Boys and their balls

I went to pick up my almost-13-year-old son last night from his night out with his friends. Most of the kids in his class had gone to a place called A Maze In Corn which is exactly that, a giant corn maze. The place has fire pits to roast marshmallows and hot dogs. It has a petting zoo. Bails of hay stacked in a shape of a pyramid that you can climb.
And their Friday night draw: a haunted house.
With all its cornstalks, hiding spots, and the fact that it gets dark at 8 o’clock, the place is a resort for every beer drinking, boob groping, pot smoking teenager.

Now I don’t want to give the impression that Jax is a bad kid. He isn’t. He is smiley and giggly, and the best thing about him is that he loves life and wants to live it to the fullest.
But he’s a people pleaser, which puts me in the very nerve wracking position of having to trust that all my years of parenting and conversations about “doing the right thing” are going to ring very loudly in his ears when one of the friends encourages an activity which is in the “Guide o’ Illegal Fun.”

I arrive at the corn maze and Jax and his two friends come running out to greet me.
Yes, they’re running. They’re happy to see. They’re all like, “Hi Jackson’s Mom!”

Ok. I was a teenager once. I don’t remember being happy to see any parent.
So immediately I’m thinking, “They’re high.”

My son says, “Mom, I’m going to get some French fries and a drink.”

Food. He’s got the munchies.

To which he says, “I’m sure you’re thinking I’ve got the munchies. No Mom. I’m just hungry, I haven’t eaten since supper.”
The other boys chime in, “You should have come with us when we got food. We just want to leave now.”

Ok. So the other boys are confirming that he hasn’t eaten. And they aren’t interested in food.
Not the munchies. Not high.

As I’m sitting on a bench, waiting for Jax, his two friends are flanking me, talking to me about their sporting activities, their families, their summer vacations. These kids are friendly with a capital F.

Definitely high.

Jax comes out with his fries. He offers some. They refuse.

Definitely not high.

One of them is thirsty though. He wants a drink of Jackson’s slushie.

Definitely high, but must have taken Ecstasy or one of those drugs that gives you dry mouth.
Unfortunately, I was a teenager in the 80s and all we had was pot and hash. I’m not well versed in the other stuff, but I heard that E (look at me using the lingo!) makes you thirsty.

As we’re walking past the hay bales behind which are wafting clouds of skunky smelling smoke, the boys are all like, “We’ve been smelling that all night. What is that?”
I reply, “It’s pot.”

They’re like, “That’s what pot smells like? That’s gross.”

I’m thinking, “Either they really had no idea or they’re playing me.”

They then say, “Who would be stupid enough to smoke that stuff. It would totally make you stink. Then the girls wouldn’t want to come around.”

I don’t mention that girls can smoke the stuff too.

I use this opportunity as a learning moment: “Yes, girls don’t like the smell of pot. And if you ever decide to smoke it, you can never get rid of the smell on your clothes. Your parents will know immediately.”

The boys then launch into a story about how they heard about some kid last year who used to smoke pot, and he would hide a bottle of Fabrieze behind the dumpsters at school.
“He would spray his clothes with it so that it would hide the smell of the pot.”

I reply, “Well, that kid  is stupid because then he’d smell like pot and Fabrieze. Total giveaway that you’re a pothead.”

The boys think I’m a fucken genius. They’re all like, “Yeah really! I bet that story isn’t even true.”

Ok. Maybe they aren’t high.

One boy says, “Smell my baseball cap. I think it smells like pot.”

Is he getting paranoid now? Then he’s totally high.

I smell the hat. It smells like sweaty teenager, but not pot.
I say. “No pot.”
One of the other boys finishes my thought for me, “Yeah. It’s just your own stink. Try washing your hair more often.”

I don’t agree out loud. But yeah. Your hair stinks dude.

We get into the vehicle and my son announces, “James and Lucas have hair on their armpits and their legs, and Lucas even has this huge treasure trail. I have nothing.”
Just in case you’re wondering, a treasure trail is the hair that grows from a guy’s bellybutton down to his pubic area. I know right! Who knew there was an actual term for gross hairiness.

I say, “Don’t worry Jax, you’ll hit puberty soon,” to which James kindly says, “Yeah, the longer it takes to hit puberty, the better a person you are.”….or something like that. I honestly was a little busy trying to keep my jaw from hitting the steering wheel at the topic of conversation to really memorize his exact words…
But I said, “James, that is a very nice thing to say to Jackson.”
James replies, “Yeah, I heard it on Mulan.”

Jax says, “Well, I still wish I had some hair. Maybe on my legs.”
Lucas says, “We can get a pen and draw some.”

High? Not high? Marijuana? LSD?
‘Cause really, is this normal teenage conversation? I don’t remember my teenage boyfriends wanting to discuss their lack of genital hair not that I would have known if they’re was a lack…I’m just sayin’…

Mercifully I drop each boy at his house and my happy-go-lucky prepubescent boy jumps into the front seat and says, “So what do you think of my friends, Mom? Do you think I’m making good choices?”

Well, whether he’s high, drunk, or been groping boobs, how can I resist that face?

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76 Responses to Boys and their balls
  1. Carol
    October 9, 2010 | 12:23 pm

    The stress is enough to make you crazy!! Everytime Mo comes home I'm hugging her and looking at her eyes. I'm making myself nuts!

  2. Mamma has spoken
    October 9, 2010 | 12:35 pm

    It all comes down to how you raised him. I'm sure he is making good choices in his life. If not, remember these times as learning moments for both of you.

  3. Jewels
    October 9, 2010 | 12:36 pm

    Sounds like you just have a great kid on your hands. I understand being worried about the choices he makes but it sounds like you raised a great little man and he'll make the right choices. Of course everyone will make a mistake here and there…but seems like you have a great relationship with him and he'd feel comfortable coming to you to discuss it. GOOD JOB!!

  4. Debby@Just Breathe
    October 9, 2010 | 12:38 pm

    This is absolutely one of the funniest posts I have ever read.
    Thank you for the fun story on the boys. They sound like good boys.

  5. ChiTown Girl
    October 9, 2010 | 12:42 pm

    This just confirms what I say every single day – Thank God I have a son!!! Aren't they the best?! And, just fyi, I've had/overheard conversations exactly like this more times than I can count. Normal teenaged-boy stuff, as far as I'm concerned. :)

  6. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    October 9, 2010 | 12:51 pm

    The conversation of body hair has been an ongoing topic in this house. Who has it, who doesn't, who has too much and on and on. I used to ask my boys just to see their reaction. So…any new hair yet? Then inspect their arm pits. Now, the 2 oldest rag on their younger brother to shave his "trash stash". The fuzzy stuff that looks like you haven't washed your face.

  7. SkippyMom
    October 9, 2010 | 12:54 pm

    Dang my kids never talk about anything fun like this.

    Can I borrow yours?

    Better yet I think I will just tell Wallene to read your blog and request that she PLEASE step up her game. heehee

  8. Ameena
    October 9, 2010 | 1:00 pm

    I could have written this post – this is totally my thought process. Obviously I'm not so concerned about drugs just yet but I'm sure it's in my future.

    This was hysterical!

  9. Kristina P.
    October 9, 2010 | 1:05 pm

    I am going to say oral sex ring.

    Oh, and if you want drug information, just come to me. I spent 90 minutes on Tuesday teaching a drug and alcohol substance abuse group. We get to cover every drug known to man, and their effects.

    So, I'm thinking they were probably speedballing it. At least that's what my client who likes to smoke heroin and cocaine would say. I work with some good kids.

  10. Juniper
    October 9, 2010 | 1:11 pm

    'Treasure trail'? I learn something every day…

  11. Meghan
    October 9, 2010 | 1:27 pm

    Ohhhh Sandra, I just love you. Can you write a book?

  12. daniela
    October 9, 2010 | 1:36 pm

    That's some seriously cute stuff! "do you like the choices i'm making mom?!" wow :)

  13. BeMistified
    October 9, 2010 | 2:21 pm

    Oh my gosh, this had me laughing, and in a good way. Your son is just that, cute and adorable! See your voice was ringing in his head.

  14. Quirkyloon
    October 9, 2010 | 2:43 pm

    I'm always looking deep into my 13 yr old son's eyes. Are those pupils dilated?

    It's stressful, you don't want them making stupid choices, but know they will at some time.

    I just hope it's not the same stupid choices I made.

    Shaving my legs. I wish I had never started and hopefully he won't start either.

    *wink, wink*


  15. HulaBuns
    October 9, 2010 | 2:46 pm

    Too funny! Although, your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders – thanks to Mom I'm sure! Glad he wasn't high! lol

  16. Mik
    October 9, 2010 | 3:05 pm

    Never knew it was called a "treasure trail" either, dang,I'm so hairy it must be called a rampant out of control forest.

    Was that a bit of an over share?

  17. Holly Ruggiero
    October 9, 2010 | 3:08 pm

    Obviously, you’ve raised him well if he’s really to counter your worries and to know if you approve. I like the story it was a really cliffhanger!

  18. Hazel
    October 9, 2010 | 3:19 pm

    Just the thought of a corn field creeps me out! Think I've watched to many scary films lol

    Not that I'd know, but I think it's probably just normal to worry about your kids and hope that they do the right thing.

    All you can do is love them and teach them right and then help them when they make mistakes, because they will as it's a part of growing up.

    Though by the sounds of it he's a great kid!

    Hazel xxx

  19. Portia
    October 9, 2010 | 3:28 pm

    Ahh young teens. I don't miss that stage! Great story!

  20. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 9, 2010 | 3:33 pm

    Sounds like a great kid who has made great choices in friends. :) I'd be spending as much time with them as I could just for the giggles. Too funny!

  21. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 9, 2010 | 4:36 pm

    I nearly died laughing at the boys comparing how many pubic hairs they have…lol.

    Treasure trail has been used since the 80s…at least in my world it has.

    But look your son wants your approval on his choices, you must be doing something right!


  22. Nicole
    October 9, 2010 | 4:49 pm

    I don't want teens. Ok, worry about that later. What a great kid and great friends and you're a great mom, and OMG are you soo relieved they are talking to you? Because, I'm not even out of kindergarten with my oldest and I'm relieved just reading this.

    Good luck with you're not-yet-hairy boy. Looks like he's off to a good start.

  23. Gyna
    October 9, 2010 | 4:56 pm

    X-heightens all of your senses. So they like flourescent colors (like glow lights) or flashing lights, etc. They are more "amorous", orgies. Enjoy tastes more, lolli pops or pacifiers is a big trade mark of X!!!
    Cocaine or Crack- lip smacking, hyped up, not hungry.
    GHB-near comatose exhaustion then combative & super strong.

    If these boys thinks pot stinks….then they clearly haven't smoked it nor will they be smoking anytime soon. Excellent way to jump on your teaching opportunity!!

    They were so close b/c you are a total MILF and their freshly sprouted pubes have peaked their interest in talking to you.

    Talking about "hair" amongst teenage boys is very common. It also accompanies how "big" they are. Hopefully you will not be privy to that conversation. That would be too creepy!

    Funny blog! I love your thoughts! I think the only one paranoid about smoking pot is the author;-)

  24. Suzie Que
    October 9, 2010 | 5:27 pm

    Ha! He'll end up being the hairiest of the bunch. Do girls talk about this stuff? I don't remember any of my girlfriends talking about their first pubes when I was a wee lass.

  25. bluzdude
    October 9, 2010 | 5:33 pm

    I'm glad you finally got to the smoke smell because the whole time I was thinking, "Come on, if they were smokin' it up you'd be able to smell it in a heartbeat."

    But then that would have made for a single-paragraph post and deprived us of some laughs.

  26. Mama Zen
    October 9, 2010 | 5:53 pm

    This is absolutely the funniest thing that I've read in forever!

  27. Farmers Wifey
    October 9, 2010 | 7:06 pm

    Ah the innocence of youth. He sounds really amazing and his friends seem like keepers too. The sweaty teenager comment made me snort…

  28. Kimberly
    October 9, 2010 | 7:36 pm

    My kid is only 2 and loves grabbing his junk every diaper change to make sure it's still there…so I can only imagine what he'd be like at 13!

  29. Bouncin' Barb
    October 9, 2010 | 7:38 pm

    Good luck with boys. 13 was cute but 15 was the mouth and by 17 he was in court. keep the lines open and don't be afraid to go through his things once in awhile. I wish I'd done more but mine could talk his way out of a paper bag!!! And you wonder why I drink Heinekens!!!

  30. Julianna
    October 9, 2010 | 7:47 pm

    I am actually giggling right now, simply becasue I think I'll be having this SAME conversation in 3 years. -J

  31. MMBB
    October 9, 2010 | 7:51 pm

    lol It sounds like they were just excited to be out in the dark. I think you handled that situation (and ride home) perfectly :)

  32. Jo-anne (Blossy)
    October 9, 2010 | 9:28 pm

    They sounds pretty much like typical boys to me! My Mr.13 is very similar to your son. He can't wait for puberty to 'hit' him properly. I'm thinking I just want him to be my baby for just that little bit longer.

  33. Just Plain Tired
    October 9, 2010 | 10:52 pm

    Doesn't seem like you have much to worry about.Sounds like all three are good kids.

  34. Poppy
    October 9, 2010 | 11:57 pm

    As fun as that little ride was, don't you dare let Wayne pick them up next year because when they are stoned, I really want to hear that conversation.

  35. Cheeky Momma
    October 10, 2010 | 12:32 am

    LOL! My kids are still young, but I really hope that I'm teaching them the "right" path in life! Sounds like you are!

    Thanks for following me, I'm now following you back!

    Cheers from Being Frugal & Making It Work

  36. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 10, 2010 | 12:38 am

    LOL WOW! I had no idea boys had this conversation with their mothers. Funny. And thanks for the add! I'm sure I'll be enjoying your writing too!

  37. Welcome To My Kitchen
    October 10, 2010 | 6:56 am

    Thanks for visiting Welcome To My Kitchen. I am following you also. Come back again for some great recipes or to submit some to be featured on my blog. Im looking for guess bloggers. Thanks again

  38. Julie
    October 10, 2010 | 7:25 am

    ugh. i am not looking forward to the teenage years. but it sounds like jax is a pretty good kid with some genuine friends. who could ask for more.

  39. Gail
    October 10, 2010 | 7:58 am

    You are a very gifted funny story teller…glad I found you.

  40. Twain12
    October 10, 2010 | 8:11 am

    as a mom of NOW adult Boys i can relate…fun times LOL
    thanks for stooping by my blog and leaving a reply to my blog , and here i was rethinking it , thinking maybe i was being a little to pessimistic and a wet blanket ;)
    Have a great Thanksgiving

  41. Carol Kilgore
    October 10, 2010 | 10:10 am

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. This is an awesome post. Just think…you have to travel this road with all four of your lovelies. Buckle up!

  42. Pamela
    October 10, 2010 | 10:34 am

    Too cute! Just when you think the teen years are full of trouble it's nice to know your son is consciously trying to make the right decisions. Good work Mom!

  43. Lyn
    October 10, 2010 | 10:37 am

    I have 2 sons a little younger than Jax. You've just saved me a whole load of research 'cause now I know what a treasure trail is. Who would have thought it? Not really sure what it leads to is such a treasure ;-)

  44. Busy Bee Suz
    October 10, 2010 | 10:58 am

    I have tears streaming down my face from laughter….
    He is making good choices. And his Mom is hilarious.

  45. Linda Medrano
    October 10, 2010 | 1:04 pm

    I'm beginning to think all the funniest and coolest kids are from Canada. I love this story and your boy is so darling!

  46. Krysten @ After 'I Do'
    October 10, 2010 | 1:11 pm

    My parents got SO lucky with me. I've never done any drugs and didn't start drinking till I was 21.

    Makes me worried to have my own kids one day!

  47. Tooje
    October 10, 2010 | 1:13 pm

    I'm very impressed that the kids are that open and genuine with one another. That makes me happy. :) I would of course have been asking the same questions in my head that you were asking in yours, though. LOL

  48. Mom's Me time
    October 10, 2010 | 1:45 pm

    My kids are two and five… I can only hope! Wow. Thanks for stopping by and visiting my blog. I am now following you…and I so totally want to steal your princess header…Your blog rocks. Thanks, amy

  49. Matty
    October 10, 2010 | 1:55 pm

    Trying to remember every word of the conversation so you can blog it. LMAO Just like the rest of us.

    Sounds likes he's a good kid, and your message must be getting through to him if his choices are what he's asking about.

  50. Madame DeFarge
    October 10, 2010 | 2:13 pm

    Wait til he asks you how you know so much about the subject of drugs. Maybe children should be more worried about their parents :)

  51. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 10, 2010 | 2:27 pm

    You had me laughing!! The kid is not doing nothing. He's a kid! and that's great news for you. :)

  52. Mrslmk28
    October 10, 2010 | 3:57 pm

    Love this post! So funny!
    I'm totally terrified for the teen age years with L. Not because I was a bad teen at all. Because I wasn't. I was always too scared to do anything. I had three older sisters and saw every mistake they made!
    Sounds like he is making good choices!! Keep us posted!

  53. mintifresh
    October 10, 2010 | 4:42 pm

    Seriously sounds like the coolest kid ever! I just wish his friend would wash his hair…and hat!

  54. K(Banterings of a Basketcase)
    October 10, 2010 | 5:17 pm

    I just texted a reminder sex talk to my 17 year old the other day. We had already had the sex talk, but he's hanging around one girl a lot lately. So I texted him "wear a condom even better, don't do it at all". He said "OMG mom, I can't believe you just said that". LOL- I told him it was my job.
    funny thing- his girl had the phone at the time and got the text.

  55. Busy Working Mama
    October 10, 2010 | 7:34 pm

    Wow, you learn something new every day. Treasure trail, huh?

  56. Sparkling Red
    October 10, 2010 | 7:36 pm

    Wow, I sure didn't talk to my mom that frankly at that age, or any age which I can remember. I think when I was 11 she threw a pile of library books at me on "how your body works" and warned me to be "careful", and that was about the sum of it. There was no gratuitous discussion of treasure trails. I think it's great that your son feels free to talk with you about these topics. Long may it last.

  57. Jewels
    October 10, 2010 | 9:19 pm

    I gave you a blog award. Stop on by to get it! :-)

  58. Sparkling
    October 10, 2010 | 10:16 pm

    I'm a middle school teacher and I can't tell you how refreshing it is that your boy and his friends are just so naive!!!! I can't believe they were ok with talking with you/to you/near you like that. Never let on that you think it's cool or that will be the end of it. I am certain with conversation like that, they were not high, didn't know you could grope a boob and would htink E stands for Elmo.

  59. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    October 10, 2010 | 10:53 pm

    I will die a thousand deaths if my son ever mentions the words "treasure trail".

  60. tawna6988
    October 10, 2010 | 11:32 pm

    Stopping by from Bloggy Moms and am your newest follower. Hope to see you by my blog too.

    I have 3 blogs, you can follow all 3 or pick the one that best suits you.
    Twitter: tawna6988
    Grab m blog buttons and leave me a comment to grab yours back!
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  61. Babes Mami
    October 11, 2010 | 12:09 am

    Loved it! Thanks for coming by my blog and leaving me lovely words. I have a little boy and I am hoping not to be the crazy mom but also keep him in check.

  62. Myya
    October 11, 2010 | 3:57 am

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I popped over to yours to check you out & I am SERIOUSLY glad I did. You are freakin HILARIOUS! I read your last few posts & laughed out loud at every single one I read!!!

  63. Canadianbloggergirl
    October 11, 2010 | 7:05 am

    Hey, check it out I tagged you!

  64. Mom of the Perpetually Grounded
    October 11, 2010 | 8:03 am

    This is excellent, hilarious and you are an Excellent mom! I do wonder what's up with this generation. My daughters and their friends spay Way more time discussing their boobs than I remember doing.

  65. TinaM
    October 11, 2010 | 9:44 am

    Haha! GREAT post :)
    It sounds like you have a good kid there, and a great relationship too!

    Thank you for you kind comments on my blog :)

  66. pmmolnar
    October 11, 2010 | 9:59 am

    I love your post! Only kids could give you such a funny story to share. Sounds like he has some great friends and a great mom, too!

  67. SoccerMom
    October 11, 2010 | 10:18 am

    The sucky part is if they arent a ppl pleaser, and they stand up for themselves , well then they get picked on.

    So it kinda sucks all the way around.

  68. Jackie
    October 11, 2010 | 10:30 am

    Boys are from another planet. It makes me glad I've got two tiny girls.

    Just remind me of the in the crazed hormone years, m'kay?

  69. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    October 11, 2010 | 12:30 pm

    Oh god God, I can't wait to get to those days. I was thinking about just putting a retainer down at the drug test facility. 'Course, I would have been the one behind the hay bail at that age… so what the hell do you do?!?!

  70. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    October 11, 2010 | 2:27 pm

    I LOVED this post. It is a perfect example of how parents should interact with their children AND other children.. Kudos, kudos, kudos. You're raising him right and yes, he is making good choices!
    Thanks for stopping by my place. :) Come back as often as you'd like, bring some coffee, stay a while, look at all my goofy kids (I have 4 as well) n' grandsons. :)

  71. nitebyrd
    October 11, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    Sounds to me like y'all are doing a damn fine job with him AND his friends.

    My son was worse than my daughter when he hit puberty and he wasn't even getting a period!

  72. TV's Take
    October 11, 2010 | 5:19 pm

    Sandra, this is just too funny! I can only imagine your face in that car. He is lucky to have a cool mom like you but I think he'll curse you when he's older and finds out about this story…. :-) Good stuff!

  73. The Watchman
    October 12, 2010 | 3:27 am

    Well I remember back when I was a teen. That conversation seemed pretty normal for my group of friends. I never did drugs and still haven't. I did drink with my moms permission and in her company but it wasn't like we were getting sloshed. The worst I did was cuss(not around my mom either). The funny part was that my mom was a hippy and has done just about every drug there was. She told me about them all and said she was willing to keep an open-mind about my experimentations. I said no thanks I don't want any. Later when I was 18 I started smoking cigarettes but that's the worst of my habits. I was for the most part a dudley-do-right and I kind of still am. So coming from one who knows that teens can be good, you must be doing something right.

  74. conflictedmeangirl
    October 13, 2010 | 12:30 am

    It sounds like whatever you are doing it's working. What a cute conversation. And for 13 year old boys to be cute is quite a feat.

  75. Emily Simmons
    October 14, 2010 | 1:54 am

    Love this story!! I dread the teen years!! thanks for stopping by my blog. Just wanted to let you know I am following you too now!!

  76. DIAPERS in the DESERT
    October 18, 2010 | 11:15 pm

    I love the way you write!! I would be more concerned about the overly medicated PTA moms and the medicine cabinets that kids can get into. If your a PTA mom… ummm, then I was totally HIGH when I wrote that and just disregard. :)

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