Dance conferences make me horny!

Today and tomorrow my daughter is participating in something called Triple Threat Dance Convention. It’s a conference hosted by some of the world’s best choreographers.
Let me start off by reporting that, happily, no broken-legged child was forced to do a backtuck off the stage and bribed into landing onto her casted foot.

The day was not only a terrific experience for the children, but the mommies and daddies had a great time too.

The morning started off with a ballroom session hosted by Edyta Swilinski from Dancing with the Stars.

This is Edyta.


 Photo courtesy of http://blogs.suntimes.com/tv/dancing-with-the-stars/2008/09/

For our conference purposes however, picture her with even flatter hair, no makeup, and even less clothing.
Seriously.
I think she was wearing a bra and men’s briefs, but I couldn’t get a clear view for all the men huddled around the periphery of the dance floor.

Now picture Edyta doing the samba.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the samba, it’s a very sexy Brazilian dance.
How can I describe it?…It’s sort of like having sex.
Only standing up.

Although this particular genre of dance is completely inappropriate for 9-11 year olds, the parents in the spectator section were having a grand old time watching the sexy choreographer sway her hips, shake her ass, and grind her pelvis.
I’m not sure how the daddies in the room were holding up while Miss Swilinski was parading her practically naked self up there on the stage, but if I had to take a guess, the men’s room probably went through more handwipes than usual.

There was fun to be had by all, though.

This is Devon Perri. He’s a tap-dancer.


Photo courtesy of http://www.dancefactorymeadowvale.com/teachers.php

Who knew tap-dancing was a turn-on?
I didn’t.
Until today.

It’s hard to tell from the head shot, but trust me when I say that when this guy is dripping in sweat, and removing his tshirt to wipe his brow, all the mamas in the place were suddenly a little more attentive.

At one point during his dance session, Devon had an ever-increasing group of women congregating by the stage, batting their eyes at Mr. Sexy Tapper Guy.
He was kind of like the Pied Piper of Cougars.
Right before my very eyes, the band of sex-starved excited spectators had pulled out tap shoes from their purses (I could not make this shit up! No Poppy, I really couldn’t!)
There they all were, tapping their tightly clad asses next to Mr. Sexy Tapper Guy, vying for his attention.

Ok. I like to be noticed just as much as the next cougar.
But carrying tap shoes in my purse is where I draw the line.
And really, what were they hoping for?
Did they think Mr. Sexy Tapper Guy was going to select one of them to tap their way off into the sunset together?

…admittedly, they were probably tap teachers themselves, and were trying to nail the choreography to teach to their own students.
But no jazz, ballet, or hiphop shoes were suddenly pulled out of purses throughout the rest of the day, in other dance sessions…I’m just sayin’…

During the question/answer part of the day, when the kids had the opportunity to talk to the choreographers, one child asked, “What is the most  embarrassing thing that ever happened to you while you were dancing?”

Sadly, Mr. Sexy Tapper Guy lost a lot of appeal in the eyes of his admirers when he shared a story about how once during tap class, his buddies tricked him into eating a couple of pieces from an Exlax bar.
He goes on to elaborate that moments later, right in the middle of class, while he was tap-tap-tapping his little ass off, his little ass let go a great big fart.

I’m sorry, but I know I’m speaking for the entire group of horny middle-aged women, when I say that he lost us at: GREAT BIG FART.

We were all like, “What? He farts? Never mind then. I already got one that does that same thing back home, and at least that one takes out the garbage and mows the lawn.”

So yes, the lust was short-lived, but intense nonetheless.


Never doubt the desire of a woman willing to wear those ugly black patent leather tap shoes.

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61 Responses to Dance conferences make me horny!
  1. Ami
    November 6, 2010 | 11:35 pm

    "We were all like, "What? He farts? Never mind then. I already got one that does back home, and at least that one takes out the garbage and mows the lawn."

    Okay, that's funny.
    I can't imagine all the tap shoes coming out of the purses… how did you not laugh hysterically?

    I would have peed my pants. Seriously.

  2. The Adorkable Ditz
    November 6, 2010 | 11:48 pm

    LOL I can't believe it. Who goes around carrying tap shoes in their purse and then at the mere mention of fart gets uninterested?

  3. Portia
    November 6, 2010 | 11:53 pm

    OMG! You made me laugh out loud! Really funny!!

  4. Blasé
    November 6, 2010 | 11:54 pm

    "the men's room probably went through more handwipes than usual."

    Did the dancer make the men's hands sweat???

    Why do women pretend like they never fart?

  5. Ashley
    November 6, 2010 | 11:55 pm

    Holy shit that made me laugh, the line about the farts and having one of those already. Thanks for making my night! (I know, my life is sad)

  6. Matty
    November 7, 2010 | 12:05 am

    Aha! It works both ways. The men were ogling her, but the ladies were doing the same with him.

    Now, I'm going to go dance with my wife and see what happens.

  7. Just Plain Tired
    November 7, 2010 | 12:09 am

    But, does the one at home tap dance his way out when taking the garbage out? ;) Sounds like an interesting day you had though.

  8. BeMistified
    November 7, 2010 | 12:15 am

    OMG that is too funny! Yeah tap dancing doesn't take over taking out the trash and mowing the lawn…

  9. Tonya
    November 7, 2010 | 12:29 am

    I can just picture these women pulling our their tap shoes. Too funny! And when you find a guy that doesn't fart let me know! My guy is currently trying to start the trend that farting in public is cool. Heaven help me :)

  10. Quirkyloon
    November 7, 2010 | 12:42 am

    *snort*

    I know why the tapping turns you on. Think of the vibrating dryer. Tapping is a vibrating type of dance and vibrates ALL through the body.

    *wags eyebrows*

  11. Monkey Man
    November 7, 2010 | 12:53 am

    I'm just glad there was no buzz kill fart story about Edyta.

  12. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    November 7, 2010 | 1:28 am

    Wow.. He farts.. Seriously??? Aarghh! Did he not realize he was ruining the fantasy for all the cougars??? WTF??
    And the tap shoes in the purses? WTF?? Were they anticipating "Let's Make A Deal???"
    Who are these women and why are they not confined????

  13. Mamma has spoken
    November 7, 2010 | 7:16 am

    I'm confused,which doesn't take much to do any more, but, this was a conference for children dancers and it was the adults swarming the stage and putting on their dance shoes…..
    Sounds like some adults forgot the reason for the conference….

  14. The Jammie Girl
    November 7, 2010 | 7:19 am

    "Pied Piper of Cougars" – I am falling off my chair I'm laughing so hard here! I've got boys, but I might put them in dance class for that kind of entertainment!

  15. The Girlie Blog
    November 7, 2010 | 8:23 am

    Devon Perri looks yummy :O)

  16. Bouncin' Barb
    November 7, 2010 | 8:39 am

    Sandra…you are a riot. I like no love your sense of humor. It's much like my own. Male dancers are mostly gay anyway so the fantasy can only go so far. He just shortened it even further!!

    In case you didn't read my comment back to you, yes I am writing a book. Right now just throwing it all in a doc. After that, I have no clue what to do but I'm doing it.

    Barb
    http://bouncinbarbs.blogspot.com

  17. Deborah
    November 7, 2010 | 8:56 am

    The thought of Cougars tapdancing and giving jazz hands (hmm . . . now I'm thinking about the handwipes in the men's room! ish!) is making me lose my breakfast.

    That's okay! I'll do anything to lose a few pounds.

    ;)

  18. Heather
    November 7, 2010 | 8:59 am

    I got one that does that back home. ha! My thoughts EXACTLY!

  19. Nicole
    November 7, 2010 | 9:01 am

    I, too, love "Pied Piper of cougars."

    But let's have a round of applause for "How can I describe it?…It's sort of like having sex.
    Only standing up."

    Excuse me now while I go talk with my gassy, non-tapping hubby.

  20. Julianna
    November 7, 2010 | 9:02 am

    Really? These woman pull stinky shoes out if their purse, and are turned on by a fart? And I can't believe that you didn't tell them, with all your medical knowledege, that everyone farts/burps out at least 6lbs of gas a day. If not they'd explode.

    Then there'd be yummy pieces of him evreywhere. :)

  21. Bridget
    November 7, 2010 | 9:22 am

    Oh this is TOO funny!!

    We were playing Clue last night and my husband and son started having a farting contest which resulted in having to turn on the exhaust fan over the stove. Mr. Tap Dancin' Dude can stay right where he is… ;)

  22. SkippyMom
    November 7, 2010 | 9:41 am

    How did you get so lucky to find one that takes out the garbage AND mows the lawn.

    Mine won't mow the la….wait. We live in a townhouse. We don't have a lawn.

    Nevermind.

  23. bluzdude
    November 7, 2010 | 9:41 am

    I thought for sure that at the end of the Ex Lax story that fart was going to contain a little something extra.

    That said, Edyta can just stand there and breathe, and I'd be captivated.

  24. The Chicken's Consigliere
    November 7, 2010 | 10:11 am

    Well, what he lost in cougars, I'm sure he made up in 10-year-olds!

  25. Linda in New Mexico
    November 7, 2010 | 11:26 am

    You are a riot. I love your writing style….too funny….big fart huh….yeah that's a mood stopper. tee hee, The Olde Bagg

  26. Dutch donut girl
    November 7, 2010 | 11:40 am

    From horny to broken (windy) illusions.

    People who refrain from farting during the day, do fart voluminously as soon as they fall asleep.

    Yep.

    Sleep tight tonight.
    :)

  27. sapphireblue
    November 7, 2010 | 11:43 am

    I'm a sleep deprived new mom, but you just woke me up. You're hilarious!

  28. becca
    November 7, 2010 | 11:47 am

    lol..the whole fart thing just totally blew the whole mr. sexy thing but i'm sure there are lots of little boys who now think he is like the coolest thing ever

  29. Queenie Jeannie
    November 7, 2010 | 12:44 pm

    I love dancing – watching and participating!!! It's fun and great exercise!

  30. Kristina P.
    November 7, 2010 | 1:47 pm

    Maybe he farts unicorn dust?

  31. Diane
    November 7, 2010 | 2:09 pm

    "I'm sorry, but I know I'm speaking for the entire group of horny middle-aged women, when I say that he lost us at: GREAT BIG FART."…

    Laughing my A$$ off! I can always count on your for a laugh. Thank You!

  32. -stephanie-
    November 7, 2010 | 2:11 pm

    ANY talk about farts makes me laugh!

  33. Jumble Mash
    November 7, 2010 | 2:20 pm

    "Ok. I like to be noticed just as much as the next cougar." Made me LOL.

    So funny.

  34. Madame DeFarge
    November 7, 2010 | 5:14 pm

    Absolutely hysterical. I love the thought of him letting go of one in the middle of all of the women. Who says romance is dead?

  35. Linda Medrano
    November 7, 2010 | 5:52 pm

    Tap just isn't sexy to me. And most Latin dances are like sex standing up (not that I would know – oh who am I kidding, of course I know). The farting was bad, but it could have been worse when you think about it. I'm putting my tap shoes back in my bag right now.

  36. daniela
    November 7, 2010 | 5:52 pm

    No way you saw Edyta!! She's my fave :) )

  37. Opto-Mom
    November 7, 2010 | 6:17 pm

    It's ok! All men fart. You might as well go for the hot sweaty dancing farter. And it was Ex-Lax induced. Take your tap shoes next year!!!

  38. A girl needs 2 Talk
    November 7, 2010 | 6:46 pm

    :D :D He DID lose his appeal! :D

  39. Busy Working Mama
    November 7, 2010 | 7:02 pm

    Oh whatever, I fart, too :)

  40. Sparkling
    November 7, 2010 | 8:02 pm

    There is something weird that happens to artists- dancers, musicians, actors- that makes them think that they can just join in the fun in a situation like this and that everyone will understand, appreciate it and think they are just the awesomest thing ever. I don't know what it is. Can you imagine if the men had pulled dancing shoes of their asses and started dancing with Edyta up there?????

  41. Marla
    November 7, 2010 | 10:37 pm

    Oh my word! My sister drags her girl all over the world for dance, lucky for me. I get to hear these crazy stories on a regular basis.

    Love it!!

    PS…I thought everybody carried tap shoes in their purse. LOL

  42. JoJo
    November 7, 2010 | 11:38 pm

    Haha I love that he was the pied piper of cougars. But yea the farting seriously who does that?

  43. Kelley
    November 8, 2010 | 1:03 am

    That is hilarious! I liked how the mood of your story suddenly shifted after the fart part.

  44. Veronica
    November 8, 2010 | 1:26 am

    Oh yes, tap is sexy sexy. Actually, most dance is in my opinion. Although tap shoes in their handbag? No, that's not something you'd find in my handbag.

  45. SkippyMom
    November 8, 2010 | 2:41 am

    I felt the need to add…

    What size do you wear and where should I send the SEXY for you to stuff in your purse next year?

    I mean…really.. I don't want my sweetheart to not fit in at the next dance competition.

    I figure when you swing those bad boys out of your purse [matching of course] you can strategically knock out about 7 of them. [That would appear to be an accident. You know that. I know that. Security will figure it out.]

    Your front row seat will be assured. Better to smell the hottie's farts. Eh?

  46. Webster
    November 8, 2010 | 5:45 am

    My word, I cannot believe that Edyta dressed that scantily for 9-11 yr.olds. Poor taste. I thought his fart story was funny, too. It wasn't until later, well just now, that I'm thinking he might have been using the word fart as a euphemism.

  47. AmyLK
    November 8, 2010 | 10:17 am

    That was just way too funny!

  48. DCHY
    November 8, 2010 | 12:21 pm

    Well-written! You had me fighting to supress my giggles while at work. :)

  49. CkretsGalore
    November 8, 2010 | 1:05 pm

    BHAHAHAH
    Love the end to that. Yeah, mine can be quite the "room clearer," when he lets one blast. At least he gives me cuddles and rubs my tummy when I don't feel well.

  50. Dee
    November 8, 2010 | 3:39 pm

    pfffft. Rudeass behavior. hahaha

    I'm glad I only "fluff". Farting is for horses.

  51. Katy
    November 8, 2010 | 4:08 pm

    Okay… .that is just hilarious!

  52. Shabbygalsnest
    November 8, 2010 | 6:41 pm

    Oh how hilarious! Sandra, you had me LMAO! Traci

  53. slow panic
    November 8, 2010 | 8:41 pm

    i kind of like tap shoes.

    no i don't tap.

    really, why do men think it is always appropriate to tell a farting story?

  54. blueviolet
    November 8, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    Yeah, someone should tell him that's not the type of thing one should say when trying to tap that.

  55. Classy Career Girl
    November 9, 2010 | 12:54 am

    Sounds like such a great time for your children and for you! How fun!

  56. Poppy
    November 9, 2010 | 1:46 am

    I would never doubt you because you tell it like it is. Love Blueviolets comment, but unfortunately Cougar Town probably wasn't his target demographic to tap though it sounds like he had a lot of volunteers.
    Perosnally, I'd be ogling Edyta. That bitch is hot.

  57. The Blue Zoo
    November 9, 2010 | 2:17 am

    LOL Darn! So even the super sexy ones have stinky ass huh? Bummer!

  58. Mrs. Tuna
    November 9, 2010 | 8:55 am

    Okay, I hate Edyta on principal; my stomach hurts just holding it in reading this post.

    Thanks for following me :)

  59. KittyCat
    November 9, 2010 | 11:17 am

    Yeah I may get turned on by strange things but a fart is NOT one of them. Ewwwwwwww

  60. Ameena
    November 9, 2010 | 11:31 pm

    This post is so funny! And quite timely!

    I was just practicing Maya's spelling/handwriting and was trying to think of words to have her write out and guess what my brilliant husband's suggestion was? Yes, "fart" of course.

  61. Ginger
    November 10, 2010 | 2:40 pm

    You are too funny!

    Oh dear, Devon needs to change his agent. He needs a story to fit the sexy image – huge big fart doesn't…

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