No nookie tonight! ~insert porno music here~

Actually, the title of this post makes absolutely no sense. I just felt like putting a few words between those squiggly things and I figured “porno” would attract a lot of attention on Twitter.

However, that having been said, I do have a Wayne story to share.
For those of you who are new here, Wayne is my husband.
We have been together for nine years.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs.
The first several years kept us on an emotional rollercoaster which often sent one or both of us running for the nearest exit.
At first we didn’t know how to fight.
He slammed doors.
I served him soup that was just warm enough that he couldn’t accuse me of not having heated it up, but not hot enough to enjoy clever right!

However, several years into the marriage, our commitment to each other and the kids, and my habit of latching on to his pant leg until he finally admitted that I was right and he was wrong, moved us into new territory.
He figured if he ever expected the yellow armpit stains scrubbed meticulously from his white t-shirts and I figured if I ever wanted to be in a relationship in which my first impulse when I got angry at the shithead was not to want to cut his brakes oh relax, I’m a girl, I don’t even know where the brakes are then it was best to learn new skills.

So we learned how to communicate.

Now we are really good at it.
In fact, we are so good at it, that we rarely, if ever fight.
Problems, hurdles, annoyances (well, when I’m annoyed with him. What reason in the world would he ever have to be annoyed with me?) are discussed.
Somewhere along the line, we grew up.

So tonight, when we arrived at home after our son’s hockey game, he opened the garage door so I could walk in before he parked the vehicle.
As I’m approaching the door at the end of the garage, he pulls in behind me and honks.
HE HONKS AT ME WHILE I’M IN A SMALL ENCLOSED SPACE!

My ears are ringing…no, worse! I’m deaf!
For a few seconds in time, I can’t hear!

So I look at him sitting in the driver’s seat laughing, because apparently it’s funny to induce deafnesss upon your spouse, and I yell, (although I can’t hear myself yell because I’m DEAF!) “THAT WAS AN ASSHOLY THING TO DO!”
And I stomp into the house and slam the door behind me.

Even as I’m taking off my boots, I’m thinking, “I wonder if the kids ate all of the M&Ms.”
I’m thinking about M&Ms because I’ve sort of forgotten that I’m mad.
Because I don’t really get mad at Wayne anymore.
Because we communicate.

And here is the proof that we do:

In the past: me calling him an asshole would have sparked days of bad behaviour, on his part and mine.

Now: me calling him an asshole has him charging towards me while I’m searching for the M&Ms, grabbing me by the shoulders, and through tears of laughter, says to me, “What did you say to me when I honked at you?”
I replied, “I said that that was an assholy thing to do. You don’t honk at someone when they’re in an enclosed area. You could have burst my ear drums.”

He gives me a hug and says, “I’m sorry. I thought it would be funny. I’m sorry.”
I say, “Are there any M&Ms left?”
He says, “I seem to have something in my eye. Can you check?”
I say, “Maybe it’s part of my eardrum…you know, from when it burst in the garage.”

See. Totally grown up.

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76 Responses to No nookie tonight! ~insert porno music here~
  1. Chelsea Elizabeth.
    December 30, 2010 | 3:14 am

    Haha. This made me laugh really hard. Thanks for sharing!
    Im glad that you two can communicate well with each other. I've seen a lack of communication tear people apart and it can be a hard thing to achieve.

    <3Chelsea Elizabeth

  2. Rebecca
    December 30, 2010 | 3:15 am

    I figured he was honking at you the way men always honk at pretty women walking….anywhere.

  3. Jeanie
    December 30, 2010 | 3:19 am

    Thus proving my theory that M&Ms (even just thinking about them) can fix anything. Well, I'm sure growing up helps too.

  4. Carri
    December 30, 2010 | 3:20 am

    Hahaha M&Ms make everything OK!

  5. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 30, 2010 | 3:31 am

    See – chocolate is the substitute for sex and your body still knew you were angry even if your mind didn't. It works that way. LOL :)

    Then again who am I kidding – we are women – we always want chocolate. Shoot I think I even want chocolate when I am having sex…. and even when the sex is good. LMAO

  6. ~ Darla ~
    December 30, 2010 | 3:34 am

    ~insert loud laughter here ~ I can actually see that happening. A good joke…gone bad. Good for the two of you…learning to fight fair and support each other.

    SHOULD I BE SPEAKING UP OR DID YOU HEAR THAT?

  7. Ami
    December 30, 2010 | 3:35 am

    And were there any M&ms left?

  8. Poppy
    December 30, 2010 | 3:36 am

    I've been married for 9 years and I still can't call my husband an asshole. He is soooo sensitive. Cocksucker, dickhead, and sonofabitch are just fine, but asshole for some limits is off limits. God, you crack me up.

  9. [ker-AND-uh]
    December 30, 2010 | 3:37 am

    I LOVE THIS. My husband and I are only just not coming to two years being together and I can see the fighting coming to a close. Before, we both acted the same way. Nowadays, if it's a minor thing, I pretty much pout until he tries several times to make me laugh or apologizes. If I'm wrong I immediately beg for forgiveness. Staying mad takes far too much energy. lol

    I can't wait til we're at the point when M&Ms become more important!!!

  10. onemixedbag.com
    December 30, 2010 | 3:48 am

    Good for you guys growing up and figuring it out. I hope to get ther one day.
    I think my husband would do the same thing, the honking. That would most likely send me into a tizzy for the whole night.
    Its nice to read a story with a happy ending.

  11. Heather
    December 30, 2010 | 3:50 am

    Love this post! When I get all pissy at hubby we do talk before we go to bed and make it all better. Hope you got some M&M's.

  12. Opto-Mom
    December 30, 2010 | 3:58 am

    We've been married for 16 years, and communication is an ongoing learning experience.

    For example, by honking the horn at you, he was trying to tell you he's “horny.”

    You're welcome!

    Signed,
    The Old Married Lady

    P.S. I think M&Ms are considered an aphrodisiac…just sayin'.

  13. Annabelle
    December 30, 2010 | 4:02 am

    Currently trapped on the roller coaster, curious to know how you obtained your awesome communications skills.

  14. Julianna
    December 30, 2010 | 4:08 am

    You know they print things on the M&Ms now… maybe you could communicate through those. :)

    But I think “Assholy” might be a custom order.

  15. Cheeseboy
    December 30, 2010 | 4:15 am

    I have to admit, I kinda think the honking thing is pretty funny. Must be a guy thing.

    The soup thing – now that is just evil.

  16. Momma Jorje
    December 30, 2010 | 4:18 am

    Wonderful! I communicate better with my current husband than I did with my ex. There is, I think, always room for improvement, but we very rarely fight.

  17. Life 101
    December 30, 2010 | 4:22 am

    What a scream! I loved this post. I've been married to my lovely spouse Jilda for 36 years….it's still hard to believe it's been that long because I still see us both in bellbottom jeans…..well you get the picture.
    Anyhow, we've been together long enough that we sense when the other one is having a bad day and give each other a wide berth.
    Besides, she has an entrenching shovel in the trunk of her car and I fear that she will use it in the middle of the night and I will simply disappear without a trace :)

  18. Kristina P.
    December 30, 2010 | 4:26 am

    My husband and I have never had a yelling fight. Ever. I am definitely more of a passive-aggressive/silent treatment type, and even our arguments are pretty minimal. Although, I did call him a dumbass a couple of weeks ago, and I felt bad about it. Not too bad, however, to repeat the story to friends the next day.

  19. Vanessa
    December 30, 2010 | 4:27 am

    Love seeing when you have a new post for me to read! Funny!

  20. Brandy Rose
    December 30, 2010 | 4:32 am

    Me and my man recently got into an argument (which rarely happens these days) I was crying and meant to hit THE BED but accidentally hit his arm and he started moaning how it hurt and was making me laugh between sobs…argument over, so not fair. But so grown up…

  21. Yvonne
    December 30, 2010 | 4:41 am

    You're my hero!!! :)

  22. Leila
    December 30, 2010 | 4:51 am

    LOL, this is toooo funny! I loved this post! Thank you it totally made my evening!! HAHAHA!

  23. The Phoenix Rising
    December 30, 2010 | 5:16 am

    Thank goodness you'ere not both deaf or soemthing.

  24. anSeL
    December 30, 2010 | 6:01 am

    he cannot resist your gorgeousness that's why he honked at you.

  25. The Vegetable Assassin
    December 30, 2010 | 6:05 am

    See you deal with it in a normal manner. Me, if I got honked at in the garage making me almost poop in my pants (you didn't say that but I read between the lines) I'd wait till he was asleep then set off a bull horn next to his head. And then I'd film his reaction. And put it on YouTube.

    Maybe… :)

  26. Crystal Escobar
    December 30, 2010 | 6:34 am

    Haha, I love it, especially the soup part. You are hilarious!

  27. Saimi
    December 30, 2010 | 6:39 am

    Ha!!! Too funny I can just see him in the car laughing while honking at you!

    Did you ever find the M&M's?

  28. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 30, 2010 | 7:03 am

    Glad you could be a grown up, I knew I wouldn't have been able to!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  29. Oilfield Trash
    December 30, 2010 | 7:15 am

    That is how I picture marriage would be. Sadly I was wrong.

  30. Flying high in the sky....
    December 30, 2010 | 7:56 am

    what a beautiful post this was!! i don't know why i got so emotional.. i am 5 yrs into marriage and first para was so close to my life… then i read your whole post and felt wow!!! very very cool post… i take away the beauty of growing up together from your post :) thanks for sharing..

    PS:i was humbled by your comment on my blog.. i think you are stunning in real sense of the word…

  31. DysFUNctional Mom
    December 30, 2010 | 8:35 am

    You crack me up! Y'all sound like me & my hubby.

  32. Thisisme.
    December 30, 2010 | 9:04 am

    LOL! Such a funny story – loved it!!

  33. Hazel
    December 30, 2010 | 10:35 am

    You guys are so cute :)

    Hazel xxx

  34. Jessica
    December 30, 2010 | 11:12 am

    Thanks! I woke up in a good mood… then got all pissy when someone left me a rude comment on eBay… but now I'm laughing again! Where do I leave a tip?

  35. Donna @ The House on the Corner
    December 30, 2010 | 11:14 am

    I'm totally proud of you!! In that same situation (with my previous husband because Honeybunny and I have a wonderful relationship) I would have stomped into the house,LOCKED THE DOOR, and then gone to look for M&Ms. He then would have kicked the door in and proceeded to scream in a purple faced rage until he lost his voice.

    PS – you don't cut the brake line….you let the air out of their tires…just enough so that they are on the road before they realize their tires are flat…..must harder for them to trace back to you…. ;-)

  36. lyndylou
    December 30, 2010 | 12:18 pm
  37. myevil3yearold
    December 30, 2010 | 12:45 pm

    My husband of 12 years thinks it is still funny to randomly walk by and grab my boob (not in an affectinate way) and go “honk”

    It pisses me off and I commuicate it to him pretty well.

    Someone must have honked at him in an enclosed space b/c he never seems to hear me.

  38. Sarahf
    December 30, 2010 | 12:58 pm

    I'm taking notes for when I find someone to be married to. In the meantime, I'll hunt down those M and Ms.

  39. Mrs. Tuna
    December 30, 2010 | 1:38 pm

    Yes you've learned the secret to insults. It's okay so that was a jerky thing to do without calling him a jerk. How do you think I've managed to stay married for 28 years. I point out all his assholy things not his actual asshole.

  40. Bouncin' Barb
    December 30, 2010 | 2:02 pm

    I used to tell people if you can make it through the first 10 years you can survive anything. I didn't forsee that I would have been a widow at 45. So now I'm starting the countdown again and we are at 4 years. Damn 6 more to go? I'll be an old woman of 56 if it doesn't work out. Guess I should rethink my philosophy huh? hehe.. Love you lady!

  41. Joann Mannix
    December 30, 2010 | 2:06 pm

    Wait. We're supposed to scrub that yellow armpit stuff? I thought it was just part of the shirt decoration.

    I know exactly what you mean. My hubs and I have been married for over 20 years. And yes, I was four when I married him. That's how we do it in the South. And we have learned over the years how to coexist and love one another the right way. That does't mean I still have to give him the occasional lesson on how to treat me, but once you get through the fights and the storm outs and the slamming of things, you learn and that is when life gets sweet.

    Do you have any green m&m's left? They're my favorites.

  42. Sparkling
    December 30, 2010 | 2:49 pm

    I'd kill him. Honking, tapping me to get my attention and mumbling will lead to k-ster's demise, I swear.

    But more importantly, did you find the M&Ms??????

  43. Snake
    December 30, 2010 | 2:58 pm

    He honked at you, and you shifted focus to M&Ms that fast? Sounds like ADD to me . . . lol Keep up the good work Sister S . . .

  44. Bibliomama
    December 30, 2010 | 3:02 pm

    So HOW do you get out the yellow armpit stuff?

  45. Cnidy
    December 30, 2010 | 3:22 pm

    my husband and I have been together just about as long…10 or so…and we have hallway sex now when we are mad.

    you know…we say F-YOU as we pass each other in the hall.

    then we start laughing.

    it rarely lasts very long, except when I am right..I'm always right!

    yeah right!!!

  46. Constar
    December 30, 2010 | 3:23 pm

    hahahaha!! so theres a day ill grow up and no longer feel like throwing dishes at the male currently irritating me!?! *sigh* youve given me hope sandra lol! have a happy new year :)

  47. becca
    December 30, 2010 | 3:31 pm

    see proof that chocolate fixes everything

  48. TheUnSoccerMom
    December 30, 2010 | 3:49 pm

    Can you teach ME how to communicate?? hahaha… I seriously would have bonked my husband on the head if he did that to me. You're a saint!

  49. TexWisGirl
    December 30, 2010 | 4:23 pm

    YOU are very funny! And very pretty! And in WAY too good of shape to be a mom. You depress me. Of course, you make me laugh first. :)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!

  50. Fizzgig
    December 30, 2010 | 4:36 pm

    the ability to call your snookems an asshole has an amazing effect on the relationship! I find, that if the man does something douchy, and I can say, you are a total asshole, and laugh about it together, no fights!

    Bravo!

  51. Mamma has spoken
    December 30, 2010 | 4:40 pm

    At least he's still looking at you in order to honk the car horn. Mine would be too busy listening to some sport thingy on the radio…

  52. Heather
    December 30, 2010 | 5:10 pm

    I shows maturity that you were willing to walk in front of the car while he was parking it. I am not sure The Coach wouldn't try to run me down.
    Kidding!! He wouldn't do that….he would have to change diapers!!

  53. Ashley
    December 30, 2010 | 5:10 pm

    hahaha! that's me and my husband =) It's always fun to be able to 'communicate' and get over little issues easily =)

  54. My name WAS Female, I shit you not!
    December 30, 2010 | 5:15 pm

    THX for the laughs!

    I'm still not there!
    You are sooooo much smarter than I am or was. ;0)

  55. Julia
    December 30, 2010 | 5:15 pm

    Hilarious! There's nothing worse than lukewarm soup!

  56. CkretsGalore
    December 30, 2010 | 5:39 pm

    Yesssss…that was a great Wayne story. I read it out to my Fiancee and we had a good chuckle. The three shots of baileys in my tea helping too.

  57. Gigi
    December 30, 2010 | 5:52 pm

    Please, Master, tell me the ways of being able to call my husband assholy without him getting upset.

    Love, Grasshopper

  58. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 30, 2010 | 6:00 pm

    Haha, sounds like you two have it down!

  59. Danielle
    December 30, 2010 | 6:08 pm

    Now that is some fine ass communication! I would get married if I could find some one to talk to like that! LOL

  60. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 30, 2010 | 6:17 pm

    Yay communication! That was a pretty assholey thing to do and I hope you got your m&ms. But it makes my heart smile that even though he laughed at you after he burst your ear drums he apologized and you didn't threaten to slash his brakes.

  61. meleah rebeccah
    December 30, 2010 | 6:26 pm

    Hooray for grown-upy ways to communicate.

    But for the record, him honking the horn like that was totally an assholey thing to do!

  62. Monkey Man
    December 30, 2010 | 6:29 pm

    nineteen years later, Mrs. MM and I are still working on that…well, anyway, she is still teaching me how to communicate. She's good (until she starts yelling). I still close up and pout. I was never taught otherwise. Maybe I should start yelling…with a mouthful of M&M's. Can't you just see them spraying all over the place as I make my high pitched vocal points?

  63. Katie
    December 30, 2010 | 6:56 pm

    Loved this post. . . so true about chocolate being more important than fighting!

    Thanks for coming to visit my blog. I am assuming you found me via my hilarious cousin, Poppy, at Funny or Snot. She's a riot, no?

    Anyway, good to “meet” you, I'll be following to make sure you don't have any long term eardrum injuries.

  64. Kristy
    December 30, 2010 | 8:14 pm

    My husband better not read this and get any ideas!

  65. Molly Malone
    December 30, 2010 | 8:42 pm

    Hahahahaaa! Awesome kiddo :) Thanks for the giggle!

  66. Myya
    December 30, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    I soooo enjoy reading you! My hubby & I banter a little like that too. We never fight, we just joke & get irritated then it gets resolved within minutes. Ahhhh it is so nice having a grown up relationship (even if in the middle of it all we call eachother a lil name LOL)

  67. Maggie S
    December 30, 2010 | 10:49 pm

    NINETEEN YEARS…HAVEN”T COMMUNICATED YET.

  68. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 31, 2010 | 12:23 am

    LOL my dad does that to my mom and she gets the most evil look on her face. The honking thing. Man, nothing pisses her off more! Hope you found the M&Ms.

  69. Stephanie in Suburbia
    December 31, 2010 | 1:03 am

    My husband high-fived me after our first fight. We're annoyingly fair and boring when we fight. It's almost not worth doing.

  70. gayle
    December 31, 2010 | 4:08 am

    I love the way you to fight!!

  71. Jill
    December 31, 2010 | 4:31 am

    Aww Love! I'm happy to read you have someone to laugh with. I need alot more of that in my relationships.

  72. jules
    December 31, 2010 | 1:16 pm

    I don't know if the main story is funnier or your luke warm soup trip! That really has me laughing! Glad you guys get along so well now! Communication is everything!

  73. Amanda
    December 31, 2010 | 6:11 pm

    Sandra…. let me tell you!

    The fact that you guys stuck together through the immaturity and didn't throw in the towel and get divorced is WHY you guys are here. I seriously believe this, because

    WE ARE THE EXACT SAME WAY!

    6 years of being together we couldn't fight right, we couldn't communicate right, and we were one BIG. FAT. MESS!

    Now, we grew up, we've had 4 1/2 solid years of COMMUNICATION and being adults.

    I love it.

    Happy New Year!!

  74. Ginger
    January 1, 2011 | 1:12 am

    You guys sound so cute. blargh! (I'm jealous)

  75. Lora
    January 2, 2011 | 2:43 am

    LOVE this. SO sounds like our relationship…

  76. Helene
    January 4, 2011 | 7:54 pm

    I've been with my insignificant other for 10 years. We now live in the same house (the economy-his lay off) for nearly two years though very separate areas. We've trashed each other to the point where if we do see each other we just glare. He called me a bad name. I told him his daughter was one to get back at him. He then told me he wasn't speaking to me anymore and that I try to make him feel bad. When he didn't make any mention of what he had said to me I knew it was over even as friendship. Your post made me smile.

    Love your blog already. And meant to put on the wall painting post-Go Blackhawks! :-)

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