Giddy and nippy

This afternoon, the marks for one of my nursing courses were posted, positively concluding my time in hell.

image from here

It began with a text from my friend stating that she had just seen the grade for her final exam, and she needed me to say something funny to cheer her up.

My text to her went something to the effect of, “We never have to be distracted by that teacher’s nipples

image from here

And because I’m not very original, I also used that same statement as my status update on Facebook.

As I suspected, the word ‘nipples’ brought about comments from most of my friends who immediately knew who I was talking about, referencing the colour of said Highbeam Lady’s sweater, and offering up the nickname Orangutan Titties as an alternative to Highbeam Lady.
…Oh, and a couple of my single guy friends asked for clarification on the remark about the ‘distracting nipples,’ wanting details as in why, whose, and how big.

The problem with the course was not so much the saluting nips, but the fact that some of the language used to describe body parts was dumbed down lower than the language I use when describing these same body parts to my seven year old.

image from here

Yes, I am guilty of using the word “tits” occasionally (not when referring to my own however. Flat is usually the word of choice for mine), but in a classroom in which I am supposed to be learning the pathophysiology of disease, and other such complicated processes (if I use too many big words you’ll think I’m just a show off, and I wouldn’t want that) but in a classroom setting, how ’bout we stick to breasts, urinating, and fecal matter.

Although funny, and great blog fodder, using the words ‘boobs’ and ‘pee’ in a classroom in which I’m being taught how to save lives, is distracting.
When describing fetor hepaticus, which is a condition seen in those with failing livers in which the breath becomes offensive smelling, it’s troubling to hear, “The patient’s breath will smell like feces.”

Of course, I turn to my classmate, and whisper, “Did she just say the patient’s breath will smell like feces?” to which my classmate, calmly nods, and replies, “Yes. It will smell like shit.”
And because we were willing to do just about anything to do well on our tests, we diligently wrote in our notes: Patient’s breath will smell like shit.

Of course, nowhere on the exam did this even come up!
There was no question stating:

“What is the most prominent feature of a patient with fetor hepaticus?”

a) his teeth are shiny and white
b) he owns a kitten named hepaticat
c) his breath smells like shit
d) all of the above

I don’t think the teachers were bad teachers. I mean clearly I learned. Maybe I learned a little too much: while home sick this past weekend I had myself first convinced that I had pancreatitis, then I was pretty sure I was in the final stages of chronic renal failure.
Turns out it was the runs.

But I think the tone of the semester can best be summed up by our lesson on the spread of the bacteria E.coli from anus to vagina, when the teacher called out, “Remember ladies, if you don’t want a UTI, wipe front to back! Front to back!”

This is what I taught my daughter when she was being potty trained.
I’m just sayin’…

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65 Responses to Giddy and nippy
  1. anSeL
    December 17, 2010 | 5:59 am

    if i'm one of your classmates or we're seatmates i'll be nonstop laughing and will be sent out by the teacher.

    this again sandra completed my day even it already friday.


  2. SherilinR
    December 17, 2010 | 6:14 am

    don't ya just hate it when you think you've got something fancy & then it turns out that it's just the runs? or you think you're having a heart attack & then it's just gas?

  3. Jill
    December 17, 2010 | 6:23 am

    I agree with anSel…there is no way I could ever concentrate in your presence!

  4. Lightning Bug's Butt
    December 17, 2010 | 6:27 am

    You've just inspired me to be kinder and gentler to my liver!

  5. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    December 17, 2010 | 6:33 am

    There you go again, trying to make me pee my pants. But seriously…what woman doesn't know to wipe front to back? It's kind of one of the first things you learn when you have a vagina. Just sayin.

  6. The Adorkable Ditz
    December 17, 2010 | 8:27 am

    OMG MOM!!

    That picture is so distracting. It's like my first History professor who has got to be in her 70's or 80's that was well endowed but now doesn't know how to wear a bra…Now tell me about distracting!

    I will remember the front to back method because UTIs suck.

    Good job on passing!

  7. Mamma has spoken
    December 17, 2010 | 11:26 am

    I looked at your picture of nipples and you're right it is distracting and not in a sexual way but in a 'why the hell are her nipples so high' way. Makes you wonder if they are real, did she have a boob job, is she breast feeding,does she know her nipples are poking out of her shirt, and if she does, is she flaunting them? Oh make my questioning stop!

  8. Jessica
    December 17, 2010 | 11:59 am

    Congrats on passing and knowing which way to wipe!! We're all winners here today!

  9. JP
    December 17, 2010 | 12:45 pm

    I had an honors genetics class once… the prof was a complete nutjob caffeine/nicotene/alcohol addict who would invariably rotate days where he would quit one and have withdrawal symptoms… For example one day he was writing on the board stopped and looked at what he wrote… “What the hell does that say?” It was just a bunch of scribbles.

    Anyway… during a quiz he displayed a clinical picture of a naked very well-endowed “woman”… you know the kind… B&W standing palms facing out with the black bar over her eyes… The quiz question was simple… “What is the sex of this person?” It was completely out of the blue, I don't think we were even talking about gender and genetics… The whole class did a collective “WHAT???”

    Well of course it wasn't so simply… She was an XY Female…

  10. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    December 17, 2010 | 1:21 pm

    Congratulations on passing! What I want to know is what happens if you go side to side?

  11. Thisisme.
    December 17, 2010 | 1:43 pm

    Someone should have had a word with her about those nipples!! Distracting isn't the word. LOL!

  12. Krissy
    December 17, 2010 | 2:11 pm

    Doesn't it always feel better after a semester ends? I swear It's like a huge weight off, even if you have more to come. I should be finished with school in April, and I can't freaking wait!

  13. jess
    December 17, 2010 | 2:28 pm

    now if my breath smells bad, i'm going to ask my husband if it smells like poo. but like, ACTUAL poo, not figurative poo, because i'll be worried i'm in liver failure!
    congrats on passing your class!!!!!

  14. ryoko861
    December 17, 2010 | 2:39 pm

    I'm with your first commenter, anSel, I wouldn't get anything done if you sat next to me! We'd be cracking up all the time!
    There are so many terms for THOSE body parts. My husband and I actually tried listing all of them once…it was endless.

  15. Bouncin' Barb
    December 17, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    OMG, her nipples look like they are pointing upward to the ceiling. What a hoot! Congrats on the passing grade. So happy for you.

  16. Oilfield Trash
    December 17, 2010 | 2:56 pm

    That womans nipples are like a compass, always pointing north.

  17. TheUnSoccerMom
    December 17, 2010 | 3:03 pm

    I think I need to ease up on the Tylenol…. I don't care about my liver, I just don't want my breath smelling like feces!!!

  18. Dutch Sugar Babe
    December 17, 2010 | 3:16 pm

    Front to back.
    Got it!

  19. bluzdude
    December 17, 2010 | 3:18 pm

    So that explains a lot about an old English teacher I had. You didn't want her looking over your shoulder under any circumstances.

    She also taught Latin… we all assumed that it was because Latin was the language of her childhood.

  20. Kimberly
    December 17, 2010 | 3:20 pm

    Oh nursing school and it's mature proper terminology. Nothing says funny like erect nipples…and boners…and the runs a.k.a Hershey squirts

  21. The Mama
    December 17, 2010 | 3:24 pm

    “Orangutan Titties”

    Ha! I am cracking up over here.

  22. Jessica
    December 17, 2010 | 4:01 pm

    Wait, people use other words other than TITS? That's what I say. LOL!

  23. Bossy Betty
    December 17, 2010 | 4:06 pm

    Oh my gosh this was funny. You learned A LOT in hell! So glad you shared the academic stuff with us!

  24. Monkey Man
    December 17, 2010 | 4:20 pm

    Giddy and Nippy. Sound like names for dogs. Guess I better go back and actually read your post.

    Oohhhh…it was about you passing your test (congrats) and having a nipple/word substitution obsession. But speaking of dogs, since my dog's breath smells like shit, is his liver failing or is it just due the the fact that he is a coprophiliac.

  25. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    December 17, 2010 | 4:41 pm

    Yay! Congrats on passing another class!

  26. Nicole
    December 17, 2010 | 5:02 pm


    One of my profs had the worst, I mean the worst, body odour ever. Once I passed his class I was relieved to never have to be exposed to that toxicity again.

  27. caterpillar
    December 17, 2010 | 5:25 pm

    Hey, Congrats on passing the test…it was a funny post… :)

  28. Kristen
    December 17, 2010 | 5:26 pm

    ha ha! Love it! And I can understand 100%! I just graduated from nursing school 2 days ago, I am SOOOO glad to be done! NCLEX here I come! Good luck to you, how much longer do you have?

  29. lisleman
    December 17, 2010 | 5:55 pm

    A brother-in-law told me long ago that the best part of his day at the grocery store was stocking the freezers – he loved spotting those nips.
    Very funny post

  30. Me
    December 17, 2010 | 5:55 pm

    Thanks for the giggle :0)

  31. Pamela
    December 17, 2010 | 6:09 pm

    Yay! Congrats on passing girl! And thanks for the laugh this morning – although I really could have done without the nipple pic – eww!

  32. Kara Hoag
    December 17, 2010 | 6:35 pm

    What about 'naughty bits'? Is that classroom appropriate?

    visions unto myself

  33. Missy
    December 17, 2010 | 7:30 pm

    LOL! Front to back, always!

  34. Heather
    December 17, 2010 | 7:35 pm

    I more disturbed by the word, “IF”. Like maybe there were some people in the class who DID want a uti????


  35. Kristina P.
    December 17, 2010 | 9:10 pm

    You would really love the STD presentation the Health Department gives to the kids I work with. Complete with pictures. Can you say “anal warts?”

  36. GigglesandGuns
    December 17, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    Oh lord, what were you like in high school?

    This brightened my afternoon — a lot!

  37. Together We Save
    December 17, 2010 | 10:05 pm

    Oh my… so funny!!

  38. knitwit
    December 17, 2010 | 10:10 pm

    Oh my god–this is hilarious! Congrats on passing!

  39. Rebecca
    December 17, 2010 | 10:55 pm

    Good luck next semester and hopefully the headlights chick doesn't teach any more classes.

  40. Mrs. Tuna
    December 17, 2010 | 11:18 pm

    I myself am a member of the itty bitty titty club, but you can take my temperature anytime.

  41. Corey
    December 17, 2010 | 11:38 pm

    haha! i love that you wrote it in your notes! haha “patients breath will smell like shit.”


    Thanks for stopping by and visiting me, and following too! :)

  42. Jemi Fraser
    December 17, 2010 | 11:54 pm

    So funny! :)

  43. Cheeseboy
    December 18, 2010 | 12:21 am

    Why, why why can't I ever get a professor with those nipples?

    This post was awesome! Funny all the way through.

  44. gayle
    December 18, 2010 | 1:43 am

    Such a funny post! Congrats on passing!

  45. chrustalicious
    December 18, 2010 | 2:21 am

    Haha. All I can say is, I love it. :)

  46. Fizzgig
    December 18, 2010 | 4:24 am

    Congrats!! I think all bras should be padded. Before I discovered them, I tried band aids, and toilet paper squares in the bra. Neither really worked well because you could see them thru the shirt too.

    December 18, 2010 | 5:07 am

    Congratulations! That must feel great!

  48. Kelley
    December 18, 2010 | 6:19 am

    Sandra, you're just too smart! That's all there is to it. You need to tell Nip-Nips to scoot it over and let you teach the class. You'd probably be really good at it because people would LOVE learning and laughing at the same time!

    BTW, I think I just received my FAVORITE “word verification” word on your blog just now: nunugg.

  49. DW
    December 18, 2010 | 6:23 am

    Good god! You go to nursing school AND you have four kids? You are crazy. All the more power to you!

  50. ajm
    December 18, 2010 | 12:53 pm

    My husband is a nurse, and this post has just verified why he did so well in nursing school. It must have been all the nips.

  51. Jill from Killeny Glen
    December 18, 2010 | 2:12 pm

    Sandra! I am LAUGHING!

  52. silvergirl
    December 18, 2010 | 3:45 pm

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!
    I am loving reading your post today.
    I was once a nursing student myself and reading this brought back so many memories.
    Thanks for the smiles!!

  53. Anita
    December 18, 2010 | 4:57 pm

    Good read! Wish I had time to read more of your, but I'm running off to my horseback riding lesson.
    Yes, I too, am trying to have a life beyond my husband, house, and kids.

    Congrats on the “pass!” Glad the nips were not too distracting. :)

  54. secret agent woman
    December 18, 2010 | 7:29 pm

    Oh, my – we used to have a stats professor in grad school who was probably closing in on 60. She always wore sheer white blouses and over the course of the class her bra straps were start slipping. We'd all watch in horrified fascination until the inevitable – the appearance of a dark nipple through the fabric. It still haunts me.

  55. Lin
    December 18, 2010 | 9:06 pm

    I could never be in the health industry because I'd be giggling like a little girl through most of the classes. Put me next to you and we're done for. ;) Good to know I'm not the only immature one.

  56. " Hit It......."
    December 18, 2010 | 11:51 pm

    Congratulations on passing your exams. Laughed about breath smelling like shit. Have a great Christmas.

  57. Patti
    December 19, 2010 | 1:18 am

    Hey Sandra,

    I always enjoy your posts and this was no exception. Congratulations! Enjoy your holidays. I'll be driving through the town of your birth to get to mine. I'll salute North Bay as we drive by.

  58. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 19, 2010 | 1:47 am

    Oy the runs. I was on antibiotics (despise them) for 14 days for a sinus and ear infection. Somehow I managed to avoid the runs. Antibiotics always cause them. Curse those evil druga.

  59. Two Normal Moms
    December 19, 2010 | 2:00 am

    And of course will be thinking of fetor hepaticus the next time I smell obnoxious breath!
    Congrats on being DONE! Yay!

  60. Brahm (alfred lives here)
    December 19, 2010 | 2:12 am

    Congrats on passing!

    I am sure that Ms Tits is happy for you as well.

    Fun post. First time here, will be back!

  61. K
    December 19, 2010 | 9:37 am

    My nipples do that, I wonder if other people find it distracting?

    What a fab post I really enjoyed it. Was the answer B).he owns a kitten named hepaticat?

  62. Megan (Best of Fates)
    December 19, 2010 | 3:33 pm

    I really, really, really want to know what body part is described as peach or cheese wheel.

    And I had a college professor with the same “sweater” issue. It was quite distracting.

  63. becca
    December 19, 2010 | 8:30 pm

    great post

  64. Aleksandra Nearing
    December 19, 2010 | 10:26 pm

    And sorry I forgot…but congrats on passing! You go, mama! I knew you could do it!

  65. Kimber Leszczuk.
    December 22, 2010 | 8:33 pm

    Congrats on passing!

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