Dearest Dumbass

There’s been this blog topic floating around these past few days, and try as I might to ignore it because I’d much rather write about complete and utter nonsense I felt it important to tackle this one.
So without further ado, if I had the opportunity, here is what I would say to my 16 year old self.

  • Stop wearing the leg-warmers. You are not, nor will you ever be Madonna, or that chic from Flashdance.


Pic from
  • And while you’re at it, stop wearing 87 bracelets and 93 sets of fake pearls around your neck. Again, you’re far from being like a virgin, so quit pretending.
                                                                    Pic from
  • Thanks to the use of prophylactics, you have boobs. Enjoy them. Show them off! I don’t mean go topless ’cause I know that’s exactly what you think I mean. No, I mean wear a good bra that’ll accentuate the cleavage. Believe me when I say, you will never have this opportunity again in your life. Ever. Those boobs. They disappear. Poof.
                               Cartoon from
  • Eat. Eat whatever you want. Stop stressing over calories and fat grams. And for the love of everything that tastes good, stop drinking Tab.


  • You love anything that keeps you active. So here’s a great idea for your future: find a career that allows you to continue being active, ie. trainer, coach, phys.ed teacher. You may think you have all the time in the world, but believe me when I say that you won’t feel comfortable in the Faculty of Kinesiology, sweating right alongside the 20 year olds when you’re in your forties. You just won’t.

                                                       Pic from

  • The boy with the bright blue eyes that you pursued for many many years a long time, well, you never end up with him. So save your dignity, and quit stalking calling him. Nobody thinks desperation is attractive, not even in a wet tshirt.

                                                            No, this is not the guy with the bright blue eyes.
;                          But I couldn’t get this guy either.

  • Here’s a heads-up for you: in about 10 years you will walk into a bar in a small military town, and meet a guy who looks like he’s a lot of fun, but has, in fact, the IQ of a cumquat. Turn around. And run.

                                                                  Pic from

  • Never ever lose touch with your best friend. In the even that you are too much of an idiot to take heed of my advice and run for your life when you meet cumquat guy, you will end up marrying him, and as a result, be very miserable. Your best friend would make the entire ordeal a whole lot more bearable. And failing to make it more bearable, you could always count on her to liven things up. Just make sure you have a wine bottle, cumquat guy, and her in the same room. She will either drink the wine with you, or test its resonance on the top of cumquat guy’s head.
  • Now go out, have a great life, and remember: wearing panties is always a good idea.
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78 Responses to Dearest Dumbass
  1. Life As I Know It
    November 11, 2010 | 4:23 pm

    That was a great one. These are so fun – both to read and write.

  2. Lora
    November 11, 2010 | 4:25 pm

    ha! love it :)

    by the way, i gave you an award on my blog today. enjoy!

  3. Kristina P.
    November 11, 2010 | 4:27 pm

    What about crotchless panties?

  4. Bibliomama
    November 11, 2010 | 4:30 pm

    Words to live by. Although I still think my daughter looks cute in leg warmers.

  5. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    November 11, 2010 | 4:31 pm

    =) the youth is wasted on the young.

    'let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry' -mark twain.

  6. The Adorkable Ditz
    November 11, 2010 | 4:35 pm

    Things I would tell myself two years ago…what would I say?

    Keep riding your bike, just don't stop.

    Take care of yourself and stop worrying about band, it'll all work out in the end.

    You are a wonderful person and you well show it off soon.

    Things will not go the way you think with the relationship. Let it end and live life.

  7. Penny
    November 11, 2010 | 4:40 pm

    Fantastic! I think I will do one to myself lol. It may cause depression and irreversible nostalgia-itis, but what the heck lol.


  8. Heather
    November 11, 2010 | 4:41 pm

    That best friend advice is INVALUABLE!!

  9. Snuggle Wasteland
    November 11, 2010 | 4:43 pm

    I'm glad you clarified about Patrick Dempsey. I was going to insist on clarification. (After I recovered from swooning.)

    PS Tab is NASTY! (But I drank it, too.)

  10. kimert
    November 11, 2010 | 4:44 pm

    I can almost taste my mom's Tab… Lord knows I remember her "Tab's got sass and so do I !!" 1980s sweatshirt! LOL

  11. Diane
    November 11, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    I've been meaning to do a post on this too but haven't gotten around to it yet.
    I could have used much of this same advice when I was 16. Who the hell invented legwarmers anway? I had a whole big drawer full of those things!

  12. Bird Shit and Baby Caca
    November 11, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    I actually bought Tab recently because it was on sale and I gotta say, I liked it! LOL

  13. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    November 11, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    Very cute, I like the list. This has been going around a lot of late hasn't it? I am not posting about it because there are just far too many things my younger self could have done better.

  14. The Random Blogette
    November 11, 2010 | 5:19 pm

    I absolutely love this. My 16 year old self was a real dumbass too. I may need to tackle this soon also.

  15. Amy
    November 11, 2010 | 5:22 pm

    Great post for letting it all out.. Yeah. I know I will have hat hair until Spring but I love a good hat..

  16. theTsaritsa
    November 11, 2010 | 5:22 pm

    If only we could turn back time… By the way, how did condoms make your boobs bigger? Inquiring minds want to know!

  17. commonplacelife
    November 11, 2010 | 5:26 pm

    My sixteen year old self couldn't buy trouble(believe me I tried). I did stalk someone though. You have made me dread my own girls turning that age in a couple of years.

  18. Holly Ruggiero
    November 11, 2010 | 5:27 pm

    Yes, but would you have listened to yourself?

  19. A girl needs 2 Talk
    November 11, 2010 | 5:31 pm

    You make your letter so much more fun. I'd be cringing while writing mine. (attempting to write mine, rather. ugh.)

  20. Monkey Man
    November 11, 2010 | 5:33 pm

    I have been beaten to the key element of giving advice to a teenager – they don't listen. Ever. They may nod and smile, but they will make the same mistakes. How else will they learn and then become us. Love this anywho.

  21. Date Girl
    November 11, 2010 | 5:47 pm

    Omg, I laughed my butt of reading this. I think yours was by far the best letter to your 16yr old self I've read yet!

    I could not agree more about the boobs. Mine weren't huge but they were something, and I really didn't appreciate them enough. They have all but disappeared now. Sniff!

  22. Jeannie
    November 11, 2010 | 6:11 pm

    To my 16 year old self: Take the sciences!!!! (because I am having to take them now at 51)

  23. Linda Medrano
    November 11, 2010 | 6:21 pm

    My mother added "Don't go all the way in your new dress". I should have listened to that one. Then she told me not to marry a cowboy. I should have listened to that one too. Nobody ever told me not to marry an Indian so I did. And I'm glad! Great post, Sandra!

  24. Evonne
    November 11, 2010 | 6:24 pm

    Ha! I love this!

    I've been meaning to do a post like this myself.

  25. Mamma has spoken
    November 11, 2010 | 6:27 pm

    I don't even remember my 16 year old self…..

  26. Bouncin' Barb
    November 11, 2010 | 6:34 pm

    Would 16 year old you listen to you at your age today?

  27. That One Mom
    November 11, 2010 | 6:35 pm

    I especially love the last bit of advice about the panties!

  28. Just Plain Tired
    November 11, 2010 | 6:39 pm

    Sage advice, too often ignored in the teen years.

  29. ms. caboo
    November 11, 2010 | 6:59 pm

    amen, sister! Those leg warmers are ugly as shit.

  30. Shabbygalsnest
    November 11, 2010 | 7:00 pm

    Oh if only we could of. But we probably wouldn't listen to it at that age. Yes, panties are a good idea! Ecspecially at our age! Traci

  31. CkretsGalore
    November 11, 2010 | 7:02 pm

    But I like legwarmers!…ok I wear them under my jeans because I work in Northern Canada. Nuff said.

  32. Kara Hoag
    November 11, 2010 | 7:10 pm

    This made me laugh so much. Awesome post. I may actually steal your idea in a few days.

  33. Sparkling
    November 11, 2010 | 7:22 pm

    I love it but I don't know if I can admit enough of my youth to do this. And that lady with her leg up? That is so me at 70.

  34. The Chicken's Consigliere
    November 11, 2010 | 7:24 pm

    If I stop to thought about it, I'm sure I'd have some do overs, but the only main thing I can think of is "Chicken, stop taking yourself so seriously".

  35. daniela
    November 11, 2010 | 7:31 pm

    Except i would LOVE living in the 80s in order to wear leg warmers & pretend to be Madonna with layers of jewelry! :)

  36. bluzdude
    November 11, 2010 | 7:46 pm

    So that's what a kumquat looks like… I thought they'd be green.

    I'd tell myself to stop worrying about what every other pinhead classmate thinks about me and just have some fun. You can't please everyone, so there's no reason to try.

    I'd also tell me to check out the Produce Aisle once in a while so that one day when you're old, you'll know what a kumquat looks like.

  37. Shell
    November 11, 2010 | 8:10 pm

    But legwarmers are awesome! They should be brought back.

  38. Another Day of Crazy
    November 11, 2010 | 8:18 pm

    All mine would say is

    Dear Dumbass:

    Do NOT keep a journal that your parents will find, and ESPECIALLY do not write in there about the first time you had sex as a Senior in High School. Because your parents WILL find it, and they will kick your ass.

    That's all.

    Oh, and PS- do not marry Boy#1 OR Boy#2. You're not old enough to get alimony when you divorce according to state law, and for all they will put you through, you should get SOME kind of compensation.

    Thanks for saving your future self headaches and legal battles,

  39. JoJo
    November 11, 2010 | 8:39 pm

    Love the advise! If only we could have really given ourselves this advise in hindsight. I have to write one of these too!

  40. Chary Johnson
    November 11, 2010 | 8:46 pm

    This was absolutely hilarious! I would tell my 16 year old self to go to a state university versus a private college. I would have saved thousands of dollars.

  41. Anonymous
    November 11, 2010 | 9:05 pm

    Hum…. I think your best friend is scary… and you should give her a few $$$ for that story!


  42. Dutch donut girl
    November 11, 2010 | 9:10 pm

    I love your list.
    I would tell myself a lot of that too actually…

    I would add:

    Don't cut your hair short you look like a troll.

    Don't care too much what people think and keep being who you are now.

    Enjoy being the smart one. you won't feel like it for much longer :)

    Save your money! Save it! For the love of God, save!

    The days of only having to worry about homework and curfew aren't so bad. Stop rushing to grow up and enjoy being a teen because you'll miss it.

    Don’t pop your pimples – it’s gross and it WILL leave scars.

    Have a long hard think about what you want from your future career.

    Stop biting your nails. It’s gross.

  43. blueviolet
    November 11, 2010 | 9:14 pm

    I wouldn't listen to anybody, not even myself, at that age!!! I wore legwarmers too and drank Tab. Are we the same age?

  44. Terri
    November 11, 2010 | 9:20 pm

    Oh, the things I would LOVE to tell my younger self! :) But then I might not be who I am today, so… :) Anyway, great post!

  45. Kimberly
    November 11, 2010 | 9:31 pm

    The 16 year old you would probably look at you and pull off the headphones attached to the Walkman and say "Wha? Are you talking to me you dusty old fart. Is there a draft in here?"

  46. Deborah
    November 11, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    Me to 16 year old Deborah, "You are adorable. Don't you see that? And smart. And funny. I love you."

    Your list is great!

  47. Jessica
    November 11, 2010 | 10:01 pm

    You kept that pretty brief, you must have been a good kid. ;-)

  48. female, I shit you not!
    November 11, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    Don't take my Tab away no matter what age I get! :0)

  49. karensomethingorother
    November 11, 2010 | 10:10 pm

    Hmmm…16 year old karen…only slightly less cynical than 38 year old karen, but with WAY WORSE bangs.

  50. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    November 11, 2010 | 11:34 pm

    I resemble way too much of this post! Sadly…I resemble the cartoon the most. :::sigh:::

  51. Unknown Mami
    November 11, 2010 | 11:44 pm

    That was a fun read. I do think that you should lighten up on the legwarmers and bracelets though because the age of 16 is the only time you will be able to get away with those fashion choices. Might as well get them out of your system.

  52. bananas.
    November 11, 2010 | 11:51 pm

    love it! with a capital L!

    though i did conquer my blue eyed boy so what now? haha.

  53. Stacey
    November 11, 2010 | 11:58 pm

    I loved this! Too funny! Oh how I could add to this list!

  54. Booyah's Momma
    November 12, 2010 | 12:08 am

    I don't care what anyone says. Legwarmers were an ingenious invention. Hideous, but ingenious.

  55. Yvonne
    November 12, 2010 | 12:17 am

    Loved this! Cracked me up but took me back to my 16 year old era! Bahahahaha -that was my reaction back then too! lol

  56. SSW
    November 12, 2010 | 12:30 am

    Love this post! I would however want to go back and tell my 13 year old self what to do at 16 it would have been to late I was married with a kid by then!

  57. Ameena
    November 12, 2010 | 12:50 am

    Tab Tab Cola what a beautiful drink…Tab Tab Cola for beautiful people….

    Thank you for reminding me of this terrible song!!

  58. Jill
    November 12, 2010 | 1:22 am

    Cumquat LOL!!!!!!! Sandra, you really kill me. That's going to be my new word, I swear.

    Leg warmers are making a come back you know…

  59. Opto-Mom
    November 12, 2010 | 1:31 am

    Yes, legwarmers are back. My 9-year-old is excited. I. Am. NOT!

  60. Lourie
    November 12, 2010 | 1:51 am

    Patrick Dempsey *swoon* Ahem.

    I have seen this prompt around as well…and maybe I will play along next week. It's kind of fun. Hmmmm….first I have to think of that 16 year old girl.

    Your letter is awesome.

  61. Poppy
    November 12, 2010 | 2:25 am

    Now I know our mothers tried to tell us this shit when we were actually 16, but we weren't smart enough to listen. Well, maybe not the showing off the twins, but the rest of it sounds really familiar. We both have pre-teen girls, how do we make em listen?

  62. yogurt
    November 12, 2010 | 3:42 am

    Along the lines of pursuing a career that allows you to be active – I love my job but I have to sit all day to do it. I often entertain the idea of being the first walking psychologist. You get therapy plus you get exercise. And eliminates the expense of office rent!

  63. Queenie Jeannie
    November 12, 2010 | 3:50 am

    LOL!!!! This was a riot – bravo!!

    PS Tab sucks! Do they even make it anymore????

  64. Storm. Kat Storm.
    November 12, 2010 | 3:54 am

    Thanks for your comment on my blog.

    haha, I just read this post and I was literally giggling the whole time! the janitorial staff at my place of employment thinks I'm insane now, I'm sure. I wish we could really go back and have a chat with our younger selves sometimes. Might make life a little easier… but what can you do?

  65. Joanne
    November 12, 2010 | 8:47 am

    This absolutely made my life better this morning. Wearing panties – a good idea. For anyone. Always. It's just one more barrier to sleeping with kumquat guy. And let's face it. We all have a kumquat guy.

  66. InTheFastLane
    November 12, 2010 | 9:42 am

    Good things to know, even if you would have figured out how to wear underwear on your own ;)

  67. Kerri
    November 12, 2010 | 9:54 am

    This is hilarious…loved reading this! You are a funny girl! Thanks for stopping by yesterday and for your very kind comment!

  68. gopopgo
    November 12, 2010 | 10:20 am

    leg warmers and tab soda! Blasts from the past.

    Also, love that cartoon.

  69. MommaKiss
    November 12, 2010 | 11:16 am

    My 16 year old self was way cooler than yours.

    I jest.

    I was working and learning and basically trying to survive life as a senior. Ya. I was a senior in high school when i was 16. That was not easy. kids are jerks.

    love your leg warmers, tho – hot.

  70. Marla
    November 12, 2010 | 12:04 pm

    How I wish I had had this talk with myself about 40 years ago.

  71. Connie W
    November 12, 2010 | 12:05 pm

    Oh my gosh! I think you wrote this to my 16 year old self!!

    I married a kumquat and an orange. *connie slaps her forehead*

  72. becca
    November 12, 2010 | 8:08 pm

    love the maxine advice knew i should have bought the bra with extra support and to bad this advice was not given to my teenage self the trouble i could have avoided

  73. Busy Working Mama
    November 12, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    What exactly is Tab? Diet something? I honestly don't know what I would have told my 16 year old self. Oh OK maybe not to go to University of Chicago since it was dull as hell and caused me to graduate early and start working at age 21. I should have gone to a party school and lived it up. Oh well. Life if good!

    TGIF lady! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

  74. Eliza
    November 13, 2010 | 2:04 pm

    That was great :-) Thanks for your visit.

  75. Pamela
    November 14, 2010 | 11:22 pm

    I love it! Also? I totally forgot about Tab – thanks for the blast from the past!! *Sigh* if only we knew then what we know now…

  76. Myya
    November 15, 2010 | 4:14 am

    Wearing panties is always a good idea??? Hmmmm, I think that is a story that needs to be told! I love the idea of this post, it was really fun reading.

  77. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    November 18, 2010 | 8:57 am

    Luv this post.. Only I would totally wear the leg warmers and totally dress like Madonna.. You truly are young only once and dressing like Madonna was a lot of fun! :)

  78. Jean Has Been Shopping
    November 19, 2010 | 10:39 am

    This is a fabulous post to your 16 year old self. I enjoyed it very much.

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