I feel so betrayed!

I am sick.
I’m running a fever.
My throat is so sore that the carbonation in my Diet Coke is burning holes in my esophagus.
My head is pounding.
My body is throbbing.
Even my ass is sore. No, don’t be gross, I don’t mean it that way; fortunately, so far no diarrhea and vomiting. I just mean my actual glutteal muscles are aching.

I am sick.

I know, right!
How can my body do this to me?
You mothers out there totally get where I’m coming from.
We never get sick. It’s sort of like a signing bonus when you have kids: you may never sleep again but you will not get sick.
But here I am sniffling and snotting, and hacking up hair balls, and I’m pissed  off.

But I’m too weak to really exhibit any great show of emotion.
I can only lie in my bed, lifting my head every once in awhile to see what time it is.
I don’t know why I keep looking at the time. It’s not like this flu bug has a shelf life and at exactly 4:42pm, December 11, 2010, it’s going to be on its merry fucken way.

The worst part is that two of my kids have the same thing that I do.

image from here

So in the middle of the night, while I’m shivering under the covers even though I’m wearing full fleece pjs, an oversized bathrobe, and slippers, my kids are coming by, assembly-line style.
One has a sore stomach.
The other has a headache.
And one, who isn’t even sick, stops by to inform me that, “I just pooed, and I’m telling you so you don’t wonder why the toilet flushed in the middle of the night.”
Good. Great. Thanks for that.

My one kid is so high maintenance when he’s sick, he keeps coming into my room, and insists that I listen to his lungs with my stethoscope.
Then he curls up next to me, and wants to talk.
Talk? What are we: in the early stages of a budding romance?
I don’t want to talk. I’m trying to figure out if I have the strength to get my mittens from the front hall closet.

Instead though, my weakness keeps me captive to this: “Mom, if I died, what would you do?”
I answer, “Rent out your room.”
Well come on, I can barely keep my eyes open, I can’t also be expected to be sensitive.

He continues though: “Rent out my room? Right away?”
I answer, “Yup.”
“Why though?”
I answer, “Because there are a lot of Asian students at the university that are looking for a place to live off-campus.”

Mercifully, there are a few moments of silence, but the last one was broken with this question, “Mom, how does a fart happen?”
From the depths of my pillow, I answer, “I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know? You’re a nurse!”
“I’m a shitty nurse.”
“So you don’t know?”
I reply, “No.”

You’re probably wondering how I’m finding the strength to blog while in this state of complete helplessness.
Let’s just say, Tylenol Extra Strength is a wonderful thing.

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83 Responses to I feel so betrayed!
  1. Cinderita
    December 10, 2010 | 8:38 pm

    I love love LOVE it! Asian students? LOL LOL! Well even with the flu you're funny as hell!
    Uhm.

    Sorry. Should I not be laughing?

  2. InnerFatGirl (Taryn)
    December 10, 2010 | 8:45 pm

    Have you considered maybe time-sharing the kid's room when he is at school or even just watching TV in the family room? Just a thought.

    Feel better!

  3. Jessica
    December 10, 2010 | 8:53 pm

    Sickness sucks! I hope you're recovered before the weekend is over!

  4. onemixedbag.com
    December 10, 2010 | 9:08 pm

    I love it, “I'll rent out your room” *howling* I hope you feel better soon.

  5. Ro
    December 10, 2010 | 9:10 pm

    HAHAHAH Asian Students.. this is even funnier to me because its my reality HAHA- I always have Asian Students searching our bulletin boards! ahahaha

    I hope you feel better soon.

    and am glad this doesnt affect your humor.

    Ro

  6. HulaBuns
    December 10, 2010 | 9:13 pm

    Oh man, this sounds like me a couple of days ago. I couldn't even get out of bed. I hope you feel better soon. While I don't have kids yet, my husband can be just as fun sometimes. ;)

    LOL to the renting the room out, btw.

  7. Nicole
    December 10, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    Momma, I am routing for you to return to functionality! We all got sick here a few weeks ago (four little pukers and me trying to crawl through the house to collect pukey laundry). It's HELL.

    On the up side, you're a riot when riddled with an evil bug.

  8. Bouncin' Barb
    December 10, 2010 | 9:17 pm

    Oh Sandra that just sucks! Sorry you're so sick. Wouldn't you just like to sleep straight through without being woken up? Gotta love being a mom. Grandma's have to do it to. Give the kids benadryl so they'll pass out and sleep!!!just kidding. omg I really am kidding people. One needs humor to get through these horrible times.

  9. The Vegetable Assassin
    December 10, 2010 | 9:36 pm

    Well that is just unacceptable. Someone needs to pay out insurance for things like this. Pffft! Everyone knows that Fridays are for not working, drinking coffee and eating slabs of cake left over from the other day. Not for being sick. That is just bullsh*t.

    Your body is being an asshole. Tell it to stop it.

  10. Average Girl
    December 10, 2010 | 9:47 pm

    I am so sorry that you are sick, and I am more sorry that I giggled all the way thru! Wow, I hope you and your sore ass get's better soon! PS, next time your kidlet asks where farts come from, just tell him that his bowels have a cold and they are hacking up their own version of a hairball! :)

    OMG!!! here is the ironic part, the word verification for me to post this comment is “GERM”… how ironic!

    Cheers
    Tracy

  11. Kristina P.
    December 10, 2010 | 9:50 pm

    We had exchange students when I was growing up. I would recommend a student from Saudi Arabia. He really liked to smoke hookahs in his room.

  12. -stephanie-
    December 10, 2010 | 9:51 pm

    This was me last Saturday and Sunday. Now my two kids and I are all sick with sore throats. Not fun! Get better soon.

  13. Rebecca
    December 10, 2010 | 9:51 pm

    I love the whole “I just pooped and i wanted to tell you…” That cracks me up because my daughter would do that!

  14. Monkey Man
    December 10, 2010 | 9:52 pm

    So sorry you aren't feeling well, but was really hoping for a beter answer to where farts come from. I was also expecting you to have made a statement in your blog about how “honey” comes home after work and wants to get lucky even though you feel like shit. I mean, that's the way we men are!!

  15. CkretsGalore
    December 10, 2010 | 9:57 pm

    Well I'm glad you can still keep us laughing even though you're on death's door.

    And yeah…renting out the room comment – A++

  16. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 10, 2010 | 10:09 pm

    Get well soon momma! I know what it's like to be sick as a dog and everyone keep bugging you. Happened with my last big cold in high school. Happened right when my section was about to go on deadline and a Christmas concert.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  17. kittycat
    December 10, 2010 | 10:14 pm

    Well that sucks.

    And on the weekend, that really sucks ass.
    Hope you feel better soon, un medicated. : )

  18. ChiTown Girl
    December 10, 2010 | 10:23 pm

    Are you sure that wasn't Tylenol with Codeine? ;-) You are such a riot!

  19. Cindy
    December 10, 2010 | 10:31 pm

    jeez, you're sick and still funny.

    that's a sign you know.

    it's a gift.

    be well!

  20. Bridget
    December 10, 2010 | 10:37 pm

    You had me giggling, even while you're sick. Hope you feel better soon!

  21. Baby Sister
    December 10, 2010 | 10:43 pm

    Too funny!! I hope you get feeling better!!

  22. Kristin
    December 10, 2010 | 10:48 pm

    I'm sick, too. Covered my shift at work tonight, moved the laptop to my bed, snuggling in for a night of DVR and interwebs sick. And my a-hole kids are downstairs fighting. I'll be pissed if they kill each other.

  23. Dutch Sugar Babe
    December 10, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    Being sicks sucks.
    Hope you and your kids get over the sickies soon.

  24. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 10, 2010 | 11:15 pm

    I hope you feel better soon!! Your blog is still hilarious even when you are at death's door!

    I love your sense of humor! Especially the bit where your kid wanted to cuddle up and talk! HA! LMAO

  25. Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys
    December 10, 2010 | 11:31 pm

    Hope you get over the nasty stuff soon.

  26. Missy
    December 10, 2010 | 11:49 pm

    Hope you are feeling well soon!

  27. Jane
    December 11, 2010 | 12:03 am

    This is really funny, but in all seriousness, feel better soon!

    Jane

  28. Gigi
    December 11, 2010 | 12:22 am

    Ugghh! The flu sucks! Having the flu while also having children in the home? Sucks even more!

    Feel better soon!

  29. Marlene
    December 11, 2010 | 12:27 am

    Get well soon! At least you haven't lost your great sense of humor!

  30. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 11, 2010 | 12:30 am

    I answer, “Rent out your room.”

    Rimshot!

    I didn't know you were a nurse. Cool.

  31. Saimi
    December 11, 2010 | 12:41 am

    Don't rent to spoiled boys from Spain, they are a major pain to deal with!

    Been there done that!!

  32. Melissa
    December 11, 2010 | 12:42 am

    I had no idea you were a nurse! But I agree w/ renting out the room.

  33. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 11, 2010 | 12:59 am

    Aw, so sorry! Feel better soon!

  34. Pamela
    December 11, 2010 | 1:44 am

    How can you be sick? Mom's can't afford to be sick. Love the “what are we? in the early stages of a budding romance?” line. Teehee. My son does that too, every single night. Makes me get in his bed just to “talk”. It's way harder when you're sick, though, poor thing.

  35. Alex
    December 11, 2010 | 1:58 am

    omg even when your sick your funny lmao at “i'm going to rent out your room” and “how do farts happen” lmao!!!!

  36. karensomethingorother
    December 11, 2010 | 2:15 am

    totally empathetic here. I had the flu several weeks ago and I'm still hacking up lung presents. I get all the crap my kids get, it seems, while my husband gets none of it. “I wouldn't get the flu shot,” he said, “I'd rather rely on MY OWN BODY to fight these things off.” Great, especially since he hasn't had the flu in years.

    Hope you feel better, and stop drinking diet pop poison!

  37. Krebster
    December 11, 2010 | 2:29 am

    I'm so sorry you're sick. More so though, I'm sorry you're not the only one sick so that you can wallow in your own misery. Sending my thoughts your way.

  38. becca
    December 11, 2010 | 2:38 am

    well hun even sick you are funny and i love that boys even when sick can manage to sqeeze the word fart into a conversation how is that.

  39. Vic
    December 11, 2010 | 3:03 am

    Hahaha…so sorry to laugh at your illness but your so funny I can't help it…now watch me catch it from ya! ughhh! i hate the feeling….It's the worse. Feel better…and yeah…since when do we mothers get sick….I can live with no sleep….but being ill should be down right nonexistent.

  40. Life 101
    December 11, 2010 | 3:30 am

    I just spewed red wine on my monitor and keyboard. I hope your happy missy!!!!

  41. Meri
    December 11, 2010 | 4:25 am

    Ugh, always when you least expect it.
    Feel better soon!
    Meri

  42. Carri
    December 11, 2010 | 4:43 am

    That was sofa king funny. Hope you feel better soon!

  43. Lily Johnson
    December 11, 2010 | 4:54 am

    I am so sorry you are ill though i tried not to laugh and failed terribly. You are one funny mama and do get well soon.

  44. bigwords is...
    December 11, 2010 | 4:58 am

    How have I not discovered your blog earlier – it is hilarious!!!

  45. anSeL
    December 11, 2010 | 5:15 am

    sandra, get well soon!
    you completed again my friday!
    sorry you're sick.
    I know the feeling, last october chicken pox visited our household including me! and I was the worst.

  46. Deb Chitwood
    December 11, 2010 | 9:17 am

    What a great blog! I love your writing – and I do hope you feel better soon! I'm your newest follower.
    http://RaisingFigureSkaters.com

  47. The Queen
    December 11, 2010 | 12:58 pm

    Not fair that someone soooo sick,, just made me giggle snort coffee into my computer..

    get better soon..

  48. Mamma has spoken
    December 11, 2010 | 1:24 pm

    See when my kids ask me questions like that, I tell them to go look it up on the internet and report back to me. Some time they do, but many times they don't because it sounds too much like school work. so when you tell them to look it up, it shuts them up, every time.

  49. Terri
    December 11, 2010 | 2:06 pm

    Ugh – me too! Feel better!

  50. Jeanie
    December 11, 2010 | 2:17 pm

    I hope you have all backed away from death's door by now. In case someone didn't make it, I'd say a female renter might work out better than a male…not sure why other than the whole toilet lid thing.

  51. Kimberly
    December 11, 2010 | 2:54 pm

    Welcome to nursing. You will encounter every germ imaginable and you will get sick very frequently. Germs don't discriminate. When I first started in the ER, I had the flu 4 times in a 6 month span.
    Get your Favourite hand sanitizer ready.

  52. Poppy
    December 11, 2010 | 5:00 pm

    Extra Strength Tylenol? You have better OTC drugs in Canada than that. Geesh. Oh, ya, feel better too.

  53. Crystal Escobar
    December 11, 2010 | 5:40 pm

    Oh that is hilarious!!! Haha, well when you figure out how a fart happens then be sure to let us know.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  54. Thisisme.
    December 11, 2010 | 5:40 pm

    Oh gosh, that sounds awful, especially with the kids being poorly as well. Do hope you all get better very soon. Looking on the positive side, I suppose better to be ill now, than Christmas week!

  55. Raven
    December 11, 2010 | 6:40 pm

    LMAO on the Asain students thing. I hope you feel better soon! I'm a mom too and I know how hard it is to be sick-especially when one of your kids is high maintenance!

  56. Jill
    December 11, 2010 | 7:31 pm

    Aww Babes, FEEL BETTER! Being sick is the WORST especially being a mom. Glad to read you haven't lose your sense of humor though ;) I had a stomach flu earlier this week and it crushed me so I totally feel your pain. Hang in there and keep poppin that Tylenol.

  57. Yvonne
    December 11, 2010 | 10:23 pm

    Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing after reading this post? So sorry you are sick, and I hope you feel better very soon! But hey, at least your sense of humor is intact! :)

  58. jess
    December 12, 2010 | 1:30 am

    i often wonder how i'll tell my kid/kids that i don't know the answer to something… it never occurred to me that i could just say “i don't know”!!! amazing!
    also? get well soon.
    xo

  59. Craig
    December 12, 2010 | 3:33 am

    This was HI-larious. Smiled the whole way through. You have a gift. I'm smiling as I write this.

    awesome – just awesome.

    thank you.

  60. Noelle
    December 12, 2010 | 4:27 am

    You always bring a smile to my face! Feel better soon!

  61. City Mom
    December 12, 2010 | 5:09 am

    Other than the fact that your sick…the rest was utterly entertaining! Get better soon!

  62. Ami
    December 12, 2010 | 7:25 am

    It sucks to be sick and try to be a mom at the same time.

    Tell your son to look up farts on Google.

    You can't be expected to answer ALL his questions…

  63. Amanda
    December 12, 2010 | 7:44 am

    Moms are absolutely not supposed to get sick, but getting sick while your kids are sick too?! That's just downright not supposed to be in the cards of motherhood…. PERIOD!

  64. Tinalicious
    December 12, 2010 | 9:27 am

    I hope you kick that germy bug's ass soon. But I do appreciate its ability to make you even funnier than usual in your post. Your posts always make me laugh, but this one sent me into a full-fledged laughing fit! So thanks germy bug! But seriously, hope you do feel better soon.

  65. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    December 12, 2010 | 3:34 pm

    I wonder if germs spread through blogs because this is the 5th post I've read about a sick mom with sick kids. I'm going through it myself. Sucks. Hope you are feeling better soon!

  66. Ruthi aka abitosunshine
    December 12, 2010 | 5:28 pm

    Terrific post under the influence of Tylenol!

  67. Ameena
    December 12, 2010 | 5:47 pm

    The only thing worse than being sick is being sick while your kids are sick and having to answer the most ridiculous questions in the world. I'm very, very sorry this is your reality right now.

    I am wish you a very speedy recovery Sandra! And then you'll have to enlighten us all on the origination of the fart.

  68. K
    December 12, 2010 | 5:50 pm

    Oh poor you! I find Lemsip and Paracetmol is the way to go.
    How much will you want for that room by the way? Will you keep me in mind ( I promise not to flush the loo in the night )

  69. Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun
    December 12, 2010 | 6:32 pm

    Hope you're feeling better. Being sick as a mom is not cool. And that little cartoon sums it up about perfectly huh?

    I do have to say the fart question is hilarious though. Where do kids come up with this stuff? LOL

  70. Fran
    December 12, 2010 | 8:38 pm

    You're a scream, even when ill, it seems. I loved the bit about renting out the kid's room to students. Cruel, cruel mother.

  71. meleah rebeccah
    December 12, 2010 | 8:53 pm

    Being sick SUCKS! But, clearly it has NOT affected your sense of humor AT ALL!

    I hope you and everyone else sick in your house get better sooner than later! Wishing everyone a speedy recovery.

  72. Jersey Diva Mom
    December 12, 2010 | 9:04 pm

    My older son is suuuuuuper drama king when sick, which is weird because he's gone thru 3 surgeries w/out a peep or tear– but a head cold and madonne a mia you'd think he's got TB. My mother of the year solution was to just let him play playstation for like 4 hours straight so as not to hear the whining. Mother of the f'in year- that's me!

  73. Shabbygal
    December 12, 2010 | 11:26 pm

    You always make me laugh! My family always looks at me like I've lost it as I sit here giggling! Hope you get better fast! Traci

  74. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    December 13, 2010 | 12:05 am

    See? There is even humor in sickness!

  75. Mrs. Tuna
    December 13, 2010 | 1:52 am

    I'm sure one of your little tykes licked your keyboard and gave you these cooties, off with their heads.

  76. Flying high in the sky....
    December 13, 2010 | 10:22 am

    hope you all get well soon…

  77. TechnoBabe
    December 13, 2010 | 2:19 pm

    Hopefully the one child who is not sick is old enough to bring you hot tea and toast in bed.

  78. Daffy
    December 13, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    I can't get Extra Strength Tylenol to do a damn thing for me…except waste my money. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe a Hot Toddy or something would help. *grin*

  79. Diane
    December 13, 2010 | 7:10 pm

    Ugh…hope you're feeling better! I had a chest cold that had me sounding like Bea Arthur last week but nothing like that. I did get the flu really bad a couple of years ago though and literally thought I was going to die. Definitely NOT fair for moms to be gettin' sick!

  80. Holly Ruggiero
    December 13, 2010 | 10:02 pm

    The days of being young and sick and still being mobile…feel better soon.

  81. Myya
    December 14, 2010 | 12:38 am

    You are right, it is supposed to be an unwritten rule that moms do not get sick! I have an awful sinus thing going on & I am so irritated & annoyed that I have it! Hope you feel better soon & hope you make sure to get LOTS of rent from that Asian student if you decide to rent :)

  82. AmyLK
    December 14, 2010 | 2:48 am

    Feel better soon! Hopefully you won't have to rent out the room anytime soon

  83. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 19, 2010 | 1:40 am

    I thought a fart was just gas from your tummy. I, of course, am just a lowly accountant, not a nurse.

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