I’ve been cranky all day.
I woke up cranky.
I was bound and determined to go to bed cranky.
My kids had to go and ruin all of that and put me in a terrific mood by sharing the 13 year old’s newest antics with me.
It would seem the boy clacs his balls.
…is it clacs?…or clacks?…or claques?…
….see I’m not even sure how this would be spelled since I’m pretty sure he’s coined the phrase.
…we should probably have it copyrighted.
Anyway, for those of you waiting in suspence as to what the boy’s newest activity consists of, it’s basically a mixture between smashing his thighs together and smacking his hand against his leg so as to make this “clacking” noise.
I guess the “balls” part comes in because while performing this maneuver, his testicles swing back and forth.
I’m so proud…
So we’re sitting together watching fine white-trash televised programming.
He is sitting beside me with a blanket over his lap when I hear the clacking noise for the first time.
Along with this sound, my son has his hand under the blanket and his butt is bouncing up and down on the couch.
I look over and say, “Are you jerking off?”
He then has the nerve to look offended as he replies, “NO!!! I’m clacking my balls.”
…ok…you don’t believe me right?
You’re torn between thinking I’m making this shit up, thinking we should have our own reality tv show, and wondering if social services should be contacted.
Believe what you want, judge me if you must, but know that apparently, all the boys in his class go around clacking their balls.
Only, according to the almost 15 year old, who takes pride in referring to his 13 year old brother’s penis as “Millimeter Peter,” the other boys are able to make this clacking noise by shaking their pelvises back and forth…
…I know, I can’t seem to paint a thorough picture of this particular teenage bonding activity either.
My poor little Jackson, however, who has yet to undergo puberty, and as a result has yet to experience the proud moment of his testicles dropping, is unable to participate.
So he makes up for it at home by slapping his thighs together.
Ok, again, I know some of you are probably torn between believing this and/or are open-mouthed at the creativity of young teen aged boys.
Me, I just go with it.
However, in order to instill some dignity and class into our home, I say, “Stop that! It’s offensive. I’m offended!”
To which, all the kids, in unison, say, “No you aren’t. You think it’s funny.”
The boy, however, once again, deeply offended, says, “Why can’t I clack my balls?”
Wyatt, the one who is systematically stigmatizing the prepubescent 13 year old, says, “Because they’re too small.”
Jackson says, “How would you know?
“Because you walk around naked all the time. I see the size of your nut-sac” another example of my children’s superlative vocabulary “I wouldn’t know you have a millimeter peter aka small penis if you didn’t put your pyjamas on right here in the living room.”
Jackson replies, “I prefer to refer to my penis as “The Four Mile Crocodile” or “The Nine Inch Grinch.”
Just to reassure you and provide proof that I do have some class, I have forbidden the boy from clacking his balls in public.
He is only allowed to do it at home.
See, I do have some standards.