He wins, I lose…I’m a loser

This is Goldie:


image from here

He is the mascot for the Winnipeg Goldeyes which is the baseball team in our city.

A couple of summers ago, my husband and I took the kids to see a Goldeyes game.
On the way there, my two oldest boys were having a nice brotherly conversation, with my then, 5 year old son, Terran.
Wyatt, the oldest, was telling Terran that one of his friends used to have a little brother.
One day, they went to a Goldeyes game.
While they were there, Goldie, the mascot, chased the little brother around the bases, and when he caught him, he ate the little brother.

“That’s why Colin is so nice to you when he comes over,” Wyatt says to my five year old. “He misses his little brother Sammie. Little Sammie liked Goldie too, but Goldie is not to be trusted.”

So I holler back, “Wyatt, stop making that kind of shit up! Goldie does not eat little kids.”
Wyatt says, “But Mom, what about Little Sammie! That’s exactly what he thought until he was being gobbled down by Goldie.”
I reply, “Oh I love this song on the radio! Everyone be quiet so I can sing along!”

Terran says, “What about Little Sammie?”
And I answer, between singing “…all the single ladies, all the single ladies…Terran there is no Little Sammie.”
And Wyatt says, “That’s right, there is no Little Sammie anymore.”

So we get to the game, and a man approaches us, and says: “Hi! I’m So-and-So from the Winnipeg Goldeyes, and I was wondering if your son would like to run the bases during intermission.”
Excitedly, my husband pipes up, “Of course he’d love to!”
Buddy goes on to say, “Yes, Goldie will be with him out there.”
To which Wyatt quickly whispers to Terran, “See! They get you to run around the bases so you’re too tired to fight him off when he eats you. That’s exactly what happened to Little Sammie.”

I look over at Terran, “You don’t believe that, do you?”…Because really, I’m pretty sure my kids are smarter than that, right?…don’t answer…
But Terran is saying that he doesn’t believe this story.

So during intermission, Terran goes out to the field.
He gets on first base.
Goldie gets behind him…
…and chases him around the bases…HOLDING A GIANT FORK!

Pretty sure Terran has never run so fast in all his life.
I, unfortunately, have no pictures to prove this because I was too busy trying to figure out how the record button on my camera worked.

So, all of this to say, that Terran got out of bed in the middle of the night a couple of days ago because his legs hurt.
He insisted he needed to be in my bed.
“Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Well, it’s because of the bugs. I’m scared of the bugs,” he replied.
Instantly my mind goes to bed bugs, so I bolt upright, run to his room, switch the light on, and strip the bedding. “What bugs? How long have you felt the bugs?”
He says, “Not the bugs in my bed. The bugs in my legs.”
“What do you mean ‘the bugs in your legs?’ You don’t have bugs in your legs,” I reply, still searching for any sign of bedbugs.

Before continuing I should mention that Terran has horrible planters warts on the bottom of his foot…I know, gross…
…however, Terran says, “Yes, I have bugs in my legs. Wyatt told me that’s why I have sore legs sometimes. Because the warts on the bottom of my foot are actually bug eggs, and when they hatch, they crawl up into my legs, so that’s why my legs are sore.”

…Obviously, I don’t need to get into the fact that Wyatt is out to get me on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe.
He wants to be a cinematographer and a screen writer.
I suspect he’s using our family as fodder for the storylines.

I also suspect that if I don’t start getting sleep soon, Santa will be wacking him over the head with his giant red bag on Christmas…anybody have a Santa suit I can borrow?

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83 Responses to He wins, I lose…I’m a loser
  1. ryoko861
    December 20, 2010 | 8:16 pm

    Time to have a talk with Wyatt. Then smack him upside the head and tell him the next time Terran gets out of bed screaming of bed bugs, you're going to send him straight to HIS room and have HIM deal with his little brother.

  2. Brad
    December 20, 2010 | 8:17 pm

    Wow, I'm like a really, really old version of Wyatt. I still do stuff like that all the time!

  3. Jennifer
    December 20, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    I can't believe he was chased WITH A FORK!! Does Goldie usually chase them with forks?

    A FORK!?!

    I really shouldn't have read this at work.

  4. Miley
    December 20, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    omg, I'm choking laughing so hard!!

    Poor Terran… I mean, I wish I could give you all kinds of awesome advice but my brother and I convinced our two younger (half) brothers they were aliens, our mom worked at the grocery store and that there really were trolls under the bridge behind the house.
    They survived and are still normal. Ish.

  5. SkippyMom
    December 20, 2010 | 8:22 pm

    I think big brothers are genetically engineered to do this kind of thing. I could basically hear my own telling me a similar story when I was little.

    Wyatt is a stinker, but I have to agree – 'tis funny. Especially the fork. bwahahahha

  6. Linda Medrano
    December 20, 2010 | 8:22 pm

    What an imaginative and rotten kid Wyatt is! I think I love him. Yeah, he's rotten but hysterical.

  7. Constar
    December 20, 2010 | 8:25 pm

    HAHHAHAAHA OMG when my fam first moved up to the countryside my little sister was 5, she saw cows that day on the way up, she asked me about the cows i told her ” well you know how your adopted and everything? your half cow half human, thats why we are moving up here to be closer to your birth mother” needless to say she freaked out everytime we passed a barn!! but this child of yours is even better then i am.. and im good!

  8. Oilfield Trash
    December 20, 2010 | 8:27 pm

    This story is covered in awesome sauce.

  9. Texan Zombie Goddess
    December 20, 2010 | 8:30 pm

    That Wyatt of yours is one sick ticket lol. Terran must be terrified of what new evil Wyatt will tell him about that day. I feel for the poor kid!

  10. Brandy Rose
    December 20, 2010 | 8:36 pm

    Wyatt is a riot!…cheesy, I know, but I had to.

  11. onemixedbag.com
    December 20, 2010 | 8:40 pm

    Oh, what a funny kid. I think I would adore Wyatt. My husband is Wyatt as an adult. Me too in a way.
    My folks came to MT to go to Yellowstone and my mom will NEVER go back, thanks to us.
    We told her the park was going to close and we might not be able to get out. She should start shaking when we get to the exit, so we can tell the park rangers she needs a hospital. My mom was freaking out, think we were stuck in Yellowstone for the night. Going to be eaten by bears and all that. My dad was yelling from the front seat, “Don't listen to them. They are lying.” As we are driving towards the exit, other cars are coming into the park. Mom asked why those cars were coming in the park when it was closing. We told her they were turned back at the exit and have to spend the night in the park.
    We got out safely, but she will NEVER go back.
    See what potential Wyatt has?

  12. nitebyrd
    December 20, 2010 | 8:41 pm

    It's because my kids are grown that I can just laugh and laugh. Wyatt is going to have a wonderful future in horror! Of course, Terran will be hitting his brother up for therapist money, so that'll be good.

  13. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 20, 2010 | 8:43 pm

    I think Wyatt is trying to get back at you for the nipple thing.

    And for all the things for Goldie to be carrying why a GIANT FORK?! That made me LMFAO.

    And slap my adoptive brother Wyatt against the back of the head for me, since I can't do it for myself. That's just cruel of him to do that to Terran.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  14. Rebecca
    December 20, 2010 | 8:45 pm

    Your whole family amuses me. This story is hilarious!

  15. FatAngryBlog
    December 20, 2010 | 8:45 pm

    OMG! This made me laugh out loud!

    Poor Terran!

    Sounds like the stuff Step-Daughter says to Son…

  16. Poppy
    December 20, 2010 | 8:46 pm

    I've seen pictures of Terran, I don't blame Wyatt for trying to level the playing field through torture. Hysterical.

  17. twelvedaysold
    December 20, 2010 | 9:04 pm

    Oh my gosh…a giant fork? I love the jerk who decided it was a good idea to chase little boys around the bases with their families watching. Poor kid.

    And I was the youngest kid of 4, and I got hit with brooms, ate soap, and took scalding baths because of my siblings and I turned out all right.

    However I did think those big balls they put on the power lines over lakes (to stop them from whipping around in the wind) were actually placed there by Michael Jordan, until I was 13 (because he was the only one able to jump that high…).

  18. Lin
    December 20, 2010 | 9:06 pm

    Aw…poor little guy! My brother & I used to make stuff up but this is hilarious. I cant help but laugh & feel bad for him at the same time lol.

  19. Terri
    December 20, 2010 | 9:07 pm

    Hahahaha – that's terrible! And hilarious!

  20. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    December 20, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    lmao i love the fact that the mascot actually had a fork. basically, it was all too perfect. so, awesome. your kids sound fun.

  21. Just Sayin...
    December 20, 2010 | 9:32 pm

    GIANT FORK!

    I have to type this fast as my keyboard is slowly dying from the drink I spit out all over it from my nose while reading this entry…. note to self, no food or drink while reading A.N…. anymore!

    Time to start talking to Wyatt or grounding him. Or if it's within your parenting morals & ethics, maybe help Terran get payback. ;-)

  22. Gigi
    December 20, 2010 | 9:34 pm

    That's what older siblings do – ask me; I know! ;-)

  23. Bouncin' Barb
    December 20, 2010 | 9:44 pm

    What else was done to your son to make him want to terrify the shit of our his little brother? haha. That is funny except for the poor kid who's crapping in his pants. But then someday he'll have kids and like my mother did to me. Put the revenge hex on him!! hahahaha

  24. Steph
    December 20, 2010 | 9:51 pm

    My sister and I used to tell our little brother that he had a twin. But his twin didn't listen to us so we locked him up under the basement stairs.

  25. Send Wyatt over here…he'd fit right in around my place :-)

  26. My name WAS Female, I shit you not!
    December 20, 2010 | 10:13 pm

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh big brothers!

    I''l not go there. :0)

  27. Shell
    December 20, 2010 | 10:24 pm

    Hilarious! I give him some credit for creativity!

  28. CkretsGalore
    December 20, 2010 | 10:46 pm

    Oh ewwwwww. He's he trying to make his little brother sound like a meth head?!?! Bugs under the skin……*shudder*

  29. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    December 20, 2010 | 11:07 pm

    It sounds like it's time for him to get a taste of his own medicine.

  30. The Watchman
    December 20, 2010 | 11:32 pm

    This was ohhh sooo funny! Thank you for my daily laughs! Quite an imagination on that son of yours has!

  31. Molly Malone
    December 20, 2010 | 11:46 pm

    Wow… Wyatt sounds exactly like me… except that I am now 32 years old and should have grown out of that shit!

  32. StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously?
    December 21, 2010 | 12:29 am

    The joys of big brothers.

    My sister was just downright mean or ignored me. Maybe that's better?

    Not sure…

  33. caterpillar
    December 21, 2010 | 12:32 am

    Hey Sandra…how's Wyatt doing? :D I was a bratty elder sister myself… Oh the fun time….sigh! :) )

  34. Belle
    December 21, 2010 | 12:38 am

    My cousin told me that bogeymen put a pain over your head and drive a nail through it. It terrified me for years.

  35. Stephanie in Suburbia
    December 21, 2010 | 12:58 am

    I so agree with the first poster. Let the oldest deal with him!

  36. Julianna
    December 21, 2010 | 1:02 am

    Hys. Ter. I. Cal! Almost Hub's siblings told him they found him in a trash can when he was little and brought him home. It's a ledgend that still lives on today… :)

  37. Julianna
    December 21, 2010 | 1:06 am

    Oh… plantars warts… get white vinegar, a cotton ball, and a band aid. Soak the cotton ball in the vinegar, put it on the wart and stick a band aid over it. Do it twice a day, preforably after a shower. It'll be gone in a week.

    Seriously. I spent over $400 last year trying to have the doctor painfully freeze one off my heal. Found this on a blog… painless and it worked in 1 week.

  38. Jessica
    December 21, 2010 | 1:23 am

    OMG! hahaha!

    I really wanted two kids, a boy first. Now though? Not so sure!

  39. Nicole
    December 21, 2010 | 2:04 am

    Poor kid! I personally find mascots to be creepy, and I have never been chased by one.

  40. The Frisky Virgin
    December 21, 2010 | 2:15 am

    Oh, of all the times to have the mascot carrying a GIANT FORK! Poor little fella. :(

    And the leg bugs!!! Poor kiddo! I think big brother is going to be a tremendously successful writer–his creativity is immense at such a young age.

  41. becca
    December 21, 2010 | 2:24 am

    LOL..this was a good one i being an older sibling can remember torturing my younger brothers in the same way. too funnny

  42. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 21, 2010 | 2:26 am

    Those were the good ol' days… when you could make stuff up and terrorize the little kids. Now I have to be “nice.” Hehe. Just kidding. I was always a nice one. I love your family memories..The fork. I would have died laughing.

  43. dbs
    December 21, 2010 | 2:38 am

    I think I had the same brother except his name was Donny then.

  44. Bibliomama
    December 21, 2010 | 3:23 am

    Yeah — the nipple thing — reapin' time, lady. And oh my god, can we commiserate about the effing plantar warts sometime? They're from the devil!

  45. jules
    December 21, 2010 | 3:59 am

    Ha ha ha. I love that you were singing “single ladies.” Now how to teach Wyatt a lesson! I'm sure you will come up with something!

  46. bruce
    December 21, 2010 | 4:10 am

    you had me at fork..(you)

    awesome post!

  47. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 21, 2010 | 4:20 am

    Quite the little storyteller.

  48. Chocolate Covered Daydreams
    December 21, 2010 | 6:07 am

    You must remind him that little brothers grow up and become wiser….and then, that's when payback happens!

    Poor baby! Being chased by a fork??

  49. DysFUNctional Mom
    December 21, 2010 | 6:19 am

    Your kids are hilarious! My son tortures his younger brother & sisters too but this takes the cake!

  50. The Drama Mama
    December 21, 2010 | 7:01 am

    Seriously funny!!

  51. Hazel
    December 21, 2010 | 10:38 am

    Aww poor Terran! He's so innocent!

    Hazel xxx

  52. Thisisme.
    December 21, 2010 | 11:23 am

    My sympathies are all with poor little Terran! Bless. Hope that episode isn't going to affect him as he's growing up!! Naughty Wyatt!

  53. Sarahf
    December 21, 2010 | 12:55 pm

    Too cute! Just one question: Whose idea was the fork?!

  54. Just telling it like it is
    December 21, 2010 | 1:51 pm

    well I am not grossed out with the planters warts…I'm like I need a picture…I know something wrong with me

  55. G
    December 21, 2010 | 2:27 pm

    Haha! Oh poor Terran! The funny thing is that my older brother could still tell me stuff like that and for a split second, part of me says, “Really? Wait, what? No way!” This was a priceless post. You must archive it and show it to Terran's first “significant other” at Sunday dinner when he is older. – G

  56. Fizzgig
    December 21, 2010 | 2:31 pm

    Ummmm what the heck is that mascot suppose to be?

    Our local team is called the Akron Aeros, as in aerospace since we have goodyear there, and the mascot is a freaking cat named orbit. Hes a space cat.

    Where do they come up with these things??

  57. KLZ
    December 21, 2010 | 2:57 pm

    Are you for real with that fork business? Because that's almost too serendipitous. If you're being honest, I think it's my new favorite story.

    Even if you're being sarcastic it's pretty good.

  58. Gigi
    December 21, 2010 | 3:07 pm

    Wow, I really hope that sweet mascot was not chasing a little boy with a real fork.

    Or is that how they roll in Canada?

    Merry Christmas – your blog has been one of my favorite finds this year :)

  59. Jill
    December 21, 2010 | 3:39 pm

    Terran reminds me of my little brother. He believed anything I told him. My parents had to sit him down to explain there's no Santa when he was ELEVEN bc the kids at school were making fun of him. Innocent is super sweet and you only get that with little boys.

    I broke out with plantar warts when I was pregnant. No explanation from the podiatrist except that my immune system was slightly compromised and couldn't fight the virus or whatever it is. As soon as I gave birth, they went away. Glam, huh?

  60. Monkey Man
    December 21, 2010 | 4:04 pm

    Listen, I'm no big baseball fan, but “INTERMISSION”??? Canadians. If you can't play it on ice or shoot it or drink it then it just doesn't matter, eh?

    As to your extremely creative son – He is my kind of kid. Sick and twisted. Torturing siblings. He is a Steven King and George Romero all rolled into one. Nice!

    Oh…one more thing. Tell Jill no one wants to hear about her planters warts because you just don't know what kind of a wart blog that wil inspire in you. (I know where Wyatt gets his sick ideas.)

  61. HulaBuns
    December 21, 2010 | 4:17 pm

    O.M.G. This is freaking hilarious!! A giant fork?! Seriously, that's ridiculously funny.

    PS I know feel like I have bugs all over me :D

  62. Holly Ruggiero
    December 21, 2010 | 4:18 pm

    Poor little thing. Siblings are just wonderful, really they are…

  63. Kimberly
    December 21, 2010 | 5:54 pm

    This is so hilarious and tragic all at once. He may need therapy later on in life. Maybe that's what Santa has planned for him this year.

  64. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    December 21, 2010 | 6:26 pm

    My kid would be soooo hysterical! He won't even sit on Santa's lap or visit the Easter bunny!

  65. Blissed-Out Grandma
    December 21, 2010 | 6:39 pm

    With a FORK? That's just wrong. I'm a St. Paul Saints fan. Winnipeg Goldeyes used to be a big rival, until the Saints left for a new league. Now I hear that Winnipeg might join too…we can be rivals again!

  66. AmyLK
    December 21, 2010 | 7:22 pm

    That's a funny kid! now if you can harness him for good! lol

  67. Melissa
    December 21, 2010 | 7:33 pm

    Poor Terran! But he will grow up all the wiser for it. My brother turned out just fine and my sister and I relentlessly tortured him! Gotta love Wyatt for his creativity.

    And thanks for visiting my site. If my poinsettia had been an Edward, I would have done the same.

  68. MissEmy
    December 21, 2010 | 7:41 pm

    I LOVE it! :D Always enjoy your posts. :D

  69. twilightgazing
    December 21, 2010 | 10:11 pm

    Your family is just awesomely good fun. I think there is a bit of Wyatt in all of us.

  70. Carri
    December 21, 2010 | 11:53 pm

    My word. That little shit is going to write horror films, isn't he??

  71. Heather
    December 22, 2010 | 5:05 am

    I think Wyatt should have been awakened immediately to deal with the little brother while you went back to dreamland.

  72. Lisa
    December 22, 2010 | 5:35 am

    THAT IS THE FUNNIEST CRAP I'VE EVER READ! AND YES, I'M YELLING THIS, THUS THE CAPS. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  73. Laoch of Chicago
    December 22, 2010 | 6:49 am

    God I miss baseball season.

  74. Sana Ali
    December 22, 2010 | 7:19 pm

    Hahahahahah awesome post!

    sanaaliii.blogspot.com

  75. meleah rebeccah
    December 22, 2010 | 7:42 pm

    Wyatt is definitely going to be one hellova cinematographer and a screen writer one day!!

  76. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    December 22, 2010 | 8:46 pm

    Hahahaha, that is so freakin' awesome! Bugs in his legs…oh my goodness!

  77. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 22, 2010 | 10:19 pm

    OMG! LMAO a FORK?? OMG Poor baby! The bugs though – OMG I would have to have a talk with Wyatt! OR talk with Terran to figure out a way to get even. LOL Tell him that Wyatt is just “funnin'” him as my grandpa would have called it and find a way for Terran to “fun” him back. LOL Let the games begin. HA Maybe when Wyatt starts dating tell Terran to tell Wyatt he poked holes in all the balloons in his dresser. That would scare him back. HA HA HA LMAO

  78. Vic
    December 22, 2010 | 10:39 pm

    haha…you just sing along…shut the fuck up…i do the same thing….this is funny…these kids need to stop trying to scare the little ones….crazy! poor baby:) merry christmas…enjoy! i'm sure it will be a blast

  79. King of New York Hacks
    December 23, 2010 | 1:30 am

    Mascot a fork and Christmas….sounds like a good horror movie ! LOL

  80. Krissy
    December 23, 2010 | 4:38 pm

    Okay, I soooo did not see the Giant Fork coming. HA!! OMG, that was hilarious!

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

  81. jolie-jordan
    December 27, 2010 | 5:03 pm

    OMG…sounds like home. I thought that only my kids were nuts. The poor little guy always gets the worst of it. My three older brothers tortured me with wild stories when I was a kid too. I've gotten even in our adult life…tell Wyatt to be very, very watchful when Terran gets older. Pay back…as we say in America…can be a MOFO.
    Jolie

    very funny story.

  82. Alittlesprite
    December 29, 2010 | 12:59 am

    LOL! Hilarious! Kids are such good value..:)

  83. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 31, 2010 | 12:15 am

    Awww….this makes me feel like Lily is SO going to miss out on being tortured since she's a lonely only. Merry belated Christmas!!

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