Who do you like better? This mother or this mother?

It’s Friday night.
It’s the deciding game of the semi-finals for my 13 year old son’s hockey team.
The winning team goes on to finals.

There are two types of mothers at these games.

There is the mother who stands up in the bleachers, waves her big foam finger side-to-side, singing, “Here we go teeeeeam, here we go!” Clap! Clap!

She yells out, “Good job!” “You can do it!” and “Shake it off! Shake it off!”

She has come to the rink extra early to hang coloured banners with her son’s team colours so the players will see these and be inspired.

She knows all the players by name.

She knows what an ‘off-side’ is.

Then there is the other mother.

She SITS in the stands, asking the other smart mothers who have thought to bring blankets, if she can sit on them too.

She looks up at the game between texting, and occasionally yells out, “Are you kidding me? What kind of play was that?”

She cozies up to the one mother who is in a new relationship, and asks, “So, getting laid much?”

She looks up at the game periodically, just in time to see her kid get nailed into the boards, and yells, “Do that to my son again, and I’ll kick your ass #13,” and under her breath she mutters, “Little fucker…” ‘Cause really, even though hitting is allowed, the boy being hit is teeny-tiny, and well, he was going to score, and that big fucker hit him so hard…

She then leans back into the other mother, and says, “Go on.”

She looks up and sees…well, honestly, she didn’t see anything because she was getting the low-down on her friend’s vaginal dryness issues apparently attributed to menopause, but she did hear one of the father’s in the stand yell, “That was an off-side ref!” and once again, she wondered, “What the fuck is an off-side, and really, what’s the big deal?”

She turned back to Vaginal-Dryness Lady and began giving her parental advice, which Vaginal-Dryness Lady actually listened to quite intently, which is hilarious on so many levels, because said mother giving out the advice had just recently had a talk with her son, the one who had just recently been nailed into the boards, in which she said:

Mother: I wonder if your big brother is having fun at the party he’s at.

Boy: He probably is. He has a crush on one of the girls there.

Mother: Really? I don’t think so. He’s not like that.

Boy: Yes he is. He just isn’t as open with you as I am.

Mother: No. He’s not like you. Just because you’ve already had your first kiss does not mean he has. Anyway, you’re only 13 years old. You shouldn’t be kissing girls yet.

Boy: Mooom! What age did you have your first kiss at?

Mother: *crickets*

Boy: Mooom!

Mother: I was 11. But there was no tongue involved.

Boy: See!

Mother: Well, you still shouldn’t be kissing at 13. I was just a dirty hoe.

Boy: Mooom!

The mother tells Vaginal-Dryness Lady, “We should watch the game. There are 56 seconds left. It won’t kill us.”
When her son’s team loses 5-0, this mother shrugs, and says, “Thank god we don’t have to sit through finals. My ass is freezing.”

Now don’t all be assuming I was the second mother!

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89 Responses to Who do you like better? This mother or this mother?
  1. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    March 20, 2011 | 1:49 am

    The second mother sounds a hell of a lot more hilarious.

    So…it should be a compliment. (:

  2. Ami
    March 20, 2011 | 1:53 am

    Now see, I had no idea that you were either one of the mothers. I was thinking it was probably just a story you wrote up for your blog with no basis in actual facts.

    Oh. And Astroglide.

  3. stephanie
    March 20, 2011 | 1:55 am

    I'd definitely want to sit by the second mother. Odds are she'd have a flask and that's my kind of mom :)

  4. Coffeypot
    March 20, 2011 | 1:59 am

    Vaginal dryness, isn’t that why STP was invented? Soak The Pussy or something like that…I’m sure it is.

  5. Kristina P.
    March 20, 2011 | 2:03 am

    I would never assume you were the second mother! You are much too sweet and demure for that.

  6. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    March 20, 2011 | 2:03 am

    LOL…her names not..? never mind she's in Tassie LOL

  7. Bridget
    March 20, 2011 | 2:05 am

    HAHAHAHA! I'm all for the second Mom, she sounds like more fun!

  8. Gigi
    March 20, 2011 | 2:17 am

    Sooooo…..go to many high school football games? No? Would you like to? I sure could use another mother of the same mindset sitting next to me.

  9. SherilinR
    March 20, 2011 | 2:18 am

    second mom should totally bring a snuggy to the next game.

  10. Rebecca
    March 20, 2011 | 2:34 am

    I wonder if they make battery operated electric blankets for next seasons games? I know they have battery operated socks.

  11. Leila
    March 20, 2011 | 2:47 am

    Sounds like a bunch of moms from the “Mean Girls” clique to me :P

    haha kidding

  12. Bibliomama
    March 20, 2011 | 3:05 am

    I honestly have no idea what to think.

  13. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    March 20, 2011 | 3:09 am

    I have vaginal dryness to look forward to?

  14. Belle
    March 20, 2011 | 3:30 am

    My daughter and I used to play games on our phones until my granddaughter would sing, then it was back to the phones. (This was in a gym, not a concert hall – we do have some manners.)

  15. JoJo
    March 20, 2011 | 3:39 am

    If second mother calls little brats little fuckers then I'm on her team!

  16. Jen
    March 20, 2011 | 3:55 am

    I keep having to remember NOT to read your blog during math class… it's always awkward when the teacher walks by and VAGINAL DRYNESS is written all over my screen =P

  17. The Restaurant Manager
    March 20, 2011 | 4:14 am

    “I was just a dirty hoe” really? That's what she told her kid? Unreal.

  18. Misfits Vintage
    March 20, 2011 | 4:30 am

    What about mother type three… “Oh fuck, I KNEW there was something I forgot!”. Uh.

    Makes mother two look like Mother frickin Theresa.

    Sarah xxx

  19. Not Just Another Mother Blogger!
    March 20, 2011 | 4:33 am

    HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for the belly laugh!

  20. Yvonne
    March 20, 2011 | 4:37 am

    “STP” “Soak the Pussy” bahahahaha!

  21. Janessa
    March 20, 2011 | 4:48 am

    HAHAHA, this cracked me up – my sons have played on enough sports teams that I've learned that you will definitely run into all kinds.

  22. Jessica
    March 20, 2011 | 5:01 am

    Hilarious. I would probably be the mother on her phone not really paying attention to the game.

  23. Laoch of Chicago
    March 20, 2011 | 6:03 am

    Having had a parent who was over interested in my success at athletic endeavors, I definitely would prefer a parent who did not even come to the games at all.

  24. Raven
    March 20, 2011 | 6:46 am

    So what kind of parenting advice did Mom #2 give Vaginal Dryness Lady.

    Also, I'd rather be Mom #2 as, if I was a kid, I would be mortified if Mom #1 was within 100 yards of any of my sporting events.

  25. Sarahf
    March 20, 2011 | 7:21 am

    #2 is way funnier and much less embarrassing. At least, on this occasion.

  26. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    March 20, 2011 | 8:44 am

    As a longtime hockey dad, I can say this was truly hilarious.

    I also can tell you that I know a hockey father who's been kicked out of several games because the refs penalized his son for knocking kids unconcious.

    Don't assume it was me, either.

  27. The Girlie Blog
    March 20, 2011 | 8:59 am

    Well, at least the second mom is honest :)

  28. Bouncin' Barb
    March 20, 2011 | 9:43 am

    Since it's hockey I can't say anything. But when Mike was in basketball, he used to say the loudest parents were his. We were so happy he found something he was good at and we cheered him and the team on. They won the championship 2 years ina row. Now that's not to say during 1/2 time and time outs, that I didn't know who was having marital issues, who was screwing who behind spouses back, etc. You can do both!!! haha. Sandra, you are the best!

  29. Anonymous
    March 20, 2011 | 10:32 am

    Thanks for the belly laugh…you just made my day.

  30. Mamma has spoken
    March 20, 2011 | 11:06 am

    WOW you just described me in two parts. Yes I was the mom in the stands with cow bells, ringing them every time my sons made a good play on the football field. But I was also the mom who was in deep discussion about many interesting things, but not vagnial dryness. Mainly which mom was coach soandso sleeping with this time.

  31. Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry
    March 20, 2011 | 12:02 pm

    This had me cracking up!
    LOL!

    Happy Sunday!
    Betty

    PS i've posted a freaking hilarious vid if you'd like to see.

  32. jules
    March 20, 2011 | 12:32 pm

    Second Mom all the way. She still has her own life! I love second Mom!

  33. jules
    March 20, 2011 | 12:32 pm

    Second Mom all the way. She still has her own life! I love second Mom!

  34. Snake
    March 20, 2011 | 1:15 pm

    Vaginal dryness huh? At a hockey game? LOL BTW, “offside” is when an offensive player enters the offensive zone before the puck, then touches it . . . BTW #2, a team I once coached (basketball, not hockey), ranked all the moms for MILF potential . . . Of course, I mean players only . . . I didn't get a vote . . . Ciao baby!

  35. Jeannie
    March 20, 2011 | 1:20 pm

    Ha! Second Mom would have been me if I'd let my boys play hockey. But I did not want to freeze my ass off so I signed them up for soccer and then I was that 2nd Mom but not usually freezing my ass off.

  36. bluzdude
    March 20, 2011 | 1:36 pm

    Oh, there is no assuming which mother you are…

    And as a former player of kid-sports, (when I was a kid, not, like… last week), I can tell you that the “2nd mother” is far better. The kids don't want to hear from you at all during the game. All they want from you is to be taken out for a treat after the game.

  37. Ms.Wasteland
    March 20, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    The second mother sounds like me!

  38. Hilary
    March 20, 2011 | 2:13 pm

    Wait.. I think you sat beside me once..

    You crack me up.. thanks for that. :)

  39. dddiva
    March 20, 2011 | 2:29 pm

    Stepford mom vs the rest of us? Hmm wonder whom I'd choose? ;)

  40. Ange
    March 20, 2011 | 2:37 pm

    I will admit that I am the second mother. Actually, I am the third. I am the mother that talks the hubby into taking the boys to their games.

  41. Julianna
    March 20, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    Oh. Phew.

    I thought you'd seen me at the boy's dodegeball tournement last week.

    Youngest took lats place. :(

    Oldest pulled a trophy for fourth place out of his ass (no not literally) and I'm still not sure how it happened….

    …since I was playing cel phone games the majority of the first weeks… hey, it's TWO hours of other kids playing and about 30 minutes of mine… and I was on a roll with my highest scores ever…

  42. Demented Duchess
    March 20, 2011 | 2:49 pm

    I think I'm BFF's with second mom, just sayin'…..we'd totally go home after the game and let the kids run around all feral like as we shoot the shit over a couple of beers. (I'm too fucking classy for wine, even boxed)

  43. Carri
    March 20, 2011 | 3:38 pm

    The first mom? Needs to get a life. The second mom? Is fucking awesome. I'm so glad I live in California, where everyone hates hockey. I'd freeze my ass off.

  44. Bossy Betty
    March 20, 2011 | 3:44 pm

    Mommy #2 sounds like a writer's dream….

  45. Lola
    March 20, 2011 | 4:27 pm

    I wasn't even aware that there was a type of mother OTHER than Mom #2 until you brought it up. I just assumed we were the norm.

    I was never happier than when my kid decided he hated football. Too fucking cold out there. And my fingers can't text in the cold…or with gloves on.

    By the way, “off side”? That's like the OPPOSITE of our ON side which is the same as our GOOD side, right? But this term doesn't pertain to you and I because both sides are excellent.

  46. 7ladybugz
    March 20, 2011 | 5:29 pm

    Totally second mom! Ask my kids and they will tell you that I will find someone that is not paying attention to the game and then we get on like a house on fire!
    OK so cheering when you aren't supposed to is frowned upon, as is trying to do the wave with two demented women.. it is only a ripple then LOL

  47. Rita
    March 20, 2011 | 5:34 pm

    No experience with sports parenting at all. Don't any of them read books, writing letters, or listen to books on tape? ;)

  48. The Minute Man's Wife
    March 20, 2011 | 5:36 pm

    Whose assuming? I think we all know you well enough!

  49. Mrs. Beer
    March 20, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    Mom #2's kids are going to be awesome in life. Mom #1's kids are going to be living at home for a looonnggg time. Truth.

  50. Antares Cryptos
    March 20, 2011 | 5:40 pm

    Funny. TMI. Still funny.

  51. Cindy
    March 20, 2011 | 5:49 pm

    this cracks me up because I was Mom #1….because I am a social misfit and it's safer for me to more I to the game..hehehehe.
    as always thanks for the laugh

  52. Deborah
    March 20, 2011 | 6:21 pm

    I love that you have the courage to say what so many of us are thinking! I used to feel so guilty when I was secretly grateful for a loss so the season could finally come to an end. Love the post! :)

  53. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    March 20, 2011 | 6:50 pm

    I agree, the second mother sounds way more awesome, why should we assume that's you?

  54. purplume
    March 20, 2011 | 7:13 pm

    I think there are even more kinds of mothers. #2 is so real and fun.
    Maybe #1's kids don't need fun, just a whole lotts security or something.
    #2 seems so tuned in to her kids that she can multitask and still get the important contacts with her children.
    I'm just sayin'

  55. dosweatthesmallstuff
    March 20, 2011 | 7:20 pm

    All I know is that I hate mother #1. I know one just like her. Her daughter attends the same ballet classes as mine. In fact, I disliked her so much I nicknamed her Mrs. Elesha Fitch. Elegant, Shallow Fuggin' Bitch.

  56. The Constant Complainer
    March 20, 2011 | 7:27 pm

    I just want to tell some of these idiot parents to put their cell phones down, stop texting and pay attention to their kids (or in this case, ther kids' games). If they're doing that in public, imagine them at home – probably reading magazines or texting while nothing gets done.

  57. dbs
    March 20, 2011 | 7:32 pm

    Whichever. Whatever. You're still cool.

  58. becca
    March 20, 2011 | 7:48 pm

    i want to sit next to mom #2

  59. XLMIC
    March 20, 2011 | 9:04 pm

    LMAO. I am leaning against and over the shoulder of mom #2 (who sounds like best friend material), trying to get some body heat while intently eavesdropping on the dry vag convo…. being perimenopausal myself ;-) That is, if I actually remembered when the game started. I would be more likely to show up either as everyone is leaving OR the next day at the right time, wondering what the f was going on.

  60. Mandy_Fish
    March 20, 2011 | 9:10 pm

    If you're not the second mother I'm unsubscribing.

  61. Mrs. Tuna
    March 20, 2011 | 9:19 pm

    I would guess you could be either mother, just how close or far you you are from your period.

  62. Cynthia
    March 20, 2011 | 10:08 pm

    Well If you don't want me to assume your Mom# 2 I will have to assume your Vaginal Dryness mom, and well … I really don't want to go there.

  63. Jenner
    March 20, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    I loved this post. That's just how I would be, too. Second Mom rules!

  64. WhisperingWriter
    March 21, 2011 | 12:17 am

    I'd be friends with Mom #2 for sure.

  65. myevil3yearold
    March 21, 2011 | 12:53 am

    I am totally the first mom and you are totally the second mom. But, without you I would have no one to laugh at and you would have no one to borrow a blanket from

  66. MommaKiss
    March 21, 2011 | 12:59 am

    my 5 yr old is interested in hockey. i'm not at all looking forward to chilly asses and having to pay attention. can i sit next to you?

  67. The Onion
    March 21, 2011 | 1:23 am

    This sounds very similar to basketball without the freezing asses, or soccer in Wyoming, WITH the freezing asses.

    Sometimes we sneak in booze.

  68. Kimberly
    March 21, 2011 | 1:35 am

    You're neither cause you'd be still stuck in the bathroom checking out your abs…BOOM ;)

  69. Ameena
    March 21, 2011 | 2:45 am

    I love being with people who shock me so definitely the 2nd mother would be who I'd sit with.

    You never cease to shock me or crack me up Sandra! That's why I love your blog.

  70. The Vegetable Assassin
    March 21, 2011 | 4:58 am

    I wouldn't dream of thinking you were mom number two, but if you should…you know…BE FRIENDS WITH mom number 2 can you ask if I can hire her to have some words with the chick in the Polo Park Mall today who I overheard telling some other chick that “his was so big I couldn't fit it all in.”, because I didn't catch the end of the story once she'd passed me. Mom number 2 sounds like she'd get to the nitty gritty of this story better than I would and report back.

    Of course she could have been talking about a big couch in a small living room or something in which case, meh.

  71. pattypunker
    March 21, 2011 | 2:14 pm

    mom #1 probably had cut-up fruit, yogurts, and energy bars in between games. all of which i would totally steal from the kids if i were hungry and there wasn't a hoagie joint nearby.

  72. Secret Mom Thoughts
    March 21, 2011 | 3:57 pm

    The second mom definitely is more fun to write about. Hope you had fun at the game.

  73. The Adorkable Ditz
    March 21, 2011 | 5:13 pm

    Don't be denying Sandra I know you weren't the first one, so you had to be the second one.

    Funny talking about that at a hocky game where that kind of cold and ice makes everything dry.

  74. DCHY
    March 21, 2011 | 5:37 pm

    Thanks for the grin. ;)

  75. meleah rebeccah
    March 21, 2011 | 6:05 pm

    HA! I definitely like the other 2nd mother. MUCH BETTER!

  76. powdergirl
    March 21, 2011 | 7:02 pm

    You're STILL in hockey play-offs??

    We wrapped up a week ago and thankyoubabyjesus for that.

    I'm the second Mom type, except I'm usually talking about shoes instead of dry vagina's and I always carry my dead-sexy hockey blanket.

  77. Poppy
    March 21, 2011 | 7:06 pm

    If hockey were popular here, I'd have to pretend it were too dangerous or something because no way I'd be freezing my ass off, but I'm always up for a vaginal dryness discussion. Good times.

  78. Cake Betch
    March 21, 2011 | 7:12 pm

    If I were the kid I would want Mom #1. If I'm the booze drinking, foul mouthed person that I actually am I would want Mom #2.

  79. Lizbeth
    March 21, 2011 | 7:41 pm

    I'm sitting with mom #2. Seriously, who wants to get knocked in the head by a foam finger anyway?

  80. Crystal Escobar
    March 21, 2011 | 8:35 pm

    Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. I think I may have been the other mom at my daughters last soccer game. Ooops :)

  81. Meg at the Members Lounge
    March 22, 2011 | 12:20 am

    The second Mom had a flask, and the correct attitude. I myself have been known to carry nips to the nephews hockey games. Keeps me calm so I don't go all bad ass on the crazy people who think 8 year olds should be playing professional level hockey!

  82. Stephanie
    March 22, 2011 | 3:07 am

    HILARIOUS. But I want to be BOTH. I want my kid to think I'm waiving a finger but secretly be talking about someone ELSE's sex life! Haha.

  83. Jill
    March 22, 2011 | 3:32 am

    So which were you?

  84. Ginger
    March 22, 2011 | 8:52 pm

    I really thot you were the first Mom before the talk about Vayjays and I was like sigh That's Sandra. You can rock both roles anyway. I am sure of that.

  85. Linda Medrano
    March 23, 2011 | 1:46 am

    Sandra (shakes head) you are my favorite. Probably ever.

  86. Making It Work Mom
    March 23, 2011 | 4:54 pm

    Oh God we just sat through Hockey playoffs. It was a little insane and intense for a bunch of 9 year olds.

    What about the mother who only goes to the playoff games (because it is cold in those skating rinks and they do play early on the weekends) and who the other mothers try to include in their little hockey mom group, but honestly she could care less because all she wants to be is be home in her PJs with her laptop on the couch watching Toddlers and Tiaras-
    Uh not that I know this mother.

  87. Kato
    March 23, 2011 | 5:24 pm

    Ugh. Who wants to be the first whiny, brown-noser mom?

    No fun.

  88. Nari
    March 23, 2011 | 10:11 pm

    All I know is, an 11 year old dirty ho, would never grow up to be mom number one.

    I have never been mom number one and I am assuming my kids are grateful for that. Think about it, that made for one less opportunity for me to embarrass (or as they call it: emotionally scar) them.

  89. Sparkling
    March 25, 2011 | 12:39 am

    i so vote for that 2nd mother. this is one thing k-ster and i will never see eye to eye on. i don't care about sports. i dont' care to spend my every waking moment on the side of some sporting event getting all worked about my kid's sport. my mother used to drop me off at all of my activities. and came to the recitals. that's what real parents do. drop their kids off and pick them up (most of the time..) and then go to the finals. all the in between stuff? who cares. they will survive. we did.

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