I have spent the afternoon with my husband, Wayne, painting my daughter’s bedroom.
After 4 hours in a confined space, with no music playing; just the two of us having to make conversation, these are some of the conclusions I have come to regarding the differences in communication between men and women who are undergoing small home reno projects.
Most importantly, if you are painting a room from a bright blue to a Pepto-Bismol pink, one or both of the parties involved may develop dizziness and nausea as a result of the brightness.
Due to this negative reaction, there may be some harsh words spoken, and some unfounded accusations made, such as, “Quit your bitching Wayne, it was your idea to paint her fucken room!”
When beginning the task ahead, both the man and the woman tend to be overwhelmed.
In order to break the tension, the woman will often become chatty, and natter on about topics she normally couldn’t care less about.
For instance, the woman may say, “You know those people from the dance studio who got divorced last year? Well, I think he’s actually gay. What do you think?”
At this point, the man may reply by launching into Billy Joel’s “Saturday! In the park! I think it was the first of Juuuulyyyy!”
The woman will not be offended by this response, and will find another topic of conversation: “Hey Wayne, did I tell you that I want to go to that BlogHer conference in San Diego in August? You don’t mind, do you?”
The man may say nothing or say, “Team Canada is playing today.”
Feeling the need for drama, the woman may say something provocative to the effect of, “Wayne, I’ve taken a lover. He’s Russian.”
This, however, will jog the man’s memory that, “Russia is playing Slovakia this afternoon. We have to get this done.”
As the man and the woman progress in their task, the woman may lapse into quiet in order to work faster so she can go to her laptop and check how many comments she got on her last blog post.
At this point, the man may actually miss the sound of his painting partner’s incessant chattering, and may try to renew the conversation himself by saying, “Yeah, I actually think Canada may take the World Cup in hockey. They have a really good team.”
Little does the man realize that this kind of conversation actually impedes production since the woman will stop painting entirely to face the stupid man, and say to him, “I’ve told you before: I couldn’t give a shit about hockey. When you start talking about hockey, my mind goes all “Woooooooooooooooooo…..” like the sound of a TV station when it goes off air.”
However, this doesn’t deter the man because he doesn’t believe the woman. After 10 years, he still believes she’s a hockey fan.
The afternoon will wear on in this fashion until the pair reach the last wall, and the woman says, “Shit! We won’t have enough paint to finish!”
The man will reply by saying, “Fuck! I knew this was going to happen,” which translates to, “I’m missing the Russia versus Slovakia game right now!”
This is all that is left to be painted when the paint runs out
Right before the man leaves to go buy more paint, he will have a shower.
He will then run into the newly painted bedroom naked, stand against one of the fully painted walls, and say, “How do I look in pink?” which translates to “Let’s do it while the kids are all downstairs.”
The woman will reply by saying, “Go buy the paint.”
Which translates to, “Go buy the paint.”