So last night I took my daughter and her friend to see the movie “Never Say Never”.
Yes, that’s the Justin Bieber film.
I’ll admit that I like his songs.
I think he’s a cutie.
My oldest son outright refused to come see the movie with us claiming that he didn’t want to see some bullshit story about a poor kid who makes it rich in the big bad world…
…he didn’t say the word “bullshit.”
Only I’m allowed to say “bullshit.”
So I’m sitting there, watching the movie, and honestly, I was mesmerized.
That little fucker has so much stage presence and personality, I wanted to jump up in my seat and throw my panties at the big screen.
What is he? Like 16?
And there I was swooning at his sexy little smile.
Frankly it was embarrassing.
And I’m embarrassed.
Yet, there I was watching, torn between wanting to scold him for being so goddamn hyper – the fucken kid never stops. During one scene he’s in a hotel room and he’s bouncing from one bed to the other.
And if that was my kid, I’d be like, “Stop fucken jumping on the bed!”
But then, his gorgeous 3D face is close up to mine, and I’m thinking, “Me love you long time.”
Creepy! I know!
I AM creeping myself out!
But then the movie skips back to scenes of him and his friends running through the park, carrying on like the kids that they are, and I’m thinking, “Just shut the fuck up already! You’re so hyper, you’re driving me batty!”
And then we see him on stage holding Miley Cyrus by the waist…
…and I’m thinking, “Nail her! Just nail her already!”
How can a boy that age ooze so much sexuality?
My teenager oozes about as much sexuality as Cat in the Hat.
Here’s the kicker: I get home, and for kicks, I add Justin Bieber on my Twitter account.
The little fucker is FOLLOWING ME BACK!
And instead of being even more ashamed at my pedophilic behaviour, I squeal like a teenager, “Justin Bieber wants me!”
Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure my current behaviour is purely driven by the menopausal hormones zipping through my crotch.
In approximately 4-6 days, I should be back to my old prim and proper self.