Deciphering Man/Woman-Speak

I have spent the afternoon with my husband, Wayne, painting my daughter’s bedroom.

After 4 hours in a confined space, with no music playing; just the two of us having to make conversation, these are some of the conclusions I have come to regarding the differences in communication between men and women who are undergoing small home reno projects.

Most importantly, if you are painting a room from a bright blue to a Pepto-Bismol pink, one or both of the parties involved may develop dizziness and nausea as a result of the brightness.
Due to this negative reaction, there may be some harsh words spoken, and some unfounded accusations made, such as, “Quit your bitching Wayne, it was your idea to paint her fucken room!”

When beginning the task ahead, both the man and the woman tend to be overwhelmed.
In order to break the tension, the woman will often become chatty, and natter on about topics she normally couldn’t care less about.

For instance, the woman may say, “You know those people from the dance studio who got divorced last year? Well, I think he’s actually gay. What do you think?”
At this point, the man may reply by launching into Billy Joel’s “Saturday! In the park! I think it was the first of Juuuulyyyy!”

The woman will not be offended by this response, and will find another topic of conversation: “Hey Wayne, did I tell you that I want to go to that BlogHer conference in San Diego in August? You don’t mind, do you?”
The man may say nothing or say, “Team Canada is playing today.”

Feeling the need for drama, the woman may say something provocative to the effect of, “Wayne, I’ve taken a lover. He’s Russian.”
This, however, will jog the man’s memory that, “Russia is playing Slovakia this afternoon. We have to get this done.”

As the man and the woman progress in their task, the woman may lapse into quiet in order to work faster so she can go to her laptop and check how many comments she got on her last blog post.

At this point, the man may actually miss the sound of his painting partner’s incessant chattering, and may try to renew the conversation himself by saying, “Yeah, I actually think Canada may take the World Cup in hockey. They have a really good team.”
Little does the man realize that this kind of conversation actually impedes production since the woman will stop painting entirely to face the stupid man, and say to him, “I’ve told you before: I couldn’t give a shit about hockey. When you start talking about hockey, my mind goes all “Woooooooooooooooooo…..” like the sound of a TV station when it goes off air.”

However, this doesn’t deter the man because he doesn’t believe the woman. After 10 years, he still believes she’s a hockey fan.

The afternoon will wear on in this fashion until the pair reach the last wall, and the woman says, “Shit! We won’t have enough paint to finish!”
The man will reply by saying, “Fuck! I knew this was going to happen,” which translates to, “I’m missing the Russia versus Slovakia game right now!”

This is all that is left to be painted when the paint runs out


Right before the man leaves to go buy more paint, he will have a shower.
He will then run into the newly painted bedroom naked, stand against one of the fully painted walls, and say, “How do I look in pink?” which translates to “Let’s do it while the kids are all downstairs.”

The woman will reply by saying, “Go buy the paint.”
Which translates to, “Go buy the paint.”

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107 Responses to Deciphering Man/Woman-Speak
  1. Shell
    January 4, 2011 | 4:30 pm

    LMAO @ how do I look in pink. Yup, typical man. If they are naked for a minute, they think they need sex.

    Love the pink room!

  2. ~JJJ~
    January 4, 2011 | 4:32 pm

    ROFL! The running around naked thing and then asking for sex is so common for men. Bwahaha.

  3. Gigi
    January 4, 2011 | 4:39 pm

    You should have told him Pepto Bismol does nothing for his penis.

  4. Holly Ruggiero
    January 4, 2011 | 4:44 pm

    I love coming to your blog. You may not believe this but it is uplifting and make me laugh. Thanks for that.

    The colors juxtaposed to each other is quite wild.

  5. Shabbygal
    January 4, 2011 | 4:45 pm

    Lmao! How true we really do need a translator half the time! Lovely shade of pink! Traci

  6. Corey
    January 4, 2011 | 4:52 pm

    hahaha! loved it :)

    go buy the paint…rofl!

  7. brainella
    January 4, 2011 | 4:55 pm

    Deborah Tannen has NOTHING on you! :) Love this.

  8. Big Fat Gini
    January 4, 2011 | 4:56 pm

    Oh Lord. So true. I stopped asking “what are you thinking” long ago, after realizing that 90% of the time I truly do not even want to know.

  9. TheUnSoccerMom
    January 4, 2011 | 5:05 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Change “Hockey” to “Star Wars” and I would think this convo happened in my house!

  10. Brandy Rose
    January 4, 2011 | 5:09 pm

    Its funny cuz just last night, mine came in naked, “swinging” with my bra on his head and assuming THATS what turns me on…

  11. Nicole
    January 4, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    In my house, my husband talks about golf. He talks about his swing. He talks about various courses. He watches golf on TV, then rewinds it to show me the highlights. And my mind does that wooooooooo thing.

  12. Castmana
    January 4, 2011 | 5:21 pm

    Stumbled across yoblond, liked the name and had a chuckle. I'll pop back soon.

  13. Monkey Man
    January 4, 2011 | 5:25 pm

    I have waaaaay too much time on my hands….I actually read some of the other comments. What a bunch of sexists. Either that or they just made bad choices for partners. Get over it or get counceling. Men are 13 year old boys until….well….forever.

    As to the “Wooooooo….” sound. Hockey talk will do that to me too, but that is because I am American and we have other sports.
    I am curious about a couple things. First, does a tv station still go off the air in Canada? That is so 1950's. Second, is that blood all over the sheets in the second photo? Did you kill Wayne?

  14. Snake
    January 4, 2011 | 5:28 pm

    What this entry shows is that some things are meant to be done alone . . . Like painting a room! lol And what really matters is, Canada kicked the USA . . .

    Very funny post . . .

  15. Bridget
    January 4, 2011 | 5:32 pm

    This probably wouldn't be so incredibly funny if it wasn't so absolutely true ;)

  16. Thisisme.
    January 4, 2011 | 5:32 pm

    Dead right – GO AND BUY THE PAINT!! LOL!

  17. Oilfield Trash
    January 4, 2011 | 5:38 pm

    This was funny.

  18. Heather
    January 4, 2011 | 5:53 pm

    I would have just stuck a dresser there or something.

    The Coach and I no longer paint together. It just doesn't work.

    I like the pink!!

  19. twelvedaysold
    January 4, 2011 | 5:55 pm

    That picture of the pink/blue mess up there made me barf.

    And I'm jealous of your daughter's pink room.

  20. Jumble Mash
    January 4, 2011 | 6:00 pm

    Hahaha thanks for the laugh!!

  21. Coffeypot
    January 4, 2011 | 6:08 pm

    I thought that it was quiet nice and thoughtful that he offered to give you some for helping him paint the room. Especially since he didn’t leave it to you and go watch the Russia-Slovakia game. So much for trying to be grateful for the help.

  22. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    January 4, 2011 | 6:10 pm

    Hahahaha, wow…..thanks for allowing me to be privy to your hilarity!!

  23. The Vegetable Assassin
    January 4, 2011 | 6:11 pm

    You know, I think I got me the only Canadian man who hates hockey. The only one. I'm keeping him. We pass hockey on TV and he goes “Jesus, is there nothing on?” He doesn't like football either but will come see baseball with me and enjoy it if the need arises.

    I've checked and no, he does not have a vagina.

  24. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    January 4, 2011 | 6:15 pm

    Wow, you were you that fly on the wall at our house? This is why I end up doing a lot of the painting around here alone.

  25. Nicole MacDonald
    January 4, 2011 | 6:20 pm

    Well you did a great job of covering the walls – and my partners a painter *grin* I would know ;p glad you both survived it!

    The Arrival, on Amazon now!

  26. SkippyMom
    January 4, 2011 | 6:27 pm

    I love painting with Pooldad – too bad our conversations aren't as interesting. We save those for beer thirty/happy hour/mimosa Sundays. Those are fun conversations. ;D

    The middle picture makes her room look purple – I hope it turned out a truer pink. My Mom and Dad used to have a condo with that color carpet – you could truly complete the room by finding it and installing it – I know they still sell it. It would be awesome.

  27. Vinny C
    January 4, 2011 | 6:28 pm

    My wife & I have had these long, distraction-free periods of silence also. It usually goes about the same.

  28. The Tame One
    January 4, 2011 | 6:32 pm

    I have just been inspire to turn on football and pain my kitchen. Naked.

  29. ms. caboo
    January 4, 2011 | 6:38 pm

    It is always amazing to me how Bud and I cannot have a conversation for longer than five minutes before one of us gets completely off track and starts talking about something else that the other has no clue about.

    Oh, what fun to discover after awhile you're not talking about the same thing!

    And I would have had sex w/Bud in the pink room if he'd pulled that stunt. :)

  30. DW
    January 4, 2011 | 6:40 pm

    Why is it that men think that running out of paint = sex? Oh wait, they think *everything* = sex….

  31. Constar
    January 4, 2011 | 6:40 pm

    HAHAHA which translates to your fuckin halarious!! the blue your painting over is actually the color i attempted to paint my own room a few years back… it ended in a paint fight, ya epic fail!

    lol enjoyed the post!

  32. Rebecca
    January 4, 2011 | 6:41 pm

    Good Lord, how big is her room? We only need one gallon of paint to paint our bedrooms, even our master bedroom….though it was quite a stretch to get the master bedroom painted with only one gallon, but we did it…..

  33. Marlene
    January 4, 2011 | 6:46 pm

    You're hilarious!!!

    “Saturday in the park…I think it was the 4th of July” is a Chicago tune, not a Billy Joel tune. ;)

    Yes, I'm old.

  34. Lin
    January 4, 2011 | 6:46 pm

    lmao…you're spot on & hilarious!

  35. Danielle
    January 4, 2011 | 6:55 pm

    Honey, does this pink wall make my penis look bigger?
    Uggggg, men!

  36. Mrs. Tuna
    January 4, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    The last time the Big Tuna and I painted together was when he was trying to show me his manly skills and get into my pants. Crap, we've been married for 28 years and everything in the house is painted “for sale” white still.

  37. Blasé
    January 4, 2011 | 7:24 pm

    SB knows I'm not listening when she says to me-
    “You're a fuckin' SOB and I've found another man to fuck”

    When I reply with-
    “uh huh, you're right honey”….

    she knows I'm not listening.

  38. Bouncin' Barb
    January 4, 2011 | 7:29 pm

    I must be weird because I'm always asking for sex and trying to divert Bruce's attention. Is your hubby available between 5 and 6:30? hehehehehe just kidding. about your husband. Not about me asking for sex all the time. Love you!

  39. ~ Darla ~
    January 4, 2011 | 7:36 pm

    Hey Pepto-Bismol. Actually it looks not too bad once it has covered the blue. Gotta love the he said, she said. Most of the times if I'm not chattering away my husband thinks something is wrong. Are you mad? (lol)

  40. vickilikesfrogs
    January 4, 2011 | 7:37 pm

    This is me and my husband having a conversation…

    me – blah, blah, blog, blog, twitter, blog

    him – blah, blah, evony, sex

  41. Helene
    January 4, 2011 | 7:45 pm

    When I bought my house in 92 my ex painted the kids's rooms-you guessed it-blue and pink. The pink one is now light green for my grandson and the blue one is now white-sort of. Don't even ask about the pale blue kitchen-I got seconds paint that looked white from the color on the lid. It wasn't.

    The Prajeet thing-he had sent a how did I help you email and I had to restrain myself from answering.

  42. Nicole
    January 4, 2011 | 7:47 pm

    As usual, I love this. You could have thrown him a quickie, you know, in light of his missing all that hockey.

  43. My SoCal Life
    January 4, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    You are so funny! THat pink and blue is a bit tough to look at LOL

  44. becca
    January 4, 2011 | 8:19 pm

    omg too funny and bet he looked good in pink and you really had a hard time resisting

  45. GigglesandGuns
    January 4, 2011 | 9:16 pm


  46. Diane
    January 4, 2011 | 9:54 pm

    Lmao! Men absolutely cannot be naked in the presence of a woman without trying to get a little.

    January 4, 2011 | 10:01 pm

    Hysterical and so very right on.

  48. meleah rebeccah
    January 4, 2011 | 10:02 pm

    I have been in the worst mood all day, but now – after reading this HILARIOUS blog post – I'm finally laughing.

    Thank you – and your pink, naked husband – for cheering me up!

  49. The Watchman
    January 4, 2011 | 10:11 pm

    Naked man covered in pink paint running about! That's rather normal around these parts! Have a grand day!

  50. Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist)
    January 4, 2011 | 10:27 pm

    LMAO!! This sounds like our house. Without any sports involved though. I'm lucky enough to have one of the few men in the world who could give a crap about sports – unless it's bull riding, and I won't complain, I get to watch all the sexy cowboys that way!!

    Replace the sports with motorcycles…then it would be exactly like our house!

  51. Julianna
    January 4, 2011 | 10:59 pm

    Your blog is such a wealth of information… I just can't understand why “the woman” couldn't figure out a way to not paint the room. :)

    Seriously, Almost Hubs said to me LAST Night… “What happened to the woman I know and loved? She would have had that bathroom painted already.” To which I repiled… “The woman you're going to marry has decided that you won't like they way it turns out, so in an effort to spare her the critisism later, has opted to wait for you to do it.” -J

    January 4, 2011 | 11:01 pm

    bahahahaha Hilarious :)

  53. Gigi
    January 4, 2011 | 11:13 pm

    This was absolutely hilarious! I'm sure I could add a witty response – but my freakin' husband won't quit talking to me long enough to allow me to think – even though it's QUITE obvious that I'm ignoring him. Maybe I should tell him to go paint the bathroom.

  54. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    January 4, 2011 | 11:15 pm

    Haha, how do I look in pink?! Haha! Good one. You mean you didn't want to jump him after that clever comment?

  55. Ann
    January 4, 2011 | 11:28 pm

    ROFL, I'm totally surprised that our flooring project didn't turn out more like this.

  56. Lightning Bug's Butt
    January 4, 2011 | 11:40 pm

    I hate painting. But I loved this perspective on it.

  57. caterpillar
    January 4, 2011 | 11:52 pm

    heehee…..did you guys finish with the painting finally?

  58. Carri
    January 4, 2011 | 11:52 pm

    Just goes to show that every freakin' man out there is the same. How do I look in pink? OMG.

  59. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    January 5, 2011 | 12:31 am

    This is very interesting research going on here. I wonder what kind of scenarios are to come :)

  60. Brenda Susan
    January 5, 2011 | 12:42 am

    Lucky he did find himself pushed into the wall to really see how he looks in pink!

  61. Kristina P.
    January 5, 2011 | 1:03 am

    I wonder what shenanigans would ensue if you painted it sparkly purple!

  62. gayle
    January 5, 2011 | 1:12 am

    OMG! So funny! What is it about husband's and not being able to Talk!! My husband and I can be riding in the car and he will talk about ……..gas prices,or oh look there's a new building over there,or that gas is cheaper here than by our house,or it's going to be cold tonight, never anything personal unless I bring it up…..and then he usually interupts to tell me a gas price again. Like I really give a sh..!!

  63. myevil3yearold
    January 5, 2011 | 1:26 am

    Stick a big ass dresser in that corner and forget it!

  64. dbs
    January 5, 2011 | 1:52 am

    I knew this was going to lead to sex and I knew it was going to get blocked. It was the pink vs. the blue.

  65. Catherine
    January 5, 2011 | 2:03 am

    My hubby and I almost killed each other doing bathroom renovations. When we put new siding on our house this summer we paid someone to do it. We thought paying for someone else to do it was cheaper than paying a laywer for defending one of us for a murder charge…. ;)

  66. CkretsGalore
    January 5, 2011 | 2:06 am

    After I first moved in with my Fiancee he asked me, “Want to help me paint Kidlet's room ?” Me: “No. I don't paint. I know plenty of painters who will do it for a reasonable price.” (She wanted stripes and what not.) Well he wanted to do it and after 6 months I hired a buddy and it was done in a few hours…while I drank.
    That's the type of painting I do with my partner.

  67. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    January 5, 2011 | 2:37 am

    Hubbs and I have done a lot of renovations and they haven't gone quite like that. Yours are way funnier. Mine included things like the water main busting, a toilet installation taking five hours, painting the entire kitchen a nasty minty green, hating it, and painting over it again. I love yours, and especially love the “how do I look in pink”. Ha! Go get the paint, indeed.

  68. Making It Work Mom
    January 5, 2011 | 2:37 am

    Too Funny! Why does a man think he needs sex anytime he is alone in the room with a woman. Oh by the way we just painted over that same color pink in my girls' room (by we I mean me) and it was hell! The pink would not go away. Sorry!

  69. After he did such a good job serenading you on NYE…you should have given Wayne a reward in the pink room!

  70. life in the mom lane
    January 5, 2011 | 2:58 am

    This was too funny!!!!!!!

    January 5, 2011 | 2:58 am

    so, so funny. I do love pink. Sadly, my hubs and I never seem to have these project conversations. Mainly because my approach is one of doing a bad enough job that I am banished from the vicinity and can then go do things like read awesome blogs.

  72. FreeFlying
    January 5, 2011 | 3:02 am

    Lol! I am going to paint my next room like swirled cotton candy. And then I'm going to leave my husband for a soccer player. Wait. Was that not the point of the story?

  73. Jodee
    January 5, 2011 | 3:06 am

    That is a hoot! My husband recently painted our daughter's room and he made the comment, “You should have gone into management since you are good at giving orders!” I guess he doesn't want to paint again anytime soon!

  74. Anita
    January 5, 2011 | 3:13 am

    The thought of me and my husband painting a room together almost gave me a headache…I had to tell myself as I was reading, that it was you and your husband – not me and mine.

    So much of that rings a bell. The sports: My huband tells me every sports statistic, player, and fact he can think of, regardless of how many time I ignore him. And he always says “We” when he is refering to a team he likes. We? Like he's on the team or coaching it.

    But…love him, love him, love him

  75. Vicky
    January 5, 2011 | 3:58 am

    Brilliant post! Love the ending very much :-D

  76. Sarahf
    January 5, 2011 | 4:01 am

    How do I look in pink? Too funny. How can painting get a guy going?

  77. Katy
    January 5, 2011 | 4:25 am

    That's funny since one of the best memories I have of time spent with my ex where when we were painting various rooms together. We never did paint a room Peptp Bismol pink though.

  78. Katy
    January 5, 2011 | 4:25 am

    That's funny since one of the best memories I have of time spent with my ex where when we were painting various rooms together. We never did paint a room Peptp Bismol pink though.

  79. Kara Hoag
    January 5, 2011 | 4:43 am

    Damn. I think I am always the guy in the relationship. The guy is always the one to ask ME what I am thinking. I rarely ask him because I could give a rat's ass unless he wants to tell me of his own free will. Then it better be interesting!

    visions unto myself

  80. Jill
    January 5, 2011 | 4:50 am

    Well, no one was assaulted. Sounds like a successful paint job to me.

  81. Yvonne
    January 5, 2011 | 6:09 am

    This was so funny!!!! The pepto bismal pink always makes me nauseous! Oh and just so you know, my favorite group in the whole wide world is Chicago! Soooo, Saturday in the Park is by Chicago not Billy Joel. :)

  82. Laoch of Chicago
    January 5, 2011 | 7:03 am

    Important life lessons: 1) undertake no home improvement projects involving paint; 2) Must buy a Chicago album as that song is now in my head

  83. DysFUNctional Mom
    January 5, 2011 | 9:19 am

    You should write a book on these translations! You could save marriages everywhere! ROFL

  84. MissEmy
    January 5, 2011 | 10:50 am

    That's quite the pink color- and my goodnes, men are quite predictable at times. :D

  85. Moooooog35
    January 5, 2011 | 11:56 am

    You say all this like you don't like hockey.

    I must have read it wrong.

  86. Deborah
    January 5, 2011 | 1:05 pm

    LOL …. you are a delight to read, a true insight into the workings of a man's mind, I love it!

  87. ryoko861
    January 5, 2011 | 2:23 pm

    Love the color! Hate hockey. But just think of the quality time you two spent together! Bet you can't wait to paint another room together!!!

  88. Katie
    January 5, 2011 | 2:33 pm

    bahahaha! You are too funny! Thank you for leaving the sweet comment on my post and I appreciate your advice on how to look at the years behind us! I am looking forward to following you :)

    PS Read your post on board games and couldn't stop laughing. I totally get what you mean! Looking forward to reading more

  89. Cindy
    January 5, 2011 | 3:37 pm

    our home reno projects aren't anything like that.

    in my house the man is king and he knows everything and when one of us underlings messes up we get drill sergeant antics till woman gets mad ( so that's like 3 seconds) and gives it to him.

    everyone finds their own corner of house for 5 minutes and than back to playing nice.

    it's almost canny how this happens over every home fixer upper thing.

    hell, it happens when we are cleaning because company is coming over.

    I like your version better, and I like how when woman respond to sexual advances we pretty much don't mince words.

    “go buy the paint”

    my husbands still tries to translate that one!
    you kill me!

  90. Joann Mannix
    January 5, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    I don't paint with my husband and so therefore, we don't get to have such witty, stimulating banter…at least while painting. We have the same sort of conversations all the live long day.

    And what it is it about men? As soon as their Johnson sees the light of day, they think, “Time for sex?” I just don't understand why we women aren't ruling the world instead of them.

  91. Kimberly
    January 5, 2011 | 5:51 pm

    We are supposed to talk to them? Ewe.
    Go Canada.
    Suddenly my heartburn is cured. Go figure.

  92. Unknown Mami
    January 5, 2011 | 7:53 pm

    You guys actually do really well together. My husband and I don't necessarily work all that well together when it comes to doing certain tasks.

    Happy New Year!

  93. Snake
    January 5, 2011 | 11:17 pm

    Canada-Russia tonight! I know you'll be watching with your Canada jersey on . . . :)

  94. Shawn
    January 5, 2011 | 11:32 pm

    Very funny….Happy New Year to you!

  95. Mejis
    January 6, 2011 | 12:51 am

    Just wanted to tell you that my blog is now private. I can add you to my readers. I just need your email address and I'll send you an invite.

  96. Mrs. Tuna
    January 6, 2011 | 2:18 am

    I just gave you The Stylish Blogger Award!
    Someone gave to me and I thought of you, come on over and check out the details!

  97. On My Soapbox
    January 6, 2011 | 4:12 am

    Ohhhh, I hate painting! I would almost rather have sex! ;-)

  98. -bobby-
    January 6, 2011 | 5:15 am

    As a Billy Joel fanatic, I would like to point out that “Saturday in the Park (I think it was the FOURTH of July) is a song by Chicago. Your blog was quite funny though…

    Somehow, I think this comment will turn out with me looking like a total asshole…

    Oh well…

  99. shortmama
    January 6, 2011 | 5:26 am

    I swear this same scenario happened in my oldest daughters room! From turquoise to hot pink! Oh the frickin headache that color gave me!

  100. Holly
    January 6, 2011 | 7:14 am

    Me… My friend…..
    Him… Is this a REAL friend or a blog person? You won't believe what I discovered about my great great grandfather's birth certificate………….

    At least I interact with my BLOG FRIENDS who are better friends than the ones that live around here… and they're ALIVE!!! Not dead ancestors from FOREVER AGO. OOOHHHH WOW!!! TELL ME MORE!!! NOT!

    Funny and spot on… as usual! (((HUGS))) to you!

  101. Alicia
    January 6, 2011 | 7:52 am

    oh man!! that sounds exactly like our painting experience! and we've had to paint the ENTIRE upstairs floor of our house….that makes for a lot of chatter….and paint covered advances!! men…every time they help around the house they try and get some. typical!!

  102. Patti Murphy
    January 6, 2011 | 7:15 pm

    And they say women don't say what they mean. You were direct; he wasn't. He was in the mood; you weren't.

  103. Deborah
    January 7, 2011 | 2:08 pm

    I want to hear your husband singing again!

  104. Date Girl
    January 7, 2011 | 3:20 pm

    lol, how do I look in pink? That's hilarious! I think that spot in the room that was still blue is where the dresser would go. ;-) project finished!

  105. Aleksandra Nearing
    January 8, 2011 | 12:31 am

    Be glad he helps you. As awesome of a handyman as he is, Adam SUCKS at painting. I think I painted Lily's bedroom 6 months pregnant. Damned all those articles that tell you not to breathe fumes. I do make him tape. It's too tedious of a task for me.

  106. Kimber Leszczuk.
    January 8, 2011 | 9:36 pm

    LOL! I think I would have wore my iPod and ignored the hubby to keep my sanity. :)

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