Yes, these words came out of my mouth

We all say stuff in our lives, and later reflect upon the meaning of it.

I try not to.

These words have come out of my mouth:

  • I forbid you from drawing on your brother’s face.
  • I forbid you from drawing on your own face.
  • That’s permanent marker!
  • I don’t care if your butt hole is sticky, don’t put your finger in there.
  • If  you can get this done in 3 minutes, that will leave me with 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep.

However, tonight I was rendered speechless by a conversation with my 13 year old.

He was getting ready to soak in a hot bath.
He says, “Today my balls we’re clinging to my butt.”

He waits for my reaction.
Probably this is the part where I dole out advice.
But quite frankly, I got nothing.

He continues, “So I told my friend, Luke about it.”
He waits. I still say nothing.

“So Luke said that there’s a word for that: it’s called ballage.”

My lips are sealed.

“Yeah, Luke said that the best cure is to have a hot bath so the balls unstick, then put baby powder on your balls afterwards so they don’t cling to your butt again.”

I could have said many things.

But ballage?
I was sure he was fucking with me.

So I went on Urban and wouldn’t you know, the little perverts were right:
Ballage (pronounced BALL-IJ) is the same as cleavage but of a mans testes. Usually pertaining to a man with tight clothing so the form of the testes are visible or when the “balls” are shown.

I still have said nothing because honestly, I’m saving my one-liner for a better time.
Like when he asks me for a jar of vaseline.

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105 Responses to Yes, these words came out of my mouth
  1. Kristina P.
    March 3, 2011 | 5:32 am

    You have some amazing conversations at home. And I thought that was called moose knuckles?

  2. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    March 3, 2011 | 5:36 am

    Wait. He's THIRTEEN?

    Man, I wish I knew guys like that.

    Why is it that the 13 year olds I know don't even dare to say the word “boobs”?

  3. The WholeFamDamily
    March 3, 2011 | 5:49 am

    i'm with kristina, i thought it was moose knuckles too. you couldn't make this stuff up! hahaha, i love your convos!!

  4. Jenner
    March 3, 2011 | 5:56 am

    Resourceful kid!

  5. SkippyMom
    March 3, 2011 | 6:17 am

    I read the title and thought – Okay this should be good – because we're all moms [and dads] here.

    But your son [and his friend] trumped you.

    Can't wait for the vaseline story. Just make sure you don't accidently give him Vick's vapor rub. Same consistency – not the same result.

    Believe me. I know. And no, it did not involve genitals. Just my nose.

    And believe me. That was enough.

  6. Impulsive Addict
    March 3, 2011 | 6:20 am

    I'm glad I have a daughter. I'm not sure I could handle having these conversations with my son. I've got nothing to offer. If we DO have another, then I will make it hubby's job to handle those questions.

    Your blog is awesome! You're always good for a laugh!

  7. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    March 3, 2011 | 6:33 am

    Ballage is no laughing matter. Trust me, you can't think when you have ballage. Of course, most teenage boys can't think anyway on account of the hormones. Hell, most men can't think, come to think of it.

    I don't really understand why we have balls, to tell you the truth. I mean, we could have balls, but not the kind that hang down and give us ballage. What the fuck was God thinking, anyway?

  8. Lightning Bug's Butt
    March 3, 2011 | 7:18 am

    Entertaining AND educational. That's why I come here.

  9. The Onion
    March 3, 2011 | 7:19 am

    Seriously, I don't have balls, and generally avoid them. I am sending the little guy to Special Agent when he has ball trouble. I am tampons, Special Agent is balls.

  10. The Watchman
    March 3, 2011 | 7:24 am

    Kids say the darndest things don't they! I sometimes wonder where they come up with this stuff! There are times when my oldest daughter says stuff(she is 7 years old and exactly like me in looks and personality) that is either exactly what I said when I was her age or damn close! Now mind you I am the biggest smart-ass I know so you can imagine how it is hard to get mad at a kid who acts just like you! The stuff that comes outta her mouth makes me LAUGH!

  11. Jessica
    March 3, 2011 | 7:27 am

    The conversations I am missing out on because I don't have boys. Such a bummer.

    March 3, 2011 | 7:44 am

    ohh giggling here…I had two boys,don't remember that conversaton bahahah your kid is a crack up !

  13. LilPixi
    March 3, 2011 | 9:16 am

    I've always wanted sons. I can handle it. Haha! Classic!!

  14. Polly
    March 3, 2011 | 10:17 am

    You just make me more and more excited about my little boys growing up.

  15. Canadianbloggergirl
    March 3, 2011 | 10:18 am

    I don't know how you didn't bust a gut. This just confirms it, I'm happy my sweetpea is a girl!


  16. Demented Duchess
    March 3, 2011 | 10:42 am

    This is great! Sounds like a conversation I would have with my TOTS. Only, I would have probably been the one teaching about ballage. Does this make me an unfit mother? Probably, but I'm THEIR unfit mother. mwah ha ha!

  17. becca
    March 3, 2011 | 11:20 am

    wow i'm not sure if i should be scared of my son growing up if this is what 13yr olds do or thankful to you for knowing how to handle i. either way thanks for the morning giggle and the grt post

  18. Alittlesprite
    March 3, 2011 | 11:21 am

    The mans version of camel toe. Nasty…. :)

  19. Alittlesprite
    March 3, 2011 | 11:23 am

    Reminds me of the time my ten year old accidently hit his Balls and cried “OO! My DELICATES!” Cracked me up..

  20. ms. caboo
    March 3, 2011 | 11:34 am

    Wow! I've learned something new. I'm gonna have to ask my boyfriend about this one. Your kid is a real crack-up!

  21. myevil3yearold
    March 3, 2011 | 12:39 pm

    Well, I have never heard of this. Ballage. I just like saying it. Ballage.

    When my 7 year old gets older I will now know what he is talking about now. Thanks


  22. Sausage Fingers
    March 3, 2011 | 12:51 pm

    Gold Bond medicated powder and I are best mates this time of year.
    Florida – Hot – Have Balls – No stickage.

  23. Flying high in the sky....
    March 3, 2011 | 12:58 pm

    i loved your silence!!! i wanted you to open your mouth and say something so that i could crack up …. but i kept smiling!!! what a lovely post with a hilarious streak!! thanks for making me laugh!

  24. FreeFlying
    March 3, 2011 | 1:01 pm

    Wow. Such a communicator. I thought they were supposed to be all mumbly and door-locky at this age? No so much sharing ball unsticking strategies.

  25. Diane
    March 3, 2011 | 1:20 pm

    Ballage, huh? Good to know since my oldest is 11. I'll have to remember that one so when he tells me his balls are stuck to his butt in a couple of years I can say, “Oh, that's just ballage..completely normal.” Ha!

  26. Heather
    March 3, 2011 | 1:21 pm

    Wow. Two brothers, a husband, and three sons and that is completely new one to me!!

    I am glad he got it all figured out!

  27. Bouncin' Barb
    March 3, 2011 | 1:57 pm

    Isn't that what parenting is all about? Learning what is going on with your kids, their genitals and the current diagnosis by their 13 year old friends? Can't wait to see what they come up with next.

  28. Random Girl
    March 3, 2011 | 2:05 pm

    Some conversations really require no response. I think you played it smart on this one… there really was no good to come from a two-sided attempt on this one. Hilarious!

  29. Nicole
    March 3, 2011 | 2:13 pm

    Educational and cautionary. You do it all!

  30. LuLu Kellogg
    March 3, 2011 | 2:19 pm

    Out of the mouths of babes!

  31. HisBell
    March 3, 2011 | 2:26 pm

    So this is the convos I have to look forward to when my 5 and 8 yr old boys get older. awesome. lol

  32. KittyCat
    March 3, 2011 | 2:59 pm

    Now my 16 year old wont talk to me about sex or girls
    he will discuss any and all parts of his bodywe have had the ball prob but after a soccer game and taking off his sliding shorts. we went with the good ole baby powder too.

  33. Jumble Mash
    March 3, 2011 | 3:33 pm

    Hahahahha such interesting conversations you have.

  34. Rebecca
    March 3, 2011 | 3:45 pm

    I'm really not wanting my boy to get old enough to have these conversations. Please promise me I won't hear some of the same stuff from my boy.

  35. Yvonne
    March 3, 2011 | 3:46 pm

    Hahahaha! Who says reading blogs is not educational? I've never heard of that term before. So I called one of my two brothers and mentioned it to him. Because as the big sister, I can ask whatever the hell I want, even if we're both over forty. Anyway, he knew what I was talking about! He said they used to call it something else when he was growing up but he couldn't remember what that was. Then he wanted to know where I heard it. I said, “a blog” and he said, “Did you join a cult?” —which leads me to a whole other kind of conversation. I'm rambling. I know. I'll stop now.

  36. PencilGirl
    March 3, 2011 | 3:49 pm

    I have a younger brother.. He knows a lot more than I do.. : I wonder if it's just a guy thing.. At least I hope it is.. :|
    Also, I've awarded you the Stylish Blogger award.. Do accept it.. :) :)

  37. Melissa
    March 3, 2011 | 3:53 pm

    Hey I just had a similar conversation (ok they were nothing alike) with my husband the other day. My daughter was upstairs laughing hysterically because I asked him if his balls stuck to his legs ever and what happens when they have explosive diarrhea (because we all do it) but I needed to know like does it get all over them? If so do they jump right into the shower because that's kind of gross and what would he do if it happened at work and he couldn't get to a shower, would he just hike his leg on the sink to get the necessary places.

  38. Mejis
    March 3, 2011 | 4:16 pm

    My 13 year old step-son is always complaining of sweaty balls. Must be an age thing. I don't recall anyone over the age of 18 complaining about sweaty balls…Anyway, I just hand him a towel and tell him he knows where the tub is. I'll have to hand him some baby powder next time.

  39. Brandy@YDK
    March 3, 2011 | 4:41 pm

    thank gawd i have you to teach me these things before G gets older. and baby powder is awesome – my husband says so.

  40. Pink Satin Sashes
    March 3, 2011 | 4:49 pm

    I have 2 boys, and for some reason we never have conversations like this.

    My 18 year old will not burp or even fart in front of us. He has been like this since day one.

    Our girls were convinced he never did these things until, my husband went to work out of town with him, sharing a room together.

    He came home and reassured everyone, our Christopher does indeed burp and fart…

    who would have thought?

    So having this kind of conversation would NEVER happen.

    It makes me laugh.

  41. CkretsGalore
    March 3, 2011 | 4:54 pm

    That is just down right precious.

    Did I mention that I want to have a boy??

  42. Raven
    March 3, 2011 | 4:55 pm

    Wow! And I thought I had strange conversations with my Midgets.

  43. Lin
    March 3, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    This is hilarious but I'm a little disturbed by the fact that I now know what “ballage” is lol.

  44. Justsayin'
    March 3, 2011 | 5:38 pm

    I'm laughing so hard at this right now :D

  45. Bibliomama
    March 3, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    Some of my classics are: You have to eat the ones off the floor first; if you're going to play with the boys, you have to agree to be shot; your bum looks really good today (which is miles away from 'your ass looks incredible'). yeah, they're less dirty, but I'm a recovering catholic.

  46. Nari
    March 3, 2011 | 6:14 pm

    Huh, I always thought that the outline of the male's dangly bits through overly tight clothing was called a moose knuckle, you know, the male version of a camel toe but then again I was a child of the 70's, so the clothing was a little more…challenged.

  47. like.thunder
    March 3, 2011 | 6:20 pm

    just awesome.

  48. Mark
    March 3, 2011 | 6:59 pm

    I can't wait to use that tonight!

  49. Marissa
    March 3, 2011 | 7:10 pm

    Now see, why isn't a useful word like “ballage” ever used in spelling bees and SATs?

  50. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    March 3, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    You make such a great “boys mom”! It's truly wonderful that he's so comfortable with you. I'm afraid I would be speechless All The Time. It's a good thing I have girls I would have stunk at raising boys.

  51. Kelly
    March 3, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    Yep, it's a moose knuckle in these parts. Ballage is a much cleaner, word though.

    I do not look forward to age 13!

  52. 2busy
    March 3, 2011 | 7:46 pm

    It's hard to be quick on the reply with that one!

  53. Jessica B
    March 3, 2011 | 8:25 pm

    great post! i have a 13 yr old son who shares an awful lot of those same types of things. i'm just glad he talks to me!

  54. Lazarus
    March 3, 2011 | 8:31 pm

    And I thought I knew all the salacious terms, thanks for the info! Do you know the term “krumpet?” That's the skin between a man's scrotum and anus (similar to a woman's “taint.”) So if a guy invites you up to his room for “Tea and crumpets,” that's fine, but if he invites you to his room for “tea and krumpet,” watch out!

  55. Monkey Man
    March 3, 2011 | 8:55 pm

    Ballage…the men's version of camel toe?!? Interesting. Of course I thought sticky balls were something you could order when having dim sum. Go figure.

  56. Just Sayin...
    March 3, 2011 | 9:36 pm

    *sigh* I love your family.

  57. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    March 3, 2011 | 10:01 pm

    Oh my word, your posts never cease to make my mouth hang open, hahahaha!!!!!!! Love this! I'm so excited I finally got a little boy, I soooooooo look forward to these conversations. :)

  58. EmptyNester
    March 3, 2011 | 10:02 pm

    I think this is when I become even more grateful that I have 4 daughters instead of sons. LOL

  59. Mamma has spoken
    March 3, 2011 | 10:19 pm

    Hum, the thing is ballage is the male version of camel toe. But he said they were tucked to his butt. I think he's doing something wrong with it down there. Something more along the line of Buffalo Bill off of Silence of the Lamb. Don't know what I'm talking about?
    You have to watch it to the very end to see what a Buffalo Bill is.

  60. Shawn
    March 3, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    Holy crap thats funny

  61. Coffeypot
    March 3, 2011 | 10:41 pm

    If his balls are stuck in his ass, tell him to fart and blow them loose.

  62. Misfits Vintage
    March 3, 2011 | 11:21 pm

    Balls are hilarious!

    Sarah xxx

  63. Bridget
    March 3, 2011 | 11:28 pm

    YAY for life with teenage boys! :D

  64. laughingmom
    March 3, 2011 | 11:52 pm

    First kudos to Coffeypot for the greatest comment! Now, your post had me “cracking” up. Thanks for the “tip” on ballage. I asked my teen son and he's never heard the term…got to teach him a word for a change!

  65. caterpillar
    March 4, 2011 | 12:06 am


  66. Carri
    March 4, 2011 | 12:52 am

    Ah yes. Camel balls. Just like camel toe but for guys.

  67. Katsidhe
    March 4, 2011 | 1:02 am

    I love how he felt the need to share this experience with you. ;-)

  68. Wombat Central
    March 4, 2011 | 1:30 am

    Ballage: Reason #432 I'm glad I'm a woman.

  69. gayle
    March 4, 2011 | 2:31 am

    OMG the conversations you have!!! Funny!! Shows what an easy mom you are to talk to!!

    Coffepots comment was the best!!

  70. Alessandra
    March 4, 2011 | 3:16 am

    I learn something new every time I read your blog, what would we do without you? I would have loved to be a fly on your wall when that conversation went on…

  71. Chanel
    March 4, 2011 | 3:22 am

    Some people in the Blogosphere call that “Yoda Balls” and there's a handy way to cure it…

    I think baby powder was also involved.

    I think Charles at In Review: Stuff and Things was the one who wrote about it. Apparently it's a very common thing for balls to sweat…I'm so glad I don't have any.

  72. Not Blessed Mama
    March 4, 2011 | 3:44 am

    you learn something new everyday.
    sometimes, you wish you hadn't.

  73. JoJo
    March 4, 2011 | 5:20 am

    Haha Ballage! That's great. I love how comfortable your son is talking about his ballage with you. That's kind of cute.

  74. Kimberly
    March 4, 2011 | 5:59 am

    How do balls stretch that much to even touch the asshole? This is quite thought provoking and may have some potentially philosophical meaning behind it…or just a pair of testicles

  75. A Daft Scots Lass
    March 4, 2011 | 11:30 am

    Smart arse! *giggle*

  76. Lola
    March 4, 2011 | 1:33 pm

    BALLAGE! That's hysterical! I'm SO glad I found a virtual friend who can relate to the whole teen boy situation! Mine is still a preteen but OMG, the things that come out of his mouth!! The other day he casually says to me, “Mom, I think you should check this out. I have hairy balls now”.
    I reacted like any reasonable, mature, and sophisticated mother. My coffee squirted out of my nose and I started choking. After 10 minutes of dying (which also totally blew any chance of me playing this whole thing cool) I managed to say, “I'm sure they are hairy and fabulous, but maybe you should show your father”

    That was an okay response, right?
    And now I get to look forward to “ballage”.

  77. ryoko861
    March 4, 2011 | 1:52 pm

    Ah, thank you @alittlesprite. Camel toe is exactly what I was thinking! isn't it amazing what comes out of a 13 year old's mouth? Nice that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about such ballage. I know mine would have NEVER said anything of the sort. They're older now and we're making up for 10 years. Times sure have changed!

  78. Debbie
    March 4, 2011 | 3:10 pm

    My 13 year old would die if he even realized I knew he had balls!

  79. Stephanie
    March 4, 2011 | 5:45 pm

    Oh man. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle this shizz. I love that you guys have the openness to have these types of convos though!

  80. Cake Betch
    March 4, 2011 | 7:55 pm

    Hahahahaha oh jesus. I hope when I have kids that they're boys. God help them because there is no way I would have formulated an appropriate response to this.

  81. On My Soapbox
    March 4, 2011 | 8:20 pm

    Wow, I learned two new words today: ballage and krumpet. I may never use them again, but I've expanded my vocabulary, right?

  82. Chelsea Coleen
    March 4, 2011 | 9:38 pm

    your blog is so adorableeeeeee me=love it

  83. Ginger
    March 4, 2011 | 10:24 pm

    Ewwwwwww. oversharing. not from you darling. from Sonny. Maybe next time the red comes, tell him about the globs of blood coming out. I really want to hear his take on female bodies..

  84. Unknown Mami
    March 4, 2011 | 11:42 pm

    I can't say I ever heard of this problem before.

  85. Making It Work Mom
    March 4, 2011 | 11:44 pm

    Wow! And I thought I was a cutting edge parent for teaching my 4 year old daughter about butt cleavage.

  86. Stephanie Faris
    March 5, 2011 | 12:08 am

    OMG. At 13 too!!!

    My stepdaughter is 11 and a few weeks ago she was all paranoid about having “cankles.” I had no idea kids knew that word.

  87. Linda Medrano
    March 5, 2011 | 1:21 am

    Well, I'll be. I have never heard of this. And I thought I had heard of everything.

  88. Kimberly
    March 5, 2011 | 3:26 am

    Glad I'm not the only one. Thing One regularly reports on the status of his man parts. Like I want to know?

  89. 7ladybugz
    March 5, 2011 | 5:08 am

    LMAO This sounds like a typical 'shock n awe' convo in my house but it doesn't get the same reaction as they want because nothing shocks me now LOL I actually shock them LMAO

    I have a little something on my page for you :)

  90. Jill
    March 5, 2011 | 5:28 am

    OMG! I can't determine if it's a good thing or a bad thing that your kids are so open with you. Let's go with good! Yeah, good.

  91. The Vegetable Assassin
    March 5, 2011 | 6:13 am

    I'm always late to the best parties. BALLAGE? Well. I just love the conversations your kids have with you. It's the coolest. I dread to think what any kids of mine would talk about. I'm sure they'd have to be home schooled… Lucky I haven't pro created really. :)

  92. MommaKiss
    March 5, 2011 | 1:21 pm

    Read this in e-mail and have been telling all my friends. Seriously. Ballage.

  93. The Chicken's Consigliere
    March 5, 2011 | 1:36 pm

    Yup, that's a new one on me. That's because your kid talks to you. My apple just grunts.

  94. Mrs. Tuna
    March 5, 2011 | 1:54 pm

    Do you ever feel your kiddies are a tiny bit too open with you, just a teeny tiny bit, maybe?

  95. Katherine
    March 5, 2011 | 2:32 pm

    Oh, just WAIT until he learns “The Brain.” I've got two boys, now teenagers, and every once in a while I STILL hear one of them scream while the other yells, “THE BRAIN! I got you!”

  96. Kat
    March 5, 2011 | 7:48 pm

    I cannot believe that you managed to keep a straight face. I really don't think that I could have managed it! I really hope that my son keeps the ballage and vaseline talks for his weeks with his dad because I'm not sure I can handle it!

  97. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    March 5, 2011 | 8:46 pm

    Haha, I cant believe you said nothing to all of that. So funny.

  98. Two Normal Moms
    March 6, 2011 | 12:14 am

    Yeah, I don't know how you stayed silent. LOL. And I love that he asked his friend about it. Ahhh, teenage boys!

  99. Debbie
    March 6, 2011 | 12:29 am

    This is crazy funny! oh my, Is this what I have to look forward to? I've never heard of ballage before.

  100. Dutch Sugar Babe
    March 6, 2011 | 2:38 am

    Now that's just plain hilarious.
    Ballage. I'm going to save this in my word file for future reference.
    Please thank your son for me.

  101. Mrsblogalot
    March 6, 2011 | 12:54 pm

    I always thought Ballage was a country.

    …Gotta go check my son for strange walking patterns.

  102. purplume
    March 6, 2011 | 5:15 pm

    Thanks any assistance in keeping up with the times is welcome. XD
    I admire the openness in your house.

  103. charlywalker
    March 6, 2011 | 10:51 pm

    Amazing transitional blogging from nursing to balls…Bully for you!

    spread the humor:

  104. Kim Thomas
    March 12, 2011 | 10:12 pm

    Who Knew? One of those moments I am glad to have girls

  105. Lisa
    March 26, 2011 | 8:05 pm

    LOL This is hilarious. My g-son is 8 months old and I can't wait for this kinda stuff. I hope I'm around to watch his mamas face.

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