A tribute to nice asses everywhere!

These are some of the things I wish….

I wish my ass stood up.
Like a 19 year old’s. I watch those adolescents at the studio where my daughter dances, and I’m always like, “Man I wish my ass didn’t drooped. I don’t deserve a droopy ass.”
I do so many squats each day, sometimes I’m quite literally stuck in a squatting pose.
We’re talking a wide, low squat…like a baby-could-fall-out-of-me-while-I’m-working-the-fields kind of squat.
And still my ass won’t perk back up to it’s old 19 year old self.

                          

I wish I could do hip-hop.
Better yet, I wish I owned a pair of hip-hopper’s pants.
Then you couldn’t tell I have a droopy ass because it’d be hidden in a pair of pants where the crotch hangs down to my knees…
…you might be able to see the crack of my ass in a pair of pants like that though, but that’s ok, my crack is good.

I wish I could walk in heels. I mean, we’re talking about tower-high heels.
Actually I should rephrase that: I wish I could walk in heels without tipping over and killing myself.
Heels make your legs look long and sexy.
And they make your ass look perky even when it’s not…you guys seeing a trend here?

I wish Pillsbury hadn’t put a warning not to eat raw cookie dough on their labels.
Like I don’t have enough food phobias thanks to the Discovery Channel and its “I ate a taco in Mexico and now I have maggots growing in my left frontal lobe” programs.
It’s cookie dough! It’s processed cookie dough!
What the hell could happen to me if I ate it raw?
What could possibly come shooting out of my butt? Worms? Parasites? The Pillsbury Dough Boy?

I wish I hadn’t been so busy this past weekend that I couldn’t even find the time to shower.
When I bumped into a friend from school and she said, “I’m tired,” I replied, “I’m stinky.”

And finally, I wish a giant piece of chocolate cake covered in chocolate icing would appear right now.

Poof!

Ok. That didn’t actually work. And it certainly wouldn’t help with the perky ass thing either.

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75 Responses to A tribute to nice asses everywhere!
  1. JennyJenJen
    October 18, 2010 | 5:52 pm

    oh you *know* im all about this post! ; ]

    you look amazing, shut your face betch! Oh, and whereeee can i get one of those awesometastic shirts with a unicorn shitting cupcakes?!?!?! delightful.

  2. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 18, 2010 | 5:54 pm

    I recognize the butt-trouble. But I'm going to head towards chocolate cream biscuits with sugar coating. Any hope? Does magic happen? Do affirmations work? I hope yes. :)

  3. Kristina P.
    October 18, 2010 | 5:54 pm

    OK, I must get that shirt for my friend. I am presenting at a blog conference, and am creating a fake blog to use in my slideshow. My blog is called "Unicorns Are People Too."

  4. Mynx
    October 18, 2010 | 5:56 pm

    I wish I had a ass like that too. Especially at Zumba class so when I "shake it" the earth didnt move so much lol

  5. CkretsGalore
    October 18, 2010 | 6:00 pm

    I wish I HAD an ass or at least a little meat in the middle then I'm able to sit comfortably longer in airports.

  6. Gigi
    October 18, 2010 | 6:02 pm

    Well, since we are wishing over here – I wish a huge pile of money would land in my lap. That would resolve a lot of my other wishes!

  7. Sunshine and Summertime
    October 18, 2010 | 6:07 pm

    haha! Great post! You always make me laugh :)

  8. The Girlie Blog
    October 18, 2010 | 6:09 pm

    Yes! I want a piece of chocolate cake too! With whipped icing and ice-cream please!

  9. FeliciaE
    October 18, 2010 | 6:16 pm

    I feel you both on wanting an ass like that and wanting the chocolate cake. Why can't we have both? It is so not fair.

    I gave you a blog award on my blog so come check it out.

    http://www.livingjustlikegrandma.com

  10. MamaOnDaGo
    October 18, 2010 | 6:17 pm

    You always make me laugh! Love the graphic pics too. Why is the picture of the sniffing armpit lady still making me giggle? I hear walking in high heels messes up your feet. The illusion of a nice ass but the reality of ugly feet is something to think about.

  11. Janet
    October 18, 2010 | 6:19 pm

    I wish my ass wasn't the last thing people see when I walk out of the room. Not the image I want to leave them with, ya know?

  12. Baby Sister
    October 18, 2010 | 6:19 pm

    Oh how I totally agree with you on the last one!!

  13. Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli
    October 18, 2010 | 6:20 pm

    I'll tell you what will happen if you eat Pillsbury cookie dough- you're ass will droop.

  14. Another Day of Crazy
    October 18, 2010 | 6:21 pm

    I spent the weekend walking up and down hilly streets, and now my ass is killing me. I'd rather not have a perky ass than work out. I can't see it, doesn't bother me! :)

  15. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 18, 2010 | 6:33 pm

    Perky ass or not, you're still funny as hell, and that my dear is worth more than any perky butt!

    Check out my giveaway!
    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  16. Gail
    October 18, 2010 | 6:40 pm

    Right there with you! Thanks for the laughter.

  17. Sherri
    October 18, 2010 | 6:45 pm

    When you are 19, you just don't appreciate the ass that you have. Until you are much older, and it's gone.

    And I totally agree on the cookie dough thing. I mean, does anyone actually cook that stuff? Pretty sure they are just covering their asses…which aren't nice, I'm sure.

  18. Lourie
    October 18, 2010 | 7:02 pm

    Stupid gravity! That's all it is. I tried on a pair of super high tower heels–my husband dared me–at six feet I do not need heels, but why not. BEcause I nearly killed myself "walking" in them!

  19. Bouncin' Barb
    October 18, 2010 | 7:07 pm

    Sandra…Back in the day I had an ass that JLo would envy. And I used it to the best of my ability. Now I've retired it to the Bouncin Barb's Butt Rest Home. It's still not bad but I must have ingested too much yeast because it doubled in size and I can't punch it down. I hear ya though sister.

  20. Gigi
    October 18, 2010 | 7:10 pm

    OMG have I missed visiting over here!

    Sorry I've been MIA. Running that blog challenge for 5 weeks and I read nary a blog.

    Glad to be back and getting some serious laughs with you!

    I don't have hip hop pants but I'm doing a hip hop exercise video on Exercise on Deman these days. I look like an asshole.

  21. Jana @ An Attitude Adjustment
    October 18, 2010 | 7:11 pm

    Where did you find these oh-so-freaky pictures! Oh my!

    My ass isn't perky, but at least it's not the first place I gain weight. That can be a good thing, right? And if I wear a certain kind of jeans, things look okay back there.

    I wish I could squat with my feet flat on the ground. Can you?

  22. Mamma has spoken
    October 18, 2010 | 7:15 pm

    You know there is a thing you can buy that will lift your ass back up? It's like a bra for your butt cheeks…

  23. Yandie, Goddess of Pickles.
    October 18, 2010 | 7:19 pm

    I wish I didn't care about my disproportioned ass.

    I wish I had a time I could look back on when my ass was nicely-shaped and perky. It's just never happened.

    That chocolate cake is sounding pretty good.

    I also wish that I could wear heels without my ankles feeling like they are about to burst through my skin.

    Great Post!

  24. Linda Medrano
    October 18, 2010 | 7:22 pm

    I only wear heels, so that parts good. It does pick my butt up a little bit, but not all the way to perky! I'm with you on the cake, dear.

  25. Jumble Mash
    October 18, 2010 | 7:39 pm

    I'm with ya on everything! Especially the cookie dough!

  26. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 18, 2010 | 7:43 pm

    What's with all these blogs I read and cupcakes today?!

    I wish my as was nice like any other 19 year old. Mine is droopy too, too much studying…

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  27. Monkey Man
    October 18, 2010 | 7:53 pm

    Bring on the cookie dough. If it kills me at least I will die with a smile on my face.

  28. Snuggle Wasteland
    October 18, 2010 | 7:57 pm

    If I ever win the lottery I'm going to look like a contestant on The Swan. Imma get me a butt lift, boob lift, lipo, nose job and whatever else I can think of.

    For now I'm just drowning my sorrows in the Halloween candy.

  29. Jessica
    October 18, 2010 | 8:11 pm

    I eat the cookie dough anyway. I even make my own, then freeze it, then eat it… just so I know if I get sick it's totally my fault.

  30. Nicole
    October 18, 2010 | 8:19 pm

    Woman, me too! I want boo-tay. Not flat, cottage cheese cheeks.

    Great post.

    And I want cake.

  31. Nicole
    October 18, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    Oh, and I always eat the cookie dough. Why else would they have those sphincter shaped ends? Clearly it's for collecting the perfect amount of dough to add another dimple to my bottom. You can't make a respectable cookie with the sphincter bits, might as well eat them.

  32. Julianna
    October 18, 2010 | 8:24 pm

    My butt is so non perky I could probably sit without bending my knees. :) On the plus side, Tomorrow's my birthday so there's cake everywhere in my house.

    stop on over, I gave you some love the other day. :) -J

  33. Poppy
    October 18, 2010 | 8:34 pm

    In my mind you have the ass of a 10 year old boy. I'm sticking with that.

  34. female, I shit you not!
    October 18, 2010 | 10:25 pm

    Look at it like I do.
    One hundred years from now who in the Hell will know. :0)

  35. Ameena
    October 18, 2010 | 10:31 pm

    That T-shirt pretty much sums it all up – I need to have one!

  36. Truthful Mommy
    October 18, 2010 | 10:40 pm

    Bwahahaha! I'm sure your ass is Mommy fabulous!Be glad you are not inflicted with Mexican flat bootie disease which, I must admit, is one of my crosses to bear.Keep on doing your squats, one of these days that ass of yours will stand up and take notice.On that day, maybe your ass can talk to my tits and tell those bitches to go back to their rightful places.Under my neck, no trying to secretly cuddle up to my belly button!Argh! happy Mothering and ass fabulizing!

  37. **** April ****
    October 18, 2010 | 11:18 pm

    OMG I don't know what was funnier — your post or the photos with it! Bwa ha ha ha literary greatness my friend!

  38. BeMistified
    October 18, 2010 | 11:49 pm

    OMG a cupcake pooping unicorn?!

  39. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 18, 2010 | 11:59 pm

    There are worse things than a saggy behind…like…a chest that you can tuck into your belt. Yeah. Aging sucks. :)

  40. The Zany Housewife
    October 19, 2010 | 1:05 am

    I wish I had the unicorn shitting cupcakes t-shirt. Gimme.

    I also wish my husband didn't shove my head into his armpit (that picture brought it all back…major pit PTSD) when I asked "what's that smell?"

  41. Diandra
    October 19, 2010 | 3:26 am

    Concerning the cookie dough – I guess they're concerned about the egg stuff (not real eggs anymore) they put in there… nothing too bad. Hey, why not make your own cookie dough? That way you can make sure everything's fresh.

    (On the other hand, my sisters and I sometimes lived on raw cookie dough for days, and we're still alive and healthy. So feel free, go ahead…)

  42. Lily Johnson
    October 19, 2010 | 3:28 am

    Hahahaha! Comeon! I am sure it is not that bad. Love the post and thanks for your comment on my last post. You are hilarious!

  43. Juniper
    October 19, 2010 | 4:24 am

    Never mind the squats, go for long walks, preferably with hills, it's great for the butt and you get fresh air!

    JX

  44. Doc
    October 19, 2010 | 7:40 am

    HA! great post!

  45. AmyLK
    October 19, 2010 | 9:04 am

    I have a piece of chocolate cake I can send you! Great post

  46. Deborah
    October 19, 2010 | 9:04 am

    You're hot – it's okay. Keep doing the squats! Your butt is better than you think.

    Now, let's talk about my hail-damaged ass. Or not.

    :)

  47. SkippyMom
    October 19, 2010 | 9:16 am

    Two words: butt implants. They're the new black. ;)

    I have never had an ass – so I don't even worry about it – I could wear a 12 year old boys jeans and still have room in the [non existent] butt area I am so assless.

  48. TKW
    October 19, 2010 | 9:25 am

    I NEED that t-shirt! That's hysterical!

    My ass droops too :(

  49. Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades.
    October 19, 2010 | 11:31 am

    I have been working in my droopy ass for about 3 years now. It still droops!
    And those heels?? Yeah right!
    I'd bust my droopy ass in those things!
    Thanks for stopping by!
    <><

  50. Teisha
    October 19, 2010 | 11:39 am

    A unicorn shitting cupcakes? Genius!
    Squats are the devil's handiwork, and my inner thighs didn't get the memo they were supposed to shrink when I went on a diet. I just lost my boobies. Major sads.

  51. Just Plain Tired
    October 19, 2010 | 1:27 pm

    Now you've got me wondering if my ass has drooped. I don't think guy's have asses that do that though. I gotta find a mirror now, and then become limber enough to see my ass in said mirror.

    Ah, to hell with it, I'm gonna eat some ice cream instead.

  52. twelvedaysold
    October 19, 2010 | 1:28 pm

    …Where'd you get that picture of me doing a squat?

  53. Me, myself and I
    October 19, 2010 | 1:37 pm

    Hilarious. I wish I could come up with posts like this!!
    Jess

  54. Sparkling
    October 19, 2010 | 2:12 pm

    MIne sticks out too much. LIke a booty. Sometimes I'd like it flatter. I do a lot of butt exercises and sometimes I think all that lifting has just made it a lot bigger!! I'd like a piece of Devil's Food cake please!!!

  55. Catherine
    October 19, 2010 | 2:26 pm

    The last pair of high heels I wore gave me such a charlie horse cramp in my leg that the only thing that made me feel better was eating raw cookie dough. ;)

  56. Carmi
    October 19, 2010 | 3:00 pm

    You are quite possibly the sharpest and funniest blogger I've ever read. Thank you for making my day!

  57. Cinner
    October 19, 2010 | 3:32 pm

    You are hilarious, you always make me laugh with the way you look at life. thank you.

  58. SoccerMom
    October 19, 2010 | 5:02 pm

    Yeah, I wish my boobs were perky like a 20 year olds
    as for the cake, STAY away!
    it can only be b a d for you.

    just sayin

  59. Madame DeFarge
    October 19, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    I like different genetics. Because I blame my mother.

  60. Kimberly
    October 19, 2010 | 6:43 pm

    I literally just choked on the cookie dough I was eating. You mean to tell me it's not healthy?! I thought that the cookie got all it's calories and fat when it gets cooked into gooey heavenly deliciousness. I thought I was doing my saggy ass a favour. Frack. I've been eating raw cookie dough for nothing.

  61. Busy Working Mama
    October 19, 2010 | 8:20 pm

    Damned you. Now I feel the urge to go do some squats. Pretty sure my ass isn't perky.

    But on the bright side I can walk on 4 inch heels and carry a 30 pound kid on one arm and 3 grocery bags on the other, coupled with a heavy purse on my shoulder. Surely that means I can skip the squats, huh??

  62. Pamela
    October 19, 2010 | 10:17 pm

    I'd take the perky butt over being able to walk in heels, I think. Also, I take back getting pissed off overhearing a co-worker (yeeaars ago) saying he was checking out my ass & legs. Sigh. Haven't heard comments like that in a very long time.

  63. The Frisky Virgin
    October 19, 2010 | 11:22 pm

    Love this post! Yeah, I love raw cookie dough, but why do they have to scare the living daylights out of us with those dang specials? And, um, did they really put a warning on the label? I, uh, never checked. Oops. I still can't help myself from nibbling on cookie dough. :/ Oh well.

  64. Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom
    October 20, 2010 | 12:10 am

    You are too funny! I agree with everything you said. And there is no cake magically in front of me either! Boo…

    Thanks for stopping by Eighty MPH Mom – I appreciate it!

  65. Rachel
    October 20, 2010 | 12:39 am

    You just wrote my letter to my body in this post.

    What the heck happened?

    I am hitting up Google for that too perfect t-shirt.

    And dang… that cake DID show up in front of me. And my kid ate half of it. How fair is that? (Especially since he was the one that so kindly painted me as a kidnapper this weekend).

  66. GrammyMouseTails
    October 20, 2010 | 1:38 am

    What!! you mean if I write a post about what I want perfected on my body & in my life it can magically appear? Why was this not told to me before!! I have no ass, its flat, wait I take that back, its old, flat & now wide! I want some chocolate cake NOW! Thanks for dropping by, I glad you found me & I will be back, I love to laugh ;) hopefully blogger will let me post my WW and you can come back & read something else??? Halloweeny
    wishes~ Faythe @GrammyMouseTails

  67. Mama Zen
    October 20, 2010 | 10:36 am

    When I finally die a hideous, foaming at the mouth death, blame raw cookie dough.

  68. Lijington
    October 20, 2010 | 2:17 pm

    I find this to be quite cute..:) do you have a younger sister I can date??

  69. Pennie
    October 20, 2010 | 2:55 pm

    There's a warning on cookie dough???? *gulp*

    Great post! But we don't need any more low-riding pants, trust me. I have a house full of teenagers any given day of the week. Crack kills, baby…crack kills. There is nothing pretty about it. It is the Plumbers Association of America around here sometimes.

  70. Lyn
    October 20, 2010 | 3:46 pm

    We don't have cookie dough here (unless it's Ben & Jerry's) so I don't have to worry.

    You surprised me. I thought chocolate cake cures everything ;-)

  71. Mr Monkey
    October 20, 2010 | 5:23 pm

    That was Asstastic!
    Mr monkey

  72. allison
    October 20, 2010 | 6:49 pm

    They put cookie dough in ice cream – how bad can it be? Which I guess means we can eat chunks of monkey also…

  73. Crystal
    October 20, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    Found you on the Nestwork. I used to walk in stilettos, before I had kids and my arse expanded so much it's now a whole physics thing = impossible.

  74. Suzie Que
    October 21, 2010 | 12:51 pm

    I look at not showering on the weekend as my personal contribution toward saving the planet…or so I tell my friends and neighbors and anyone else who I offend with my odor.

  75. Myya
    October 25, 2010 | 3:15 am

    My sisters & I are always giving my neice & her friends crap about thier asses. They are 17 & OMG do they have nice asses! Jealous much… yeah, I am, so what! Oh 7 I am still laughing at "I'm Stinky".

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