I didn’t sign up for this!

The worst part of the day for me, is that time when I have to do “Home Reading” with my seven year old son, Terran.
He brings home a book every night, and it’s my responsibility to sit with him while he reads it.
Every night.
…did I mention that it’s every night???

The problem is though, the boy reads like shit.

According to his teacher, he’s doing quite well, and is moving up the reading levels consistently.
But when he reads with me, I swear he’s pretending he’s either in extreme pain, comatose, or retarded.

Tonight’s little torture device was entitled: The Fun Club Goes to the Post Office.
Sounds innocent enough, right.
Even sounds like it could be interesting.
A group of kids and their teacher going to explore areas previously unknown to them.
The post office.
Fun.                   
                              

Terran begins:   Miss Dimple… See that Mom?

Me:   See what?

Terran:   Miss Dimple? She has a dimple.

Me:   Yes. Read please.

Terran:   Miss Dimple took her Fun Club to the penis…

Me:   What? She did not take her Fun Club to the penis. Stop making up words.

Terran:   Oh! I didn’t realize it said post office. I thought it said penis.

Me:   No you didn’t.

Terran:   Yes I did.

Me:   No you didn’t.

Terran:   Yes I did.

Me:   Just read.           I HATE KIDS.

Terran:   Let’s mail these…

Me:   Terran, why are you writhing around. You look like you’re in excruciating pain. Just read. 

Terran:   I’m not in pain.

Me:   Then why are you all, “Look at me squirming with my face all scrunched up. I’m Pain Boy! Look at me I’m Pain Boy!”

Terran crying.

Me:   Why are you crying?

Terran crying even louder:   Because you’re making fun of me.

Me eyeing his eyes. No tears…:   Just read Terran. I’m sorry I made fun of you.   

Terran with no tears and instantaneously not crying anymore:   Ok. I’ll read. “I need three stamps,” Miss Dimple…see, that there Mom?

Me:   See what?  

Terran:   Miss Dimple has a dimple. There. Right there!

….Somebody shoot me. Just fucken shoot me…

Me:   Just read.

Terran:   Some people have monkeys here in the post office…

 
Me: The word is not “monkeys.”  What is that word right there?
 
Terran:  Oh! Some people have mountains…
 
Me:  Nope. Not mountains.
 
Terran:  Man?
 
Me:  Nope.
 
Terran:  Mold?
 
Me:  Nope.
 
Terran:  Mad?
 
Me:  Nope.
 
Terran:   McDonald’s?
 
Me:  Terran, read the word. Stop guessing. Just read the word. 
 
Seriously? Seriously? Somebody switched my baby at the hospital. This is not my kid…
 
Terran:  Oooooh! I got it: Some people have mailboxes!
 
Me trying to withhold sarcasm, but failing miserably:  Imagine that, mailboxes at the post office.
 
Me:  Ok. That’s enough reading for tonight. Mommy has to go and drown herself.
 
Terran:  What did you just say?
 
…oops, I think I said that last part out loud…
 
Me:   I have to go for my shower.
 
Honestly, at this point, I’d rather chew and swallow the book page by page than sit through another sentence.
A small bowel obstruction is a small price to pay for a few days off.
 
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134 Responses to I didn’t sign up for this!
  1. Kate @ SurroundedbyPenises
    February 1, 2011 | 4:16 am

    OMG I think I just woke up children, I am laughing so hard!! Awesome post, Sandra!!

  2. The Adorkable Ditz
    February 1, 2011 | 4:18 am

    Wow that's horrible. I'd wanna drown myself too. I hate it when kids do that.

    And I hear you, I didn't sign up for my brother. He never stops talking, and talking and talking.

    Like right now…

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  3. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    February 1, 2011 | 4:18 am

    I know parents are supposed to enjoy reading to their kids, but I hated it. All I could think was, “What the fuck is wrong with you, you idiot? You are NOT the fruit of my loins. Or even my looms.”

    As for your son's garbled reading, I'm not surprised. “Mrs. Dimple took her fun club to the post office?” I mean, come on, that's kiddie porn if I've ever read it.

    Great post! I'm officially adding you to my highly coveted blogroll. Yes, you are honored. Adn you're welcome, the pleasure is all mine.

  4. ChiTown Girl
    February 1, 2011 | 4:44 am

    Uh….yeah…

    WELCOME TO MY FUCKIN' WORLD, SISTA GIRL!!!!!

    Imagine doing that for several hours a day, with 30 fucking kids!!!!!

    ok….deep breaths, deep breaths….

    I love my job, I love my job, I love my job….

    ;-)

  5. SkippyMom
    February 1, 2011 | 4:45 am

    Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha My youngest is thirteen and I don't have to suffer Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha Anymore.

    Two suggestions:

    1. render yourself death [I understand earplugs work well for this - but if you don't have any ice picks]

    2. go to a happy place in your head. Find a mantra and just keep repeating it over and over while Terran reads.

    Mine went something like this “There is a bottle of wine in the fridge. There is a bottle of wine in the fridge.”

    Just nod and smile once and a while.

    After 5 kids – I can guarantee they will know how to read even if you DON'T pay attention while you are supposed to “listen”.

    Actually he is a heck of a lot more entertaining then my kids ever word. The kid gets props for inserting the word “penis” in a post office story.

    I would probably listen and not correct. The possibilities are endless.

  6. SkippyMom
    February 1, 2011 | 4:46 am

    oh sh*t – that should've said DEAF, not DEATH, but then again…..

  7. SkippyMom
    February 1, 2011 | 4:48 am

    ::hanging my head in commentator shame::

    Also I missed a comma and that is WERE, not WORD.

    Did I mention there is a bottle of wine in my fridge.

  8. Yvonne
    February 1, 2011 | 4:55 am

    Ha! Kids are annoying and I don't have any! But I do have nieces and nephews and I thank God every day that I can give them back to their parents at the end of our visit!

  9. Julianna
    February 1, 2011 | 5:02 am

    I can't believe that Wayne didn't confiscate the book and check it for postal errors. :)

    Both of my boys have processing delays in reading and writing. This means that I feel your pain… REALLY feel your pain. Oldest had to finish his book tonight… 35 pages, all text, no pictures.

    *sigh*

    There's a place in Heaven for me, I just know it. -J

  10. Ash
    February 1, 2011 | 5:16 am

    I get to reading to my toddler, and she's 3, and I just wanna shoot myself thru every page. I can imagine when SHE starts to read it to me. Thanks for the preparation! I swear, your posts makes my day!

  11. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    February 1, 2011 | 5:20 am

    Pssssh. Bowel obstruction. A small price to pay for an end to the torment. You bout killed me with the “Mommy has to go and drown herself.” Glad you resisted the urge. You should just eliminate the problem. Conveniently “mis-place” the books..Every day.

  12. Sam
    February 1, 2011 | 5:22 am

    LOL! Thanks for making me almost choke to death on my goldfish handfuls. This is awesome.

  13. On My Soapbox
    February 1, 2011 | 5:23 am

    Uh oh! Sounds like someone is going to have to use his finger to read. No, not the middle one….

  14. Ash
    February 1, 2011 | 5:30 am

    aww kiddo is too sweet. :p

  15. anSeL
    February 1, 2011 | 5:30 am

    you're son is so funny and definitely he likes to torture you by reading like this… :)
    you know kids they are so smart to manipulate parents and have their attention.
    me? if they don't listen to me, i'll tell them ok enough i'll not listen to you also.

    darn kids.

  16. Renee
    February 1, 2011 | 5:34 am

    If she took her fun club to the penis it would have been an altogether different story…

    FYI, I read this to my blog-hating boyfriend & he nearly pissed himself. Kudos!

  17. Momma Jorje
    February 1, 2011 | 5:38 am

    I hate listening to children read aloud! Just another hint that I was NOT, after all, meant to be a school teacher!

  18. My SoCal Life
    February 1, 2011 | 5:40 am

    Oooh I better start reading to my kid now lol. Thx for the belly laugh

  19. Lazarus
    February 1, 2011 | 5:43 am

    “Mommy has to go drown herself,” I loved that line, made me laugh out loud, great post!

  20. Coffeypot
    February 1, 2011 | 5:49 am

    The kid has a future in comedy. It takes talent to see words that are funny in sentences that drive mom bat-shit crazy.

  21. Vee
    February 1, 2011 | 5:52 am

    Okay, you are too funny! And since your told me not to ever visit your blog, of course I had to do just that. Loved it!

  22. Lightning Bug's Butt
    February 1, 2011 | 7:36 am

    Yeah. Kids are kind of a drag. That's why God made them cute.

  23. Lady Old Soul
    February 1, 2011 | 7:47 am

    LMFAO You sound like me trying to get my daughter to pay some attention while I teach her the long division the teachers never bothered to. It gets UGLY. Wanna trade? Reading for 'rithmetic? xD

  24. lyndylou
    February 1, 2011 | 10:00 am

    hilarious! I feel your pain and been there, done that!

  25. Kimberly
    February 1, 2011 | 10:25 am

    Oh penis…
    You should make him read your nursing textbooks. You know, just for kicks ;)

  26. Gigi
    February 1, 2011 | 10:38 am

    Oh I remember those days….it was torture; pure torture.

  27. nuttycow
    February 1, 2011 | 11:13 am

    I think I speak for all of us when I say “what happens next? Does Mrs Dimple manage to lose the children? Does Mrs Dimple then go to the nearest bar to drown her sorrows?”

    We demand an answer.

  28. MissEmy
    February 1, 2011 | 11:16 am

    OMG – that sounds painful. I don't think I want kids. :P

  29. Symdaddy
    February 1, 2011 | 11:35 am

    Looks like you have a comedian on your hands … and how pleased am I that he is your son and not mine!

    I worked as a teaching assistant for a while and I know what the little buggers can be like when they decide they just wanna have fun!

  30. Texan Zombie Goddess
    February 1, 2011 | 12:16 pm

    Pfft!!! AMATEUR!!! I homeschooled my kids for five years and taught the two youngest to read. You want TORTURE???? You want PAIN??? You want to DROWN YOURSELF?? Try that one on for size ROFL!!!!!!

  31. Pink Feather Paradise
    February 1, 2011 | 12:23 pm

    yay for ad lib kids… next time just nod and say well done… if he wants to mess about .. join in… after all he must know the word already if he can swap it so well… technically your not a bad mother you've listened to him read… its not your fault he didn't get all the words right… my comment at parents evenings is “cough cough clears throat… so remind me again… who has the teaching degree?” tilts head ot one side with quizical look! ;D
    fab post!

    x Alex

  32. myevil3yearold
    February 1, 2011 | 12:24 pm

    I feeel your pain! Last night I had the joy of hearing Slowly, Slowly, Slowly Said the Sloth

  33. FreeFlying
    February 1, 2011 | 12:28 pm

    I've decided that you should give yourself props for interaction. I would be leaning back with my eyes closed murmuring, “mmhmm, her penis, her penis on the mountain…”

    Excellent parenting skills!

  34. suz
    February 1, 2011 | 12:35 pm

    “oh, I think you missed one! Go back and re-read THAT word.” – one of the many auto-pilot phrases of those years, along with the entire text of “The Cat in the Hat,” and “You don't have to like it, you just have to DO it.”

  35. Mamma has spoken
    February 1, 2011 | 12:39 pm

    Uhm, I think he's a little attention whore but then he's a boy :o /

  36. vanilla
    February 1, 2011 | 12:41 pm

    –then back in my classroom where there are from three to thirty of these.

  37. Mean Mama
    February 1, 2011 | 12:47 pm

    OMG I think our kids must be related… wait my daughter is adopted … maybe they are.

  38. Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches
    February 1, 2011 | 12:51 pm

    I would rather stick pins in my clitoris than read a book to a child… I hate it when I get really into the story (I find mailboxes and post office visits interesting you know) and then I hear 'I wanna see the picture, please let me see the picture'… Kids ruin MY reading time ;)

  39. Diane
    February 1, 2011 | 1:08 pm

    OMG, I so get this one! I also have a 7 year old and I swear you just described a reading session in my house to a tee…Last night the word he kept inserting was poop. Poop, Poop, Poop! UGHHH!!!

  40. Mrs. Tuna
    February 1, 2011 | 1:14 pm

    You could bribe one of your older kiddies with cash to read with him.

  41. Yogi♪♪♪
    February 1, 2011 | 1:30 pm

    Yep, when son does this to me I call it playing monkey. He is making a monkey out of Dad. He kind of grew out of it. Of course he does different things now to pull my chain.

  42. ms. caboo
    February 1, 2011 | 1:58 pm

    I love to read. It's my favorite thing. however, I hate to read out loud to kids, and I hate listening to kids read. I don't have any kids, but I do have lots of nieces and nephews. When they were little, and wanted me to read to them, I would read the first few sentences in a book, then say “yada yada yada–the end”. It was great to watch their faces–since they couldn't read, they had no idea! Ah, such memories.

  43. Flying high in the sky....
    February 1, 2011 | 1:59 pm

    haa…haa………..haaaaaaaaaa…….. loved every bit of it … you are an amazing writer!! thanks for making my heavy and tired evening a smiling one!! take care

  44. Anne
    February 1, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    Reading practice was the worst part of the day for me when my kids were learning the read. I used to try to make my husband do it. Now, my oldest is 11 and is one of the best readers in her class so it does get better. It is just really painful getting there.

  45. Shell
    February 1, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    OMG. What torture!

    I hate homework already and my oldest is only in kindergarten.

  46. Bouncin' Barb
    February 1, 2011 | 2:14 pm

    I have a suggestion. While he's reading drink that glass of OJ with lots of vodka in it. He'll never know and Mommy will laugh when he's being silly.

  47. crazedmama
    February 1, 2011 | 2:15 pm

    LOL, I'm going through the same thing with my 7 yr old. Some days he does really good with reading, other days he acts like it's the hardest thing for him to do. Then OTHER days he will read one or two words then just start rambling off about something else, like Mrs. Dimple having a dimple!

    It could be worse though… I have 6 year old twins, so next year I will have TWO! and my daughter is going to be the worst. She likes to play the poor little girl who can't do anything on her own role. *shoot me now*

  48. Mimi Foxmorton
    February 1, 2011 | 2:22 pm

    Seriously adore your blog!
    You can borrow my sewing machine anytime!
    ;)

  49. KittyCat
    February 1, 2011 | 2:42 pm

    At least when they get in HS (which they are still frekain required to read) you can sit and have reading time together. In silence. WE each get our own books.
    The soccerboy and I both love to read to we shut off the TV and have 45 of reading time.

    I love it!

  50. MommaKiss
    February 1, 2011 | 2:48 pm

    Kids learning to read are assholes.

  51. DCHY
    February 1, 2011 | 2:56 pm

    My older daughter took to reading like a duck to water. Waiting for my younger to see how she takes to reading…

    You have no idea how frustrating it is for me to try to read with my girls – I have NO WAY of knowing if they are reading the words correctly without slowing them down. I mean, I can't read and read their lips at the same time. Impossible! :)

  52. AutumH
    February 1, 2011 | 2:59 pm

    You just completely summed up what it's like to read with my 8 year old. Halfway through it I just want to shoot myself to end the misery and pain of it all. ;) Got to get a handle on this whole education thing though so I keep my chin up and trudge on.

  53. Gigi
    February 1, 2011 | 3:30 pm

    Yes. You nailed it. You nailed reading with a 7 year old. Why can't they just sound out the word instead of making ridiculous guesses? And when they make the guess, they don't actually listen to themselves to hear how ridiculous it sounds and doesn't make sense?

    ARGGGG!!!!!

  54. Heather
    February 1, 2011 | 3:36 pm

    Don't you have three older kids? Pay older kids to listen to younger sibling read! That is what I do.
    Or…have them read while you are cooking dinner, folding laundry, ect…better yet….watching tv. That way you don't really have to listen.
    Of course….none of my kids can read. KIDDING!

  55. Lindsey
    February 1, 2011 | 3:39 pm

    My son was the same way when he started reading. Hell, he might even be like that now. I gave up reading with him in second grade. He would look at a word and if it wasn't immediately apparent to him, he would guess. And guess, and guess, and guess some more. More time was taken by guessing than by actually.reading.the.darned.word. Whew, I'm getting stressed just remembering it. This could be why he has reading comprehension problems even now. He won't just read the words on the page.

  56. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    February 1, 2011 | 3:57 pm

    My youngest used to drive me nuts! This was so funny and maybe..just maybe..what you actually have there is a comedian ; )

  57. Jumble Mash
    February 1, 2011 | 4:04 pm

    Too funny!! love it.

  58. g.r. bigsby
    February 1, 2011 | 4:15 pm

    I remember when my youngest was learning to read and she would just guess at words instead of reading them. This carries on to this day in other areas of her life. God help me.

  59. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    February 1, 2011 | 4:17 pm

    hahaha this just cracked me up!!! brought back so many memories.I FELT this as I was reading it…the whole hurry up hurry up hurry up with my eyes wanting to roll back in my head feeling LOL
    my eledest 2 picked up really well and no longer needed to practice so much but the youngest was tortuous,and we did remedial reading at school too,for him to be in the programm I had to give my time to it and listen to other slow readers……….

  60. Brandy Rose
    February 1, 2011 | 4:22 pm

    Oh, he's gonna be a smartass…

  61. A Redhead Named Sam
    February 1, 2011 | 4:32 pm

    Hahaha

    It's posts like this that make me realize I'm not the only human female on the planet that doesn't have a high tolerance for sh*t like this. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.

    And your boy gets bonus points for equating post office and penis in the same book. Priceless!

    http://a-redhead-named-sam.blogspot.com

  62. Nicole
    February 1, 2011 | 4:32 pm

    My five and six year old each have TWO home reading books EVERY NIGHT.

  63. Queen B
    February 1, 2011 | 5:01 pm

    LOL. wouldn't it be fun(ny) if everyone's name was based on one of their features?

  64. life in the mom lane
    February 1, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    I do NOT miss those days!! *LOL*

  65. ella
    February 1, 2011 | 5:30 pm

    i hear you. We have to tell ours “Hey, quit faking being stupid or you're grounded”. She sobers right up.

  66. Meg at the Members Lounge
    February 1, 2011 | 6:07 pm

    Homework is always torture for the parent! Maybe sip on some wine during reading time?

  67. Bibliomama
    February 1, 2011 | 6:08 pm

    My kids are awesome readers, and I still hated sitting through the learning-to-read stage. It's true, you'd swear they'd been lobotomized. “Sound it out”. “M….I….L….K…..cow?” *Me stabbing my own eyes out*. Love, Mrs. Big-Ass

  68. meleah rebeccah
    February 1, 2011 | 6:23 pm

    I remember those days all too well. I HATED reading stories like that when my son was 7. Man I'm glad he's 14 and doesn't even want to know I exist, unless he need a ride to one of his friends houses. *said very sarcastically*

  69. Zoey's Mom
    February 1, 2011 | 6:25 pm

    Maybe if one of your older kids gets on your nerves make them read with him. :) I love your posts, and the penis in the post office made me laugh hard.

  70. The Minute Man's Wife
    February 1, 2011 | 6:41 pm

    That child is seriously testing you. I have a six year old that I also read with at bedtime and it's nothing like that at all!! You poor thing!! Maybe you should offer him a reward for not making any mistakes on the words?

  71. Mad Housewife
    February 1, 2011 | 6:53 pm

    This post is a classic! I so feel your pain though. Last year when my daughter was in Kindergarten I thought I would be the nice mommy who goes in and volunteers each week. Guess what one of my tasks was? Listening to each kid come in the teachers office and read off three sentences of their homework. Oh.my.god. By the end of each volunteering session I would come home and take a shot. Or two. Maybe three. Who the hell knows?

  72. Lisa
    February 1, 2011 | 7:02 pm

    OH MY GOSH! IT'S UNIVERSAL! I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my daughter can read on her own now. Remember the word “THE?” Or as all of my children liked to call it, “T—he.” That's right t-he. For about a year. Until it ended every evening with me throwing the book against the wall and slamming my bedroom door. Good luck with that.

  73. Sarah
    February 1, 2011 | 7:37 pm

    I am so glad to know i am not alone. i hate reading with my kid. and it's only just begun.

    my kid points at the words on the pages and screams each one. it's so fun.

    not completely unrelated, i hate snow days.

  74. carma
    February 1, 2011 | 7:55 pm

    and you have to do this every night huh? have you considered hiring a stand-in?

  75. My Big Secret Blog :)
    February 1, 2011 | 8:14 pm

    I used to LOVE reading to my Mum as a kid. I had no idea it must have been so irritating. Sigh.

  76. Snuggle Wasteland
    February 1, 2011 | 8:16 pm

    Make your husband do the nightly reading gig. {That's what I do.}

    Or have one of the older kids do it. {I do that if the husband isn't home.}

  77. Stephanie
    February 1, 2011 | 8:22 pm

    HAH! Lady you are TOO much! (but like…in a good way?) Where have you been my whole life?

  78. becca
    February 1, 2011 | 8:26 pm

    that's kids for you

  79. blueviolet
    February 1, 2011 | 8:32 pm

    That was nearly as excruciating for us reliving it with you as it must have been for you firsthand!

  80. Catherine Dabels
    February 1, 2011 | 8:44 pm

    Wait…. we're supposed to read to our kids?? I'm so glad I ignored that memo.

  81. Nicole
    February 1, 2011 | 8:47 pm

    You are singing my song!!! I read with Bee (my 5yo) every night, and, although I've seen her read an easy reader book to herself without having read it before, she acts like the alphabet has turned to Chinese characters.

    I loathe this. . . not the post, the reading BS.

  82. Jenner
    February 1, 2011 | 9:35 pm

    I almost fell off of my chair laughing just now. Thank god I found your blog today, I needed that!!

  83. Vinny C
    February 1, 2011 | 10:04 pm

    You have considered the possibility that he's smarter than he's letting on & that he's totally messing with you, right?

    I'd watch out for that kid, if I were you.

  84. anymommy
    February 1, 2011 | 10:14 pm

    Copying posts – AND THAT INCLUDES COPYING IDEAS FOR POSTS and changing them, sort of, to make it look like yours – is not okay. Get out of my feed, lady, your behavior sucks!

  85. Copyboy
    February 1, 2011 | 10:29 pm

    Only you can turn a “reading with your child” experience into the funniest %$#% on the planet. Ms. Dimple's Penis? Classic!!!

  86. Alexis AKA MOM
    February 1, 2011 | 10:51 pm

    You have just described my nights!

  87. caterpillar
    February 2, 2011 | 12:32 am

    Lol…don't I just looooove kids or what….

  88. gayle
    February 2, 2011 | 1:01 am

    You are so funny!!! I love this post!! I felt the same way when my youngest daughter use to read to me. She did the same things as your son!

  89. karensomethingorother
    February 2, 2011 | 2:15 am

    could they have made the book any duller? Seriously, perhaps next time Miss Dimple will take the kids to the textbook printer, or the toothpick factory.

  90. Making It Work Mom
    February 2, 2011 | 3:51 am

    If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids started crying when I made fun of them…

    My son is a painful reader. And he is a guesser. The guessing gets to me, I mean really could he even try. My oldest is a good reader. In fact I don't even remember her learning to read. I certainly didn't sit with her at the kitchen table painfully reading the most boring book possible, I would have remembered that.
    Good luck – only 5 more months of school for this year!

  91. MamaKK922
    February 2, 2011 | 4:20 am

    LMAO OMG my son does the same thing. I make him read with is father. Because someone is leaving that reading session in a body bag. And it won't be me. I want to harm him. I think it's a 7 year old boy thing. I think.

  92. Joann Mannix
    February 2, 2011 | 4:28 am

    You have just uttered the most classic line I have ever read on a blog, “The boy reads like shit.” I howled at that one. I remember when my girls were little. At that age, I would have scrubbed my eyeballs with SOS pads bathed in acid than have those girls read to me. It was utter, utter pain.

    I love you for telling it the freakin' way it is, my girl.

  93. Bridget
    February 2, 2011 | 4:52 am

    Too funny! My child does this with books and songs…yay for me!

  94. WhisperingWriter
    February 2, 2011 | 5:11 am

    I HATE reading with my son. And the thing is, I LOVE reading but when I have to do it with him, it's torture.

  95. Lori
    February 2, 2011 | 5:37 am

    LOL Yep that pretty much sums up what it's like to read with kids. This time around I do it while drinking a glass of wine. :)

  96. Margaret (Nanny Goats)
    February 2, 2011 | 7:47 am

    Awwww, isn't that sweet? He's just stalling because he wants to spend as much as possible with you.

    Like a cold.

  97. ryoko861
    February 2, 2011 | 12:53 pm

    I am SO glad my kids graduated high school! It was quite an achievement! I didn't think they would make it. Reading isn't one of their strong points (neither was math, english, gym, or history). I feel you on this one! It's total torture!!
    He's messin' with ya. He knows the words. Kids always act differently around their parents.

  98. Slyde
    February 2, 2011 | 4:00 pm

    i ALWAYS bring my penis to the Fun Club…

    it isnt very darn fun without it…

  99. Joann Mannix
    February 2, 2011 | 5:04 pm

    You are just going to love me so much. I tagged you in a stupid meme. I don't do stupid memes, but I was forced into this one, by someone I love. Check out my post. Hope you don't mind, I quoted your, “The boy reads like shit” line. I can not get over the fabulousness of that line. Meme away.

  100. diane rene
    February 2, 2011 | 5:17 pm

    OMGAWD!
    THANK YOU!!
    I seriously thought I was the only one on the fricken planet that has to deal with this … this … CRAP! every fricken night!
    I feel for you, I really REALLY feel for you. and I'm sorry.

  101. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    February 2, 2011 | 5:43 pm

    I am so behind on blogs. This just cracked me up. Good save at the end with the shower line. You are so quick! I'm so glad that is all over for me now.

  102. randine
    February 2, 2011 | 6:14 pm

    Ha ha, that was too funny. I'm going through the exact same thing. My daughter has those cursed books. Her memory span is appalling. She'll get stumped by a word- like and or the- and so I'll tell her. It will come up on the next page. I'll point at it and be like “remember this one?” and she'll just sit and stare at it, squinting. “Remember,” I urge, trying to keep the frustration “From two seconds ago??”
    It's like 'you know what? Reading is overrated. Let's watch TV.”

  103. Monkey Man
    February 2, 2011 | 7:48 pm

    Another win for boykind.

  104. Fizzgig
    February 2, 2011 | 8:31 pm

    miss dimple you say? sounds exciting! lol

    This goes along with my fb post last night

    “the only time i regret NOT having kids is after coming in from shoveling my own driveway. And when I do dishes. And laundry.”

  105. Myya
    February 2, 2011 | 10:22 pm

    I'm not there yet… guess I should be really thankful huh! :)

  106. Pamela
    February 2, 2011 | 11:10 pm

    After the day I just spent at home with my son, I feel your pain. Sometimes I really hate kids too. I mean, I love him, but…well, you know what I mean!

  107. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    February 3, 2011 | 12:35 am

    sandra….yours is funnier!!!! wayy funnier.

    using an idea and running with it is not wrong otherwise there'd be like ..4 blogs in the whole interweb!!!

    and judging by over 100 comments… we all could have written something similar……. :)

  108. Kimberly
    February 3, 2011 | 1:02 am

    So funny! Your blog reads like the stuff that goes through my head. I'm hooked!

  109. Funny in My Mind
    February 3, 2011 | 1:16 am

    You slay me.
    I used to hate reading Dr. Seuss, the kids always corrected me when I said the stupid Seuss names names wrong. I thought some of those names sounded sexually explicit anyway.

    You know what is equally bad? Going to the 6th grade band concert when they first get their horns. Torture.

  110. Secure Web Hosting
    February 3, 2011 | 1:19 am

    How were you able to keep a straight face for that long? I thought kids' books were supposed to be more entertaining then back in our day. Clearly Mrs. Dimple hasn't been paying attention to Dr. Suess. At least that's like taking a hit of acid…

  111. Patti Murphy
    February 3, 2011 | 2:28 am

    I feel your pain. When my friends talk about their kids in their gifted classes, well…

  112. Bless My Bitchy Heart
    February 3, 2011 | 3:36 am

    Thank you! Laughed hard!

  113. Melissa
    February 3, 2011 | 4:06 am

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh. That was hilarious. My daughter used to do the same thing…guess a word over and over instead of actually reading it. It can be excruciating at that stage. One of us used to always end a reading session crying.

  114. From Tracie
    February 3, 2011 | 8:16 am

    Oh so funny.

    My daughter always wants to stop in the middle of the sentence and remind me of previous things in the story that this sentence is referring too (just in case I suddenly became brain dead while she was reading to me)

    Also….pictures in children's books are awful. They are just there to distract and make the reading last longer. I'm all for the picture-less children's books.

  115. Roxie-Girl
    February 3, 2011 | 1:21 pm

    Very funny post Sandra! I'm sure you've been told, but girl, the reason I love your blog so much, is cuz you are not afraid to say what others feel.
    I think you need to write an entire book of short stories, but that is just my humble opinion.

    xoxo
    Roxie-Girl

  116. Megan (Best of Fates)
    February 3, 2011 | 3:24 pm

    But MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I want my Fun Club to go to the penis!

    We always have to go the post office.

    And that's not nearly as emotionally scaring or hilarious when retold.

  117. HulaBuns
    February 3, 2011 | 3:41 pm

    LOL!!!! I have missed reading your blog. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I had continued to read it regularly I wouldn't be such a grump lately. Thanks for the laugh! :)

  118. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    February 3, 2011 | 4:21 pm

    Haha, that does sound a bit awful. He's totally messing with you . . . penis? Yeah right!

  119. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    February 3, 2011 | 4:57 pm

    Oh my GOODNESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! He is such a tease! He really is, that is hilarious! Have fun with your nightly reading, wish I could watch!

  120. Kirby
    February 3, 2011 | 9:05 pm

    My sister home schools her 5 childred (2 are in regular high school now) and she absolutely HATED teaching each and every one of them to read – she said it was pure torture.

  121. Nari
    February 3, 2011 | 10:30 pm

    That was hilarious! I love your parenting technique.

    When my girls started learning to read, I couldn't stand the slowness so I made a deal with them. They would read the first sentence and I would read the next few pages and then they would read another sentence.

    I explained that as they got better, they could read more but that it was unfair of their teachers to expect Mommy to spend this much time on one little book since I was a working mom and didn't have the same amount of home time as some other mothers did.

    I basically suggested to my children that the teacher was just being somewhat lazy by pawning off her work on me.

    My children will probably end up in therapy someday but it worked. They are 18 & 19 and they are avid readers and my 19 year old hopes to be a published writer in the future.

  122. Jen
    February 3, 2011 | 11:16 pm

    OMG I almost couldn't read it because I have to suffer the same torture each night with my 7 year old daughter who also sucks at reading. I just drink, that helps a lot.

  123. Impulsive Addict
    February 3, 2011 | 11:17 pm

    HOLY 120 SOMETHING COMMENTS!!! It took forever to scroll down that I think I forgot what I was going to say!

    You're super funny and I may have a small girl crush on you. I want to parent Emma JUST LIKE YOU! Is that messed up? Probably.

  124. Dee
    February 3, 2011 | 11:27 pm

    KIDS!!!! LOL.

  125. the queen
    February 4, 2011 | 1:08 am

    I just found your blog. Thank you for validating my life choices.

  126. Jill
    February 4, 2011 | 5:02 am

    I lack kid patience too. I'm hoping I grow out of it.

  127. perpetual plaques
    February 6, 2011 | 6:53 am

    Nice sense of humor you have here. I completely understand your point, I have two boys.

  128. Ange
    February 6, 2011 | 4:52 pm

    OMG, I love it. This is so like my son. You have to meet him (he is my only child that doesn't have a boring blog)…. http://www.alexthunderblogs.blogspot.com

  129. Boobies
    February 6, 2011 | 5:18 pm

    LMAO!!!!

    I love your honesty! 2 of my 3 can read….little man is probably going to make me want to eat a small library! EEEK!

  130. boardingschoolgirl
    February 6, 2011 | 7:37 pm

    I refused to learn to read for most of kindergarten and first grade, and now I love reading. I'm sure he'll get over it sooner or later (for your sake, I hope sooner).

  131. julie moore
    February 12, 2011 | 12:47 am

    I love that you say out loud what I have thought a million times when my kids were small. Hilarious!

  132. C.B.
    April 19, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    I don't have kids but if I ever do I wish my genetics will make them as I was. My father put a book in my hand when I was 3 and he showed me how to read (with the scariest eyes in the world I had better learn fast or he would've boiled me alive). By the time I got in kindergarden I could read childrens novels. My teachers would apparently just let me read a book when the other kids had to learn the alphabet! thanks dad for being the impersonation of the evil!

  133. C.B.
    April 19, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    I don't have kids but if I ever do I wish my genetics will make them as I was. My father put a book in my hand when I was 3 and he showed me how to read (with the scariest eyes in the world I had better learn fast or he would've boiled me alive). By the time I got in kindergarden I could read childrens novels. My teachers would apparently just let me read a book when the other kids had to learn the alphabet! thanks dad for being the impersonation of the evil!

  134. C.B.
    April 19, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    I don't have kids but if I ever do I wish my genetics will make them as I was. My father put a book in my hand when I was 3 and he showed me how to read (with the scariest eyes in the world I had better learn fast or he would've boiled me alive). By the time I got in kindergarden I could read childrens novels. My teachers would apparently just let me read a book when the other kids had to learn the alphabet! thanks dad for being the impersonation of the evil!

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