Ladies do NOT fart!

Remember the post in which my son excitedly announced that his poo was in the shape of a grenade (interestingly the post is also entitled: “whore whore whore whore” give or take a few whores, and was the MOST read post I’ve ever written! I know right! Who knew the word “whore” would be such a draw? Not me. No way. No sirree. I would never title a post just to direct traffic my way. Really, I wouldn’t.)

Anyway, in said post, I was also a little miffed because the grenade poo apparently exploded into the toilet, leaving my son’s cute little ass all wet.

Oh sure, you’re thinking: “Big deal. So you had to clean the kid up.”
Actually no. I didn’t clean the kid up. That’s what my adoring husband is for.

No. The reason I was miffed is that I am basically jealous of anyone who poos.
Yup. You read that correctly.

That’s because I don’t poo.
Yup. You also read that correctly.

Oh, sure maybe I poo bi-monthly.
But it’s nothing to brag about. It’s never a great big satisfying dump like the ones my husband comes out of the can bragging about twice or three times a day.

So last Thursday, my friend hands me a jar of herbal supplements.
“Take two of these every day,” she says, “I guarantee you’ll shit regularly.”
She then proceeds to explain that her sister has the same constipation issues that I have, and by taking these regularly, she comes out of the bathroom singing.

I immediately have a vision of how happy and carefree my husband is when he comes out of the bathroom, and yeah, I’m pretty sure he sometimes comes out of there singing.
So I’m like, “I want to sing too!”

Ok, fast forward 3 days later, I’m following my friend’s orders.
Still not pooing though.

However, my bowels are making the scariest noises you’ve ever heard.
The sound is a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a military Herc.

T-Rex

image from here

Herc

image from here

The sound is so loud, my entire family can hear it.
They can hear it over the sound of their laughter.
They can hear it over the sound of the hockey game my husband is watching.
They can even hear it over the sound of my husband yelling at the TV, “Shoot the puck! Shoot the puck!”

You’d think with all the waring factions in my gut, that I’d at least get a good old fart out of the deal.
At this point, I don’t even care if I never shit again. I just want the bowel noises to subside.

So I’m laying with my youngest at bedtime, and the dinosaurs are roaring in my gut.
The boy lifts my shirt and watches my abdomen…you know, in case a creature actually crawls out of me.
He then says, “If you want Mom, I can teach you how to fart. I know you can only make the smelly kind. But I can teach you how to make the loud ones.”

Ok, so clearly, this kid’s future girlfriend is going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Update:
The supplements were effective six days later.
The sounds erupting from the bowels of the earth, ie. the author’s stomach, have thankfully subsided.
The author is still only capable of making stinky farts and has yet to make a big ol’ noisy one, despite specific instructions on how to do so from the seven year old.

Did you like this? Share it:
103 Responses to Ladies do NOT fart!
  1. Mark
    April 20, 2011 | 8:21 pm

    Great Post! Although I think you're full of shit. Literally!
    Your Friend, m.

  2. Kara Hoag
    April 20, 2011 | 8:23 pm

    I have to say, Sandra, that I NEVER have that problem. For the sake of your kid's poo we'll just call my butt a grenade launcher.

    And I do feel like bursting into song afterwards. I keep a top hat and a cane right outside the bathroom for the extremely joyous occasions/poos.

    visions unto myself

  3. Just Sayin...
    April 20, 2011 | 8:23 pm

    SHOOT THE PUCK!!! – I really hope you were cheering for the Canucks! ;-)

    Pooping bi-monthly? Is that even healthy?

    TMI- I poop several times a day, every day. I couldn't imagine how bunged up you must feel. :(

    And you're right, women do not fart…we have bum burps. ;-)

    Hope your stomach is nicer to you very soon.

  4. Shannon
    April 20, 2011 | 8:24 pm

    a vitalicious vitatop a day and my poos are regular and my butt sounds like monsters.

    god, i'm sexy.

    good luck with the poo and the loud farts!

  5. laughingmom
    April 20, 2011 | 8:25 pm

    Oh I'm sorry for you not to be able to admire your poo! My sister and I will often call each other to brag about an especially nice one…now that we are older – it's BRAN, baby, BRAN!

  6. Katie Potter
    April 20, 2011 | 8:28 pm

    lol Oh I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I can only poo in certain places. Meaning if we go on vacation, whether its 2 days or 3 weeks, I. WILL. NOT. POO. Anxiety, perhaps?

  7. Annabelle
    April 20, 2011 | 8:30 pm

    See….THIS is why I gave you an award.
    OK, not really THIS, per se, but you know what I mean.

    Seriously though, I do hope you reveived the email about the award I gave you. I hope you come pick it up and pass it along to others.

    Your brand of frank, on their level communication is inspirational.

    You Are An INSPIRATION Award is here:
    http://www.dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com

  8. Ashley Sisk
    April 20, 2011 | 8:31 pm

    Can I ask what supplement you are taking? I want to sing too! My husband is so regular and I'm envious.

  9. Kristina P.
    April 20, 2011 | 8:33 pm

    My coworker brings in giant containers of Fiber Therapy to work, and then wonders why we mock him so much.

    He also loves Mickey Rourke, so enough said.

  10. Stacie's Madness
    April 20, 2011 | 8:41 pm

    ha. sounds like me when I'm on my fiber one bars…which are soooo extremely yummy, but sooo dangerous if consumed more than once a day… *blush*

  11. XLMIC
    April 20, 2011 | 8:42 pm

    Lack-of-poop issues stink! Hahhahhahahaha
    I have that very issue very often, too. I am convinced that if everyone were able to take museum-quality shits every day (like both of our husbands) that the whole world would be a happier, less aggressive place :)
    Come to think of it, my farts tend toward the heinously smelly and not the comically loud as well. There must be a connection…
    What were the herbs that worked? I need them.

  12. Monkey Man
    April 20, 2011 | 8:44 pm

    Well, this is all certainly more than I wanted to know. Try mixing in a vegetable or two.

  13. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    April 20, 2011 | 8:50 pm

    You need a reality show. Seriously. Hilarity!

  14. Mandy_Fish
    April 20, 2011 | 9:06 pm

    Ever have your thyroid levels tested? I blame everything on the thyroid. I can't help with the noisy fart thing though. Sorry.

  15. Lost.in.Idaho
    April 20, 2011 | 9:08 pm

    Grow a penis. The loud, trumpet-farts will come with ease.

  16. Ruth
    April 20, 2011 | 9:22 pm

    I have that problem too. I use the super colon cleanse every once in a while.

  17. ChiTown Girl
    April 20, 2011 | 9:39 pm

    I start every morning with coffee and a fiber bar, and I don't have these problems. Just sayin'… ;-)

  18. twelvedaysold
    April 20, 2011 | 9:43 pm

    What's the name of the pills you took?

  19. Portia
    April 20, 2011 | 9:49 pm

    You know, gluten problems can result in the lack of poo problems. Just saying. :)

    Hope you feel better soon!

  20. Lightning Bug's Butt
    April 20, 2011 | 9:52 pm

    What's a bowel status update among bloggers?

    Try the #14 from Filiberto's. It'll blast you clean.

  21. My name WAS Female, I shit you not!
    April 20, 2011 | 9:55 pm

    Old ladies DO!;0) I shit you not!

  22. Silliyak
    April 20, 2011 | 9:58 pm

    I was always told women don't fart, DOGS near women fart a lot, but not women.

  23. Gigi
    April 20, 2011 | 10:20 pm

    I have this issue myself (and as for whoever said they can only “go” in certain places – yup that would be me too!) and can totally relate. The men in this house – they don't suffer from this malady at all! Am beginning to think it's a female problem.

  24. suz
    April 20, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    Drink more water and wait ten years. You'll make all sorts of poo. And noise!

  25. Linda Medrano
    April 20, 2011 | 10:27 pm

    Uh, Sandra. You left me speechless for once in my life.

  26. Big a
    April 20, 2011 | 10:48 pm

    eat more greens :)

    i'm a rabbit.

    a rabbit who's regular.

    if you don't let it out, your body will be angry …

  27. -stephanie-
    April 20, 2011 | 10:56 pm

    Call my sister…she is the human laxative.

    There is a tea called Smooth Move. It works.

  28. Shabbygal
    April 20, 2011 | 11:10 pm

    WOW glad I don”t have that problem! My kids I can fart louder or burp louder then any guy! Not really proud of it just a fact! Traci

  29. Julianna
    April 20, 2011 | 11:11 pm

    As regular as rain since I gave up the Gluten.

    FYI I can fart stinky AND loud… how's that for sexy?

  30. Sparkling
    April 20, 2011 | 11:22 pm

    This is all very intriguing. First, i am very concerned that you might go only twice a month. That is surely not ok.

    Second, I go ONCE per day, every day, and usually at the same time. And I get nervous if I don't.

    Third, I am surprised to see here that many people say they do it more than once per day. K-ster says he goes 2-3 times per day and I think that's abnormal. But you all are making me question my thinking.

    There is nothing cleaner than the way you feel after taking a big dump, I am certain. Sometimes I swear I got cleaned out all the way to my solar plexus!

    The one thing I hate: when I'm eating my oatmeal, and I have go right then and can't wait. Then I have to come back and finish my oatmeal. And the last thing I ever want to do after unloading is eat right away.

    I cannot believe I've sunk to this level!! You all better get over to my blog and leave some comments ASAP.

  31. Mrs. Tuna
    April 20, 2011 | 11:34 pm

    My most viewed post…..New adventures of a naughty school girl. Primarily the traffic is from Russia, I'm scared hold me.

    You little hussy you.

  32. Coffeypot
    April 20, 2011 | 11:35 pm

    From the look of your sexy body, I say you don't eat enough to make any shit. Try a hamburger with fries, 5 cups of coffee and smoke a cigarette. Then run a belt under your toilet seat and strap it around your legs so that when it does explode you launch and hit your head on the ceiling.

  33. Rita
    April 20, 2011 | 11:38 pm

    LOL@Mark!
    I used to be terribly constipated when I was a kid and would never go anyplace but at home, either. Be careful what you wish for. Here I am now at 60 with arthritis, fibro and IBS–ROFL!!

  34. Dazee Dreamer
    April 20, 2011 | 11:43 pm

    oh my god. I can hardly wait until you learn to fart loud. aanndd…. we want video. Yup, we do. Because if whore got tons of hits, I'm pretty sure that “my big loud fart” will bring in tons. just sayin.

  35. Bridget
    April 20, 2011 | 11:45 pm

    Bahahaha! This is not a problem I can claim to have, and I guess I should consider myself lucky ;)

    My husband and son both said the other day that they never smell my farts, so I must never do it. I'm not about to destroy their illusions…

  36. Amber
    April 20, 2011 | 11:47 pm

    Love the matter of fact comment from your son, you're clearly doing EVERYTHING wrong in the farting world!

    I have to agree with almost everything Sparkling said. I get anxiety and feel super bloated if I don't go my one time a day at my specified time – and for people who go MORE than once a day??? Well…that's just weird.

    And don't even get me started on individuals pooping at work.

    Glad to hear the pills worked….sort of???

  37. LOLA
    April 21, 2011 | 12:08 am

    All right people, listen up: Normal pooping can be once every few days or several times/day. Twice a month? Something MIGHT be wrong, but I will not try to diagnose it here.

    Love,
    Lola

  38. Cathy Webster (Olliffe)
    April 21, 2011 | 12:13 am

    You're hilarious!

  39. EmptyNester
    April 21, 2011 | 12:17 am

    Your family is terrific! I love this! Just the laugh I needed!

  40. Misfits Vintage
    April 21, 2011 | 12:17 am

    Dude, what are you EATING? Do you drink any WATER? Will I end the next sentence with a word that is CAPITALISED??

    I'm sorry you don't shit regularly – it really is one of the seven wonders of the world to take regular, easy, healthy poops. I am familiar with both the pooping and the not pooping.

    May the shit be with you. (And also with you.)

    Sarah xxx

  41. myevil3yearold
    April 21, 2011 | 12:29 am

    I poo several times a day. Jealous?

    I hope so because I am jealous of your rocking bikini bod.

  42. Bouncin' Barb
    April 21, 2011 | 12:56 am

    I suffer from the opposite. IBS. So I complain about going all the time but once in awhile I can't and it's an awful feeling. I hope that using those regularly help. Because being constipated is really shitty! You knew that was coming didn't you? Hahaha. Love you, love you!

  43. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    April 21, 2011 | 12:57 am

    O.O

    hilarious,this might just top your whore post hehe

  44. A Beer for the Shower
    April 21, 2011 | 1:04 am

    I just like ignoring it until sepsis takes over. Doctors can remove it by way of your intestines. Much more glamorous than using a toilet, I find.

  45. Christina - Rant Rave Roll
    April 21, 2011 | 1:09 am

    Clearly you are brewing up the next weapon of mass destruction in there.

  46. jules
    April 21, 2011 | 1:26 am

    Campbells Bean with Bacon soup. Seriously. Just add shredded cheddar. Honestly, it's delicious and makes me go in a matter of hours!

  47. Stef
    April 21, 2011 | 1:39 am

    Ouch! I can only imagine how uncomfortable, bot the poops and sounds would feel. And what a giver of a son you have. Revealing farting secrets.

  48. Ami
    April 21, 2011 | 1:49 am

    Thank you so much for sharing. I had to look at my surroundings to make sure I wasn't still at work, surrounded by grade-schoolers and their fart jokes!

    ;)

  49. Crystal
    April 21, 2011 | 2:17 am

    lol!! That's so funny. I don't shit either…must be from having kids. My list of grievances against those little farts (no pun intended) is growing longer and longer!!! Glad things are working for you, however!

  50. ManOverBoard.com
    April 21, 2011 | 3:49 am

    Oh Gawd, the first post I have had the pleasure to read here at AN and it's all completely about poop, well the first part was about whores also. Have a feeling I am gonna like this little slice of heaven, or should I said poop? :-)

  51. OttosMom
    April 21, 2011 | 3:52 am

    So what's this magic herb blend? Dish!

  52. Lazarus
    April 21, 2011 | 3:53 am

    Sandra, let no one ever accuse you of being inhibited! Another very funny post, thanks!

  53. Josie
    April 21, 2011 | 3:58 am

    I know exactly how you feel!!! And then when you finally go it tears.your.ass.UP! Except I've never had a problem with farting. It's always loud and stinky. The weird thing??? I was ALMOST regular while I was pregnant.

  54. Jenner
    April 21, 2011 | 4:14 am

    You poor thing! I crave my poop-time every day, when I can lock the bathroom door and not have a 2 year old or any dogs or cats in my face! I sometimes stay a very long time, just to catch up on reading.

  55. tattytiara
    April 21, 2011 | 4:22 am

    Yeah, if a seven year old can't coach you to success I'm afraid the potential must just not be there. They are, after all, the undisputed masters of the fart.

    Raw pumpkin keeps the pipes clear for my dog, fyi.

  56. Yvonne
    April 21, 2011 | 4:36 am

    I look forward to reading your blog every day -or whenever you decide to post! ;) This one was hilarious!Now, whenever I hear my Candian friends yell, “Shoot the puck!” I'll fondly envision you sitting on the toilet, trying to poop! THANKS! ;)

  57. Impulsive Addict
    April 21, 2011 | 5:48 am

    You poor popper you. I used to only poo once every week. How is that healthy?

    LBB was on to something when he suggested a jar for this type of farting stuff! You could be totally rich in NO TIME with just the boys alone!

  58. DysFUNctional Mom
    April 21, 2011 | 6:01 am

    This makes me feel so bad for you. There's nothing quite like a good, big, satisfying poop.
    Eat your fiber, woman!

  59. Kelley
    April 21, 2011 | 6:18 am

    I'm really laughing out loud that you admit all that you do on here. You are awesome! I was cracking up about your son saying you make the smelly kind and not the loud ones. Haaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

    Ummmmm…about that bed….

  60. Date Girl
    April 21, 2011 | 6:35 am

    bahhaahahahahah omg best post ever. I'm so sorry about those poor bowels. Have you tried walking daily after meals? I've always had trouble with my tummy. I hate those stomach bubbles that never go anywhere. Usually they're extremely painful!

  61. Peevie Juice
    April 21, 2011 | 9:53 am

    Mark sums it up nicely.
    Comment of the day.
    Full of shit indeed.

    You should come by my relatives' house sometime. The farts they release will put a pig to shame.

  62. becca
    April 21, 2011 | 10:09 am

    seriously awesome post i love that we can talk about anything. plus love that your son is willing to give fart instruction my kind of kid.

  63. Deborah
    April 21, 2011 | 10:47 am

    Holy hannah! This made me laugh explosively.

    Oh! Was that a bad choice of words?

    ;)

  64. Sarahf
    April 21, 2011 | 10:49 am

    I had to teach a class while needing to fart for an hour yesterday. The definition of uncomfortable. Just wanted to share.

  65. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    April 21, 2011 | 10:49 am

    hilarious!!!

    Your seven year old son will be very popular with the ladies when he grows up. ;)

  66. TKW
    April 21, 2011 | 1:10 pm

    Your kid's remark kills me! Can he come teach me?

    You know that farting is the cry of an entrapped turd, don't you?

  67. Madge
    April 21, 2011 | 1:20 pm

    A strong cup of yesterdays coffee, or Starbux = regular. Before that I was an every other week-er too.
    Smooth Move works too, but only if you want to spend the whole day on the throne, princes.

  68. Suniverse
    April 21, 2011 | 1:31 pm

    I HATE those grumbly noises. I get them all the time and want to let people know I'm not actually farting, it's INSIDE gas. [Like inside voice?]

    I poop ALL THE TIME, so I can't imagine how you deal with your bi-monthly.

    And with that TMI . . .

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and YAY for being new friends!

  69. Melissa
    April 21, 2011 | 2:21 pm

    Well once upon a time I was in your same exact position, I never pooped. I thought it was normal, just how my body worked. Then I had a hysterectomy and it turned out I had so much scar tissue that it had twisted and binded my bowels to my uterus…fun huh? So I started to poop on a semi regular basis, every couple of days. BUT THEN…then I had to have my gal bladder removed 2 years ago, now…now I poop if I even look at food. Eating in public requires that it be the last thing we do before going home. I will not use public restrooms, and I'm guaranteed to poop within 15-20 after eating anything.

  70. DCHY
    April 21, 2011 | 2:25 pm

    Aw crap. I'm scared shitless now. ;)

  71. Symdaddy
    April 21, 2011 | 2:34 pm

    Bi-monthly dumps?

    Good God woman! They must have been ass-splitting monsters, parting your ass-cheeks wider than Moses parted the Red Sea (Brown Sea perhaps?).

    A splash from one of those could get your neighbour's as wet too!

  72. C
    April 21, 2011 | 2:36 pm

    firstly, thank you for following me! i LERVE new followers…
    secondly, do you actually really read all one thousand of your comments? wow, you da woman…

    and finally, i love your blog, you talk like i think, theres nuttin like a good ole poopin session… i like to read or play a game on my phone when i go.. if my puter could walk, i'd prolly have that in there too. jus sayin…

    i'm glad you stopped by, i'm glad i stopped by, back… i think we will be good bloggin buds…

  73. Lola
    April 21, 2011 | 3:10 pm

    Between posting about being a Blog Whore and your poo issues, I just don't know where you go from here. Have you covered anything in the Vajay category? I'm pretty sure you have. Perhaps you can mix and match and come up with a blog about Whore poo? It'll be fun to see what's next.

  74. MommaKiss
    April 21, 2011 | 3:36 pm

    You've got to be kidding.  A post with the word whore in it – multiple times – got a zillion hits? NO WAY.This farting thing, I don't understand it. I mean, who does that? (currently removing singed nose hairs as a result of a silent but deadly colon blow).

  75. Boobies
    April 21, 2011 | 3:58 pm

    Bwhahahhahaa!

    I have the same issue you do…If it doesn't kill us, I'm gonna embrace it.

    Love that your son wanted to teach you to far…lmao!

  76. Cake Betch
    April 21, 2011 | 4:00 pm

    OMG I NEVER POOP EITHER!! I can go like two weeks without pooping!! My boyfriend poops like three or four times a day and I get SO JEALOUS. I've tried everything. Nothing works. I drink shitloads of water. Doesn't help. WTF?? Why can't we poop??

  77. Brandy Rose
    April 21, 2011 | 4:05 pm

    I'm very comfortable with my pooing abilities.

    And now I wanna try titles like Penis, penis, penis. And don't worry, you'll get full credit…

  78. Tammy
    April 21, 2011 | 4:09 pm

    lol!

  79. BeckEye
    April 21, 2011 | 4:33 pm

    You should try eating more Colon Blow.

    But now that I think of it, that may actually be a fake product I saw on SNL.

  80. Queen B
    April 21, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    LMAO @ the update :) Congrats! (?)

  81. meleah rebeccah
    April 21, 2011 | 5:37 pm

    Sandra, you make me laugh sofa king much. I know those intestinal bowel sounds, and I know them VERY well. And you described them perfectly!

    I'm glad to read the update – and hopefully, you WILL drop a healthy deuce SOON!

  82. Tracy
    April 21, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    Well, that was eye opening! and hysterically funny!

  83. gopopgo
    April 21, 2011 | 7:24 pm

    6 days?! So your T-Rex bowels were growling for 6 more days?!

  84. 00dozo
    April 21, 2011 | 9:22 pm

    “Ladies do not fart”

    HA!. Another whoring title (and just when you thought you couldn't get any more comments).
    ;-)

    Deary, you're getting to “that age” when your state of mind (i.e. 30 something) does not want to co-operate with your body's actual age (i.e. 40 something). Been there, done that, spent four fucking days in the hospital without a diagnosis for it and lost ten more pounds than I would have liked (still trying to get those back, by the way – the pounds, not necessarily the days). Oh, right. They didn't feed me anything that was palitable. Go figure.

    My suggestion: Bran. Raw, if need be. It works wonders. Wanna compare “SBDs”?

    Heh, heh.

  85. Toriz
    April 21, 2011 | 11:13 pm

    As a point of interest; Usually things like this are diet related. Different people need different types of diets to… Erm… Perform bodily functions in a normal way (OK, so I'm not as comfortable with this topic as you). Don't know if that helps, but maybe looking in to foods that make you go more (like high fibre foods) may be an idea for you. Just a thought.

  86. Jiu Jitsu Los Angeles
    April 21, 2011 | 11:31 pm

    You need to tell me what those supplements are. My boyfriend comes into town once a month and all he wants to eat is Mexican food. Needless to say, I haven't been the same since.

  87. bluzdude
    April 22, 2011 | 12:37 am

    You know you've done a good job when afterwards, your pants fit better.

  88. Jo-Anne Rambling
    April 22, 2011 | 1:07 am

    Now I know I read this yesterday so why on earth did I not leave a comment…………mmmmm let me think why or why no comment…..Oh I know I had to go and pick my daugher up and I just shut the computer and didn't have time to comment that's it…………….or did you hate my comment and hit delete oh Ihope that wasn't the case that would be so upsettig.

    Ok so what to say about you not pooing………let me think I know you are odd no that is rude you're not odd just different.

    I have recently tried some yogurt that helps digestion, not again it made me do the stinkest farts ever…….so bad that people had to leave the house and yes the locked me in with the smell…….so not funny.

    My daughter told me if I wanted to fart while in the car with her I had to give her warning and she would stop the car and I could get out walk away and do it wait a minute then return to the car lie I was going to do that she just had to put up with the smell……..lol

  89. colenic
    April 22, 2011 | 2:47 am

    I am glad that the pills worked. I am glad that I don't have a similar problem. you are an amazingly honest person and I think your a brave woman for sharing what you do…

  90. Mrs4444
    April 22, 2011 | 3:56 am

    Fiber One bars do it for us over here. Also, this is more TMI than I've EVER shared on my own blog, but I find that my farts are loudest when my ass is at its biggest; you could try gaining weight.HAHAHAA

  91. Renegades
    April 22, 2011 | 7:28 am

    After reading this I'm so glad I don't suffer from the same problem. :)

  92. granny1947
    April 22, 2011 | 9:41 am

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. Too much information.
    Twice a month? The mind boggles.
    Very funny…love the comments too.

  93. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    April 22, 2011 | 5:08 pm

    Hahaha loooooooove how candid you are! I have the same issue too. :) My tips? Dried apricots, prunes, beans, and Kefir (like liquid yogurt). The result–regular poo and STINKIER farts, haha!

  94. Erin
    April 22, 2011 | 10:00 pm

    I was almost crying with laughter when reading this post! Thank you SO much for that! :)

  95. Joanne
    April 23, 2011 | 6:43 pm

    Bi-monthly? Geeze I'm hold my stomach just thinking about the pain! What are those vitamins anyway? they sound like a life saver. Blessings, Joanne

  96. Ginger
    April 24, 2011 | 11:01 pm

    You take a poo twice a month? I dont want to be in your home when it comes down the chute.poor guys!!!
    I use to have shy poo. It would take about 3 visits to make an appearance..but we are good now :)

  97. Mommy Lisa
    April 27, 2011 | 9:09 pm

    Stinky one's are just as good as loud ones. My father always tells this joke. “Why do farts smell?” Uh, why dad? “So the deaf can enjoy them too.” ;P

  98. The Adorkable Ditz
    April 28, 2011 | 10:08 pm

    Sounds like you need more fiber and water and some probiotics.

    I used to get that bad but things have gotten better for me in that sense.

  99. ♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥
    May 7, 2011 | 10:18 pm

    I, too, only poo like, maybe bi-monthly. Not that I need to. Not that I'm constipated. I just don't have the need. I doubt that's healthy, but it's probably a good thing because I can't take a shit in public. I think I may have accidentally typed that. Or did I mean it? Anyway, discussion of poo isn't really comfortable for me anyway. How did I get here anyway?

    *Awkward silence*

    http://perpetuallyashley.blogspot.com/

  100. BusyWorkingMama
    May 8, 2011 | 11:24 pm

    OK, how do you not poo? Should I be concerned that I am regular and hit the potty once a day, usually around 830am, every single day without fail? I'm half tempted to post as anonymous for the shame of it all. Then again, I'm proud of my regularity!! Kinda.

  101. [...] (got that?). Her blog takes a humorous look at her life and her passions. With blog posts such as: Ladies Do NOT Fart! and Don’t Hate Me Because I Think Mean Things, how can you possibly go [...]

  102. Jesse Mendes
    September 18, 2011 | 3:18 pm

    Honey, listen. I have now become your biggest fan. Not only can you write, but your sense of humor kicks ass. Thanks for putting it out there and telling it like it is! It’s so godamned refreshing. Thanks to Dan Perez for introducing me to you.

    On a much more serious note:

    Coming from someone who has had a lifetime of challenges in this area, let me say this: if you don’t get yourself shitting regularly, you are going to face hell when you get older. Here’s the deal:

    The colon is a reflex organ. What that means is, it’s similar to the feet (as with reflexology). It has reflex points distributed through the large intestine which are intimately connected to other parts of the body. What this means is, problems with the colon will have profound effects on the entire physiological system later in life.

    Am I scaring you silly yet? I hope so.

    But you’ve got options. I’m not selling anything, here — just look at my Twitter page and BIO, I am not a healthcare practitioner or a two-bit sales girl. I’m a woman who’s had problems here who just happens to know a shitload about the colon. I’ve researched it. I had to.

    First bit of advice: consider giving up dairy, and gluten. Try it for 3 weeks and see how things change. If they don’t, then you know that’s not your problem.

    If that doesn’t work, consider a product called FibreBlend, put out by AIM. It’s the best fibre product on the market, put out by a company that actually educates consumers. Just Google “AIM Herbal FibreBlend” and it will come up.

    If THAT doesn’t work, then I would *seriously* consider colon therapy. Colonics. Yep. That’s where they stick a tube up your butt and flush you out. The good news is the tube should be clear, and a mirror will allow you to see for yourself everything that’s leaving.

    Doesn’t that sound like fun? I’d love to see you go for one and then blog about it, but then that’s almost too good a fantasy to indulge.

    I hope you get your problem sorted out.

    Jesse

  103. Laurita
    September 19, 2011 | 12:47 am

    **SIGH** THANK YOU for writing about bowel movements at last from a REAL WOMAN’S perspective! I appreciate that. You must tell me the name of that supplement. ;)

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL ../../2011/04/ladies-do-not-fart.html/trackback