Lingerie and battery operated hand mixers

So I’m having lunch with my two girlfriends from the university.
Keep in mind that they’re in their early 20s, and well…I’m not.
One of them, we’ll call her Looks-Like-a-Fricken-Model, starts telling us that her boyfriend has been upset with her.
Cue Older-Wiser-Woman ~that’d be me~ with her infinite wisdom and snappy retorts: “Just send him another picture of your boobs, he’ll get over it.”
My other friend, we’ll call her Lil’ Sex Kitten, says, “ANOTHER picture? You mean you’ve already sent him one?”
Looks-Like-a-Fricken-Model shoots me that “You bitch!” look, but replies, “Well, yeah. But just from the waist up.”
To which I reply, “I still think you should send him a cute little coochie shot. Just cross your legs so it’s not all ‘spread eagle’. It would be very tasteful, AND you’d have him eating out of the palm of your hand.”
Lil’ Sex Kitten is laughing, but her cheeks are flaming red, and she admits, “I could never do that. I’m such a prude when it comes to stuff like that.”
She admits, “I do own a cute little negligee, and I’ll prance around my boyfriend while I’m wearing it, but then he’s like, “Come over here and give me a lap dance,” and I’m so embarrassed.” 
So Older-Wiser-Woman says, “Just give the man a lap dance. It’s not a big deal.”
Lil’ Sex Kitten is squealing, “It is a big deal!!!”
I say, “No it’s not. You don’t even need music. Just sit in his lap and wiggle…like you’d do if you were repositioning yourself in a chair.”
“That’s it?”
Lil’ Sex Kitten is actually contemplating this.
I love it when they listen to me.
The funny thing is, I come off as this sexy, knowledgeable woman with a repertoire of sex tricks, and meanwhile, I wouldn’t follow any of my advice.
I don’t even own lingerie.
THIS is my lingerie, circa 1984.
I don’t know if you can see, but there is only one button left.
The others were not ripped off in a frenzy of passion.
They’ve disintegrated.
As for undergarments, I do own g-strings.
But I don’t wear them.
I’d rather wedge a shoe in my vagina.
This is my underwear.
Dollar Store!
And they’re super comfortable.
The other day my seven year old went into one of my dressers to look for the chocolate I had hidden in there.
He came downstairs waving this, asking, “Is this a new remote for the Wii?”

My reply, “Nope. It’s an old-fashioned hand mixer. I completely forgot I owned that.”
I did completely forget I owned that.
And it’s never been used so it probably could be handy as some kind of kitchen appliance.
The thing is though, it would probably be toxic.
Notice the grey strip above the Wii handle?
That’s where the 15 year old batteries have leaked acid.

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97 Responses to Lingerie and battery operated hand mixers
  1. Kara Hoag
    February 12, 2011 | 9:09 pm

    Corrupting all ages. I'm so proud of you!

    visions unto myself

  2. Chanel
    February 12, 2011 | 9:13 pm

    I really wish I hadn't opened this at work. How do you explain to your coworkers why you're suddenly looking at a picture of an old fashioned mixer that isn't actually a mixer.

    Nobody believed me when I said I didn't know that was going to pop up.

    I'm with Lil' Sex Kitten on this one. I don't send those kinds of pictures to Padawan. He'd probably die of shock if I did.

  3. Rebecca
    February 12, 2011 | 9:16 pm

    So when he gets older and 'wiser' do you think he'll remember when his mom told him it was 'battery operated mixer'

  4. ChiTown Girl
    February 12, 2011 | 9:35 pm

    You are so freakin' hilarious!! And, shit, what a waste of 'an old fashioned hand mixer!' That looks very much like a 'hand mixer' I have, which may or may not be called A Rabbit, or something like that. You should have been putting that mixer to use!!

  5. Kristina P.
    February 12, 2011 | 9:37 pm

    I'm not surprised that hand mixer is leaking something.

  6. Sparkling
    February 12, 2011 | 9:43 pm

    It's no wonder your site is forbidden to me at school. This is the most awesome most I've seen this week. A controller for the wii!! Yeah, whhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeee. Wow. And I agree, a shoe in my butt wouldn't feel much different than a thong but k-ster just can't seem to understand that.

  7. Julianna
    February 12, 2011 | 10:03 pm

    That's frickin hillarious.

    And now I have to “remove” the hand mixer from the back of my closet, that I totally forgot I had.


  8. Kimberly
    February 12, 2011 | 10:13 pm

    Yeah…only mixer in my house is a Kitchen Aid. I'd better not attempt to use it for similar purposes or I may end up in the ER.

    And I so agree on the g-string issue. If I want to floss, I'll do my teeth.

  9. Misfits Vintage
    February 12, 2011 | 10:15 pm

    Holy awesomeness batman, this post reminds me of the time I got divorced… boy THAT was fun!

    But seriously, the douche did the old disappearing trick with his internet girlfriend and cleared out the bank accounts on his way out so I carefully packaged up… actually this story is too awesome for the comments… I'm gonna go post it on my own blog. Come read it in about half an hour – it's a good story!

    But enough about me… your post is hilarious as always and tell your kids to stay the hell away from my bedroom! Little fuckers (and I mean that with love). Is that seriously battery leakage? Awesome. You shuld totally leave that on the coffee table and see what people try to do with it.

    Sarah xxx

  10. Jill
    February 12, 2011 | 10:37 pm

    I am stunned that you don't wear lingerie. That sexy body screams for it! Although, if I had your body, I would wear NOTHING.

  11. Bouncin' Barb
    February 12, 2011 | 10:52 pm

    I'm tough on my hand mixers. I wear them out and have to keep replacing them. I use them with or without two cooks in the kitchen!

  12. jules
    February 12, 2011 | 10:56 pm

    So funny as always! I too am surprised you do not wear lingerie! I think you should totally get some! You would love it!

  13. The Minute Man's Wife
    February 12, 2011 | 10:59 pm

    This is quite possibly the most depressing thing I have read all day!! However you have this unique and amazing talent to mesh depressing and effing hilarious together in a way that just feels right!!

  14. ms. caboo
    February 12, 2011 | 11:30 pm

    hilarious! I don't buy my undies at the dollar store; I am one step up and buy them at Walmart. I get excited when they come with one pair free!

  15. FatAngryBlog
    February 12, 2011 | 11:45 pm

    Holy freakin' hilarious!!!!!!!!

  16. Mad Housewife
    February 12, 2011 | 11:45 pm

    I bow to any woman who will post pics of her “normal” underwear on the internet.

    Seriously, you had me dying laughing and I can totally relate to this story.

  17. ~ Darla ~
    February 12, 2011 | 11:58 pm

    You are a hoot, Sandra. I love being older, wiser woman. And you my dear, area older, wiser and extremely hot woman to boot.

  18. ~ Darla ~
    February 12, 2011 | 11:58 pm

    I forget to tell you – love the new blog look. Very cute.

  19. twilightgazing
    February 13, 2011 | 12:15 am

    Being the young wiser woman, that you are, and for the totally educational purpose role you have taken on, I think you should check out a lap dancing class, they are a super fun way of exercising.

  20. Mamma has spoken
    February 13, 2011 | 12:19 am

    Well at least he found it in your room vs you finding it in his room (and yes this has happen here, several times).

  21. Ange
    February 13, 2011 | 12:21 am

    LOVE IT!

    I gave you an award on my blog.

  22. Martha
    February 13, 2011 | 12:30 am

    Thought I had popped over and folllowed a while ago, but I must have been laughing so hard that I forgot to do the “follow thing”.

    Love your blog! I've come here more than once to get a chuckle on a bad day. Also, being an empty nester, I really do miss the entertainment factor of having a kid who has very few filters at home. Thanks for allowing me to be entertained vicariously through yours!


  23. Catherine Dabels
    February 13, 2011 | 12:31 am

    Wow. Wow wow wow. This is hilarious. I too wish I had the balls to give the man lap dance. I wouldn't be able to stop laughing though and that's not sexy.

    I actually like your lingerie. It looks comfy….which is sexy. Or so I say.


  24. Belle
    February 13, 2011 | 12:34 am

    You are right on about doing something sexy to get a guy over being mad. Good advice. 15 years old huh? We have a toy almost that old. No battery acid leak though. It still works like a charm.

  25. SkippyMom
    February 13, 2011 | 12:47 am

    I must be an incredibly underachieving parent. The only thing my kids ever in our dresser found were their baby teeth which, in turn, blew the whole “Tooth Fairy”, “Easter Bunny” and “Santa Claus” myths right out the window.

    I think I need to step up my game.

  26. Monkey Man
    February 13, 2011 | 12:48 am

    Looks like the garbage men are in for a surprise. IF…your “mixer” was that old and the batteries really did leak.

  27. Raven
    February 13, 2011 | 12:48 am

    OMFG ROTFLMA~ When you said 'battery operated' in your title, I immediately thought, sex toys, but then read 'hand mixer' and was all, 'My mind must be in the gutter' (as usual). Then I saw the pic and laughed so hard I snorted.

    My girls have been finding my toys for so many years it just doesn't even faze them anymore. I go through so many batteries I get a thank you card every year from the Energizer bunny.

  28. Jessica
    February 13, 2011 | 12:50 am

    I would also rather shove a high heeled shoe into my crotch than wear a g-string. Granny panties forever.

  29. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    February 13, 2011 | 1:03 am

    I just never got the hang of g-strings. I was always picking trying to get it out. And my hand mixer hit the trash on this last move. I feared the chemicals that might have seeped out of it too even though it was still working. Had it since we lived in Germany. Those Germans make them to last!

  30. EmptyNester
    February 13, 2011 | 1:03 am

    Oh I have GOT to get some younger friends to give advice to! The ones my age or older are on to me! Hilarious post!

  31. Portia
    February 13, 2011 | 1:24 am

    Jeez, I guess we had better find a place for our hand mixers before my adult kids find them. Oh and those videos showing how to use these hand mixers. Yeah, I should make some plans for those as well so my kids are not doubly traumatized in case hubby and I kick the bucket suddenly.

  32. DB
    February 13, 2011 | 1:24 am

    Ooooh my gosh, just imagine the trauma when he's older. Hahahaha. Man, I found softcore porn on my grandfather's computer once, and it still makes me twitch when I think about it. I can't only imagine how the poor thing will react when he figures it out. Haha! :)

  33. Sarahf
    February 13, 2011 | 1:37 am

    Time for a new mixer, I think! And you keep chocolate in the underwear drawer? Genius!

  34. Shabbygal
    February 13, 2011 | 1:48 am

    Sandra all I can say is if i had a bod like yours I would be dancing around naked or in skimpy lingerie all the time! That mixer looked really scary! You cracked me up as usual! ThanksmTraci

  35. The Restaurant Manager
    February 13, 2011 | 1:56 am

    A hand mixer… now that's funny right there… I don't care who you are.

  36. Yvonne
    February 13, 2011 | 2:11 am

    If I had a body like yours, I'd walk around naked all the time. Hell, if I had your legs, I'd walk around naked all the time. I have stumps. But I digress. -I can't believe you don't wear lingerie! I collect all kinds of sexy lingerie. Mostly for my own amusement since I'm single. Lucky the guy who snags me! :) Oh and I totally agree, give the man a lap dance! I love doing that stuff!

  37. Nicole
    February 13, 2011 | 2:13 am

    Year ago, my then-two-year-old came running out of my bedroom holding a bottle of lube and handed it to my mother, who was over for a visit with my father. He said “Mama's!”

  38. Amanda
    February 13, 2011 | 2:51 am

    This is what I got out of this post – son of a bitch I'm not a little sex kitten in her early 20's anymore. And thank God I bought a bottle of wine to help me forget that tonight.

  39. Maybe I should become a hand mixer salesman :-)

  40. -stephanie-
    February 13, 2011 | 3:14 am

    Here I am falling asleep, when all of a sudden a leaky hand mixer pops up. I woke up in a hurry.

  41. Mom Went Crazy
    February 13, 2011 | 3:17 am

    I so wasn't expecting a giant dildo when I opened up this post in my reader! lol
    I was wondering how you were going to get from lingere to hand mixer….now I know.
    And I spit out my beer when I read “shoe in my vagina.”
    Yup…a shoe in my vagina. awesome

  42. becca
    February 13, 2011 | 3:33 am

    Brilliant as always thanks for the giggle

  43. Momma Jorje
    February 13, 2011 | 3:38 am

    LMAO – it is so fun to be the older, wiser, “more experienced” (read: nastier) woman. It is easier when the “audience” is a younger set, too. Only I *have* been known to send naughty pics to my husband, as well as receive them from him!

    Cracked me up about the hand mixer!! lol

  44. Keeper of the Skies Wife
    February 13, 2011 | 4:03 am

    OMG!!!! I'm laughing so hard I swear I don't have to do sit-ups tomorrow…I have had my ab workout!!!

  45. middle child
    February 13, 2011 | 4:17 am

    Too funny. You sound like me. We have all the answers to the things we'd never do. Peace.

    February 13, 2011 | 4:31 am

    OMG Sandra…Hilarious…there's an LOL award over on my blog for you :)

  47. Joanne
    February 13, 2011 | 5:03 am

    Reminds me of a scene from the movie Parenthood. You are too funny. I agree about the underwear. Blessings, Joanne

  48. Red Shoes
    February 13, 2011 | 5:19 am

    That hand mixer is down right scary looking!!! I'm glad my unit didn't come with the 'butt plug' attachment… :o D


  49. Rhapsody B.
    February 13, 2011 | 5:55 am

    lol, lol, lol, lol……
    girl you brave to be showing them dragon draws and post it for prosperity at that!…oooh, my sides hurt. As for the batty (bottom) floss no thank you. Imagine one spent years taking the panty out the ass only to have “fashion” tell you to slide it in. eeww eeww I say, infection producer. Imagine if one had diarrhea there is no safe place with those bad boys….eeew.

    lol, lol, lol, your hand mixer, righhhhhhht.Talking sex is easy, doing and performing is a whole other story, chapter and verse.

    Have a good weekend….
    thanks for the laugh

  50. Lazarus
    February 13, 2011 | 6:19 am

    Great post, very funny. Glad your child bought the mixer line, very creative on the spur of the moment like that!

    February 13, 2011 | 6:38 am

    That is so funny that your seven year old asked if that's a wii remote. Your answer was great.
    My stash of “naughty” stuff is even more ancient and pathetic (though not likely as toxic) as yours.

  52. Anonymous
    February 13, 2011 | 6:40 am

    Why American men should boycott American women

    I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


  53. Symdaddy
    February 13, 2011 | 7:56 am


    Slap a few pictures of girlie-pants and a 'hand mixer' into one of your posts and the whole world and their dog comes along for a read!

    By the way, that 'hand mixer' was broken! The twiddley-turny things have come off the end!

    Although I cannot claim to have had my blood pressure raised at the sight of your 'lingerie' or, to have had my pulse rate increased at the thought of what 'hand mixers' are used for, I did think that this article was a funny and enjoyable read.

  54. Deborah
    February 13, 2011 | 8:15 am

    You are just simply delightfully, hysterically, irreverantly FUNNY!

  55. Flying high in the sky....
    February 13, 2011 | 8:48 am

    i somehow knew the second part of the post… :) it just made me smile when you started discussing your part :) … as usual i smiled thru your post .. very interesting and witty post!

  56. Not So Simply Single
    February 13, 2011 | 9:32 am

    LAUGHING OUT LOUD, you dirty old lady! I think I need to take you shopping for lingerie!

    Maybe we should start a school for dating, and lead those 20 somethings astray!

    What do you think?



  57. Polly
    February 13, 2011 | 10:44 am

    You are one funny lady.

  58. Ann
    February 13, 2011 | 10:50 am

    I don't buy underwear at the dollar store but only because I know everyone that works there and I really don't need all those people to know what kind of underwear I have. Especially since I live in a very small town

  59. Canadianbloggergirl
    February 13, 2011 | 12:09 pm

    Ok, so good way to handle the “Wii” controller situation.

    What did you do when ur hubby was in the military and was posted? All of your “Wii controllers and apparatus'” when the packers came?

    Last time I ensured this box was packed in my stuff coming with me in the car. But this time, my daughter is around?


    Email me.


  60. Deborah
    February 13, 2011 | 12:10 pm

    Young girls just don't know how damn cute they are.

    Seriously good advice to them. I hope they took it!

  61. Holly
    February 13, 2011 | 1:20 pm

    Too funny! Thanks for the laugh and for always posting pics with the story! It just adds so much between hand mixers and Chilean monkies shooting automatic weapons I am always waiting to read more. Bravo!

  62. K
    February 13, 2011 | 1:48 pm

    I am very worried about the elastic on your knickers if you are not careful you and your knickers may part company.
    You seriously need to update that hand mixer as well.

  63. Kat
    February 13, 2011 | 1:48 pm

    This was spit my coffee out funny. And the Chilean Monkey? It makes me laugh just typing Chilean Monkey! Thanks for stopping by, glad that ugly mug gave you a giggle. Kat

  64. Ms.Wasteland
    February 13, 2011 | 2:08 pm

    You REALLY could be the new Dr. Ruth. Seriously.

  65. ryoko861
    February 13, 2011 | 3:56 pm

    I was a bit like “Sex Kitten”. She'll get it as she gets older.
    By the time she's in her late 30's early 40's she'll be giving out the advice.

    There comes a time in a woman's life where she just has to let it go.

  66. Evonne
    February 13, 2011 | 4:32 pm

    My kids just walked into the room. I don't think I have ever scrolled and read faster in my life. This is just awesome. And a reminder that I need to make sure things are hidden in my bedroom!

  67. Lisa
    February 13, 2011 | 5:59 pm

    That particular hand mixer worked well when it worked, but after the 4th or 5th time, it died- tight in the middle of mixing. So it's a good thing you grew out of it, it would only have disappointed you anyway

  68. The WholeFamDamily
    February 13, 2011 | 6:06 pm

    KY warming gel has NUTHIN' on leaky battery acid…i say go for it. ;)

  69. The Chicken's Consigliere
    February 13, 2011 | 6:06 pm

    bwah ha ha ha. That made my morning.

  70. TKW
    February 13, 2011 | 6:19 pm

    That totally could be a back-up wand for the Wii! For sure! Now make sure you hide the furry handcuffs that are also in that drawer…

  71. pattypunker
    February 13, 2011 | 6:28 pm

    want those dollar store undies!

  72. myevil3yearold
    February 13, 2011 | 6:43 pm

    Gawd your funny and it does look like a WII remote! The shoe in the va-jayjay comment made me laugh. I hate the G strings too! They totally suck on comfort and I have been married too long for that crap.

  73. The mad woman behind the blog
    February 13, 2011 | 7:24 pm

    I wonder if they still make that model of hand mixer…I could be in the market for one.
    And maybe some childproofing of the bedside table.

    You can be my wiser (I doubt older) friend, I like your advice.

  74. Busy Bee Suz
    February 13, 2011 | 7:48 pm

    Oh, this is just too funny.
    And those undies? You should be ashamed…very very ashamed. :)

  75. CkretsGalore
    February 13, 2011 | 9:01 pm

    Hahah Very nice!
    I missed reading your blog since I've been away & busy with work.

    Gave ya an award on my blog as well!

  76. Madame DeFarge
    February 13, 2011 | 9:55 pm

    How wonderful. Maybe you can pass on your kitchen equipment to a thrift store now?

  77. Practical Parenting
    February 13, 2011 | 10:31 pm

    Hilarious! Thanks so much for following Practical Parenting…I am really looking forward to following your funny posts!!!


  78. Coffeypot
    February 13, 2011 | 10:34 pm

    Never been used my ass. That thing use to have ribs along the shaft. See how smooth it is now? And the butt thing use to be one size the whole length. I dike the buttons, too. Kinda like a manual transmission, first gear, second gear, third and who needs a man.

  79. Mrs. Tuna
    February 14, 2011 | 12:56 am

    Do you tell them they were super cute too?

  80. Nicky
    February 14, 2011 | 1:12 am

    Ok, so you've told us your advice for spicing up one's sex life, you've shown us your lingerie AND your sex toys. What I really want to know is, did your son find the chocolate?!

  81. Jewels
    February 14, 2011 | 1:21 am

    Oh My Goodness did I laugh reading this. I love wearing lingerie and sending sexy pictures!! It's so much fun. I can't believe you don't own any sexy lingerie…it's so nice to have a little something special in your wardrobe.

    As for your handmixer…I almost spit out my water! hahaha. Loved your explination. I have no kids but think I would die if somebody found my “mixers”…haha.

  82. Semi-Slacker Mom
    February 14, 2011 | 2:05 am

    I'm more interested in what type of Wii game that COULD be the control for. Maybe you could work on that.

    My kid found my sexy lingerie & wasn't even fazed. Oops. Maybe I should work on my parenting skills.

  83. Alessandra
    February 14, 2011 | 2:17 am

    That is a might strange looking hand mixer, it must be one of the older models….

  84. Marty
    February 14, 2011 | 3:31 am

    omg freakin hilarious…my fear was that my daughter would find a vibrator and drag it out when my mom was visiting.

    February 14, 2011 | 4:09 am

    1) I love how your lingerie is older than my girlfriend. She's circa 1986, so I laughed a lot

    2) Thanks to you, I am NEVER going to be able to play the wii with a straight face again.

    I love your blog, and have a feeling I”m going to be spending a LOT of time reading post after post. Cheers!

  86. On My Soapbox
    February 14, 2011 | 4:28 am

    “….an old-fashioned hand mixer”? Good thing your oldest child wasn't around. I can't even begin to imagine what that would have entailed. Too, too funny.

  87. Amanda
    February 14, 2011 | 5:13 am

    You'll be happy to know that you cost me $60.00 with this post. MAJOR wife guilt… I now am the owner of a new sexy little hot pink & black number.

  88. meleah rebeccah
    February 14, 2011 | 1:42 pm

    I seriously just laughed so hard I needed to use my asthma inhaler to catch my breath! Toooooooo funny!!!

    You should write an advice sex column. And, maybe check your drawers for any other forgotten 'hand mixers'!

  89. Jenny Brown
    February 14, 2011 | 5:00 pm

    OMGosh….where do you come up with this SH*T? You're hilarious! I love that you hang out with your younger, more prettier friends (…unlike me who makes it a point to hang out with my ugly friends, so it makes me look better!) You're such a better friend than Me! :) :) HA!

  90. Two Normal Moms
    February 14, 2011 | 6:17 pm

    If only I could stop laughing so hard, I could come up with a reply. LOL. Though, I do wear thong underwear, but try not to walk around in them because my husband loves them and it gives him ideas… haha

  91. Linda Medrano
    February 14, 2011 | 9:29 pm

    I like your advise. I always send Alex crotch shots when he's working. In fact I send them to a lot of people come to think of it. That said, that mixer thing looks old but well loved. Kind of like me.

  92. LilPixi
    February 15, 2011 | 4:10 am

    Oh, that was funny as hell. You're funny as hell.
    I LOVE the new blog look.

  93. The Adorkable Ditz
    February 16, 2011 | 12:22 am

    I could have lived without seeing those images… -_______________-

    I could never wear underwear from the underwear store. If it wasn't in a package I won't wear it if it goes around the cooch.

    Just too disgusting for me otherwise.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

  94. Ginger
    February 18, 2011 | 12:26 am

    You got me snorting with laughter like always.
    p.s. Shoe in your vayjay?? G-strings are the ish, woman!!

  95. Ginger
    February 18, 2011 | 12:46 am

    Aint you just lucky your eldest didn't see that hand mixer? Now that would have been another story entirely…..

  96. purplume
    February 19, 2011 | 8:09 am

    too funny. I'm still chuckling.

  97. The Onion
    February 21, 2011 | 4:03 am

    I'm dying laughing..and my husband did a double take. The battery acid leakage is cracking me up. I am glad it didn't burn your son so you didn't have to explain this episode to the doctor.

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