I’m gonna need to dust off my knee-pads

So I’ve been moping around lately.
I have no good reason.
I think I’m so used to being busy that suddenly being out of school with nothing to do, I’m walking aimlessly around the house feeling slightly insignificant.

Oh sure I could probably vacuum and make the beds.
But then what would my husband do when he gets home from work?

So, in an attempt to preserve his sense of self-worth, I mope.
I’m a good wife like that.

Then today when I was on Facebook, I started chatting with Meleah from Momma Mia, Mea Culpa and discovered that she’ll be going to Tribal Blog Conference in June.
That conference is in Minneapolis, a mere 8 hour drive from my city.
I love Meleah!
I want to meet her!

Then later on in the day, I get this message from Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties, and she’s all, “Oh em gee, you’re Absolutely Narcissism” and I’m like “Oh em gee, you’re Nanny Goats in Panties!”
And I can’t believe she even knows or cares who I am, but she’s gracious and charming, and I think she’s brilliant, AND she’s speaking at the conference.

So I HAVE GOT TO GO!

My husband comes home from work, and I tell him about my fantastic day, and I’m all, “Look! I’m not moping anymore! I may even feel like fucking!”
And he’s like, “Why?”
So I tell him about the conference, and I explain how we can incorporate it into our family vacation (’cause I’m manipulative efficient that way).

And for a split second, he’s on board.

Then…he’s not.
Because he doesn’t like the date.
Because…I have no fucken idea why, because after he grumbled about the date, my mind switched to white noise.

Then…THEN I’m blog surfing…you know, to ease my disappointment…and I’m reading one of my favourite blogs We Work for Cheese when I see mention of my name and the name of my blog…
…what the…?
Nicky, the author of the post, has written this post about me at the Tribal Blogs titled “Where Are All the Funny Blogs?

Ok.
I’m not speechless often.
But holy fuck.
Ya.
Just that.

So I go out to the garage where Wayne is fixing my brakes, no doubt thinking this will cheer me up…I know, right!…and I show him the post.
The fucken post!!!

He doesn’t say, “Well, sweetie, clearly you need to be at this conference.”
He says, “Finally something you’re good at.”


I’m like, “What. Did. You. Just. Say.”

He says, “I always knew you were good at writing.”

Oh.
I heard wrong the first time.
Oops.

So I go for a run, and of course, while I’m running, my mind is working furiously.
How am I going to get this guy to budge?
What do I need to do to convince him that Minneapolis is a fine place to vacation at the end of June?
A bottle of lube will definitely be involved in my plan.

I get back from my run, and as I walk into the living room, Wayne looks at me, and with a worried look, says, “What’s wrong?”
“What?” I reply.
“Why are you crying?”

“I’m…ummm…”
I’m not crying, but when I run in the wind, my right eye tears up.
So squeezing out a few more tears, allowing them to drip down my cheek, and hoping that my mascara is leaving a trail along with them…you know, for effect…I say, “Oh…yeah…I’m just a little sad that we can’t make those dates for the blog conference in June.”

Squeeze squeeeze tear tear…

Wayne gives me this concerned look, and between trying to be a good husband, and loving hockey playoffs more than me, his head is swivelling from the tv to me, tv to me, tv to me…probably a good shot was made, I frankly don’t know because I was frantically trying to squeeze out a few more tears, but in a rush he says, ”Ok ok, we’ll see what we can do!….” then he yells to the tv, “SHOOT THE PUCK!”

Okeydokey.
Looks like my work here is done.
And I didn’t even have to pull out my secret weapon.

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90 Responses to I’m gonna need to dust off my knee-pads
  1. Kristina P.
    April 28, 2011 | 5:02 pm

    Those are some serious sex panties.

    And you may have to become a hockey player in order to convince him you guys need to go.

    If you ever visit Utah, let me know. Although, I'm not sure if they will let you in. You're probably on their banned list.

  2. Linda Medrano
    April 28, 2011 | 5:05 pm

    Sandra! You have to go to the event! You will have to be my eyes and ears and tell me EVERYTHING after! Every single detail of every single moment! I am so thrilled for you! I wanted to go but we'd have to do it by lear jet or something because Harry doesn't travel well. And frankly, we are flat out of lear jets at the moment. Dust off those knee pads and get Wayne on board! One way or the other!

  3. meleah rebeccah
    April 28, 2011 | 5:07 pm

    Oh, Sandra! I love you too.

    And, I am SOFA KING excited you get to come to the conference. This is going to be THE BEST blogger conference of ALL TIME. I cannot wait to meet you in Real Life.

    And you didn't even need to use the knee pads, or the chin guard!!

  4. PBJdreamer
    April 28, 2011 | 5:08 pm

    Haaaa

    I love your blog

    that is all

  5. Sparkling
    April 28, 2011 | 5:11 pm

    I love it when you pull out your sexy drawers.

    I love that you pushed the tears a little. I am not a crier. I can never cry on command. BUt there have been a number of times in my life that I know if I could have started the waterworks, things would be different.

    Good for you going to Tribal Blogs. I am almost envious. BUt I don't think I've been blogging long enough.

  6. laughingmom
    April 28, 2011 | 5:13 pm

    Time to wear the hockey jersey and nothing else?

  7. Sarah
    April 28, 2011 | 5:13 pm

    Minneapolis is a great place to visit! Especially in the summer time.

  8. Mark
    April 28, 2011 | 5:17 pm

    Congratulations on you manipulation!
    But panties at the end of your post? Are you trying to keep me away from your Blog?
    Your Friend, m.

  9. Kate
    April 28, 2011 | 5:21 pm

    This is great. I clearly should learn from you, since I'm using sex to keep my husband from complaining about my running and you're using running(-induced tears) to get your way.

  10. Amber
    April 28, 2011 | 5:33 pm

    And the Oscar goes to…………..

    Hopefully you get what you want! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

  11. Yvonne
    April 28, 2011 | 5:41 pm

    Clearly, you ARE the MASTER! lol Good job! :)

  12. Ang
    April 28, 2011 | 5:43 pm

    Minneapolis IS a great place to visit – we have like 12,000+ lakes – what other shit does he like to do? I can give you a whole list of things to do for fun. We are, after all, the state of Hockey!

  13. Slyde
    April 28, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    ive been trying to convince Meleah that since we live close by, we should go to the tribal conference together.

    i even offered to room with her in a cheap sleazy hotel, but she keeps turning me down…

  14. Colleen
    April 28, 2011 | 5:51 pm

    That sexy lingerie at the end made me choke on air. LMFAO.
    Hope you get there!

  15. McKenzie
    April 28, 2011 | 5:57 pm

    Nice job squeezing out the tears! Love those sexy panties.

  16. Kjbikakis
    April 28, 2011 | 5:59 pm

    OH MY GOSH LOL! THE END! Quiet the miracle worker there (:
    Ps: the first comment that's on here almost made my laugh out loud. I could just got my ass in some serious trouble for laughing in class.
    Love Love LOVE your blog!!!
    -Kirstie Bikakis

  17. nitebyrd
    April 28, 2011 | 6:00 pm

    I'm thinkin' hold off on anything to do with lube until he commits to taking you to the conference. You HAVE to be there!

  18. Terena
    April 28, 2011 | 6:11 pm

    I know that feeling very well. Just finished a three year grad program and now I'm in limbo, waiting for my diploma, not working yet, not able to work until I get my certification, but can't get that without transcripts, and can't get those until I actually graduate…. so I pace a lot, write, and play the Sims (don't tell my husband).

  19. Melissa
    April 28, 2011 | 6:18 pm

    LOL…need to remember that, tears DO work!

    And hello! You have to go to that conference!

    p.s. I love your blog.

  20. Kathy
    April 28, 2011 | 6:25 pm

    I'm really laughing to hard to write anything good, so, thanks for the laugh!!!!

  21. Jen
    April 28, 2011 | 6:34 pm

    The first email I saw this morning and I knew you dusted off the knee pads and got the chin guard! This is so exciting! Tears almost always work for me too! Yay, women rock!

  22. Kelley
    April 28, 2011 | 6:41 pm

    Hahaha!!! So, you're going? You're not going? Going? No BlogHer then? Wayne won't budge for that one? I was REALLY looking forward to our plans, girl! I'm happy for you, though, because you are going to Minneapolis, right? You're going?

  23. Coffeypot
    April 28, 2011 | 7:01 pm

    Ya see? That is why, when my wife starts crying when she wants something, I hand her a tissue, or a wash cloth or a throw rug to wipe her eyes (I’m sensitive like that) as I walk by heading for the fridge to get a beer. They are just not real and she is being manipulative…because that is what women do.

  24. We Work For Cheese
    April 28, 2011 | 7:01 pm

    No. Way.

    Seriously?

    YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

    I am SO excited about this!!! (Hence my abuse of the exclamation point)

    I have to go and start making my Meeting Sandra cartoon!!!! :-)

  25. Brandy Rose
    April 28, 2011 | 7:08 pm

    I was cheering you on reading this post! “Work it girl, work it!”

  26. Lost.in.Idaho
    April 28, 2011 | 7:13 pm

    I'm furiously taking notes. This way, when my girlfriend tries these tactics, I can tell her 'no' in a concrete, clear way.

    :D

  27. Stephanie
    April 28, 2011 | 8:02 pm

    Are you 8 hours north south east or west of Minn? Just checking in case I decide to stalk you down. ;)

  28. Madge
    April 28, 2011 | 8:26 pm

    I figured you knew about the Tribal Blogs Con, but had your heart set on BlogHer, glad you're going.

  29. XLMIC
    April 28, 2011 | 8:40 pm

    Love the “secret weapon” :)

    Do they work because they are reminiscent of a time when they were literally RIPPED off you body… and that's why they are so ratty-looking? ;-)

    No matter where you end up, I have no doubt that fun and laughter will follow!

  30. Monkey Man
    April 28, 2011 | 8:49 pm

    Old dirty panties are your secret weapon??? Either Wayne has issues or you have a perverted sense of what men like. Oh well, whatever works for you…have fun at the conference and remind Wayne that they love hockey and ice fishing in Minnesota.

  31. Melissa
    April 28, 2011 | 9:03 pm

    I'm so jealous! I so badly wanted to go to the conference when it was here in Nashville, but as luck would have it…I had to work.

  32. SkippyMom
    April 28, 2011 | 9:24 pm

    Am I the only person on here that realized that you use those granny panties for pseudo knee pads?

    Oh, wait..maybe you actually wear those. Well, in that case THEY'RE LOVELY.

    If I wore them they wouldn't get me a candy bar.

  33. Brandy@YDK
    April 28, 2011 | 9:45 pm

    hahahahahah love it! that's super exciting.

  34. blueviolet
    April 28, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    You gotta go! Blog conferences are the best, and the friendships last forever!

  35. CkretsGalore
    April 28, 2011 | 11:05 pm

    Damn lady you definitely have to go! I'm excited for you.

    You know why I heart you? Because you make references to taking it up the pooper to get what you want.

    Hey sometimes ya gotta take one for the team. I understand.

  36. Gigi
    April 28, 2011 | 11:19 pm

    You are so there!

  37. Bouncin' Barb
    April 28, 2011 | 11:21 pm

    You most definitely need to go to that conference. Come hell or high water. Your blog is one of the funniest that I read and you know I love you and you want me to run away with you. That should tell you something!!! haha. The fake tears was a great tactic move! Bravo.

  38. Julianna
    April 28, 2011 | 11:27 pm

    I have those undies… no wait… mine are white, I just washed them with Oldest's red sweat shirt.

    Hope you can go… since you're finally good at something :)

  39. Donna @ The House on the Corner
    April 28, 2011 | 11:43 pm

    Tears, unfortunately don't work for me. They make my husband feel so bad that he vacates the area…and he doesn't come back until the tears are gone. I guess I'll have to resort to other methods ;-)

    Surely there's something hockey related going at the same time as the conference that you can point your husband towards. Heck – knowing your skills – I bet you can find something hockey-ish and make it seem like that's why your there in the first place!!!

  40. Cara S.
    April 28, 2011 | 11:46 pm

    Oh thank freaking GOD I found this blog today! I was beginning to think there were no more witty, funny shit out there. Don't get me wrong I love hearing about moms who wipe their kids asses all day long but geez i needed something to mix it up a bit! NEW FOLLOWER!!!!!

  41. My name WAS Female, I shit you not!
    April 28, 2011 | 11:55 pm

    ;0)

  42. KatieSue
    April 28, 2011 | 11:57 pm

    You're husband is right (Stop cussing me out and read on…lol)…You are good at writing!…I really hope this works out for you…Especially because it's something that brings some excitement into your life (without using those secret weapons…WTF is up with those panties…I expect the next picture of them to show them in shreds, after he's finished ripping them off of you!…lol) I'm not near cool enough for a blogging conference, so you have to go to let me know what it's all about!

  43. j-tony
    April 29, 2011 | 12:00 am

    I so love your blog. You know I read just to get my porn fix. You never disappoint :) . You know you may still need to break out your secret weapon as the date gets closer.

  44. Larissa
    April 29, 2011 | 12:11 am

    “Look! I'm not moping anymore! I may even feel like fucking!”
    You're brilliant! I'd hear YOU speak at a conference!

  45. Erin
    April 29, 2011 | 12:11 am

    You are so stinkin hilarious, so glad I found your blog..definitely going to be one of my top reads :)

  46. Shawn
    April 29, 2011 | 12:57 am

    You're killing me, I hope you get your way without too much damage to your knees!

    Those panties….You wanna go shopping? My treat!

    I just went and read your older posts. Holy crap girl, I'm dying and still very confused as to how one “clacks his balls”. I may have to go read your definition to my husband and see if he can do it!

  47. Raven
    April 29, 2011 | 12:59 am

    Those panties make me so hot I can't contain myself. *pants* *shivers* *wets self*

    I really hope you get to go the the blog conference. I'm like 15 minutes away from Minneapolis, why haven't I heard about this?

  48. Jayne Martin
    April 29, 2011 | 1:14 am

    Couldn't you go without him?

    (Yet another reason why I'm single.)

    Wish I could be there, but apparently airlines expect to be paid for their services. And then there are those post-boarding cavity searches.

    So when ya gettin' Disqus on here?

  49. Annabelle
    April 29, 2011 | 1:17 am

    I don't speak hockey but I'm pretty sure SHOOT THE PUCK translates exactly into BOOK THE TRIP.

  50. CRY
    April 29, 2011 | 1:33 am

    maybe you can buy more lube and dress like a sexy hockey player.

  51. Alessandra
    April 29, 2011 | 2:04 am

    Since you're as good as there, you'll have to tell me what happens at this conference. I'm so ignorant, I didn't know they have bloggers' conferences.

  52. Jill
    April 29, 2011 | 2:30 am

    Congrats Sandra! That's an awesome feature. But come on! You know how funny you are girl.

  53. Erin
    April 29, 2011 | 2:51 am

    What the hell…is the elastic on one of them pairs actually coming off? hahahahaha I cracked up reading your post. As usual. BTW, does your husband read your blog? Then he will actually know your tears are fake!

  54. Therapist Mumbles
    April 29, 2011 | 2:56 am

    Clever, well written, but bothersome.

    Don't slip down to being manipulative. Tell him you want to go and you will find a way to go, and you would like him to come too, but that is up to him.

    Don't push the tears. It's gets old quick. Direct-honest-Wonder Woman, much longer lasting.

    You shouldn't need permission. And the hockey playoffs will be over by then.

  55. Lazarus
    April 29, 2011 | 3:21 am

    Congrats Sandra, a future Ruler of the World should be able to go to a blog conference when she wants to. I am not sure if you know Pearl, I just assumed you guys know each other, she lives in Minneapolis and I think you guys would get along great. I'll send her a link to this post. Bringing the world together one blogger at a time…. Have fun at the conference (like there's any way you wouldn't!)

  56. Big a
    April 29, 2011 | 3:52 am

    jezus you're funny … those undies … really … they're hot …

    see, i can't get THAT honest, papi reads my posts sometimes

    oh and yours :) papi likes your blog, you must be something special

  57. Peevie Juice
    April 29, 2011 | 6:21 am

    hahahahah! You manipulative woman. One day women are gonna rule the world… soon.

    Or maybe they do already and men don't even know that. o_O

  58. Jo-Anne Rambling
    April 29, 2011 | 7:05 am

    Cool you got your way that is always a plus when us women get our own way………lucky you getting to go to the conference. I hope you have a fantastic time……….

  59. Deborah
    April 29, 2011 | 8:29 am

    Brilliant!

  60. Sarahf
    April 29, 2011 | 8:35 am

    One glance of those panties and you're golden. ;P

  61. Pearl
    April 29, 2011 | 12:17 pm

    Hello!

    My friend Lazarus stopped by, threw me your link and suggested I stop by. Funny stuff!

    So you're coming to Minneapolis? He thinks we should have a drink. I think he's right. Pop by my site if you have time…

    Pearl

  62. Mrs. Tuna
    April 29, 2011 | 12:22 pm

    I have that pesky wind/eye tearing problem but only my right eye drips. What's up with that. Hopefully Wayne will realize your awesomeness and concur with your trip plans.

  63. Impulsive Addict
    April 29, 2011 | 2:10 pm

    Girl, people will be coming out of the woodworks if you say where you're gonna be! STALKERS! LOL!

    Ok, those panties are SEXXXY! < —triple X's for a reason! ;)

  64. Dr. Cynicism
    April 29, 2011 | 3:06 pm

    Hahaha! You're a skilled woman at manipulating the male species! Oh, and a hell of a funny writer too! Now following you…

  65. Pearl
    April 29, 2011 | 3:19 pm

    Hi there! I hope you get to attend and enjoy MN with your family too Sandra:-)
    Nice undies there! lol

  66. DameMeow
    April 29, 2011 | 3:59 pm

    By the tickets. Then cry when he gets mad until he gives in. A much more effective method, is it not?

  67. Small Town Mommy
    April 29, 2011 | 4:42 pm

    We are traveling all the way from a Small Town in Connecticut to vacation in Minneapolis at the end of June (yes, so I can attend). There is an indoor waterpark and you can't forget the Mall of America.

  68. manders
    April 29, 2011 | 7:30 pm

    i don't know if any amount of waterworks would distract my boyfriend from the playoffs. at least not during a Mtl game. he talks to the tv more than me on those days.

  69. Molly Malone
    April 29, 2011 | 9:20 pm

    Hahahahaaa! Woman, you are evil …. I love it!

  70. Cake Betch
    April 29, 2011 | 10:09 pm

    I adore you so much it makes me hurt inside. Congrats on the props from the other blog! There is more on MY blog, where I provided you with an award. (My blog is totally better).
    <3's

  71. BusyWorkingMama
    April 29, 2011 | 11:32 pm

    “A bottle of lube will definitely be involved in my plan.” < — and this is why I love to come read your blog :) I'd never admit to such a thing, though I won't deny it, either :) TGIF!!!

  72. Toriz
    April 29, 2011 | 11:40 pm

    Hey, whatever works! ;)

  73. Ameena
    April 30, 2011 | 3:02 am

    So why aren't you visiting me? In LA? This place is full of narcissism…you'd love it!!

    Your hubby cracks me up. Replace hockey with a BlackBerry PlayBook or an iPad2 and you have my hubby.

  74. On My Soapbox
    April 30, 2011 | 3:07 am

    Ohhhh, the good ol' “rip these off and fuck me” panties. How can he resist?

  75. 1 Funky Woman
    April 30, 2011 | 3:59 am

    I so just showed my husband your sexy underware and he said, “wow, they look better than yours”

    Great, and I thought those were my secret weapon!

    Hope you get to go!

    Megan

  76. Jennifer
    April 30, 2011 | 4:19 am

    Oh you're funny, like really funny. I need to check out the link you have to other funny blogs,

  77. Vodka Calling
    April 30, 2011 | 4:19 am

    I signed in w/ the wrong id, sorry!

  78. Theresa
    April 30, 2011 | 4:36 am

    I like the way your mind works. I will have to remember the running in the wind trick. Is there anyway I could do that, minus the running? Would a blow dryer on the cold setting work?

  79. The Onion
    April 30, 2011 | 4:55 am

    Congrats. You rock, of course.

    I am still looking to find a blog conference in Denver for those of us living in the sticks, yo.

    http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

  80. jacqui
    April 30, 2011 | 9:50 am

    I'm glad you'll be able to go since you are, after all, finally good at something. One day, when I know you better, we'll have to have a talk about those panties.

  81. Ms.Wasteland
    May 1, 2011 | 1:07 am

    The conference sounds like lots of fun. Wish I was going. I would love to hang out with you.

  82. coawannabe
    May 1, 2011 | 4:23 am

    Ha ha ha! Those panties ARE a serious weapon! Great post!

  83. gayle
    May 1, 2011 | 3:42 pm

    Well now I have to take up running in hopes that my eyes will tear up from time to time because my husband never notices when I am really crying!

  84. Belle
    May 1, 2011 | 8:25 pm

    Good tactics! I'm so excited for you. I'm going over right now and see what that guy wrote about you!

  85. H A R R Y G O A Z
    May 1, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    ADAM SANDLER ???!!!

  86. kristi
    May 2, 2011 | 1:05 am

    LOL…and yeah Adam Sandler…ugh.

  87. Queenie Jeannie
    May 2, 2011 | 7:26 am

    You ARE a funny blogger!! Good thing you have that ONE THING, lol!!

    I was funny once….it was a gyno post….*shudder*….

  88. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    May 3, 2011 | 3:07 am

    Hahaha. I crack up EVERY TIME. Duh you is funny girl!

  89. Pheromone Girl
    May 3, 2011 | 3:22 am

    THE most important thing in the entire world, as a girl, is to KNOW what your secret weapon is. Oh, and when to use it, but you've got that down to a science, girl.

  90. Ginger
    May 7, 2011 | 7:34 am

    Way to go with the tears Sandra. don't put away the 'sesky' pants yet lol. you may still need them.
    p.s. What did you give Nicky? He was practically slobbering over you..lol.

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