

I was so tired today, I could barely get myself out of bed.
I woke up around 7:30ish, and thought, “I’m not getting up.”
And so I didn’t.

Then I woke up around 10:22, and went, “It’s so late! I can’t believe I’ve slept this late. I really need to get out of bed.”
I didn’t.

At 11:22, I rolled over and poked at Wayne, and said, “You should really get up and make sure the kids are alright.”
He didn’t.

Instead we had a nice Saturday morning conversation in which I asked, “I’m talking to you. Why are your eyes still closed?”
He replied, “Because I’m still in bed.”
I said, “But you’re awake and talking to me. Open your eyes.”
He didn’t.

Then I said, “Tell me what you’re thinking about?”
He said, “…hmmmm?”
“What are you thinking about?”
He replied, “What?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Now! Obviously you’re deep in thought. Your fucken eyes are still closed.”
He said, “I’m not thinking. I’m sleeping.”
I tried pushing him out of the bed.
I was unsuccessful.

“Do you ever think about me?” I asked.
“Yes. I’m thinking about you right now,” he replied. “I’m thinking that I have to change the oil in your van.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean, do you ever think about anything really special.”
I stared at him intently, knowing he was going to say something deep and meaningful.
How could he not?
He could even make something up.

He didn’t have to tell the truth.
He could say, “I was thinking how much my life has changed since you’ve been in it.”
He could say, “I am the luckiest man in the world.”
He could say, “I’ve worried about you this week. You’ve been so stressed with school”

What he did say was: “I’m thinking that it’s technically not breakfast time anymore, so I’m going to have lunch instead.”
He finally opened his eyes, raised his eyebrows expectantly, and added, “I was also thinking I might get lucky.”

I got out of bed.

He did not get lucky.

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85 Responses to So let’s pretend this is my journal
  1. Kristina P.
    April 3, 2011 | 4:51 am

    Well, I guess 11:30 Am is still technically after 7:30 PM, somewhere.

  2. Gina
    April 3, 2011 | 5:02 am

    I woke up this morning at 7am only to find that the hour changed and it was really 6am. I wish I had been able to get back to sleep. Now that would really have been getting lucky!

  3. Nicole
    April 3, 2011 | 5:07 am

    Men are constantly telling us they are not deep. Fuckers, they might actually mean it.

  4. Saimi
    April 3, 2011 | 5:25 am

    It's better this way cuz when he does get lucky…He'll appreciate it all the more!

  5. Impulsive Addict
    April 3, 2011 | 5:30 am

    We may be married to the same man.

  6. Yvonne
    April 3, 2011 | 5:34 am

    You should have pushed him off the bed! lol

  7. XLMIC
    April 3, 2011 | 5:42 am

    How you were able to loll about in bed til that late hour with all those kids in the house…he DID get lucky! And so did you! Lol.

  8. Raven
    April 3, 2011 | 6:06 am

    And people wonder why I prefer my toys over real men.

  9. Coffeypot
    April 3, 2011 | 6:15 am

    As you were walking out of the bedroom he was saying,'Christ, woman, I'll say anything you wanna hear…just give me some.' But you missed it. Poor man!

  10. dbs
    April 3, 2011 | 6:39 am

    How did I know it was going to end like this?! *shoulders sag in commiseration with your husband*

  11. Amy
    April 3, 2011 | 6:39 am

    In bed until 11:30am? I'd say you're the one who got lucky!

  12. Rita
    April 3, 2011 | 6:53 am

    Cars, food, and sex? I guess men haven't changed that much since I had one. ROFL! ;)

  13. Misfits Vintage
    April 3, 2011 | 7:07 am

    Holy crap, men are so boring! That's why I prefer frocks! And hot cars!

    I guess we would have heard by now if your kids set the house on fire huh?

    Sarah xxx

  14. Jessica
    April 3, 2011 | 8:10 am

    I would not get up at 7:30 either.

    I hope he made you lunch at least.

  15. jules
    April 3, 2011 | 11:31 am

    We always have to ask our men-folk what they are thinking about. It's like it's part of our DNA. Ha ha. My husband friend and I slept in big time yesterday too and it was divine.

    Hope you have a much better week!

    April 3, 2011 | 11:37 am

    You changed your look! I like it!

  17. ms. caboo
    April 3, 2011 | 11:39 am

    Oh my God, if Bud stayed in bed until 11 AM, it would only be because he was dead. Seriously, this man gets in a foul mood if he's not up and working at least an hour by 8 am.

  18. Portia
    April 3, 2011 | 11:41 am

    Men just don't get our subtle hints. Nor do they read minds while they expect US to read their minds. Double standard. :)

  19. Jeff
    April 3, 2011 | 11:41 am

    I better not stay to long…that bulls eye on my forehead is still there. Sleeping in for me is 6:30am *just sayin* :-)

  20. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    April 3, 2011 | 11:44 am

    Did I ever mention that your writing style is hilarious?


    Well, it is.

  21. The Minute Man's Wife
    April 3, 2011 | 12:24 pm

    Do you ever find yourself wondering if God intentionally made men clueless or if it was a flaw in the blueprint?

  22. Mark
    April 3, 2011 | 12:43 pm

    Since he wanted to sleep, maybe you getting out of bed and leaving him alone was what he meant by “lucky”.
    I'm just saying.
    Your Friend, m.

  23. Sparkling
    April 3, 2011 | 12:44 pm

    Ugh, I must be a man. bEcause the first things I think of when I get up are things like oil in the van. Or getting laundry done so it can go out on the line in time. Or what will I make for lunch. Oh wait, I can't be a man. I never wake up hoping I'll get lucky.

  24. myevil3yearold
    April 3, 2011 | 1:06 pm

    I can't wait for the day my kids are old enough so that I can sleep past 7:30 am!

    If I try it now Evil is in my face lifting my eyelids open saying, “mommy are you in there?”

  25. Snake
    April 3, 2011 | 1:09 pm

    It's 8 am, and I'm getting out of bed, and I'm not getting lucky . . . :) Ciao!

  26. stephanie
    April 3, 2011 | 1:17 pm

    I can't wait for the day I can stay in bed anywhere remotely close to that. This morning it was 6 a.m. on a SUNDAY. No thank you.

  27. Stephanie
    April 3, 2011 | 1:45 pm

    Hahahaha! This cracked me up! Lucky, indeed.

  28. FatAngryBlog
    April 3, 2011 | 1:50 pm


  29. " Hit It......."
    April 3, 2011 | 1:51 pm

    Men just don't get it. My husband would have said the same thing (i.e. about getting lucky). Seems like, it's always about them!

  30. Bridget
    April 3, 2011 | 2:48 pm

    Men are such deep thinkers…twits…

  31. SkippyMom
    April 3, 2011 | 3:06 pm

    What is this sleeping in until lunch that you speak of?

    Eventhough my kids are older – I have lost the ability to sleep in. Ever.

    It sounds sublime.

  32. Bossy Betty
    April 3, 2011 | 3:59 pm

    Your journal is much more exciting than my journal…

  33. bluzdude
    April 3, 2011 | 4:03 pm

    You ladies should know better than to ask your man what we're thinking. Believe me, we're not composing love sonnets. We're usually just appreciating the peace and quiet. Which has just disappeared.

  34. CkretsGalore
    April 3, 2011 | 4:22 pm

    HAHAHAH I can picture my fiancee doing the same thing.

    Oh and I'm envious you can sleep in that late. I'm fucking lucky if I make it to 8am and I'm only 32. I'll be surviving off of narcoleptic moments once I'm in my 70s.

  35. Monkey Man
    April 3, 2011 | 4:43 pm

    Romantic, conversational and subtle, too. You lucky girl. That Wayne is The Man!

  36. Belle
    April 3, 2011 | 5:10 pm

    Bluzdude is right, never ask your man what he is thinking. You will never get a good answer, if you get one at all.

  37. Kat
    April 3, 2011 | 5:10 pm

    You slept in until 11:30?! Wow, I haven't done that since I was in my early twenties and out partying til the wee hours. These days 8:30 is what I call sleeping in. I'd say you both got lucky! Next time you want to know what's on his mind, you may want to promise sexual favours first; he'll talk your ear off. ;)

  38. Lizbeth
    April 3, 2011 | 5:26 pm

    Bwahhh, that was good!

  39. Kimberly
    April 3, 2011 | 5:31 pm

    Yup and this just solidified the stereotype that men think only with their stomach and their testicles.

  40. KittyCat
    April 3, 2011 | 5:59 pm

    One I have to say I cant remember the last time, if ever that I slept past 10.

    On the up side if you get up super early, lets say ohhhh about 6am. Sex is never a problem.

    Catch them early. : )

  41. Ami
    April 3, 2011 | 7:11 pm

    So how was brunch?

    Eric and I woke up at 4 this morning. Had a fascinating conversation (well, only to us) and I laughed like a 10 year old.

    But I am not going to write it up for my blog.

  42. Shell
    April 3, 2011 | 7:32 pm

    Ha! Mine wouldn't have gotten lucky for that, either.

  43. Rebecca
    April 3, 2011 | 7:37 pm

    Sorry this has nothing to do with your post…..wanted to comment to say…While Joey was in the hospital I thought of you. Joey had about 3 nursing students hanging around and his nurse that was actually a nurse. Well the students were great and I thought of you.

  44. tattytiara
    April 3, 2011 | 8:44 pm

    Trust me – doing maintenance on your vehicle says all that and more. It's just more manly to express it that way.

  45. Heather
    April 3, 2011 | 8:45 pm

    Shees. You can just never count on a man to say something meaningful even when you give them the perfect opportunity.

  46. becca
    April 3, 2011 | 8:49 pm

    LOL..the life of a married couple

    April 3, 2011 | 8:51 pm

    Your life is better than fiction.
    Enjoyed reading this dialogue. Probably happens all over America every day.
    Why can't men make us think they are deep thinkers???
    At least he was being truthful.
    I no longer ask my hubby what he is thinking because I usually know.
    Blessings, B

  48. Theres just life
    April 3, 2011 | 9:53 pm

    Okay first I have to wipe the tears of laughter out of my eyes.
    Now… Thank you for this post today, I really needed that laugh. I knew I could count on you.

    Laughingly yours,
    Pamela Jo

  49. Holly Ruggiero
    April 3, 2011 | 10:48 pm

    Oh no! Well, you did get to sleep in a little. Bright side, bright side.

  50. -stephanie-
    April 3, 2011 | 11:02 pm

    Men! My man and I were getting all kissy earlier, and it was the perfect time for him to say something perfect about me. Instead I got….”my wiener's getting hard.” The sad thing was that he really did think that was about me. Men!

  51. Antares Cryptos
    April 4, 2011 | 12:00 am

    He did get to keep sleeping, didn't he?

  52. Mrs. Tuna
    April 4, 2011 | 12:14 am

    I seriously have not stayed in bed past 6 AM in 15 years. But of course I have to go to bed at 8 PM……

    You should throw poor Wayne a bone.

  53. Cake Betch
    April 4, 2011 | 12:50 am

    LOL aww men… always just the one thought on their mind. No one ever accused them of being complicated creates.

    Honey, if you want some heartfelt conversation you better find yourself a good girlfriend or a gay best friend.

  54. gayle
    April 4, 2011 | 1:12 am

    I've been married 41 years so believe me when I say …. for some reason men
    Don't think and for some reason they can't make it up either!!

    You know how we lay in bed at night thinking………..well most of the time they don't do that either.

  55. Nicky
    April 4, 2011 | 1:39 am

    I'm actually quite impressed with how profound your husband is. Seriously. Which should tell you all you need to know about mine.

  56. mintifresh
    April 4, 2011 | 1:46 am

    That's really weird that he didn't get lucky…

  57. Her Speak
    April 4, 2011 | 2:09 am

    AHAHAHaha! I laughed out loud to this. Holy crap–I feel like I'm looking in the mirror.

    Great stuff. :)

  58. Julianna
    April 4, 2011 | 2:39 am

    He'd never make it in this house. On Saturday we've got a full house of kids, so if Almost Hubs isn't awake “enough” by 4am… he isn't getting lucky. :)

    Kids rise here between 530 and 6 am… 1130? Psft! I am sooo jealous.

  59. The Onion
    April 4, 2011 | 3:21 am

    I am still stuck on the fact that people allowed you BOTH to sleep in that late..

    those boys must be building a bomb in the basement or something….

  60. Lola
    April 4, 2011 | 11:36 am

    You know, there's a line in the movie Sling Blade where John Ritter's character says to Karl (Billy Bob Thorton) something about how he always seems to be deep in thought. He then asks Karl what he's thinking about. Karl responds, “I was thinkin' I might take some of these here Fried Pertaters home with me”

    I think we are all married to Karl

  61. Hydrant girl
    April 4, 2011 | 2:16 pm

    So glad you (a fellow 'pegger) found me! Love your blog.

  62. Hydrant girl
    April 4, 2011 | 2:17 pm

    So glad you (a fellow 'pegger) found me! Love your blog.

  63. Hydrant girl
    April 4, 2011 | 2:17 pm

    So glad you (a fellow 'pegger) found me! Love your blog.

  64. Shrinky
    April 4, 2011 | 2:25 pm

    Gee, hydrant girl REALLY loves your blog, doesn't she (giggle)?? I do too! You sound almost as demented as I am..

    As for the “getting lucky” part, isn't that reserved only for Christmas' and birthadays? Maybe it's just me..

  65. twelvedaysold
    April 4, 2011 | 4:07 pm

    Is it hard being married to such a hopeless romantic? In quite the literal sense.

    Unfortunately it's reversed in my marriage. My husband is always asking me what I'm thinking, and I say something like, “I'm watching tv, I'm not thinking anything.”

  66. LegalMist
    April 4, 2011 | 4:44 pm

    Thanks for stopping by my blog & “following.” :)

    It's nice to find your blog, too — I'm having a great time reading through some of your older posts, as well as today's!

  67. meleah rebeccah
    April 4, 2011 | 7:23 pm

    Men are so dumb. He had the perfect opportunity to say something nice and get lucky!

  68. Kato
    April 4, 2011 | 8:48 pm

    Hahaha! Freaking men. My trick is to pose the question so that it is also the answer and all they have to say is yes.

    Example: “Isn't your life perfect now that I am in it?”
    Answer: Yes.

    Example: “What are you thinking about right now? It's me right?”
    Answer: Yes.

    Works, see?

  69. Linda Medrano
    April 4, 2011 | 11:58 pm

    Oh Sandra! Poor Wayne just wanted a little brunch! Nothing wrong with a little brunch Honey!

  70. Ms.Wasteland
    April 5, 2011 | 1:29 am

    HA! Do you think he'll do better the next go round?

  71. Jill
    April 5, 2011 | 3:33 am

    Oh how I'm looking forward to the day when I can sleep in! Embrace these moments Love. You've come a long way

  72. Hilary
    April 5, 2011 | 3:55 am

    Hilarious. Men.. geesh!

  73. The Absence of Alternatives
    April 5, 2011 | 4:55 am

    I hope you don't mind me saying this: But I love coming here and reading these posts of yours and thinking, THANK GOODNESS we are not the only couple like that. I guess now I do not have to kill him after all…


  74. Dumb Mom
    April 5, 2011 | 11:29 am

    Dumb Dad can not be spoken to while his eyes are closed. He forgets everything said because he can't hear it because he's too busy snoring! If the mans eyes are closed, even if he seated in a baseball stadium or standing in the mall outside of a changing room, he is ASLEEP. All the way. No questions asked. At least yours responded!

  75. Rebecca
    April 5, 2011 | 2:44 pm

    Poor Wayne never seems to get lucky!

  76. Megan (Best of Fates)
    April 5, 2011 | 3:03 pm

    Hey, that late morning waking up lunch is pretty exciting.

    I mean, almost worth getting lucky, right?

  77. Colleen
    April 5, 2011 | 3:49 pm

    In my opninion blantant honesty must mean he adores you. :)

  78. Jenny Brown
    April 5, 2011 | 5:52 pm

    Typical Man! They're freakin' Idiots – I tell you!

  79. Cricket
    April 6, 2011 | 10:29 am

    A vey funny story. I get it, though I can't quite relate.

    If I were still in bed at 11:30, my wife would be shaking me violently and holding a mirror under my nose.

    The last time the pair of us were still both in bed at that time we had the flu.

    No, it's 5:30 for me, every day. Sometimes 5. And morning is never a “lucky” time of day. Some things you just have to accept.

    Congratulations on your potw.

  80. Cricket
    April 6, 2011 | 10:30 am

    p.s. Love the label.

  81. Susan in the Boonies
    April 6, 2011 | 5:33 pm

    OK, that really was funny.

    I am honored to share a post of the week with you for “A Good Laugh”, because yours truly was one.

    And once again, I'll just add:
    “I'm not worthy” to be in such esteemed company.

  82. Queen B
    April 6, 2011 | 8:51 pm

    LOVE all the 22 references :)

    yeah, men don't have deep thoughts…. or at least when you want them to/think they should. ugh

    in his defense, when I'm still in bed post-10:30am, I'm thinking about what I'm gonna eat, too.

  83. Midlife Jobhunter
    April 7, 2011 | 3:38 am

    Hahahahahaha! I can so appreciate this.

  84. Snappy Di
    April 7, 2011 | 1:16 pm

    HA! As women I think we have all had similar morning conversations…


  85. The Empress
    April 10, 2011 | 4:28 pm

    Not boring…snippets of life, which is my fave kind of post.

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