Genitalia brings families together…and so do boots!

First, let me start off by telling you about one of my favourite things EVA!
BOOTS!

Whooga Ugg Boots have just launched a fantastic chance to win a giveaway for everyone who signs up to their newsletter.
All you have to do is go to their website and subscribe and/or follow them on Twitter for a chance to win a pair of boots!
Boots, people! I love boots!

There is also an exclusive 10% discount code for my readers if you purchase within the next week.
Be sure to use this code: 1468ABSOLUTELY to reap the benefits of this awesome deal.
Boots, people!

Winners are drawn at the end of every month, and the giveaway is open to everyone in every country.

And now that you have all been assigned your mission, sit back and read on: the tales of the “Family Who Eats Together, Talks about Genitalia Together.”

The other day, I wrote this in my post:

Just this morning, her 13 year old asked her what a “scrub” was.

Since the princess knew the boy was obsessed with his genitalia, she assumed it was part of his anatomy.

She thought for a few minutes, and said, “I think a “scrub” is the piece of skin that connects your testicles to your anus.”
The boy said, “No! That’s called a gooch”
“A gooch? You’re sure about that?” the princess asked.
“Yes,” the boy replied. “So what’s a scrub?” he persisted.
“I don’t know,” the princess answered. “Does it have anything to do with sex? Is it something you heard at school?”
The boy did not know, which led the princess to realize that she would have to monitor the boy more closely when he went on the computer because “scrub” was probably some funky new term for tea-bagging or something else highly inappropriate for a teenager.

So tonight at supper, I say to my son, “I found out what a scrub is. It’s:
* a man with no class
* an annoying person
* an inferior competitor
* to embarass oneself by making a physical mistake,” ~directly quoted from Nicky‘s comment, author of We Work for Cheese~

Then I say, “By the way, none of my blog readers knew what a “gooch” was. I was informed that the piece of skin between the testicles and the anus is a “taint.” Ever hear of that?”
The 13 year old shakes his head no.

I look to the almost 15 year old. “How ’bout you? Did you know that?”
He says, “Nope. A taint is a butt.”
“It is not a butt,” I say. “It’s the flap of skin between the testicles and the anus.”

Of course I could stop repeating this sentence over and over again, but I like the way my 13 year old’s eyes light up with glee when we engage in these deep philosophical discussions.

I then look up and say to my 11 year old daughter, who is listening intently to the conversation, “You are going to be the most well-versed girl when it comes to male genitalia.”
She nods sagely.

Oh, sure, I know I could be discussing more appropriate topics with my kids: world peace, global warming, anti-bullying campaigns.
Something, right.

But remember the post about ball clacking?
The family had hours of entertainment over this particular topic.
Even after I wrote about it, and the kid knew I had written about it, he continued practicing the maneuver incesssantly.
We finally had to ban the activity during meal times, or as Wayne said, “Get your hands out of your pants and eat your food!”

Thing is though, my 13 year old isn’t exactly deep and worldly.
His life revolves around video games and sexual organs.
So I work with what I got, and if that means keeping the lines of communication open by taking part in discussions about the flap of skin that connects the testicles to the anus, then I will.

So as we were discussing exactly what a taint was, Jackson says, “Did you blog about this Mom?”
“Yes.”
“I’m famous on your blog, aren’t I?” he said proudly.
“Yes.”
“Do you think I could start reading your blog?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not appropriate. I say the ‘F’ word.”
All the children roll their eyes.
Wyatt interjects, “Yeah, ’cause we’ve never heard that come out of your mouth.”
Shuddup.

Jackson then says, “Well, I’ve read inappropriate blogs before. One day you had left the computer open to a post called “Princess P and the Bitch.” It wasn’t appropriate.”

“What do you mean Princess P?” I asked. “As in P-E-A?”
“No. As in P-E-E. That comes out of the vagina.”

Ok, in most homes this conversation may have taken on an entirely different direction.
In my home, however, I say, “Pee does not come out of the vagina. It comes out of the urethra.”

As is frequently the case at my dinner table, the discussion went from “Princess Pee” to an anatomical description of the female urethra versus the male urethra.

Needless to say, Princess Pee quickly took a backseat to a discussion featuring the words “wiping front to back will avoid moving bacteria from anus to vagina.”

…I wonder if Dr. Ruth is retiring soon.
I’m pretty sure I could rock that gig.

Did you like this? Share it:
88 Responses to Genitalia brings families together…and so do boots!
  1. Brenda Susan
    February 9, 2011 | 5:02 am

    Speechless…….yet I couldn't look away!

  2. SkippyMom
    February 9, 2011 | 5:14 am

    “I am pretty sure I could rock that gig.”

    Um, yes..yes you could. heehee

    But you need to age by thirty years, shink 6 inches, develop osteoparosis and buy off the rack polyester suits. With matching shoes from Payless.

    God love the woman – but you have some work to do there Sandra. giggle

  3. The Darling Girlfriends
    February 9, 2011 | 5:15 am

    I want to come have dinner at your house so I can join in on the fun conversations.

  4. Belle
    February 9, 2011 | 5:16 am

    Your open attitude with your children is great. I wish you had been my mom. All I got was a book.

  5. Coffeypot
    February 9, 2011 | 5:25 am

    You are correct in that the little skin between the genital area and the anus is a taint. But do you know why? In my high school it was only called that on a girl, and it's call that because it taint pussy and it taint asshole. And sometimes it's a good way to pick her up to save her from drowsing in her own drunken puke…kinda like picking up a bowling ball.

  6. Dani- danielleislosingit
    February 9, 2011 | 5:31 am

    Wow. You are getting your children ahead of the game. I never knew what a taint was until I was 19 and started reading Cosmo. Thats enlightenment for you.

  7. Yvonne
    February 9, 2011 | 5:35 am

    Where were YOU when I was 13??? All I got was sent to my 22 year old aunt to explain what a “period” was. I didn't even get a book! Oh and you would totally rock that gig! No doubt!

  8. Momma Jorje
    February 9, 2011 | 5:44 am

    LMAO! Okay first, I know from gooch. And the thing about “taint”… “It ain't the ass and it ain't the pussy” (so yeah, that isn't just a male part). lol

    I can not believe your children don't know from taint – what are you teaching them?! ;-)

    I just keep thinking, “SCRUB – isn't that was NURSES wear?!” but yeah, I am also familiar with some of the other definitions. There is even a song about Scrubs. Good song.

    I'm a firm believer in being interested in whatever interests your kids, so if that is balls and taints… well so be it. Besides, I think doctors take people more seriously when they know their body parts + its important to be comfortable discussing them!

  9. Jenner
    February 9, 2011 | 5:46 am

    My daughter is just 2 years old and I am already dealing with her pointing out anatomical features, which we have labeled “boob” and “henie”, the second was my husband's choice. I had no idea what to tell her. God, I'm glad I don't have boys!

  10. Laoch of Chicago
    February 9, 2011 | 5:49 am

    You definitely should have your own TV program.

  11. purplume
    February 9, 2011 | 6:02 am

    Yes you could. When my sones were teens my sister came to visit and liked asking them if they knew what a bj is? 'They' say it's good to learn stuff at home right?

  12. BeckEye
    February 9, 2011 | 6:04 am

    If only TLC would have written a song about gooches, there would be a lot less confusion.

  13. Jessica D Torres
    February 9, 2011 | 6:09 am

    I always laugh so hard when I read your posts. I could not imagine having these conversations at my dinner table but then again I don't have boys.

    I love the new site design!

  14. Renee
    February 9, 2011 | 6:11 am

    When you work in health care, the dinner table is not a sacred place. We went out recently for my MIL's bday. She works at the same nursing home as me, so she can really relate to my stories. So, at the busiest time of day, there we are in the middle of the restaurant talking & laughing…about vomit.

  15. Two Normal Moms
    February 9, 2011 | 6:14 am

    Okay, but that still leaves the question: what the hell is a gooch? LOL.

  16. dbs
    February 9, 2011 | 6:17 am

    Google wenis.

  17. Memphis Steve
    February 9, 2011 | 6:24 am

    You guys have the most fascinating conversations, none of which were ever allowed in the house I grew up in. And even if they had been my mom wouldn't have known half of what you know.

  18. Impulsive Addict
    February 9, 2011 | 6:34 am

    When Emma grows up, I'm sending her to you for sex ed. Deal?

    Love the conversations. They are awesome!

  19. Nicky
    February 9, 2011 | 10:21 am

    Thank you for the shout-out! Just trying to do my part for mankind. That, and as the mother of 3 boys and the girlfriend of the world's oldest adolescent, your dinner-time conversations bear a striking resemblance to mine! Whenever we go out for supper, whether it be a restaurant or over to family/friends, the drive there is made up of me repeating “And nobody is going to mention their penis!”

  20. Sparkling
    February 9, 2011 | 12:13 pm

    If this is what happens when you have mostly boys, I don't know what I would do. But, being a teacher/actress, I can put on the most brave fronts when saying words (repeating them) that I never use and hate with all my might. So I suppose under the guise of nurse, I would be able to handle it. You all have me rolling on the floor.

    And I think it's really funny that you posted about boots, considering my current desperation for a pair. But, with my luck, I'd win the effin' uggs and be stuck with boots I would never be caught dead in.

  21. Mamma has spoken
    February 9, 2011 | 12:26 pm

    You need to discover the urban dictionary on line:
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/popular.php?character=A
    it's how I know what so many of those things mean when the sons won't tell me.
    You're welcome ;o)

  22. MommaKiss
    February 9, 2011 | 12:45 pm

    jesuschrist, i do not want to have these conversations with my sons. i'm gonna have to, aren't i? shit.

  23. " Hit It......."
    February 9, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    I think you would give Dr. Ruth a run for her money! Maybe you should start a clean language blog for the teens and tweens. You are very good at explaining things on their level. I could totally avoid these conversations. I could just say look it up on the “Princess's blog.”

  24. " Hit It......."
    February 9, 2011 | 1:59 pm

    I have to clarify; have two blogs. One for us and one for the kids! :)

  25. ryoko861
    February 9, 2011 | 2:07 pm

    Wow, you do have interesting and very stimulating conversations with your teenagers. Can you imagine what they talk about with their peers in school? Scary.

  26. laughingwolf
    February 9, 2011 | 2:12 pm

    i have an entirely different definition for 'taint', but then, i AM canadian! :P lol

  27. laughingwolf
    February 9, 2011 | 2:14 pm

    ooops… coffeypot posted the one i know of!

  28. ModernMom
    February 9, 2011 | 2:16 pm

    Every time I pop over here you are teaching me something about teenage boys! :)

    PS Love my Uggs

  29. Julie
    February 9, 2011 | 2:30 pm

    Well openness is not a problem at your house. Really the lines of communitcations are there and that is what's important.
    Thanks for stopping by my friend. Take care and enjoy your day. God Bless!!
    P.S. I love the boots, I'm in the need of a pair…will go and check it out. Thank you!

  30. Jill
    February 9, 2011 | 2:39 pm

    Dr. Sandra! YES!

  31. becca
    February 9, 2011 | 2:46 pm

    ok now that i can finally breathe again i thank you for the valuable information you provide i know i will be ready for whatever my son should say when he becomes a teenager and if not i know who to ask for advice. thank you for another amazing post

  32. Annabelle
    February 9, 2011 | 3:04 pm

    Life with teens…gotta love it!

  33. Bouncin' Barb
    February 9, 2011 | 3:31 pm

    You could so rock it lady. Back when my son was in high school a 'scrub' was somebody who dressed really grungy and unkempt. Now it could be that we lived in New England or the times have changed. Just thought I'd share my wealth of knowledge of the world. hugs.

  34. g.r. bigsby
    February 9, 2011 | 3:36 pm

    Sounds like one of my conversations with my 14 year old. Great post.

  35. Bossy Betty
    February 9, 2011 | 3:38 pm

    I need you to come here and give the Fact of Life talk to my kids.

  36. -stephanie-
    February 9, 2011 | 4:03 pm

    My 8 year old daughter just told me the other night what she learned from other kids at school about male anatomy. She was kinda wrong so I got her up to speed. We had a good laugh.

  37. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    February 9, 2011 | 4:08 pm

    Love your blogs! They are truly entertaining. Sorry, I haven't been around much. I have a virus so I'm using my boyfriend's for a while.

  38. Snake
    February 9, 2011 | 4:09 pm

    Why NOT talk about genitalia at the dinner table? After all, aren't they the body parts we need to survive? Take away the genitalia and nobody's eating anything . . . I know that can be taken a couple of ways, but you know what I'm saying, right? lol I'm talking about food . . . Ciao baby!

    PS Great post S!

  39. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    February 9, 2011 | 5:12 pm
  40. Pink Satin Sashes
    February 9, 2011 | 5:23 pm

    You people sure are informative. Over on Ow, my angst I learned what a furburger was, now I learn taint etc. My boys do not discuss this **much** with us. I will have to bring it up and see what they say…

  41. ib
    February 9, 2011 | 5:55 pm

    And here I was thinking that my little family was the only family that often had discussions that start out with, “mommy, what's a hot dog?” and quickly digress to a blow by blow recap of how it was that my little girl came to be, and then having to explain the difference between a “hot dog” and a dong. I feel better about my wife and I's parenting prowess.

  42. KittyCat
    February 9, 2011 | 6:33 pm

    Nothing wrong with having all the facts. : )

    my kids and i talk about similar subjects, the only thing the soccerboy wont talk to me about is girls.
    WTH?

  43. Yankee Girl
    February 9, 2011 | 6:56 pm

    I just knew that coming here would totally repair my terrible day!

    Thank you!

  44. meleah rebeccah
    February 9, 2011 | 7:07 pm

    Boots! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

    Seriously though, I love how open and honest you are with your children. They are VERY lucky to have a mom like you.

  45. Rebecca
    February 9, 2011 | 7:20 pm

    Glad you had that discussion with your kids because I totally didn't know pee came out of my vagina until I was a really embarrassing age. You mean…there are THREE holes down there??!! Huh!

  46. Monkey Man
    February 9, 2011 | 7:49 pm

    Great dinner table talk. What did you have for dinner? Tacos and hot dogs??

    As to taint – It aint anus and it aint vagina (or penis as the case may be) hence…t'aint.

  47. twelvedaysold
    February 9, 2011 | 7:58 pm

    My husband thought my urethra was in my vagina.

    I guess that's all I have to say.♦

  48. Nari
    February 9, 2011 | 8:15 pm

    You are an awesome mom! And you are correct…taint a gooch, tis a taint.

  49. Cole
    February 9, 2011 | 8:21 pm

    Ummm, when I'm a teenager, Mommy's gonna ship me off to live at your house, 'kay?

  50. Heather
    February 9, 2011 | 9:04 pm

    Hey, following you from Bloggy Moms, would love for you to follow back http://www.thriftmomspot.com

  51. Kimberly
    February 9, 2011 | 9:19 pm

    Sometimes I tell my mother about my conversations with my boys…but then she always gets quiet and says, “Um” a lot.

    I like to think that because there's no topic off limits to me, my kids will talk to me.

    Unlike me with my mother.

  52. suz
    February 9, 2011 | 11:45 pm

    Had a lot of interesting dinner table conversations growing up. In fact 25 years later we still speak a language foreign to our spouses and kids. Nothing quite like that, though. Nope. Not ever. Oh the wasted opportunities…

  53. Saimi
    February 10, 2011 | 12:05 am

    Hahahahaha!!!!!

  54. Kimberly
    February 10, 2011 | 12:14 am

    Taint? Gooch? Those sound like names I'd call a family pet.
    Speaking of pet, I want to pet those boots. I hope I win.

  55. Sparkling
    February 10, 2011 | 12:20 am

    Wait, I always forget- do I wipe back to front or side to side?

  56. My Big Secret Blog :)
    February 10, 2011 | 12:25 am

    You must be an awesome nursing student!

  57. The Minute Man's Wife
    February 10, 2011 | 1:31 am

    I just recently became educated to the meaning of tea-bag when I was at my girlfriends house and she unknowningly asked her teenage son to give her a tea-bag and he rolled on the floor and laughed until he cried. Then an hour later when he had regained his composure he told us what it meant.

  58. Stephanie Faris
    February 10, 2011 | 1:39 am

    Yep, I've heard the word “taint” used to describe that.

    But when you said scrub, I thought of scrubs…the kind doctors wear!

  59. Sarahf
    February 10, 2011 | 1:45 am

    I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. Can I come for dinner?

  60. Linda Medrano
    February 10, 2011 | 1:54 am

    I am not coming for dinner at your home. Thank you anyway. I do not want to hear about “t'aint” when I'm eating my cauliflower. I do not want to discuss bodily functions during the dessert course either. Sandra! I love you.

  61. Mrs. Tuna
    February 10, 2011 | 1:58 am

    When I was twelve, my mom too me to see “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask”, the Woody Allen movie. Big mistake, I spent the whole time saying “I don't get it, why are those men dressed like sperm”

  62. Flying high in the sky....
    February 10, 2011 | 3:25 am

    hilarious!! i keep laughing like a an idiot while reading your blog..wonder what people around me think when they see me grinning at the screen…. too good!

  63. Madeline
    February 10, 2011 | 4:29 am

    Wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award

    http://professionallyinsanem.blogspot.com/2011/02/versatile-blog-award.html

  64. yep…you would rock that gig :-)

  65. The Empress
    February 10, 2011 | 6:38 am

    I talk this same way to my children, I love it.

    It's something my mother never did, and I wish she did.

  66. sim only deals
    February 10, 2011 | 10:17 am

    You are correct in that the little skin between the genital area and the anus is a taint. But do you know why? In my high school it was only called that on a girl, and it's call that because it taint pussy and it taint asshole.

  67. Buy Exchange
    February 10, 2011 | 11:26 am

    Amazing blog you have. Keep up the good work!

  68. Ms.Wasteland
    February 10, 2011 | 11:53 am

    Clearly, you've found your calling in life. Shouldn't Dr.Ruth be dead soon?

  69. Jumble Mash
    February 10, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    Hahaha…that is just too funny. So have we figured out what a gooch really is?

  70. A Beer for the Shower
    February 10, 2011 | 3:16 pm

    Have you seen the sequined Uggs? The ones that look like they got molested by a Bedazzler? Ugh!

  71. Shell
    February 10, 2011 | 3:27 pm

    Your kids give you the best blog fodder!

  72. DCHY
    February 10, 2011 | 3:50 pm

    Absolutely baffles me to no end how people would come up with terms for parts like “gooch” or “taint”. What's wrong with good ol' “perineum”? What's next…”dirty bowling alley”? LOL

  73. Megan (Best of Fates)
    February 10, 2011 | 5:54 pm

    Man, the older I get, the longer I live, the more I learn – I just come to realize that people would be smarter if only TLC had helped put together our education system.

  74. Penelope
    February 10, 2011 | 6:45 pm

    omg! lol

  75. Hannah
    February 10, 2011 | 7:49 pm

    This was so funny, but yet makes me dread when my son is old enough to want to talk about his boy parts. With my husband around, who knows where the conversation could lead! Great blog!

  76. Kara Hoag
    February 10, 2011 | 10:43 pm

    Hey, at least they'll know this stuff. And their friends too!

    visions unto myself

  77. SuzRocks
    February 11, 2011 | 1:02 am

    You're never to young to learn about urethra's and testicles and the correct way to wipe.

  78. Fizzgig
    February 11, 2011 | 2:02 am

    gooch is my second favorite name to call assholes, besides douche. douche is a classic and it covers all basis!

    Dr. Laura Birman i think is the new dr ruth, so you should kick her ass to the curb!

  79. Meghan
    February 11, 2011 | 2:31 am

    *ahem* actually Sandra, that flap of skin between the testicles and the anus is the perineum. Often referred to by pre-pubescent boys as their, “choda”. Clearly you missed Sue Johanson's talks this year :P

  80. Krissy
    February 11, 2011 | 3:10 am

    Woman, you have no idea how much most of us wish you had been our mother. You are all out there, and I love that about you!

    TalkativeTaurus.com

  81. Wombat Central
    February 11, 2011 | 3:54 am

    I'd tune in to hear Dr. Ruth's replacement talking about taints. To this day mom won't even say the word fart. You're doing your kids a favor. Trust me on this on.

  82. Lightning Bug's Butt
    February 11, 2011 | 5:00 am

    Perfectly fine dinner table subject!

    You sound like a fun mom!

  83. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    February 11, 2011 | 2:25 pm

    LMAO…your kids are hilarious :)

    taint and gooch…damn I'm 47 i've never heard of them,mayber not in the australian venacular.
    who'dhave thunkit I learned soemthing new lol on your blog no less :)

  84. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    February 12, 2011 | 6:17 am

    I let my kids read my blog, and then they tell their teachers, and then I get calls from their principals and I have to do a lot of fast talking.

    Sigh.

  85. gayle
    February 12, 2011 | 2:29 pm

    Love this! On a serious side…. One thing for sure is your teaching you kids to be comfortable about their bodies and that they can talk to you about anything!!

  86. Madge
    February 12, 2011 | 3:06 pm

    We call that flap of skin a taint, but most of the time we call it a chode. It also applies to the area between the vag and arse on women.

  87. Mad Housewife
    February 12, 2011 | 11:53 pm

    LMAO!!! Oh this is great! Can I come live at your house?

  88. From Tracie
    February 13, 2011 | 4:37 am

    This is the kind of conversations we have at my house too…maybe a bit toned down, but my daughter is only seven, in a few years I'm sure we will be right there with you.

    My parents? Never even had the sex talk with me……a friend's mom gave me a book. Eek!

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL ../../2011/02/genitalia-brings-families-together-and-so-do-boots.html/trackback