This is the truth!

I’m guest blogging over at my fellow Canuck, Canadian Blogger Girl.
 I offer helpful tips on ways to blog despite having family obligations and time-consuming responsibilities.
I may or may not suggest blowing your husband/wife as a means of negotiating time on the computer.
To see if I really am that manipulative and vulgar, go there now to see.

…ok…ahem…wiping my mouth…and now for our regularly scheduled broadcast.

So I’ve noticed a couple of comments in which people mention that I may be a story-teller, and I may or may not be describing actual events in my life when I blog.

Several years ago, I had written and completed a fiction novel.
Yes. FICTION.

However, the story in the novel was based on situations that had actually occurred in my own life.
At the time I was dealing with my divorce, and it was cathartic for me to write about my ex, his crazy girlfriend, and the things they would say and do.
Of course there was an entire story woven around the events. It wasn’t just me bad-mouthing the ex. ‘Cause that would be wrong. just in case he’s actually found my blog and reads it regularly

When I started sending out my novel to agents and publishers in the hopes that someone would take interest, one publisher took the time to send me a personal rejection letter, in which he said something to the effect, “Although your story is entertaining, the events you describe are not realistic. Readers will not find it believable even for a work of fiction.”

But…but…it’s my life…really!

So that brings us back to my blogging.
For instance, in my last post in which I describe a night out with the parents from my son’s hockey team, I happen to mention sheep shearing a number of times.
Here’s the thing.
Sheep shearing was a prominent part of the evening’s discussions.
Was that what was continually being brought up to interrupt the awkward silences I was creating?
Not always.
But honestly, after the mention of sheep shearing more than four times, I stopped listening.

So when the ladies would bring up various topics to distract from the fact that I had just referred to my son’s old hockey coach as an ‘asshole,’ it was not always sheep shearing.
It varied from, “So…anyway…we should go check on the kids!” to “So…anyway…don’t throw these plastic plates away, I’ll wash them later, and reuse them for my next get-together.” Yes. THAT’S the truth. And yes, it does sound like storytelling.
Alas, I witnessed the hostess with my own eyes gathering up the plastic plates and putting them in a sink full of suds.

My life is just fun like that.

This afternoon, my kids and I were driving in the car.
My oldest, 15 year old Wyatt, says, “Mom, when I grow up, I’m going to open a chain of stores called ‘Prostitute.’ It will carry the same kind of clothing as Forever 21, only it will draw a different demographic.”
I say, “The hooker demographic?”
“Yes. Prostitutes want to wear cute outfits too.”

This leads to my other son, 13 year old Jackson, saying, “I’m going to open a chain called ‘Man-Ho.’ A line of lingerie for men.”

From the very back my seven year old pipes up, “I’m going to invent a game called ‘Word Hole.’”

Wyatt says, “Way to ruin the joke Terran!”

Terran says, “I’m going to invent a game called ‘Word Hole’.”

Wyatt says, “It’s not funnier just because you say it twice.”

See.
Totally blog worthy.
Sounds like I made it up, right.
Because really, what good mother engages in a conversation with her children about super cute outfits for prostitutes and lingerie for men-hoes?

And well, it would seem, the answer is me.

  THE END
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81 Responses to This is the truth!
  1. Raven
    February 22, 2011 | 4:09 am

    You have no idea how happy I am to know that I am not the only mother who has warped her kids beyond repair. ;) But, I tell ya what, our kids will be the ones to really make it in the world. Or, at least that's what I tell myself.

    Loved your guest post!

  2. Kristina P.
    February 22, 2011 | 4:11 am

    I have always believed you.

  3. Annabelle
    February 22, 2011 | 4:16 am

    I believe you. Mostly because you sound like me, you sound like my friends. And if I had two teenaged sons, I absolutely would speak to them in their language.

    Creative interpretation of an event for a humorous blog post is part of the process. Do I think people should post up false events that are serious or painful, encouraging others to comment and share a vulnerable moment? No.
    But to retell an evening out in a way that is true to the event, yet funnier in it's polished form is just good writing.

  4. The Onion
    February 22, 2011 | 4:17 am

    I think the humor is in the weird details, and that is how it is easy for me to believe your car story, among others.

    Your kids seem very bright and like they have a good shot at becoming He and Ho entrepreneurs. Good luck, kids! Make Mama some greenbacks!

    Also, I have seen more crazy shit spawn from divorce than any other topic. I would believe anything in this regard. In fact, if a Dateline truck rolls up in my driveway to discuss the two divorces currently swirling in our family, I won't even blink.

  5. Carlita
    February 22, 2011 | 4:18 am

    Sandra my dear friend, I know YOU and I know your FAMILY…. and it is ALL TRUE :-) YOU REALLY couldn't make this shit up. love ya babe xo

  6. LilPixi
    February 22, 2011 | 4:31 am

    Nothing has ever sounded made up here to me.

    I know exactly what you mean about the sheep shearing.

  7. Coffeypot
    February 22, 2011 | 4:42 am

    I think you conversations with your kids are hilarious. Maybe I will meet them in our therapist's office one day.

  8. Yvonne
    February 22, 2011 | 4:50 am

    Your stories are totally believable! And yeah, you're a great storyteller.

  9. Carri
    February 22, 2011 | 4:58 am

    OK, if people can't figure out that there are slight exaggerations in your stories, they are STUPID. Stupid, I tell you! Like the anonymous commenter who ripped me apart for saying that I was 10 years pregnant. OF COURSE I WASN'T 10 YEARS PREGNANT, you stupid bitch!
    It was an exaggeration!!!! Rant over. Carry on.

  10. Alessandra
    February 22, 2011 | 5:11 am

    I totally bought every word you ever typed. Really, if you made any of it up, you should probably see somebody, a professional or something..lol :)
    Love your humor.

  11. Lost.in.Idaho
    February 22, 2011 | 5:20 am

    Is it bad that I would probably shop at man-ho?

    Also sounds a bit like a Naval novelty shop. Heloooooo sailor!

  12. SkippyMom
    February 22, 2011 | 5:22 am

    Um – seriously who cares? I mean about whether or not you exaggerate or make shit up. I don't think you do – but we are here to be entertained and you do that in SPADES.

    Btw – true story at my house on Christmas day – and NO ONE would believe me if I wrote it because I am “SkippyMom” but…

    The four of us went around singing “It's a vagina Christmas and a Penis New Year.”

    Things happen. You just admit it.

    [oh. wait. I think I just did. Don't tell my Tadpoles. Or the Mormons.]

  13. Holly
    February 22, 2011 | 5:41 am

    My mom talked with me and my sisters like that. It was not a strange occurrence if suddenly one of us piped up something strange that we shouldn't be talking about (especially around our mother!) she usually not only just went with it, but joined in on the conversation! My friends though it was strange, but they also thought my mom was the coolest “mom” they had every met. So I don't think it sounds fake, just very entertaining, and like a very cool mom! Lol

  14. tattytiara
    February 22, 2011 | 6:00 am

    Wyatt is a genius. Prostitutes deserve nice clothes, and I'm sure a little extra velcro in a few strategic places would make their jobs a lot easier!

  15. Jessica
    February 22, 2011 | 6:43 am

    I really don't think anyone could make up the stuff you right about.

  16. Julie
    February 22, 2011 | 8:48 am

    my cousin wrote a book (a novel) about his break up and divorce. It did get published and sold a few (enough to pay the divorce bills i reckon!! And given that HE has the kids, i reckon it was minimal on his side!!)
    My aunt ws totally mortified by this book. One day, i WILL get round to reading it!!!!

  17. ajm
    February 22, 2011 | 11:13 am

    Those sound like decent entrepreneurial ventures to me!

  18. becca
    February 22, 2011 | 11:20 am

    love this and i totally can see all this happening and as for your talk in the car sounds like something that would happen in my car

  19. Just Plain Tired
    February 22, 2011 | 11:43 am

    Your kids may be on to something — prostitutes and man-hoes need clothes too. ;)

  20. Texan Zombie Goddess
    February 22, 2011 | 11:57 am

    Believe it or not, conversations come up like that in our car too…and the store…the church…and while walking the dog…

    And my hubs aunt owns a sheep farm so things like, “So, how is that shearing going?” is a common “try to forget what Penny just said” statement.

  21. myevil3yearold
    February 22, 2011 | 12:22 pm

    Conversations like that do occur. My kids are a bit younger but I can tell it's coming. i hope your conversations are real because I feel better knowing that I am not alone is this warped way I parent

  22. Lola
    February 22, 2011 | 12:56 pm

    So, we're NOT supposed to have conversations with our kids about Prostitutes and Man-Whores?

    That's where you lost me.

  23. ryoko861
    February 22, 2011 | 12:59 pm

    Who the fuck cares if it's real or not?

    It's funny!

  24. Mrs. Tuna
    February 22, 2011 | 1:35 pm

    I think you even hold a little bit back so people will believe. No?

  25. ms. caboo
    February 22, 2011 | 1:54 pm

    I don't have kids, but I do enjoy engaging in bizarre conversations with my nieces and nephews. Yes, it does happen. You never know what a kid will say.

    I think you're 100% authentic, so screw those who diss you!

  26. Queen B
    February 22, 2011 | 2:13 pm

    I would like to go on record stating that I do not expect you to use your blog to transcribe entire conversations in an effort to ensure accuracy. Feel free to inject creative timing in your recaps of conversations, as you feel necessary to keep entertaining ;)

  27. Lolamouse
    February 22, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    Sounds true to me! I had a convo with my 14 year-old daughter about whether “whore bag” was a purse for whores or a girl who was a slut. This was while her grandmother was sitting at the table with us! Family time is so important!

  28. Jill
    February 22, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    I never doubted for a second that your life is this hilarious, if it makes you feel any better…

  29. Busy Bee Suz
    February 22, 2011 | 2:31 pm

    I have always found that the old saying: Truth is stranger than fiction, is actually TRUE!!!!
    Your kids are fuuuunnnnny.
    My girls are only slightly warped. Ok, maybe more than slightly. :)

  30. Kristin
    February 22, 2011 | 2:48 pm

    I don't see that as warping your children. You have created in them an amazing business sense…

  31. nitebyrd
    February 22, 2011 | 2:56 pm

    Your kids are gonna love you forever and be more well adjusted than all those moms that pretend there are no prostitutes, man-whores and constantly tell their kids to use toilet paper.

    You've also proved the point that truth is stranger than fiction!

  32. Two Normal Moms
    February 22, 2011 | 3:24 pm

    OMG – that woman with the plastic plates is related to my grandmother. I.JUST.KNOW.IT. As for the rest? L-O-L!!!

  33. Marty
    February 22, 2011 | 3:32 pm

    Too cute, thanks for sharing…(still looking for your accent vlog) ;)

  34. Rebecca
    February 22, 2011 | 3:49 pm

    Know how people do book tours? You should do a blog tour. You could let people bring in their lap tops and they could tell you their favorite part (blog post)……..

  35. Chanel
    February 22, 2011 | 3:56 pm

    Oh, who cares if you exaggerate things? Actually, in the written form I believe it's hyperbole, not exaggeration. Either way, it's the way YOU see it. So it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's all about you.

  36. Sparkling
    February 22, 2011 | 4:01 pm

    Your reality is so not believable and that's why I read you. I can't believe the conversations you have. And yet, I can believe them because of what I read from you. It's so entertaining.

    I can't believe you were rejected for writing fiction that was not believable. Isn't that what fiction is???? NOT REAL? So I guess you have to rewrite as non-fiction?

    I have no doubt that everything you say in this blog, and wherever you guest post is really real.

  37. Big Fat Gini
    February 22, 2011 | 4:07 pm

    I don't think I can get past the sheep sheering incident…

    Whatever. Seriously, I care very little about whether or not someone exaggerates on their blog. My only caveat is when it comes to asking for money for a family who's nonexistent house burnt down.

    You're funny. You're entertaining. I think whether or not you tell a white lie here and there matters very little in the big scheme of things.

  38. Stephanie
    February 22, 2011 | 4:31 pm

    Did your book ever get published? I've got a *fictional* novel waiting in the wings based on my life too. Those effing exes.

  39. pattypunker
    February 22, 2011 | 5:01 pm

    sheep shearing or washing plastic plates, what's the difference? they're both stupid and boring conversation.

    that's great your kids have the same sense of awesome and juicy as you.

  40. Mrsblogalot
    February 22, 2011 | 5:21 pm

    Lol!!! Tell your kids I'm scouting out locations!

    Future marketing geniuses I say!

    now go check under their beds..

  41. Heather
    February 22, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    Once sheep shearing is mentioned four times it might as well be mentioned twenty…same thing.

    Word hole! Ha.

  42. Pamela
    February 22, 2011 | 6:15 pm

    Well, some might think your stories are unbelievable, but I'm glad you share them, 'cause they're hilarious! Plus, I can relate to some of the craziness, so I know they're all true;) xoxo

  43. granny1947
    February 22, 2011 | 6:25 pm

    Oh my word but you crack me up…thanks so much for the laugh!

  44. Tracy
    February 22, 2011 | 6:26 pm

    Sandra,
    I totaally would have no reason to doubt you…I hope you wrote back to the publisher and set him straight!

  45. CkretsGalore
    February 22, 2011 | 6:33 pm

    Oh I definitely believe you. For one, you live in Winnipeg and everyone I've known from Winnipeg are whackjobs….in a good sense. (Take that how you will)

    Also I'm only 32 and lived an interesting life with some odd tales to tell.

    Fucked up shit happens and I haven't even become a 'real' parent yet (just more of a step). So I imagine it'll get better. You're right about it being good blog fodder but I'm still going to wait for a bit.

  46. Ms.Wasteland
    February 22, 2011 | 6:39 pm

    WTF, people? This is a blog. It's free entertainment. She doesn't need to produced signed documentation to prove that it's true.

  47. karensomethingorother
    February 22, 2011 | 6:42 pm

    Good heavens, I would never think that you made any of this up, because I lives that shit too. Hellz yeah.

    I did come across one blog at one time though that at first I thought was great entertainment, but then started to think it sounds like total made-up BS. Thus, I am no longer interested. If I want fiction, I'll pick my book back up.

  48. karensomethingorother
    February 22, 2011 | 6:44 pm

    Also, that's completely retarded that the publisher rejected your book, for not sounding “believable” but garbage like “The Time Traveler's Wife” is out there on the shelves. Bah.

  49. like.thunder
    February 22, 2011 | 6:45 pm

    I like how your posts are stories. Things like repeating that the sheep shearing was brought up every time after an (awkward) silence is obviously for the sake of the story, but still conveys the point. And makes it funnier.

  50. Memphis Steve
    February 22, 2011 | 7:00 pm

    A lot of the best stories, and eventually best movies, are unbelievable things that actually happened. Screw that rejection. They don't know what they're talking about. Clearly what you write is popular or you wouldn't have a hundred zillion blog followers.

  51. Kelley
    February 22, 2011 | 7:39 pm

    Haha!! I never for second think you're lying. There is a thin line between lying and making up something for humor's sake. Most people with a good sense of humor know the difference! I love you just the way you arrrrrrrre, ahahahahaoohhohohhhohhh… That was my bad attempt to sing like Billy Joel…

  52. Jess @ Blonde Ponytail
    February 22, 2011 | 7:58 pm

    Ha ha! Your kiddos need twitter accounts similiar to “Sh*t my dad says”!! There seems to never be a dull moment in your house!!!

  53. Ginger
    February 22, 2011 | 8:04 pm

    I dont know a family like yours but I do know that when you re open with your kids, you get to hear the darndiest uncensored sh*t from them. All I can say is 'Thank you for sharing'

  54. Bouncin' Barb
    February 22, 2011 | 8:21 pm

    Do you know how my publishers kick themselves in the ass for passing up authors/books to see them on the bestsellers list. What the f**k do they know anyway?

  55. Anita
    February 22, 2011 | 8:36 pm

    Straight people like me need people like you. If we can't be that way, we can watch and listen to you. :)

  56. The Frisky Virgin
    February 22, 2011 | 9:16 pm

    There are some people who have things happen to them that seem totally unbelievable, and, yet, they are totally true. Like you, I'm one of those people and so is my mom. We are always saying, “Nobody would ever believe this!”

    The most important thing is you know it happened, and the other sitcom-like people out in the world knows it's true because we live our own version of unbelievable. *Hugs*

  57. Brandy@YDK
    February 22, 2011 | 9:39 pm

    it never even crossed my mind that you would be story-telling. my 16 year old nephew told me what a strawberry shortcake was using the word jizz. this is real life, people.

  58. Marissa
    February 22, 2011 | 10:12 pm

    We blog BECAUSE of the true, weird stuff that happens in our life. That's how we deal.

    Otherwise, we'd be alcoholics and junkies. And not in the good way.

  59. Nari
    February 22, 2011 | 10:28 pm

    Real life is far more strange than fiction. I've never doubted your truth telling since there's just know way someone could imagine all of that.

    On my way to read your guest post.

  60. So, if I'm living vicariously through you, and your life is a lie…bummer :-)

  61. Suzie Que
    February 22, 2011 | 11:32 pm

    Who cares what people say? We ALL take a little “literary license” because, let's face it, without a little “flair”, our stories would lack “umph”. Whether it's only 85%true, I don't care, as long as you tell it! And every parent is responsible for warping their kid. It's part of your maternal responsibility. They'll blame you later anyway even if you didn't.

  62. JennyJenJen
    February 22, 2011 | 11:35 pm

    im moving in with you. get your spare bedroom ready.

  63. Julianna
    February 23, 2011 | 12:06 am

    See, and I'm still wondering why she left the sheep guy and was boinking the other guy… and you were not making sheep boinking jokes? Really?

    I have often been told that my real life is not believeable. Prehaps that is why I did not win a spot on my local Mommy Blogger site… (its Okay… I really didn't want to win) -J

  64. Bibliomama
    February 23, 2011 | 12:44 am

    Et tu, Sandra? Some other blogger just told me humans and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time — turns out the Flintstones isn't actually Reality TV. I just don't know WHAT to believe in any more!

  65. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    February 23, 2011 | 12:59 am

    I love all your stories and I dont care if they are fact or fiction. I thought of you last week in class when we were talking about the abdomen and we talked about being able to feel poop in there. Made me wonder how many docs and nurses have known I needed to poop during an exam. Ha!

  66. Ninja Mike
    February 23, 2011 | 1:36 am

    Dude, your kids are awesome. And at this stage, I think that can only be due to your parenting. Kudos. Oh, and just so we avoid it, I know you're a chick, but this awesomeness requires the dude title which has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with status. Don't let anyone tell you different.

  67. Misfits Vintage
    February 23, 2011 | 2:37 am

    The 'truth is stranger than fiction' adage has been around a LONG time for a reason. Anyone who thinks you're making things up obviously leads a very sheltered life with very boring people.

    I don't actually believe that YOU are real. I'm pretty sure you are a hilarious program, written in 2595 and sent back to the past as FunnyBlogger2.0. Where can I get my hands on a pirate copy?

    Sarah xxx

  68. Marty
    February 23, 2011 | 3:24 am

    Tagging you in today's post…enjoy.

  69. 7ladybugz
    February 23, 2011 | 4:20 am

    LOL I would be the one continuing this convo LOL

  70. CarmenT
    February 23, 2011 | 6:01 am

    Great post. I've read a few so far. One other was the Ugly Cry.

    Wyatt sounds like a great humanitarian. Both your oldest obviously have business sense. Now to get your youngest on board. Surely he should realize he's gotta pay his way in the family. Right! LOL.

    Oh and thanks for following me and leaving a comment. When I came here to check out your site, you can imagine my surprise when I realized that I was being followed by a blogger with (with me!) 1177 followers.

    I'm impressed with myself for snagging you. Thanks again.

  71. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    February 23, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    Personally, I think your sons are on to something here, and will probably end up as millionaires, or whatever the Canadian equivalent is. You guys use Kroners, right?

    Also, my son's been a hockey player for about 11 years now, and we've never once had to endure a conversation about sheep shearing. Could the problem be you, I wonder? Naw, probably not.

  72. AndreaLeigh
    February 23, 2011 | 8:09 pm

    seriously, who cares if it is true or not? why do people get that personally involved? read and take things as they are. at the end of the day, a person on the internet we haven't met shouldn't upset us or affect or day.

    sorry, rant over. I hate when people attack others.

    i think you are very entertaining and you made me laugh. So, truth or lie, who careS?

  73. PBJdreamer
    February 23, 2011 | 8:59 pm

    I love your kiddos

    They would fit right in over here in Kansas

    what?

    yes I live in Kansas

    (creeping away slowly)

    that is all

  74. Deborah
    February 23, 2011 | 11:18 pm

    Hey its your blog, you can say what you want! I think you are hysterical. So glad I found you…I love to laugh out loud when I am reading. Thanks!!

  75. Linda Medrano
    February 24, 2011 | 3:07 am

    Sandra, your kids are “thinking outside the box” so how can that be wrong? Actually, I think they will all three be multi-millionaires and support you in style when you are my age. Mine are very well off, but my poor husband is stuck with supporting me.

  76. The Adorkable Ditz
    February 24, 2011 | 5:47 am
  77. The WholeFamDamily
    February 24, 2011 | 9:01 pm

    dude, it's YOUR blog, who cares what you write on here! i happen to like the idea of a man-ho store, it's totally an untapped market!!
    you go girl, you and all your real life stories, the rest can suck it…and then get more time on the computer! ;)

  78. Pearl
    February 25, 2011 | 12:17 am

    You go girl! I like your writing style, you were never boring. And yes, I believe you.

  79. The Chicken's Consigliere
    February 25, 2011 | 10:21 am

    You know the old cliche-life is stranger than fiction…guess it is not a cliche for nothing. But for the record, I totally believe you and personally think your kids show amazing creativity and business sense. The one kid, Terran, yeah, he needs to learn to spell, but really, that is just ancillary. It is a small mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. Now that I think of it, though, if he is going to be a rockstar, he probably doesn't need to learn to spell. But if he is going to be a business man, it would probably be a useful skill.

  80. Pink Feather Paradise
    February 25, 2011 | 2:03 pm

    I have wierd conversations with my 5 year old.. and if we lived in a big city environment then I dare say as he got older the conversations would get even wierder.. however as of yet he's not of an age to have noticed “miss Molly's” sex shop at the bottom of town but no doubt one day he'll wonder if miss molly sells ice cream… lol
    To be honest over here in England we don't tend to socialise in the way that you do… we either stay in and watch telly or the other half of society with a little money left to burn binge drinks… we a sad old bunch really! ;D
    however you are a much better mum than I… at least you remember to write these conversations down! ;D

    hugs from England!
    x Alex

  81. purplume
    March 8, 2011 | 6:47 pm

    When I worked in a post anesthesia recovery room, I wrote a mystery novel with a class I was taking. The teacher and other students told me my scene in the recovery room wasn't believable. Hellooo. Only thing I can figure is they needed more info, like to be brung along step by step or something like that. Not that it was not believable, but that it was not to them.
    I'd love to read your novel. If you don't find a publisher would you consider putting it out as an e-book?

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