I’m going to change the name of this blog to “All Things Crappy!”

So, as mentioned in my last post, I have been sick since Wednesday.
This means I have spent a lot of time on the couch watching tv with the kids.

The other night, we were still working on season one of the Glee dvds, when Terran, my seven year old, gets up, and goes to stand behind one of the couches.
At first I don’t really pay attention.
But when he doesn’t come back to sit with me, I ask, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “Nothing. I just want to watch tv from back here.”
I stare at him for a couple of seconds, then say, “Do you know, when you were a baby, you used to hide behind the couch to fill your diapers.”
Then I go back to watching Glee.

I don’t notice Terran leave the living room, but from the bathroom he calls out, “Can I take a bath?”
“Sure,” I say.

A few minutes later, my husband, Wayne, comes to get me. “Have you had diarrhea with this flu?” he asks.
“No,” I say, “That’s about the only thing I haven’t had.”
“Well, Terran just pooped in his pants. Not a lot, but he’s cleaning up right now.”

I check on Terran while he’s in the bath, and say, “Terran, if you had to poop, why did you just stay behind the couch? Wouldn’t it have been better if you had gone to the bathroom?”
He replies, “I didn’t think I could make it. My stomach was grumbling.”

Ok. Whatever. It’s not like this is a recurring event.
Although me making that little crack about him standing behind the couch to fill his diaper when he was a baby only served to provide my wise-ass 14 year old with an entire repertoire of bad jokes.

When Terran returned to watch Glee with us, the 14 year old promptly asked him, “Terran, how many bathrooms do we have in this house?”
Terran answered, “Four,” and began naming them off.
The teenager replies, “You forgot the fifth one: behind the couch!” Then cue to the peels of his hysterical laughter, as he pats himself on the back for his genius.
Loser.

A few days later, still fighting a losing battle with the flu, I’m in the living room attempting to feel human by vacuuming. I figure a little housework is sure to frighten the virus away.
So I’m doing my thing when suddenly, my stomach starts churning and grumbling, and I’m like, “Oh shit.”
I look around me, estimating which bathroom is closest.
The teenager is in the living room, and says, “What’s wrong?”
I reply, “I don’t feel very good. I think I’ve caught Terran’s diarrhea.”

Clenching as hard as I can, I dash up the stairs, fly through the hallway, whip into the bathroom, drop my drawers, but…I’m too late.
The accident wasn’t of monumental proportions, but shit is shit.

The walk of shame to the laundry room, one hand clutching that pile of humiliation, is a long, cold road filled with spectators, some mean WAYNE, calling out from the sidelines, “It’s better to be thinkin’, than stinkin’!” and others, more forgiving and innocent about the fall from grace, telling me, “Did you poop your pants too Mom? It’s not a big deal. Were you scared a nugget would roll out from your pants onto the floor too?”

And then there’s the teenager.
The teenager who has taken your shit for 14 years. Listened to your unwanted advice. Done what he was told even though he thought it was unnecessary to his mental and physical development.
The teenager who has been waiting for this exact moment his entire adolescent existence.
The teenager says, “So I hear you crapped your pants? If you didn’t think you could make it to the toilet, you should have just gone there…” and points behind the couch.
Loser.

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90 Responses to I’m going to change the name of this blog to “All Things Crappy!”
  1. Samantha Dugan
    December 13, 2010 | 8:57 pm

    Oh shit…I am in tears. Hilarious.

  2. Oilfield Trash
    December 13, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    I am glad to know that I am not the only person who has had that shit happen to them.

  3. Theres just life
    December 13, 2010 | 9:01 pm

    Been there, done that. At least I didn't have a teenager watching. But I did have a brother just as bad.
    Hope you are feeling better soon.

  4. Sarah Elizabeth
    December 13, 2010 | 9:02 pm

    You don't have a bathroom on your first floor? Or whatever floor you were on? That one might've been an easier reach than up the stairs. Everybody knows going up stairs makes you poop.

  5. HulaBuns
    December 13, 2010 | 9:06 pm

    O.M.G! This sounds terrible (but funny, none the less). I think I'm going on my 2nd round with this flu…nausea – can hardly keep anything down. Blerf.

    Anyways, thanks for the laugh! :D

  6. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 13, 2010 | 9:07 pm

    OH NO! I hope you feel better soon!

    WHat a smart aleck!! I would have made the 14 year old do the laundry! Heh!

    LMAO

  7. Missy
    December 13, 2010 | 9:13 pm

    This flu you have, would put the final nail in my coffin!
    God Bless!

  8. Jessica
    December 13, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    Dude, I ain't gonna lie, I've totally crapped my pants when I was sick. Stupid flu.

  9. Ro
    December 13, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    So— how about I broke out laughing at my desk and everyone thought something was wrong with me! hahahah.. OMG OMG!!!!!

    You poor woman.

    but Im so glad I found this blog!

    OMG

    whooo

    tweeting this.

    Ro

  10. Just Sayin...
    December 13, 2010 | 9:23 pm

    hahahahahahah big breath ahahahahahaha

    Hope you feel better soon.

  11. Big Fat Gini
    December 13, 2010 | 9:37 pm

    Ha! Oh yes, this is most definitely in my future. Mr. BFG would be all over the poo jokes like white on rice (believe it or not, this is the second time I've used that term today).

    Hilarious! Our boys always had a “spot” to do the deed too…

  12. Kristina P.
    December 13, 2010 | 9:37 pm

    I snorted at the 5th bathroom comment.

  13. JUST ME
    December 13, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    Wow. Diarrhea is no joke. Neither is the flu. I'm pumping myself up with hippie holistic flu preventers because OH MY GOD do I hate getting sick and having diarrhea.

    Or how about both at once? Yeah, that happened. It. Was. DEATH.

    Hope you're feeling better mama!

  14. Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys
    December 13, 2010 | 9:48 pm

    Your teenage son is something else
    LOL.
    I hope you feel better.

  15. Actuary Mom
    December 13, 2010 | 10:03 pm

    What a hysterical story! Thanks for sharing :)

  16. Holly Ruggiero
    December 13, 2010 | 10:07 pm

    Ah, the joy of teenagers. It’s a wonder they make it to adulthood. ;)

  17. Steph
    December 13, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    Holy hell! That was hilarious.

  18. CkretsGalore
    December 13, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    Well…now you a bigger woman than I. Honestly I don't think I could share that info with the intertubes!!

    ahaha
    Awesome though.

  19. Kristen
    December 13, 2010 | 10:24 pm

    oh my gosh I could NOT quit laughing through this post! Hope you're feeling better!

  20. bruce
    December 13, 2010 | 10:40 pm

    teenagers are retribution for our youth…

    only one TA left in our house…

    however if you ask my wife…

    she will say two…

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    And
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    and
    The guy book
    the guy book

  21. Gotta love teenagers :-)

  22. 00dozo
    December 13, 2010 | 10:54 pm

    When you said Terran was sequestered, as it were, to the back of the couch to 'fill his diapers' when he was younger, my first thought that he was getting payback by pissing on the backside of the couch while you were watching Glee! Heh, heh.

    Having the 'runs' myself lately, I appreciate the mad dash to the nearest facility to avoid that walk of shame. It really sucks.

    Hope y'all feel better soon!
    ;-)

  23. Diane
    December 13, 2010 | 11:01 pm

    OMG! What are ya gonna do? Shit happens sometimes! Sorry, I couldn't resist that one.

    And my oldest son used to do the exact same thing. I knew when I saw him standing behind something really still, he was filling the diaper.

  24. Jill
    December 13, 2010 | 11:14 pm

    As I may have mentioned in my last comment, I had a stomach flu last week and was all kinds of sick. I didn't stray more then 50 feet from the bathroom for obvious reasons. The WORST. I also suffer from ulcerative colitis and could fill an entire blog with hilarious poop stories. I chose Glamamom instead and hardly ever talk about poop. At least not my own.

    Hope you're at least feeling better. Nothing like a funny family to make light of it :)

  25. twelvedaysold
    December 13, 2010 | 11:22 pm

    OMG the 5th bathroom. Hilarious.

    My husband would be in paradise with that many bathrooms.

  26. Rebecca
    December 13, 2010 | 11:41 pm

    This story needs to be entered into for awards. You'd totally win. Cracked me up the whole time I was reading……as does everything else you write, but this one…had that special something.

  27. Terri
    December 13, 2010 | 11:46 pm

    Hahaha – I'm just getting over a virus myself, and let's just say I can relate!

  28. life in the mom lane
    December 13, 2010 | 11:50 pm

    Gotta love teen-aged boys.. he's gonna be a real piece of work in a couple of years… I should know I have one very similar! :) FEEL BETTER!

  29. Portia
    December 14, 2010 | 12:17 am

    I hate when that happens. Really, at my age things like that DO happen occasionally.

    Hope you all feel better soon!

  30. Linda in New Mexico
    December 14, 2010 | 12:25 am

    teenagers are life's little way of saying……really???? and you thought you were gonna get that one by me huh? I worked with the little critters for 20 something years……it just reminds us why some animals eat their young. Too funny……
    The Olde Bagg herself, Linda

  31. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 14, 2010 | 12:51 am

    Haha, at what kind of life do we have if we dont crap our pants at least once as an adult? They make the best stories.

  32. Saimi
    December 14, 2010 | 1:05 am

    Haha, Don't get me wrong, I'm not laughing at you…I feel sorry for you and your families lack of sympathy..Although I am laughing at your smarty pants teenager!!

    Bad, so, so bad!! HA!

  33. Matty
    December 14, 2010 | 1:12 am

    I get diarrhea several times a year, and it comes on without warning. Without any notice, all of a sudden I have an unbelievable stomach ache and I need a toilet NOW, as in RIGHT NOW! I've had a lot of close calls.

  34. Carri
    December 14, 2010 | 1:18 am

    Oh damn! We know who this smarty pants teenager got it from.
    I know someone who had diarrhea and had to take a shit so bad that he pulled over to the side of the freeway and shit in an In & Out take out bag.

  35. caterpillar
    December 14, 2010 | 1:32 am

    ROFL…hilarious….ooops…am I in trouble???

  36. Lin
    December 14, 2010 | 1:49 am

    That's what I was thinking?? Why didn't you just go behind the couch? ;)

  37. Mrs. Tuna
    December 14, 2010 | 1:56 am

    Does the boy sh*t behind the couch?
    Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

  38. Kimberly
    December 14, 2010 | 2:10 am

    Being the receiver of said butt virus a few weeks ago, I feel your pain. Please note: farting for a week afterwards may pose a danger. Get yourself to a toilet stat.

  39. SherilinR
    December 14, 2010 | 2:14 am

    it's nice to see that i'm not the only wackjob in the blogging world who shares her crap attacks w/ the world. hell, i've got a whole category for them on my blog!
    you didn't soil your boots, did you?

  40. Alessandra
    December 14, 2010 | 2:38 am

    I'll be sure to mention this shit filled episode at my next dinner party…love this stuff!!

  41. Stephanie in Suburbia
    December 14, 2010 | 2:42 am

    Good Lord, is this the longest illness EVER? Good luck! Try to feel better.

  42. Bouncin' Barb
    December 14, 2010 | 2:46 am

    Sandra…if one were to ask said teenager where he got his sense of humor, one would wonder where he got it from! this is too freakin' funny.

  43. StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously?
    December 14, 2010 | 2:48 am

    Is it bad that I would have laughed along about the fifth bathroom? Probably.

    Hope you feel better soon.

    The walk of shame is so awful… as is sharting your pants.

  44. AmyLK
    December 14, 2010 | 2:49 am

    Aaaaaah the walk a shit, I mean shame. Lol

  45. Mama K
    December 14, 2010 | 2:54 am

    Wow. You are seriously a great writer! I hope that you start feeling better soon…I just puked a ton…it came on all of a sudden. No fun at all…

  46. jules
    December 14, 2010 | 3:09 am

    Oh wow! Thank goodness you were at home! What a scary virus you have. I can't believe it came on that quickly!

  47. ella
    December 14, 2010 | 3:12 am

    I have to agree: this is so funny. And the 14 yr. old in me is high-fiving your teenager. Excellent!

  48. Ami
    December 14, 2010 | 3:18 am

    I had post-surgery sharts.
    Not that I'd ever admit it.

    The big surprise, at least to me, is that any of your kids are smartasses!

    How the hell did that happen?

  49. Ashley
    December 14, 2010 | 3:31 am

    LMAO. Sanda, you always have me rollin.

    And I wanted to know that you made my new post! I love your blog and always look forward to reading more. :)

    <3 Ash

  50. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 14, 2010 | 4:23 am

    No. No. No. That was awful. Yet I laugh. Sorry for your shitty day, and may tomorrow be diarrhea free. :)

  51. Bridget
    December 14, 2010 | 4:52 am

    Teenagers…I keep saying I'm going to ship mine off in a cardboard box to Siberia with a note to return him when he figures out he doesn't know everything. Dang, I haven't done it. Yet.

    Hope you're feeling better soon!!

  52. Renee
    December 14, 2010 | 4:57 am

    There must be some thing about the couch. I have a cousin who used to do that when he was little too.

  53. Meri
    December 14, 2010 | 4:58 am

    I'm glad you're feeling at least a bit yourself, as you haven't lost your sense of humor!
    Get well soon!

  54. anSeL
    December 14, 2010 | 5:35 am

    sandra, hope you're feeling better now.

  55. ms. caboo
    December 14, 2010 | 5:35 am

    Oh Sandra, what a pooper! I've been very lucky so far…I think if I had an accident like that in front of my boyfriend, he would never let me forget it. Luckily, my house is very small, so chances of not making it to the bathroom are slim.

    But, we have women who suddenly get the shits visit our bathroom at the bookstore all the time! And especially five minutes after we open and the bathroom is nice and sparkly clean. They go in, explode, and leave a stinky mess. Eww!

    Hope you feel better soon. It sucks to have the flu that long.

  56. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 14, 2010 | 5:47 am

    I like the way your teen's mind works. Maybe he could start a blog!

    Hope you feel better!

  57. Betty Lou
    December 14, 2010 | 6:44 am

    Ugh. I had a flu like that last year. The only good thing about it was that the whole house got the same flu, and everyone had the same shitty problem. We were all humiliated together.

  58. Holly Diane
    December 14, 2010 | 11:23 am

    Cracking up over here! I don't have kids but this is the kind of stuff I'd do/say to my parents back in the day..

    Thanks for the laugh, sorry you sick thou!

  59. Deborah
    December 14, 2010 | 1:40 pm

    Your teenager is killing me! OMG serious fun. Nice we can laugh about sheeeeite!

    I am also sending out vibes so whatever it is you guys have it will never head this away.

    Get better you guys!

  60. Debra She Who Seeks
    December 14, 2010 | 2:31 pm

    Hi Sandra — Thanks for popping by my blog today! Hey, I used to live in Winnipeg too! 22 years I spent there. I still miss it!

  61. KittyCat
    December 14, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    I sooo wanted to be # 65 to leave a comment. 5 is my lucky number.
    Anyways I sure hope you guys get over the funk soon. before christmas gets here.

    So far just a cold has hit my family. crossing my fingers and knocking on wood, oh yeah and praying that we dont get the crud.

  62. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    December 14, 2010 | 3:15 pm

    Oh wow, that is a sad, very funny story! And I'd like to say I have no idea what you're talking about, but I very much DO!!! Hope you're feeling better!

  63. Monkey Man
    December 14, 2010 | 3:38 pm

    Behind the couch. Hysterical. Our daughter used to go underneath the dining room table to squat and fill her diapers. I actually thought we were going to have to potty train her under there. Kids!

  64. Fizzgig
    December 14, 2010 | 6:16 pm

    now this is some funny stuff. ut all the more reason i cant have kids. I wouldnt have laughed if it was my kid.

  65. KLZ
    December 14, 2010 | 6:57 pm

    Why, why, WHY do 14 year olds think they're funny?

  66. Diane
    December 14, 2010 | 7:20 pm

    I know I shouldn't be laughing at your accident, but I need that laugh. Thanks!

  67. Colleen
    December 14, 2010 | 8:25 pm

    Holy crap!
    I'm dying laughing here. Shit is a common topic of conversation around these parts as crappy stomachs run in my family.
    This post made my day. Hope your feeling better!

  68. JPO
    December 14, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    Haha.

    My husband had what you have a few weeks ago and he had “an accident” too.

    I told him, “So you're a VP of a company but you crap your pants? Somethings not right!”

  69. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    December 15, 2010 | 12:15 am

    Damn… and me without my Clorox wipes!

  70. Jessica
    December 15, 2010 | 12:30 am

    Tell the 14 year old that you'll be living with him when you're old and wearing diapers. You changed his crap and one day he will get to change yours. ;-)

  71. Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist)
    December 15, 2010 | 2:47 am

    Too funny! It's ok, I get to laugh, as I've had the same thing happen in the past. Lucky for me none of my children were there to witness it though!

  72. Gigi
    December 15, 2010 | 4:19 am

    Oh. My God.

    If I didn't have kids, I'd never believe this story was true.

    Of course, now I have no doubt.

  73. David L Macaulay
    December 15, 2010 | 5:10 am

    so funny – love the blog. This is narcissim in the best possible way.

  74. Jackie
    December 15, 2010 | 5:53 am

    I'm your newest follower! Came over from Bloggy Moms! Nice to meet you. Check out my blog at http://www.mommyinthebaking.com
    Jackie

  75. Francesca
    December 15, 2010 | 6:06 am

    hay sandra thanks for stopping by. what a hilarious story. i hope you feel better soon! your blog is great keep writing! :)

    F. (opinionslave.blogspot.com) x

  76. DW
    December 15, 2010 | 6:32 am

    Ugh! If you feel like eating, rice, bananas, applesauce and sports drinks are helpful. Gotta rehydrate, ya know. Other than that, I can only think of really juvenile, gross jokes. Sorry. Hope you all feel better soon.

  77. @ly
    December 15, 2010 | 9:13 am

    Feel better soon. This is hilarious…but probably not for you! You will soon be on the mend and putting this all BEHIND you….no pun intended! lol. Leave it to the teenager to take the opportunity to do that to his Mom…they can never wait!

  78. Krissy
    December 15, 2010 | 2:10 pm

    Kids are brats, aren't they? Sorry you aren't feeling well, and I hope you get passed it soon. My mother has trouble with her.. bowels.. but I've never seen her huddle behind the couch. You did the right thing making a run for it. :) Not that you needed my seal of approval.

  79. meleah rebeccah
    December 15, 2010 | 5:38 pm

    Oh SHIT! That was FUNNY! Ive had a similar experience! Sometimes, no matter how many bathrooms you have, you just aren't going to make it in time!

  80. Esther
    December 15, 2010 | 7:14 pm

    thanks for dropping by sweet. love your blog too! im following! YAY! wanna do the same? XXXX ♥

    http://theglamorousmess.blogspot.com/

  81. The Random Blogette
    December 15, 2010 | 8:47 pm

    I feel your pain. I shit my pants twice. Once in high school, I know mortifying. I had the flu and my mom was picking me up. I thought I had to fart but oh that wasn't a fart. It was a freaking shart. I was so embarrassed that I had to cover my ass with my coat.

    Then I did it again a few years ago. I was at a party and I ate way too much dairy. The hubs and I were in the car on the way home and I kept screaming to him that I needed to get home NOW. I shit my pants right there. IN THE CAR. He didn't realize it and I went home and quickly changed my pants.

  82. Kelley
    December 15, 2010 | 9:04 pm

    This was hilarious! I love how you just said “loser”. That part made me giggle. Well, all of it did. Sorry you've had such shitty days.

  83. Pragmatic Spector
    December 15, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    Wow what a coincidence! I was driving home today when I got a sudden bout of diarrhea. I didn't even park the car properly. I left it slanted on the side of the road, dashed like the road runner to the front door, screamed my lungs out looking for the house keys, and then ran to the bathroom and made it safe. I spent my time on the throne reading this post. Hahahahahaha. I'm sorry you didn't make it.

  84. Krissy
    December 15, 2010 | 9:42 pm

    @Random Blogette.. LMAO @ freaking shart! Girl, do you have a blog, because you should with stories like that.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

  85. Ginger
    December 15, 2010 | 9:58 pm

    Hahaha. This was absolutely hilarious! How do you get to be so droll about shitting in your pants? No wonder sonny boy had to burst that balloon. Atta boy :-D

    hope you're better now..

  86. Lily Johnson
    December 15, 2010 | 10:56 pm

    Oh dear! I am trying not to laugh. I am so sorry about your shit situation. You are so funny!

  87. Toliver Edge
    December 16, 2010 | 2:56 am

    LOL I loved it.

    I bet your kid was feeling on top of the world that whole week for that burn. Good for them, lol.

    Sucks for you though, seriously lame.

  88. Myya
    December 16, 2010 | 7:31 am

    I am so sorry but I am laughing my ass off at you! I feel bad, but seriously that was hilarious! Wanna feel better… My sister lives in Miami. She got the grumbly tummy. She was in major traffic & couldn't do a thing about it. So… she shit her pants in her brand new BMW. ha ha ha! I laugh because #1 it is funny. #2 It wasn't me & #3 I couldn't ever afford a BMW. LOL

  89. twilightgazing
    December 16, 2010 | 10:25 pm

    It was the innocent comment about the nugget that got me :)

  90. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 19, 2010 | 1:43 am

    Oh man, you were really sick! You poor thing! And to have these children (Wayne included) belittling you. You put them in their place, woman!

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