Dinner conversation

Yesterday, Jax, my 13 year old, came to me, and said, “My right testicle hurts. It’s stinging.”

…ok, ok, thinking about what I’ve learned in my physiology classes…anatomy of the testicles…

I ask, “Have you had an erection today?”
He replies, “No. I haven’t.”
And does NOT roll his eyes.

I continue, “Because, you know, if you have had an erection…for…ummm…an extended period of time, and the erection is not…umm…relieved, you could have something called ‘blue balls’.”

….ok, ok, thinking about what I’ve learned through the guys I’ve dated…mention of blue balls occurred when…

He repeats, “No, Mom, I haven’t had an erection.”

“I hope I’m not embarrassing you, it’s just that I’ve heard this can happen, and I want you to be honest, otherwise, this is something I don’t have the answer to, and maybe we need to go to the hospital.”
“I’m not embarrassed. This is medical stuff. I don’t mind answering your questions.”
I say, “Do you want to show me? I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with that. But maybe I can tell if it’s swollen. I’d rather not feel your testicle. I’d rather you do it, because…”

*crickets*

Yes, for one of the first times in my children’s lives, I am speechless.

“I checked it out, it’s not swollen,” he answers.

“Well, maybe put some ice on it,” I suggest.

He goes to the freezer and grabs and ice pack, and promptly shoves it down his pants.

“Jax,” I say, “That was an ice pack for the lunch bags.”
“Yeah, I know…” He’s looking at me confused, like what’s the big deal if the ice pack that is now encircling his testicle is going to be wrapped around his bologna sandwich tomorrow.

Of course I had no intention of blogging about this.
It’s private.
He came to me in private and asked me this question in private.

But then, at the kitchen table, during supper, he says…OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE OTHER 5 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY, “Mom, why do you think my testicle is sore?”

At this point, nobody is really listening, so engrossed are they in picking the vegetables out of the vegetable stir-fry.
I say, “Maybe you’re growing? Maybe it has to do with puberty?”

Ok, keep in mind, nobody has really heard, so I’m trying to be all quiet, and understanding, and all look-at-me-being-sensitive-to-my-son’s-nut-dilemma, but then he says…OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE OTHER 5 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY, “Do you think Wyatt has ever had this happen to him?”

On cue, everybody looks up.
Wyatt says, “Ever had what happen to me?”
I say, “Sore balls.”
He replies, “Nope.” And continues to pick through eat the stir-fry.

Zoe, the nosy 11 year old girl who has no balls, and as a result of this, is extremely curious, says, “What balls?”
I say, “Jax’s testicles.”
“Testicles? What are those?”
“They’re the sacs that contain the…” She’s looking at me with a mixture of confusion and apprehension, and I’m trying to eat here, so I say, “They’re the round things beside his penis.”

“Why do you think it’s sore, Mom?” Jax is unrelenting.

Finally, FINALLY, Wayne looks up from his supper, and says, “For the love of God, would you guys just eat!”
Then…THEN he turns to Jax and says, “You probably just pulled your groin when got hit in hockey yesterday.”

Jax says, “Ooooooh right!”

Unfortunately, this lead to an entirely different conversation about whether or not girls wear jock straps when they play hockey, and what would happen to their vaginas if they didn’t.

But I won’t get into that…

~just wanted to mention, if anybody who was planning on sponsoring me to the BlogHer 2011 Conference is reading this post, and as a result is deterred by it, please don’t be. I promise I won’t spend the weekend talking about testicles…I hope…I can’t promise, though…~

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94 Responses to Dinner conversation
  1. Brandy Rose
    January 8, 2011 | 1:15 am

    Not embarrassed at all is he? lol.

  2. jskell911
    January 8, 2011 | 1:19 am

    OK- that was hysterical. As the mom of a 14 yr old boy with Asperger's (red no thought to mouth filter) I can totally empathise

  3. The Adorkable Ditz
    January 8, 2011 | 1:23 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    How could he not remember that?! That's hilarious.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  4. Sarahf
    January 8, 2011 | 1:29 am

    Can I come to dinner at your house? It sounds way more fun than at mine. I eat vegetable stir fry too.

  5. Brenda Susan
    January 8, 2011 | 1:31 am

    Hilarious post! Life with boys is a great trip!

  6. myevil3yearold
    January 8, 2011 | 1:36 am

    So this is what I have to look forward to. Blue balls, really? That was your best guess? Too funny.

  7. Jojo
    January 8, 2011 | 1:41 am

    Just shared this with my son and husband who are still laughing!!!

  8. Mamma has spoken
    January 8, 2011 | 1:51 am

    For once hubby had the right answer. Have him enjoy it, it won't happen again some time soon.

  9. Saimi
    January 8, 2011 | 1:52 am

    I love how frank and up front he is. I raised three boys and this conversation never came up…Although, they never played hockey either!!

  10. Kate
    January 8, 2011 | 1:56 am

    OMFG I think you've just given me a glimpse of my life in the next 3-5 years…minus the girl with no balls of course :)

  11. Lightning Bug's Butt
    January 8, 2011 | 1:57 am

    I would have fainted if my mom asked me about my erections.

    Now that I'm an adult, I realize it's something you have to ask.

  12. Gigi
    January 8, 2011 | 2:00 am

    I'm totally DYING over here!

    Isn't hard to be the sympathetic, concerned mom when you don't have a clue as to what could be the problem with their “junk”? When you'd much rather yell, “HUBBY?! Do you think you could field “THIS” one?”

    Life with boys – it's a constant surprise.

  13. qandlequeen
    January 8, 2011 | 2:08 am

    Having boobs is difficult enough as everything imaginable seems to hit them, snag them or burn them. I cannot imagine why God equipped men with sensitive dangly parts in such a centrally located area of the body. They're like a bullseye. And then expecting us moms to deal with the damage? Ha!

    You did well

  14. Shirley
    January 8, 2011 | 2:23 am

    I can only hope that my boys will be that open with me one day.

  15. tattytiara
    January 8, 2011 | 2:38 am

    Your son is awesome. He just gave me a big fat heart full of happy hope for a generation of people who have no shame about their natural bodies.

  16. Oilfield Trash
    January 8, 2011 | 2:39 am

    Wow, what a conversation to have over dinner. lol

  17. Bridget
    January 8, 2011 | 2:41 am

    HAHAHA! This is crazy funny! I can totally appreciate this because the conversations my 13 year old and my husband have about their man parts is hysterical.

  18. Bouncin' Barb
    January 8, 2011 | 2:59 am

    Why don't they go to Dad first? Mike always came to me. He used to tell me that his Dad would always make a joke out of it. Where's the irony? Hugs and don't worry. The votes are cast!!

  19. Belle
    January 8, 2011 | 2:59 am

    I love how open your kids are with you. I could never have talked with my parents like that.

  20. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    January 8, 2011 | 3:00 am

    Wrapped around his bologna sandwich! Bahahaha, still around a piece of meat I guess. Boys and their man parts.

  21. Julianna
    January 8, 2011 | 3:01 am

    So… what's wrong with talking about testicles all weekend?

  22. diane rene
    January 8, 2011 | 3:10 am

    I love this! honestly. I am truly thankful that these conversatinos happen in other people's houses as well :
    of course, my boy is grown and moved on, so now it's girls asking dad about the happenings on his favorite TV show (Two and Half Men)

    “Dad? What's a trouser monkey? and can we get one?”

  23. Copyboy
    January 8, 2011 | 3:17 am

    You my dear are the doctor ruth of the new decade. Blues balls? No balls?

  24. Annabelle
    January 8, 2011 | 3:34 am

    This is too funny. I'm loVing your family dynamic.

    testicular table talk = good times

  25. Making It Work Mom
    January 8, 2011 | 3:40 am

    Oh God boys are so easy!!!! My 11 year old girl just started her period last week so I arranged for just the two of us to stay home for a special dinner to talk, only she was horrified and would not TALK to me at all. *sigh*

    As a side note my 4 year old Princess just started hockey this week. The first time she put on her “jill shorts” she was hysterical with laughter knocking on the hard plastic covering up her “Lady Parts”.

  26. Mrs. Hyde
    January 8, 2011 | 3:42 am

    I have a teenage boy. I feel your pain.

  27. JennyJenJen
    January 8, 2011 | 3:45 am

    seems like healthy dinner convo to me.

  28. Blue balls…no fun :-)

  29. Coffeypot
    January 8, 2011 | 3:56 am

    My first thought before I even finished reading was he either got hit in sports or his foot slipped off the bicycle peddle. Been there, done that, both ways, many times. BUT I WOULD NEVER HAVE TALKED TO MY MOM ABOUT IT. I would have crawled under a bush and died before I ask her anything about … you know … down there.

  30. becca
    January 8, 2011 | 4:14 am

    too funny your son is amazing no embrassment what so ever wy to go

  31. bluzdude
    January 8, 2011 | 4:31 am

    I don't understand how a boy could possibly forget getting hit in the nards, playing hockey.

    I'm curled up like a boiled shrimp, just thinking about it.

  32. Lin
    January 8, 2011 | 4:32 am

    lmao…this totally reminds me of a conversation our family had when my teen brother pulled his groin. He had no idea what it was & was freaking out so after a lot of talking into he allowed my mom to check them out, lol. He's never that down cause we laugh about it all the time.

    Dont know if your son still has the pain but warm baths helped my brother.

  33. Mynx
    January 8, 2011 | 4:39 am

    I am trying to picture my self asking my teenagers if they they have had an erection and whether or not they have “scratched” that itch and honestly I think that is never going to happen in this lifetime. Good thing it wasnt anything requiring hospital treatment.

  34. Yvonne
    January 8, 2011 | 4:58 am

    bahahahaha! i showed this post to one of my brothers (he's 41) and he almost cried from laughing so hard! :)

  35. Kristina P.
    January 8, 2011 | 5:00 am

    Typical family dinner conversation!

  36. Carri
    January 8, 2011 | 5:16 am
  37. Poppy
    January 8, 2011 | 5:32 am

    I'm seriously taking notes because you're awesome. I'm really great at tormenting my daughters, but I have some work to do with my son. You better go to Blogher, I bought my own damn ticket.

  38. TortugaRachel
    January 8, 2011 | 5:34 am

    I've had moments like that with my 12 yr old. It's hard to know whether to be embarrassed at the topic or thankful that he comes to you openly.

  39. Nicole
    January 8, 2011 | 6:08 am

    “Nut dilemma” I will be asking my Hubster if he's having a nut dilemma the next time he seems inexplicably cranky.

    Love this!

  40. Vodka Logic
    January 8, 2011 | 7:57 am

    Love it.. and a lesson for the 11 year old daughter.

  41. Polly
    January 8, 2011 | 8:52 am

    So I have this all to look forward too!

  42. cooperl788
    January 8, 2011 | 9:48 am

    I'm dying laughing right now. Families that eat together, stay together…. and learn all about their bodies together! But hey, at least his brother was able to help relieve his worry! I'm a new follower!

  43. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    January 8, 2011 | 1:01 pm

    Ah, the conversations at your dinner table, too funny.

  44. Debbie(single;complicated)
    January 8, 2011 | 1:01 pm

    ha ha ha! My family and I have some interesting conversations..but my 13 year old son is SO painfully private! This post cracked me up! love how open your 13 year old is!

  45. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY
    January 8, 2011 | 1:14 pm

    That was HILARIOUS Sandra :) I have tears , i was trying to read it out loud to my husband..He's all What? What? I had to keep re reading from the laughter .
    funnily enough my boys were the same, came to me about those things and my daughter had 2 periods before telling me…….she thought I'd make a big deal of it!

  46. Karyn Climans
    January 8, 2011 | 2:36 pm

    You might find your following increases at Blissdom rather than the opposite if you continue to talk about penises and balls.

  47. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)
    January 8, 2011 | 2:37 pm

    this is funny!
    …especially the ice pack for his lunch.

  48. knitwit
    January 8, 2011 | 2:49 pm

    Oh damn. I need to come to dinner at your house.
    On a (barely) serious note, I used to teach sex ed to 12 year-olds, and the fact that he was that willing to have that open a conversation about his nuts with you struck me as a good indication that you must have a great relationship with your kids!

  49. whitey
    January 8, 2011 | 2:50 pm

    after raising three boys of my own do not recall ever having a conversation like this ….. to funny! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  50. chickensconsigliere
    January 8, 2011 | 3:16 pm

    I think it is great he's so comfortable. Can you ask him for me if he's started getting erections yet? Just curious. Okay, I'm totally just being an asshole and I don't really want to know that, just to be clear.

  51. Holly Ruggiero
    January 8, 2011 | 3:37 pm

    The double duty ice pack, really? It didn't bother him? Boys!

  52. Stephanie in Suburbia
    January 8, 2011 | 3:49 pm

    Nut dillemma! SNORT!

  53. Kimberly
    January 8, 2011 | 3:53 pm

    “Hey Mom, why does everything in my lunch bag taste like salty nuts?”
    PS. As a nurse I would have freaked out and thought it was testicle torsion.

  54. Carla
    January 8, 2011 | 3:59 pm

    I love your blog. I come here often because you have never once failed to make me laugh. I want to be a fly on the wall in your home.

  55. Snake
    January 8, 2011 | 4:15 pm

    Blue balls, huh? Wow! I remember that . . . lol

  56. Tracy
    January 8, 2011 | 4:19 pm

    Oh my goodness, that is priceless and the fact that he is NOT embarassed at all…lends itself to the atmosphere you have set up for your kids to talk freely! Good for you~
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and hope you come back for a visit, I certainly will :)

  57. Veronica Lee
    January 8, 2011 | 5:07 pm

    LOL!!! But it's really wonderful that your kids are so open with you.

    Have a wonderful weekend!

  58. Bossy Betty
    January 8, 2011 | 6:55 pm

    Oh yes. My sons hate it when I talk to them about their “boys.” Glad this is an open subject at your house. Now about that ice pack…you may want to throw that out.

  59. Kat
    January 8, 2011 | 7:49 pm

    Oh, sweet, sweet Lord.

    Just when you think you've managed to calm the beast, another foe springs up.

    From a totally rational standpoint, I think you did well considering the circumstances.

  60. mintifresh
    January 8, 2011 | 8:02 pm

    Wow! That is some awesome dinner conversation! hahaha

  61. Mamarazzi
    January 8, 2011 | 9:01 pm

    hanging. on. every. word.

    seriously…about testicles.

  62. gayle
    January 8, 2011 | 9:23 pm

    This is so funny!! Having girls this never came up. Can't wait to hear all my grandson has to say when the time comes.

  63. Kimber Leszczuk.
    January 8, 2011 | 9:30 pm

    That is so funny!

    My husband just had THE talk with our son (age 12) who then came out and asked both of us ALL kinds of questions about everything you could imagine. ALL kinds of crap he heard at school wanting to know what it was. Ranging from porn and douche bag to more typical sex questions. I was surprised he was so comfortable just asking both of us and I hope his comfort in talking to both of us continues.

  64. Snuggle Wasteland
    January 8, 2011 | 10:35 pm

    LOL!

    We went out for lunch today and my 10 yr. told the 8 yr. old “You've punched me in the nuts so much my balls are killing me!” The grannies at the next table were not appreciative.

  65. Opto-Mom
    January 8, 2011 | 11:40 pm

    I think you did an awesome job at being honest and sensitive at the same time!

    Tell him to get a hand mirror and check for redness/swelling each day, because I had a friend whose husband ignored a sore ball for a while, and it got an abscess. Ended up in the hospital having surgery – UGH!

    And for fuck's sake, throw away that ice pack!

  66. Melissa
    January 9, 2011 | 1:28 am

    But isn't it great when they are so comfortable with us they will talk to us about anything.

  67. Rebecca
    January 9, 2011 | 1:52 am

    I once had an awkward fall that made me wish girls had jockstraps.

  68. Mamabear
    January 9, 2011 | 2:04 am

    This is so awesome. My son is 9 months old…I can't even fathom how I'd handle it if he said something like that! You are one experienced and cool mama!

  69. The Redhead Blogette
    January 9, 2011 | 3:05 am

    Hahaha I haven't laughed that hard in a long while!

  70. Ameena
    January 9, 2011 | 4:27 am

    And my husband claims I embarass him by putting shots of him with a Dora blanket on his shoulders…he wouldn't last a day in your house. No, he wouldn't last a second!

    Your kids are hysterical…I love it!

  71. Kelley
    January 9, 2011 | 6:26 am

    I love how you all just lay it all out there- blue balls and all. How else can you do it?

  72. Queenie Jeannie
    January 9, 2011 | 7:12 am

    Ohmygosh! This was hysterical!!!!!

  73. Ben Reinhardt
    January 9, 2011 | 10:53 am

    As a ball owner myself, I can say that feeling is such a pain :P Good on you though for being able to talk about it. A lot parents would have either shut down or made a spectacle out of it.

  74. ~ Darla ~
    January 9, 2011 | 11:46 am

    Sandra, love your blog. And I think it's great (all kidding aside) that you are so open with your kids. Bravo!

  75. Mrs. Tuna
    January 9, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    Thank goodness you kept this private for your kids sake. The last thing you'd want is everyone taking about it.

  76. Amy
    January 9, 2011 | 3:06 pm

    Hmm that is a pretty interesting conversation you had with your son. It is great he has come to you… I hope you have a great rest of your weekend. Thanks for stopping by my blog.. I hope you come by again.. I am having a giveaway next week.. Thanks again..

  77. Chocolate Covered Daydreams
    January 9, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    Little round balls? I can see that your house is never quiet and there is ALWAYS someone or something to laugh about. Hope the nuts are feeling better. :)

  78. Alex
    January 9, 2011 | 8:33 pm

    LOL!!!!! THis was too much..

    I want to come over and eat dinner at your house.. never a dull moment.

  79. Madame DeFarge
    January 9, 2011 | 9:52 pm

    In years to come, he'll appreciate this display of wisdom.Maybe not now, but certainly sometime.

  80. meleah rebeccah
    January 9, 2011 | 10:08 pm

    That was hilarious!!!! God, I love your blog!

    - My 14 year old son wold never have the *balls* to tell me his testicles were bothering him. And if he did? Most likely? I'd direct him to ask his father!

  81. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    January 10, 2011 | 12:31 am

    Uh…so talking about testicles at dinner is NOT okay? Uh-oh.

  82. Jeanie
    January 10, 2011 | 12:56 am

    You are a good mom. You are a really god mom, but sometimes it just takes a man to answer a near-man's question.

  83. Jemi Fraser
    January 10, 2011 | 1:22 am

    THat's a fabulous conversation!

    And here, the girl hockey players wear 'jills' (as opposed to jocks) – short sort of things that have protective stuff built in – just fyi :)

  84. RavNsLove
    January 10, 2011 | 2:34 am

    What an uncomfortable conversation! I so cannot wait to embarrass my son. He is 7. LOL! You are an awesome mom!

    Thanks for the visit! I did indeed leap tall buildings in order to go on a cruise. Well, actually, I said, “Honey, I found this cruise and it is only $219.00 per person and it leaves the day before my birthday.” So he handed me his card and said “Happy Birthday!”. LOL

  85. Date Girl
    January 10, 2011 | 4:18 am

    Oh my gosh, that last part of the conversation had me laughing so hard. What happens to their vaginas when they don't wear a cup. hehehe. Oh man, the things I'm going to have to deal with if I ever have a little boy. I am with you, I'd have felt awkward the entire conversation! That's great that your son can talk to you though. Some boys wouldn't say a word, so you're lucky there!

  86. JP
    January 10, 2011 | 12:47 pm

    For the record… I'm 39 and I've never had a case of “blue balls”… I think it's a myth guys make up to try to get women to have sex with them…

  87. Danielle
    January 10, 2011 | 6:27 pm

    I just want to be invited to your house for dinner. Just once! LOL

  88. twilightgazing
    January 10, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    Thank you for the dinner invite :) and letting us all share such precious moments. If you get a moment, pop into my blog, there is something waiting for you, just to help with a bit of narcissim.

  89. Amy @ mommometime
    January 11, 2011 | 12:45 am

    that was absolutely hilarious! Amy

  90. onemixedbag.com
    January 11, 2011 | 6:29 am

    *howling* I'll bet that was the last question you expected that morning.

  91. Impulsive Addict
    January 11, 2011 | 10:04 pm

    OHEMGEE. I'm so glad I have a girl. Maybe my next babe will be a boy with a penis and balls but believe me, I'm super happy with my vagina-havin' little girl right now. I DO NOT deal well with convos of this nature. Maybe I suck at this mommy stuff…

  92. Rachel
    January 13, 2011 | 7:45 pm

    I nominate you for sainthood. Wasn't that a miracle? That no one passed out or died from embarrassment during any of those conversations? :)

    Still totally cracking up… so sorry!

  93. Myya
    January 13, 2011 | 10:25 pm

    I wanna eat dinner at your house. I would have been laughing hysterically, after of course I knew he was ok.

  94. Cheryl
    January 16, 2011 | 4:47 pm

    OMG are you funny! I'm definitely putting you into my Reader list cause I need a laugh every day, and I did a lot of laughing reading through your posts.

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