Yesterday, Jax, my 13 year old, came to me, and said, “My right testicle hurts. It’s stinging.”
…ok, ok, thinking about what I’ve learned in my physiology classes…anatomy of the testicles…
I ask, “Have you had an erection today?”
He replies, “No. I haven’t.”
And does NOT roll his eyes.
I continue, “Because, you know, if you have had an erection…for…ummm…an extended period of time, and the erection is not…umm…relieved, you could have something called ‘blue balls’.”
….ok, ok, thinking about what I’ve learned through the guys I’ve dated…mention of blue balls occurred when…
He repeats, “No, Mom, I haven’t had an erection.”
“I hope I’m not embarrassing you, it’s just that I’ve heard this can happen, and I want you to be honest, otherwise, this is something I don’t have the answer to, and maybe we need to go to the hospital.”
“I’m not embarrassed. This is medical stuff. I don’t mind answering your questions.”
I say, “Do you want to show me? I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with that. But maybe I can tell if it’s swollen. I’d rather not feel your testicle. I’d rather you do it, because…”
Yes, for one of the first times in my children’s lives, I am speechless.
“I checked it out, it’s not swollen,” he answers.
“Well, maybe put some ice on it,” I suggest.
He goes to the freezer and grabs and ice pack, and promptly shoves it down his pants.
“Jax,” I say, “That was an ice pack for the lunch bags.”
“Yeah, I know…” He’s looking at me confused, like what’s the big deal if the ice pack that is now encircling his testicle is going to be wrapped around his bologna sandwich tomorrow.
Of course I had no intention of blogging about this.
He came to me in private and asked me this question in private.
But then, at the kitchen table, during supper, he says…OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE OTHER 5 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY, “Mom, why do you think my testicle is sore?”
At this point, nobody is really listening, so engrossed are they in picking the vegetables out of the vegetable stir-fry.
I say, “Maybe you’re growing? Maybe it has to do with puberty?”
Ok, keep in mind, nobody has really heard, so I’m trying to be all quiet, and understanding, and all look-at-me-being-sensitive-to-my-son’s-nut-dilemma, but then he says…OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE OTHER 5 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY, “Do you think Wyatt has ever had this happen to him?”
On cue, everybody looks up.
Wyatt says, “Ever had what happen to me?”
I say, “Sore balls.”
He replies, “Nope.” And continues to
pick through eat the stir-fry.
Zoe, the nosy 11 year old girl who has no balls, and as a result of this, is extremely curious, says, “What balls?”
I say, “Jax’s testicles.”
“Testicles? What are those?”
“They’re the sacs that contain the…” She’s looking at me with a mixture of confusion and apprehension, and I’m trying to eat here, so I say, “They’re the round things beside his penis.”
“Why do you think it’s sore, Mom?” Jax is unrelenting.
Finally, FINALLY, Wayne looks up from his supper, and says, “For the love of God, would you guys just eat!”
Then…THEN he turns to Jax and says, “You probably just pulled your groin when got hit in hockey yesterday.”
Jax says, “Ooooooh right!”
Unfortunately, this lead to an entirely different conversation about whether or not girls wear jock straps when they play hockey, and what would happen to their vaginas if they didn’t.
But I won’t get into that…
~just wanted to mention, if anybody who was planning on sponsoring me to the BlogHer 2011 Conference is reading this post, and as a result is deterred by it, please don’t be. I promise I won’t spend the weekend talking about testicles…I hope…I can’t promise, though…~