…came out of my vagina.
And it hurt.
He was my fourth baby so the pain shouldn’t have been a surprise.
What was a surprise was the process leading up to his not-so-magical appearance into the world.
Like my other labours, the hours leading up to the decision to leave for the hospital were filled with mild twinges alerting me to the fact that within a few hours I would be moaning, “OUCH!…THE RING OF FIRE…THE RING OF FIRE…SHIT! I THINK MY ASS JUST RIPPED!”
Unlike my other labours though, when I arrived at the hospital, hopped up onto the delivery table (yes, I said HOPPED) and awaited the proclamation that I was 9 cm dilated – because this was the pattern with the first few children – this time, much to my complete and utter amazement, I was only at four.
I looked at my husband and said, “Only four? You’ve got to be fucken kidding me?”
Yes. That’s what I said verbatim.
No need to scale back the language around labour and delivery nurses.
They’re used to gratuitous profanity.
Actually, they expect it.
Actually, they’re disappointed if you don’t swear.
So for the next three hours, I spent every five minutes calling the nurse in to check me, “Do another internal, I’m pretty sure I’m at 10 cm now.”
But I never was.
For the next three hours, the
bitch nurse would say, “Nope. Still at four.”
The labour pains I experienced with this kid were unlike the ones I had felt with the first three.
During my third labour, I stayed home so long that my ex finally said, “I’m pretty sure I can see a head.” So I gave up trying to watch the end of 20/20 with Barbara Walters, and agreed to go to the hospital.
In this last labour though, I was in so much pain, at one point I grabbed my husband by the shirt collar, looking him right in the eyes, and said, “I’M GOING TO DIE!”
He didn’t believe me.
Finally though, after three hours of sitting at 4 cm dilation, I yelled to the nurses lounging outside my door, “Ok. He’s coming,” and sure enough, I had gone right to 10 cm, and the little bugger was shooting out.
However, that was nothing to how I felt this morning after the exam that I wrote.
That was painful.
After giving birth, I was sitting up in bed smiling.
After writing the exam, I was doing this.