Birth, birthing, and exams

That…

…came out of my vagina.

And it hurt.
A lot.

He was my fourth baby so the pain shouldn’t have been a surprise.
What was a surprise was the process leading up to his not-so-magical appearance into the world.

Like my other labours, the hours leading up to the decision to leave for the hospital were filled with mild twinges alerting me to the fact that within a few hours I would be moaning, “OUCH!…THE RING OF FIRE…THE RING OF FIRE…SHIT! I THINK MY ASS JUST RIPPED!”

Unlike my other labours though, when I arrived at the hospital, hopped up onto the delivery table (yes, I said HOPPED) and awaited the proclamation that I was 9 cm dilated – because this was the pattern with the first few children – this time, much to my complete and utter amazement, I was only at four.

I looked at my husband and said, “Only four? You’ve got to be fucken kidding me?”
Yes. That’s what I said verbatim.
No need to scale back the language around labour and delivery nurses.
They’re used to gratuitous profanity.
Actually, they expect it.
Actually, they’re disappointed if you don’t swear.

So for the next three hours, I spent every five minutes calling the nurse in to check me, “Do another internal, I’m pretty sure I’m at 10 cm now.”

But I never was.
For the next three hours, the bitch nurse would say, “Nope. Still at four.”

The labour pains I experienced with this kid were unlike the ones I had felt with the first three.
During my third labour, I stayed home so long that my ex finally said, “I’m pretty sure I can see a head.” So I gave up trying to watch the end of 20/20 with Barbara Walters, and agreed to go to the hospital.

In this last labour though, I was in so much pain, at one point I grabbed my husband by the shirt collar, looking him right in the eyes, and said, “I’M GOING TO DIE!”
He didn’t believe me.
Fucker.

Finally though, after three hours of sitting at 4 cm dilation, I yelled to the nurses lounging outside my door, “Ok. He’s coming,” and sure enough, I had gone right to 10 cm, and the little bugger was shooting out.

Painful.
Very.

However, that was nothing to how I felt this morning after the exam that I wrote.
That was painful.

After giving birth, I was sitting up in bed smiling.

After writing the exam, I was doing this.

It’s me banging my head against the desk.
Ok, so I reused the photo from the other day. But picture this in a room  filled with 60 other students basically doing the same thing.
The hardest exam I’ve ever written, partly because I’m not scientifically minded, partly because I’d rather be blogging.
But my friend Megan came out feeling the exact same way. She, however, blamed it on the instructor’s high beams, saying – and I quote: “How can I pay attention to the lecture. Her nipples are distracting me.”
We all have our reasons.
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66 Responses to Birth, birthing, and exams
  1. Kristina P.
    October 26, 2010 | 12:45 am

    I don't know what any of this "To a four" crap means, but it makes me hate babies even more. :)

    OH! Did you see I posted on FB about how I stalked the Sister Wives family and drove past their house?

  2. daniela
    October 26, 2010 | 12:47 am

    omg hilarious.
    when my parents ask me when they're getting grandkids i'll make sure to direct them to this post…

    chin up, everyone has those exams. professors are assholes by nature. they don't know anything else! :)

  3. Blasé
    October 26, 2010 | 1:11 am

    I'm glad I can't give birth. I don't do well with pain.

    So, was it cold in the classroom???

  4. Au and Target
    October 26, 2010 | 1:30 am

    Thanks for visiting our blog. Having read this, I'm grateful again that we live in an era of 99% reliable contraception.

  5. ms. caboo
    October 26, 2010 | 2:10 am

    I guess the old saying that you forget the pain of childbirth is another urban myth used to get women to keep poppin' em out. You seem to have perfect recall of the pain! I will not need to experience it myself–you've taken care of that for me–thanks!

  6. LilPixi
    October 26, 2010 | 3:20 am

    I'm so scared of both, labor & nursing exams. lol.

    Seriously, I give you so much credit putting yourself through that while taking care of a big family. Superwoman!

  7. Matty
    October 26, 2010 | 4:03 am

    I never experienced the pain of childbirth, but I have had the pleasure of beginning the process. LMAO

    Good luck with the exam, and I like the new look of your blog.

  8. Jessica
    October 26, 2010 | 6:32 am

    At least following the exam there wasn't diapers to change and another mouth to feed! Thanks for my morning mojo!

  9. Bouncin' Barb
    October 26, 2010 | 7:19 am

    Sandra…I have experienced pain worse than childbirth. I went from 0 to 10 in 3 hrs with a 9 lb. Butterball. But there are things worse in this world. Congrats for completing the exam. I'm sure you did great too. You are just too funny. Make sure you check out the message on my blog. I'm combining them. Hugs

  10. Portia
    October 26, 2010 | 7:32 am

    So funny! My daughter is due in January so I probably won't share this post with her just yet! ;)

    It's true that the memory of the labor and delivery doesn't really go away. That's why I have only two kids and never wanted to have a third! Number two delivery was a doozy!

  11. Just Plain Tired
    October 26, 2010 | 8:09 am

    I remember when my daughter was born. We arrived at the hospital at about 5 minutes after 10, and she was born at 10:29 pm. My ex-wife didn't have the time to swear about much.

  12. Ratz
    October 26, 2010 | 8:17 am

    Agreed! We all have our reasons..

  13. female, I shit you not!
    October 26, 2010 | 8:19 am

    With my last two I waited in the Fathers Waiting Room until I was in the last stages of labor.
    Back then the dads did not come in the delivery room.
    When I finally waddled to where I should be at the urging of other expectant dads…there was no time for a shave. ;0)
    Hustle, hustle.
    By the way…. your son is a keeper.
    Beautiful baby boy.

  14. Nezzy
    October 26, 2010 | 8:34 am

    No matter what pain ya went through girl, he is absolutely perfectly precious!!!

    I've had only two but they came fast baby!!! Only four hours with Geek Son from the first…what was that and two hours with Social Butterfly which I let my Hubby finish the ball game he was playin' in an we were seventy miles from any hospitals.

    I need ya to talk to my kids….I have eight grandkiddos! Heeehehehe

    BTW: I'm smack in the throws of menopause (reference to comment) and those maternal instincts still kick in!

    I just wanted to thank you for poppin' in with your sweet comment and hoppin' on my blog. I sure hope ya'll enjoy the ride.

    God bless you sweetie and in the words of that silly old Granny Clampett, "ya'll come back now, ya hear???"

  15. MissEmy
    October 26, 2010 | 8:34 am

    dang… sorry to hear about the exam. But at least everyone else was doing the same thing! That means you'll probably get a fine grade. :)

  16. Woman In The Midst: Raw
    October 26, 2010 | 8:54 am

    As a fellow Mom of 4.. HYSTERICAL and totally dead on balls accurate!
    Hope ya' aced the exam!

  17. Jayne Doe
    October 26, 2010 | 9:56 am

    Better that your last little one's birth was like that over it being like that your first time around.

    I had my last little one in March but it was a planned c-section so I'm glad I didn't have to do what you did :)

  18. Nicole
    October 26, 2010 | 10:08 am

    I like the new site. I need to get me a nicer one.

    Anyhoo, I thought this would be a good time to say, I had c-sections for all of mine (not by choice). And so, I did not get to enjoy the feeling of ass rippage. I am eternally grateful for that.

  19. CkretsGalore
    October 26, 2010 | 10:21 am

    Hah hah ha Oh shit that gave me a good laugh this morning.

    Before I start actually working I usually look for a new post so I can have some giggles to set the tone of the day.

    Thanks for that! Also you further terrify me from birthing any children.

  20. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    October 26, 2010 | 11:05 am

    Luvin the new digs! I have to admit, though… I'm gonna miss your princess on a pedestal picture:( Ah well, if your truly love something, you must let it go.

  21. AmyLK
    October 26, 2010 | 11:25 am

    But the exam is over! Just like the pain of child birth. Hope you passed!

  22. Jumble Mash
    October 26, 2010 | 11:34 am

    {Doubles up on BC, just to be safe} I don't think I wanna have babies now. Or take an exam like that.

    Love the new look btw.

  23. Krysten @ After 'I Do'
    October 26, 2010 | 11:35 am

    Haha I only skimmed this simply because I do want to have babies someday and I don't want to be scared off it lol.

  24. Wow, that was awkward
    October 26, 2010 | 11:38 am

    Childbirth and written exams always circle back to nipples. Glad you didn't disappoint.

  25. Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal
    October 26, 2010 | 11:51 am

    Thanks for the blast from the past reminder of child birth. Luckily my last was my easiest so it ended on a good note. You son is adorable and has some really big hands!

  26. Quirkyloon
    October 26, 2010 | 11:57 am

    Really, they're disappointed if we don't swear?

    I'm definitely remembering this nugget of hospital-stay-wisdom.

    Oh yeah, baby!

    I'm gonna bring it.

    *grin*

    Glad you're killer exam is over!

  27. Snuggle Wasteland
    October 26, 2010 | 12:02 pm

    I've blocked out the memory of childbirth pain. I don't think it was as bad as my gallstones though.

    I hope you did ok on the test!

  28. Ameena
    October 26, 2010 | 12:34 pm

    I simply don't know how you went through labor 4 times! I did it once and still remember it like it was yesterday?? They say you forget but I didn't. Not one minute of it.

  29. robertga99
    October 26, 2010 | 12:47 pm

    OUCH!
    God knew what he was doing when he made me a guy.
    That would be like pushing a watermelon out of the head of my penis. NO.THANK.YOU.

  30. Linda Medrano
    October 26, 2010 | 12:52 pm

    I had a similar experience with my 2nd child. I was stuck at 4 cm for hours and then my water broke. I could feel the baby's head pushing out. I started screaming for the nurse (who had been in to check me 5 minutes earlier). She sauntered in, took one look and said "get your legs closed" the baby is coming. Fuck yes, you swear in labor! I'm glad you got through the exam. Tell that teacher to put on a jacket!

  31. Joann Mannix
    October 26, 2010 | 2:01 pm

    My last baby, they sent me home. You would think by my 3rd, I would know what labor was like. But they said I wasn't dilating and to come back. I told them I had a babysitter and I wasn't going anywhere until they ripped this baby out of me. They compromised by letting me walk around for an hour at the hospital and then checking me again. I didn't walk. I jogged. I did jumping jacks. I climbed stairs. They still sent me home.

    In my embarrassment, I labored on the couch all night, not wanting to get sent home AGAIN. I made it back in the morning where they announced I was 7 centimeters dilated and no, it was too late for drugs. I hated all of them as that baby came ripping out of my girlie bits.

    I can only imagine how your exam must have been.

  32. Kimberly
    October 26, 2010 | 2:02 pm

    Are you the funniest person on this planet? Cause you totally are.
    I relate on so many levels cause nursing school is really brutal. I'd rather have twenty babies all with horns come out of my hoo ha than take nursing again. For real.

  33. Molly Malone
    October 26, 2010 | 2:17 pm

    Wow Sandra – thanks for finalizing my plans NEVER to have kids…!

  34. Diana Mieczan
    October 26, 2010 | 3:25 pm

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog:) Cant wait to read more of your posts
    Kisses

  35. Monkey Man
    October 26, 2010 | 3:35 pm

    My first thought was "why am I reading this….do I really want to know this?" All I want to know is did you pass your exam. Push that news out too, would you?

  36. The Adorkable Ditz
    October 26, 2010 | 3:47 pm

    Well if I ever have kids I will be sure to cuss up a storm! Yeah I do the head desk thing after everything major I have to do with school and well with my laptop crapping out on me and shit.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

  37. Chandra
    October 26, 2010 | 5:08 pm

    OMGosh! That was hysterical! My favorite word in the dictionary was used several times here, FUCKER..really, it says so much and can be applied to any situation!!

    Well, I hope the test turns out as awesome as your 4th child did! Fingers crossed!

  38. A girl needs 2 Talk
    October 26, 2010 | 5:49 pm

    I'm so glad the comment section works. It didn't after 10 minutes of trying on your last post!

    Love your new blog look!

    Labor story– OUCH. You must love the 4th kid extra though! ;)

  39. Holly Ruggiero
    October 26, 2010 | 7:17 pm

    HA! I knew all the rumors about the first one being the hardest and all the rest just slip out was a lie! Now I have proof.

    Hey, I like the new look too.

  40. Sparkling
    October 26, 2010 | 7:53 pm

    hello…. have you changed for blog template? where's the pedestal?

  41. Calandreya
    October 26, 2010 | 8:13 pm

    He looks adorable. :)

  42. SkippyMom
    October 26, 2010 | 8:24 pm

    That is a picture of you sleeping in the library. Admit it.
    [or sobbing uncontrolably, I can't quite tell]

    Anyway – thank you for providing a birth control post.

    And are you on LSD? This blog is all Timothy Leary and shit. I miss the pedestal. Just saying.

  43. Julianna
    October 26, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    Love the new page! It's so…YOU! In a good way :) And, when the hell did you get 600+ followers? holy Crap woman! Go You!

    I quit after two kids…32 hours of labor with the first (and the cord around his neck) and 27 with the second (had to "stop" labor twice, pipe in fake amniotic fluid because when my water broke he landed on his cord, and they couldn't read his vitals through the head probe.)Good times. Good times. -J

  44. MommaKiss
    October 26, 2010 | 10:18 pm

    exams can blow me, i've never pushed a kid through my vag and you POOR thing with this 4 time shit.

    good thing those kid's job is to care for you when you're old. worth it ;)

  45. Diva
    October 26, 2010 | 11:27 pm

    Ouch! I'm hurting just thinking about it!

  46. Momma Jorje
    October 26, 2010 | 11:44 pm

    LOL – I would have found high beams distracting, too! I hope you both did well on your exam!

    And the new layout… SO colorful! I had JUST told my husband about the other. This one is certainly eye catching. Seems everyone is doing it (personalizing their blog). I don't even have my own header… you guys are gonna drive me nuts! ;-)

  47. Lourie
    October 27, 2010 | 1:12 am

    BHAHAHAHAHHA! High beams! Oh man you are killing me! HAHAHAHA

    When my son was born I went from a 4 to an 8 in about 20 minutes–maybe less.

  48. Losing Brownies
    October 27, 2010 | 1:16 am

    LOL, high beams. That's awesome. I wonder if the instructer has any ideas that people are talking about her nips online!

  49. Booyah's Momma
    October 27, 2010 | 2:35 am

    Whoa! Is it just me, or is there something slightly different about your blog??

    I have to say, I'm loving the fact you quoted Johnny Cash while in labor. Classic.

  50. Myya
    October 27, 2010 | 2:39 am

    Hope you scored a good grade at least :)

    After an emergency c-section I knew my next two were going to be as well… I scheduled and of course the little impatient ladies wouldn't wait for that date. Nooooo, they came early & instead of a doctor just saying Sure lets take them now, they gave me the Ohhh lets wait & make sure you are in labor. Ummmm REALLY??? Of course they don't want to take my word that I was having HARD Contractions every 2 minutes, down to every 30 seconds for hours & hours & hours. DAMN DOCTORS!!! Oh well, I guess my little turkeys came when they wanted & didn't let anyone tell them they had to "make sure" it was time for them to come.

  51. Deborah
    October 27, 2010 | 6:44 am

    'Her nipples are distracting me'

    Thank you very much. I now, once again, have a spewed upon monitor.

    And aaaaaah, birthing babies. It's the best.

  52. Krystyn
    October 27, 2010 | 9:09 am

    And, I'm glad I read this now and not in a couple months, because I sure am hoping #3 is faster than #1 and #2!

    And, writing tests? Totally ick! I hate doing it, too!

  53. Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds
    October 27, 2010 | 9:29 am

    The only thing I learned having a baby is that there are many things in life more painful. And after you don't get a baby.

  54. the chirpy bird
    October 27, 2010 | 12:39 pm

    You are absolutely ridiculous and I ADORE YOU! I was in the room when my sister gave birth and let me tell you, forget the pill, forget the coil, THAT was the best birth control EVER! Congrats on finishing that exam and congrats on #4 too! You are a machine!
    xo tash

  55. Pamela
    October 27, 2010 | 1:07 pm

    You are too funny! But yeah, childbirth hurts like effing hell. I'm kind of glad I'll never go through it again. I complained when I was 1cm dilated – but I'm a huge wuss! Good luck on your exam & love your new look by the way:)

  56. nitebyrd
    October 27, 2010 | 3:11 pm

    Old mothers always say that once you see the baby you forget the pain. I'm an old mother and I say, "Bull Crap!" My second child weighed 10# 1oz at birth. He was my last child.

    I'm sure you did very well on the exam so stop banging your head on the desk or other exams might not go so well!

  57. Blasé
    October 27, 2010 | 3:19 pm

    Fyi: I'm talking about you over at my Blog.

  58. Shawn
    October 27, 2010 | 6:35 pm

    That was really funny …. for the rest of the week every time I'm in a quiet spot with someone I will point at something and say "that came out my vagina!" It will be awkward or funny …… I will take either
    Shawn aka Mr Monkey

  59. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    October 27, 2010 | 7:46 pm

    Fuck. The last is the hardest? Kid #1 took 36 fucking hours to get out. And he was over 10 pounds.

    Guess I'm only have one.

    Glad you have one less test hanging over your head.

  60. Crystal Escobar
    October 27, 2010 | 10:08 pm

    Oh wow that is quite the story and so funny how you told it :)

  61. Sara Louise
    October 28, 2010 | 7:36 am

    You just made my biological clock tick a little slower, thank you.

  62. Carmi
    October 28, 2010 | 11:17 am

    I wish I had read this BEFORE we had our kids. Maybe my wife would have been happy with a puppy instead.

    :)

  63. Madame DeFarge
    October 28, 2010 | 3:43 pm

    This reminds me of why I hated the idea of having children and why I hated taking exams. But at least with exams you know your life should change for the better. Or you can always ask for the script to be remarked.

  64. Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy
    October 29, 2010 | 1:21 am

    What an absolutely gorgeous little one!

    Hope your exam turns out even half that pretty. :)

  65. Busy Working Mama
    October 29, 2010 | 6:05 pm

    Ghaaa! So I come over innocently enough to see where I can find your button to put it on my blog and I find…this?! A new design?! WHAT?! Looks awesome. I quickly scanned to make sure you were still on blogger. WP is so…WP. I've been thinking of re-doing mine. But I haven't since I don't want to hurt the feelings of the wonderful little Albanian dude who developed my generic template. He's sweet. But I still want a new design. Maybe in my free time…

    TGIF!! Gotta rescue the kid from her bath…

  66. Meghan
    October 30, 2010 | 7:37 pm

    Well I'm sorry but they ARE distracting. I don't know why you would stand up at the front of a classroom filled with strangers without a bra on unless you're teaching something…other than nursing. Maybe I need blinders…

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