It’s not like I say vagina every day

Tonight my son’s hockey team had a get-together at one of the parents’ houses.

During the course of the evening, I started noticing a trend:
I’d speak.
There would be silence.

Now I don’t mean silence as in: ”Everybody shhhhh! She’s going to say something!” silence.
More like an “I think I didn’t hear right!” silence.

First of all, I have to say that I usually hate these gatherings.
The kids are locked playing in another area of the house.
The men are sitting in front of a big screen watching hockey.
And the women are huddled around the kitchen table.

Usually the conversations are about their children.
The children’s teachers.
The children’s latest hockey game.

Tonight the monotony was broken up with a lady saying, “My sister is married to a sheep farmer in Australia. She told me she’s thinking of leaving him for some guy she met on the Internet.”

I lean in.
Finally. Finally something good.

But then other lady says, “So does she ever tell you about the work involved in sheering sheep?”

….ummm…weren’t we just talking about how the sister is fucking some other guy?

And somehow, I’m the only one who got stuck on that fact because the women have now launched into the inhumanities of sheering Marino sheep.

The ladies then move on to the topic of family time and bonding with their kids, and mention how their kids don’t like to play boardgames.

Between swigging my Diet Coke and eating tortilla chips, I pipe up, “Play Scrabble with them and let them spell dirty words. They’ll be begging to play it all the time.”

“Dirty words? What do you mean?” someone dares to ask.
“For instance, the other day Jackson spelled ‘twat’ on a double word score. He was thrilled.”
“What?”
“T-W-A-T. You know, as in vagina.”

*silence*

“So anyway, how did you say the sheep were sheered?” woman breaking the silence says to woman whose sister is fucking Internet guy.

Then the conversation moves to Facebook.
One woman says, “I joined Facebook to see what my old high school boyfriends looked like now. I was happy to see that they’re all fat, bald, and unhappily married.”

I pipe up, “Not my old high school boyfriends. Oh my god, talk about gorgeous and ripped.”
“How do you know?”
“Pictures. Shirt off. Totally edible.”

*silence*

What? I didn’t say I ate him. I just said he WAS edible.

“So what were you saying about the sheep sheering business again?” woman breaking the silence says to woman whose sister is fucking Internet guy.

So I’m done with the ladies at that side of the table.
I turn to the ladies closest to me, and listen to them talking about all the activities their children are involved in and how they have no time for themselves.

I say, “I MAKE time for myself. I try to make it to hot yoga most days of the week.”
“Hot yoga? I hear that is terrific.”
“It is!” I say, bouncing on my seat at the excitement of having someone talk to me. “After only eight sessions I started noticing that my abs were getting ripped!”

*silence*

Thankfully, my friend Kim who spends a fair bit of time at the beach with me says, “Sandra, your abs were ripped last summer!”
Feigning humility, I say, “No they weren’t.”
But yes. Yes they were.
But still. That was when I was hungry and on the heels of a competition.
Now they aren’t AS ripped.

[This is the area where I would post a recent picture of my abs, but I'm currently pre-menstrual and am not emotionally equipped to deal with the hate mail.]

But hot yoga talk continues at which time I inform them of the protocol.
One woman says, “I hear you have to get there about 30 minutes early.”
“I like to. This way I can get a spot in front of the mirror and stare at myself.”

*silence*

Really? What? It’s important to ensure proper posture!
It’s not like I flex…all the time.

“So what were you saying about the sheep sheering business again?” woman breaking the silence is saying to woman whose sister is fucking Internet guy.

Fortunately, somebody takes pity on me, and brings the conversation back to hot yoga: “So what should I expect if I go?”
“Well, expect that the room will be very quiet and relaxing. Expect that you will sweat your ass off. And expect to hear people farting around you.”

*silence*

Thankfully, Wayne pops up behind me and says, “Time to go?”

Yup.
It was time to go hours earlier when I repeated the conversation I’d had with Jackson about the tattoo he wants to get when he’s older: “I want to get a tattoo of a guy pushing a lawn mower through my pubes. Wouldn’t that be funny?”

I thought it was funny.
Instead though sheep sheering was brought up.

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115 Responses to It’s not like I say vagina every day
  1. Kristina P.
    February 21, 2011 | 5:10 am

    I think you need to start a Jane Austen Book Club.

  2. JUST ME
    February 21, 2011 | 5:12 am

    I find that Hot Yoga doesn't necessarily give me rock hard abs as it does a light headed “I'm Going To DIE” feeling…

  3. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    February 21, 2011 | 5:20 am

    I hate those parties. Now that I only have one kid left at home I'm just not going anymore. I paid my dues. My bored to holy hell dues.

    Regular yoga is all I can handle. I hate that steamy feel of hot yoga.

    The tattoo plan cracked me up!

  4. Yvonne
    February 21, 2011 | 5:20 am

    Ewww! Those women really need to get out more! You SHOULD start a book club, invite the old bitties and have them read nothing but dirty books and then discuss! lol

  5. Chanel
    February 21, 2011 | 5:24 am

    Wow…I'm sorry you couldn't find anyone with the decency to talk about the juicy affair with the Internet guy. I would have asked all sorts of questions.

    And sheering sheep isn't cruel. It doesn't hurt them. They don't need it during the summer. And anyway, I bet those women wear wool. I hope you pointed that out to them.

  6. suz
    February 21, 2011 | 5:26 am

    I wouldn't last five minutes in that crowd!

    Jackson's a cool kid!

    Um. You could have mentioned that sheep have twats.

  7. Lost.in.Idaho
    February 21, 2011 | 5:29 am

    Now, thanks to you, whenever there is awkward silence, I'm going to bring up sheep-shearing…

    Nobody is going to get it, but I'll still laugh.

  8. SherilinR
    February 21, 2011 | 5:29 am

    i'm totally that woman who brings up vibrators or diarhea in the midst of the church lady parties. usually there's at least one woman who will smirk into her shoulder & then sneak over to talk to me later to thank me for making the moldy oldies get flustered. it's not like i mean to. it's a gift.

  9. Red Shoes
    February 21, 2011 | 5:41 am

    Maybe… just maybe… that wasn't 'sheep' being sheared… ;o)

    I like the idea for the lawn mower…

    Maybe I will post my tattoo joke…

    ~shoes~

  10. Raven
    February 21, 2011 | 5:44 am

    OMFG I LMAO through this whole post. I live in very Christian suburb. Meanwhile I'm a Pagan with three tattoos and 8 piercings in my ears. I'm sure you can imagine what the Girl Scout meetings were like.

  11. Lazarus
    February 21, 2011 | 5:44 am

    Sandra, if you're not renting yourself out for parties yet, you need to start, there's big money to be made. I'm still not sure that you're a real person, but you're certainly extremely entertaining!

  12. Pink Satin Sashes
    February 21, 2011 | 5:55 am

    wow.
    I wish women could hold more intelligent conversations other than that of what the children are doing. THEY are acting like they are extentions of themselves and when those kids fly the coop they turn into childless amputees, wondering where their arms and legs went, with no way to walk on their own.

    I would hate to have to sit around with all that monotony…I have four kids and do not spend all my time yapping about them. Nor do I post every move they make as my facebook status.

    Glad you could break up the conversation a bit..way to go!

  13. LilPixi
    February 21, 2011 | 5:58 am

    You are too damn funny, and awesome!!
    So got that nurse mentality too. lol

  14. Belle
    February 21, 2011 | 6:12 am

    Oh man, I would love to sit next to you at some boring party! I always get looks too. I haven't figured out why yet.

  15. Gigi
    February 21, 2011 | 6:57 am

    I want you at my next boring party!

    I hate that stuff!!! Sheep shearing? Sigh.

  16. bunny
    February 21, 2011 | 6:59 am

    OK…Where the hell were you when my daughter was in soccer and I was dying of effing boredom from listening to moronic women complain about plastic surgery and effing their ex's…huh?

    tootles,
    bunny

  17. The Girlie Blog
    February 21, 2011 | 7:04 am

    That sheep sheering lady needs a life!

  18. Sarahf
    February 21, 2011 | 7:46 am

    I didn't know it was bad to talk about yoga induced farting at parties either. Good to know.

  19. Julie
    February 21, 2011 | 8:28 am

    I love my kids and i'm proud of what they do. But as someone said, i don't make my FB status about them – well – all the time. And it's usually if we've all done something funny or i poke a bit of fun at me – like how i'm meant to be the responsible adult in the car when my daughter is the driver anad i'm the one who is singing and dancing along to the music!!
    I can neither sing nior dance – but that's not the point – i make them laugh. But goodness – ” my childe has just peed” as the FB status – get a life!!!!

  20. Polly
    February 21, 2011 | 8:46 am

    Sheep huh? I don't suppose these Women would have been interested in what the Kiwi's like to do with their sheep.

  21. Deborah
    February 21, 2011 | 9:39 am

    LOL…LOL!!!

  22. Alittlesprite
    February 21, 2011 | 9:54 am

    LOL! I love coming over to read your blog. f'ing good laugh!

  23. Nicky
    February 21, 2011 | 10:22 am

    Ha! Where was Jackson when I put up a post asking people for suggestions for my next tattoo?! Too funny!!

  24. SkippyMom
    February 21, 2011 | 10:59 am

    I totally agree with the person that said you should rent yourself out for parties. [What? It's not like we're trying to pimp you or anything.]

    I want to be first.

    I will pay top dollar to have you play Wallene's [crazy] Aunt at the next band banquet.

    I'm sorry. Did I say crazy? Well, yes I did – because you would have to be nuts to go to one of those functions.

    Just saying.

  25. Ms.Wasteland
    February 21, 2011 | 12:45 pm

    I'm no good in social situations. That's why I rarely leave the house.

  26. Yandie, Goddess of Pickles.
    February 21, 2011 | 12:47 pm

    That woman has an unnatural interest in sheep.

    I don't get invited to parties like that, it's one of the upsides of being a single mom. There's something about single and/or divorced moms that seem to make married moms verrrry uncomfortable.

    So I get to hang out with other single and/or divorced moms. There something about being a single and/or divorced parent that results in a wicked sense of humor (that whole, laugh, because otherwise you can only cry thing) and a whole-hearted openess to drinking a lot.

    FUN!!

  27. myevil3yearold
    February 21, 2011 | 12:48 pm

    I am trying to picture you in a meeting with the other parents in my son's little circle and I think it would be the same awkward silence. I, however, would be laughing my but off.

    I also think the tattoo idea is terrific.

  28. Julianna
    February 21, 2011 | 12:49 pm

    Wish I'd been there. I'd have saved you. And then been pissed because of your ripped abs. :)

    And the tattoo? Funny. But not as funny as the guy who tattooed a cow's ass on his stomach and made his belly button the asshole. -J

  29. Bouncin' Barb
    February 21, 2011 | 12:54 pm

    I would love to just sit and drink coffee with you with a tape recorder going. OMG it would be hilarious. We'd have to put up the adult content warning if we ever posted it.

    Seriously, that's when I get up and go join the guys. Because they have fun conversations. And it pisses those do gooders off bigtime.

    I'm so happy you found me and love me and want me to run away with you. It makes me feel so special.

  30. Bouncin' Barb
    February 21, 2011 | 12:55 pm

    I would love to just sit and drink coffee with you with a tape recorder going. OMG it would be hilarious. We'd have to put up the adult content warning if we ever posted it.

    Seriously, that's when I get up and go join the guys. Because they have fun conversations. And it pisses those do gooders off bigtime.

    I'm so happy you found me and love me and want me to run away with you. It makes me feel so special.

  31. Sausage Fingers
    February 21, 2011 | 1:00 pm

    Meanwhile in the other room, men sit in silence with hands in waistbands muttering the the T.V. when something happens on the ice.

  32. LuLu Kellogg
    February 21, 2011 | 1:12 pm

    LOL, I am dying!

  33. Pink Feather Paradise
    February 21, 2011 | 1:20 pm

    Your a braver girl than me… I wouldn't have set foot in the kitchen… I think I would have gone and played with the kids or watched hockey! lol
    x

  34. Mark
    February 21, 2011 | 1:43 pm

    Although I hate hockey, I would have rather hung out with the Guys.
    Your Friend, m.

  35. Gigi
    February 21, 2011 | 1:50 pm

    OMG – those get togethers used to bore me to tears! I would have loved to have you at one.

  36. Bridget
    February 21, 2011 | 1:53 pm

    OMGosh, this is TOO funny!!

  37. laughingmom
    February 21, 2011 | 2:01 pm

    I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut as soon as I heard “sheep farmer!” Love your sense of humor!

  38. Ginger
    February 21, 2011 | 2:14 pm

    lmao. what a bunch of anal retentives. It would be funnier to listen to their conversation post-hockey dinner about that 'lewd Sandra'.

  39. Kimberly
    February 21, 2011 | 2:15 pm

    I have a feeling that you live in an incredibly boring and sheltered neighborhood.
    I'll pray for you.

  40. QueenBee
    February 21, 2011 | 2:21 pm

    OMG, that was funny as ever. I can just imagine them looking at you like they are the freaking housewives of orange county and you are, well, just some city slicker who rode into town. LOLOLOL. Stop the insanity, this is too funny.

  41. Tracey Axnick
    February 21, 2011 | 2:22 pm

    First time visiting your blog and I CAN'T stop laughing. Hilarious! UnFORtunately, I must go to the dentist now (insert wince and facial tic), but I will definitely come back and read more later. (And PS – you're invited to my next dinner party.) :)

  42. Steph
    February 21, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    I love this post so much! Often times, I end up leaving and joining the guys for hockey and better conversation. :)

  43. ChiTown Girl
    February 21, 2011 | 2:38 pm

    I think you should have one of those at-home sex toy parties and invite all these uptight bitches. Oh, but you're going to put Tupperware, or something like that on the invite. Then, you're going to set up a camera somewhere so we can see their reaction when the butt plugs and lube come out!

  44. TKW
    February 21, 2011 | 2:44 pm

    Next time I'm at a party, I'm looking for you. We'd get along just fine. Although HOW could you listen to them talk about sheep shearing and not make some remark about bikini waxes?

  45. ~Niki~
    February 21, 2011 | 2:45 pm

    did this really happen or is it 'story telling?” sounds like something I would do. that's why i have little friends. people find me strange i think LOL. that tattoo would be awesomely funny ! lol. yes, go see the Adam Sandler movie~it's great.

  46. Valerie
    February 21, 2011 | 2:57 pm

    Yep. Can't take you anywhere – just like me. Good job surviving what I refer to as the “mommies in the kitchen talking about their kids hell.”

    Jackson's tattoo idea was hilarious, by the way.

  47. Stephanie
    February 21, 2011 | 3:01 pm

    And NOW I know what tattoo I want.

  48. The Minute Man's Wife
    February 21, 2011 | 3:25 pm

    Well those women Obviously don't appreciate you in the same way as We all do!!

    I think it's safe to say you'll never run into awkward silences here!!

  49. Krissy
    February 21, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    Girl, I wish you were at some of the parties I go to! Whether I'd want to kill you for your abs or not, you would not be shut out of my conversations. Your kids are going to be just as much fun as you!

    TalkativeTaurus.com

  50. Renee
    February 21, 2011 | 3:32 pm

    Some women just won't let themselves have a good time. I personally would have loved to hear about the sister fucking the internet guy.

  51. Lori
    February 21, 2011 | 3:37 pm

    LOL I tend to enjoy saying things that make stuffy people gasp or turn red….I also tend to steer away from group gatherings that are much like this or to drink a lot in order to get through them…this is also one of the reasons I am the only woman sitting with the the group of men. :)

  52. That would be a very cool…but painful…tattoo :-)

  53. Deborah
    February 21, 2011 | 3:41 pm

    That was one of the funniest things I've ever read! Love the tattoo idea…LOL

  54. Lindsey
    February 21, 2011 | 3:45 pm

    Do you know, I JUST played “twat” in scrabble last night? Really, I did. My partner snorted up her chocolate milk and kept going.

    I don't think of the silences as awkward. To me, the ladies are stunned by my apparent wisdom.

  55. Annabelle
    February 21, 2011 | 3:51 pm

    You could sit at our table any day and fit right in.

  56. KittyCat
    February 21, 2011 | 4:04 pm

    Sounds like these ladies need to loosen up a bit.

    Maybe next time you should bring some alcohol.

    : )

  57. Busy Bee Suz
    February 21, 2011 | 4:21 pm

    I imagine they are still talking about YOU!!!!!
    xo

  58. Kate
    February 21, 2011 | 4:22 pm

    I wouldn't have said it, but I probably would have thought most of the things you said. Conversations like the way this one played out are why, typically, I'd rather hang out with the kids or the men (often, little difference between the two groups).

  59. Holly Ruggiero
    February 21, 2011 | 4:29 pm

    Hey, you never told how the sheep were sheered.

  60. pattypunker
    February 21, 2011 | 4:31 pm

    i can totally relate! i never have anything appropriate to say at those things and have nothing to contribute to the boring converations they're having. it's like a contest of who is more righteous and moral, and therefore the better parent. my daughter is super smart, independent, athletic, sophisticated and mature – and she's been raised by a couple of liberal-minded lunatics.

  61. Texan Zombie Goddess
    February 21, 2011 | 4:35 pm

    Holy shit. I would have to kill the bunch of boring old bitties after a while. I think if you sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other, and all the twats sat between us, we could get them to explode. I'm just saying…

  62. nitebyrd
    February 21, 2011 | 4:39 pm

    Gods! I can't stand women who have a bunch of snotty kids and act like they originated virgin birth!

    Women like you are so much more fun to talk to. Embracing your inner bitch is so much better than trying to shut her up!

  63. Just Sayin...
    February 21, 2011 | 4:46 pm

    I simply just fell in love with you! Can we be friends?
    Omg my stomach hurts from laughing, cos I can see the look on the faces of these women!!!

    You would fit in nicely with my group. lol

    I should go look at myself in a mirror now and see if all this laughing is making my abs ripped.

  64. Jumble Mash
    February 21, 2011 | 4:57 pm

    Hahaha…let's have dinner together Sandra. I'd totally be up for your conversation pieces.

  65. JennyJenJen
    February 21, 2011 | 5:03 pm

    next time, you should go totally off the deep end and just start making shit up–

    like, “hey, wayne and i like to swing on the weekends.. any takers?” or, “the other day when i was masturbating, i was just about to cum and my vibrator exploded! i had to have vaginoplasty, and now my twat is size of a 13 year old girls. isn't that great?!?” or how bout the always appropriate icebreaker, “hey ladies, what are your thoughts on anal?”

    :D

    fuck those bitches. fuck them right in the ear.

  66. Ameena
    February 21, 2011 | 5:24 pm

    I wish your kids went to my kid's school so we could be friends. I've found one mom who gets me and the rest of them are just not interested in my odd humor. Seriously, they are far more concerned about who's driving what carpool to the field trip. I don't get it?

    I think you are hysterical. I'd laugh at the silence if I were you – and just know that someone else can relate!!

  67. Ameena
    February 21, 2011 | 5:24 pm

    PS – Call me crazy but why on earth would anyone marry someone who shears sheep? That just spells disaster.

  68. Ninja Mike
    February 21, 2011 | 5:29 pm

    God, people suck. I feel like a majority of parents are the people I refer to-really boring and nothing interesting to talk about. If we ever happen to meet, I assure you, your awesome words won't be met with awkward silence. I'll try to outdo you with strangeness and it shall be fun.

  69. twelvedaysold
    February 21, 2011 | 5:35 pm

    Please stop confirming what I'm afraid of when I have children. STOP THAT.

  70. Jessica
    February 21, 2011 | 5:37 pm

    I hate going to those gatherings where the kids play in one area, the guys watch tv, and I am expected to hang out with the women. Usually I try to avoid those occasssions by saying one of the kids is sick or I have too much homework to do. I can only imagine the conversation at the table after you left.

    I think the lawnmower idea for a tattoo is hilarious.

  71. Jess @ Blonde Ponytail
    February 21, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    There are so many things I want to comment on in this post! HAHAHAHA! You sound like the cool mom that calls it like it is and says what most are thinking but too afraid to say! Love it–really, what happened the sheep herder's wife?!

    I'm so glad you stopped by my blog–I'm already looking forward to following yours!

  72. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com
    February 21, 2011 | 5:57 pm

    I want you for my neighbor, Sandra. You're so unlike the other moms, and that's why we all love you.
    xoRobyn

  73. Heather
    February 21, 2011 | 6:15 pm

    Thank you for reminding me why I largely stick close to the same friends I have had since the 6th grade. They are used to my conversational skills which sound somewhat like yours.

  74. Sparkling
    February 21, 2011 | 6:16 pm

    Wow, what is wrong with people???? I'd love to have these conversations instead of the boring conversations I always seem to be involved in.

  75. CkretsGalore
    February 21, 2011 | 6:29 pm

    That's what I'm terrified of. I want to be a parent but I don't want to have be a part of the parent club thingy. I may not be as blunt as you in person but I'm still certainly colourful and don't always play well with others. Especially when it comes to women. A-Typical women that is.

  76. Rebecca
    February 21, 2011 | 7:11 pm

    Why don't you live by me? I'd totally WANT to be friends with you and I'd always be asking you to join me for coffee at the coffee shop all the time. (They have doughnuts and ice cream too!)

  77. anSeL
    February 21, 2011 | 8:12 pm

    wrong place, wrong party, wrong crowd, oh you poor girl!
    start your own partey!

  78. Coffeypot
    February 21, 2011 | 8:22 pm

    How 'bout the hate mail you are gonna get from me for NOT showing a picture of your abs…and everything north and south of them, too? And the only thing I want to know about the sheep is if the lady’s husband was fucking one.

  79. Linda Medrano
    February 21, 2011 | 8:59 pm

    Dear God! You need to move to California. I'm serious. You cannot be surrounded by these dolts. Grab Wayne and the kids and come on. We have nurses here too. And our nurses are much more nasty than you. Come on Sandra! I'll be your best friend!

  80. FreeFlying
    February 21, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    They are my definition of “ladies.” The goal is never to become one.

  81. Bibliomama
    February 21, 2011 | 9:07 pm

    Clearly you're in the wrong hockey league. You'd fit right in at our parties.

  82. twilightgazing
    February 21, 2011 | 9:19 pm

    Definitely time to hang with the guys… that gaggle would have left me screaming!

  83. Snake
    February 21, 2011 | 9:27 pm

    I never cared for many of those hockey team get-togethers either . . . But, I have to say, shearing sheep never came up in conversation! :)
    Ciao

  84. Monkey Man
    February 21, 2011 | 9:52 pm

    Now this may be foreign to you, but you could always ask these princesses questions about THEM. But that would go against all that is narcissistic and we can't have that.

    Clearly these idiots have no sense of humor. LIGHTEN UP, PEOPLE.

  85. Dani- danielleislosingit
    February 21, 2011 | 9:55 pm

    You are friggin hysterical. These woment obviously have no taste if they can't recognize your obvious talent for finding juicy subject matter. I will talk about people fucking other people with you any day of the week!

    PS: I have a special prize for you on my blog. Because you are awesome.

    http://danielleislosingit.blogspot.com/2011/02/and-winner-is.html

  86. Linda Paul
    February 21, 2011 | 11:12 pm

    Oh boy, Sandra, I simply must bop over here regularly. I will be your student of funny. Even your son has a start on a great comedy career…don't know where he could put that tattoo to use, but it would sure rock a few boats!

    I'm lucky, having never had children of my own, I missed most (but not all) of those dreadful gatherings that you just described. When faced with curtain climber claptrap, I usually tried to steer the topic toward politics, which made everyone just as nervous as the topic of sex or hot yoga would.
    BTW: Hot yoga is not for the feint of heart. I am feint of heart, but I have friends who wring themselves out at HY sessions. Frankly, I think it sounds like a medieval torture, but that's just the wuss dripping out of me.

  87. Jane Kennedy Sutton
    February 21, 2011 | 11:18 pm

    This post is going to have me laughing all night. Thanks!

  88. On My Soapbox
    February 21, 2011 | 11:25 pm

    Oh, one of *those* parties. Did you have at least one glass of wine when you got home?

  89. 1 Funky Woman
    February 21, 2011 | 11:52 pm

    OMGosh I want to talk to you at a party! We are like two peas in a pod. I am usually the one who throws in shocking statements just so I can see people wet themselves and then walk away. Seriously they wanted to talk about cutting the dam fur off of a sheep and not that she is fucking some Internet guy! These women are pathetic and only do it missionary!
    I love the fact that your son thought up that tattoo! I really want to see it one day!

    I noticed you following me and I am so glad!
    I now have a blog crush, yea!

    Megan

  90. 1 Funky Woman
    February 22, 2011 | 12:11 am

    I just had to put your button on my blog, you are awesome!

  91. becca
    February 22, 2011 | 12:29 am

    i am so sitting next to you at any party you are to funny i would never be bored

  92. Carri
    February 22, 2011 | 1:16 am

    OMG. I seriously love you, mostly because you remind me of my favorite person – me.
    What's wrong with the word twat, anyway? TWAT TWAT TWAT Twiggity-TWAT

  93. Anne
    February 22, 2011 | 1:24 am

    And that would be why I try to avoid going to gatherings. I always manage to say at least one thing that makes people go huh? Somehow, I am a lot less offensive over the Internet.

  94. StephanieC
    February 22, 2011 | 1:25 am

    Jaysus, 90+ comments, you will never see this.

    I so feel your social pain, but good for you being hilarious you and not some Robotic-Proper-(I forget the name of that movie with Nicole Kidman) Fake-Hockey-Mom-Wife shit.

    I guess that is why I have so few friends. I cannot and will not tolerate that holier than thou vrowd that can't laugh and take and/or make a good joke.
    StephanieC

    _

  95. Making It Work Mom
    February 22, 2011 | 2:49 am

    Well obviously you are in the wrong circle of Mommy friends. In my Football Mom group the mention of an affair would have been enough to talk about for hours – that mom would have been the star. And we would have immediately googled the boyfriend – hoping against hope for a picture so that we could decide for ourselves if he was worthy of an affair. But that is just me an my group.

    The tatoo idea is classic! Boys are incredbile thinkers.

  96. amanda
    February 22, 2011 | 4:18 am

    Too funny! You are a lot braver than I am. There's no way in hell I would have gone to hang out with those women.

  97. The Onion
    February 22, 2011 | 5:07 am

    HAHAHAHAHA

    The hockey moms need to lighten up! Even I am wondering about the sheep shearer's wife now.

    If I were you, I'd sit with the men. The conversation has to be better than that shit.

  98. Not Blessed Mama
    February 22, 2011 | 5:44 am

    i don't recall twat being in the scrabble dictionary…..
    BUT my son was pleased as hell that both shit and ass are accepted in words with friends.

  99. From Tracie
    February 22, 2011 | 7:46 am

    I have no clue what hot yoga is. Is it radically different from regular yoga?

    That tattoo? HI.LAR.I.OUS.

    Hanging out with the women in the kitchen is never a fun night. I am a knitter…and even I have never been *that* interested in sheep sheering.

  100. Snake
    February 22, 2011 | 1:22 pm

    NEVER have I doubted for one second that every word you post is true! lol Well, maybe that ONE time . . . :) Ciao baby!

  101. Holly
    February 22, 2011 | 1:25 pm

    Thank you! Thank you for making me laugh, making me feel like I am not a freak that is always causing problems at lame get-togethers, and thank you for your honesty. To refer to another post, when those publishers said your fictional (but based on true events) story wasn't realistic enough, they meant to say that most people are not trying to actually face reality. They want the perfect version of reality which is in fact not real life at all. You are awesome, and I would read your book any day!

  102. wanderingmenace
    February 22, 2011 | 1:45 pm

    hahahaha
    I too have an addiction to hot yoga!!
    At first it was hard not to laugh at the farting, but I totally agree-WORTH IT TO GET IN THERE EARLY. The mirror helps, I swear.
    I found your blog last fall, and then went on a bit of a hiatus, so glad to have rediscovered it today.
    I would have been bored out of my mind at that ladies table, too bad I wasn't there, we could have swapped hot yoga tales.
    :)

  103. Jill
    February 22, 2011 | 2:32 pm

    What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall! HILARIOUS!! Ps: Those women seem like such a DRAG

  104. Desiree
    February 22, 2011 | 4:48 pm

    Sandra, I'm going to challenge you now (after all, you did announce on the LG Report Interview, that you're planning to become World Leader) – scroll back and find Lazarus's comment, re-read it and then scroll all the way back down here to where I'm stuck (No 104, I believe) and then imagine me saying exactly, to the letter, what Lazarus said, OK? Because I'm in agreement with him.

    And thanks for stopping by my blog! I see you've even joined as a follower, bringing my numbers up to a close second to yours ;) If you don't remember my numbers go back, check and then check yours again, too (this is all good practice for one day when you're a World Leader!))
    OR WAS IT RULER OF THE WORLD??? Are they not one and the same thing these days???

  105. like.thunder
    February 22, 2011 | 6:39 pm

    That party obviously didn't have enough wine.

  106. gayle
    February 23, 2011 | 12:51 am

    Sounds like a very boring group of ladys!

  107. Marty
    February 23, 2011 | 2:39 am

    You sound like me…we enjoy saying crazy shit when in the company of such women…just to see the reaction on their faces is awesome.

  108. Taina
    February 23, 2011 | 1:00 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA! As a Swede in US I put myself in this position all the time with my “openess” and say the crazy things all the time. At the gym one day one of the ladies said she wanted to use the balls more (she meant the pilates balls) and I laughed and said “Yes! Let's have more balls!” Silence….

    Taina in CT

  109. 2busy
    February 23, 2011 | 4:10 pm

    I almost snorted out water from my nose. Lawn mower tattoo. Classic!

  110. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    February 23, 2011 | 5:54 pm

    Okay, now I'm a getting a good picture of you. You say–no, blurt–out loud what other people are thinking but are afraid to say. This means that you're either very bold and forward thinking, or mentally ill, and lacking the filters that normally keep people from saying the first thing that pops into their head. I don't know, and I don't care, because I like this quality in a woman very much. Better than being bored to death talking about boring shit.

  111. PBJdreamer
    February 23, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    you need to do stand up

    seriously

    that is all

  112. Shell
    February 24, 2011 | 1:51 pm

    Wow, those women are NO FUN at all. That is why I usually end up going to check on the kids and then go sit in with the guys.

  113. Cake Betch
    February 24, 2011 | 3:17 pm

    Oh goodness, that'd be me, running my mouth and making everyone else uncomfortable. lol

  114. Pearl
    February 25, 2011 | 12:24 am

    I think the moms of your son's friends are dry and boring. You were opening topics that could be start of good laughs and conversation…a little sense of humor is always nice for a get together.

  115. Danielle
    March 1, 2011 | 1:25 am

    I thought about how much fun we would have together the other day as I was trying to find a pencil to sta in my eye at my daughters gymastic/dance class. OMG, moms are so flipping irritating, gossipy and boring! I need you to with me to these functions!

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