I hate boardgames.
I mean, I really hate boardgames.
Like hit me over the head with a round top shovel and bury me in the backyard if there is mention of playing boardgames.
But tonight I succumbed to the guilt of having spent the entire afternoon blog hopping rather than, I dunno, watching more movies with my kids or helping my seven year old learn how to read words that are longer than three letters.
So it was decided that in lieu of them playing video games, sitting at the computer watching YouTube videos on how to beat video games, and watching TV shows about little kids who have created video games and are now multimillionaires, I would play Scrabble with the kids.
Wyatt: 14 years old
Jax: 13 years old
Colin: 13 years old – not my child
-goes to expensive private school and wonders why my children aren’t going to expensive private school as well
Zoé: 11 years old – she cheats
Before the board even gets pulled out of the box, Jax is gleefully telling his friend that it’s his goal to spell the word “penis.”
And we’re off…
First person to go is Wyatt. He puts the letters: D-R-A-P on the board, and cheerfully announces, “Booya! I just spelled ‘drape’!”
I say, “…ummm…no. You just spelled ‘drap.’ That isn’t a word.”
Colin is next.
He spells the word ‘antlers.’
So of course, I can’t help but point out, “Colin, this is why you go to private school and my kids don’t.”
Because really, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t pass the entrance examinations when they can’t even spell fucken ‘drape’.
The game continues with Zoé spelling her own name.
Yes, we had agreed that proper names could be used as long as they were common like Frank, Bob, or Sally.
It was made clear that names such as Buphinder or any ethnic names we could not verify the spelling of were not going to be accepted, to which Jax had to clarify, “Does this mean I can’t spell ‘Wang’? That’s a proper name.”
We agreed that it could only be accepted if used in the context of a reproductive organ, not an Asian name.
Other words were added: dealer (not sure what kind of dealer, as in Vegas card dealer, or recreational drug dealer; thought it best not to ask for specification), nude, lube, and shot.
To the letters R-A-T, Jax adds W-A-T.
I’m like, “Ratwat? What exactly is a ratwat?”
Jax says, “Twat. Just twat.”
I explain, “You can’t just add on another word to one that’s previously there unless it completes it. Twat does not complete Rat.”
Wyatt makes me proud once again as he places the letters B-L-I-C-E, and cheerfully exclaims, “Bliss! On a double word score, that’s…”
I interrupt: “That’s not how you spell bliss.”
“Oh.” I’m so proud…sigh…
At one point, Jax has disappeared.
I yell out, “Jax, where are you? It’s your turn.”
He answers, “I’m in the can taking a dump.”
Colin says, “I can spell that!”
I say, “Spell what?”
He replies, “Dump.”
…sigh…so glad his parents are spending $15000/year on his education…
Jax returns from taking his dump, looks at his letters, and proudly says, “Look what I can spell! V-A-G!”
“Vag? What is a vag?” I ask.
“It’s short for vagina.”
I say, “Unless you can actually spell the word in its entirety, you can’t play vag.”…”and furthermore, what’s up with these words: vag and twat? Where are you getting this shit from?”
He replies, “Well what is a twat?”
I say, “It’s a derogatory term for vag.”
Well, at this point, I’ve lost complete control of the game.
Laughter and dirty boy jokes abound.
And quite frankly, I’ve been sitting in the chair acting like I’m having fun for 45 minutes.
Where’s the fucken round top shovel?
I think it’s interesting to note that the winner of the game is the genius who came up with the words: D-R-A-P and B-L-I-C-E.
…I know, right!
Where’s my reality TV show?