Waiting room thoughts at the doctor’s office

When there’s a sign by the receptionist’s desk saying “ZERO Tolerance for Verbal Abuse!” I can’t help but get a thrill at the thought of who the verbal abusers may be and when they’ll arrive.

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When there’s another sign saying, “No Public Washrooms” I remember I have to pee.

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I then notice that the waiting area smells like urine.

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If you’re going to sit down right next to me and start eating a chocolate bar, I will want to beat you over the head with it when you start smacking your lips and brown spittle congeals in the corners of your mouth.

image from here
If a lady outside is trying to get in through the door marked PLEASE USE OTHER ENTRANCE, I will point her to the proper door.
If she is still unable to find the proper entrance once I’ve motioned to it, waved her frantically in the right direction, and yelled through the window, “NO! NOT THIS DOOR! THAT ONE! THAT ONE OVER THERE!” then I’ll turn my attention back to gross-eating-chocolate-bar-guy, and pretend I don’t see her. 
If she doesn’t come in, I’ll get seen faster.

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When that lady does finally figure out which door to use and sandwiches me between herself and gross-eating-chocolate-bar-guy, even though all of the other seats in the waiting area are vacant…
…and proceeds to stare at me unblinkingly…for 3 straight minutes…and said lady bears the distinctive odor of urine…and then asks me, “Do you come here to get narcotics too?” I will leave through door marked “ALARM WILL SOUND IF DOOR IS OPENED.”

image from here

I will then go home and disinfect my nostrils with bleach…quite possibly my entire body.

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69 Responses to Waiting room thoughts at the doctor’s office
  1. ae
    January 25, 2011 | 5:25 am

    Haha! I love this! I am usually just thinking, “I really do not want to be here…Can I go yet?!”

  2. Kristina P.
    January 25, 2011 | 5:26 am

    We have two doors for our office. One clearly is marked “Police Entrance.” We also have 4 parking stalls, two of which are marked “Police Parking Only.” The others say Client Parking.

    How many times do you think people come through that door, and park in the police spots?

  3. dbs
    January 25, 2011 | 5:30 am

    During H1N1, we had our Christmas family photo taken at our local health clinic. In other words, I recommend embracing the insanity.

  4. Coffeypot
    January 25, 2011 | 5:33 am

    She asked for narcotics? Strange term. But I would have told her, yes, yes I do. And my contact is right out there (pointing to the Use Other Entrance door) and tell her the chocolate eating guy just got his out there. Then send her out the door and see how long it takes her to figure out how to get back in – with you at the rear exit for a fast getaway.

  5. Brenda Susan
    January 25, 2011 | 5:38 am

    So true! Those signs automatically set your mind on the wrong thing don't they? I definitely would be imagining the verbal abuse and looking at the receptionist to see if she probably deserved it or not.

  6. Garden of Egan
    January 25, 2011 | 5:47 am

    I stumbled over here from somewhere and I'm laughing!!!! So glad I did. Your posts are a crack up. You have some quirky humor.
    Probably comes from the wild weird world of nursing.

    Hope that rhinocloroxing goes ok.
    (being a nursing student I figure you'd know what a rhino was)

  7. Ash
    January 25, 2011 | 5:52 am

    yes we have to pee when we see those signs! lol

  8. G.~
    January 25, 2011 | 6:47 am

    Oh, the receptionist definitely deserves the verbal abuse, with her arrogant, entitled attitude and all. Hmmph. I'll reach over that desk and show her what abuse is really about.

    I see the NO SMOKING sign and I immediately have to smoke. It doesn't matter that the thought hadn't occurred to me earlier.

    And as far as chocolate eating guy? Well, he's gonna keel over from a myocardial infarction any day now, so we'll just let him enjoy his candy bar.

    Thanks for coming by.

  9. Impulsive Addict
    January 25, 2011 | 6:47 am

    OMG…you crack my shiz up!!!

  10. Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches
    January 25, 2011 | 7:32 am

    How did you manage to meet my entire family in one visit??

  11. Polly
    January 25, 2011 | 8:54 am

    And he didn't share…kook.

  12. ChiTown Girl
    January 25, 2011 | 10:30 am

    You're not sick, are you!? I hope not. I hope you were just sitting in that waiting room, get your daily dose of ca-razy!!

  13. Gigi
    January 25, 2011 | 11:00 am

    Whenever I am at the doctor's office – even if I'm not the sick one – after sitting in the waiting room FOREVER looking at some of the other “patients” I feel like I might be coming down with something ….

  14. Snuggle Wasteland
    January 25, 2011 | 11:32 am

    I was waiting in a PACKED ortho's office one time when some hillbilly came in with her mom and kids. She proceed to scream and curse at the receptionist (f bombs everywhere) because she didn't bring their insurance card and her kid couldn't be seen without it. Security had to come and escort her off the premises. I guess there's a reason for signs about verbal abuse.

  15. becca
    January 25, 2011 | 12:01 pm

    haha loved this

  16. myevil3yearold
    January 25, 2011 | 12:20 pm

    Why are they always creepy people at the doctor's office?

    * gerabege- my worde verification. I like it. it sounds French for garbage

  17. Canadianbloggergirl
    January 25, 2011 | 12:40 pm

    I have to admit, my doctors office and hospital ER waiting rooms are both quite comfortable.


  18. Mamma has spoken
    January 25, 2011 | 12:43 pm

    A doctor's office and no public restroom. That just sounds wrong. You can ALWAYS find a restroom at ANY doctor's office here. That's so they can make you pee in those too small cups.

  19. Kristen
    January 25, 2011 | 1:21 pm

    oh the joys of waiting rooms!

  20. Raquel's World
    January 25, 2011 | 1:25 pm

    This reminds me of my experience that I posted about -The Front Desk Bitch- That doctors office visit was whack and as I read your post I wondered if it was the same place.

  21. suz
    January 25, 2011 | 1:26 pm

    Umm, time to find a new doctor? I drive 45 minutes to see mine; I like him and (most of) his staff.

  22. ms. caboo
    January 25, 2011 | 1:29 pm

    Who eats chocolate in a doctor's waiting room? Really? And the pee smell–I'd probably get another doctor, or ask about the cleaning staff. They seem sub-par. :)

  23. Heather
    January 25, 2011 | 1:41 pm

    Blecky Bleck.
    Is this the result of universal health care?? (JUST KIDDING. I KNOW NOTIHNG ABOUT POLITICS!)

    I always wonder WHY people sit right next to me when 20 other seats are avaliable. AND on top of that I am an ugly magnet. It always seems to be the weirdos who plop down at a time when I am actually thankful to be in the gyno because I am ALONE!!

  24. Eliza
    January 25, 2011 | 1:53 pm

    Oh I do hate the Doctors waiting room.

  25. Patti Murphy
    January 25, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    This makes me appreciate my doctor all the more.

    I love the way you think. Thoughts take a similar loopdy-loop through my cranium too.

  26. Bird Shit and Baby Caca
    January 25, 2011 | 2:11 pm

    LOL I hate when people sit next to me in waiting rooms. They may be sick and I don't want them breathing on me.

  27. Gigi
    January 25, 2011 | 2:29 pm

    OMG I hate waiting rooms. And I hate when there's 100 open seats and someone sits next to me. No concept of personal space!

  28. Bouncin' Barb
    January 25, 2011 | 2:48 pm

    When you mentioned the smell of urine it made me think of the horrid smells at the nursing home my Dad was in. When you walked in the door it was all pretty and clean but once you got up on the floor, it smelled so bad. I don't think bleach up my nose could take that away. I can still smell it 14 years later. Blkkkkkk

  29. Carri
    January 25, 2011 | 2:49 pm

    You forgot about the guy who is SO IMPORTANT that he talks – no, yells! – into his cell phone the entire time. Because, you know, we all care what his stupid ass is up to.

  30. Bossy Betty
    January 25, 2011 | 2:58 pm

    I never want to touch the magazines in the office but i want to read them. Think I could ask someone there to just hold the magazine up for me and turn the pages when I say so?

  31. TheUnSoccerMom
    January 25, 2011 | 2:59 pm

    wow… sounds like our ER here…

    I need that Verbal Abuse sign for my desk. You wouldn't believe all the ugly crap I have to put up on a daily basis…

  32. Oilfield Trash
    January 25, 2011 | 3:05 pm

    I love this.

  33. Sarah
    January 25, 2011 | 3:21 pm

    You are hilarious.

    You probably already know.

  34. Big Fat Gini
    January 25, 2011 | 3:45 pm

    And that is why we never go to the doctor. I can get narcotics on my own. I mean, if I did that…


  35. Brandy Rose
    January 25, 2011 | 4:11 pm

    I can't do hospitals, or waiting rooms or even dentists offices. I get sick at the smell of them.

  36. Renee
    January 25, 2011 | 4:47 pm

    Why wouldn't a doctor's office have a public restroom??? What if someone is super sick – the kind of sick that doesn't stay inside, if you know what I mean…

    And, who eats in a watiing room? Gross…

  37. Good idea!!!

  38. Lightning Bug's Butt
    January 25, 2011 | 5:33 pm

    I want to be able to post a sign that says no verbal abuse at MY work!

  39. Jessica D Torres
    January 25, 2011 | 6:33 pm

    I always have to pee when I see the no restrooms sign. Eating in a doctor's office is nasty. I hate going to the doctor which is why I put off any appointments for as long as I can.

  40. Holly Ruggiero
    January 25, 2011 | 6:34 pm

    Yep, that would send me home too.

  41. Meri
    January 25, 2011 | 7:31 pm

    Haha- my favorite is the “no public washroom” signs. I've seen some real winners at the doctor's office…

  42. meleah rebeccah
    January 25, 2011 | 7:34 pm

    “I will then go home and disinfect my nostrils with bleach…quite possibly my entire body.”

    Ahahahahahahhahaha! Oh, you ALWAYS make me laugh!

  43. Rebecca
    January 25, 2011 | 7:43 pm

    So how are the grandkids? Any new photos or reports of the little eggers?

  44. My Big Secret Blog :)
    January 25, 2011 | 8:19 pm

    I'm thinking, “What a lovely lady you met!”

  45. Deborah
    January 25, 2011 | 8:22 pm

    Over signage and no washroom? Was this a free clinic? ;)

  46. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    January 25, 2011 | 8:45 pm

    Sounds awful! Did it really happen?

  47. nitebyrd
    January 25, 2011 | 8:56 pm

    Lemme tell you about getting verbally abused in a doctor's office. I bill/collect for a doctor, you cannot believe the verbal abuse I get daily. That and having to talk to urine smelling patients that have chocolate breath makes me wonder why I put up with it!

  48. Ann
    January 25, 2011 | 9:29 pm

    you should have told her that was the line for the chocolate bar, narcotics are next door :)

  49. Julianna
    January 25, 2011 | 9:35 pm

    When I worked retail, there was a lady who'd come in reaking of pee. Eventually someone would tell her to leave, and then she'd sue the company for discrimination.

    It was quite a scam. She lived in the nicest areas of Miami.

    Too bad her smell would kill anthing within a square mile block.


  50. Brandy@YDK
    January 25, 2011 | 9:36 pm

    i feel the need to be disinfected too

  51. Madame DeFarge
    January 25, 2011 | 9:41 pm

    I just wonder about the people who get a kick out of verbal abuse and get jobs at surgeries for that very reason.

  52. Geekin' Hard
    January 25, 2011 | 10:10 pm

    Makes me sad I don't get to see more of that great city in my travels… ;)

  53. Jill
    January 25, 2011 | 10:24 pm

    It's hard to believe you're in nursing school. Don't get me wrong, I feel the same way but I thought drs and nurses were immune to the heebie-jeebies…

  54. shortmama
    January 25, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    Do we have the same Dr because I swear youve described his waiting room

  55. Bibliomama
    January 26, 2011 | 12:21 am

    Kee-rist, where do you feel MORE like flinging around some good old verbal abuse? And when they put ads in the paper for clinic receptionists do they actually SAY 'only snippy bitches who can maintain an expression that says I just sucked a lemon for twelve hours in a row need apply?'.

  56. Sparkling
    January 26, 2011 | 12:59 am

    What the hell kind of doctor are you visiting???? Is this the universal healthcare system in Canada? Is this what we are missing here? Snarky receptionists and filthy waiting rooms?

  57. ib
    January 26, 2011 | 1:14 am

    I have always been fond of the waiting room guy that, because there is only one available seat, sits next to me and asks, “What are you in for?” Uhhhh, it's not prison dipshit. I am not going to tell you because then I will have to sit here and find out more about your ailment and how it makes urinating uncomfortable.

    Not that this has happened to me. I'm just saying, that guy is annoying too.

  58. On My Soapbox
    January 26, 2011 | 1:29 am

    Are you sure this didn't happen on a bus or subway? I swear those same types of people always sit next to me. Then they fall asleep. On me.

  59. Nicky
    January 26, 2011 | 2:30 am

    I think you need to start coughing more. And loudly. Don't cover your mouth. Maybe make some gagging, wretching sounds. Nobody ever sits beside me when I do that. It also usually cuts down on my wait time as well.

  60. CB
    January 26, 2011 | 2:35 am

    I usually overdose on Xanex so as not to be the cause of anyone's untimely DEATH! I'm not to be trusted while waiting!!

    They made the sign for me!!

  61. Making It Work Mom
    January 26, 2011 | 3:12 am

    I always get stuck in that no man's land where I want to leave because I have been WAITING so long (please when you are a super powerful nurse and hold people's lives in your hands do not make them wait FOREVER), but then I don't want to leave because then I will have to come back and I have already invested so much of my day into this DR's appointment.
    Usually I just end up sitting there fuming and then being so giddily greatful when I actually get called that I don't even complain!
    Oh god I hate Dr's offices!

  62. A Beer for the Shower
    January 26, 2011 | 3:32 am

    I want that tee shirt, but replace 'verbal abuse' with 'gerbil abuse.'

  63. laughingwolf
    January 26, 2011 | 3:56 am

    lol… perfect ;)

  64. outdoor.mom
    January 26, 2011 | 4:04 am


  65. Julie
    January 26, 2011 | 4:10 am

    I think I would of just went home. Tomorrow has to be a better day.
    Take care and God Bless!!

  66. Yvonne
    January 26, 2011 | 4:58 am

    My doctor's office is really nice and smells good. What I want to know is why, why, do people insist on sitting thisclose to when there are perfectly, good and EMPTY seats all around us!?

  67. purplume
    January 27, 2011 | 1:17 pm

    Oh that was good for some laughs, oh my.
    You remind me of a sign at the Staten Island Ferry that said, beware of pickpockets. People invariably patted their wallet when they read it and the pickpockets knew just where to find them.
    Your mind is phenomenal, the way it works, XD

  68. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    January 27, 2011 | 8:36 pm

    Ew. That sounds unpleasant. I hope you aren't sickly, too. I can practically hear the lip smacking…::shudder::

  69. gayle
    January 28, 2011 | 12:31 am

    So funny! I would have had to ask about the verbal abuse!

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