Pillow talk

…you probably think that based on the title, I’m going to be giving intimate details of my sex life.

Nope.

Instead though, I’m going to address the point I made the other day when describing my charming quirks in this post about the fact that I don’t speak to my husband after 7pm.
Many of you wanted to know why.

There are a few reasons, the primary one being that by 7pm, I don’t really want to talk to anyone.
Unless you have four wives, a toddler parading around a stage in the equivalent of teeny-tiny lingerie, or are a train wreck of a teen mother who punches the baby-daddy in the face every chance you get, I don’t want to hear from you.

Also, my husband is usually plunked in front of the other tv watching hockey.

Also, my husband isn’t exactly the most thrilling conversationalist.

This is not to say I don’t enjoy him.
I do.
He has the best sense of humour, and makes me laugh, and honestly, that’s all I need: make me laugh a couple times of day, then leave me alone.

Anyway, our quality time is spent on Saturday and Sunday mornings in our bed.
And again, this is not the part where I launch into our sexual escapades.

We have four kids.

Anything remotely sexy during daylight hours is impossible, since our time spent in the privacy of our bedroom is usually a time in which the children are piled outside the door trying to see through the glass.

But during weekend mornings, Wayne and I lay in bed, listening to the sound of kids spilling Fruit Loops on the kitchen floor, and yelling, “Mooom! The dog pooped in the living room!”

This Saturday, during our quality time, Wayne said to me, “I like hanging out with you. We should do it more often.”

I replied, “No. I’m good.”

“What? Why don’t you want to spend more time with me?”

“Because all you talk about is sports. Whenever I bring up a subject, you ask me something stupid, like: Did I notice that you changed my headlight?”

“Well, did you notice?”

“See. That doesn’t interest me.”

So he says, “What if we go out today on a date?”

“Nope. Don’t need to go on a date with you either.”

“Why?” He’s not upset or angry, because he doesn’t really want to go on a date with me.
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he probably remembered Toronto was playing.

Still I answer, “I don’t like going on dates with you. The last time we had a “date,” you took me to Home Depot to look at toilets.”

“That’s not all!”

“And light fixtures.”

“And bathtubes.”

Right.
The bathtubes.
How could I forget.

You’re probably thinking I should be thrilled because it sounds like he’s going to remodel our bathroom, right?
Nope.
He’s been taking me to Home Depot on dates for four years now.

Anytime I say to him, “Ok, enough looking. Let’s buy something!” he replies, “Did you notice, I changed your headlight?”

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79 Responses to Pillow talk
  1. The Writer Currently Known as Rory
    March 22, 2011 | 12:19 am

    I'm on the opposite side of this. All I want in my life is a woman who orgasms at the sight of a Barnes & Noble. And I'll be happy, as long as it's not related to the structure of the store and completely connected to the books inside.

  2. Mamma has spoken
    March 22, 2011 | 12:20 am

    Seriously, a bedroom door with glass in it? God you don't have a sex life at all do you unless it's dark, with all the kids asleep. Or maybe you are one of those who like to put on a show? Either way you need to rethink that door. Maybe then conversations might get more interesting ;o)

  3. SuzRocks
    March 22, 2011 | 12:20 am

    Most importantly, how DO you get him to change your headlight? One of mine's out and my husband says that if I'm not going to iron, he doesn't have to work on my car.

    Not quite sure how to win this one without starting to iron.

  4. Teresa Evangeline
    March 22, 2011 | 12:28 am

    Funny stuff. Still laughing.

  5. Bouncin' Barb
    March 22, 2011 | 12:29 am

    Oh how I love Love. Opposites do attract. The simple things that turn us on might be so stupid to others but to us it's so cool. You guys have killer sex though. I just know it! Hugs!!!!

  6. Julianna
    March 22, 2011 | 12:30 am

    I have the same bedroom door!

    Tip: Buy clear textured contact paper and apply it to the inside of the glass panes. It lets the light shine through, but you can't see in… even when their faces are pressed up against it…. or when the light shines through.

    and now I'm gonna hit publish so I can make the top ten comments :)

  7. Saimi
    March 22, 2011 | 12:30 am

    I suppose if you praise him for changing your headlight you might get a decent date out of him.

    You: “Honey why don't we try out that new headlight you changed and go to dinner tonight…without the kids!”

    Him: “For dessert can we go to home depot?”

  8. Cheeseboy
    March 22, 2011 | 12:40 am

    So, who was winning the hockey game?

  9. Misfits Vintage
    March 22, 2011 | 12:49 am

    What the crap is a bathtube?

  10. XLMIC
    March 22, 2011 | 12:57 am

    The picture of the forlorn child…LOL! We have 4 kids, too. But I find that daylight hours when the kids are at school and the baby is napping is really the only time I have the energy and focus for messing around! I have been on those same dates w/ my contractor-husband…would prob be more fun for you and me if we doubled :)

  11. Rebecca
    March 22, 2011 | 1:01 am

    Sounds like Kevin and I. He talks about crazy things like bank accounts that makes my brain fall into a coma…..azzzzzzz just writing that made me lose a few brain cells.

  12. Nicky
    March 22, 2011 | 1:08 am

    Ok, I've restrained myself in the past because I know you hate hockey, but I'm from Montreal and I HAVE to say it: TORONTO? Seriously? I wouldn't want to spend time with him either!

  13. KittyCat
    March 22, 2011 | 1:19 am

    Your living my life. Except no little kids.
    I watch tv at night in the bedroom and the sportsman in the living room.
    and its no secret that hes called the sportsman cause our life is all about sports.

    LOL

  14. Raven
    March 22, 2011 | 1:20 am

    I'm single. I'm ok with that, it doesn't sound like I'm missing much.

    Oh, and to The Writer Currently Known as Rory-I don't orgasm over Barnes & Noble, but that's only cuz I'm too busy orgasming over Half Price Books. ;)

  15. myevil3yearold
    March 22, 2011 | 1:21 am

    1. What is a bathtube?
    2. Why do you have a glass door?
    3. Can I steal your 7:00 o'clock rule for my house?

  16. Mama Zen
    March 22, 2011 | 1:26 am

    I have to change my own headlights . . .

  17. Gigi
    March 22, 2011 | 1:28 am

    A glass bedroom door?? Seriously?

    And yeah, I don't want to talk to anyone after 7:00 pm either.

    And, yay!? I think I beat the other “gigi” to commenting….

  18. laughingmom
    March 22, 2011 | 1:36 am

    You need to find a Home Depot that is next to a good restaurant and a movie theatre!

  19. cakeologist
    March 22, 2011 | 2:00 am

    Home Depot sounds like a great date to me! Birthday, anniversary, mother's day – you name it, that is where all my gifts come from.

    Who puts a glass door on their bedroom…now that I think about it – I believe my sister has a glass door on her bedroom too.

    I have to change my own headlights…and my husbands.

  20. Bless My Bitchy Heart
    March 22, 2011 | 2:05 am

    So so funny and I so so GET it. My hubbs always waits for his head pat after checking the oil & tire pressure before he leaves town. LOVE your posts!

  21. Coffeypot
    March 22, 2011 | 2:07 am

    I don’t care about your Home Depot dates. You had me at Pillow Talk. I’m all up (no pun intended – yet) for a few post about your sexcapades. I just hope they are better than his dating techniques.

  22. " Hit It......."
    March 22, 2011 | 2:12 am

    Very funny post.

    My hubby views “The Home Depot” as our alone time. It is the only time the kids don't want to go with us!

  23. Lazarus
    March 22, 2011 | 2:16 am

    Sandra, in Wayne's defense, I just changed my headlight today, coincidentally, and it's not easy. You have to really twist your arm around in there and grab at just the right stuff (remember: I'm talking changing headlights here, not “pillow talk” about sex…) and make sure you stick it in the right hole. It's not easy! Oh, and then you have to make sure the darn thing gets turned on…

  24. The Empress
    March 22, 2011 | 2:21 am

    I know, I know.

    Our dates are HOME DEPOT and then a beer at a sports bar.

    Wish I were kidding…

  25. Sarahf
    March 22, 2011 | 2:39 am

    Your dog poops on the living room floor? Ours pees. Which stains, by the way. How do you stop them doing that?

  26. The Writer Currently Known as Rory
    March 22, 2011 | 2:55 am

    Oh, and to The Writer Currently Known as Rory-I don't orgasm over Barnes & Noble, but that's only cuz I'm too busy orgasming over Half Price Books. ;)

    How about a date? I'll show you my illustrious account on abebooks.com, too. ;)

  27. Kristina P.
    March 22, 2011 | 2:57 am

    Are we actually talking about headlights here?

  28. Rebecca
    March 22, 2011 | 2:59 am

    Hi Sandra, Thanks for visiting my blog! I have been loyally following yours, and you always give me a humorous dose of the reality of my future as a mom! I just posted some pictures of my new maternity clothes, I hope you laugh too! xoxo Rebecca

  29. Stephanie
    March 22, 2011 | 3:10 am

    Is headlights a euphemism for something here? lol

  30. The Writer Currently Known as Rory
    March 22, 2011 | 3:11 am

    Is headlights a euphemism for something here? lol

    Like on a car? Headlights. What's with all the giggling? ;)

  31. Alessandra
    March 22, 2011 | 3:26 am

    So you have the glass door because you have 4 kids, or do you have it because you didn't want to go for 5? either way, you've got to change it, and maybe your dates won't all end up at Home Depot….lol
    I love this post, you're too funny.

  32. Jill
    March 22, 2011 | 3:30 am

    Wayne seems like a really nice guy. You're lucky!

  33. Ninja Mike
    March 22, 2011 | 3:34 am

    You married folk sure are a strange bunch.

    The ninja tries dating, you're along for the ride:
    WhatWouldNinjaDo

  34. On My Soapbox
    March 22, 2011 | 3:37 am

    Hmmmm, I think you need to redefine what a “date” is.

  35. The Writer Currently Known as Rory
    March 22, 2011 | 3:40 am

    Hmmmm, I think you need to redefine what a “date” is.

    Simple. Illicit sex at Home Depot. ;)

  36. Nicole
    March 22, 2011 | 3:46 am

    I get you. But we do talk at night. Well, rather, I talk and he sleeps. But it works for us.

  37. Rita
    March 22, 2011 | 3:49 am

    I know this is redundant, but a glass bedroom door?!

    I love seeing when you have a new post. I know I will find me a giggle or three. ;)

  38. Impulsive Addict
    March 22, 2011 | 4:07 am

    Our husbands would get along PERFECTLY.

    But I still love our pillow talk!

  39. dbs
    March 22, 2011 | 4:28 am

    Are you sure this wasn't of a sexual nature. I mean…headlights…and bathtubes….hanging out…etc? Okay yeah, just stupid, I know. I have kids too.

  40. Yvonne
    March 22, 2011 | 4:36 am

    “Pillow-talk” is awesome on a rainy Sunday morning, right after the incredible sex of course! Oh wait. This isn't about me is it? -Alright, what's with the glass door? That's not really your bedroom door is it? ;)

  41. Patty Chang Anker
    March 22, 2011 | 4:50 am

    Sandra, your blog is hilarious!! The forlorn look on your kids faces is priceless (who wouldn't want a glass door just to have the satisfaction of seeing who's not allowed in?). But privacy glass would be best – you can see them (nyah nyah) but they can't see what you're up to. I may have to look into that myself…:)

  42. The Vegetable Assassin
    March 22, 2011 | 4:58 am

    Tell him you're taking him to Home Depot to look at window fixings then instead, drive to a motel and have a dirty by-the-hour romp. Maybe you could wear the pink hockey jersey so he's not TOO disappointed. Solved. :)

  43. Jessica
    March 22, 2011 | 5:04 am

    Why do you have a glass bedroom door? That would drive me crazy. I don't blame you for not wanting to go on a date with your husband if it involves a trip to Home Depot.

  44. Pearl
    March 22, 2011 | 5:11 am

    Hi Sandra! My husband is like Wayne. His usual hang out was Home depot when we were in Hawaii. But shifted to the same type of store (menard's and lowe's) when we moved in Iowa. His idea of shopping/dating is going to these stores:-(

  45. Ludicrous Mama
    March 22, 2011 | 7:32 am

    We don't even HAVE a door. We only have one child, but she sleeps with us. I feel like I'm cheating on her when we sneak out into the hallway (or computer room, or couch… anywhere without cat vomit or dirty diapers) for some quality time after she's asleep.

  46. becca
    March 22, 2011 | 10:45 am

    a glass door really so not happening for me and i love you have dates to home depot it's our favorite hang out to.

  47. SkippyMom
    March 22, 2011 | 11:14 am

    I appreciate this. I do – we just happen to be different and like to hang out all the time, even to the point that I am now [suffering] through March Madness because I would rather have my hubs in the room then in the family room watching TV.

    Then again, he hangs out while I blog, so we're even. heehee

    And everyone is asking what is a bathtube. What I want to know is what is a sex life?

    I said we spend time together. I never said it was of some sort of QUALITY time. ::wink::

  48. -stephanie-
    March 22, 2011 | 12:23 pm

    I think your next post is going to have to be on why you have a glass door for your bedroom.
    Narcissism at it's finest if you want everyone to see you. ;o)

  49. DCHY
    March 22, 2011 | 2:03 pm

    At least he notices your headlights… ;)

  50. stephanie
    March 22, 2011 | 2:12 pm

    My husband takes me to Lowe's. It's romantic. {insert eye roll here}

  51. Cake Betch
    March 22, 2011 | 2:22 pm

    Hahahahaha a bedroom with glass doors? That's either terrifying or totally kinky.

  52. TexaGermaNadian
    March 22, 2011 | 2:41 pm

    Hmmm, I am thinking this no convo thing after 7pm is genius. The hubs and I don't even have kids yet, but this practice just shutting the heck up might do us some good. Thanks for the advice, haha, oh and the laughs :)
    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

  53. Marissa
    March 22, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    See, the problem is, he's taking you to look at the wrong things at Home Depot. He should have you checking out the hoses, PVC pipes, wood.

  54. Mandy_Fish
    March 22, 2011 | 3:12 pm

    OMG that picture is cracking me up. We don't have a lock on our bedroom and I had to remind my child this weekend that he needs to knock first.

    *Clears throat*

  55. Shell
    March 22, 2011 | 3:29 pm

    LMAO! Sounds like you have quality time together. ;)

  56. Holly Ruggiero
    March 22, 2011 | 3:48 pm

    At least the romance isn’t dead.

  57. Roxy
    March 22, 2011 | 3:50 pm

    What is sex?

    Anyway, yeah we have had those Home Depot dates too where we look at stuff and buy nothing.

    Our anniversary is two days before xmas. We have spent many of those nights xmas shopping at Walmart late at night.

  58. PBJdreamer
    March 22, 2011 | 4:53 pm

    what is a bathtube?

    Sort of like a waterslide that gets you clean??

    that is all

  59. Melissa
    March 22, 2011 | 5:13 pm

    So did you notice he changed your headlight?
    LOL…that is hilarious! Hubs and I go on a date every Monday…every Monday we go eat Mexican…every Monday night I try to convince him to sleep in the guest room because he stinks!

  60. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    March 22, 2011 | 5:15 pm

    Holy crap wits, I still can't believe you go to Home Depot for dates!

  61. Lightning Bug's Butt
    March 22, 2011 | 7:49 pm

    Sounds like the foundation for a healthy marriage!

  62. Ginger
    March 22, 2011 | 8:57 pm

    Now I know why there is a 7pm conversation curfew. lol.

  63. Kelley
    March 22, 2011 | 9:28 pm

    You definitely have to keep that curfew because, if you didn't, you might not have time for us and, really, aren't we more important??

  64. Monkey Man
    March 22, 2011 | 10:34 pm

    Did the candle lit table in the Plumbing aisle bother the sales associates at Home Depot? Did they bring over the fixtures and tell you the year and vintage while explaining the subtleties of the dimmer? They do that when I take Mrs MM to HD. She is always thrilled.

  65. myinnerchick.com
    March 22, 2011 | 11:15 pm

    OMG, where have you been hiding? Great stuff :) )

  66. Bibliomama
    March 23, 2011 | 12:22 am

    I so hear you. Every night while I'm reading in bed my husband comes up and asks if I need anything and I snarl at him amiably. Because I never do. If I did I would ask. It's bitchy and ungrateful, but he should KNOW this by now.

  67. MommaKiss
    March 23, 2011 | 1:32 am

    i'd rather Brazilian, to be honest.

  68. Linda Medrano
    March 23, 2011 | 1:49 am

    Morning sex is always the best. Too bad only the fish man and I know that. No, Alex is not a fish man.

  69. Queen B
    March 23, 2011 | 2:01 am

    this is going to be a long comment because sometimes I read a post and get narcissistic myself and think that I really should tell MY story on someone else's blog, too ;)

    I would prefer not to talk to my husband before 11am. He is not a morning person, I am typically happy more than not before I've faced the world, and his grumpy-ass mood brings me down. In fact, today is my birthday, and he (the chef) wanted to make me breakfast for my birthday. I sat there for a few minutes at 6:30am contemplating if it would be more of a present to me for him to make me breakfast or for me not to have to wake him up. I woke him up and regretted that decision for the next hour.

    I also like the no-talking-after-7pm idea. TV relaxes me a lot more after a long day than listening to him. Plus, it makes those special moments when you're actually spontaneously enjoying each other's company all the more special!

  70. anSeL
    March 23, 2011 | 2:07 am

    so funny!
    esp. the glass door. dates? what dates?

  71. 7ladybugz
    March 23, 2011 | 2:32 am

    I am fortunate in that my hubby deals with the vehicles. I drive them with one headlight until it ticks him off enough to change it LOL

  72. Making It Work Mom
    March 23, 2011 | 5:03 pm

    The only words my hubby and I say to each other after 7PM is when he kisses me goodnight to go to bed. He always asks when I am coming to bed- really like it matters? Just saying!

    I think you two have it all figured out!

  73. Kato
    March 23, 2011 | 5:20 pm

    BAHAHAHA!!!

    You make me laugh woman.

  74. Nari
    March 23, 2011 | 10:22 pm

    I mostly like to be left alone in the evenings as well.

    Quality time and catching up on the day must be done when I first come home from work and over dinner or it will just to have to wait until the next day.

    I prefer to think of myself as childless and single by nightfall. And I don't wish to be reminded otherwise.

  75. gayle
    March 23, 2011 | 11:58 pm

    I guess I should praise my husband for not being a sports fan!!

  76. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    March 24, 2011 | 5:42 am

    My wife and I banned our kids from our bedroom from day one. They are not allowed to set foot in it ever, even if they're sick, or they've made us breakfast. They can't even look in it, which is why we'd never have a glass door.

    As for Home Depot, I generally go there by myself to escape domestic bliss. I wander, unthinking, amongst the barbecues and lighting fixtures, dreaming of freedom and the open road. Sometimes, I also buy a roll of duct tape. Duct tape is very handy, as you might have heard.

  77. Deborah
    March 24, 2011 | 12:25 pm

    My wasband and I used to go into the garage and use the hood of my ancient (and very cool) Malibu to get away from the chillins.

    You and Wayne are adorable.

  78. Sparkling
    March 25, 2011 | 11:21 am

    don't have much to say about this except that i laughed all the way through and that picture of your son is what i deal with day and in day out as a middle school teacher. snide face and all!

    i thought about you the entire time i was writing my post about uggs yesterday.

  79. Lisa
    March 26, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    OMW! This sounds like me and my husband. I'm a new follower. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

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