Can't take him anywhere!

This is my daughter Zoé:

She is a dancer.

This is Wayne.
Her father.

He is very rarely serious.
Actually, anything remotely serious, ie. conversations, activities, parent/teacher meetings, make him even less capable of being serious.

This week, my daughter’s dance school has been hosting what is referred to as “Open House.”
This is just a fancy way of saying that parents can come into the classroom and “ewww” and “awww” within a few feet of their children, rather than being separated from them by a glass window.


Image from http://www.shelleyshearerdance.ca/prospective.html

So I am sitting inside the classroom watching the children go through their ballet steps.
It’s all terribly tedious, because really, it’s not even a recital.
This hour in the classroom is just for the parents to see and hear what exactly goes on behind the glass.
I, personally, don’t care.
I can see from the other side of the glass that my daughter isn’t getting beaten, ignored, or being used as a step-stool to reach the shelf on which the cd player is located.
I’m good with that.

Halfway through the class, Wayne arrives.
He comes clunking through the rows of chairs, his army boots (yes, despite 5 years out of the military he still wears the damn things all the time) thumping on the floor and banging against the metal chairs.

The teacher kindly asks him to please leave his boots at the door.

So he clunks and bangs his way back out of the room, removes his boots, and returns.

Finally he makes his way to a chair behind mine.

The other mothers aren’t really looking in his direction.
But really, why would they? Their eyes are riveted to their children.

So at one point, the teacher is telling the kids to practice this one particular step by holding themselves up on something.
She says, “You can practice this while your standing beside the table, your desk at school, even the kitchen counter.”

Cue to Wayne: “While eating a sandwich.”

I laugh.
Because it’s so stupid it’s funny.
But the other mothers are still staunchly looking forward.

The class continues on, fairly uneventfully.
Which surprises me because normally Wayne would have been poking his head between mine and the woman next to me to make ‘peanut gallery’ comments.
The ‘peanut gallery’ is surprisingly quiet.

I turn around to see something like this.

Obviously this is a picture taken in my house, but you get the idea.
So I give him a few pokes, and he wakes up, and mumbles, “I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinking about something really important.”

He does manage to stay awake for the remainder of the class.
But he’s been behaving himself for far too long.
I can sense something brewing in the air (no, thank God he didn’t fart, if that’s what you’re expecting, but with Wayne it can never be ruled out…that or loud belches, they’re both fair game in public places).

No.
He leans forward, pokes his head between the gaggle of mothers who are watching their future prima ballerinas with baited breath…

image from here

…and says, “I hope you’ve been watching carefully, because you guys are up next.”

Which, you just know, made this image explode into their minds:


…and scared the crap out of them…
Because really, how did they know he wasn’t right?

Finally, the dance class ends.

As people are exiting the room, Wayne can be heard saying, “I hope nobody stole my army boots.”


image came from here

We should be so lucky.

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79 Responses to Can't take him anywhere!
  1. Blasé
    November 26, 2010 | 11:32 am

    Unbelievable!..or Good LORD!

  2. female, I shit you not!
    November 26, 2010 | 11:34 am

    Chuckling my ass off.
    Wayne is a keeper, BUT the boots have to go. :0)

  3. ChiTown Girl
    November 26, 2010 | 11:38 am

    You are one lucky woman!! (And, NO, I'm NOT being a sarcastic smart-ass! At least not THIS time!)

  4. Deborah
    November 26, 2010 | 11:55 am

    Oh I disagree; I'd take him EVERYWHERE! So funny.

  5. Jason, as himself
    November 26, 2010 | 11:56 am

    He sounds like so much fun to be around! Way more interesting than these staunch ballet mothers!

  6. Kristina P.
    November 26, 2010 | 12:01 pm

    Ballerinas could use more of Wayne.

  7. SSW
    November 26, 2010 | 12:03 pm

    Funny post …love the funny chatter! You have a beautiful daughter and funny man!

  8. sapphireblue
    November 26, 2010 | 12:12 pm

    There might be an occasion to need those boots. Like kicking someone or squashing a bug.

  9. Mamma has spoken
    November 26, 2010 | 12:38 pm

    I like Wayne, he sounds like a no nonsense guy in a funny way. I've found with my son, that the military has done the same thing to him: made his sense of humor such that only certain people get it. Love that he came into class with those muddy boots! It makes such a statement about the whole thing.

  10. Oilfield Trash
    November 26, 2010 | 1:07 pm

    I like Wayne. He sounds a lot like me.

  11. Debby@Just Breathe
    November 26, 2010 | 1:23 pm

    Hysterical! Glad that you can still laugh at him or with him.
    Your daughter is beautiful and looks like a ballerina.

  12. 00dozo
    November 26, 2010 | 1:39 pm

    Yeah, Wayne. He's funny. I think you should keep him.
    ;-)

  13. Rita
    November 26, 2010 | 1:41 pm

    I am still giggling.
    Go Wayne!
    :) :)

  14. Gigi
    November 26, 2010 | 2:14 pm

    Hey, at least he livened up the practice!

  15. Canadianbloggergirl
    November 26, 2010 | 2:19 pm

    You know what is funny. I tell my friends when they're down in the dumps to think of me running through a field of daisy's with a tutu on. It usually makes them bust a gut!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  16. Holly Ruggiero
    November 26, 2010 | 2:26 pm

    At least you'll always have laughter in your home and that's a good thing.

  17. The Tame One
    November 26, 2010 | 2:48 pm

    Every ballet class needs a Wayne. It can be stuffy in there.

  18. Unknown Mami
    November 26, 2010 | 2:56 pm

    He sounds hilarious!

  19. The Adorkable Ditz
    November 26, 2010 | 3:14 pm

    Well what a better way to brighten up the mood with those sadistic mothers than bringing your husband? Honestly he sounds like my dad. Maybe all dads do sound alike.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  20. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    November 26, 2010 | 3:25 pm

    Aw, you are both great parents to show up and watch; I'm sure it meant a lot to your daughter! And, I brt she's even happier her parents aren't stuffy and boring :)

  21. Cole
    November 26, 2010 | 3:43 pm

    Wayne sounds a lot like my Uncle David… This story and the accompanying pics made me laugh!

  22. Alessandra
    November 26, 2010 | 4:02 pm

    I really think Wayne is a keeper. A funny man is a hard thing to find, you're blessed!

  23. JoJo
    November 26, 2010 | 4:08 pm

    bahahaha as per usual your stories always make me laugh!

  24. becca
    November 26, 2010 | 4:13 pm

    hahahaha i absolutely love your hubby's sense of humor that was priceless i can see all those frightened mothers

  25. Kara Hoag
    November 26, 2010 | 4:51 pm

    I love the stories about the ballet mothers. I have had to take me niece to ballet a couple times and I can't stand sitting there!!!

    Go to my blog to get your award, by the way. It's a waitin' there.

    karahoag.blogspot.com

  26. BeMistified
    November 26, 2010 | 5:03 pm

    OMG too freaking hilarious. I have to find me one of those lol

  27. A girl needs 2 Talk
    November 26, 2010 | 5:04 pm

    :D :D Sandra, Wayne sounds just like my Dad!! And I know you love him!! :D

  28. The Chicken's Consigliere
    November 26, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    Was he the only dad in the place? I'm guessing yes. That tells you something.

  29. Bouncin' Barb
    November 26, 2010 | 5:31 pm

    Sounds like something my hubby would have done Sandra. Therefore, I already adore your husband because he makes you laugh. I bet you guys are a great match in a bar together!!! Wish you lived closer!

  30. purplume
    November 26, 2010 | 5:32 pm

    Your daughter looks so much like you – both beautiful. Her eyes are different though, no lollipops.
    I see why your husband is a keeper – to liven things up.

  31. Bouncin' Barb
    November 26, 2010 | 5:32 pm

    Sounds like something my hubby would have done Sandra. Therefore, I already adore your husband because he makes you laugh. I bet you guys are a great match in a bar together!!! Wish you lived closer!

  32. lisleman
    November 26, 2010 | 5:48 pm

    that was a great line – they should have the parents go out there and practice. They kids would love it.
    Now this is really easy for me to say because I don't have any kids in ballet class.

  33. Missy
    November 26, 2010 | 6:06 pm

    LOL! I have had those moments! Too often!

  34. sybil law
    November 26, 2010 | 6:10 pm

    (Our daughters have the same name – sshhh!)

    I think Wayne sounds like much needed comedy relief! :)

  35. Fran
    November 26, 2010 | 6:25 pm

    That was great fun. A big laugh. He must be a scream to live with. In oh so many ways.

  36. Thisisme
    November 26, 2010 | 6:30 pm

    Your daughter does look like you Sandra! She looks like a real ballerina. Stomping about in the army boots was really funny!

  37. Mynx
    November 26, 2010 | 6:32 pm

    Now I wanna see Wayne in a Tutu and his army boots. Very funny post. Thankyou

  38. CkretsGalore
    November 26, 2010 | 6:38 pm

    What is with men and their uncanny ability to nap on the spot??
    When I saw that picture of Wayne sleeping, I thought it was my fiance! Bastard strikes that same pose whereever he can plant his ass. lol
    I'm just jealous.

  39. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    November 26, 2010 | 7:22 pm

    What an adorable picture of Zoe!

    Wayne sounds a lot like my husband. I appreciate the comic relief, even when he make me laugh at inappropriate times. :D

  40. Jess
    November 26, 2010 | 7:42 pm

    Ha ha! I love it.
    I gave you an award! Go check it out!
    Jess

  41. Snuggle Wasteland
    November 26, 2010 | 7:48 pm

    Gotta love a husband with a sense of humor. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping The TO alive.

  42. Lin
    November 26, 2010 | 7:48 pm

    Thank god for Wayne, I say. I hate all those stuffy parents at those things. And I'm usually the one having fun and making an ass of myself while they are all clucking their teeth at me. Go Wayne!

  43. Mamabear
    November 26, 2010 | 8:49 pm

    hah! So awesome. Your daughter is such a pretty ballerina!

  44. Bibliomama
    November 26, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    But you meant 'oooooh' and 'ahhhhh', not 'ewwww', right? Or was one of the ballerinas picking her nose? :0 (Sorry – am I Wayneing?)

  45. Jessica
    November 26, 2010 | 9:00 pm

    You have a gift! Thanks for sharing it with the world.

  46. Doreen McGettigan
    November 26, 2010 | 9:09 pm

    I am laughing so hard; he sounds just like one of my son-in-laws!
    Thank you for stopping by and following me I am happy to be following you now!

  47. Julianna
    November 26, 2010 | 9:57 pm

    We were at the mall tonight and my youngest was just about to whine about something, when he opened his mouth and instead let out this completely unexpected disgusting, loud, burp.

    I don't think it's just Wayne you can't take anywhere… it's boys in general.

  48. Mrs4444
    November 26, 2010 | 10:03 pm

    I love him already :) (Reminds me a lot of Mr.4444) It's great to meet you both. (and your daughter is adorable :)

  49. Linda Medrano
    November 26, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    I'm glad my husband Alex was not at that recital. I know Alex would have swiped those army boots. Alex is retired from the air force and he still wears those fucking boots too!

    By the way, your Zoe looks like a ballerina! My grandson would fall in love with her in an instant. She's beautiful, a dancer, and best of all she wears glasses. Glasses are his biggest turn on with pretty girls!

  50. Mrs. Tuna
    November 26, 2010 | 11:42 pm

    In my life he would have had sweaty gym feet smell on him too.

  51. Jill
    November 27, 2010 | 12:05 am

    Humor is the sexiest quality a man can have.

  52. Yvonne
    November 27, 2010 | 1:40 am

    This made me giggle! A lot!

  53. Flying high in the sky....
    November 27, 2010 | 2:19 am

    so ticklish… i kept giggling in my mind..

  54. Opto-Mom
    November 27, 2010 | 2:53 am

    Sorry, but Wayne ROCKS! Army boots and all!

    My hubby (whose middle name is Wayne, coincidentally) went to the town Christmas lighting ceremony tonight. They had a couple of dorky guys hosting, and they were trying really hard to be funny. Wasn't working out so well, though.

    Well, at one point one of the dorks says, "That was a joke." My husband blurted out, "I'm glad he told us…we haven't heard one in so long, I forgot what jokes sounded like." UGH! Can't take him anywhere either!

    And my husband was wearing golf shoes. I wasn't sure if that was important.

  55. MissEmy
    November 27, 2010 | 4:39 am

    LOL! It sounds like you've got yourself a comedian. :D

  56. Dad
    November 27, 2010 | 9:04 am

    I don't get it? Wayne's behavior seems perfectly reasonable to me…and having served 24 years in the military, I can tell you…there's not a more comfortable shoe than a good pair of combat (not army) boots :-)

  57. Eva Gallant
    November 27, 2010 | 9:24 am

    Oh, Wayne is definitely a keeper; the boots, not so much.

  58. Tay Talk
    November 27, 2010 | 11:44 am

    Hey, at least there is never a dull moment and many laughs are made!

  59. Copyboy
    November 27, 2010 | 11:48 am

    Wayne is the guy you had trouble get all mushy with? HE'S AWESOME!!! You have to do more posts about his military boot stompin' ways. BTW…your daughter looked like a prima ballerina. :)

  60. TechnoBabe
    November 27, 2010 | 12:18 pm

    Your husband and mine must be cousins. They sound so much alike.
    You sound like you accept all his bodily noises and his mannerisms and love him for it. So maybe you and I are cousins instead.

  61. Kimberly
    November 27, 2010 | 12:23 pm

    I don't like these hob knobs that you have to deal with at the dance studio. I think they need a bag of flaming poo sent to their door step. Try stomping that out sans army boots betches.

  62. Sugar
    November 27, 2010 | 12:37 pm

    sugar was here..;)

  63. dawn
    November 27, 2010 | 2:06 pm

    hey thanks for stopping by my blog.
    the secret to sugar free pie is…
    sugar free cherry pie filling.
    1 can of that and about 2 cups of cherries I picked from a tree, pitted and froze at the end of summer. Dad loves it and with his diabetes I try to make something he can eat without guilt.
    1 suggestion… do not try the sugar free pumpkin pie recipe… it was… not good is putting it mildly.
    Oh- maybe you can pay someone to steal his boots next time?

  64. yogurt
    November 27, 2010 | 3:31 pm

    He and my husband would get along very well.

  65. Bridget
    November 27, 2010 | 5:31 pm

    Teehee! Wayne sounds like such a riot and your daughter is gorgeous!

  66. TinaM
    November 27, 2010 | 7:01 pm

    He sounds GREAT! :)
    Aw your daughter is so pretty!

  67. Mama K
    November 27, 2010 | 7:39 pm

    I would have definitely turned around to check out the "peanut gallery" and laughed :)

  68. Saimi
    November 27, 2010 | 8:00 pm

    And they say girls just want to have fun…I say Wayne KNOWS how to have fun!

    By the way, your daughter looks adorable!

  69. Blissed-Out Grandma
    November 27, 2010 | 8:37 pm

    What a great story. You gotta love a guy who keeps things from getting too serious. Zoe is adorable, and she has very graceful hands and arms.

  70. Day 2 Day Living
    November 27, 2010 | 9:26 pm

    That is hilarious!
    I don't know how you hold it together because I would've been bent over, holding my stomach laughing.

  71. Alex
    November 27, 2010 | 10:07 pm

    LMAO!!!! that was great.. you must have lots of stories like these right??? You should post them all.

  72. Kelley
    November 28, 2010 | 1:11 am

    That really cracked me up. Those boots…the fact that he said he hoped no one stole them was hilarious. I can see that the two of you are an awesome, funny couple! Alllll the time, right? Always laughing? You've just got to be!

  73. Myya
    November 28, 2010 | 1:42 am

    I would have cracked up! My daughters ballet class is soooo not stuffy, all the moms would get a kick out of him for sure!

  74. ShineTheLight
    November 28, 2010 | 8:21 am

    Absolutely brilliant, I laughed from the moment he came into it..He is just like my boyfriend. I cannot actually take him anywhere…love this soooo much! Your husband is a social genius! x

  75. Kim
    November 28, 2010 | 2:24 pm

    Thank you for the laugh! My daughter is a dancer at an uptight studio and I am surrounded by those ballet moms constantly. They are the bane of my existence! Can I borrow Wayne to come liven up our studio?!?!?

    PS…thanks for the sweet comments on my blog. I see that you're a nursing student so you know what's going on around here. Sucks, big time!

  76. Sparkling
    November 28, 2010 | 8:24 pm

    You know, there's something to be said that the dance academies have figured out how to keep the helicopter parents away and they mean it. NO spying except that one time a month. How is it that all of the soccer teams and every other activity that has the buttinski parents hasn't figured out how to force the once a month you can see them rule??? Go dancers!! The world would be a different place right now if parents would just stop watching their kids do every single thing, every waking minute of their lives.

  77. Busy Working Mama
    November 28, 2010 | 8:59 pm

    Hmm…Wayne sounds like my Adam, sans the army boots (thank god) :)

  78. Brenda Susan
    November 28, 2010 | 9:15 pm

    Loved. Every. Word!

  79. Pennie
    November 29, 2010 | 10:24 am

    You have a way with words! (And with describing dance recitals and what they're REALLY like!) ROFL!

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