Oh no he didn't!

So my husband and I took the kids to the restaurant on Saturday night. The kids were talking to each other so that meant that Wayne and I had about 3 minutes of uninterrupted “us” time.
Date-night!

I say, “You never cuddle me.”
He says, “Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t. In the bed when you want to get laid doesn’t count. I mean throughout the day. You don’t come up to me and cuddle me. I would like a little more action throughout the day. Not just when you’re horny.”
“Well, I’m busy,” he replies.
“I’m busy too, but you could take one minute to come and give me a hug. I’m always the one who gives the hugs first.”

Silence.

I continue, “Come to think of it, none of my other boyfriends/fiancées/husbands ever cuddled me either. Do you think there’s something wrong with me? Do I put out this man-eater vibe?”
“Oh don’t worry, you’re not a man-eater,” he says, and I chose to ignore his double-entendre because:
1. I’m deep into my own thoughts
and
2. I don’t really care about his thoughts

“So you don’t think it’s me, then,” I ask.
Sighing loudly -because now we’ve had two and half minutes of conversation about a topic other than my squeaking breaks – he says, “No, you’re fine. It’s not you.”

Fast-forward to much later in the night, when I’m sitting in the bed, on my laptop.
Wayne comes to bed, gets under the covers, and starts with the “Oh sweetie, you’re so sexy in that ratty old nightgown. Come over here and give me some sugar!” No of course sugar is not used once in our conversation, but you don’t need to know what goes on in my bedroom. I’m private that way.
I don’t respond because I’m very intent on what I’m reading.

“Whatcha doing?” he asks. “Waisting your time?”

GASP!!!!
I’m not waisting my time. I’m blog hopping!
And he knows it.

But, ever so calmy, I reply, “Yup. I guess I’m waisting my time.”
I refuse to get worked up because it’s late, and the only person who suffers when my temper flares at 1am is me.
I’ll be the one laying awake all night with visions of holding a pillow over his head.

But then…THEN he says, “I have an answer.”
“What do you mean ‘you have an answer’?”
“To your question earlier,” he says. “About why nobody ever shows you any affection.”
“So what’s the answer?”
“It’s because you’re too busy.”

DOUBLE GASP!!! FOLLOWED BY MY EYES BULGING, MY HEAD SPINNING, AND MY MIDDLE FINGER FLIPPING.

I’m too busy? I’m the one who is too busy????
What part of our conversation at the restaurant did he not understand?

This is what I get though for having a conversation with him when there’s a giant screen TV hanging in front of us on which Toronto is playing Montreal.

Apparently though, on top of his selective hearing, the guy does indeed want death by asphyxiation because he rolls over away from me, and mumbles, “I bet you’ll even blog about this.”

Oh, you bet your blue balls I am!

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79 Responses to Oh no he didn't!
  1. Bouncin' Barb
    November 22, 2010 | 4:48 pm

    Ahahahahahahahahahaha….that's all I can say…..this is too freakin' fantastic. You do rock lady..

  2. The Tame One
    November 22, 2010 | 4:49 pm

    Bahahaha. Wait… do you live at my house?

  3. Thisisme
    November 22, 2010 | 4:49 pm

    That is just so funny Sandra, and so true!!! Cuddles during the day – that's what we need!!

  4. nitebyrd
    November 22, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    You need my ex. He's always touching, grabbing, hugging – it's downright creepy. He kinda sneaks up on me and scares me half to death. That asphyxiation thing is sounding pretty good. I'd better check to see if I'm still on the life insurance policy. Oops! I rambled all over your blog! Here, have a (((HUG))) :D

  5. Oilfield Trash
    November 22, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    That is hilarious. Sounds like something I would have said when I was married.

  6. JennyJenJen
    November 22, 2010 | 4:53 pm

    ha! you're awesome.

    my thoughts: next time, fish smarter. Bring your lure and tackle box and pile on the cuddling. "isnt this nice? i love when we cuddle. We should do it more often.." ;)

  7. Kristina P.
    November 22, 2010 | 4:54 pm

    My husband's latest retort is, "Why don't you blog about it?" Good times.

  8. Cinderita
    November 22, 2010 | 4:59 pm

    What more can I say but..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

  9. Shell
    November 22, 2010 | 5:05 pm

    Ahhh, husbands always give us great blog material with their stupidity.

  10. Mamabear
    November 22, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    hah! Awesome. YOU. GO. Thanks for visiting my little bloggy too :)

  11. Jana@AnAttitudeAdjustment
    November 22, 2010 | 5:14 pm

    You are hilarious. What CAN'T you do, lady?

  12. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    November 22, 2010 | 5:17 pm

    Maybe it's your perception of them all or an attraction to that type, or something.

    I think he was probably too distracted to pay attention fully and then men never wanna "hear" when it's that kind of topic.

  13. Nikosmommy
    November 22, 2010 | 5:18 pm

    I chose to ignore his double-entendre because:
    1. I'm deep into my own thoughts
    and
    2. I don't really care about his thoughts.

    Funniest thing I've read in a long time!!!! :)

  14. Lesley
    November 22, 2010 | 5:20 pm

    The dudes just don't get it. They've gotta put a little effort in on the front end so they can "get a little" later on!

  15. Jumble Mash
    November 22, 2010 | 5:38 pm

    Hahahahaha those last couple of lines were priceless.

    Guys just don't get that even a little bit affection makes us very happy. They seem to think we are asking them to cut their ear off and mail it to Africa.

  16. blueviolet
    November 22, 2010 | 5:41 pm

    Doesn't he get it? You want what you want when you want it. :)

  17. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    November 22, 2010 | 5:53 pm

    Ah, how I love you! You are so real and so clever. I'm so excited I'll get to write you when I've got school questions. Sounds like he deserves those blue balls.

  18. Kimberly
    November 22, 2010 | 5:56 pm

    Oh men and their obsession with other sweaty men on ice…
    You broke a cardinal rule my dear…NEVER…EVER talk to a man when he's watching the Leafs get their ass kicked. The only way to penetrate the man brain is right after sex…he's got no escape.

  19. 00dozo
    November 22, 2010 | 5:58 pm

    It seems to me that his advances probably started just after Montreal scored a short-handed goal. He should have known that it's all downhill after that, including sex.
    ;-)

  20. Big Fat Gini
    November 22, 2010 | 6:01 pm

    "I bet you'll even blog about this," ha! Oh that is SO Mr. BFG! The problem is, he's such a prude that I think he'd die where he was standing if he knew I blogged about anything so personal!

  21. Gwen
    November 22, 2010 | 6:02 pm

    It's kinda funny how husbands expect some degree of privacy when they have wives who blog. I always tell my husband, "Maybe you'll find that in your next wife…"

  22. Jeannie
    November 22, 2010 | 6:22 pm

    At least maybe he can read it and see where he lost the thread.

    Why don't men cuddle more? Except when they want a little sumpin sumpin.

  23. Mary Vaughn
    November 22, 2010 | 6:41 pm

    I'll comment next time. I'm laughing to hard and getting ready to forward this to friends and family! Too Good!
    Mary

  24. Another Day of Crazy
    November 22, 2010 | 6:53 pm

    Of course you're going to blog about it! Marital privacy went out the window when the wedding vows were said!

  25. Linda Medrano
    November 22, 2010 | 7:04 pm

    Okay, Sandra Darling, two words. Rat Poison. Make him some yummy almond scented muffins! Come here and give me some sugar, indeed. Come here and eat the almond scented cookies I made just for you baby! What does a girl have to do to get some non-sexual affection! Just the same thing we do for them all the fucking time!

  26. DCHY
    November 22, 2010 | 7:14 pm

    Blue Balls everywhere, unite! LOL My peeve is not being listened to. At least I try to listen. :)

  27. The Girlie Blog
    November 22, 2010 | 7:34 pm

    lol. you never fail to make me laugh!

  28. Vanessa
    November 22, 2010 | 7:41 pm

    LOOOOVE it!!! Only been a follower for a day and you make me laugh my ass off! Which is a good thing, I can stand to lose a few pounds back there! Hell anywhere would be fine! Thanks for the good laugh!

  29. Diane
    November 22, 2010 | 7:58 pm

    LMAO…AGAIN!!! You never disappoint! :D

  30. Jewels
    November 22, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    I am starting to be more and more grateful that I'm single. haha.

    "I bet you're gonna blog about it." Hillarious!

  31. Nezzy
    November 22, 2010 | 8:28 pm

    It's the clueless factor baby!!! Heeehehehe!!! This cracked me up.

    My family treads very lightly around me. Geek Son has been heard sayin,"be careful or this will end up in Mom's blog"….and it does!

    God bless ya and enjoy this week of Thanksgiving!!!

  32. Stephanie in Suburbia
    November 22, 2010 | 8:30 pm

    Men: can't live with 'em, can't blog without 'em! Keep fighting for the cuddles, lady!

  33. Molly Malone
    November 22, 2010 | 8:44 pm

    I never got many hugs either… wonder what it is about us…?!

  34. Pragmatic Spector
    November 22, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    You just disproved a common misconception guys have about marriage: that when guys get married, they think they can get it, ANYtime. But obviously you proved them wrong :D funny post!

  35. Jessica
    November 22, 2010 | 9:01 pm

    Hahahaha! Men. They just don't get it!

  36. Holly Ruggiero
    November 22, 2010 | 9:12 pm

    OMG! I laughed hard over the last two lines!

  37. Alessandra
    November 22, 2010 | 9:15 pm

    I was just thinking about what to blog, when I realized that husbands are great blog material, thanks Sandra.
    I really like your blog

  38. Midwest Mommy
    November 22, 2010 | 10:34 pm

    Men!

  39. Olivia J. Herrell
    November 22, 2010 | 11:08 pm

    You know, it's not you. Oh crap. Or maybe it IS you and it's ME, too. Hmm, now I wonder.

    Thanks for the giggles! Olivia

  40. Heather
    November 22, 2010 | 11:13 pm

    Awwwwww. Poor guy.
    I just wrote that because my husband says bloggers man bash and I told him that was not true.

    We never waste time doing that.

  41. ClosedOnSunday
    November 22, 2010 | 11:41 pm

    They are so freaking bratty when they don't get their way! Mine is also a, "So I guess you're gonna blog about this now," kind of guy. You know what I say? Build a bridge & get over it.

  42. Christina
    November 23, 2010 | 12:28 am

    No jury would convict you. Now where is that pillow?

  43. Megan (Best of Fates)
    November 23, 2010 | 12:39 am

    I think I understand where that pillow smothering urge comes from!

  44. SSW
    November 23, 2010 | 12:45 am

    hilarious….I'm so glad no one I know knows I have a blog! Thanks for the laugh and I pretty sure men are wired that way to ignore women till they perceive there is something coming their way!…no excuse by any means but just know your not alone in your battles!

  45. Meri
    November 23, 2010 | 1:13 am

    Hi- I just found your blog and I love it! I am the designated "non cuddler" in my relationship… it's a sticky wicket, isn't it- navigating these darn things.

    I also have the "hockey on the tv one sided conversation" with disturbing frequency- can relate…

    Meri

    merigoesround.blogspot.com

  46. Pragmatic Spector
    November 23, 2010 | 1:22 am

    Haha you're so funny! Well that depends what type of smut. Actually, most of the depressing, ugly stuff goes in the private blog. Funny smut SHOULD go to the public one, but if it's just way tooooo much I'll put it on the private blog. And it's not that hard to deserve the right. People who are interested just send an email. I just want to make sure those who are reading are people I can identify. So don't worry you pervert. You'll get your occasional dose of smut :P

  47. shahidj
    November 23, 2010 | 1:47 am

    haha hilarious

  48. Jill
    November 23, 2010 | 2:36 am

    oh yes he did!

    and don't you worry, busy is a compliment in my book.

  49. Flying high in the sky....
    November 23, 2010 | 3:02 am

    take care… hope you are feeling alright now…

  50. ♥ The Lyrical Designer ♥
    November 23, 2010 | 3:56 am

    awwww, well thats just men, i tell ya. personally, i would prance about all day ( when the kids are off that is) in satin and lace and let him know what he's GOT!

  51. Pink Feather Paradise
    November 23, 2010 | 7:38 am

    I absolutely love it… I think perhaps we are mums and we are lovers… in between that we are cleaners and cooks.. obviously once we have accomplished all these tasks the rest of our time is our own to be ourselves…. what friggin time left over!?

    My other half of 14 years never tells me he loves me… never goes to hold my hand… never cuddles me for no return… Sometimes you wonder if its gone… the spark that made you strike up that first conversation when you met… now I think I am just his mother too! checking he has his lunch… worrying when he'll be home… wondering when I get my identity back… but on a lighter note… I do get to spend his money! ;D

  52. Jessica
    November 23, 2010 | 8:10 am

    So am I allowed to agree with Wayne? I can only say that because I've experience the exact same scenario in my home. You know that crazy book I reviewed a few weeks ago? I've been testing her theories and they work.

  53. Cool Gal
    November 23, 2010 | 8:39 am

    Bwahaha…"blue balls." I love it! Men just don't get it. There idea of "cuddling" is sticking their finger in your "you know what." I have the exact same complaint. No matter how many times I try to tell him about women, he just doesn't get it. Oh, and it's not you! It's men.

    Love the comment about blogging. I get it all the time. Somehow watching football all day is productive. Haha!

    By the way, I am hosting the most fabulous giveaway I know you will love. Please stop by when you get a chance and enter. :)

    Have a great day!

  54. Copyboy
    November 23, 2010 | 9:10 am

    Wow! No wonder you have a ton of readers. I love your raw honesty and dialogue. BTW…as a rep of the guy species I'd like to apologize. It's not your hubby's fault. That's just our genetic makeup.I'm sure your cuddleable.

  55. Steph
    November 23, 2010 | 9:53 am

    Hahhaha that's awesome!

  56. Jeni
    November 23, 2010 | 10:17 am

    For me, trying to remember those little conversations like that -"bedroom talk" (sort of), considering it's been a little over 30 years now since my ex and I divorced is really taxing on my old pea brain but when I do try to dig into that portion of my memories, the only thing that stands out is that might have run through my mind back then is something along the lines of the "blue balls" -just in a different context. Trying to get any kind of feedback- of a reasonable type -from my ex was next to impossible under any circumstances which probably is a good explanation then to myself -as well as to others -as to why we split up in the first place. Perhaps it even speaks to why he is now on wife #5 too. Ya think?

  57. Nicole
    November 23, 2010 | 10:43 am

    I want to be hugged, too!!! I bet if we huggless wives started spontaneously hugging each other our hubbies would get into the groove. Anything that reminds them of girl-on-girl tends to stick in their minds.

  58. anSeL
    November 23, 2010 | 10:56 am

    hahaha, so funny!
    busy is an underrated word.
    well, male and female has different thinking especially on emotions.

    have a nice day!

  59. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    November 23, 2010 | 2:17 pm

    Too funny! Scott says the same thing… he'll even go so far as to make a list of things for him to "watch out" for!

  60. Soccer Mom
    November 23, 2010 | 3:39 pm

    There's a blog award for you on my site you stylish girl!

  61. Eva Gallant
    November 23, 2010 | 4:24 pm

    Too funny!

  62. Bird Shit and Baby Caca
    November 23, 2010 | 4:30 pm

    Blog hopping can never be considered time wasted…it's very crucial to my work day. If I didn't blog hop, I might actually have to do work!!!!!

  63. Lin
    November 23, 2010 | 4:46 pm

    lmao…I think we've all been there! My husband used to say the same thing when I'd blog hop & he wanted something from me. Its like he could leave me alone while doing the laundry & cleaning but as soon as I'd sit & get on my blog he'd want all my attention. The way I fixed it is I got him a computer game. Now we're both on computers at the same time, haha. Men…sheesh!

  64. Uninspired Blogger
    November 23, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    ha ha ha!

    that's just hilarious!

  65. Madame DeFarge
    November 23, 2010 | 5:14 pm

    But its bad when all you get is cuddles and nothing else…..

  66. Rhonda
    November 23, 2010 | 6:57 pm

    Oh my gosh! This is awesome. He's probably thinking she's going to create some kind of blog tomorrow based on my his performance. Good thing you turned him down!!

  67. A girl needs 2 Talk
    November 23, 2010 | 7:52 pm

    :D :D This guy is surely LOVING this post!

  68. Myya
    November 24, 2010 | 1:52 am

    I loved your last line, that had me cracking up!!!

  69. Matty
    November 24, 2010 | 1:53 am

    As a man, and a husband, I have learned that my wife wants and needs attention in other rooms of the house. At different times of the day. Yep, learned it the hard way.

    Thank goodness she doesn't blog. LOL

  70. Ashes
    November 24, 2010 | 5:52 am

    HA HA HA HA HA!! I promise I never laughed so hard in SO long. Thanks sandra for the laugh I definitely needed that! "Oh, you bet your blue balls i am" – cuddle up man! I hate how guys aren't affectionate. I mean, a little cuddle time would be nice! But gotta be OUR men that only want the nookie when THEY want some.. what about US? Ladies got needs to!! dammit.

    Anyways, Happy Holidays to you and your family.

  71. Gawgus things...
    November 24, 2010 | 7:48 am

    I've just realised maybe I don't cuddle my better half as often as i should – must start right now! Thanks for reminding me :)

  72. KittyCat
    November 24, 2010 | 12:27 pm

    My sportsman has said the same thing. about me being too busy to ever slow down and just enjoy stuff. He always wants to cuddle.

    I never allow much time for it.

    Maybe I should re think it.

  73. Monkey Man
    November 24, 2010 | 1:41 pm

    Spouses and blog envy…I know it well. By the way. What is "waisting"? Grabbing someone by the waist? Some abdominal twisting exercise? Regardless, sounds like a waste of time to me.

  74. reni
    November 25, 2010 | 3:48 pm

    i love this post! thanks for stopping by my blog :) have a lovely day!

  75. Anonymous
    November 26, 2010 | 5:41 pm

    OMG your conversation sounds so familiar to me. Ho ho ho

  76. purplume
    November 26, 2010 | 5:42 pm

    That was me above. I pushed the wrong button.

  77. lisleman
    November 26, 2010 | 5:44 pm

    wow I learned long ago never to bet blue balls with a woman.

  78. Lisa
    November 27, 2010 | 2:17 am

    Oh my crap, that's funny! And who can get away with "you bet your blue balls"? YOU can, that's who! Love it!

  79. Busy Working Mama
    November 28, 2010 | 8:52 pm

    LOL men! They never get it. But I have to say, my husband has learned to come home, come up behind me and rub my tense shoulders immediately. It is heavenly. And it pays him many dividends…if I'm not too busy :)

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