Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody…

So it wasn’t Saturday night, it was Friday night, and I did have somebody.
I was with my daughter, Zoé.

We sat in front of the TV around 5pm last night, and didn’t move for approximately 5 hours.

We watched one episode of Toddlers in Tiaras

image from here

Two episodes of Teen Mom

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Thursday night’s taped off episode of Grey’s Anatomy

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And one episode of Teen Mom 2!

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After several hours of remaining motionless and riveted to the boob tube, these were my conclusions:

1.  When a grown woman says that her 15 month old baby will be DEVASTATED if she doesn’t win the Grand Supreme title at the pageant, I’m thinking the show is absolutely staged.
Because, really? Really???
That 15 month old could easily be distracted from her devastation, by like…say…a paper bag or…ummm…
a milk engorged boob!

image from here

2.  When that same woman goes around singing to her 15 month old baby a made up song consisting of the words, ”Miss Ameeeeerica! Miss Uniiiiiiverse!” repeated over and over again, I’m thinking the woman needs to be taken away in a pretty white jacket that ties in the back.
Maybe throw a sash and a crown on over the straight jacket and she won’t even notice where she’s being taken.

image from here

3.  Watching shows in which teenagers are raising babies is a great time to say to your 11 year old daughter:

  •       See sweetie, that’s what you have to do to get famous!
  •       Whatever you do, don’t hit the teen dad when the cameras are rolling.
  •       If the teen dad is gonna be a deadbeat, break it off quick while you’re still on the show.Other guys will want the spotlight. Baby is gonna need a daddy!

    image from here

But mostly, throughout all the teen mother drama, I kept thinking…

4.  I bet this guy could spank me really good…

image from here

However, I knew it was time to stop watching the educational TV shows and tend to the other members of my family when Jackson, the 13 year old, came up from the computer room where he had been doing homework, and said, “I’m googling “ancient egyptian physical elements,” but it keeps bringing up pictures of ladies with big sagging boobs…I don’t want to see sagging boobs!”

Of course he doesn’t.
Fake, perky ones are far more exciting.

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72 Responses to Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody…
  1. Saimi
    January 15, 2011 | 10:30 pm

    I'm in shock right now because I've never been first on your comments. I'm actually speechless…If that's even possible!

    Although moms that like to live through their infant daughters need to be shot! Ok so these woman will never stand a chance to wear the crown but what they are doing to their young girls is criminal!!

    Love the expression on the baby's face as her mom is applying makeup! That pretty much say's it all.

    What she really wants is to play with her dolly's not be one!

  2. Oilfield Trash
    January 15, 2011 | 10:31 pm

    I don't watch any of those shows. I have watched the toddlers one a couple of times and got sick watching it. Those moms on that show are a little “off”.

  3. FatAngryBlog
    January 15, 2011 | 10:34 pm

    OMG you watched Toddlers and Tiaras? I CANNOT watch it because I hate that whole scene/lifestyle/craziness.

  4. Deborah
    January 15, 2011 | 10:47 pm

    No.4 … I'm sensing a pattern! but seriously, you're a delight to read!!

  5. Kristina P.
    January 15, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    No Celebrity Rehab or Jersey Shore? I think you need to step up your game.

  6. Shell
    January 15, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    Toddlers and Tiaras is my fav trainwreck. I can't look away. And I can sit there, smug in the knowledge that I would NEVER be one of those moms. (having all boys means this will never be tested)

    And Teen Mom- I haven't watched, but have you heard about the high school where NINETY of the girls are pregnant this year??? Insane.

    I still have to watch this week's Grey's. I'm more of a McSteamy fan.

  7. Jewels
    January 15, 2011 | 10:52 pm

    I refuse to watch any of those shows except for Greys Anatomy…for the obvious reasons…those people are the scum of the earth and are almost too stupid to be allowed to continue breathing. Comedic sure…but so pathetic.

    As for Patrick Dempsey…he can do pretty much anything he wants to me…but hell yeah…he could spank real good I'm sure!

  8. SherilinR
    January 15, 2011 | 10:52 pm

    yay for tv trash! i like to keep the drama out of my own life, but watch it on tv. stupid hill billies.

  9. twilightgazing
    January 15, 2011 | 10:53 pm

    I'm not sure what is worse, that there are mother's that want to live out their life fantasy through their toddlers, or that there are television programs out there that are encouraging them! The positive is that it provides funny blog material, for you to entertain us with. Oh and the spanking, with you on that one :) .

  10. JUST ME
    January 15, 2011 | 10:54 pm

    I'm not sure who I feel worse for, those Toddlers in Tiaras or those Teen Moms.

    Probably the Toddlers. Because their mothers are just diabolically insane. Especially the lady that made her 5 year old get her EYEBROWS WAXED. Did you see that? Did you want to strangle that Mom with your bare, shaking hands?

    Let the girl wait a couple years before she has to realize just how much pain goes into being a woman…

  11. Coffeypot
    January 15, 2011 | 10:54 pm

    I don't mind sagging boobs. Like a man's tie, they are pointing to the good stuff.

    And it’s sad about watching the exploitation of those little kids. DFCS should be at the mom's front door when they get home.

    You want to build up her esteem, teach her trig, algebra, science and make the good grades. Push them to think. Those will carry the little girls further in life.

  12. Semi True Torystellar
    January 15, 2011 | 11:10 pm

    I don't watch any of those, and in fact didn't know there was such a show as Teen Mom. OMG!

    The Toddlers with Tiaras thing, just from trailers and bits that I've seen upsets me to no end. Part of me feels like that equates to child abuse on some level.

  13. Heather
    January 15, 2011 | 11:11 pm

    My daughter and I watch Toddlers in Tiaras too. I feel so sorry for some of those girls…they are going to grow up to be just as damaged as their moms. (Some of them are pretty close to normal…..)

    My favorite education show is Supernanny. It makes me feel so superior!

  14. The Vegetable Assassin
    January 15, 2011 | 11:11 pm

    I have an eerie fascination with “Toddler & Tiaras”. I hate it. I truly do. It astounds me. But I can't tear my eyes away. It's a bastion of evil. It's a haven of bad parenthood and trashiness. Who puts their three year old in full make up and a sexy little outfit then makes her shake her booty on stage in front of adults? PEDOS that's who. I'm constantly amazed that these people proudly feed their girls full of pixie stix and sugar to get them jacked up then push them on stage to parade when the kid looks bemused and shy. Or you get six year olds who're already entitled little divas. How can anyone say this is wholesome entertainment? It's bordering on child abuse. Yet I can't stop watching. And swearing. And feeling superior. :)

  15. bruce
    January 15, 2011 | 11:24 pm

    this is funny as usual…

    you do write a great blog!

    i gave you an award on my evil twin site (stupid stuff i see and hear) do with it as you please…

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  16. Bouncin' Barb
    January 15, 2011 | 11:51 pm

    The mothers of those little girls need to be taken out back and beaten with a rubber hose. Those kids don't know the difference. It's way past dress up time. They'll grow up with Body Dysmorphic Syndrome. So Sad!!

  17. The Reckmonster
    January 16, 2011 | 12:12 am

    Ah, the shameless reality shows that send THE worst possible message in the world to our children…hate them, but still – weirdly drawn to them in a voyeuristic (and WHEW! Thank God I'm not THAT nuts!) kind of way. I don't watch those particular ones you mentioned – but I have my vices (my “crack” reality TV show is “Bad Girls Club”).

  18. myevil3yearold
    January 16, 2011 | 12:23 am

    I am impressed your kid is doing homework on a Friggin Friday. How did you pull that off?

  19. TheUnSoccerMom
    January 16, 2011 | 12:27 am

    I've been in love w/ “McDreamy” since “Can't Buy Me Love”. I feel a bit entitled to him because of that too. :o )

  20. Snake
    January 16, 2011 | 12:29 am

    Some observations . . . One . . . Reality TV is f***ed . . . Two . . . Spankings . . . Well, my comment won't be appropriate in this forum . . . lol Three . . . Fake and perky is quite OK, as long as the price tag is removed . . . Ciao baby!

  21. Rebecca
    January 16, 2011 | 12:45 am

    I feel so so sorry for the Toddlers and Tiaras babies. I haven't seen an episode because we don't have cable but I've read various blogs posts about that show and I am heartbroken. What about teaching the kids (especially so young) that they are creative, smart, kind and THAT is what they have to offer to the world.

  22. Sparkling
    January 16, 2011 | 12:46 am

    First of all, what teenage boy is doing HOMEWORK on a FRIDAY NIGHT???? I had to google ancient egyptian physical elements right away but I found no saggy boobs.

    I cannot stay away from that Toddlers and Tiaras show. I don't know what it is. I think I spend the whole time trying to figure out what the mothers are really thinking. What they are really doing with these kids. And I love to analyze and decide if the kids actually do like it or not.

    Never seen that Teen Mom show and I am totally OK with that.

    But really, a 13 year old boing researching Egypt on a Friday? You must be one inspiring lady to get that to happen.

  23. Sarahf
    January 16, 2011 | 1:04 am

    We don't get any of those shows in Japan. Japanese TV sucks. I may have to resortto Googling ancient Egypt and comparing boobs…

  24. Nicole
    January 16, 2011 | 1:41 am

    1) Child beauty pageants freak me out. Not only do the children look freaking scary, but the mothers, my god, the mothers.

    2) Yes, I like Patrick Dempsey BUT Eric Dane is far superior. Rrrr. WTF with this whole pregnancy thing? I wanted him to keep getting it on with Lexi. Rrrr.

  25. Melissa
    January 16, 2011 | 1:55 am

    I would love a day full of trash TV! I NEED ONE!

  26. Tiffany
    January 16, 2011 | 2:01 am

    Sounds exactly like my day! Watching these shows gives me great examples of what not to do as a parent! :)

  27. Brandy Rose
    January 16, 2011 | 2:02 am

    I googled and couldn't find the saggy boobs either. So disappointed.

  28. karensomethingorother
    January 16, 2011 | 2:08 am

    I can't watch Toddlers & Tiaras at all. That show is so sickening and horrifying, I can't even believe it merits air time.

    I did used to get sucked in to the occasional viewing of “My Super Sweet 16″ but that would fill me with too much murderous rage for humanity afterward.

  29. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    January 16, 2011 | 2:24 am

    Isnt that show terrible? But I watch it at times too! Its that crap tv addiction I have.

  30. Carri
    January 16, 2011 | 2:35 am

    OK, so I'm a total reality show whore, but I just can't bring myself to watch Toddlers and Tiaras. Oh, and I won't watch Jersey Shore, either, but only because I don't want my eyeballs to catch the clap.

  31. Mamma has spoken
    January 16, 2011 | 2:39 am

    I would feel sorry for teen mom Amber but when she went to court for hitting Gary it came out that MTV pays her $280,000 dollars for doing a year of teen mom. Guess that was an expensive punch…Oh and she found a new boyfriend at Walmart. No joke, she was walking out of Walmart and that's how they met!

  32. K-MO
    January 16, 2011 | 2:42 am

    I just have to say that this post, was hilarious! Ok. First, Toddlers and Tiaras, OMG put your kids in the corner and spank their butts for the ways some of them act! Secondly, Teen Mom, bahahah, hilariously sad. Grow some and hit the bitch back! ;) Thirdly, two words: Patrick Dempsey- nuff said. ;) And last but not least, the perky boob comment was perfect, and that goes for 13 all the way to 100. Boys will be boys!

  33. Brandy@YDK
    January 16, 2011 | 3:47 am

    That toddlers and tiaras show kills me! Of course I still watch because who can resist the crazy?!

  34. DysFUNctional Mom
    January 16, 2011 | 3:56 am

    Lately it seems like all of the shoes I watch are about people who are mentally “out there”. Not garden variety crazy like me, waaaay out there. Those Toddlers & Tiaras moms are the PRIME example. They blow my mind. Some of the Teen Moms are also great examples, and the Baby Daddys too.
    Another one? Strange Addictions.
    And don't even get me started on Confessions: Animal Hoarding. I'll be here all night.

  35. Making It Work Mom
    January 16, 2011 | 3:59 am

    Me, my 4 year old, and my 11 year old are all totally addicted to Toddlers and Tiaras!! LOVE IT!!! I totally laughed out loud when that mom said her 15 month old would be devastated. Oh and guess what I don't think that baby is going to last very long in pageants- she wasn't too into it. Oh and you let your 11 year old watch Teen Mom. Hmmmm does that mean I can, too. I had been holding off, but if someone else is doing it, it must be okay, right.
    I have no shame…

  36. Sue
    January 16, 2011 | 4:15 am

    Little Miss Sunshine is one of my favorite movies. Watching them make a mockery of child beauty pagents is awesome.

  37. becca
    January 16, 2011 | 4:50 am

    oh my you are too funny and i'm with Jackson who wants to see sagging boobs

  38. Felicia
    January 16, 2011 | 5:38 am

    So to just let you know I must now go google ancient egyptian physical elements just to see what pops up because …well I just have to it is some rule somewhere I am sure.

    I also can't watch either of those shows for when I do my family tends to think I have gone off the deep end with all the screaming and hollering I do at the tv.

  39. Mynx
    January 16, 2011 | 5:46 am

    I am wondering if in 10 years time we will be seeing those toddlers as teen moms.
    Dont get either show here but they sound really sad.

    Oh, and I am a McSteamy girl. McDreamy just doesnt do it for me. I like the bad boys

  40. kristi
    January 16, 2011 | 5:59 am

    Yeah, I like McSteamy too like Mynx said.

    And Toddlers and Tiaras …wow!

  41. Queenie Jeannie
    January 16, 2011 | 7:25 am

    LOL!!! I admit I love watching those “train wreck” reality shows. It makes me feel so smart and with it, lol!

  42. Alexis AKA MOM
    January 16, 2011 | 9:18 am

    Now that is what I call some good TV … hehe! What great things we can tell the kids. “Look hun you get pg while in H.S. you can be on the cover of US Weekly. Then a few years later when you feel old and frumpy you put your next baby in a pageant put make up on her and heck you can even put her in a cone bar and do a dance to Madonna. And don't worry you'll be back on US Weekly.” Oh yes living the American dream :) .

    thanks for stopping by love your humor, I'm a new follower.

  43. Tracy
    January 16, 2011 | 10:36 am

    Goodness gracious, what a funny post and one that was needed…Personally, I think they are all staged, don't you? how can people really be that dumb or petty? or perhaps I'm hoping they can't be…
    I found the contrast very funny; you all and your trash TV and Jackson and his scientific exploration (grin)

  44. Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches
    January 16, 2011 | 11:57 am

    Ok, I had so many things to say but now I am just going to leave here thinking of you getting spanked. I think that is just as wrong as those TV shows! :)

  45. Kelley
    January 16, 2011 | 2:01 pm

    Ha! I've never seen the Toddlers & Tiara show. I'm missing out! You made me feel better for watching two movies with my husband last night- “The Proposal” (loved it!) and “Shutter Island” (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!). I just love you, Sandra!

  46. Maggi
    January 16, 2011 | 2:12 pm

    Ha! Trashy Day O' TV at its finest! I admit I got sucked into watching the first season of T&T on Netflix. I was strangely intrigued but the funniest bit was telling my husband we were going to enter Toot and watching him get all upset. What a gulli-bull. lol

    I still prefer “Can't Buy Me Love” Dempsey. :)

  47. Cool Gal
    January 16, 2011 | 2:30 pm

    Those pageant mothers are crazy. Living vicariously through their daughters. My heart breaks for those little girls.

    McDreamy *sigh* He can pay me a visit anytime, too. Might just let my mister watch. LOL!

    Have a great day!

  48. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    January 16, 2011 | 5:14 pm

    Gosh that T&T just makes me want to throw up. I can't stand to hear the moms say that the kids love what they do. Really? BS! YOU love it lady.

    A high school with 90 pregnant girls? Crap, what the hell is wrong with these kids? Maybe they were all pageant princesses when they were younger.

  49. Not So Simply Single
    January 16, 2011 | 5:31 pm

    Toddlers and tiaras, I want to shoot those mothers.

    However, I will let Mc Dreamy spank me any day!

    Rock on!


  50. Monkey Man
    January 16, 2011 | 6:22 pm

    Step. Away. From. The. Television. Put. Down. The. Remote. Ssslllooowlly. Slowwwlllly. Now get a life. Really. Go watch a train wreck or something. Oh, wait. That's already what you're doing.

  51. Myya
    January 16, 2011 | 6:23 pm

    I watch all of those shows & every time I do I sit & think WTF is wrong with me, why do I watch these??? Ohhhhh with the exception of Grey's… That one had has solid class reasons why one souls watch!

  52. meleah rebeccah
    January 16, 2011 | 6:34 pm

    The show Toddlers in Tiaras absolutely terrifies me! Seriously? Those stage moms are bat.shit.crazy.

    Teen Mom's also freaks me out a little because I think it glorifies kids having kids and, in a really negative way.

    But I do love McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy.

  53. tattytiara
    January 16, 2011 | 10:51 pm

    I just watched my first ever reality series on dvd – season one of project runway. It was awesome watching the creative processes of the contestants, but I couldn't stand how much time they spent focusing on arguments and people insulting each other. Something tells me I wouldn't make it through an entire episode of either of those shows.

  54. Mrs. Tuna
    January 16, 2011 | 11:30 pm

    Hey, how the heck did you know what was in my TIVO list? You are a copy cat, stop it.

  55. Jessica
    January 17, 2011 | 12:01 am

    Toddlers and Tiaras has got to be the most hilarious show out there.

    Oh yeah, Patrick Dempsey for the win.

  56. KittyCat
    January 17, 2011 | 1:13 am

    I personal think its crazy for those moms to subject their young kids to that kind of things (toddlers show)somewhat funny but really just a tradgity.
    as for Greys, LOVE it!

  57. On My Soapbox
    January 17, 2011 | 1:14 am

    Just think: you could have been playing Scrabble instead….

  58. Kimberly
    January 17, 2011 | 1:52 am

    Next you're going to tell me that you own a pair of fucking Uggs…what is nursing school doing to your mind?
    It's ok, Momma Kim still loves you ;)

  59. The WholeFamDamily
    January 17, 2011 | 2:15 am

    I keep forgetting to comment on your blog!! you are hilarious!! yea, i have 4 girls, i can't wait to have all these wonderful conversations with them. and by conversations i mean, i get input as to what handsome hoodlum gets to knock her up, i think i have a better eye for what looks good on camera. ;)
    yea for new bloggy friends!

    oh, and i always wanted to be a nurse, so i will just live vicariously through you. *wink*

  60. Kate
    January 17, 2011 | 3:16 am

    This is so funny!! I've been watching Teen Mom-it's sadly VERY addicting! However, it must be the most effective birth control EVER.

    I watch these kids (and they are babies themselves) raising kids and I remember when I felt that way and did those stupid things and I understand even more fully why teens shouldn't have kids. They are stupid and all the families are screwed up. At least if you wait until you're 22-24 most of the stupidity has been kicked out of you by the cruel world.

    Raising children and maintaining a relationship…so difficult most adults struggle with it. What makes me the most sad is watching these kids and seeing their relationship with their parents. It really is very little wonder why they got pregnant so young. I mean…really? And now they have to do that and also attempt to do a better job raising their children than their own parents did. That makes it much worse.

    And I watched Amber? (the one you have a picture of) as she went to the doctor because she thought she might be pregnant AGAIN. Seriously? You didn't learn the lesson the FIRST TIME?????

  61. Janellaaaaa
    January 17, 2011 | 3:22 am

    I love seeing shows like that with my daughter (14 years old). The people are so nuts they make me look perfectly well rounded and reasonable. I love it.

  62. Papi KoRndOg
    January 17, 2011 | 3:26 am

    Loved your observations on Teen Mom. Gotta say I hate that show but I do enjoy the fiery trainwreck that is since I'm watching it with my wife.

  63. Linda Medrano
    January 17, 2011 | 6:33 pm

    I would totally let that dude spank me. Toddlers is one I've never seen. I'm glad you are sharing the experience with your kid. They need “quality” time with you. I shared “Creature Features” with mine and they turned out fine. More or less.

  64. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    January 18, 2011 | 1:20 am

    Well, of course they are. How else would Britney Spears have gotten so popular? Okay, here's my confession. I haven't seen any of those shows and Toddlers in Tiaras scares me. Just..all kinds of wrong going on there. And Teen Mom 1 and 2..The title itself is disturbing. ::shudder::

  65. QueenBee
    January 18, 2011 | 3:11 am

    This was so hilarious. Seriously, 15 months? Like seriously, was this mom putting eyeliner on a 15 month old who is probably still in diapers? Oh wow! Yeah I watch Teen Mom and I call my 17 year old in the room and say, “Now this is what will happen if you get pregnant while in high school, not being on TV, but like totally don't have a life.”

  66. The Adorkable Ditz
    January 18, 2011 | 4:13 am

    I hate Teen Mom but I watch it anyways to keep my legs crossed. It's just so sad that those babies have to live that way.

    And those pageant moms are looney period.

  67. Ginger
    January 18, 2011 | 9:05 pm

    I havent seen Toddlers and Tiaras, but I can almost relate having watched 'little miss Sunshine'. Now that was a little kid being a little kid with the hair, round tummy and glasses to match.
    Yay, you've got good taste in men!!

  68. Semi-Slacker Mom
    January 19, 2011 | 1:12 am

    McDreamy could do all kind of things to me. McSteamy too. yum.

    Why are all the mommas on T&T overweight & unattractive?

  69. Geekin' Hard
    January 20, 2011 | 4:07 am

    Mmmmmm, bewbies….

  70. Marla
    January 20, 2011 | 7:56 am

    I haven't seen those shows and now I know why. Somebody needs to call child services. Lord have mercy!

  71. Shawn
    January 24, 2011 | 7:58 pm

    You are freaking hysterical! The fact that I have spent too long reading old post is evident in the amount of time the dryer has beeped at me. If it beeps one more effing time, demanding that I actually get up and do “my job”, I'm going at it with a hatchet!

  72. Polly
    January 25, 2011 | 10:20 am

    Toddlers and Tiara's is one of the most disturbing shows I have ever seen, however its one of those trainwrecks that I just can't look away from.

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