It’s ok, I don’t answer back…ok, maybe I do…

I’ve mentioned once or twice that I have this habit of talking to myself.
I’m not really picky when and where I do this. If I have something to say to myself, I say it.
After being at home sick for almost a week, I was especially chatty yesterday when I was out of the house for the first time in days.

I caught myself having this particularly riveting conversation, and although I should be ashamed and embarrassed, it made me realize two things: 1. there is such a thing as cabin fever and 2. I may be a bit of a loser:

“I can’t believe I’m finally out of the house.
I hadn’t left the house in over five days.
I wonder if that makes me, like, a hermit?…a dirty hermit. I went five days without showering. I probably would have gone longer if I hadn’t crapped my pants

…buddy, you planning on stepping on the gas pedal because this light isn’t getting any greener…what is his problem? Maybe he’s unconscious?
Buddy, go! Don’t make me honk my horn!
What the fuck is he doing in there?
I can’t even see his head. Is there even somebody in that car?…oh, there he goes.
Good for you buddy, you foot does reach the gas pedal!…
…I’m just gonna pass this guy…Hi Mister!…they hate it when I wave at them as I’m passing…

…I know I shouldn’t keep looking at myself in the rearview mirror, but I can’t believe how pretty I look today.
It’s only because I’ve been schlepping around looking like death for a week.
Although my hair is really nice right now.
Even that guy over there is looking at me.
Buddy, eyes on the road!
You wouldn’t be looking at me all Ricco Suavé if you knew I pooped my pants yesterday…

So what do I have left to get before Christmas?…Pretty much everything…

…Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! That’s the guy from the green light again. Why would you speed up to pass me if you’re just going to slow right down in front of me? Is that a crack pipe you’re smoking? Is that your problem?…doubt it though, what are you, like 200 years old? You can’t even see above the steering wheel.
Buddy, drive it like you own it! That’s it…that’s it….a little faster so those joggers on the side of the road aren’t running faster than we’re rolling…
GAH! Are you fucken kidding me?
Ok, I’m passing you again Mister, this time I’m not going to wave. Look at me Mister. I’m not waving, I’m not waving…”

“Mom!” Wyatt says from next to me. “I hate to disturb your conversation with decrepid elderly man, but can you not talk to yourself when we pick up my friend. And can you not mention crapping yourself. Thanks.”

…ppfffttt…like those are bad things…

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63 Responses to It’s ok, I don’t answer back…ok, maybe I do…
  1. Feminist Military Spouse
    December 15, 2010 | 11:19 pm

    LMAO! I am so used to working in the lab by myself, that when someone came in and observed I was talking to myself and then said something about it, I was shocked.

  2. Tay Talk
    December 15, 2010 | 11:24 pm

    ha-ha-ha…You were really getting into it with yourself! No worries though, we all have these moment. If I had been locked away, I'd have done the same thing.

  3. FatAngryBlog
    December 15, 2010 | 11:25 pm

    LOL!!!!!!! I talk to myself too!scappe

  4. Saimi
    December 15, 2010 | 11:34 pm

    I'm the worlds best listener, I listen to myself talk all the time!!

    Glad you're up and about!

  5. becca
    December 15, 2010 | 11:38 pm

    omg to funny and darling you only time you should worry about talking to yourself is if you ever lose an anrguement then you need to be concerned till then enjoy the talk.

  6. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 15, 2010 | 11:42 pm

    I am glad you are feeling better.

    That is AWESOME that Wyatt was in the car with you. So funny!! I talk to myself all the time too. I also find myself sticking my tongue out alot when I am concentrating.

    You SHOULD talk to yourself while his friend is in the car with you too!! Embarrassing the kids is so much fun!! You should mumble stuff incoherently throwing in phrases like… where to hide the body in the trunk… he crapped his pants when I…. hope Wyatt's friend didn't hear…. LOL and freak them out.

  7. Monkey Man
    December 15, 2010 | 11:48 pm

    Blame it all on Bluetooth technology. I can't tell you how many times I have thought someone was talking to me in a store – after all I am so charismatic of course they would want to talk to me – and they were actually talking on one of those Borg earpiece things. I hate those earpieces and their self important owners….but that's a whole other blog.

    BTW – Thanks for the music talk. Is it still “Raining”?

  8. caterpillar
    December 16, 2010 | 12:05 am

    lol…I keep talking to myself and my not-so-better half gets a kick out of listening to me without my knowledge…

  9. Dazee Dreamer
    December 16, 2010 | 12:09 am

    So glad I'm not the only person that talks to the people in front of me that have no idea what the gas pedal is for.

  10. Gigi
    December 16, 2010 | 12:20 am

    HA! I can totally relate. I talk to myself ALL. THE. TIME.

    But then again, I also talk to inanimate objects all the time too, much to the amusement of my co-workers.

  11. Rebecca
    December 16, 2010 | 12:37 am

    Bwwaahahahah. I do the same thing. I talk to myself all the time!

    My husband and kids have learned to just ignore me.

  12. DB
    December 16, 2010 | 12:43 am

    My mom talks to herself too. Especially in the car. She also makes up songs about everything around her and then sits there giggling.

    It could be worse. She's also a college sex ed teacher, so whenever my friends get in the car, there are condoms all over the back seat.

  13. Baby Sister
    December 16, 2010 | 12:51 am

    Hahaha. I talk to myself ALL the time…especially when I'm driving. I even tell myself to shut up on occasion. :)

  14. Belle
    December 16, 2010 | 12:57 am

    You are the funniest person, you should do stand-up. Your son piping up was priceless.

  15. Julianna
    December 16, 2010 | 12:57 am

    HA! I talk to myself all the time… which just fuels the mail people crazy reputation even further…

  16. blueviolet
    December 16, 2010 | 12:59 am

    I feel like talking to yourself when behind the wheel is perfectly acceptable!

  17. SherilinR
    December 16, 2010 | 1:17 am

    i admire a woman who can simultaneously check herself out in the mirror & tell the man in the car beside her that she shit her pants yesterday.

  18. Vanessa
    December 16, 2010 | 1:19 am

    It is not uncommon for me to giggle or chuckle to myself while reading your posts…however tonight I was literally laughing out loud! Love this post! My favorite so far! :)

  19. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 16, 2010 | 1:26 am

    That was a very lively conversation. Livelier than many conversations that involve two people. ;) I love reading your randomness. It makes me smile to know others share my love of the random post. P.S. Yes. I could totally use that box sometimes! Ha!

  20. Bouncin' Barb
    December 16, 2010 | 1:34 am

    Woman you crack me up. I admit doing some of those same things. I just won't tell you which ones. hehe.

  21. Texan Zombie Goddess
    December 16, 2010 | 1:39 am

    I talk to myself all the time. There are times in the car I catch myself doing and wonder if some other innocent person has looked over and seen me having an argument with myself. All four of me can have quite a good time on long trips ;) !


  22. Patti
    December 16, 2010 | 1:46 am

    Love it. Your thought processes are exactly the same as mine, but I only voice them occasionally, unlike my friend Susan who will say “post-coital drip” just for a reaction.

    It's important having people like you and Susan on this planet because you make me look like a really together person (except for the rat's nests in my hair that I'm too lazy to comb out).

  23. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    December 16, 2010 | 1:46 am

    Hahaha, you're one of those embarassing parents! I hope you said it anyway when his friend got in the car, just for fun. I would have said shits and giggles but it sounds like you've had enough shits!

  24. Patti
    December 16, 2010 | 1:48 am

    I might turn my comment into a blog post. Consider that material copyrighted (or is it copywritten?) information. I'm tired. I think I'm catching what you had.

  25. JUST ME
    December 16, 2010 | 2:07 am

    I talk to myself when I'm driving ALL. THE. TIME. It usually sounds like this:

    “What?! A Biker?! Where the fuck did that kid on a bike come from? It's pitch black. It's 5:30. I've been working all day. I fucking hate bikers. Goddamn bikers…thanks for helping me almost kill you!”

    …Give or take a few words.

  26. Marlene
    December 16, 2010 | 2:19 am

    I thought our sole purpose on this earth was to embarrass the hell out of our kids. Oh dear. Isn't it?

  27. Melissa
    December 16, 2010 | 2:56 am

    And that sums it all up to about how my conversations go with myself…minus the crapping my pants thing.

  28. Jen Has A Pen
    December 16, 2010 | 3:06 am

    I can totally relate. No shame. :-)

  29. Nicole
    December 16, 2010 | 3:13 am

    Now I know exactly what to do when my kids get older and choose friends and dates I'm not fond of: tell them I crap my pants.

  30. jules
    December 16, 2010 | 4:08 am

    Ok, I was cracking up at the fact that I have been unemployed for the last month and now I talk to myself ALL THE TIME, and sing songs too. But then I got to the point where Wyatt calls you out and I just died laughing!

  31. Heather
    December 16, 2010 | 4:10 am

    Stupid me. I assumed you were alone while you were talking to yourself.

  32. The Phoenix Rising
    December 16, 2010 | 4:13 am

    as long as you dont argue with yourself and lose the argument you'll be fine.

  33. Portia
    December 16, 2010 | 4:15 am

    I always say that if I want intelligent conversation I talk to myself. :)

  34. Kristina P.
    December 16, 2010 | 4:43 am

    Your kids set so many high expectations!

  35. Yvonne
    December 16, 2010 | 4:47 am

    LMAO! Oh Sandra this is hilarious! I talk to myself all the time! I was doing it earlier this evening while Christmas shopping at Target and caught this lady staring at me like I was crazy! bahahahahaha!

  36. anSeL
    December 16, 2010 | 5:39 am

    sandra, you're back! and alive and kicking!
    i talk to myself also esp. when i'm pissed at work. and i say words they don't understand like bad words in my language. bad girl!

  37. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 16, 2010 | 6:55 am


    Yeah I wouldn't mention crapping pants to a hip 14 year old's friend. That would immediately not make you a cool mom.

  38. Jessica
    December 16, 2010 | 11:34 am

    After 5 days of no showering and pants popping you are allowed to say anything you want!

    My eight year old has heard me talking to other drivers a bit to often too.

  39. hoody hoo
    December 16, 2010 | 11:58 am

    I talk to myself ALL. THE. TIME. I was in the Walmart the other day and I walked past a poster of that singer Ke$ha, and I said to myself (out loud, in my normal speaking voice) “My, she's an unattractive woman.” That's when the real, live (and unfortunately, unattractive)woman a few steps ahead of me turns around and gives me the Death Glare. Which DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK PRETTIER, MA'AM!

  40. ryoko861
    December 16, 2010 | 12:32 pm

    Nothing beats a good road rage session. I love talking to other drivers about their lousy driving habits. I'm perfect, right?

  41. MissEmy
    December 16, 2010 | 12:52 pm

    LOL – Love it!! haha :D Conversations about stupid drivers are the best to have with yourself! I'm definitely guilty of that one ;) :D

  42. Mo 'Betta
    December 16, 2010 | 1:13 pm

    Glad you're feeling better!

  43. Jane
    December 16, 2010 | 1:41 pm

    Too funny! Glad you are feeling better,


  44. MacDougal Street Baby
    December 16, 2010 | 1:48 pm

    Ah. The old “behind the couch taking a crap” scenario. Yes, yes. A familiar place in our home. Being the laundress of the family is truly a shitty job.

  45. Colleen
    December 16, 2010 | 2:40 pm

    I think I peed my pants laughing at your, “You wouldn't be looking…if you knew I pooped my pants yesterday” comment!

  46. KittyCat
    December 16, 2010 | 2:40 pm

    Too funny. I talk to myself alot in the car, well mostly to other jackass drivers.

    never when someone else is in the car with me.

    : )

  47. Brandy Rose
    December 16, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    Its ok to talk to yourself, even answer yourself as long as after you don't say “huh?”

  48. Terri
    December 16, 2010 | 3:45 pm

    Hahahaha – great post! Don't we exist to embarrass our kids??? I totally think we do! Although, I have to admit that I don't usually share it if I crap my pants… hypothetically, I mean! :)

    I have a giveaway on my blog – a $35 CSN code. If anyone could use it, please stop by and enter. You don't even have to follow my blog to enter, if you don't want to – just tell me what you'd buy if money were no object and you get an entry.

  49. Jill
    December 16, 2010 | 3:47 pm

    I love that Wyatt was in the car.

    I talk to myself all the time. But mostly in my mind.

  50. TechnoBabe
    December 16, 2010 | 4:07 pm

    Dang, this is hilarious. So glad to hear about other people who talk to themselves. We all do it, some only in their head and those brave ones who say it out loud.

  51. Meri
    December 16, 2010 | 4:54 pm

    I can relate to your family… my boyfriend talks not only to himself, but to work (when he's at home) so I have to try to discern which of the imaginary respondants he is talking to…

  52. HulaBuns
    December 16, 2010 | 5:16 pm

    BAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG I do this all the time. Absolutely hilarious.

  53. Ameena
    December 16, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    I do this all the time unfortunately! I just hope to God that one day Maya doesn't tell me not to talk about crapping in my pants. LOL

    Your kids must think you are SO MUCH FUN!

  54. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 16, 2010 | 7:58 pm

    Aw, thanks for this morning's good chuckle.

  55. Noelle
    December 16, 2010 | 8:17 pm

    First, if I ever got 53 comments I would probably poop my pants too…

    Second…I'm glad you are finally feeling better.

    Third…you're kids are someday going to realize that they had the coolest mom in the world!

  56. Missy
    December 16, 2010 | 9:38 pm

    LOL! We have been frozen in and my kids are refusing to bathe because they have not been out…

  57. Mrs. Tuna
    December 17, 2010 | 12:41 am

    Glad that you were having a good hair day, must have gotten the puke out of it.

    I sadly am known to sing along with music, which doesn't sound bad until you realize I'm in the office, wearing a headset and only know half the words and fake the other half.

  58. I talk to myself because I'm the only person that agrees with me!!!

  59. gayle
    December 17, 2010 | 2:17 am

    This is so funny! I talk to myself too but not as much as you do:)

  60. Deborah
    December 17, 2010 | 12:00 pm

    Aaaaah, I am gasping for air here. So good.

  61. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    December 17, 2010 | 1:27 pm

    This had me LMAO! I talk to myself and other drivers all the time.
    Hilarious post!

  62. Miss Vicki
    December 18, 2010 | 10:58 am

    That was soooo funny :) Straight out awesomeness :) Thanks for the laugh :)

  63. Myya
    December 19, 2010 | 8:59 pm

    You are a loon. I love it! One day your kids will too… or maybe your grandkids :)

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