Me wearing a bathing suit…Big time showoff! HUGE!

Nope. My vanity knows no bounds.

Yes. I have posted a picture of myself wearing one of the suits that my famous designer friend makes for posing competitions.
Why? Because there is a story behind how I got that terrific December tan without having to lay in a bed in which my skin soaks up cancerous rays.

And I’m a big, fat show-off…and hello, I’m a narcissist! Name of the blog people.


image from Becauseyourfabulous.com

My designer friend, affectionately known as Janella, asked me if I would model the suits posted on her website for body building and figure competitions.

No, I’m not still competing.

But yes, I will always harbor a secret desire to become a famous runway model, even if high heels make me wobble, and short dresses have this weird way of bunching themselves up around my waist when I walk…

So in the spirit of making all of my dreams come true, even if this one is fading fast because I ain’t getting any younger, and even though I can squat a bar weighing as much as I do, my behind is obstinately refusing to get back up there where it belongs, I can’t afford to be choosy about what I’m modeling. 
And an opportunity to feel young and cellulite-free cannot be denied.

Now, one of the tricks of the trade is nice, glowing, tanned skin.
So instead of going to the tanning beds and/or a weekend away in Jamaica, I tried spray tanning.

Spray tanning.
I swear I will never live without it from here on out.
It’s fast.
Relatively cheap: $40.00 for one coat.
And lasts 7-10 days.

Here’s the catch though: if you don’t want the tan lines, which I couldn’t have for this fashion shoot, it’s best to go naked.
Now, as you’ve probably already figured out, I’m no prude.

But even I was taken slightly aback when the young girl wielding the spray bottle said, “Take all your clothes off and go stand on that towel.”
I replied, “As in: take all my clothes off?”
She said, “Unless you don’t mind the tan lines, but most people just get naked.”

Ok. Getting naked I sort of could handle.
After all, it’s just one girl in her early twenties.
Nobody else is around.
It’s not like I have a third nipple.
It’s nakedness.
It’s natural.

BUT THEN, she says, “Stand with your back to me, spread your legs, and put your hands against the wall.”
UMMM….it’s the “assume the position” position!


image from here

So I’m standing like this.
Only I’m buck naked.
Again, I’m not a prude.
But come on, I’m naked!
There could be hairy body parts, which are normally not privy to the human eye, hanging out there for this complete-stranger-spray-tan-lady to see.

Of course, when I’m nervous, my brain-to-mouth filter shortcircuits, and as a result, this is the kind of conversation I’m making with complete-stranger-spray-tan-lady:

“So what do people usually do while you’re spraying them?”
She replies, “They stand there.”
I ask, “What kinds of things do they talk about?”
She says, “They talk about the trip they’re about to go on. They might talk about their jobs. Maybe they tell me what they did the night before.”

I excitedly say, “I went to the bar last night!”
She replies, “That’s nice.”
I say, “I was wearing a g-string, and I danced for hours. I think my g-string gave me crotch burn. Can you tell?”…

The spray tan machine stops.
The complete-stranger-spray-tan-lady calmly replies, “Uummm…let me see…nope. There’s no rug burn. You’re good.”

I proceed to say, “No, I didn’t say rug burn…” but the machine is back on, and quite honestly, how much more degradation should I put myself through.
It’s bad enough that I’m standing in the “frisk me” position while tan-coloured dye is spraying my coochie.

I think it’s best I shut the fuck up now.

Did you like this? Share it:
100 Responses to Me wearing a bathing suit…Big time showoff! HUGE!
  1. Meri
    December 23, 2010 | 6:12 am

    Dang woman! Lookin fine!

  2. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 23, 2010 | 6:17 am

    Very nice.

  3. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 23, 2010 | 6:18 am

    Dude, my word verification was “niagor.” Try saying that quickly without cracking a smile.

  4. ChiTown Girl
    December 23, 2010 | 6:24 am

    First – you are smokin' hot in that suit!

    Second – I would love to know what kind of crazy shit that poor girl has heard if she didn't even bat an eye about checking out your 'rug burn.' Too funny!

  5. DysFUNctional Mom
    December 23, 2010 | 6:29 am

    Shut.up.
    And to think, I liked you for a minute there.
    Seriously, you look amazing! If I looked like that I'd be posting pics all over the place.

  6. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 23, 2010 | 6:31 am

    That is why I will never model, or get a spray tan. If I tan at all it'll be au natural. I'm careful when it comes to sun block.

    But I must say momma, you do look fabulous in that suit!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  7. A Daft Scots Lass
    December 23, 2010 | 6:35 am

    Stunning suit to match a stunning gurl.

  8. Yvonne
    December 23, 2010 | 6:44 am

    OOOOH! CALIENTE!!! lol You are one hot mama! This post was hilarious!

  9. Poppy
    December 23, 2010 | 6:54 am

    I can't get past the picture to the funny. Yes I can, I'm not that shallow. Yes, I am. You've shamed me into going to the gym. Right after I wipe these cookie crumbs off the latest issue of Oxygen.
    I can one up you on the coochie burns. I get those the old fashioned way.

  10. SkippyMom
    December 23, 2010 | 7:03 am

    Why does this picture make me want to have been born a lesbian? Damn heterosexuality.

    I have to agree – if I looked like you after four kids [which I have had] I would be posting 10 pics a day.

    Rock the world girl. You absolutely should.

    You are going to make every patients “Hot Nurse” fantasy come true once you graduate.

    Didn't think about that, did you? Well it is cracking me up. You are soooo in trouble. heehee

  11. StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously?
    December 23, 2010 | 7:11 am

    Man.

    You are one sexy bitch. I've said it before, I said it again, and I will continue to say it.

    Also? Why is it that awkward situations seem to render MORE uncomfortable conversation? Is it just a Blogger thing, or are we just the only honest ones?

    Anyway, work that spray tan!!

  12. SherilinR
    December 23, 2010 | 7:16 am

    wow, you got your cootch spray painted. every hoodlum tagger's dream cum true.

  13. Mumstrosity
    December 23, 2010 | 7:48 am

    Lol I never go full naked, plus I hate 'spraying' conversation, I'm thinking Just shut the hell up and spray my strechmarked saggy winter white body!

  14. Texan Zombie Goddess
    December 23, 2010 | 7:52 am

    Okay, don't take it wrong when I say I wish I could run you over with a zamboni. It is jealousy. You are probably used to it lol. You look amazingly HOT!

    IiiI

  15. Laoch of Chicago
    December 23, 2010 | 8:06 am

    Note to self: spray tanning is perilous!

  16. Blasé
    December 23, 2010 | 9:30 am

    You GO, Girlfriend!!!

  17. TinaM
    December 23, 2010 | 11:41 am

    You are so funny! lol.
    Oh the stories that spray tan girl must have!

    If I had a body like yours, I would go get the spray tan and just walk around naked all the time!
    Haha. Ok, no I wouldn't :)
    But I would definitly post pics of myself EVERY fricken day!!!!

    Have a Happy Holiday!

  18. ms. caboo
    December 23, 2010 | 12:32 pm

    Ok, I'm putting the cookies down now. I want to look like you, lady!

  19. Mo 'Betta
    December 23, 2010 | 1:16 pm

    It's official. I hate you. Merry Christmas. Go eat some Oreos.

    (ok, I may have some jealousy issues!)

  20. Mrs. Tuna
    December 23, 2010 | 1:19 pm

    I can feel the fat cells multiplying while I read this post.

  21. MacDougal Street Baby
    December 23, 2010 | 1:20 pm

    Clearly narcissism and fearlessness are related. I think you may just be the bravest person on earth.

  22. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    December 23, 2010 | 1:34 pm

    AAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHHAHAHA awesome. and might i say very gorgeous, lady.

  23. anSeL
    December 23, 2010 | 1:52 pm

    OMG! I definitely will not do this even if I have abody like yours. BUt you have a very great bidy there, girl!

  24. nitebyrd
    December 23, 2010 | 1:55 pm

    It was worth getting your coochie spritzed with dye, you look FABULOUS!

    Have a very Merry Christmas, girl!

  25. jules
    December 23, 2010 | 2:01 pm

    Sounds totally awkward but hilarious at the same time! I might check this out sometime! Too funny. I probably would not be able to stop talking either.

    Oh, and killer body! you look amazing!

  26. gayle
    December 23, 2010 | 2:11 pm

    If I had your body…….I would do Play Boy!

  27. ChiTown Girl
    December 23, 2010 | 2:21 pm

    OK, bee-otch! I just clicked on the link under the picture, and looked at the 20 other totally freakin' hot pictures of you! You might as well just admit now that you stole those 4 babies from the nursery at the hospital, cuz there's NO way THAT body carried and then birthed 4 mother-scratchin' babies!!!! Day-um, Girl!!! I think I have to hate you now. Ok, I don't, but I want to! Ok, no I don't….

  28. Sarah
    December 23, 2010 | 2:25 pm

    Your honesty is so refreshing.

  29. Courtney
    December 23, 2010 | 2:30 pm

    Hysterical. You look fantastic. I'm jealous.

  30. FatAngryBlog
    December 23, 2010 | 2:39 pm

    Hilarious comment to the tanning girl!!!

    And OMFG – wow, I wish I looked like that in a swimsuit!

    Hot, hot, hot!

  31. Jumble Mash
    December 23, 2010 | 2:40 pm

    Hottness!!! And OMG I could never stand naked in front of a stranger. You win.

  32. Yummy…and I checked the location of your behind…looks great right where it is ;-)

  33. Cindy
    December 23, 2010 | 3:29 pm

    LOVE THE SUIT!!!

    you rock lady!

    good for you

  34. Oilfield Trash
    December 23, 2010 | 4:00 pm

    Looking good. And working the spray tan as well.

  35. -stephanie-
    December 23, 2010 | 4:01 pm

    I hate you…..and I mean that as the best compliment ever. :o )

    Funny tanning story. :o D

  36. Lin
    December 23, 2010 | 4:14 pm

    lmao…that's hilarious, she actually checked for you! Also, thanks to you I totally feel like a fatty mcfatterson cause I dont have any kids & I dont look anywhere near as hot as you do *sad face*.

  37. Monkey Man
    December 23, 2010 | 4:17 pm

    You crack me up…you are all concerned about being naked in front of “I'm going to paint you like a house” girl, then proceed to ask her to check your backside for thong burn???? You might as well have just asked her to take a really close look at your privates and give you a written report with photos….or is that the next blog?

    You're gonna need a mature subject matter disclaimer.

  38. Brandy Rose
    December 23, 2010 | 4:18 pm

    I'd be a lil disappointed if I was asked to stand in the “frisk me” position and all I got was a tan… Looking good btw ;)

  39. Constar
    December 23, 2010 | 4:22 pm

    UMMMMM im really jelous!!! seriously im 23 and i havent had kids and i have never looked like that in a bikini! and what an awesome bikini too by the way! i love it almost as much as i loved those gold shoes you put the pic up of. almost bought a pair myself the other day!

  40. Kristina P.
    December 23, 2010 | 4:28 pm

    I don't think I can visit you anymore. It's bad for my self-esteem!

    I hope you vagina is feeling very tan and happy.

  41. Jessica
    December 23, 2010 | 4:40 pm

    I'm with Kristina! ;-)

    You are a hot mama!

  42. Lin
    December 23, 2010 | 4:48 pm

    You're embarrassed???! Criminy–imagine my fat ass standing there! Yikes. I think no conversation is probably best in that situation.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours, pally!

  43. CkretsGalore
    December 23, 2010 | 4:57 pm

    Once again, I would tap that.
    RAWRNESS!!

    I don't know about the spray tan as so many people seem to look like oompa loompas. I'm frightened.

    I would look funny in Ft. McMurray with a spray tan as well. Unless you're Somalian, everyone is practically translucent.

  44. Krissy
    December 23, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    And you've had how many children? You go, girl! I have had none and you wouldn't catch me wearing that.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

  45. Rox
    December 23, 2010 | 5:18 pm

    Coochie burns. Ouch. That sounds awful.

  46. ournextchapters.com
    December 23, 2010 | 5:18 pm

    ha! Love it! I've always wondered about spray tans… I'm a baker myself… need to stop.

    btw… HOT!

  47. Booyah's Momma
    December 23, 2010 | 5:19 pm

    I was a little tempted to stop reading once I got to the picture. Jealous!

    And I have been wondering about spray tanning… until I got to the end of your story. I think I might skip that one. :)

  48. JUST ME
    December 23, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    Ummm, that bathing suit is frightening.

    But you are HOT in it. Which is a feat. Since it's frightening.

  49. Edie Kate
    December 23, 2010 | 5:32 pm

    My nail lady is a body builder she always shows me her fabulous suits. I am always floored at how expensive they are! Of course they fit her perfectly and the s[ray tan makes a huge difference. It always cracks me up when I see her after a competition all tan when she was a whitey before.

    Also? Because of your description, I have lots of fun things to ask her next week at my appointment.

  50. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 23, 2010 | 6:08 pm

    Good thing you are beautiful. I probably couldn't do it. Though yay for you!

  51. Rebecca
    December 23, 2010 | 6:09 pm

    Do me a favor and thank God for the lovely body he gave you. While you work hard for the fitness level your body has, you were also given glowing, smooth skin. You're beautiful and look amazing in that bathing suit.

  52. Pamela
    December 23, 2010 | 6:15 pm

    I hate you. Not really, but I am totally jealous, you hot mama!! Also, love how you were striking up conversation with the spray tan lady – too funny:)

  53. twelvedaysold
    December 23, 2010 | 7:04 pm

    Diarrhea of the mouth. All the women in my family suffer from it.

    I hate how hot you are. And you KNOW IT! At least you're showing it off!

  54. Bouncin' Barb
    December 23, 2010 | 7:11 pm

    You had 4 kids. Nothing to be shy about. If I looked like that I would walk in public naked. Can you imagine what this poor lady sees when someone like me comes in? To last a month it's $120. That's not cheap. Oh I miss my tanning sessions. The best tan in my life. But Bruce made me stop…that so and so….lol. You look awesome sweetie.

  55. Cinderita
    December 23, 2010 | 7:30 pm

    Hell. If I looked like you, never mind that you've got a complete stranger staring at your bits, but I'd become a narcassist too. As it is, I don't even think I can spell it.

    Happy Holidays!

  56. Ameena
    December 23, 2010 | 7:34 pm

    If I looked like you I would flaunt my bikini-clad body on my blog daily. But I don't look like you so I flaunt completely useless nonsense on my blog instead.

    You are a knockout!!

    Happy Holidays!

  57. Jeff
    December 23, 2010 | 8:38 pm

    Excuse me for a minute while I catch my breath and re-focus my eyes. Ok..now where was I..oh I think I was going to type something like WOWYUMWOW. Is that a descriptive word? :-)

  58. Doreen McGettigan
    December 23, 2010 | 9:12 pm

    That was just hilarious and I really needed hilarious just now!
    Happy Holidays!

  59. bluzdude
    December 23, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    I don't know what you're worried about. I'm sure stranger spray-tan lady has seen worse. I bet she's seen shit that she would pay top dollar to un-see.

    She must rejoice every time she sees a hot milf come strolling in…

  60. becca
    December 23, 2010 | 9:48 pm

    i liked you till i saw the picture now i hate you and i'm jealous. going to take my bag of Oreo cookies and go pout in the cornwe.

    seriously though great post and i had to laugh about the assume the position remark to funny.

  61. Megs
    December 23, 2010 | 10:10 pm

    Wait…your butt used to be higher than that? What the hell have I been doing wrong my whole life?!

  62. Holly Ruggiero
    December 23, 2010 | 10:33 pm

    You are in awesome shape. You experience getting a tan sprayed on was wild and amusing.

  63. The Vegetable Assassin
    December 23, 2010 | 11:35 pm

    You know, it might be mortifying but it made a hellova blog story, no? So just you continue embarrassing yourself while publicly naked for our entertainment, okay? :)

    Incidentally, I have the worst luck with spray tans mainly because I am full of bravado and attempt them myself and invariably end up orange and patchy. So I just sucked it up and told everyone pale was interesting. While growling at myself.

    Hell, your bum looks in the perfect position to me, lady! Not that I'm an expert on ladies' bums or anything. I don't swing that way!

  64. Bibliomama
    December 23, 2010 | 11:37 pm

    I'm actually okay because even before my kids I was never going to look like that. I'm just going to admire you as a lovely example of a whole different species from me.

  65. Snuggle Wasteland
    December 24, 2010 | 1:28 am

    If I looked like that in a swimsuit that picture would be on my blog header!

    Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

  66. Just telling it like it is
    December 24, 2010 | 1:35 am

    Hotness my new girl crush

  67. Bridget
    December 24, 2010 | 2:13 am

    You look gorgeous in that swimsuit. My self esteem just took a nosedive and I am now staying away from the mirrors in my house until it rebuilds itself… ;)

    Merry Christmas :D

  68. Sarahf
    December 24, 2010 | 2:51 am

    You look great! I've thought about spray tans before, but I blush when I get a wax. Full nakedness and assume the position? God knows what I'd do…

  69. Felicia
    December 24, 2010 | 5:25 am

    Thank you! Seriously thank you for this post. A year or so ago as I am staring out the car window and daydreaming I turn and ask Mr E out of the blue how in the hell do you get a spray on tan without getting the white spots under flappy butt cheeks or sagging boobs.

    Now in defense there was a reason behind the question, we were at the local sand bar that day and some older woman with skin so brown it looked like tanned leather bent over to pick up her grandson's toy and bam! There under each butt cheek on the back of her thighs where these huge half moon white spots. This led me to thinking about the the boobs.

    Since I have yet to actually be able to get a spray tan the question had gone unanswered. That is until this post.

    See now you can add educational to your list of what this blog is amazing for!!! =)

  70. Holly
    December 24, 2010 | 11:29 am

    Oh My GOSH!! Your spray tan story is TOO FUNNY!!

    Can I just say “I HATE YOU… You're NOT a BIG FAT ANYTHING!!!”

    OK… not REALLY… not the HATE part, anyway… the rest is TRUE!!

    Merry Christmas!! ((HUGS))

  71. Nat
    December 24, 2010 | 12:33 pm

    Never tried the whole spray tanning thing and after reading this I doubt I will!
    You're one HOT lady by the way….and I hate you so much :-)
    Happy Christmas!

  72. Terri
    December 24, 2010 | 1:54 pm

    I did Mystic Tan once and felt like an Oompa Loompa – I think it's more realistic when they use a hand-sprayer! :)

  73. amyblam.com
    December 24, 2010 | 4:54 pm

    So so funny. And you look great! I still miss tanning beds. Stupid cooking your insides and skin cancer and wrinkle causingness.

  74. caterpillar
    December 24, 2010 | 6:19 pm

    Looking good, Sandra…. :) Merry Christmas to you and your family…

  75. Fizzgig
    December 24, 2010 | 6:20 pm

    can i borrow your body? i promise i wont fill it with christmas cookies, wine, and scores of bread and cheese snacks over the next week. I just want to be comfortable in my jeans!

    Thanks!

  76. Jessica
    December 24, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    You go girl. Not about the crotch burn but about your rockin bod.

  77. Sparkling
    December 24, 2010 | 9:27 pm

    You never cease to make me laugh out loud. Nope, no rug burN!

  78. On My Soapbox
    December 24, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    Hot damn! I haven't had any kids and sure as hell don't look like that. You go, girl!!

  79. Colleen (Shibley Smiles)
    December 25, 2010 | 7:27 pm

    You look great!

    Just stopped by to say Happy Holidays!

    Colleen
    Shibley Smiles

  80. meleah rebeccah
    December 26, 2010 | 7:27 am

    you are ABSOLUTELY beautiful!

  81. Jill
    December 26, 2010 | 6:06 pm

    Honey, you are too gorgeous for words. You look like you're 21! How many kids have you had? Weren't you going to school? Um, when do you find the time?! I hope you know it's not normal to look like that…

    I spray tan for events. It's one of my greatest indulgences and I've blogged about it bc as you pointed out, it's a…vulnerable experience lol!

    Hope you had a Merry Christmas! Big hug!

  82. Snake
    December 26, 2010 | 6:53 pm

    Winnipeg? We're practically neighbors . . .

    Great blog! Keep on writing . . .

    Ciao

  83. Patti Murphy
    December 27, 2010 | 2:07 am

    Wow! You look incredible. Loved the verbal diarrhea.

    Cracked me up quite a bit. Not as much as you were though!

  84. Clyde
    December 27, 2010 | 8:41 am

    I have a spray gun and I learn quickly—so could I come along the next time you go.
    Fine looking tan

  85. Danielle
    December 27, 2010 | 3:08 pm

    Ok, bathing suits are comment worthy even if I am #85. I want to hate you right now, but your too damn hot to hate.
    Now I have to be one of those damn new years resolution-ers that piss me off so that I can take a picture like that. UGGGG!!!!!

  86. jolie-jordan
    December 27, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    Do you know that after this photo most ordinary women will hate you?

    Even as a baby I'd never dare wear something like that.

    On the other hand I am rather prudish and will never have to take the position. How do they keep the spray from going into areas where it shouldn't? ewwwwy..

    Jolie

    Maybe I'll post a photo of me in my slippers and bathrobe with a couple of curlers in my hair. Now there is sex appeal.

  87. Em
    December 27, 2010 | 9:14 pm

    Hello. I saw you follow Michaela from 'Coming From A Small Town'. I want to ask you to read my blog and then if you like, you could maybe post about it on your blog. It would be a big help. I promise this is no spam or trick, I only want people to know about this and let other people know :) I hope you're having a nice day.

    my blog is:

    http://emilytkay.blogspot.com/

    Thank you very much!

  88. kenzie
    December 27, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    haha. this made me laugh out loud because i've been there! i love love love spray tans when you need a quick browning but its so awkward and i'm the queen of making awkward situations more…awkward. oh, hilarious! nice bathing suit, by the way!

  89. Jill from Killeny Glen
    December 28, 2010 | 12:51 am

    You GO Sandra! You can work that suit AND the spray tan!

  90. Jemi Fraser
    December 28, 2010 | 2:24 am

    You look terrific :)

  91. MommaKiss
    December 28, 2010 | 2:38 am

    a) can we make out b) will you assume the position for me? great!!

  92. Kim
    December 28, 2010 | 3:11 am

    You look mah-velous! Spray tan on crotch burn and all!

  93. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 28, 2010 | 4:46 am

    The conversation you had with the spray tan girl is hilarious. I don't know if I would be able to get naked and assume the position for a stranger – it would feel too weird! You are a brave woman.

  94. Kernut the Blond
    December 28, 2010 | 5:19 pm

    OMG! First – You look hot! Second: That conversation is hilarious!

    Third: I feel really pale now. Never had a spray tan (I use the bottled stuff, but it never looks as good as a spray tan). Not sure if I want my lady bits sprayed. Does she spray those, too?

  95. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings
    December 28, 2010 | 11:51 pm

    Two things:

    One, well, WOW!, and thank you kindly.

    Two, I really need to get a job at a tanning booth.

  96. Julie from Momspective
    December 30, 2010 | 7:18 pm

    Holy hotness! Growl!

  97. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 31, 2010 | 12:18 am

    You did not say that. Did you?! SANDRA!! Then again, I'd probably say something way dumber. And again – you llok fabulous! Did you have 4 kids? I don't believe it.

  98. NJ EMS
    January 24, 2011 | 1:18 pm

    WOOOOOOOW!!!!!

  99. June
    February 10, 2011 | 6:41 am

    You cannot get your ass higher because YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!

    I worked out from age 38 to age 42, and I looked really good, but I never ever looked like that. I remember getting off the rowing machine after half an hour and feeling like my ass was halfway up to my shoulder blades . . . but I still had it.

  100. Saucy B
    June 23, 2011 | 11:28 am

    my God woman you are in amazing shape. I don't think i was that fit in my 20's.
    btw, I'm a total airbrush tan devotee too. Personally, i usually go topless when i get it done. hubs likes the “stripper” tan lines.
    I wrote about it in a post called:
    Rotisserie Gold
    http://www.lifeofsaucyb.com/2010/05/rotisserie-gold.html

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