High as a fricking kite!

Yesterday was a good day.
A very good day.
So good in fact that I feel compelled to blame my sudden and very enjoyable endorphin rush for my wacky, sometimes inappropriate behaviour… I know you’re finding it hard to believe I ever exhibit inappropriate behaviour…

My giddiness began when I was given the opportunity to promote a local small business by Clever Girls Collective.
Which, let’s face it, sort of makes me a celebrity in my own mind.

By mid-morning, I came to the very thrilling realization that the most difficult course of my nursing program is one lecture away from being complete…cue to the sound of angels singing “Hallelujah!”

And then, when I didn’t think I could get any happier, I got through my nursing skill lab, a classroom that sort of looks like this…


Image from http://www.nicholls.edu/nursing/facilities/

…in which the students can practice necessary and relevant procedures on a dummy, affectionately referred to as Jake.


Image from http://www.harford.edu/Nursing/NursingSkills.asp

In my hands, Jake usually dies.
Either from a medication overdose, asphixiation due to inadequate oxygen levels, infection due to unsterile catheterization techniques, and/or neglect.
And quite frankly, inserting a tube into a plastic penis freaks me out.

But this week, Jake lived!

With the help of my classmate, we zipped through each bedside scenario and saved the life of each and every Jake…
…well, with the exception of that one in which we had to insert the oral tracheal tube.
But that Jake had a big-ass tongue, and there was no way to delicately shove that trach in there.

So as I’m getting ready to leave the classroom, I am feeling TERRIFIC.
I mean I’m feeling so good, my stomach is fluttering with excitement and my face is flushed with pleasure.
Kind of like orgasm pleasure, minus the mess.

As I’m bouncing towards the door, I bump into one of my classmates, and due to my euphoria, my brain-to-mouth-filter temporarily misfires, and instead of saying, “I’m sorry!” I say, “You have really great tits!”
Well, she does.
Don’t worry though, I didn’t say it in a creepy way.
I was smiling kindly.

The girl, although slightly shaken, manages a quiet, “..ummm…you too!”

I don’t, though.
She was just being nice.

I flitter over to my next class, (the one that is one lecture away from being finito!) and listen attentively to the teacher explaining causes of urinary tract infections.
This particular teacher never minces her words, and so, to further reinforce the complications associated with a UTI, says, “Remember ladies, wipe front to back, front to back.”

Front to back front to back…

Well, that’s all I needed to send me over the edge of joyful madness.

I burst out laughing.
I mean, clenching-my-sides-tears-rolling-down-my-face-I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life-here-bring-me-another-vodka-rocks laughter.

But nobody else is laughing.
Just me.

Finally, my girlfriend Jen who is sitting next to me, says, “Wow…you really are in a good mood. I like it.”

Ok.

So I may now be labelled as the weird girl who laughs at references involving E.coli travelling from anus to urinary tract due to improper wiping technique.
But it seems, I’m more likable this way.

I can handle that.

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69 Responses to High as a fricking kite!
  1. Oilfield Trash
    November 24, 2010 | 4:04 pm

    I am happy to hear that Jake is alive and well.

  2. Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys
    November 24, 2010 | 4:10 pm

    Good for you :-)

  3. Kristina P.
    November 24, 2010 | 4:13 pm

    I'm trying to decide if I should ask for you as a nurse, or stay far, far away.

  4. Kara Hoag
    November 24, 2010 | 4:14 pm

    Although she was probably a little wierded out, you probably made great tits girl have a better day. Or at least gave her friends a good laugh.

    They better have laughed as hard as I did at that comment or she needs new friends. Seriously.

    karahoag.blogspot.com

  5. The mad woman behind the blog
    November 24, 2010 | 4:15 pm

    I really did not need to read this while eating lunch.

    Congrats, you've killed another patient!

    Good job! Seriously, good job. I admire your humor and stickwithit-ness
    And that's just wrong: word verification is "unsic"

  6. Krissy
    November 24, 2010 | 4:25 pm

    Yeah, what Kara said! I'm glad no one was in my office to see me bust out laughing at that comment.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

  7. Bouncin' Barb
    November 24, 2010 | 4:25 pm

    And this is why I gave you that 'freakin funny' award. You are!

  8. SSW
    November 24, 2010 | 4:37 pm

    This made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the smile! I too am thrilled Jack is still alive, and that him living gave you the same thrill as an orgasm! WOW I should this with my patients! lol

  9. Bird Shit and Baby Caca
    November 24, 2010 | 4:47 pm

    LOL I can't stop laughing about the nice tits comment!

  10. Maggie S
    November 24, 2010 | 4:49 pm

    Thanks for having that great of a day!

  11. ms. caboo
    November 24, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    very funny! It's always a relief to be thisclose to finishing a long and difficult class. Congrats!

  12. Travel Nurse Extraordinaire
    November 24, 2010 | 4:56 pm

    I've had moments like that nearly hysterical for just being in a good mood. Glad you saved Jake. Trust me a tough nursing program is worth it. Happy Thanksgiving!

  13. Bibliomama
    November 24, 2010 | 5:09 pm

    Laugh and the world will assume you're on controlled substances. And be jealous.

  14. Heather
    November 24, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    thanks for visiting and following me at Teens and a Toddler! I am following you back now…I am all ready for some side splitting laughter!

    I should be cooking but instead I am taking the few moments without the 2 year old I have to play on the computer!

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

  15. Terry
    November 24, 2010 | 5:36 pm

    Oh Sandra…this is hilarious!! I'm a nurse, have been for like 20 years…seriously, I am old….and I soooo remember those days!! Although we didn't have a Jake, we had a "portion" of Jake…yep, no full bodies unless you count Recussi Annie! Good luck! You can do it!

  16. female, I shit you not!
    November 24, 2010 | 5:37 pm

    You are insane…….BUT I say that in a good way. :0)
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

  17. Jeannie
    November 24, 2010 | 5:43 pm

    I am the inappropriate blurter in my family. No one appreciates it.

  18. The Adorkable Ditz
    November 24, 2010 | 6:08 pm

    I'm never saying I'm sorry when I bump into someone ever again!

    I can't stop laughing I nearly wet myself!

    Don't worry I remember the front to back method!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  19. Jessica
    November 24, 2010 | 6:34 pm

    I wish someone would tell me I had great tits. That would be the highlight of my life.

  20. -stephanie-
    November 24, 2010 | 6:54 pm

    I don't have a penis, so I would let you take care of me.

    Just when I think I can't laugh more at this post, I read on and laugh more. Funny stuff. Hope your high stays awhile.

  21. Kimberly
    November 24, 2010 | 7:57 pm

    Sounds to me like you're suffering from nursing dilerium. You know when your mind is stuffed with so much information that it's about to implode and it does in a fit of hysterical laughter. We may need to lock you up for a bit.

  22. Lin
    November 24, 2010 | 8:10 pm

    They are all acting like they like you because now they are scared of you. Really scared.

  23. Julianna
    November 24, 2010 | 9:58 pm

    Almost Hubs has learned when I have not gotten enough sleep is when I find him the funniest. While once he saw this as a blow to his self esteem, now he just sees my rolling-on-the-floor-wipe-the-tears-from-my-eyes laughter as an easy way for him to get laid.

    **giggles**

  24. Alessandra
    November 24, 2010 | 10:23 pm

    My girlfriend is going through nursing school, and I think she has the same classes you have, but I don't think she has 'Jake'. They actually get to work on real 'Jakes' who are so old though, you don't know if they're alive or dead…..Whatever works.

    Great post, you are really funny!

  25. Heather
    November 24, 2010 | 10:28 pm

    It could be funny…..if you are imagining the e coli on a little vacation or something.
    Look kids, the urinary tract. Oooooh.

  26. Copyboy
    November 24, 2010 | 10:36 pm

    Wow! Kens have no junk, but Jake's do? Happy E. coliious day!!!

  27. Shawn
    November 24, 2010 | 10:40 pm

    This is going right under my name from now on my personal emails.

    "And quite frankly, inserting a tube into a plastic penis freaks me out."

    Nice read!

  28. Mary Vaughn
    November 24, 2010 | 10:41 pm

    So glad you're happy and Jake is alive and well.

  29. Mamma has spoken
    November 24, 2010 | 10:44 pm

    This so reminds me when I had one of my sons and they had to cathetered me due to the inability to, you know, pee. The nurse looked down there and couldn't remember which 'hole' to put it in. Made me laugh since I JUST GAVE BIRTH! She had to go get another nurse to do it for her. It's been almost 19 years ago and I still remember the look of horror on that nurse's face when she looked at me down there.

    Keep this story in mind if you have to ever do the same thing (not to me we're done in that department)but to any other new mother you might have to catheterize. Oh and if you don't know which hole to stick it in, don't tell her, just leave quitely and bring back help or it will end up the story on someone comment section just like this.

  30. Charlene
    November 24, 2010 | 10:46 pm

    Poor Jake.

  31. Momma Jorje
    November 24, 2010 | 10:52 pm

    I love to compliment women on their tits! lol

    And I can totally see the amusement there.

    But then I'm one of those weird girls, so what do I know. ;-)

  32. beemii
    November 24, 2010 | 11:05 pm

    Oh you made me laugh, I probably would have killed Jake too, but atleast he's alive to see another day=_)

  33. Jill
    November 24, 2010 | 11:17 pm

    Phew. Jake owes you BIG TIME

    I like when you're in a good mood too FYI

  34. ANichols.Too
    November 24, 2010 | 11:44 pm

    When I was in nursing school I memorized the correct cadence for CPR compressions was the beat of Queen's "Another one bites the dust"…unfortunately it seems I have a tendency to hum along without realizing it.

    In the same vein, I had problems keeping my Mobitz heart rhythms straight until I came across a youtube video. From then on, I mastered it thanks to the wenckebach song. Got my my ICU job, actually because I knew them and the other candidate didn't. And after they hired me, if I saw it on a monitor I could call it out but: you guessed it–I hum it, too.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVxJJ2DBPiQ

  35. Ash
    November 24, 2010 | 11:57 pm

    "inserting a tube into a plastic penis freaks me out"…would have freaked jake more if he was not a dummy. >.<

  36. Saimi
    November 25, 2010 | 12:19 am

    Now that is happy!!

  37. The Tame One
    November 25, 2010 | 12:22 am

    Those Jakes are just creepy and as for the plastic penises *shivers*.

    Nothing like a good slap happy day!
    I'm glad you laughed. People need to do that more.

  38. Diane
    November 25, 2010 | 12:37 am

    I think it would freak me out to insert a tube into any kind of penis…plastic or otherwise!

    I could totally picture the girl's face when you told her she had nice tit's…"ummm, you too!" BwaHaHaa!

  39. Two Normal Moms
    November 25, 2010 | 12:38 am

    Nice tits and plastic penises. Too funny! And let's hear it for happy days!!
    -Ally

  40. Flying high in the sky....
    November 25, 2010 | 3:36 am

    i cant even begin to tell you what your post did to me!!! i BECAME happy as i kept reading it!! end of it .. i WAS HAPPY… thank you .. it meant so much for me..your happiness infected my soul too !!! i am soooooooooooo glad everything turned out so wellllllllllll………

  41. Lin
    November 25, 2010 | 3:47 am

    Wow a school full of chick with racks & plastic ding dongs…I need to sign up, lol. Glad you had a great day, even if you're entire class thinks you're strange as hell. And just think maybe Jake will make 'living' a routine thing ;)

  42. Cole
    November 25, 2010 | 8:31 am

    Telling that girl she had great boobs is something Mommy would do – and she frequently gets gasping-to-catch-breath-uncontrollable-giggles…

    Congrats on keeping Jake alive! :)

  43. Dad
    November 25, 2010 | 9:39 am

    As the owner of a real penis….weird or not, I'm glad y'all practice on the plastic ones!!! Instead of pics of Jake…maybe one or two of "Ms. Nice Tits :-) Great blog!

  44. anSeL
    November 25, 2010 | 9:56 am

    this made my day! hahaha
    i'll remember this later while i'm busy at work. :)
    have a nice day!fiat

  45. ClosedOnSunday
    November 25, 2010 | 10:16 am

    I had a nursing instructor who was crazy with the "Front to back" instructions. Our clinical dummy was named Juanita.

  46. Mama Zen
    November 25, 2010 | 11:53 am

    So glad that Jake made it!

  47. CkretsGalore
    November 25, 2010 | 12:40 pm

    Yeah the whole catheter in the rubber penis thing gweebed me out too!

  48. ShannonL
    November 25, 2010 | 1:25 pm

    I love your stories. You make me laugh and smile every day! And I am guilty of breaking out into uncontrollable laughter for no reason, too! Sometimes it's fun… Other times it's just plain awkward, but I can't stop!

  49. Pamela
    November 25, 2010 | 1:57 pm

    So, umm, you don't get to be a nurse until all the Jakes live, right? Just checkin';)

  50. LL Cool Joe
    November 25, 2010 | 3:00 pm

    I'm finding it hard to get past the tube in the penis bit…

  51. Gawgus things...
    November 25, 2010 | 3:16 pm

    Do all the Jake's have to live before you pass or is one or two not making it kind of the norm?! Just wandering what my odds are if I ever have to get treated for anything…!!

  52. The Meditative Mom
    November 25, 2010 | 4:48 pm

    OMG You're hilarious! Love your blog!

  53. Poppy
    November 25, 2010 | 5:26 pm

    Would you have been docked points for saying nice tits to Jake?

  54. A girl needs 2 Talk
    November 25, 2010 | 5:55 pm

    Oh, the happiness!!! You sound awesome!! :) :) :) High-five!!

  55. Mrs. Tuna
    November 25, 2010 | 7:07 pm

    I'm torn between thinking you could nurse me back to help or you would neglect me to work on your blog….

  56. Missy
    November 25, 2010 | 9:04 pm

    I think I used to Date Jake…

  57. bruce
    November 25, 2010 | 11:36 pm

    AWEsome post…

    and congrats to Jake…er i mean you for keeping jake alive…99% of the time…

    bruce

    stupid stuff i see and hear
    bruce johnson jadip

  58. Rita
    November 26, 2010 | 1:02 am

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I read this hysterical post and had to subscribe. :) :)

  59. MissEmy
    November 26, 2010 | 5:14 am

    Enjoyed reading this one!! Sounds like a lovely day! :D

  60. MacDougal Street Baby
    November 26, 2010 | 8:09 am

    I just decided I want to hire you for parties.

  61. Hilary
    November 26, 2010 | 8:59 am

    Congrats on not killing Jake! I am still laughing at the tits comment!

  62. purplume
    November 26, 2010 | 5:36 pm

    I remember a day in nursing school when we discussed diseases of the urinary tract. At break the bathroom was full. It was like everyone of us had to go after hearing all that stuff.
    It would have been welcome if someone had convulsed in laughter during the class.

  63. City Mom
    November 26, 2010 | 6:25 pm

    I just love days like that! Good on ya!

  64. Mrs4444
    November 26, 2010 | 10:05 pm

    You and I should be friends–I am not kidding when I tell you that I misread that as "anal tracheal tube." (We're both unstable individuals, apparently.)

  65. Semi-Slacker Mom
    November 26, 2010 | 10:15 pm

    You had me at high.

    Plastic penises & orgasms w/o the mess? Are you sure you were at nursing school? FYI: I can school you all you need on UTIs.

  66. Linda Medrano
    November 26, 2010 | 10:57 pm

    Sandra, I adore women who tell me I have great tits! Sometimes I show them how to use them to make a husband happy! They are happy to get the information and their husbands are happier because of what I told them. I figure any good broad who is nice enough to tell me that I have great tits is entitled to a little tip! That said, why do doctors put on your prescription bottles "take one tablet by mouth twice daily". I mean, excuse me. "By mouth" probably does not have to be explained to me. Does it to most people? I'm glad Jake lived! You rock!

  67. Lisha @ DeLovely Life
    November 27, 2010 | 6:18 pm

    Ha! That is awesome in so many ways. I can't even define all the awesome in that there story. :) Thank you for the humor injection.

  68. Blissed-Out Grandma
    November 27, 2010 | 8:52 pm

    Sandra, I am your newest follower. I've read a handful of your posts and thoroughly enjoyed all of them.

  69. Ginger
    November 30, 2010 | 3:43 am

    Edutainment as usual here! you rock.

    front to back
    front to back
    front to back

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