Don’t get your wiener wet

So tonight I had to drive my fifteen year old son, Wyatt, to his school so he could take pictures of some event.
We had to pick up his friend on the way.

The problem, however, lies in the fact that Wyatt hates me when he’s with his friend.
Sure, on occasion, I may have said or done things that may or may not have embarrassed him…but honestly, I thought it was cool to out him as a Gleek! Honest!

So tonight I tried my best to just shut up and drive.
Not as easy as it sounds.
Because I’m fun.
Like I’m really fun.
I bop to the music.
I sing out loud.
I yell out, “Everybody, sing it with me!”

Apparently, this is not acceptable when a child other than my own is in the vehicle.

And normally, I’d say, “Too bad buddy, you were attached to my tit for the first three weeks of your life, you will sing “Don’t Stop Believing!” “

But Wyatt is going through that awkward, trying to find himself stage.

He feels his identity lies in a striped woolen tuque that he wears ALL THE TIME.

And personally, I think it’s more likely to give him the identity of ‘Where’s Waldo,’ but in an effort to be supportive, and I figure it’s not like he’s carrying around a bong, I say nothing.
…Much.
…Well as little as possible.

This is a really hard relationship for me to accept.
He’s a deeply intellectual boy with deep thoughts.
And well, I like writing about testicles.

My thirteen year old and I are perfect for each other because we giggle at the mention of any body part preceeded by the word ‘dirty’: ie. dirty armpit, dirty feet, dirty nose, dirty ass…I get to say ‘ass,’ the 13 year old doesn’t, but we really bond over that one.

Ok, so back to driving.

I am saying nothing.
At first.

But I’m bored.
So I start channel surfing through the radio stations.
I land on the 70s station, and “Band on the Run” is playing.

How can I NOT sing along? How? How? How?

So I sing along. But quietly. Like church-mouse quiet.
But Wyatt is giving me that sideways “I hate your guts” look.
So I stop.

But then a commercial comes on the radio, and the commercial lady says, “Make sure the water from your eavestrough doesn’t fall on your __________.”

Jubilant, I look over at Wyatt.
“Did you hear that?” I say.
Staring straight ahead, no doubt afraid one wrong move and I’ll open my window and hang my head outside like a dog, Wyatt replies, “Nope.”

The boy with us though, says, “Yes. It said, “Make sure the water from your eavestrough doesn’t fall on your meter.”

Giggling I say, “Oh!”
Giggle giggle.

“Wyatt, do you want to hear what I heard?”
Refraining from any eye contact less I explode with glee, he replies, “Nope.”

Sorry. I CANNOT help myself!

I blurt out: “I thought I heard, ‘Make sure the water from your eavestrough doesn’t fall on your weiner!”

Well I did hear that!

He hates me.

But that was so worth it!

Did you like this? Share it:
92 Responses to Don’t get your wiener wet
  1. Jenner
    March 23, 2011 | 4:13 am

    I need to get some sleep. My first thought when I read “Don't get your weiner wet” was how bad my Dachshund stinks when she is out in the rain. Booyah.

  2. Coffeypot
    March 23, 2011 | 4:14 am

    Every middle teenager hates their parents. And that makes it fun to aggravate them. Party on, mom.

  3. Hilary
    March 23, 2011 | 4:22 am

    Isn't the whole purpose of having kids is so that we can embarrass them? That and so they can fetch things for us. You're too funny.

  4. Laoch of Chicago
    March 23, 2011 | 4:23 am

    From a male perspective, it is definitely not cool to out him as a gleek to his friends.

  5. Lazarus
    March 23, 2011 | 4:39 am

    I think I read somewhere that Wyatt is applying for American citizenship and wants to live with a family in San Diego. Don't let him go, we need these hilarious blog posts to keep coming!

  6. Ruth
    March 23, 2011 | 4:42 am

    Kiddo is always afraid me or her dad will embarrass her and yet she says we are cool parents.
    Teens.

  7. XLMIC
    March 23, 2011 | 4:45 am

    Having lived through SIX teenager-doms and soon embarking on the 7th, I so know that whole “be cool” parent thing… and am so not! lol

    I laughed so hard at this!

  8. Yvonne
    March 23, 2011 | 5:01 am

    I'm singing “Band on the Run” with you! I LOVE that song! Anyway, I enjoy reading how you torture your kids! lmao They'll laugh about it with you when they're older. Or not.

  9. Jessica
    March 23, 2011 | 5:20 am

    Hahaha…poor Waldo, I mean Wyatt. Can't catch a break at all.

  10. Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry
    March 23, 2011 | 6:02 am

    everyone knows that every middle teenager are embarrassed of their parents. (or hate).

    and it's great to see their faces! lol!

    “getting even”.

    thanks for the laugh.

  11. Kara Hoag
    March 23, 2011 | 6:05 am

    That's such bullshit. If one of his friends had made that joke he would have thought it was hilarious.

  12. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    March 23, 2011 | 6:05 am

    LOL I'd sing a long with you :)
    My youngest is 19 now has taken to saying on entering the car “just sit in the car and DON'T TALK” lol

  13. vanessa
    March 23, 2011 | 6:31 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  14. Rita
    March 23, 2011 | 6:53 am

    Still chuckling!! :) :)

  15. LilPixi
    March 23, 2011 | 7:15 am

    Where's Waldo. lmao
    Omg, you're so freakin' awesome, it hurts!! Baahaha!

  16. Raven
    March 23, 2011 | 7:37 am

    LMAO I so get what you mean. Sometimes you just can't contain yourself or you'll burst, no matter how embarrassed they are!

  17. Sarahf
    March 23, 2011 | 7:45 am

    Surely not singing to Band on the Run is a far worse crime. Keep on embarrassing them, it's funny. Because I'm not a teenager anymore.

  18. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
    March 23, 2011 | 7:54 am

    I sympathize with your son, but…

    He needs to get rid of that head gear.

    It would increase his sexual appeal by 25%.

    (:

  19. Tipsy - tipsyreader.com
    March 23, 2011 | 8:08 am

    I realize that I'm not a 15 year old boy, let alone your son, but Im surprised his friends aren't saying “your mom is so cool…and weird”

  20. Helle Kristine Tumbridge
    March 23, 2011 | 9:51 am

    No matter how cool you are, you'll never be cool to your kid. I think you're a cool mom, or mum, as we say. But then, I am 30.

  21. Gigi
    March 23, 2011 | 10:05 am

    Is it Band on the Run? And here, all these years I thought it was Man on the Run.

  22. Mamma has spoken
    March 23, 2011 | 11:23 am

    Just wait and keep in mind: He's the one who will be picking out which nursing home to put you in ;o)

  23. myevil3yearold
    March 23, 2011 | 11:42 am

    Now I've got that song stuck in my head.

  24. laughingmom
    March 23, 2011 | 11:46 am

    With my 15 year old, I've mastered singing at the top of my lungs inside my own head…I don't dare make a sound, but the lips are moving as if I was on center stage! It's hard to complain when you aren't actually making noise.

  25. Lola
    March 23, 2011 | 11:51 am

    SERIOUSLY? I think we are the same person. I kid you not. I mean, I TOO am SO much fun and just so damn funny. I am TOTALLY where the party's at.

    Umm…so what you are saying, if I understood this post correctly, is that when we sing and “seat dance” in the car….the kids REALLY DO hate that and aren't just PRETENDING to hate it to seem cool when in fact they know in their hearts that their moms are like the best time ever and are more hysterically funny than any of their lame friends? Just checking.

  26. Mark
    March 23, 2011 | 12:24 pm

    Oh my God, I can feel his pain from here. And now I just realize why I'm drawn to you. You are MY Mother. Oh no, it's all coming back to me now.
    Okay, I gotta go. I need to ring my therapist. This isn't good.
    m.

  27. Bouncin' Barb
    March 23, 2011 | 12:30 pm

    It's a right of passage when you have a teenager. I used to do it to my son because he always said I had no sense of humor. And yet when I did something goofy, he'd get all nasty. I loved it!

  28. Krissy
    March 23, 2011 | 12:54 pm

    I really think you are just doing your part to make sure that kid's blood pressure gets a shot of adrenaline every once in a while. It's good for the heart, right?!

  29. TheUnSoccerMom
    March 23, 2011 | 12:54 pm

    Kids give us many griefs and even more blessings. It's a-okay to embarrass them every now and then!!! ;o)

  30. Julianna
    March 23, 2011 | 1:03 pm

    My Dad still does this to me…

    I've been known to stick my fingers in my ears and start with the “La Te Da I can't hear you' in the middle of a resturaunt.

    What's worse? Almost Hubs AND my brother will inevitably get him going… and make it so much worse.

    There are moments, when I wish my family didn't like Almost Hubs so much. :)

  31. TKW
    March 23, 2011 | 1:30 pm

    My 16-year old stepson is often humiliated by my antics. He really hated me a few months ago, when he was failing Calculus because he wasn't turning in homework. So he was on weekend lockdown, forced to sit at the kitchen table with his math. And I played ABBA Gold over and over and over and over…

  32. Misfits Vintage
    March 23, 2011 | 1:34 pm

    Fuck it. I KNEW I should have had kids.

    Sarah xxx

  33. Fizzgig
    March 23, 2011 | 1:52 pm

    hmmm if you cant dress them up and make them do what you want what other reason is there for kids?

    i can relate to hearing something bad inside the most innocent things.

  34. anSeL
    March 23, 2011 | 1:59 pm

    your son is so cute. can he take the bonnet off?
    i think your son is asking why? why? why do i have a mom like her? just joking! i know he loves you very much because you are not a boring mom.

  35. Cake Betch
    March 23, 2011 | 2:00 pm

    Some day he will appreciate these qualities in you. I know because my own mother is a lot like this. And look how I turned out!!

  36. ellen abbott
    March 23, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    oh yes. our kids were known as the ones with the hippie parents.

    the tuque isn't so bad. my son wore an orange lab coat all through high school.

  37. DCHY
    March 23, 2011 | 2:22 pm

    I had kids so I can mess with them all their lives. I can relate. ;)

  38. meleah rebeccah
    March 23, 2011 | 2:29 pm

    That's HILARIOUS. “Make sure the water from your eavestrough doesn't fall on your weiner!”

    AHAHHAHAHAhahahahahhahah!

    And, don't feel bad. My teenage son, hates my guts too – especially when he has friends around. And how could you NOT sing along with”Band on the Run”?!

  39. Kristina P.
    March 23, 2011 | 2:51 pm

    I can't imagine he could ever be embarrassed by YOU!

  40. becca
    March 23, 2011 | 2:52 pm

    great post as always and personally i think your son is adorable in his hat but i have to admit the best thing about children are they can be cheap entertainment to us adults

  41. stephanie
    March 23, 2011 | 2:55 pm

    The best part of having kids is getting to embarrass them. I cannot wait until mine are old enough for me to shamelessly embarrass. Oh the bliss.

  42. Carri
    March 23, 2011 | 3:03 pm

    My God. I love you.

  43. Ange
    March 23, 2011 | 3:43 pm

    I love to know there are other moms out there like me. I once helped my son write out his spelling words into sentences (stupid homework)and I talked him into writing “My pen is bigger than your pen is”. I laughed my ass off for hours, while telling him to “read it fast!” We had a good laugh together when he finally got it and told me I was “weird”.

    Boys in kindergarten are so much fun!

  44. Ameena
    March 23, 2011 | 4:56 pm

    The only way to be a parent is to find humor in everything…you are my inspiration to do just that!!

  45. Kato
    March 23, 2011 | 5:17 pm

    Hahahaha!

    I am taking notes from you…..believe me!

  46. Deborah
    March 23, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    You and I have very different blogs. Mine is about my journey with God and can be quite serious at times. I love your blog because every time I read another one of your posts, you remind me not to take myself too seriously, to lighten up and just have some fun. Thanks for being so bold and so fun.
    And just for the record, I love to sing to Eminem. My kids cringe at the thought of their mom as a wannabe middle age rapper. :)

  47. Mamaof3Cuties
    March 23, 2011 | 6:04 pm

    OMG im dyin!!!!of laughter that is!1 im a new follower!! will deff be back again and again!! visit me at mamaof3cuties.blogspot.com

  48. Mrs. Tuna
    March 23, 2011 | 6:16 pm

    The love/hate relationship continues into their 20's. This morning Sheldon gave me the look of hate for asking her to dump and fill the ice cubes trays since she'd only left me TWO cubes.

  49. Nicole
    March 23, 2011 | 6:42 pm

    Woman, come visit me. We have a guest room. We can sit around and giggle over wieners and I'll tell you the unintentionally inappropriate “hard peanut” joke my 6yo told about my son's penis.

    Also, did I already tell you I gave you a blog award yesterday on my blog? I'm a bit lazy and somewhat tired. I probably forgot. So, atta girl!

  50. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    March 23, 2011 | 6:52 pm

    My 15 year old daughter is the same way in the car. No fun. She won't dance. “She” turns “My” Radio down! The difference is what will come out of her mouth at home. Which is anything. But that's ok. I found a 70's station that can usually be counted on to play “Play That Funky Music” in the mornings right about the time I drop her off at school!

  51. Heather
    March 23, 2011 | 6:59 pm

    He is so cute!!
    Did you really try, or did ya just think it would be fun to harass him? :)

  52. Thisisme.
    March 23, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    It really is funny, this teenager/mum relationship, isn't it?! Whatever we do, they find it highly embarrassing. I can still remember dropping my 14 year old daughter to school, and she was tucked right down into the floorwell in the passenger seat, and sloped out of the car when no-one was around. I mean, you would have thought I was a freak or something!!!! – ??

  53. Nerdy Girl
    March 23, 2011 | 7:59 pm

    Ha, I know exactly what you mean….I have been nannying for my twin girls for 6 years…and i went from being sooo cool to “omg…why are you soooooo wierd!” once they hit their teens. They can't wait to get their license because am much like you when I drive around with them…well to be fair the one doesn't mind much, only when she is P.M.S'ing ( which btw thats loads of fun) , but the other prefers if I were mute bc am so loud and goofy ( she embarasses easily). I wish there were a boy in the mix!

  54. nitebyrd
    March 23, 2011 | 8:19 pm

    I miss those days of embarrassing my kids. You make be nostalgic.

  55. 7ladybugz
    March 23, 2011 | 9:03 pm

    LOL I knew I liked you for a reason LOL We are TWINS! My kids now just let me go and have at it because if I get bored that means someone is going to be colored on with markers or I might just stop the car and get out and belt out a song or wave to people I don't know LOL
    Nothing seems to embarrass them now.. well they say it doesn't but i have had my mouth covered many times recently when my window has been driving and I am passing someone in hideous clothing or pants down around their ankles!
    Let your son drive with me for a week and he will think you are a friggin saint LOL

  56. ♥ CG ♥
    March 23, 2011 | 9:05 pm

    ROFL! Priceless memory making only a mom can create.

  57. suz
    March 23, 2011 | 9:26 pm

    Always told PFC,”If Dad and I aren't embarrassing to you , we're not doing our job.”

  58. Nari
    March 23, 2011 | 10:26 pm

    Hahahaha…I think I'll try that from now on so that maybe my kids will quit volunteering me to play taxi for them and their freinds.

  59. Monkey Man
    March 23, 2011 | 11:16 pm

    Clearly, you were never a 15 year old boy. Mrs. MM bought a book about the male brain so she could understand our son (and me) better. I may read it just to know how to handle her new age psychology.

  60. Julie
    March 23, 2011 | 11:20 pm

    I wouldn't worry about what nursing home he'll pick. You're going to school for nursing which will give you a straight shot to the nut house. I don't think I'll have to worry about this situation since I'd rather stab myself in the head than put 2 teenagers in the same car with me. :D

  61. Desperate Housemommy
    March 24, 2011 | 1:19 am

    That's it.

    I want to go on a road trip with you.

    And I get to sing the screechy part when Sweet Child O' Mine comes on the radio.

  62. pattypunker
    March 24, 2011 | 1:34 am

    you are fun, damnit!!!!

    and all of his friends know it.

    not singing to band on the run is just lackadaisical.

  63. Copyboy
    March 24, 2011 | 2:11 am

    I think there are laws in states that say you have to sing out loud if a Wings song comes on the radio. You're lucky your teen didn't get you in trouble with the law.

  64. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    March 24, 2011 | 2:27 am

    100% worth it. I mean, someday he will thank you for saying wiener in front of his friend. Trust me.

  65. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    March 24, 2011 | 2:27 am

    100% worth it. I mean, someday he will thank you for saying wiener in front of his friend. Trust me.

  66. Linda Medrano
    March 24, 2011 | 2:33 am

    Sandra, I think you are channeling your 13 year old boy self! I loved humiliating my kids. My daughter was about 16 and had a boyfriend named Ashley. So, I of course started calling her Scarlett! Ashley said “I thought your name was Sheila.” and so I filled him in, “No no Ashley Darlin'!” (in a southern accent of course), it's Scarlett Sheila. She never forgave me and she's 40 now.

  67. On My Soapbox
    March 24, 2011 | 2:37 am

    I bet his friend thought it was funny. I bet his friend thinks you're a cool mom, too.

  68. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    March 24, 2011 | 3:16 am

    Hahaha, that is hilarious!!! We totally do that and turn anything in songs that rhymes with poop or fart and say that instead of what it really says. Hilarious!

  69. michi
    March 24, 2011 | 3:40 am

    Love you blog! You are delightfully inappropriate!! But I love it.

    Grabbing your button.

  70. Shell
    March 24, 2011 | 4:46 am

    Getting to embarrass our children is a perk of being a parent, isn't it? Or payback. Or something like that.

  71. Mamarazzi
    March 24, 2011 | 5:33 am

    hilarious.

  72. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    March 24, 2011 | 5:37 am

    You have a 14-year-boy trapped inside of you. Your head, I mean. Not the other part. Because that would be wrong. And totally illegal.

  73. Lalis
    March 24, 2011 | 6:33 am

    NICE.

  74. MrMonkiman
    March 24, 2011 | 1:00 pm

    I wish you were my mum! Weiner is perfectly acceptable to my ears… Hmm sounds dirtier than I expected!

  75. Nikki Rules
    March 24, 2011 | 6:34 pm

    Have you ever walked into a store and stood there big eyed trying to swallow in the view in big eye gulps? And looking around noticing everybody and their brother are shopping there? And you start thinking “why didn't I know about this place before?”

    Yeah… I feel like THAT right now about your blog.

    Sweet.

    ツ my cyber house rules dot com

  76. Making It Work Mom
    March 24, 2011 | 7:36 pm

    Today I drive my 11 year old to Middle School (not something I usually do) She gave me clear instructions to turn the radio down on approaching the school pull to the side of the road, not make any eye contact, and she would get out. I of course flubbed the whole thing- forgot to turn down the radio, caused a traffic jam because I wanted a good spot and somehow managed to jam the locks on the back doors so she had to climb over the seat into the front to get out.
    I am sure she won't speak to me for days.
    So keep on humiliating him – some day he will appreciate it!

  77. Captain Dumbass
    March 24, 2011 | 7:44 pm

    One day he'll understand what a cool mom he has. Or spend a lot of money bitching about you to his therapist.

  78. The Reckmonster
    March 24, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    Lady – you are my HEROINE! I am sooooo writing all of this down so that I can torture my six year old when he gets to his teens. You are the Rock star Mom of all ages!!!

  79. Kaymee
    March 25, 2011 | 2:53 am

    haha can't wait for teenage boys :) I also bust up every time I see that Waldo pic lol!! Thanks!!

  80. Stephanie
    March 25, 2011 | 3:03 am

    MAHAHAHAHAHA! This was freaking hilarious!

  81. THUNDERCAT
    March 25, 2011 | 5:45 am

    When I was younger, I hated the fact that my mother would drop me off at school. Now being 28, I realize the times I couldnt stand are the times I miss the most.

    That will happen for your son too. These times will be the ones he talks about the most with his friends, family, or future wife ;)

  82. Kelley
    March 25, 2011 | 7:10 pm

    Secretly, he loves it. You just know he does. How could he not??

  83. Debbie
    March 25, 2011 | 9:39 pm

    Just do like me and put a little back every week for his therapy fund. Makes it all seem OK!

  84. Crystal Escobar
    March 25, 2011 | 10:14 pm

    Oh my goodness, you just crack me up. That is totally hilarious!!! I'm curious to see how this whole parenting teenagers is going to go with me.
    You really make me laugh though. LOVE YOU!

  85. Lin
    March 25, 2011 | 11:15 pm

    I'm with ya–if you want me to chauffeur, expect some wackiness. It's just part of the deal.

    And my rule is, if you friends don't find me funny, then you shouldn't be hanging with them anyway. So there.

  86. Kim Thomas
    March 26, 2011 | 2:46 am

    So worth it!!!!!!!! This was a great long needed laugh on a Friday night.

  87. Jill
    March 26, 2011 | 2:48 am

    One day he'll laugh his ass off!

  88. Lightning Bug's Butt
    March 26, 2011 | 3:46 am

    Dude, you're a hell-a cool mom!

  89. Susan
    March 26, 2011 | 7:04 pm

    Well if he hates you then good, you are doing a good job as a parent. Teenagers well I can remember them well, I thought both of mine were brain dead at 17. I thought maybe the hormones did it to them. And if you embarrased him, well then he probably deserved it, if not for that for something else he did you don't know about yet. GOOD JOB MOM!!!!!!!
    Susan
    http://amazingcouponanddiscountdeals.blogspot.com
    http://www.squidoo.com/more-coupon-offers
    http://susan-livinghealthywithchallenges.blogspot.com

  90. Lisa
    March 26, 2011 | 7:58 pm

    lol! With my girls I took every opportunity I could find to embarrass them. One day he will be your friend again. Teens are so awkward.

  91. LegalMist
    April 4, 2011 | 4:56 pm

    Glad to know there are others out there fulfilling their parental duty to purposefully embarrass their teens at any opportunity!

  92. LOLA
    April 4, 2011 | 8:12 pm

    I am laughing so hard. I have always rejoiced in torturing my kids, but it's much more difficult now that they're grown up and it's easier for them to drive away and escape. When my son was a brat, my daughter and I would sing to punish him. She came up with some new words to Copacabana: “His name was Rico; he had a vagina.” She was maybe 7 years old and already a genius. We sang it at the bowling alley. We danced and sang in the aisles of the grocery store. She doesn't do stuff like that with me anymore. I wish she had stayed 7 forever.

    Infinities of love,

    Lola

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL ../../2011/03/dont-get-your-wiener-wet.html/trackback