Potty mouth makes me happy

It has come to my attention that I tend to rely on the use of potty mouth in order to get a cheap laugh.
Yes. Yes, I do. Don’t act so surprised.


Here’s the thing though, as a nursing student minoring in Native studies, I spend most of my days reading, writing, and speaking like this:


don’t actually read this, skip to end of paragraph as I can’t guarantee you won’t be dead of boredom before you reach the end…

…When the patient was straining to pass stool, the pressure exerted on the liver, and therefore the increased pressure gradient in the hepatic portal vein, would have caused esophageal variceal rupture, and would have thus caused him to vomit blood…
…yawn…blah blah blah…boring, right.
My native studies courses don’t contain any medical jargon, but in these classes I have to rely on my gift for spinning bullshit into silk, which I’ll admit often leaves me feeling like…well, a bullshitter…
…By forcing Aboriginal children into the residential school system, the ruling class could groom these children for roles in the lower echelons of society, thus reserving the higher rungs and the power associated with these for people who did not threaten to tear at the fabric of Western civilization…
It’s not that I don’t mean what I write usually but in an effort to confuse the professor into giving me an A, I can’t just say: “The white man is bad. He took the land. He brought disease. He gave out booze.” 
Instead I have to weave the material into something so complex that even the teacher can’t figure out what the fuck I’m saying and doesn’t dare question me lest I actually do have a point, thus negating her years of toiling towards her PhD.
So here in my blog, I don’t want to get all thinky.
I want to tell you about my kids, my husband, myself.
And yes, in order to be authentic about us and who we are, unfortunately, sometimes the use of the words ‘poop,’ ‘penis,’ ‘testicles,’ and of course, the ever popular ’fart‘ are required to paint  a complete picture.

So that having been said, let me solidify this point by sharing a conversation I had just yesterday with my seven-year-old son regarding a craft that he made in school. 

In the spirit of Halloween, the kids were taught about different kinds of spiders. 
The teacher then asked them to make their own spider, give it special qualities, and a name.

Here’s what my child wrote about his spider:

The spider that I have created is called a Machine Gun Spider.
It lives in the military.
It catches its prey by shooting bullets out of its bumcheeks.

So I asked the little genius, “Bumcheeks? Why bumcheeks?”

His answer: “Because the teacher wouldn’t let me say buttcheeks.”

Ah.
That clears things up. 

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68 Responses to Potty mouth makes me happy
  1. Ameena
    November 10, 2010 | 12:06 am

    Bumcheeks…I love the creativity. We had to say feces instead of the s-word. Ridiculous, right?

    I keep my language fairly clean but I don't think that using "Frickin' A" when addressing my 5-year-old is really going to save her from using the real thing in a few years. Or weeks.

  2. Big Fat Gini
    November 10, 2010 | 12:11 am

    Yes, because nothing is as awesome as hearing your four year old yell, "son of a bitch!" Even though you're quite certain you've never said that in front of them. You may have said "son of a biscuit eater" though.

    Which brings me to my point. You can make stuff up, you can use fake curse words, and you can pray that your children never read the word "fuckery" on your blog. But, that doesn't mean they won't learn it somewhere else.

    Of course, you shouldn't take advice from me since my kids run around yelling, "asshole!"

  3. SkippyMom
    November 10, 2010 | 12:14 am

    Obviously the teacher isn't British?

  4. Jill
    November 10, 2010 | 12:16 am

    I love you even more. Toilet humor is always in style around here.

    Smart lil fella you got there. I like his ability to adapt and comprimise…

    Don't know how I'm ever going to clean up my language in front of my little one. New Yorkers curse. That's just how we express ourselves!

  5. bluzdude
    November 10, 2010 | 12:18 am

    Last year, my brother related the story that when he was calling home from out of town, he heard his wife tell his 4-year old son to stop playing around with the front door.

    He then heard the boy yell back, "Screw the door!"

    After which he ran upstairs and hid under his bed. (the boy, not my brother.)

    I just have to give the kid kudos for proper usage.

  6. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    November 10, 2010 | 12:19 am

    i love a woman who can bullshit with the best of them.

  7. Kristina P.
    November 10, 2010 | 12:22 am

    Hahaha. Bumcheeks. It doesn't get much better than that.

  8. Gina
    November 10, 2010 | 12:32 am

    What a clever boy. Living in Australia I have to say that we have some pretty nasty spiders residing in our back yard. I wouldn't put it past one of those F***ers to have such a skill!

  9. The Adorkable Ditz
    November 10, 2010 | 12:47 am

    That's it I'm saying bumcheeks from now on!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  10. WhisperingWriter
    November 10, 2010 | 12:48 am

    Bumcheeks…ha…love it!

  11. Penny
    November 10, 2010 | 12:53 am

    Reminds me of the papers I had to write in my Ethics and Disability class. Meh. Probably why I now overuse the word "fuck"…or that time I spent in the army…whatever.

    Bumcheeks. I see me a future Shakespeare here!

  12. Momma Jorje
    November 10, 2010 | 1:02 am

    What a creative solution! I honestly think fake cursing is not much different than "real" cursing. I mean, when someone says effin or whatever, you know what they really meant to say.

    That said, I've never limited my kids language. I just tell them to use the words in the proper context and to be aware that saying words that offend some may result in being banned from their homes. :-P

    Hrm… perhaps I missed the point here – I was certainly amused by your post, as always!

  13. Another Day of Crazy
    November 10, 2010 | 1:13 am

    one of the most amusing moments (to me anyway) of my son's early years was when he was watching me patch up mouse holes in the garage so as to seal off the little buggers, and he saw one large hole I hadn't gotten to yet, and let out a "Holy fucking shit!!!" at the size of it.

    And he was four.

    I laughed my ass, ahem, BUM off for days.

  14. Webster
    November 10, 2010 | 2:10 am

    Ah, the deadly spider farts. They'll get you every time. The military spiders are the worst.

    I prefer prick and balls to penis and testicles. But that's just me.

  15. Myya
    November 10, 2010 | 2:16 am

    Ahhh little boys… of course he had to use butt or well bum. How funny is he! At least he didn't compromise too much & made sure it still revolved around the same general idea he came up with :)

  16. Lisa
    November 10, 2010 | 2:23 am

    I love it!
    I am always up for a cheap laugh through the use of potty mouth. Thanks for making me laugh.

  17. Mamma has spoken
    November 10, 2010 | 7:57 am

    Ah but your post proves that when writing, you need to keep your audience in mind. Which makes me wonder about myself when I come here to read your posts because I like your style of writing…

  18. June
    November 10, 2010 | 8:17 am

    Nice spin on your words. Very creative.

    When my oldest went to kindergarten he told his teacher his nickname was "Shitass" because his grandma called him that all the time. Got to love grandma!

  19. Shell
    November 10, 2010 | 8:43 am

    Bumcheeks? LOL

  20. Yandie, Goddess of Pickles.
    November 10, 2010 | 8:48 am

    Story one: My Grandma gave me hell once for using the eff-bomb not once but twice in a blog. I never in a million years thought my Grandma would be reading my blog, not having a computer, but my mom showed it to her, because she was proud of my writing lol.

    Story two: My oldest daughter wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful. My younger daughter, however, tries to get a curse in where she can, but she gets me on context everytime. Sitting in the car, listening to a song with a few choicers in it, I notice her very clearly NOT singing the swear words. I say thank you for not singing the 'bad word' and she goes 'Yeah, I didn't say SHIT either, because SHIT is also a bad word!'

    Uh.. yeah, thanks honey.

  21. Life in the mom lane
    November 10, 2010 | 8:57 am

    Too cute! I love it!
    When my son was four you knew he was pissed off if you heard his ultimate dish of "your a poopy head!"

  22. Julie
    November 10, 2010 | 9:01 am

    hey, just like Astro Boy. but he says butt.

  23. Diane
    November 10, 2010 | 9:06 am

    A spider that shoots bullets out its "bumcheeks"? Priceless.

  24. Heather
    November 10, 2010 | 9:27 am

    With that whole scenario she balked at "Buttcheeks"?

    The Coach gave the three year old a long long lecture about his potty language and other day and after listening intently he replied, "But those are my jokes!"

  25. Mighty M
    November 10, 2010 | 9:51 am

    Hilarious!

    Glad your son has options. Bumcheeks works too. ;)

  26. Bird Shit and Baby Caca
    November 10, 2010 | 9:59 am

    Curse words are my favorite…I think the F-word makes everything in this world better. Also, bumcheeks is now going to be a permanent part of my vocabulary!

  27. Quirkyloon
    November 10, 2010 | 11:18 am

    Potty time always makes me very happy. *grin*

    And I'm kinda digging bumcheeks.

    Oooh, that doesn't sound right.

    hee hee?

  28. Bouncin' Barb
    November 10, 2010 | 11:20 am

    At least he has inherited his mom's sense of humor and story telling abilities. Thank God for that!!!! He'll be blogging before you know it.

    The word verification is iliket. I Li Ket. haha.

  29. ModernMom
    November 10, 2010 | 12:01 pm

    As a girl who posted something yesterday called Sh*t or get out of the Bathroom, I totally get the not wanting to be too thinky on your blog. :) I don't want to read the thinky either! Cheers!

  30. irishgrudge
    November 10, 2010 | 12:02 pm

    You know, I don't think cursing in front of kids is a huge deal. For a little while when they're young and first beginning to talk it gives you some great stories. Like when my little sister was in the kitchen trying to pour a cup of milk. We were all in the living room ignoring her until we hear this squeaky little three year old voice say "Can someone please come in here and get me some damn milk?!"
    But once they get a better grasp of the language you can just teach them that those words are for adults only.
    Of course, I'm a cusser. I cuss at work and around my family and any other damn place I feel like. I try and curb it in inappropriate situations, but I can't (and don't really care to) stop it completely.

  31. karensomethingorother
    November 10, 2010 | 12:09 pm

    I love swears. I heart them. I miss them all the time, and can hardly wait till I can be alone in my car with them again.

    Great story about the bumcheeks.

  32. Deborah
    November 10, 2010 | 12:24 pm

    OMG! Your child is a diplomat and has more deductive reasoning than the entire Bush administration!

  33. mrs.boring stay at homer
    November 10, 2010 | 12:55 pm

    Awe.Some.

  34. Linda Medrano
    November 10, 2010 | 1:11 pm

    My Navajo husband would agree with your assessment of the Indian School agenda. Both his mother and father were taken from their families and stuck in Indian School in Phoenix when they were children. Amazing, yes?

    I like bumcheeks. It's creative and to the point. Yeah, Sandra, your son is a genius!

  35. SkippyMom
    November 10, 2010 | 1:59 pm

    I always come back and read your comments because I am a [stalker] faithful like that, but may I just say….

    I want to be the granddaughter who's grandma reads my blog.

    Yandie is my hero. Well, next to you Sandra. You know that, right?

  36. Ginger
    November 10, 2010 | 2:30 pm

    Sandra you've got me. I need your gift to spin all the BS I'm reading into A material. Cant we just write in plain ole English?
    Bumcheeks? not even bumhole? that's one creative kiddo!

    Your willing follower #730

  37. Dutch donut girl
    November 10, 2010 | 3:54 pm

    "spinning bullshit into silk"

    I can totally relate. Sometimes I look at my papers/essays and say to myself: "Girl, where the hell did that crap come from?"
    It's dry, boring, incomprehensible and removed from daily life.

    What's wrong with buttcheeks?
    Pooping bullets to catch prey. Cute and clever!

  38. Monkey Man
    November 10, 2010 | 4:02 pm

    We dare not offend anyone, you know. Nor should we make anyone feel bad about themselves because in the real world everone is nice to everyone else all the time. Sheesh. (notice how I kept this clean)

  39. becca
    November 10, 2010 | 4:06 pm

    lol..well that is the way of getting around the buttcheek issue

  40. Yankee Girl
    November 10, 2010 | 4:13 pm

    Spinning bullshit in my lit papers was one of my favorite things to do. I always like coming up with the greatest bullshit ever and then waiting and seeing what grade I got. Usually all A's. Apparently the ability to bullshit is the most important thing to learn in school.

  41. blueviolet
    November 10, 2010 | 4:34 pm

    Sounds like your son has a gift like his mama!

  42. Joanne
    November 10, 2010 | 4:42 pm

    That is adorable. And after speaking medical-speak all day…potty mouth is totally required.

  43. Shabbygalsnest
    November 10, 2010 | 5:06 pm

    Sandra you can always crack me up! I was such a bad cusser when my boys were little my oldest t(AKA the hottie) Thought his name was dammit Josh. Sad but true. He has turned out to be a normal adult no permamnent damage. Traci

  44. Bibliomama
    November 10, 2010 | 5:27 pm

    I'm sorry — I try not to swear in front of kids, but kids swearing cracks me up every time. And if I can't swear on my blog, the terrorists win.

  45. ~*Jess*~
    November 10, 2010 | 5:28 pm

    The potty mouth is all kinds of awesome. It makes things more colorful and conveys more emotion than simply saying, Gosh Darn that pizza burned my mouth!

    And as for the military spider? Bad. Ass.

  46. Tracy-Girl @ Then I Got To Thinking
    November 10, 2010 | 5:43 pm

    Oh my goodness, he is adorable… the teacher wouldn't let him say buttcheeks?? What a cutie. And I know what you mean about babbling on and on… sometimes I catch myself doing that :)

  47. DCHY
    November 10, 2010 | 7:13 pm

    Looking forward to my girls' self-censorhip…from the mouths of the babes… ;)

  48. Debbie
    November 10, 2010 | 7:55 pm

    I so love that spider and the use of "bumcheeks"!

  49. The Kooky Queen--Rachel
    November 10, 2010 | 9:01 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAA, oh my goodness! STOP! Seriously that is SOOOOOOOOO funny!!!! What kids think up, oh man! Bumcheeks…hahahaha…

  50. Julianna
    November 10, 2010 | 9:12 pm

    My son was being teased by a girl at recess. He retaliated and called her an asshole. He got in trouble. The teacher asked him if he could think of a better thing to say to the little girl. He said "Yes, I should have just called her a donkey butt."

  51. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    November 10, 2010 | 9:24 pm

    That's priceless!

  52. Snuggle Wasteland
    November 10, 2010 | 10:45 pm

    We've curbed the actual cursing around here but now the children are using smurf as a substitute.

    Son of a smurf.
    Smurf you smurfhole.
    Godsmurfit

    And a million other variations.

    Good times. Good times.

  53. Pamela
    November 10, 2010 | 11:55 pm

    I love me a good potty mouth. My son is turning into a little goody two shoes. I try not to swear around him but if he catches me, he threatens to "tell on me". One day I accidentally said piss (I didn't think he could hear me) and he started yelling from the other room "Mom! Stop saying piss! Piss is a bad word!" Ah, kids.

  54. gayle
    November 11, 2010 | 12:07 am

    That is so cute!!

  55. MissEmy
    November 11, 2010 | 12:39 am

    bumcheeks? bwahahahhahaha :D

  56. Life is Like a Box of Chocolates
    November 11, 2010 | 8:09 am

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! I read a few of your posts and thought you were hilarious!!

  57. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    November 11, 2010 | 8:34 am

    "So here in my blog, I don't want to get all thinky."

    I think that might be my new blogging motto! Brilliant!

  58. Anything Fits A Naked Man
    November 11, 2010 | 9:05 am

    I just wanted to drop by and thank you for visiting and following my blog. I really, really appreciate it! I'm so glad you did, because it's brought me here! You're HILARIOUS!! I'm following you back, cheers!!

  59. Mrs. Tuna
    November 11, 2010 | 9:16 am

    I have 4 brothers, I know all the curse words and I'm not afraid to use them.

  60. Terri
    November 11, 2010 | 10:28 am

    Hehehehe – I like your style!

  61. Just Plain Tired
    November 11, 2010 | 1:29 pm

    I'm a fan of not thinking when it comes to blogging, and it's okay to blurt out, or type, whatever comes to mind to me.

  62. Bridget
    November 11, 2010 | 2:34 pm

    Bahahaha Bumcheeks!! Love it!!

  63. nitebyrd
    November 11, 2010 | 2:54 pm

    Bumcheeks gives the blood thirsty arachnid a touch of class, don'tcha think?

    Your professor will be okay as long as you don't spin your bull-silk out of your bumcheeks! ;)

  64. Lisa
    November 11, 2010 | 3:05 pm

    Hahaha, your son is brilliant! I never would've thought to change to "bumcheeks" if I had been denied use of butt!

  65. commonplacelife
    November 11, 2010 | 5:38 pm

    "…gift for spinning bullshit into silk.." Can I borrow that? My husband, who 'wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful', will faint.

  66. Brenda Susan
    November 11, 2010 | 8:08 pm

    Perfect!

  67. Marla
    November 12, 2010 | 12:07 pm

    Love it!

  68. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    November 18, 2010 | 8:50 am

    You realize bumcheeks will one day be replaced with fatass, right?
    And I know! I'm behind in my blog reading – a million, gazillion apologies.. :)

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