You want me to bear down how?

I am currently doing my nursing rotation on the pediatric ward. Of course, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I fall in love with two of the four children I was caring for.
One seventeen month old little guy captured my heart when he insisted I smell his stinky feet…come on, baby feet are ke-u-te!
The other little girl, two and a half months old, would cry whenever I would try to put her back in her crib. Of course, I spent the remainder of my shift performing my nursing duties with this little princess packed snuggly under my arm.

Just thinking about these two babies makes my uterus bulge.

I came home and updated my Facebook status to this:
“If I stay on the pediatric ward, one of two things is going to happen: 1. I’m going to want another baby or 2. I’m going to want another baby.”

I got a few “likes” from people who know I’m already a lunatic with four kids so what’s a couple more.
And I got a comment from a woman who said that I should reread my blog before I make that kind of decision.
To which I replied, “What do you mean by that?”

Because really, what does she mean?
Did she not realize I was kidding?
Did she mean that according to my blog I’m stretched as far as I can be?
Was she insinuating that I couldn’t handle another baby?
Does she mean that another baby would cut into my blogging, and she would hate that? “No, please! No more babies! I love your posts far too much to have to go without them!”
That’s probably exactly what she meant.

My friend Sandy, however, pointed out: “Maybe she means the post where you sneezed and peed a bit, no telling what would happen after another baby!”
Sandy is so smart. There is no telling what would come flying out of me after a 5th pregnancy and delivery: Aaaaaachoo!
Shit!
There goes my spleen!

This of course got me thinking to the changes my body has endured from four pregnancies and four deliveries.

1. I have no more boobs…I’m pretty sure I had some before, not big ones, but enough to fill out the A cup.

2. Peeing my pants whenever I sneeze and cough.

3. The inability to sleep deeply or through the night because I wake at every little creak, whisper, or mouse fart, because I’m still conditioned to fear that my baby will stop breathing in the night, even though the last baby is now seven years old.

Then that got me thinking to my actual labours. I’ve not yet gone into great detail about my labours, but I have mentioned that they were pretty easy.
My worst one was the first, and that’s mostly because my ex apparently didn’t realize what I meant when I shrieked calmly said, “My water broke and I can feel the head.”

I honestly don’t remember pushing the child out of me, but I remember that when I told him that we had to leave for the hospital, the ex turned over in bed, and said, “In a few hours. I need more sleep.”

I remember finally getting him out into the vehicle for the 30 minute drive to the hospital, and while I was gripping the dash during contractions, he looked at me and asked, “I’m stopping for a coffee. You want anything? Donut? Hot chocolate?”
And because I was concentrating on not pushing the windshield out with my bare hands as I “hee-hee-hoo-hoo-ed”, I did not tell him that he should:

1. pour burning hot coffee over his retinas

and/or

2. shove that donut up his donut hole

Labour with my fourth baby, and a different husband (’cause I like variety that way), I had a different experience.
When I told Wayne that my water broke, he immediately sprinted to the vehicle and backed it right up to the door of our house, taking out entire flower beds and leaving a big ol’ skid mark in our lawn.

But the bottomline is, when that baby is crowning and you want the pain to go far far away, it doesn’t matter who the man is.
When you look at him and he pats your hand, and reassuringly says, “Almost done,” the urge to shout, “I’ll tell you what’s almost done! Your life is, asshole!” is stronger than the urge to push.

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73 Responses to You want me to bear down how?
  1. Ashley
    October 3, 2010 | 4:21 pm

    Ha! You're hilarious. :)

  2. Madame DeFarge
    October 3, 2010 | 4:24 pm

    All of this reminds me why I didn't want children. Thanks!

  3. K(Banterings of a Basketcase)
    October 3, 2010 | 4:28 pm

    oooh- my ex, who is not a bad man, drove 55mph the whole way to the hospital. Luckily, baby #2 was folded in half and backwards or he'd be named Chevy after the truck he was born in.

    I too get baby urges. For a while I filled them with kitties. Now I can't have babies because I have been spayed and I can't have kitties cuz my dog would eat them, so I crazily volunteer to babysit!

  4. BeMistified
    October 3, 2010 | 4:30 pm

    I get those baby urges, but I am spayed and well it will never happen! I am grateful for that. Don't get me wrong I ♥ kids, but it's awesome when they are passed the baby stage and can actually do stuff for themselves.

  5. Bouncin' Barb
    October 3, 2010 | 4:30 pm

    I can't even see straight to type…i'm crying. You are too funny. This was great.

  6. Mr Monkey
    October 3, 2010 | 4:33 pm

    Thats was good !
    Mr Monkey

  7. Cheeseboy
    October 3, 2010 | 4:34 pm

    You are so funny. Sounds like you have a very cool job too.

  8. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 3, 2010 | 4:45 pm

    OMG, you're too funny!

    hey check out my new look, its pretty great!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  9. sissyann
    October 3, 2010 | 4:58 pm

    Hilarious! Love it! I can still remember after being in labor for 20 hours and then ending up with c section my sweet husband had slept the entire night on the fold out bed. When he woke up at me he said" oh man, my back is killing me" Really, I just got cut open and had your daughter ripped from my belly. :)

  10. Ami
    October 3, 2010 | 5:01 pm

    I do not get the desire for more babies. I had two. Loved them madly. DO NOT WANT more.

    Of course at this point there'd be a star in the east if I got PG.

    But it sounds like you have a wonderful heart and that your chosen career will be perfect for you.

    Just don't get pg.

  11. Matty
    October 3, 2010 | 5:04 pm

    My wife sneezes and pees too. Heck, she even pees if she laughs too hard. And she can't remember the last good night's sleep she had.

    And we men can't win. In certain situations, ANYTHING we say will be the WRONG thing. LOL

  12. CkretsGalore
    October 3, 2010 | 5:25 pm

    Eeek…I'm crossing my legs right now.

    I can't believe the ex stopped…for coffee.
    WTF

    I know this pediatric nurse, and apparently she's good at what she does but man, she is the bloody worst with children outside of work.

  13. Widow_Lady302
    October 3, 2010 | 5:25 pm

    I got spayed before I had kids, but hearing you (and your commentors) describe it makes me want to get a tattoo on my hyster-scar that simply reads YAAAAAAAAAY!

    Sneezing and peeing…after 4 kids? That gives me a whole new understanding about that Douggar lady with 19 and counting or whatever. It makes me wonder if when she sneezes everyone has to put her back together like a reverse operation game!

    Love your writing!

  14. Jill
    October 3, 2010 | 5:31 pm

    Stupid current husbands? Best.Tag.Ever! I can totally see how working with babies would make you want more. It's instinctual! I'm encouraged to read your labours got easier…

  15. Holly Ruggiero
    October 3, 2010 | 5:51 pm

    I really don't know how to respond. But cheers to babies – they are awesome

  16. gayle
    October 3, 2010 | 5:51 pm

    That's so funny!! How weird I was thinking about having babies just today!! I loved being pregnant!! Wish I had had more……2 wasn't enough!

  17. Amy J - Book Addict
    October 3, 2010 | 5:54 pm

    LMAO! After three C-Sections which one I endured 16 hours of labor with no progression, I am freaking done with kids! If I ever get the urge for one, I just look away from my computer and watch the kids fighting and screaming. Nope, nada, no more!

  18. Kristina P.
    October 3, 2010 | 6:14 pm

    You forgot the most important reason. Babies are trying to inflitrate America and stage a baby coup.

  19. ChiTown Girl
    October 3, 2010 | 6:26 pm

    This reminded me of my darling ex-husband, who fucking went home while I labored hard for 19 fucking hours!!! To quote him exactly – "No reason we should BOTH be up all night." ARGH!

  20. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    October 3, 2010 | 6:30 pm

    i love the tags on this post hahaha i'm pretty jealous of your job! and i cant even imagine having a kid, let alone four. i told my husband about your sneezing and accompanying reactions. he laughed for a while and said 'that's freakin awesome.' haha

  21. Evonne
    October 3, 2010 | 6:43 pm

    Too funny! I think I was ready to scream the same thing to my husband for both deliveries!

    I have quite a few pregnant friends. Baby fever is starting to kick in, but I don't think it will lead anywhere.

  22. Anonymous
    October 3, 2010 | 6:58 pm

    Some people should just stick to reading the Bible… your blog seems to be upsetting them! Moi qui pensais être matante encore!!! Wouaaaahaha!!!

  23. Julianna
    October 3, 2010 | 7:43 pm

    All these reasons and more, are why I will not have any more children. Except, maybe, the 44 year old one I'm planning to marry. ;)

  24. Jessica
    October 3, 2010 | 7:55 pm

    I had to lay my head down on my desk b/c I was laughing so hard. My husband most likely thinks I'm insane now.

  25. Busy Working Mama
    October 3, 2010 | 8:13 pm

    Aww, I think that's so wonderful that the hospital kids have a loving mom around like you to cuddle them.

    Get you some of those Stride panties that are on all the blogs these days. They rock. I don't have the pee problem (only pushed out 1, and she's gonna be a Lonely Only) but with irregular cycles they help me sleep better at night as the time of the month approaches so I don't worry about having to scrub sheets at 3am.

  26. Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli
    October 3, 2010 | 8:15 pm

    My mom volunteers at the children's hospital. Pretty sure she pretends the babies are hers while she rocks them and feeds them and reads to them.
    I didn't push my babies out but the urge to yell at someone was still pretty strong.

  27. Monkey Man
    October 3, 2010 | 8:28 pm

    We dads are so well meaning but so stupid in the delivery room. Maybe they should place a switch activated electrical device to our balls while we are in there so our wives can "Push" empathy our direction….if you know what I mean.

    Four?!? Mrs. MM said two is more than enough.

  28. Portia
    October 3, 2010 | 8:35 pm

    Nothing like a sniss to make you rethink the having another baby thing!

    I am making my pregnant daughter read this post! Hysterical!

  29. Quirkyloon
    October 3, 2010 | 8:49 pm

    You're funny, m'dear! In case no one has mentioned that to you lately!

    *grin*

  30. Snuggle Wasteland
    October 3, 2010 | 8:52 pm

    I get those baby urges every once in a while. They're little propaganda machines with their cuteness and good baby smell. Thank God The TO saw Mack The Knife the day after Spawn #2 was delivered. Best day of my life. (When he saw Mack not when I had #2.)

  31. The Girlie Blog
    October 3, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    You are so funny. When I gave birth, I was screaming anf crying because so nervous and I hated my husband. Told him I changed my mind and to take me home. But all changed after my daughter came out though.

  32. Pamela
    October 3, 2010 | 9:43 pm

    OMG I can totally understand why your ex is your ex – stopping for donuts during labor? I beleive that alone is grounds for divorce! Then again, you have a point – pretty much anything a man does while we're going through childbirth could be rationalized as good enough reason to dump their asses!

  33. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    October 3, 2010 | 10:32 pm

    I'm realizing now my husband is a total saint that I don't deserve. I never wanted to kill him, even once we past hour 30 of labor.

    But your ex? Deserves to be beaten with a heavy stick.

  34. Jo
    October 3, 2010 | 10:44 pm

    I have a friend who is in labour as we speak, and I wouldn't change places with her for anything. I have volunteered to babysit, however.

    Do mice fart? I hadn't actually thought of that. Little squeaky mice farts…

  35. Jason, as himself
    October 3, 2010 | 10:46 pm

    I don't think I've read any nursing blogs out there, although I'm sure there are some. I like your writing and your blog looks like a fun place to be.

    Thanks for commenting on The Jason Show today. I will see you again soon!

  36. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 4, 2010 | 12:04 am

    :D :D Your last line will have me giggling for longer than you can know!

  37. mrs.boring stay at homer
    October 4, 2010 | 12:15 am

    What a great post, what a great blog! Thanks for stopping by my "place" and I will certainly be coming back here to visit!

  38. Minnesota Mamaleh
    October 4, 2010 | 12:27 am

    ohmyfreakinggod you are hilarious!! and it's all a little too close to home– rest assured things would have been *mostly* the same with only 3 babes! :) so glad to have come across your blog tonight!

  39. ♥The Sweet Life♥
    October 4, 2010 | 1:31 am

    Thank you! Glad to hear Italian would be semi-easy for you. lol Actually it's just the regular words I'm teaching. haha Hope you have a great day!

  40. Chocolate Covered Daydreams
    October 4, 2010 | 1:48 am

    I would love the kind of job where I can get my baby snuggling and then relax and realize that they aren't for keeps, aka lots of responsibility. I'm no longer in the baby making phase so I can breathe hopefully, without peeing my pants again.

  41. MamaOnDaGo
    October 4, 2010 | 1:52 am

    Now I know why the ex-husband is an ex-husband. What a jerk! He would have made him suffer. A friend of mine actually pulled off some arm hair off of her husband during labor.
    Glad you found Wayne! He sounds like a keeper.

  42. Lyn
    October 4, 2010 | 2:59 am

    I'm like you with having variety with accompanying husbands. My ex came with me, via McDonalds, for my firstborn and talked the whole time with the midwife about soccer. With son #2 he and the midwife periodically told me I was making too much noise.

    My daughter's birth, with different husband, was fantastic in comparision. At home, lovely midwife and my husband held me up because I was in a kneeling position.

    Know what you mean about sneezing. I try not to do that too often ;-)

  43. Rachel
    October 4, 2010 | 8:34 am

    Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa (ninjiom-hk.cwahi.net) may be another solution to cough. i know a lot of people use it, its also non alcoholic, though it's effectiveness is not as good as alcohol based cough medicine, but it's still good to use on not so serious cough and sore throat.

  44. Kelley
    October 4, 2010 | 10:15 am

    Hahaha!! That cracked me up. I love the hot coffee in the retinas visual. I love the donut hole in his donut hole visual. You have a way with words! You seriously make me laugh. Have tons of more children so that they can all say they have a hilarious mother. More kids in the world need to be able to say that.

    Sidenote: I'm glad you enjoyed by "Queens of Leon" in "Steak on Fire" song. :)

  45. Heather
    October 4, 2010 | 10:45 am

    I agree on all points……wanting another one, what it does to your body, less than perfect ex husbands and pain!!!

    I feel ya!

  46. Danielle
    October 4, 2010 | 10:49 am

    Ok, as usual, you are hilarious! Seriously, what's one more. I say go for it! LOL

  47. Semi-Slacker Mom
    October 4, 2010 | 12:52 pm

    Good story. I would laugh, but then I'd pee.

  48. ~J
    October 4, 2010 | 1:23 pm

    Love this post!

    I'm the same way..if I worked with babies, I would have 100 of my own. Granted my husband would have left me after 10…I'd probably still find a way. Kids have a way of doing that to you.

  49. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    October 4, 2010 | 1:54 pm

    I'm only at 3 and already appreciate the inventor of Depends.

  50. SoccerMom
    October 4, 2010 | 2:18 pm

    1. kudos to you for being able to work in a maternity ward.

    I am one of those moms that can only stand her own kids.
    I only have two and there is no desire to ever have any more.

    I think if you love kids, then have another one. : )

  51. Jennifer Juniper
    October 4, 2010 | 3:08 pm

    Oh my big toe.. you are cracking me the hell up!!
    I like variety like that, and would love another cute little cuddly baby, but the hubs likes sleep too much and keeps reminding me that I do too.

  52. daniela
    October 4, 2010 | 6:08 pm

    Oh how i love some people's dumb reactions to my facebook status updates LOL You just crack me up hardcore :)

    Which is also why i just gave you a blog award! Check it out – http://dkeveryday.blogspot.com :)

  53. Mamma has spoken
    October 4, 2010 | 7:02 pm

    Hum, now I'm wondering if I was the dumb lady who post that on FB for you…. I really do need to check on that…..

  54. Just Plain Tired
    October 4, 2010 | 7:22 pm

    All the things you brought up to think about before having another baby are worth pondering. But I'd imagine they're not really that important if you truly want another child. The woman who commented about thinking perhaps should think before posting herself?

  55. The Mayor!
    October 4, 2010 | 7:35 pm

    Geez, here we go again you & I lol…I thought I was the only one who LOST her boobs after a decade of nursing….my kids don't believe the photos of the honkin' C cups are really me, now that my pancakes don't even fit in to my daughter's training bra…f**k. And both my neighbours have new babies, the first time I held the one, I unexpectedly burst in to tears…I've avoided them like the plague ever since! I know damn well if I won the lottery tmrw, baby #5 would be here within 10mnths!! :-D

  56. Diva
    October 4, 2010 | 9:08 pm

    It's people like you that have made it possible to get through having a seriously sick kiddo in the hospital. Thank you!

  57. Holly
    October 4, 2010 | 10:57 pm

    I think I would have SMACKED HIM and tell him if he gets coffee you will POUR it on his PRIVATES!! GAH!!! Yeah… my first was an A$$, too!

    Thanks for taking care of these sweet ones!! Makes me think back to when my youngest had heart surgery at 18 months! Some of the staff felt like family!! That REALLY helps them through! You're AWESOME!! ;D

  58. Another Day of Crazy
    October 4, 2010 | 11:45 pm

    My uterus expanded, just reading the title! Then my scheduled 'snip snip' came back to mind as you mentioned your ex. Yep, that'll do it. Kids are wonderful. Ex's are not.

  59. I Wonder Wye
    October 4, 2010 | 11:54 pm

    Never had the biological clock tick for me — thankfully…but kids are fantastic – just not mine, 24/7…

  60. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 5, 2010 | 12:41 am

    Love this post. Thanks for the laugh!

  61. Opto-Mom
    October 5, 2010 | 2:48 am

    Babies are soooo sweet! Let us know when you're knocked up again! LOL

  62. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    October 5, 2010 | 9:00 am

    I have baby urges myself at times. Even though I'm really not in the mood to start over. My youngest being almost 17 and all. So, my next hope is grandchildren. That way I can give them back when I'm bored with them. But I can wait. My kids needs jobs that can support them so I don't have to. I just want to hold them and smell the back of their necks. God, I love that baby smell.

  63. Jumble Mash
    October 5, 2010 | 11:03 am

    I gave you an award!! Check it out!

    http://jumblemash.blogspot.com/2010/10/oh-stop.html

  64. Kristy
    October 5, 2010 | 2:29 pm

    Well, there you go, you just reminded yourself again of why you don't really want to get preg. Now go enjoy the babes you work with! :)

  65. Shell
    October 5, 2010 | 2:31 pm

    I would have been so annoyed by that comment on facebook.

    Even though I know that's not your main point, but I get annoyed by stuff like that.

  66. Leigh
    October 5, 2010 | 5:17 pm

    Thanks for reminding me why I don't want another one – I needed that…

  67. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    October 5, 2010 | 6:51 pm

    Sounds like our friends- he stopped in at work to unlock a cabinet and almost didn't get her there in time!

  68. Pragmatic Spector
    October 5, 2010 | 8:10 pm

    Haha when my mother switched from being a regular RN to a RN in maternity, she had the same thoughts as you except she's already way past menopause so i kinda felt bad but hey if it happens it happens! And I'm sure that person meant that "piss dribble" post and wasn't commenting on your parenting skills whatsoever. By the way I gave you a lovely blog award! http://pragmatismisawesome.blogspot.com

  69. kim
    October 6, 2010 | 2:18 pm

    thanks for stopping by my blog. yeah all kinds of gross stuff happen when I sneeze after 6 of them.

  70. Lisa
    October 7, 2010 | 1:09 am

    Very funny post! I laughed out loud.

  71. Raven
    October 8, 2010 | 9:46 pm

    The fact that your husband survived your first birth astounds me. lol

  72. Donda
    October 10, 2010 | 1:04 pm

    That was great and I am just wondering is your ex still alive? Because I am pretty sure he wouldn't have lived through the coffee run!

  73. Lourie
    October 14, 2010 | 8:37 pm

    "Pour burning hot coffee on your retinas!" LOL That is about as close as it gets!

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