It’s Friday night.
It’s the deciding game of the semi-finals for my 13 year old son’s hockey team.
The winning team goes on to finals.
There are two types of mothers at these games.
There is the mother who stands up in the bleachers, waves her big foam finger side-to-side, singing, “Here we go teeeeeam, here we go!” Clap! Clap!
She yells out, “Good job!” “You can do it!” and “Shake it off! Shake it off!”
She has come to the rink extra early to hang coloured banners with her son’s team colours so the players will see these and be inspired.
She knows all the players by name.
She knows what an ‘off-side’ is.
Then there is the other mother.
She SITS in the stands, asking the other smart mothers who have thought to bring blankets, if she can sit on them too.
She looks up at the game between texting, and occasionally yells out, “Are you kidding me? What kind of play was that?”
She cozies up to the one mother who is in a new relationship, and asks, “So, getting laid much?”
She looks up at the game periodically, just in time to see her kid get nailed into the boards, and yells, “Do that to my son again, and I’ll kick your ass #13,” and under her breath she mutters, “Little fucker…” ‘Cause really, even though hitting is allowed, the boy being hit is teeny-tiny, and well, he was going to score, and that big fucker hit him so hard…
She then leans back into the other mother, and says, “Go on.”
She looks up and sees…well, honestly, she didn’t see anything because she was getting the low-down on her friend’s vaginal dryness issues apparently attributed to menopause, but she did hear one of the father’s in the stand yell, “That was an off-side ref!” and once again, she wondered, “What the fuck is an off-side, and really, what’s the big deal?”
She turned back to Vaginal-Dryness Lady and began giving her parental advice, which Vaginal-Dryness Lady actually listened to quite intently, which is hilarious on so many levels, because said mother giving out the advice had just recently had a talk with her son, the one who had just recently been nailed into the boards, in which she said:
Mother: I wonder if your big brother is having fun at the party he’s at.
Boy: He probably is. He has a crush on one of the girls there.
Mother: Really? I don’t think so. He’s not like that.
Boy: Yes he is. He just isn’t as open with you as I am.
Mother: No. He’s not like you. Just because you’ve already had your first kiss does not mean he has. Anyway, you’re only 13 years old. You shouldn’t be kissing girls yet.
Boy: Mooom! What age did you have your first kiss at?
Mother: I was 11. But there was no tongue involved.
Mother: Well, you still shouldn’t be kissing at 13. I was just a dirty hoe.
The mother tells Vaginal-Dryness Lady, “We should watch the game. There are 56 seconds left. It won’t kill us.”
When her son’s team loses 5-0, this mother shrugs, and says, “Thank god we don’t have to sit through finals. My ass is freezing.”
Now don’t all be assuming I was the second mother!