Don't thank me buddy, thank the Doobie Brothers

Over the years, I have learned that standing up for myself, when done respectfully and logically, as opposed to playing games and manipulating, is not only empowering but it helps towards creating an authenticity of spirit that passive-aggressivity cannot accomplish.  

As an adult, and married for the second time (so that gives me loads of experience – see the imaginary diploma on my wall), I now realize that truth is a far better form of communication than expecting my husband to read my mind.

When I’m pissed off, I say it.
I don’t give him the silent treatment.
I don’t serve him undercooked meat.
I just say, “Wayne, please don’t wake me up for sex. I’m not horny after I’ve been sleeping for two hours. And no, you aren’t irresistable after you’ve been eating beans.”
See. No issue. The truth has set us both free – some of us freer than others because he’s all about the bean family.

Last week my son was selected to play on an advanced hockey team. After his first practice, he realized that he was not as skilled as the other players, and in an effort to avoid being the one who might drag the team down, he expressed a desire to play on a team in a lower level.
Fair enough.

I encouraged this move because, 1. I think he’ll have more fun on a team where the other players are at his skill level and 2. I won’t be arrested for assaulting one of the other parents when they trash-talk my kid.

So I sent the convenor of the hockey league an email clearly explaining our decision (minus the comment about how I might possibly knee one of the dad’s in the gonads).

I received a monosyllabic reply: “Ok.”

Today I receive an email that Mr. Monosyllabic Convenor had sent out to all of the parents of the players on the two lower levels.
In a nutshell, it said that after he made up these teams, he did not want to hear any complaints that players who were being put on one team, did not in fact want to be there because they felt their skills were not at par with those of the other players.
He concluded his email with this comment: “Oh the life of a minor hockey convenor…”


I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the comment was a reference to my son moving down to a lower level. Apparently, putting Jackson on another team had caused him great inconvenience.
Again though, let’s mention that at no point did the convenor verbalize this.
Instead he takes a passive-aggressive shot at me via an email sent out to the entire minor hockey association?

I was pissed. And since I don’t believe in carrying around all this anger much I had decided that I was going to call him up and request a meeting with him, at which time I would verbalize my feelings to him, and force him to clarify his comment. In other words, “Say what you mean asshole.”

This evening I was walking through the grocery store, mentally preparing my speech. I was going to be very honest with this guy, and he wasn’t going to like it.
The more I roamed the grocery store, the more my mental speech got long and winded, all in the name of truth.

As my mental speech (mental being the key word) was becoming a work of epic proportions, the Doobie Brothers started playing over the loud speakers.
The more I sang along to ”Listen to the Music” - hey, I talk to myself in public, you don’t really think I have problem with public singing? – the more my anger subsided.

By the time I got home, I couldn’t even muster the energy to call the guy.

Instead, I took the road most travelled and sent him a passive-aggressive note in which I told him I was “sorry the life of a minor hockey convenor was such a stressful one.”

Yes, I’m getting more outspoken. Some may call it being mouthy. Some may call it unnecessary.
But sometimes, a good dose of the truth can make all involved feel better.

Oh who are we kidding?
Usually the truth teller is the one who feels like a rockstar.

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57 Responses to Don't thank me buddy, thank the Doobie Brothers
  1. Just Plain Tired
    October 13, 2010 | 9:36 am

    While tactful, I'm usually pretty blunt with people. Somehow the older you get, the bluntness is easier to master, and get away with.

  2. Mighty M
    October 13, 2010 | 9:39 am

    Most definitely – I find I always feel better after I've expressed my TRUE feelings. If I keep them bottled up – watch out world (or at least my husband).

  3. Jumble Mash
    October 13, 2010 | 9:45 am

    I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut when someone upsets me. As I've grown older, I've learned to stop and think things through before I go screaming at people. If in an hour, I'm still upset, then I let them have it.

    Sounds like Mr. Hockey guy needs to grow up.

  4. Raquel's World
    October 13, 2010 | 9:53 am

    Oh boy can I relate to this! I cannot help myself sometimes. Although the right way is to say what you mean politely and tactfully sometimes it just feels better to shoot them in the ass with a dose of their own passive aggressive medicine.

  5. Bouncin' Barb
    October 13, 2010 | 9:57 am

    Another fine post from Super Woman!!! You have to speak up. That's what us Jersey Girls do!!

  6. Kimberly
    October 13, 2010 | 10:02 am

    Sometimes I get more pissed off that I didn't blow my lid…most of the time it's out of my cowardness and my fear of confrontation or the fact that the person about to be lambasted with my fury like my husband buys me a box of Lucky Charms and I forget about it. Lucky Charms will do that to you.

  7. Semi-Slacker Mom
    October 13, 2010 | 10:12 am

    We are such soul mates. Don't you pay money for him to play hockey? Sports should be fun for kids, not stressful. Tell that dude to kiss your ass & do his job. enough said.

  8. Suzie Que
    October 13, 2010 | 10:18 am

    His complaint doesn't even make sense to me. Wouldn't he rather have a kid bow out in the beginning instead of figuring out LATER that the kid needed to be on a different team? Sorry to make you do your job, bud.

  9. Heather
    October 13, 2010 | 10:20 am

    I think I had that exact same conversation with my husband!!

    Gotta love those Doobie Brothers!!

  10. rachel...
    October 13, 2010 | 10:27 am

    I don't know… I'm kind of partial to passive-aggressive. Something fun about coming up with creative new ways to get under someone's skin!

  11. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 13, 2010 | 10:37 am

    Yeah, I couldn't do that when I was younger, but the passive aggressiveness to others is getting easier as I give less of a shit to people.

  12. Chandra
    October 13, 2010 | 10:42 am

    Sometimes lesser is more…especailly when it comes to this man apparently, so what you said…perfect. Short and to the point…and you probably left him scratching his head, lol!

  13. Deborah
    October 13, 2010 | 10:45 am

    I am not surprised that 'Listen to the Music' calmed you down. :)

    After all, it is the DOOBIE brothers!

  14. CkretsGalore
    October 13, 2010 | 10:56 am

    "I don't serve him undercooked meat."


  15. Matty
    October 13, 2010 | 11:01 am

    Perhaps a direct reply to you, either by email or phone would have been more appropriate.

    God bless soothing music. For his sake.

  16. Jessica
    October 13, 2010 | 11:12 am

    I need to end my passive aggressive ways. I tend to simply delete people.

  17. Katy
    October 13, 2010 | 11:22 am

    I don't know I've been in a place where I had to put people into Sunday School classes and on sport teams at a large church and OMG the drama of it all!!!! So I get where the guy was coming from. Putting everyone on a team that meets their needs (while making sure each team has the right number of players) is hard. Really hard, but if he was going to get pissy about moving people, he should have engaged you in that conversation rather than just saying "OK". That wasn't fair to you and he wasn't being fair to himself either.

  18. Cristy
    October 13, 2010 | 11:28 am

    Way to stick up for your kid! Some people take life too damn seriously…it's just hockey dude, so what if you were inconvenienced by it for a whopping 5 seconds. Also…who the hell talks like that?

  19. Another Day of Crazy
    October 13, 2010 | 11:34 am

    Kuddos to your son for wanting to change teams. Not easy to admit! Well done!

  20. Princess Freckles
    October 13, 2010 | 11:47 am

    Oh how I wish I could be more honest with some of the people in my life! I'm just afriad, "Your personality sucks" isn't something I should be telling anyone….

  21. Quirkyloon
    October 13, 2010 | 12:17 pm

    You sing out loud in grocery stores?

    *high fives*

    Maybe it's something about our name that makes us sing a little louder!

    You go girl!

    And I'm sorry about the hockey mess. I wish I could be more outspoken. I'm too scared, so I usually bit my tongue or stuff it with a donut or something.


  22. Hazel
    October 13, 2010 | 12:19 pm

    What an ass. I'm not gracious enough to be tactful if someone pisses me off. I would have held a grudge for ages

    Hazel xxx

  23. Queen of the Rant
    October 13, 2010 | 12:24 pm

    good on ya, what a d&*%

  24. Kristina P.
    October 13, 2010 | 12:35 pm

    I am the queen of silent treatment with my husband. I am generally more assertive with other people.

    He's a jerk off.

  25. twelvedaysold
    October 13, 2010 | 12:47 pm

    You know what I have no experience with?

    Old people.

    And now that I'm married and my husband has grandparents that I must see, you know that all the images I thought of sweet, honest old people flew out of the window faster than your husband's farts after eating beans?

    And after the last lie they tried to feed me to guilt me into something I said NO MORE. If I'm at their breakfast table and his grandma lies to me again about how I didn't tell her we didn't want to stay in their house, I CALL HER OUT ON IT. Oh, yes I did tell you, last night. And I told your husband. And your daughter. No more "oh, you didn't know?" coming out of my mouth. I'm not a patz. Right? Right.

    So good for you!

  26. Stitching n Shipping
    October 13, 2010 | 12:55 pm

    Why give away power to others who most likely don't deserve. I would've sent a quick quip as well. Brava to your self control while still making your point. THanks for having me and your blog is delicious! Hugs. Tammy.

  27. Monkey Man
    October 13, 2010 | 1:16 pm

    Convenor?? New word to me. If they are all like this guy, why don't they just call them Dick. Seems more fitting.

  28. Holly Ruggiero
    October 13, 2010 | 1:25 pm

    If it is that stressful, he needs to retire. So much for fun as a kid.

  29. Christina
    October 13, 2010 | 1:28 pm

    I think he needs a kick in the gonads. Just saying

  30. cornflakegirl74
    October 13, 2010 | 2:02 pm

    Who knew the Doobie Brothers were such good medicine? I would have certainly fared much better in life knowing that tiny piece of information :)

    I honestly can't believe the hockey coach used email as a forum to passively aggressively suggest that you inconvenienced him so much by requesting your son switch teams. What a d-bag. But in the end, you had the last word and that should feel good!

  31. nitebyrd
    October 13, 2010 | 3:27 pm

    Are you sure your brother didn't give you a doobie? I'm thinkin' that that might have chilled the anger more than a song. :D

    I do hear the tinest violin in the world playing for the minor hockey convenor. Minor being the key word in this man's life.

  32. Crazy Brunette
    October 13, 2010 | 3:29 pm

    I have a chronic disorder…

    I don't think BEFORE I speak… NEVER have, probably never will. I just open my mouth and shit starts flying out of it!!!

  33. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    October 13, 2010 | 3:50 pm

    Some may also call it "tired of taking all of your shit!"

    I'd tip my hat to you, but I don't wear one because they make me look like a boy.

  34. Linda Medrano
    October 13, 2010 | 4:03 pm

    This guy is a jerk. Fergitaboutit.

  35. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 13, 2010 | 4:56 pm

    I am sooooo very proud of you! If you hadn't done anything about it, I'd have been bugged! I am very very pleased now!

  36. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 13, 2010 | 5:42 pm

    Oh By the way, you got an award! Check out my blog it's the OMG I GOT AN AWARD post.

  37. Zookeeper Jess
    October 13, 2010 | 6:14 pm

    LOL You go girl!!!!

  38. Mamma has spoken
    October 13, 2010 | 6:58 pm

    Hum no silent treatment? No passive aggressiveness with hubby? Ah I wouldn't last….

  39. Julianna
    October 13, 2010 | 9:09 pm

    Don't 'cha just hate it when something like sunshine, music, or an ice cream cone, takes all the wind out of your sails?

    Seriously. The truth is always best when it comes to men.

    Because let's be honest. Boys are gross. And, they think that's funny.


  40. Dewi Citra
    October 13, 2010 | 9:26 pm

    Sometimes it is better to be outspoken.In my job, it is better to be like that. Anger management is trully what I do everyday (oh but it is so tiring !!)
    congratulation for having a self control :D

    btw, thank you for your comment
    you are so nice

  41. Mommy on the Spot
    October 13, 2010 | 10:06 pm

    Speaking the truth has gotten me in "touble" many a time. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

  42. Shelle-BlokThoughts
    October 13, 2010 | 10:40 pm

    I'm such a sissy when it comes to myself, but if you mess with my kid, I seem to come out of my sissy shell… watch out!

  43. Average Girl
    October 13, 2010 | 11:33 pm

    I'm sorry, I got stuck on the "no honey you are not irresistible after you eat beans". Ironically that is exactly what my better half says to me all the time and I'm the girl in the relationship… LOL! I always speak the truth, it wouldn't be me otherwise… Great post


  44. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 14, 2010 | 12:11 am

    What a jerk!

    Kudos to Jackson for making a very difficult decision and to you for backing him up!

  45. Carlita
    October 14, 2010 | 12:20 am

    Maybe Mr Passive aggressive hockey convenor should wear some gonads protection – looks like you may be kicking someone anyway :-) Like what does he work a fulltime job all day and then figure out the schedule/teams at night….wow how does he do all that multi tasking?

  46. Sandra
    October 14, 2010 | 12:30 am

    It's a good point: the guy works all day and devotes his time off building teams. My point is, if it's so stressful, "Oh the life of a convenor!" then don't do it. Not to mention, I'm sure there are plenty of business perks to running the show.

  47. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 14, 2010 | 5:40 am

    Call it mouthy or call it rude, I would have reacted the same way. No one messes with our children and their decisions (excepts us of course).


  48. Soccer Mom
    October 14, 2010 | 7:02 am

    HA! The Doobie Brothers ALWAYS gets me singing too–I blame my childhood! ;)

    You should be outspoken about your kids…but perhaps the coach saw something in your son that staying at a higher level will help him get better? I don't know…my kid plays travel soccer and she was quite surprised when they started playing other *MUCH* better teams…but her skills improved so much that year. I didn't have to beat up any parents though…mostly because someone held me back, but still! You did the right thing–calling him out on his doucheness…you go! I wanna be like you when I grow up!

  49. Rebecca
    October 14, 2010 | 9:50 am

    I used to live in NYC, and that is how they do things there! You'd totally love it! All up front communication, no beating around the bush with passive aggressive comments. If New Yorkers have a problem with you, you'll know it! This attitude gets me in trouble in Nebraska.

  50. Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds
    October 14, 2010 | 9:51 am

    But passive aggression is so much fun, especially with it's good mate plausible deniability!

  51. Michelle Hoad
    October 14, 2010 | 11:32 am

    So glad you visited my blog so I can now become your newest follower. I am unfortunately that person who says exactly what they are thinking, and it's sometimes not so fun. I think a little passive aggression wouldn't hurt me one bit.

  52. SoccerMom
    October 14, 2010 | 1:53 pm

    You go girl! I am very blunt and matter of fact when I talk with people. THat way there is no guessing. : ) I have found it to work very well for me.

  53. Teisha
    October 15, 2010 | 4:12 pm

    I hate to admit I don't speak up as often as I should. I usually just get pissed, go home, drink some vodka, and then come up with some awesome witty response four hours too late. Le sigh.

  54. Myya
    October 17, 2010 | 12:25 am

    Usually I am totally chicken & don't say what is on my mind but I never do the passive-aggressive thing & make others feel bad. Why would you want to be that douche, I don't that is for sure! BUT if you get me really upset you better be in for a world-o-rage because I furry will be unleased LOL :)

  55. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    October 17, 2010 | 8:08 am

    Speaking of people to kick in the gonads….

  56. Danielle
    October 18, 2010 | 10:09 am

    I need to learn to master the art of tact. I seem to lack this. I do however speak my mind pretty well!
    That guy is a douche!

  57. The Frisky Virgin
    October 18, 2010 | 4:26 pm

    I can't believe that guy sent you an e-mail like that! Taking a shot at you in that manner is so lame, not to mention rude! You handled it beautifully, though.

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