Ok, before I get into an explanation of the title of this post, I’d like to start off by supporting one of my best bloggy friends, Poppy from Funny or Snot…
Ok, she may not think of ME as her bloggy best friend since she’s choosing to do the Susan G. Klomen 3-Day Race for the Cure with another one of our bloggy ladies Mommakiss, rather than
getting shit-faced with me meeting me at the BlogHer conference this summer.
But I’m not going to get all adolescent on her ass and do the “you like her better than me” post.
Instead, I’m going to ask you to support this worthy cause and click over here to donate a little somethin’ somethin’ so together with Poppy we can help fight this disease.
So back to the title of this post…
Despite the bikini shots and the photos of me all smiley and flirty-flirty, making love to the digital camera, I am not a lovey-dovey person.
In other words, I’m not good with intimacy.
I don’t like holding hands.
I’m really uncomfortable with compliments…oh, don’t look so shocked!
I especially don’t like having my face touched or my hair tousled affectionately.
Touch my hair, I’ll cut you…ok, I won’t, but that sounds so hardcore, right?
The point is, I’m super uncomfortable with touchy-feely, emotions, love and shit…
The other day while Wayne and I were driving, I said, “Don’t you think of yoga as a female thing?”
He said, “No.”
I said, “Well, I do. I don’t know how the men manage to get through a practice with all those women bending over in front of them. How are men supposed to hold a pose when there’s a big hard-on throwing off their center of gravity.”
“You think men are in there checking out your ass?” Wayne replied. ”They are NOT. They’re busy doing yoga.”
“Oh I KNOW they’re checking out my ass,” I replied. ”I catch them looking at me in the mirror and they have this “I’d like to tap that ass” look in their eyes.”
….yes, I know I say ‘tap that ass’ a lot. I like how it sounds. And it unnerves my husband.
Wayne said, “Nobody is checking you out. Nobody is wanting to tap your ass.”
“So you’re telling me, that if some lady with a great butt was bending over in front of you, and was contorted in such a way that left nothing to the imagination, you wouldn’t be thinking of tapping her ass?”
Lady with a great butt bending over and contorted in such a way that leaves nothing to the imagination
image from here
“No. I wouldn’t.”
So I asked, “Do you ever look at other women and think about tapping their ass?”
He replied, “Not during hockey playoffs.”
That conversation right there?
That’s as intimate as we get.
…I have misrepresented myself as this uber sexual creature who runs around naked, letting people snap pictures of me.
You’re confused? Me too!
Because the other day after my last post, I got an email from Mr. Creepy Guy asking for nudie pics.
Actually, that’s not true…
…he didn’t say: “Hi! Send me nudie pics!”
He said he would like to SWAP nudie pics!
The funniest part of the email was that according to the picture above, he could just TELL that I must have nudie pics on hand.
Because in the picture above, I’m wearing a turtle neck.
I think the only thing you could TELL about that, is that I’m cold a lot and I really should move to a warmer climate.
So in case Mr. Creepy Guy IS reading my blog, here’s a message: I may like to say “ass” a lot. But I don’t like showing it.
Now fuck off.