Hormones, stress, or going bonkers?

So I thought this month I had somehow side-stepped PMS.
I did get my period – stop cringing, it’s a normal physiological function – but the week preceeding it, I was NOT a raging lunatic.
On some months, I have been known to peg my 14 year old smart-mouthed teenager in the head with a dinner roll.
I have dragged my daughter up and down the hallway by her chignon when she complained that it was lopsided.
And I have thrown my husband and his pillow out of our bedroom for annoying remarks at bedtime, such as “Wanna have sex?”

This month however, I was given a reprieve.
This month, I had somehow, gratefully escaped the lunacy and antics associated with the surge of hormones that usually reek havoc with my emotions. 
…or so I thought…

I say this because, although my seven year old wasn’t forced to duck for cover this month, in the last few days, I have been on a rollercoaster of sadness and joy.

A couple of days ago, I was at the doctor’s office with my 13 year old. He’s been sick a lot lately, so he went to have a blood test and urinalysis done.
While he’s in the bathroom squeezing out his urine sample, I’m outside the door wringing my hands with worry.

This is not like me. I don’t get worked up. I know better than to start speculating about anything.
Yet, there I am creating worse-case scenarios in my head, snivelling into a tissue, patting the stray tears from my cheeks.
I am sad. So very very sad.

Then my son comes out of the washroom.
He’s got this odd look on his face, a cross between confusion and shame.
He looks at me.
He looks at the other patients in the waiting room.
Then out loud, facing the crowd, he says, “I just peed into a cup.”
One of the patients calls back, “Thanks for sharing.”

From the depth of my gut, a rumble of laughter erupts.
As we’re walking out of the doctor’s office, I’m still wiping tears, but these are from laughter.
Weird, uncontrollable laughter.
I laughed for 20 consecutive minutes.
I had to pull off the side of the road to laugh some more.
Now I am happy. So very very happy.

I come home. It’s supper time. I’m not in the mood to cook.
I am sad.

Wayne comes home and surprises us with fried chicken and french fries from KFC.
I am happy.

But Wayne is cheap.
He bought the meal deal for four people.
There are six people in my family.
So upon placing the food on the table, he announces, “There’s two pieces of chicken for everybody.”
We all kind of look at each other.
Two pieces of chicken? And a few french fries?
It’s KFC. It’s finger-lickin’ good.
Who eats only two pieces of chicken and 8 french fries at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
So, now, we are all sad.

After supper, I sit down to watch Glee with the kids. We rented the first season on DVD.
This makes me extremely happy.
Now I’m laughing at everything in the damn show.
During one scene, there’s a pamphlet in the background that says, “Wow, there’s a hair down there!”

image from http://scorpiove.wordpress.com/2010/10/19/other_handy_pamphlets/

In my state of inexplanable euphoria, as I’m in the bathroom, I yell out to Wyatt, “Is that what you said the first time you saw a hair down there? Wow, there’s a hair down there!”
I’m laughing, and having a great time because I’m so funny, and listen to me cracking all jokes at the expense of my pubescent son.

But as I’m laughing, I lean over to flush the toilet.
My cell phone falls out of my pocket, and before it can get flushed away, I have to plunge my hand into the bowl to retrieve it.

Ok. That. Not funny.
So I’m sort of sad.

But I come back to watch some more of Glee.
During one scene, one of the characters, who is the wood shop teacher, has sawed off both his thumbs.
So buddy is sitting there with his hands all bandaged up, and Terran, the 7 year old says, “It’d be hard to play hockey without any thumbs.”

….so yes, I’m laughing again, because come on, that’s funny!
Only a little Canadian kid would relate thumblessness to hockey, or rather lack thereof.

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80 Responses to Hormones, stress, or going bonkers?
  1. Bibliomama
    December 5, 2010 | 7:23 pm

    Yeah. Been there (am there). I don't know what it is. But what the hell. Life is happy and sad and five kinds of absurd. What can you do but laugh and cry? (I'm totally going to do that dinner roll thing — sounds so satisfying).

  2. Ami
    December 5, 2010 | 7:24 pm

    I remember an occasion several years ago when I had put a new bar of soap in the shower.

    One of my kids took a shower before me. And there was a pubic hair on the bar of soap when I got into the shower.

    I was… stunned.

    They grow up. But I'm not sure what they said when they discovered hairs.

    Your post made me laugh. And cry. And want to rant. And cry.

    It's PMS week here.
    But a week from yesterday, I will turn 50. Surely this shit will stop soon?

  3. Beatnheart
    December 5, 2010 | 7:25 pm

    Hi Sandra, First off, thank you so much for becoming a follower to my blog and entering my GIVEAWAY and the kind comment you left. Lifts my spirts…second, I t oo am a boot freak…thirdly you are adorably cute! , forth…i don’t UGH’s but now I want to, so I shall share that with my husband so I too can get a pair … YOur blog is funny and you have a fun sense of humor. I’m following you and good luck on the GIVEAWAY…I HOPE YOU WIN! CYNTHIA

  4. KLZ
    December 5, 2010 | 7:33 pm

    Dude, I wish that I had caught some of your euphoria. Because I spent yesterday crying about finding out I was pregnant. Which I hadn't done.

    Let me say that again in a way that makes sense.

    I am getting my period. I spent yesterday crying because of the IDEA of finding out I'm pregnant. Which I'm not.

  5. meleah rebeccah
    December 5, 2010 | 7:39 pm

    You sound JUST LIKE ME. I can go from laughing, to crying, to screaming, and back to laughing in mere seconds. I almost wish I could have an 'elective' hysterectomy to end this vicious cycle!

  6. Monkey Man
    December 5, 2010 | 7:42 pm

    You and Mrs. MM must be related. I leave the house for days at a time during “certain times of the month” I am ALWAYS the brunt of the PMS and get tired of it. Makes me want to cut off my thumbs. Not really. But remember, as you laugh at rediculous jokes, that anyone can have PMS – Pissing Moaning and Sniveling.

  7. The Phoenix Rising
    December 5, 2010 | 7:50 pm

    PMS = Poor Man suffering because when their lady has it, he suffers. =)~ lmao

  8. A girl needs 2 Talk
    December 5, 2010 | 7:55 pm

    The hormones are a mad crazy bunch, aren't they? I'm so grossed out about your cellphone falling into the bowl. You're a brave woman. I dropped my sister's watch once. I haven't seen it since.

  9. Kara Hoag
    December 5, 2010 | 7:58 pm


    No worries. PMS is just a way to make sure that the people in your life really do love you. If they can stay through the hormone cycle and still want you in their lives then they are (mostly) worth it.

    Either that or God really is male and finds this shit funny.

    visions unto myself

  10. Fay's Too
    December 5, 2010 | 7:59 pm

    Sounds like menopause to me. :)

  11. Linda Medrano
    December 5, 2010 | 8:04 pm

    I once threw a hammer that landed in the wall next to a husband's head because of PMS. I have also gotten out of cars on the freeway because of PMS. I've sat sobbing watching telephone company ads on television because of PMS. I've gotten married and divorced as a result of PMS. (More than once.)

  12. Gigi
    December 5, 2010 | 8:08 pm

    I know the feeling. I've been on a total rollercoaster these last few months. I don't know how my family puts up with me.

  13. Fran
    December 5, 2010 | 8:13 pm

    Yes, 'hard to play hockey without thumbs' is something of an understatement. Funny post!

  14. Jason, as himself
    December 5, 2010 | 8:22 pm

    Ha! What a fantastic roller coaster ride!

    Thank God you dodged PMS this month. ;)

  15. Jeannie
    December 5, 2010 | 8:23 pm

    I never know what I'm gonna get at pms buffet and after all these years – I'm 51 – I am still always taken by surprise.

  16. SSW
    December 5, 2010 | 8:42 pm

    This is too damn funny I just wrote a blog yesterday about pms! Great minds think alike lol …Your post made me smile and laugh and want to cry! Good job!

  17. Nicole
    December 5, 2010 | 8:42 pm

    When I got married at 24, I thought I was a helluva catch and that my Hubster was an emotionally iceberg, one that needed me to thaw him. Ten years later I realize I've always been the crazy one. Embrace the crazy. I don't think we get a choice.

  18. Melissa
    December 5, 2010 | 9:02 pm

    This is what I go through on nearly a daily basis. Bipolar and hormone issues from the hysterectomy.

  19. Rebecca
    December 5, 2010 | 9:08 pm

    I hear you about the PMSing part. I'm usually quite moody (think Mommy Dearest!) and I want to eat anything I can get my hands on. One minute it's salty, the next it's sugar and the next it's chocolate and then french fries. But this month……the period started and none of that stuff happened beforehand. Except what did happen? My husband had me cut his hair and for some reason I laughed myself to tears and still chuckle about it. (My husband makes Jew's look like they are not cheap at all!….>He is very, very cheap!….BUT he has always spend money on his hair cuts. His hair is more important to him than…well, AS important to him as money)

  20. Bouncin' Barb
    December 5, 2010 | 9:14 pm

    When my PMS started hanging around 30 days a month I knew there was something that had to be done. It affected my job and homelife. So that's where Zoloft came into play and I thank God every day for it! I seriously wanted to go for the jugular every time a customer came near me at work.

  21. Oilfield Trash
    December 5, 2010 | 9:33 pm

    There is nothing wrong with touching yourself. As long as you are inside your home. Doing it on a city bus is not such a great idea.

  22. Madame DeFarge
    December 5, 2010 | 9:35 pm

    I was more worried about the hair under my arms. Most undignified.

  23. Alex
    December 5, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    LMAO!!!! that is all.

  24. StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously?
    December 5, 2010 | 10:34 pm

    Sounds like maybe some sleep deprivation mixed with… I dunno… (I'd say vodka if it was all fun, but it's not).

    I'm with Bouncin' Barb. The last while it's been all tears and little laughter hence medication medication medication.

    I hope everything turns out with your son. And, of course, you.

    Just look at all your boots and get happy again. They are finger lickin' good!

  25. Noelle
    December 5, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    What if that is me all of the time? I'm in trouble aren't i?

  26. 00dozo
    December 5, 2010 | 11:23 pm

    Just wait 'till menopause kicks in. It's just like PMS, but without the bleeding (yay!), except that it (the 'red thing') is exchanged for hot-flashes and, when that happens, you will want to make love to the nearest snow bank rather than to your hubby.

    Damn, I miss the snow.

  27. jojo
    December 5, 2010 | 11:35 pm

    wow, can we trade kids for a while, mine will be 14 in a few months daughter, of course, and the boyz are learning to copy her antics. Aren't hormones great?

  28. Heather
    December 5, 2010 | 11:55 pm

    Well I wish you more euphoria in the days to come.

    I am dealing with the same here except the babies rarely crack jokes. Unless you count walking around shouting, “Nutcracker!” to the top of your lungs. I do not.

    (It makes me sad.) (I just wrote that cuz i wanted to be like you.)

  29. Julianna
    December 6, 2010 | 12:26 am

    I loved KFC. There was a moment when I thought their grilled chicken was Gluten Free. This made me so VERY VERY happy.

    Then I found out I was wrong.

    I am still sad. And it has nothing to do with hormones.

    Seriously, I haven't had a period in like 4 months, and if this wasn't normal for me, I would be so sad right now (like ugly cry and lock me up at the prospect of another child).

  30. Krebster
    December 6, 2010 | 12:38 am

    I am probably the most unqualified person to give medical advice. However, I too have a history of riding a rollercoaster of emotions right before my period. I got so sick of it I mentioned it to my doctor who suggested Yazz for birth control. The stuff is freakin awesome because I've been much better since starting it. So anyway, there that is.

    On a lighter note, Glee is so fabulous. Very happy to meet a fellow GLeek :) .

  31. becca
    December 6, 2010 | 12:48 am

    PMS = Psychotic Mood Shift
    enough said

  32. Cheeseboy
    December 6, 2010 | 1:24 am

    I do the same thing to my wife every night. She gets really bugged.

    I am going to start announcing my cup peeing every time I do it at the doctors.

  33. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    December 6, 2010 | 1:44 am

    I'm glad I caught this because I missed this week's Glee.

  34. Semi-Slacker Mom
    December 6, 2010 | 2:07 am

    I'm like that all month long & I don't even have an uterus.

    I think my children may need a copy of “My mom's bipolar & she won't stop yelling”.

    My word is hoting!

  35. Sarahf
    December 6, 2010 | 2:19 am

    I used to get crazy PMS, but, as I live in the land of “show no emotion”, I take the pill to try to “stop the crazy”, which is how I phrased it to the doctor. Uncontrollable laughter has to be a good thing, though, right?

  36. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 6, 2010 | 3:31 am

    At least there's a lot of happy in there and some good laughs :)

  37. ella
    December 6, 2010 | 3:51 am

    Hysterical! And welcome to peri-menopause! I'm having 3 week cycles! Yippee! My mom says it lasts 15 years! Hurray!

    And I love Glee. I resisted for a while, but it's just so fucking funny.

  38. ADoC
    December 6, 2010 | 3:59 am

    Are you prego by chance? Because that would explain it!

  39. dbs
    December 6, 2010 | 4:10 am

    VERY funny. It is weird peeing in a cup.

  40. Flying high in the sky....
    December 6, 2010 | 5:03 am

    :) what a roller-coaster period!!

  41. G.~
    December 6, 2010 | 6:21 am

    Oh. My. God. You are too funny and I can spool relate as I'm sure most women can. I never used to have any kinds of swings until I hit my 30's. Then I thought my time had finally come to be a card carrying lunatic. But it just turned out to be hormones. Hmmm. Go figure. I guess I was just a late bloomer.

    Well, now that everyone knows waaaay too much information about me, I'll stop here because I could go on and on about this topic.

  42. Jill
    December 6, 2010 | 6:29 am

    That sounds like me on a good day ever since I gave birth! You need more rest, if you ask me.

  43. this free bird
    December 6, 2010 | 6:31 am

    AHAHAHAHA *tears from laughing and kind of crying* oh the swinging pendulum of the biznatch known as PMS!


  44. JoJo
    December 6, 2010 | 7:53 am

    LMAO!! I'm dying you're hysterical!

  45. MacDougal Street Baby
    December 6, 2010 | 10:51 am

    I admit, I had to look up 'chignon.' Once again, thanks for the smile so early in the morning. Now go live your life and get back here pronto to write about it. Your audience awaits.

  46. Farmers Wifey
    December 6, 2010 | 11:02 am

    I usually turn into some kind of screaming banshee the week before my period…..I laughed at your post..then felt sad, then laughed some more….

  47. Samantha Vérant
    December 6, 2010 | 12:05 pm

    I think my hormones are out of control too! Either that, or I'm having sever adjustment issues to my new life in France. At least I've found a way to watch Glee on my computer…

  48. JP
    December 6, 2010 | 12:37 pm

    By far Brittany has the best lines on Glee. Most of the time they fly past her saying something completely off the wall and you don't even notice it. Like the last episode where everyone is saying what they should do to the other teams if they win “Throw possums at them…”

  49. TheUnSoccerMom
    December 6, 2010 | 1:42 pm

    Good to know I'm not the only one w/ emotions straight from the roller coaster of the month club….

  50. Mrs. Tuna
    December 6, 2010 | 1:51 pm

    As someone who is starting to go through the “change” what happens is you start skipping your period. I've taken more stupid over the counter pregnacy tests in the last year than I've taken my ENTIRE life. How ugly would that be to have one starting preschool when the current one graduates college.

  51. anSeL
    December 6, 2010 | 2:35 pm

    Ups and downs, that's the way it is.
    sorry about your cellphone.

  52. Barbaloot
    December 6, 2010 | 3:25 pm

    Hocket wouldn't be the only thing that would be hard without thumbs!!

    Those pamphlets are horrifying. Could you imagine if they were actually still used?

  53. DCHY
    December 6, 2010 | 3:34 pm

    What a rollercoaster you're on! I could feel the ups and downs in the post.

  54. Cindy
    December 6, 2010 | 3:41 pm

    my husband walked in on me sitting on the couch, knitting, watching a christmas movie “The Grinch” …seriously..

    and i was crying.

    I blamed it on my mother but it was the Grinch.


    the effing Grinch!

    love your blog!

  55. Nicole
    December 6, 2010 | 4:24 pm

    My last PMS week coincided with my son having minor surgery. You can imagine the TEARS. The SUFFERING. THE AGONY. All mine.

  56. blueviolet
    December 6, 2010 | 6:00 pm

    When you asked your son about the pube, it cracked me up because that's EXACTLY the kind of thing I did!

  57. Myya
    December 6, 2010 | 6:51 pm

    Wow I am totally exhausted reading through your emotions, I can only imagine how you are feeling!

  58. Kristy
    December 6, 2010 | 7:07 pm

    I've been having some ups and downs lately too! I figure I may as well just buckle in and go on the ride.

  59. Meri
    December 6, 2010 | 7:12 pm

    Haha- I'm such a pile of confusion and tears when I'm pms-ing. This post had me laughing and then wanting to cry in commisseration as well. &%*$ing hormones!

    The pamphlets are hilarious too.


  60. drollgirl
    December 6, 2010 | 7:23 pm

    your daughter wears her hair in a CHIGNON?!??!! Wow!

    so many ups and downs in life, and i think so much of the downs are DOCTOR-RELATED! bleh. i had three doctor appointments last week, and those fuckers are making me come back for FIVE MORE APPOINTMENTS. just shoot me. bleh!

    ANYWHOO, i hope things will be ok! laughs always help any situation, so i hope they keep coming your way!

    p.s. in one doctor appointment i started CRYING. i am a 40 year old woman, but doctor visits bring me to tears.

  61. Kimberly
    December 6, 2010 | 7:26 pm

    Am I talking to the Sandra in euphoria or Sandra “I will kill you with this dinner roll”? I need to know before I can leave an official comment.

  62. Valerie
    December 6, 2010 | 7:44 pm

    Totally relate! I used to work in an office with all dudes. I had to explain to them, sometimes, “Yes, bitchy Val said that; happy Val will be back shortly; but don't piss her off or crazy Val will kill all of you if Zen Val doesn't get to Yoga tonight.” Much fun for them – not.

  63. Sandy
    December 6, 2010 | 7:47 pm

    You are too funny. As I sit here typing this comment I am in the throes of a major hot flash. Even the back of knees are sweaty, LOL. But I know I'll be cold in a few minutes. Your hot, your cold – it never ends…

  64. The Vegetable Assassin
    December 6, 2010 | 8:12 pm

    Stupid lady hormones! This sort of nonsense happens to me every month too. One minute I'm inconsolably upset because my boyfriend's two minutes late home from work as this means he's been in a terrible, fatal car accident and the next minute he appears and he's brought pizza and I'm full of goodwill to all men because ISN'T LIFE AWESOME? Then two minutes later again, I have more problems than anyone else on Earth and I've spilled some beer and this is so mind shatteringly awful that I can burst right into tears.

    I have yet to assault anyone with a dinner roll though I've written it down in preparation for my next bout of the crazy. :)

  65. Together We Save
    December 6, 2010 | 8:44 pm

    Gotta love KFC!! Oh and as for hormones… right now I have insomenia!! Thanks to my hormones!!

  66. jules
    December 6, 2010 | 8:56 pm

    Those are some serious ups and downs there! My suggestion…well coffee always makes me feel better, (as per the blog you commented on of mine) however, I always have bad side effects!

  67. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    December 6, 2010 | 9:19 pm

    I felt so at home while reading this. Why do women always get stuck with the crazy shit like hormones and birthing children.

  68. Marlene
    December 6, 2010 | 9:28 pm

    Ha ha ha!! You're a riot!!! I would have known you were Canadian just reading this! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment so I could stalk you back….you're a hoot!

  69. JUST ME
    December 6, 2010 | 9:38 pm

    Dude, how awesome is it that you actually get to LAUGH during PMS?

    All I do is rage. Or cry at lame commercials. At the gym. ON THE TREADMILL.

  70. Just Sayin...
    December 6, 2010 | 10:17 pm

    Oh the perilous journey's of womanhood for a week.

    This is why men think we're crazy!!! lol They would be too if all the muscles in their southern regions were contracting and trying to flush out a lining from your body!!!!

    The thmubless comment made me spit water out of my nose a little. :)

  71. Nat
    December 6, 2010 | 10:31 pm

    Hahaha! Sounds like a bad case of hormonitis: main symptom, the roller coaster of emotions that can have me crying over some stupid reality TV show one minute and wanting to punch someone, anyone for my slow internet connection….who stole my broadband, dammit!
    Thanks for your funny comments on my blog and for the follow :)

  72. FreeFlying
    December 6, 2010 | 10:48 pm

    Thanks for the visit! I wish I could write you a comment commiserating over our lady issues, but unfortunately I am always perfectly calm and rational and emotionally in control.

    I mean, except for yesterday when I tried to sleep in my car because I was so disgusted with my husband for refusing to find me a chocolate cupcake, obviously.

  73. Missy
    December 6, 2010 | 11:37 pm

    You are so going to be on Court TV!
    I plan on using the PMS defense soon!

  74. Dutch Sugar Babe
    December 7, 2010 | 12:45 am

    I don't go through an emotional rollercoaster, but I do crave chocolate. A lot.

  75. Jana
    December 7, 2010 | 1:10 am

    I never used to have these hormonal fluctuations, or if I did, I was completely oblivious to it. Now, after two kids, I am all over the place, too. It really, really sucks. I mean, come on? Why do we have to take on not only the many details of living a decent life, but also the hormones that go with it?

    In other words, I guess God's not a woman. Or wait…maybe she is.

  76. Jennifer Fabulous
    December 7, 2010 | 4:52 am

    You're hilarious! :) I really enjoyed reading this, despite the roller coaster of emotions. Lol.

  77. Copyboy
    December 7, 2010 | 5:11 am

    You went from funny pee to sad poultry in the span of a day.

  78. Deborah
    December 7, 2010 | 11:25 am

    Okay . . . wait a minute . . . copyboy made me snort coffee on my monitor (and he stole my line – not really).

    But, you had me until Glee. Really? Glee?

  79. Ginger
    December 7, 2010 | 7:13 pm

    That was a modd roller coaster ride. PMS is a bi#@%.

  80. Ro
    December 8, 2010 | 6:12 pm

    Is it bad that I want you to be on a rollercoaster every period so I can read blog posts like this?

    Oh well forgive.




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