I'm the one you should feel sorry for…

So on   Tuesday, my husband Wayne had surgery to correct the carpel tunnel syndrome in his left hand.
For those of you who don’t know, carpel tunnel syndrome is a compression of the median nerve which can cause weakness, pain, and neuropathy in the affected hand…no, I didn’t learn this in nursing school, I learned it from Wikipedia.

Surgery to correct this is not a big deal. A little incision in the palmar region of the hand, snippety-snip, and TA-DA! Sensation in said hand is back within hours.
I have witnessed many of these surgeries when I was a medical secretary in a plastic surgery clinic (and before you ask, no, I had nothing done except lipo in my double chin, a facial peel, and numerous conversations with the surgeons during which time I begged and pleaded for free breast implants…sadly, it was a no-go on the latter).
So I know the surgery that Wayne underwent was not a big deal. Twelve minutes from start to finish.
Recovery isn’t a big deal either: keep the hand elevated for the first few days, take some Tylenol 3 (yahoo!), a little throbbing, some discomfort at the incision site.
But it’s not birth.
…and for those of you who are now panicking at the thought that I’m going to launch back into the story of my natural deliveries, fear not. I know not to flog a dead a horse.

I pick Wayne up from the hospital, and he’s got that sad, forlorn look on his face, the one that screams, “FEEL SORRY FOR ME!”

I say nothing.

We go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription for the Tylenol 3s.
Wayne is basically waving his bandaged hand in the pharmacist’s face, with that sad, forlorn look on his face, which is now screaming, “TAKE NOTICE OF ME AND MY INJURED HAND!”

I say nothing.

I drive us home, and Wayne is being his usual backseat-driving-self, telling me when to stop, when to go, where to turn, because apparently, I might not remember the route I took to get myself to the hospital 18 minutes prior to this moment.

However, I say nothing…

…Ok, that’s not true.
I say, “Just sit there and shut up, or you’ll have more to worry about than the pain in your hand. It’s not like you’re some driving expert.”

He said nothing….

…Ok, that’s not true either.
He said, “Actually, I am a driving expert. I’m a qualified driving instructor.”

Then we both said nothing.

It’s supper time.
I’m in the kitchen trying to get everyone fed.
Usually Wayne is not home at this time of day or he’s doing something else in some other part of the house.

But on this day, he’s in the kitchen.
Because he’s taken two Tylenol 3s, and he’s high as a fucken kite.
“I feel like I need to help out,” he says with a big, dopey smile on his face.

So there he is holding the bandaged hand in the air as per the doc’s instructions, while massacring attempting to cut pizza with the other hand.
Cutting pizza is a two-handed procedure: one hand steadies the pizza, the other hand cuts the pizza.
Cutting pizza is not meant for postsurgical hand patients.

But nope. There’s Wayne zigzagging all over the place with the pizza cutter.

I say nothing.

…UNTIL he zigzags right off the pizza, and right into the bowl into which I’m laddling soup.

Soup everywhere.

Finally, I turn to him, and say: “Captain Fucken Hook, get out of the kitchen!”

He did.
He went and laid on the couch where he promptly fell asleep.

His postoperative status did not however prevent him from trying to “get some” at bedtime.
When I said, “You can’t. You had surgery on your hand today,” he replied, “Captain Cook needs to get laid too.”

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80 Responses to I'm the one you should feel sorry for…
  1. Another Day of Crazy
    October 28, 2010 | 5:20 pm

    Captain Cook needs to get laid too… yes, that is what his NON-bandaged other hand is for, lol.

  2. Big Fat Gini
    October 28, 2010 | 5:25 pm

    I just love that you called your husband "Captain Fucken Hook!" I spit my drink out after reading that!

  3. TKW
    October 28, 2010 | 5:29 pm

    Giggling at "Captain Fucken Hook!" Too funny!

  4. Mynx
    October 28, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    Men are such sooky lalas when they are sick (or injured). No wonder we have the babies or the human race would have ceased to exist centuries ago.

  5. Linda in New Mexico
    October 28, 2010 | 5:32 pm

    too funny. Whether they are wounded, maimed, injured or on the verge of death…yep they want the same old and sometimes new thang. Men….it's that testosterone poisoning…poor things. The Olde Bagg

  6. SkippyMom
    October 28, 2010 | 5:32 pm

    I think I have the only husband in the history of the world that disappears when he is sick or injured. He just.goes.away.

    It may be because that is they way he is or I scared the hell out of him along the way with my [psuedo] nursing skills.

    I am thinking the second one.

  7. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 28, 2010 | 5:36 pm

    I am impressed with the carpel tunnel know how even if you say it was from wikipedia. :)

  8. KittyCat
    October 28, 2010 | 5:39 pm

    Damn your a patient woman.
    Sounds like you better give "captain cook" some sex.

  9. Noelle
    October 28, 2010 | 5:48 pm

    I love the new blog look!

    And I do feel sorry for you…very very sorry. :)

  10. Myya
    October 28, 2010 | 5:51 pm

    Laughing so hard at your Captain Hook comment! Men CANNOT handle pain, they are such morans when it comes to being sick or being out of commission… they revert to big old babies.

  11. Nicole
    October 28, 2010 | 5:59 pm

    Definitely lovin' Captain Hook.

  12. Monkey Man
    October 28, 2010 | 5:59 pm

    Maybe you should have just told him to try using his 'good' hand.

  13. CkretsGalore
    October 28, 2010 | 6:02 pm

    ROTFLMAO!!

    That's awesome. Men are such wussies when hurt or sick but it never dampens their get-laid-parade!

  14. Juniper
    October 28, 2010 | 6:03 pm

    Wow, great new look!!

    I'm with Another Day of Crazy on this one ;-)

  15. becca
    October 28, 2010 | 6:05 pm

    lovely to know that even in pain sex is still his first thought..lol

  16. Kristina P.
    October 28, 2010 | 6:09 pm

    Maybe you should dress up like Tinkerbell for sexy time.

  17. 00dozo
    October 28, 2010 | 6:19 pm

    Ha, ha. This was hilarious and I certainly can relate to that look of, "Feel sorry for me". Did he give you that look when you were in labour? You know, the same look, but with an addendum, "Feel sorry for me … because I'll never understand your pain".

    p.s. Love that you brought back the Pedestal Princess!

  18. Bouncin' Barb
    October 28, 2010 | 6:21 pm

    Sandra you are just to hilarious. I've had carpal tunnel surgery and yes it's pretty minor. But to a man it's life and death. Could you really picture a man trying to give birth? Not a chance in hell. I think every doctor should give the wife of every man that has surgery a prescription for valium. That's fair isn't it?

  19. Saimi
    October 28, 2010 | 6:32 pm

    Men can be such babies!

  20. Gail
    October 28, 2010 | 6:51 pm

    Wonderfully funny!

    I had both my wrists done at the same time…not a picnic but not a disaster either.

  21. Gigi
    October 28, 2010 | 6:59 pm

    Too funny! Men! There's nothing else to say.

  22. Blasé
    October 28, 2010 | 7:06 pm

    Your husband needs me to take him under my wing for a couple of weeks.

    After he graduates from my class he'll know how to spank his wife and keep her in line.

  23. Diane
    October 28, 2010 | 7:23 pm

    I literally just LAUGHED so OUT LOUD that my kids wanted to know what was so funny. I said nothing.

    A man can be next to dead and still have gettin' laid on his mind. Thanks for the laugh and I hope Captain Hook feels better soon.

  24. Jewels
    October 28, 2010 | 7:41 pm

    that is greatness! haha. You poor thing. Nobody is worse than a man when he isn't feeling well. Good luck with Captain Fucken Hook and his need to get laid. :-)

  25. Mamma has spoken
    October 28, 2010 | 7:54 pm

    Maybe you should have given him another two tylenor 3 :o /…..

  26. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 28, 2010 | 8:04 pm

    ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR NEW LOOK! Now you just need my button…lol (no seriously you do!)

    I'm sitting her holding my stomach and crying from laughter….you crack me up and I look forward to your posts so very much!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  27. Gigi
    October 28, 2010 | 8:23 pm

    Have you ever seen the Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond has a cold? OMG. Classic. Men are babies!

    But I love that he still tried to get some. They just never give up.

  28. Megan (Best of Fates)
    October 28, 2010 | 8:29 pm

    Well, at least Captain Cook always had his other pirates!

  29. Miss Vicki
    October 28, 2010 | 8:34 pm

    Awesome post…thanks for the laugh…lovin' Captain Fucken Hook and 'Another day of crazy' is right…that's what the UN-bandaged hand is for…Love your blog :)

  30. Michelle
    October 28, 2010 | 8:37 pm

    That was fucking hysterical!

  31. Julianna
    October 28, 2010 | 8:57 pm

    I need to have this surgery done as well. It's a hazzard of the job. :( But I seriously won't do it if your saying that it's gonna cut into my "getting some" time. ;)

  32. Deborah
    October 28, 2010 | 9:09 pm

    Is he saying he doesn't need TWO hands for that? Aaah!

  33. Small Town Girl
    October 28, 2010 | 9:15 pm

    Thank you! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Bless your heart…and Captain Hook's too! Is he still living?

  34. Michelle
    October 28, 2010 | 9:16 pm

    Nice to *see* you too! I've been so damn busy. I wish I could add another 8 hours to my day to get everything done but I'd probably bitch about that too.

    I back up all my photos but I have so many it's just getting out of control. I'm buying a new fire safe box this week. Great, something else I need to add on to the list of shit I have to do. It's never ending!

  35. female, I shit you not!
    October 28, 2010 | 9:20 pm

    Take it from me…it's the last thing to go.

  36. Ameena
    October 28, 2010 | 10:27 pm

    I felt sorry for you after reading the first sentence of this post. Seriously, my husband is the worst patient and it frickin drives me bananas. I feel your pain!!

    This entire post, including the comments, just made my night!!

  37. Ami
    October 28, 2010 | 10:46 pm

    I tried to find a story I read awhile back about a man who was whiny every time he had any sort of a symptom.

    And he'd demand that his wife get the Merck manual and look up his symptoms.

    She did. Every time. And finally got tired of it.

    So one evening, he was whiny and out of sorts and his tummy hurt etc… and she was reading to him from the book.

    "Do you have some abdominal pain?"

    "Yes."

    "How about irritability? Are you irritable?"

    "Oh yes! What have I got?"

    And she answered, "A tipped uterus."

    And he quit whining so much.

    No word on whether or not he still felt like having sex, though.

  38. blueviolet
    October 28, 2010 | 11:13 pm

    As a girl who suffers from carpal tunnel syndrome, I feel for your Captain Hook! But, I'm scared to have that surgery!

    If I ever do get the surgery, I can guarantee I won't be looking to get laid, quite the opposite.

  39. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 28, 2010 | 11:13 pm

    Sometimes when people try too hard to get felt sorry for it's super freaking annoying.

    A little is fine, like when I had my wisdom tooth surgery, I was so fucking high but for the most part I wanted people to feel sorry for how the swelling hurt. It did.

    I had to go to school two days after the surgery.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  40. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    October 29, 2010 | 12:03 am

    "It's not birth"

    I don't think I've ever met a man that wasn't a HUGE baby when he has an "owie."

    I've also never heard of a man not feeling sorry for himself because his wife is squeezing his hand so hard during birth that he's not entirely sure he will walk out of the delivery room with all of his fingers.

    Poor babies.

  41. JennyJenJen
    October 29, 2010 | 12:10 am

    bahhhhhh hahahahahha captain hook! hilarious.

    i gotta give it up to captain hook for tryin to get some snatch after all that. go wayne ;)

  42. Yvonne
    October 29, 2010 | 12:40 am

    This was hilarious! Men are such babies!!!

  43. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    October 29, 2010 | 12:49 am

    Men are such babies!!

    And…soup with pizza??

  44. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 29, 2010 | 1:23 am

    Awww. I like the new look, but I Miss the old look of your blog. I'm glad you kept her over to the right, so we can at least remember what she looks like and all! :)

  45. Matty
    October 29, 2010 | 1:33 am

    Men everywhere continue to prove that they are big babies. And even surgery won't damper their sex drive.

    I speak from experience.

  46. MamaOnDaGo
    October 29, 2010 | 1:41 am

    New look! Almost didn't recognize the place. Then I read the post. Yes, that's Sandra. Like always, I couldn't help but laugh and giggle.

    Give Wayne some love!

  47. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    October 29, 2010 | 2:01 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Sry but I just can't stop laughing about this.. I think we're sisters.. I am sooo the same way.. It's not like he gave up a body part!
    PS – I have to have that surgery too and just so ya' know.. I better have some men folk waitin' on my and my poor pitiful face! ;)

  48. <br><br><br><br><br>Dr.Sameena Prathap
    October 29, 2010 | 3:37 am

    Hi Sandra,

    Sorry havent been visiting..sorrry to hear about your hubby…hope he will be ok soon…:)

    You have an award in my blog!!Congrats!!:)

    Dr.Sameena@

    http://www.myeasytocookrecipes.blogspot.com

  49. Jessica
    October 29, 2010 | 6:15 am

    Men are such babies!!! Congrats on surviving his surgery.

  50. Wombat Central
    October 29, 2010 | 7:54 am

    Men are full of the drama when they're sick. The world must stop rotating and look after their needs. Also? They could be on their death bed but would still be looking for some action.

  51. ace and friends co.
    October 29, 2010 | 8:27 am

    LOL! men…?!!? your newest blog hop follower. happy FRIDAY. would *love* a follow back. you can find me at:

    http://aceandfriendsco.blogspot.com/

  52. Jumble Mash
    October 29, 2010 | 8:53 am

    Too funny! Boyfriend is so much like that! He makes a big deal out of every doctor's appointment. He posts it on his Facebook and everything. Men are ridiculous sometimes. Big babies. LOL

  53. Parsley
    October 29, 2010 | 9:23 am

    The way you tell a story…FUN-EEE!

    Glad you stopped by so I could meet you. I'll be back again FUR SURE! Sorry..with 6 dogs I can't help but say FUR!

    Mariposa says "Happy Howl-o-ween"!

  54. DCHY
    October 29, 2010 | 9:47 am

    Tell Captain Hook to try vasectomy some time… ;)

  55. Lady Fromage
    October 29, 2010 | 9:49 am

    LOL love it!! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

    -Lady Fromage

  56. McVal
    October 29, 2010 | 10:11 am

    LOL! They will try everything in the book, won't they?

  57. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    October 29, 2010 | 10:53 am

    Ok, I'm doing that snort thru your nose thing! It's amazing how they can be dieing or claim they are but they won't pass up a chance for sex.

  58. Deidra
    October 29, 2010 | 11:01 am

    Hilarious! You should videotape him while he's hyped up on painkillers and use that as blackmail if needed in the future…

  59. mrs.boring stay at homer
    October 29, 2010 | 11:47 am

    This was funny! I can relate. Only difference was you didn't have a grandmother and inlaws there to "baby" the poor sick man.
    Everyone seems to forget the pain women go thru during natural child birth and tearing from top to bottom (literally!). But, the man has the sniffles and OH MY! HE'S GONNA DIE!!.

    No, I'm not bitter. Much.

  60. bikinfool
    October 29, 2010 | 11:58 am

    What if he's a left handed chicken-choker? Or is that how the carpal tunnel started in the first place, hmmm?

  61. Ehsan
    October 29, 2010 | 12:17 pm

    you're great!!
    (and about "Captain Fucken Hook" it's no surprise, What else did you expect?)

  62. Jana@An Attitude Adjustment
    October 29, 2010 | 1:52 pm

    The big question…did he? (You don't really have to answer that.)

  63. Sparkling
    October 29, 2010 | 2:55 pm

    Captain Fucken Hook, i love it!!! I can never think that fast in the moment!

  64. Leslie @ five to nine
    October 29, 2010 | 3:06 pm

    Hahahahaha!
    I think you deserve a few Tylenol 3s, too. :)

  65. MacDougal Street Baby
    October 29, 2010 | 4:29 pm

    I hate it when they use their wit. It gets me every time.

  66. Busy Working Mama
    October 29, 2010 | 7:30 pm

    Awesome and love it. Poor Wayne. But mailny poor you and poor pizza. Hope you both got lucky :)

  67. Linda Medrano
    October 29, 2010 | 8:22 pm

    Poor Wayne. Men are such wimps! Still, they are cute when they are suffering and need us!

  68. The Chicken's Consigliere
    October 29, 2010 | 8:25 pm

    Ok, where did my comment go??? I said….I don't remember now. Something about men always wanting something after surgery and I had it on good authority. It was much funnier originally, though. Damn you Blogger. WordPress, whatever.

  69. linlah
    October 29, 2010 | 11:11 pm

    Maybe if he hadn't taken that pre-dinner nap he wouldn't have been attempting the romp at bedtime.

  70. Au and Target
    October 29, 2010 | 11:18 pm

    V v funny! Didn't realise the procedure for CT was that easy either. Interesting, thanks!

  71. Mamarazzi
    October 30, 2010 | 12:56 am

    men are such babies…my hubz gets a cold and it's the end of the world, like for real!!

    thanks for stopping by my blog. i always try and do my best to follow people who comment back to their blogs and leave a little love.

  72. ella
    October 30, 2010 | 2:38 am

    I don't know how you found my blog, but I'm so glad you did cause you are fucking hysterical…Man! I needed to read that post! Brava!

  73. Joann Mannix
    October 30, 2010 | 8:16 am

    Um, Sandra? Why are you killing yourself in nursing school? Start writing, man! You are a treasure to read. Every time I come over here I am all, "Oh Yay! What is she going to say today?"

    And your husband is my husband, well, except for the grilled cheese thing. Wuss. Tells me how to drive ALWAYS. And would be on his death bed and would want to get himself some.

  74. Kimberly
    October 30, 2010 | 8:39 am

    Men are such giant vaginas when it comes to anything. I had major back surgery, ovarian cyst removed, and gave birth and I lived. However heaven forbid my husband gets bit by a fracken bee and the world must stop and observe him in his pain.
    Vaginas I tell you

  75. Kendra
    October 30, 2010 | 10:53 am

    Ha ha! For being big and tough, men can be kinda wimpy when it comes to being sick or having surgery. Thanks for the visit and follow the other day! :-)

  76. I'm a full-time mummy
    November 1, 2010 | 12:23 pm

    Hilarious post! I always thought CTS is a painful thing, thanks to all the email forwards circulating around with the scary images on the operation procedures and all.

    Btw, thanks for dropping by and commenting on my post about my little man enjoying his new pool :)

  77. Jill
    November 2, 2010 | 10:00 am

    Of course I feel worse for you! HILARIOUS as always. Men are SUCH babies.

  78. Jennifer
    November 3, 2010 | 2:45 pm

    I say, "Just sit there and shut up, or you'll have more to worry about than the pain in your hand. It's not like you're some driving expert."

    He said nothing….

    …Ok, that's not true either.
    He said, "Actually, I am a driving expert. I'm a qualified driving instructor."
    ——–
    Ok… those paragraphs there have got me totally addicted to your blog. I now have to follow you. Thanks so much for commenting on my blog so that I found yours!

  79. Snuggle Wasteland
    November 6, 2010 | 9:54 pm

    I'm surprised he didn't tell you the Dr. advised him that sex promotes post-op healing.

  80. Marla
    November 7, 2010 | 10:51 pm

    ROFL!!

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