These are some of the things I wish….
I wish my ass stood up.
Like a 19 year old’s. I watch those adolescents at the studio where my daughter dances, and I’m always like, “Man I wish my ass didn’t drooped. I don’t deserve a droopy ass.”
I do so many squats each day, sometimes I’m quite literally stuck in a squatting pose.
We’re talking a wide, low squat…like a baby-could-fall-out-of-me-while-I’m-working-the-fields kind of squat.
And still my ass won’t perk back up to it’s old 19 year old self.
I wish I could do hip-hop.
Better yet, I wish I owned a pair of hip-hopper’s pants.
Then you couldn’t tell I have a droopy ass because it’d be hidden in a pair of pants where the crotch hangs down to my knees…
…you might be able to see the crack of my ass in a pair of pants like that though, but that’s ok, my crack is good.
I wish I could walk in heels. I mean, we’re talking about tower-high heels.
Actually I should rephrase that: I wish I could walk in heels without tipping over and killing myself.
Heels make your legs look long and sexy.
And they make your ass look perky even when it’s not…you guys seeing a trend here?
I wish Pillsbury hadn’t put a warning not to eat raw cookie dough on their labels.
Like I don’t have enough food phobias thanks to the Discovery Channel and its “I ate a taco in Mexico and now I have maggots growing in my left frontal lobe” programs.
It’s cookie dough! It’s processed cookie dough!
What the hell could happen to me if I ate it raw?
What could possibly come shooting out of my butt? Worms? Parasites? The Pillsbury Dough Boy?
And finally, I wish a giant piece of chocolate cake covered in chocolate icing would appear right now.
Ok. That didn’t actually work. And it certainly wouldn’t help with the perky ass thing either.