PMS Ramblings

Last night I started a post that began like this:

Editor’s Note: For those of you who prefer my lighter, less ballbusting topics, I’m PMSing this week and this inevitably leads me to become confrontational and bitchy.
I’ll be fine next week, and will go back to telling you how Wayne screams like a little girl whenever he sees the toilet overflowing. Not bitchy at all.

Nice start, right. You know with a beginning like that, rays of sunshine were not going to be flying out of my ass.

But yes, I am PMSing, and for some reason, this week my nerves are wound into a tight fist and I just want to haul off and punch someone in the stomach.
Yes, I tell it like it is. Yes, I’m honest with myself and others. And yes, I can accept the honesty when it’s directed at me.
But right now, if you even look at me the wrong way, I guarantee you will lose that eyeball.
I think it’s a combination of hormones, nerves about starting back in the nursing faculty on Thursday (’cause how will I blog if I’m writing riveting papers on the fine art of ass wiping), and lack of sugar (please throw chocolate at me!)

Below is part of the post I had written last night:

It’s not an option.


What? What the hell am I talking about, you say?


It’s not an option is my party line. That’s what my children will hear me say when they are doing something they aren’t supposed to, refusing to do something they are supposed to, and/or gearing up to mouth me off.
It’s not an option meaning, don’t even try it, kid.


I have a few friends who will complain to me that their children disrespect them by screaming such things as the ever hurtful “I hate you!”, “You’re a horrible mother!”, and “I can do whatever I want and you can’t stop me!”
I can’t relate to this. My kids don’t act out by yelling at me. No. It’s not because I’m lucky. It’s because…say it with me…it’s not an option.

blah blah blah…is anybody still reading?
I know if I ever read a post like that, I’d either, 1. leave a snarky comment, 2. backtrack out of it so fucken fast, the sitemeter wouldn’t have registered my presence, and/or 3. leave a lovely comment about something completely unrelated to the post topic, like how pretty the blogger is or how much I love the colour scheme of the blog.


Because honestly, who the fuck do I think I am?
It sounds like I’m passing myself off as this expert mother who has perfect children.
I’m not.
I don’t.

As a matter of fact, I’m the mother who gets weekly phone calls from the school because my 12 year old is mighty skilled in the art of driving his teachers fucken nuts.
No, he’s not bad. He doesn’t graffiti the walls or beat up the other students.
But he just has this gift for getting under your skin. He starts off all sweet and “Can I clean the board for you, sir?”
And then, when the teacher is least expecting it, my son has organized the classroom into a “Save the Whales” rally. Except they’re in the classroom. Where there are no whales.

Suffice it to say, I’m pretty sure the teachers at his school pull straws to see who is going to be stuck with him in September.

So I’m not posting about my “it’s not an option” mantra.
Quite honestly, I have no idea what I’m going to post about. What can I write that won’t spur me into furious PMS ramblings?

I went to the zoo with my family this afternoon.
Zoo. PMS.
PMS. Zoo.

I thought this was a pretty safe topic.
We laughed at the monkeys.
We commented on the stink in the aviary.
And then while we were quietly admiring the camels (quietly admiring camels? Yes, we were), my 12 year old says, “Their buttholes are gross.”
To which the 7 year old replies, “They look like balls.”
To which the 14 year old says, “That’s ’cause they are balls.”

While I was marvelling at my children’s ability to turn a National Geographic moment into an SNL skit, the 12 year old who was walking with his eyes closed (yes, you read correctly), gets pushed into a tree by the 14 year old.

Pituitary gland is firing off many many hormones…wishing bad things…very very bad things…

I think I better take in a yoga class before I yank my pituitary gland out with my bare hands.

Namaste.

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45 Responses to PMS Ramblings
  1. Ami
    September 6, 2010 | 8:08 pm

    It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

    This is my PMS week, too. Tomorrow I go back to work after a summer off for surgery. I am not done recuperating. It will hurt. The first week of school is a madhouse. I will need to take xanax on top of the prozac I already take. And I'll be taking Vicodin.

    And you know what? I WILL STILL HAVE PMS AND WANT TO KILL SOMEONE ON THE ROAD BETWEEN HERE AND THERE!!!

    I'm sorry. This post was about YOUR pms, wasn't it?

    You're beautiful.
    :)

  2. Ami
    September 6, 2010 | 8:09 pm

    And wow, I love the color scheme of your blog.

  3. Julianna
    September 6, 2010 | 8:18 pm

    I have a son like that. The other son drives the teacher nuts in a questioning verbal type of way. And get this…she asked for him again this year. Nuts I tell you! As for the zoo, my kids went to the Central Park Zoo when we visited NY. While quietly watching the polar bears, my yougest turns to me and says LOUDLY "We came all this way to see a polar bear take a piss?" Nice. I want a hiatus from parenthood… tell me, is that an option? -J

  4. BeMistified
    September 6, 2010 | 8:26 pm

    I was spayed so I though "No more PMS" Hahah yeah no. Mine was last weekend. I think I shall adopt your not an option approach. My child has told me she hates me, I am a terrible Mother, bla bla bla. She got over it quite quick. Sorry you are PMSing, damn the curse!

  5. WannabeVirginia W.
    September 6, 2010 | 8:38 pm

    Holy Hell, the past three days I could have ripped a phone book in half. Thank god that is over cause seriously, seriously. Good idea to blog about.

  6. Ostriches Look Funny
    September 6, 2010 | 8:51 pm

    This actually made me feel quite human, because I read it five seconds after basically hissing at my husband, who thinks it's okay for him to be cranky too around this time.
    Um…no.
    Someone's gonna get happy or they're gonna die.
    And I hate being this way. I think I'm going to get some ice-cream and wallow for the rest of the evening.
    Thanks for making my crazy seem normal.

  7. Kristina P.
    September 6, 2010 | 8:55 pm

    You are the prettiest blogger I've ever seen. You are the unicorn of bloggers.

  8. Soccer Mom
    September 6, 2010 | 8:57 pm

    I agree with the others…yes beautiful blog scheme and thank God I'm not the only one who should be quarantined for the safety of others during that "special time"–ha! I think I used that term once with my daughter, 12, and we both died laughing! It's insanity…totally. Oh and I am the it's not an option mom too…sometimes it works and others–eh, not so much. But I don't get yelled at with nasty comments so it kinda works–that's good enough for me ;)

  9. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    September 6, 2010 | 8:57 pm

    So that is your son…!!! Ah, who doesn't like a kid with character, right? SOmetimes having one is Not An Option!

  10. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz
    September 6, 2010 | 9:00 pm

    I actually envy you. I'm knocked up. At least the light at the end of your tunnel is in a few days. I'm screwed for months. Damn woman parts.

  11. Jewels
    September 6, 2010 | 9:15 pm

    The children I nanny for are a constant embarrasment to me in public because their parents think it is hillarious when they say things like "you kicked me in the batteries" or "oh my nutss"…or run out of a room saying "see you later suckers". The children frequently call eachother and their parents "boobs" and as of late poop, nuts, and boobie talk causes the whole family to fall into fits of giggles. Needless to say mom and dad are so busy that I am often taking kids to playdates, karate, football, dance class, etc…so I have to deal with this. Since I'm not their parent there is only so much I can do about this…but I am with you! They know I won't tolerate it…so they do it very rarely around me…but in general…kids make me want to go home and hollow out any baby making body parts! No thanks!

  12. Holly Ruggiero, Southpaw
    September 6, 2010 | 9:25 pm

    I like the link the PMSing just in case we don’t know what that is.
    Your son has a special gift.
    You know why your kids don’t mouth off to you? Not an option, maybe, but I think it’s because there busy tormenting each other to torment you.
    This was indeed a colorful post. :)

  13. Mo 'Betta
    September 6, 2010 | 9:32 pm

    I can SO relate. PMS sucks ass. Of course, I've been told I have PMDD – more letters, more suck ass. Sorry I've written ass so many times in your comments. But I didn't say fuck. I'll leave that one for you. And I'm totally okay with the 'it's not an option' post…b/c in my house, some things are NOT an option. (ok, so they are an option, but not a smart one. my kids don't like to see my head spin all the way around)

  14. Herding Cats
    September 6, 2010 | 9:44 pm

    I feel your pain. I have serious PMS this week too. I thought I was going to throw markers at my students I got so annoyed.

  15. Crazy Brunette
    September 6, 2010 | 9:47 pm

    Well WHAT THE FUCK were you thinking going to the zoo bitch? Have you LOST your mind????

    your 12 year old and I would have a fucking ball together and we'd be RUNNING this shit by the end of the week!

    I also know how to work the room! It's a VERY useful skill!!!

    Eat some chocolate and have a cigarette you moody bitch!

  16. Ash
    September 6, 2010 | 10:24 pm

    lol@the kids' convo about camel's butt/balls.

    i'd PMS last week – the same week i was terribly ill so everyone at home was terribly quiet…..i wonder why! :p

    ~ash's mum

    I HATE PMS btw! grrrr

  17. Carol
    September 6, 2010 | 10:48 pm

    Although you didn't post it, I agree with you on the "it's not an option" thing. I believe it works. Our children will live up, or down, to the standards we set for them. Now having said that, I just want you to know I'm mostly crazy now from living with a teenager so nothing I say counts anyway!

  18. Cassie
    September 6, 2010 | 11:00 pm

    Your children sound amazing. The fact that they're oh-so-casually discussing camel balls? Brilliant. Right up there with my twisted sense of humor.

    Also, I really need to start remembering the PMS excuse. I honestly don't think I get it very strongly. Maybe a bit more likely to cry, but I never make the correlation. I do need to start taking advantage of this. Thanks for the reminder!

  19. JennyJenJen
    September 6, 2010 | 11:05 pm

    ha!

    brilliant my friend. Pure PMS brilliance.

    fav:

    Zoo. PMS.
    PMS. Zoo.

    !!

  20. bonnie 'Marilyn' parker
    September 6, 2010 | 11:18 pm

    <3 I like you more n more with every post :) I love the 'its not an option'. LOVE it.

  21. bluzdude
    September 6, 2010 | 11:48 pm

    Nothing makes a trip to the zoo more worthwhile than laughing at a baboon's red ass. And the camel balls.

  22. Kelly Polizzi
    September 7, 2010 | 12:50 am

    Doh, everybody already stole my color scheme comment. Another great post :) You write kind of like bridget jones, it's hilarious.

  23. Mamma has spoken
    September 7, 2010 | 7:43 am

    Did you know that camels will pee on themselves in order to stay cool?
    There's my random but still has to do with your post comment…

  24. Deborah
    September 7, 2010 | 9:07 am

    I had girls. Boys fascinate me. I swear I would have spent my entire young-mother days lmao because boys are so FUNNY!

    I won't say it will get easier because being a woman just is not easy. I'm not whining, it's just a fact.

    Frankly, that's what makes us so cool.

  25. Alissa
    September 7, 2010 | 9:46 am

    The whole zoo story had me laughing out loud. Sorry for laughing at your pain!

  26. Molly Malone
    September 7, 2010 | 10:31 am

    Take a deep breath… and throw something at the cat :) I feel your pain my friend – my PMS turns me schizophrenic. I mail advance 'sorry' notes to the people who are going to have to interact with me. It will pass…. and then it will come back *sob*!

  27. Danielle
    September 7, 2010 | 10:54 am

    I am rolling on the ground laughing right now. "Please don't rip out my pititary glands cause I would if someone laughed at me while I was PMS'ing". But I barley followed any of that and yet, I totally get it!

  28. Cannonball14
    September 7, 2010 | 10:58 am

    How lucky am I that you stumbled across my blog this weekend?

    Now I have found yours, and have a new blogger crush.

    And this is not meant to be an off-topic, lovely comment about the color of your blog (cause it's kind of bright).

    I really do like you!

  29. TKW
    September 7, 2010 | 11:46 am

    You took the kids to the zoo while PMS'ing? What the Fuck? You are brave, miss.

  30. Chandra
    September 7, 2010 | 12:31 pm

    See I don't have to go through PMS anymore since I had a hysterectomy last February…I suppose that is a good thing however I am left with night sweats and HOT flashes..give me the PMS anyday…at least I would have an excuse for being bitchy…now I'm just a bitch with hot flashes! LOL!

    I wish I could say my kids were perfect but my 8yr old will drive me to drink and my 4 yr old…if I would have had him first I never would have had a second…GAWD. :)

  31. SoccerMom
    September 7, 2010 | 2:03 pm

    Yeah I have already warned my family that if they think I am super bitchy now, just freaking wait till I hit menopause. Then your in for a freal fucking treat.

  32. SkippyMom
    September 7, 2010 | 2:22 pm

    We are a "not an option" house too – I am pretty sure we had the chip surgically implanted in all the little heathens at birth. [we should all be so lucky.]

    I have never gotten an "I hate you" but I have received a few "not fairs" for which Pooldad and I developed the strategy where as he starts humming "You can't always get what you want" by the Stones while I intone, speaking the words "…you can't always get what you want, oh no you can't always get what you…but if you try some time [say it with me] you get what.you.need."

    Works like a charm except when the song comes on the radio and my kids throw themselves out of whatever opening they can create in a moving vehicle.

    Yep. They are pretty much not Stones fans. It is a failure. I admit. [but for the bigger cause.] :D

  33. Katy
    September 7, 2010 | 4:24 pm

    My Gosh your blog is pink!

  34. Emy
    September 8, 2010 | 1:00 am

    PMS is the worse!

    P.S.
    Thanks for following! I'm now following, as well!

  35. Dysfunctional Mom
    September 8, 2010 | 1:35 am

    I guess I shouldn't post about my mad parenting skillz either, because I don't put up with half of the BS so many of my friends do. I like your line – it's not an option!
    I have a fourteen year old daughter and we are now officially in sync with our PMSing. The bitchiness is immeasurable.

  36. Carla
    September 8, 2010 | 2:07 am

    Wow! I am still nursing my 6 month old – so I am always PMSing. I am pretty sure this has been true for the last 4 years as I my older son is about to turn 3 – so if you consider being pregnant, nursing, pregnant, nursing since 2007….holy crap, no wonder I am so fucked up it will take another 4 years for the hormones to settle down….oh… then I will be in menopause…shit does it never end?

    Loved your blog Sandra.

    besitos

  37. From Tracie
    September 8, 2010 | 3:17 am

    When I'm PMSing (my family calls it "being on the verge" like I might haul off and kill someone at any minute….well, they might actually be right about that) my family stays as far away from me as possible during that time. Seriously.

  38. Queenie Jeannie
    September 8, 2010 | 3:36 am

    Go to chocolate. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just get your fix and all will be well!

    My husband got me sugar-free chocolate once. Once. It's a good thing my tubes are tied because I'm not sure he's capable of producing sperm anymore. So, yeah, I feel your pain.

  39. Semi-Slacker Mom
    September 8, 2010 | 9:19 am

    Is that why you always tell me I'm pretty? Okay. I admit my child tells me she hates me, but in my defense it is usually after I've told her no option & she's giving herself a time-out in her room. Because she knows I'm crazy. I don't have certain organs anymore, so I'm apt to PMS at any moment. That's why God made Xanax. And I'm pretty sure my 5 yo will grow up to be your 12 yo!

  40. ThePeachy1
    September 8, 2010 | 12:17 pm

    are there meds that make you like this when you have PMS or is this just you when you have PMS? cause wow… that shits impressive.

  41. K(Banterings of a Basketcase)
    September 8, 2010 | 3:39 pm

    I'm with you! I was a complete basketcase last week. I get mad, then cry though. I'm such a dork.

  42. Lourie
    September 8, 2010 | 9:26 pm

    Oh honey, we need to get together and gorge on some heavy chocolate. I am right there with you and my stupid @#$* period is stalling!

  43. cookiesANDclogs
    September 8, 2010 | 11:11 pm

    Ah, the perfect post!
    Thanks for the follow, right back at’cha! Hope I can share some deal and reviews you can use :)
    cookiesandclogs[at]gmail[dot]com

  44. Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do
    September 9, 2010 | 8:56 pm

    Rambling or not, I just laughed my fucking head off. Hope you are less homicidal soon!

  45. cornflakegirl74
    September 10, 2010 | 12:03 pm

    I totally have a bloggy crush on you right now :) I love your PMS ramblings. And the story about buttholes.

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