New Year’s resolutions I most likely won’t keep

1. I will not judge people…

…much.

Let me be more specific. I will probably continue to judge the stupid mothers who sit at my daughter’s dance studio, their faces glued to the glass as they admire their progeny striking their dance poses, each believing that their kid is the one who is going to receive the elusive and prestigious ballet solo.

I will continue to judge them because MY KID GOT THE SOLO, and come on! How could they not have seen this coming.

But I won’t judge anybody else.
Promise.
I think…

2.  I will refrain from relying on the use of words describing private parts to get a cheap laugh.

An example of the words I will no longer use are: vagina, vulva, tits, nipples, asshole and/or butthole.

I may, however, on occasion write the word coochie, because I think that one has a nice ring to it, and it conjures an image of a cute little vagina wearing a sombrero.


image from here

3.  I will no longer make fun of my husband in my posts.

This means that when we go to the beach and he huddles in the middle of the blanket for fear of getting sand on his toes, I will not mock him publicly or blog about it.

It also means that I won’t post pictures of him without getting his explicit consent.
So pictures like this…
…are officially off-limits.
If he’s not capable of saying CHEESE, I will drag myself walk away from the photo op.
4.  I will not make fun of my kids.
Instead, I will behave in such a manner that embraces their differences and applauds their quirks, and allows them to grow into healthy, happy, secure individuals…I know, right, how boring!
I will respect their personal boundaries and not take pictures of, and/or blog about topics I’m quite certain would require that social services intervene and order me to take parenting classes.
This means I will no longer dress any of my kids up as Smurfs and make fun of the tail by referring to it as a buttnugget.
I will not encourage road side breaks with the sole intention of capturing them on camera while they are urinating.

And when vomit is involved, I will put down the camera, and rub their backs and/or brows cooing, “It’s ok. I’m pretty sure the other passengers can’t smell it.”

5.  I will refrain from swearing.
From now on, when I need to use a word to express deep emotion, I will rely on “frick,” “frack,” “frippety-frip-frip,” and the ever popular “you’ve got to be shittin’ me!”…wait, does that last one count as swearing?
I’m not even sure.
Anyway, no more fucken swearing from my mouth.
6.  However, my main resolution this year is to curb my narcissistic tendencies.
This having been said, I will no longer post pictures of myself in which I am scantilly clad, with the sole purpose of getting more shameless hits on my site.
….
….
Ok, well, I can’t be expected to go cold turkey, right?
But I swear that’s it! In my next post, I will remain fully clothed.
And in case some of you were planning a boycott or hate mail, you should know I’ve consumed copious amounts of chocolate and dessert over the holidays, and I’m pretty sure my stomach qualifies as what is termed a “muffin top.”
Although, I do have to admit that my muffin has slightly less batter.
Did you like this? Share it:
79 Responses to New Year’s resolutions I most likely won’t keep
  1. Kara Hoag
    December 28, 2010 | 7:12 am

    I think quitting swearing is along the same lines of quitting smoking. You shouldn't go cold turkey. Try easing off of it by using words such as fudge or fooey.

    Fuck it. Just keep the original words.

    visions unto myself

  2. Farmers Wifey
    December 28, 2010 | 7:15 am

    I completely do not believe you will follow through with any of these resolutions…you will continue them that is the tradition of your blog and I will fucking love it all the more.

    Now please send me a sombrero for my vagina.

  3. Flying high in the sky....
    December 28, 2010 | 7:31 am
  4. Mynx
    December 28, 2010 | 7:34 am

    Fibber.

  5. twilightgazing
    December 28, 2010 | 7:36 am

    Thank goodness you put that disclaimer in the title :) .

    Ok am I warped, but I think that photo of your boys is a fabulous one. Boys doing what boys do best!

    And coochie what a great word, that is going to be added to my vocabulary.

  6. Sarahf
    December 28, 2010 | 7:56 am

    Not doing all that stuff is going to give you a lot more time, what will you do with it?!

  7. Oilfield Trash
    December 28, 2010 | 8:12 am

    I don't believe in new years resolutions, but I wish you well in your quest.

  8. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 28, 2010 | 9:08 am

    Why not head in the other direction: more swearing, more sexy pics?

  9. SkippyMom
    December 28, 2010 | 9:48 am

    Suuuuure Sandra, sure.

    lol

    Oh and I like the word “hoohaw” too along with cootchie.

  10. Deborah
    December 28, 2010 | 11:47 am

    Where did you find that picture of my muffin??

  11. Jessica
    December 28, 2010 | 12:24 pm

    So you're just shutting the whole blog down then?? I will miss you. Come back soon!

  12. Sparkling
    December 28, 2010 | 1:44 pm

    I love the picture of the barfing child with the person next to him completely oblivious, reading something.

    And I don't think it's fair to say you have a muffin top just because you squeezed yourself into a pair of jeans that aren't your own!!

  13. Mrs. Tuna
    December 28, 2010 | 1:54 pm

    Don't change a fucking thing or I will have to stop following you.

  14. Organic Meatbag
    December 28, 2010 | 2:34 pm

    Hey, when you have the body, you have to flaunt it…be proud!

  15. Brandy Rose
    December 28, 2010 | 2:38 pm

    There you go, get it all out of your system now. You can do it!….( I can say that with out giggling, see how talented I am?)

  16. Snake
    December 28, 2010 | 2:44 pm

    Reearch shows a person can't handle more than five resolutions, so #6 has to go . . . If ya got it, flaunt it!

    Life is beautiful baby!

  17. Brahm (alfred lives here)
    December 28, 2010 | 2:54 pm

    Ha ha ha — fun post!

    I sat dont do any of these things, then where would the fun be in your blog for you and for us? Turn it around and do MORE of them!

  18. Jumble Mash
    December 28, 2010 | 3:03 pm

    I'm hoping you don't follow through with any of these. :)

  19. Kelley
    December 28, 2010 | 3:05 pm

    Shut up. Are you kidding me? You are so fit! You must work out all the time. I was thinking about skipping my spin class so that I could keep reading blogs, but GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL, you are making me want to run to my spin class now!

  20. Cindy
    December 28, 2010 | 3:15 pm

    I stopped reading at buttnugget.

    I need a mop for my coffee now.

  21. Shell
    December 28, 2010 | 3:30 pm

    Well, here's a case where I think it will be a good thing when someone doesn't go through with their resolutions!

  22. lx
    December 28, 2010 | 3:38 pm

    “no longer post pictures of myself in which I am scantilly clad”

    Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  23. Bouncin' Barb
    December 28, 2010 | 3:49 pm

    Sandra…if you do all of these things your blog might become boring. I implore you to reconsider. I beg you to not become ho-hum. All of the things you are giving up are why I love you! No, No, No….please!

  24. Danielle
    December 28, 2010 | 4:01 pm

    I bet your fingers are crossed right now!

  25. bluzdude
    December 28, 2010 | 4:18 pm

    If we wanted to read a blog with all those resolutions upheld, we'd be reading Martha Stewart.

    Never change, babee!

  26. Jill
    December 28, 2010 | 4:21 pm

    What in the world will you blog about?!

  27. Gigi
    December 28, 2010 | 4:22 pm

    I'm so happy that you are a giant liar.

    Don't put telling the truth on your resolution list.

    we like this blog with its butt nuggets and puking and muffin tops!

  28. Kristina P.
    December 28, 2010 | 4:25 pm

    Wow, I guess you will have turned into a real Mormon Mommy blogger!

    My last two years have included resolutions to judge more.

  29. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 28, 2010 | 4:53 pm

    These are resolutions that I expect you not to keep, otherwise, you'll be a completely different person and we all love you the way you are.

  30. Actuary Mom
    December 28, 2010 | 5:02 pm

    hahaha, you got me laughing.

  31. Kimberly
    December 28, 2010 | 5:04 pm

    *Throwing a Big Mac at your ripped body
    I hope that you suck at resolutions because it would make me sad if you stopped being all the hilarious goodness that is you. If we can't make fun of our husbands, what's the point of life?
    You can rub your kids backs though when they barf, I'll give you that one.
    PS. I want your body

  32. Blasé
    December 28, 2010 | 5:05 pm

    The day you stop judging the “stupid mothers” is the day I stop reading your blog.

    Btw, good luck with those resolutions…you'll need it.

  33. CkretsGalore
    December 28, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    Well now, you're blog would be way too boring then.

    PS I don't believe in New Years Resolutions so it's ok if you don't stick to them.

  34. caterpillar
    December 28, 2010 | 6:10 pm

    Hehehehehe…..good luck with the resolutions…..

  35. meleah rebeccah
    December 28, 2010 | 6:19 pm

    Please DON'T stop cussing, or making fun of your family members! EVER.

    And, how often do you work out? Because you're one slamming hottie. Your body is ahhhhmazing!!!

  36. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 28, 2010 | 6:22 pm

    Oh you…Can't wait to see what insanity and hilarity next year holds. P.S. No stretch marks…jealous. Very jealous. ::glares at own belly which has residual baby fat and stretch marks:: Gimme a break. I had a baby four months ago and I can't get off the couch. Ha!

  37. Nicole
    December 28, 2010 | 6:35 pm

    That is a seriously cute bikini. I am coveting it. My resolution to not covet things doesn't start until Jan 1.

  38. karensomethingorother
    December 28, 2010 | 6:47 pm

    And you're going to follow through on all of these things, are you. Okay, well there are these nice layouts? For your blog? Makes it look like a giant, snuggy scrap book! Fucken A!

  39. Yvonne
    December 28, 2010 | 7:35 pm

    You're such a fibber! lol Nice try though! And I hate you and your awesome body!!! Not in the “I want to hurt you” kind of hate, more the, “Damn! If only I had her legs, her hair, her flat stomach…” -See? All in fun! bahhahahha!

  40. SherilinR
    December 28, 2010 | 8:21 pm

    i think you could use twat as a helpful replacement for vagina & vulva. because it's colorful & has a nice ring to it.

  41. Rebecca
    December 28, 2010 | 8:25 pm

    So do you think any of those resolutinos will last beyond 12:01:30 on Jan 1?

  42. Bridget
    December 28, 2010 | 8:36 pm

    Bahahaha! Don't do it!

  43. knitwit
    December 28, 2010 | 8:48 pm

    Hahahaha! I REALLY hope you fail spectacularly–I don't want to be the only blogger in Manitoba receiving visits from social services.
    As a former sex ed teacher (no I'm not going to get all preachy here) who came across a LOT of kids (and also parents)who never learned the proper words for their body parts, I think you should UP your use of the words vagina, vulva etc. You'd technically be performing a public service.

  44. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 28, 2010 | 9:05 pm

    Booo! You're no fun! I love that about you adoptive momma!

    I hope you do break those resolutions. Resolutions were made to be broken…Just like rules! >:D

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  45. Monkey Man
    December 28, 2010 | 9:31 pm

    Uh, yah, like you'll be able to keep any of those resolutions. Of course, isn't that what resolutions are made for…to be broken? I don't make 'em. Stopped lying to myself long ago.

  46. Together We Save
    December 28, 2010 | 10:25 pm

    Oh my…. you are so funny!!

  47. randine
    December 28, 2010 | 10:29 pm

    That smurf costume is adorable!

    And what's the point of blogging if not to make fun of the hubby?? I mean- come on. Although I have to say- it wasn't a very fun day in my house when my husband started reading my blog.

  48. Mommy's Sippy Cup
    December 28, 2010 | 10:39 pm

    Dear Lord you seriously crack me up. And no, I wasn't starting off writing a letter to the Lord :)

    And anytime you want to start and be my trainer would be great. I just pretend :) Thanks.

  49. MacDougal Street Baby
    December 28, 2010 | 10:44 pm

    What about us? Don't we get a say? I think you're perfect just the way you are!

  50. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 28, 2010 | 11:35 pm

    Well I love your sense of humor and will read your blog anyways. :)

  51. On My Soapbox
    December 28, 2010 | 11:36 pm

    All right, who kidnapped Sandra and who wrote this post???

    P.S. The word verification for this post is “unwee”. Hee.

  52. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    December 28, 2010 | 11:56 pm

    Not swearing. Fuckin-A, bee-otch! I fucking abhor foul language myself, and salute your resolve.

    P.S. — I also abhor pictures of scantily clad women. I'm practically a saint that way.

    P.P.S. — Captch word: erbustl

  53. The Vegetable Assassin
    December 29, 2010 | 12:12 am

    Your lovely boyfriend (ha!) with the multiple sombreros in the photo up there used to be my Live Journal icon once upon a time. How I missed his sombrero clad privates. Sigh!

    Also, I like “bumbalaree” and “front bottom” for a lady's business area, what say you? :)

  54. Copyboy
    December 29, 2010 | 1:14 am

    I draw the line at NO #3!!! Loved the no nookie from hubbie post. Or the combat boots at the dance recital.

  55. Carri
    December 29, 2010 | 1:27 am

    Don't you stop fucking cussing!

  56. myevil3yearold
    December 29, 2010 | 1:50 am

    You said butt nuggett.

  57. Stephanie in Suburbia
    December 29, 2010 | 2:16 am

    They need to make a patch for swearing! Wee 'Burb is juuust starting to repeat things and for awhile I know I can get away with being like “oh, no, she meant cook, daddy is a big cook, not a big cock!” I did bust out a good “flibbertygibbit” the other day when I stubbed my toe and could see she was extra attentive. Try repeating THAT ONE!

  58. Geekin' Hard
    December 29, 2010 | 3:28 am

    Best. Post. Evar.

    And don't you dare live up to any of them!

  59. My SoCal Life
    December 29, 2010 | 5:37 am

    OMG this was hilarious! Thank you for a great read!!!

  60. Booyah's Momma
    December 29, 2010 | 5:48 am

    If I could look half as good as you in a bikini? It would satisfy my own New Year's resolutions for years to come.

  61. Poppy
    December 29, 2010 | 6:05 am

    If you can't abuse the one's you love, what good are they? Give up cookies? No problem. Exercise more? Sure. Lay off the family for blog fodder? – that would last till about noon on Jan 1st.

  62. WhisperingWriter
    December 29, 2010 | 6:16 am

    Yeah, I tend to call private parts funny words too. Which is weird because in real life I call them a penis and vagina. But it just seems more amusing to call them wee wees and bahoohoos.

  63. ~ Darla ~
    December 29, 2010 | 6:40 am

    LOL…times 10. Funny stuff, Sandra. Coochie, coochie coo.

    Here's one for you…the next time you get mad and want to scream out, “Oh, for f@ck sakes,” say, “Oh, for five, six, seven, eight. Lame, but I thought you could work it in somehow :-)

    You are hilarious.

  64. Lanie Painie
    December 29, 2010 | 12:17 pm

    I hope you fail miserably. Otherwise, I have wasted my time finding your blog at the exact wrong moment.

  65. anSeL
    December 29, 2010 | 2:03 pm

    ha!ha!ha!

  66. Julie
    December 29, 2010 | 2:04 pm

    How in the world Sandra can you look so beautiful and have those boys. You amaze me, you really do.
    I love your resolutions but I don't think you should follow through with them because, well it just wouldn't be you or your blog. :o )
    I hope you have an extraordinary day today. God Bless!!!

  67. Heather
    December 29, 2010 | 2:21 pm

    That was the best resolution list I have ever read!

  68. Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun
    December 29, 2010 | 4:27 pm

    But, but…what will we read if you stick to those resolutions?? LOL

    And that urinating picture is absolutely priceless.

  69. Saimi
    December 29, 2010 | 5:09 pm

    That resolution sounds as realistic as the whole loosing weight one. Oh well we have to start somewhere right???

  70. Ms. Bake-it
    December 29, 2010 | 6:29 pm

    Hello Sandra,

    So glad you stopped by so I could follow you back here! OMW You are are riot! I read back several posts and cracked up at each of them. Love the disclaimer in the post title!

    ~ Tracy

  71. Megan (Best of Fates)
    December 29, 2010 | 6:38 pm

    Not enough batter?

    It sounds like time for some Christmas fudge!

  72. becca
    December 29, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    that is by far the best resolution list i've ever read and i hope like the rest of us poor souls you'll break everyone by the second day pleasse for our enjoyment of your writing please break them. great post and thank you for the giggle. oh and totally love sombrero man.

  73. Maryann
    December 29, 2010 | 9:48 pm

    Wow you look great! And I love this post, especially the title :)

  74. kenzie
    December 29, 2010 | 10:50 pm

    haha. there were amazing.
    “i will not judge people…much”

    as my sister always says, “if you dont have anything nice to say, come sit next to me”

    happy new year!

  75. Making It Work Mom
    December 30, 2010 | 12:03 am

    I like the idea of making a list of resolutions that you will not keep – it kind of sets the tone for the year, ya know.
    Honestly isn't that why we have husbands and children – to laugh and make fun of them, or is that just me?

  76. KittyCat
    December 30, 2010 | 2:03 am

    I never really make a list.
    I have to work on shit all year long.

    but my curret goal is to stop looking.
    enjoy what I have.
    right in front of me.

    learn to let go of all those things you think are important that really are not.

    I think its awesome to show off your body if you have one worthy of showing.
    you should participate in HNT or OHNT.
    Just sayin

  77. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    December 30, 2010 | 2:17 am

    Then what the hell will you write about missy?

  78. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 31, 2010 | 12:21 am

    I often say “I don't give a flying fruitcake” at work, but then year-end comes and I'm back to f-bombs all over. And come on, the pic of Wayne on the towel is classic! I loved that post!!

  79. Semi-Slacker Mom
    December 31, 2010 | 8:52 pm

    I am laughing my ass off. That's good because I got a little extra back there over the holidays. I blame it on the liquor. One of my kid's is totally being a Smurf next Helloween. yes, I know it's misspelled.

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL ../../2010/12/new-years-resolutions-i-most-likely-wont-keep.html/trackback